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Everything posted by miasari

  1. This is a long one. Thank you in advance for reading. I have a daughter who is four years old. Her father and I’s relationship has been rocky for the last couple of years. The main issue was that he engaged in a textual relationship with an ex that had sexual undertones (images sent), and lied to me when confronted. (I had to message her to get the full story). I agreed to try to make it work after he expressed regret. About a year later, I saw texts he’d sent to friends that spoke about other women-mostly strangers, but also some friends-in very disrespectful, misogynistic ways. They were mostly in regard to ‘oh the things I’d do’ and such, comments on their appearance, who he would and would not ‘put it in’ etc. There were also texts in which he said disrespectful things about me based on disagreements that we’ve had. It was less like venting and more like laughing at me. When confronted, he got defensive, and would refuse to talk about it. This is how it continued for a long time. In the mean time, we split up but continued to live together until we could sell that home that I had all my money tied up in. After, I had a plan to move to another city where I had friends and he agreed. We’d live together temporarily until he found his own place. I put an offer in on a home, and when he went out for the inspection, decided he didn’t want to move back there and instead wanted to move to a different, much more expensive city, albeit one with both liked more. I objected because I was worried about how to make it work financially, but he persisted, and eventually I agreed to move there and we’d live together until we could both get on our feet. While living there, we were both on dating sites, doing a don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing. I ended up meeting someone I connected with instantly. That seemed to spark something in him, and he suddenly decided to open up to me, take his walls down, try to make it work, etc. I decided to try one more time. I saw him making honest, true changes: talking about the reasons behind his behavior, being less mean/confrontational, etc. The problem is, I already started developing feelings for someone else, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually. We can get along fine, but I don’t have feelings any more. I feel like I killed them over the past year just trying to survive. However, now I’m being made to feel guilty for not trying, for diving in with someone else, for acting selfishly, not thinking about the family, not recognizing that he’s truly trying to change. Etc. I guess my ultimate question is, do I trust my gut feeling, and go with the fact that I don’t feel that way towards him, and continue to pursue this new life I’ve established without him, or do I dig my feet in and make it work for my daughter’s sake?
  2. My apologies. My intention was not to bash the entire concept of marriage, which I know is sacred and deeply meaningful to many people. As I said, for a long time we talked about having a small, private ceremony, as we were both deeply committed to each other at the time we decided to have a child together. He did not engage in this behavior at that time, nor did he give any indication that he ever would. I know people begin to show their true colors as relationships mature, and I really should've taken that into consideration. But it was never like he told me "I don't want to marry you because I'm not committed to you." Had we gotten married before she was born, he likely would have still done this. I don't think the act of marriage would have changed that. I don't think it's entirely pertinent to the situation now, regardless.
  3. Hey HollyJ-Yeah my therapist asked me this the other day. What I would say if a friend presented this problem to me, but I began thinking about it in terms of our daughter too. And, as someone else mentioned, providing advice is easier said then done, I would definitely be like RED FLAG GTFO. And yet... Here I am. I'm just acknowledging a pattern of settling and denial of my own thoughts and feelings for the first time in my life. I've been holding it together for the hopes of stability, and especially because I wanted to create something I didn't have growing up. But as she gets older, she'll see right through it, and I don't want to model that for her.
  4. Damn you're right. This is not dedication to our daughter at all because now this is going to disrupt her life completely.
  5. Yes, I already have one foot out the door. We have been discussing how we will split the profit from the sale of the house, where we will go, how we will make it work financially, etc. I've just been having doubts about my decision because I've been letting the positive aspects of his character overshadow the negative, but those things don't excuse his overall disrespect towards me. It's true, that he clearly demonstrates he does not love me anymore, and this isn't the only realm where I've seen this. Though he shows dedication to our daughter, his dedication to me is eroded, and in turn, my own self esteem and trust has also been ground down. When I take this simple fact into account, it seems obvious that it can't continue without such a shaky base. Part of me was thinking that I had to work on my inability to trust him, but he hasn't really done a good job of re-establishing trust after that initial up with his ex.
  6. I honestly do feel like I've been in some kind of daze for the last few years, making excuses and justifying ty behavior. PS How are you guys getting those text boxes in your replies where you're able to comment on specific parts?
  7. And if he is surrounded by guys that basically never outgrew the "lets rate women for fun" mentality, he's got no motivation or outlet to change. If there were better men around, maybe he'd have a chance... but there is truth to the saying- look at the 4 closest people to him.... that's who he is.. . Honestly this has been one of the most infuriating aspects. He is obviously only saying this stuff to friends he knows will go along with it, and one of them is someone we both hang out with, our kids hang out. Where is the integrity and balls to be like, dude what the hell are you saying? I know there are certain friends he wouldn't say this stuff to because he knows they'd think it was inappropriate. You are so right, and I really feel like being near his friends like this has only made things worse.
  8. I definitely see what you are saying, but I don't even think marriage is commitment, otherwise there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate and so many married people cheating. Commitment is a mindset as well as a promise both people keep and make every single day. I think that for many, marriage is symbolic of that, but for many others, it's just what you do, and an excuse to throw a party and be the center of attention, without any real thought to the day in and day out commitment and work it takes. Regardless, I think you're onto something about 'like attracting like' and that my nonchalance about it all probably made it seem more permissible or excusable. He has never been very good at committing to anything his whole life-a place to live, a job, so it really shouldn't have come as such as surprise reflecting on it now.
  9. So we had been together for two years when we decided to have a child. Neither of us were ever really jazzed about the idea of marriage, as we both come from families whose parents don't get along/split up. We had talked about it, but were never very motivated to do the planning required. I do agree with you, though, that we were still in the honeymoon phase. He didn't ever act this way in the beginning, but I think as the charm wore off of the early stages, his true colors started to show through. I think he started getting bored and has been looking for excitement in these other ways.
  10. Thank you all for your responses. The biggest problem is that he makes little to no effort to address these things in a productive way. At this point, when we try to talk about it, I'm just 'dredging up the past' and he 'doesn't know what else to say about it'. He swears up and down that he does have boundaries in terms of physicality, but doesn't seem to see the issue in the things he's said. I am currently in therapy, and my therapist more or less has told me, leave. I am skeptical that a person like this would even truly change, especially given his tendency to hide/lie. I think people like this just get better at being sneaky.
  11. He definitely knows I find it unacceptable. His response to my frustration, though, is that I'm getting worked up over idle chatter, and that he would never act on those words. We do go out as a couple. We also take time to ourselves, and it is at those times where he has been at the bar. Never late or for long, just after work for an hour or so. I did get tested for STDs, and started seeing a therapist. I also work. I don't make great money, as I took time off to take care of our daughter and eventually picked up some remote jobs. Living on my own would certainly be challenging financially, but would be much easier once we sell the house and I have a larger cash reserve. I can also try to find a better job, as I am educated.
  12. It is so disrespectful-to me and women in general. For a while I was telling myself that he is more or less expressing a mentality that is common in all men, and justifying it as an outlet, etc. But the fact is that it is seriously affecting my mental state. I was really trying to be strong and more or less gloss over it for the sake of our daughter, but the other day, my therapist asked what I would say if my daughter asked me this same question, and my response was more or less GTFO of there, so why am I not modeling that?
  13. Hey all, I'm going to try to make this as concise as possible while still painting a full picture. I have been with my partner for 5 years. We have a 3 year old, and the pregnancy was planned. We are not married, and have recently purchased a home together. I've had ongoing trust issues due to a variety of factors. I'll try to capture them below. While I was pregnant, I noticed his spam folder in his email was overflowing with emails about sex chatting, hooking up, etc. He said he has no idea why he started getting those, and thought maybe it was from being on dating sites or visiting porn sites, but I've been on both and haven't ever got emails like this. When our daughter as a year old, a found an explicit photo, dated from the time I was pregnant. When I asked him, he first said it was from years ago. I said there was a date, and then he said it was from an old ex who sent them unsolicited and he then blocked her. However, I had remembered seeing her name pop up on my Facebook account's search bar, as he must have looked her up when day, so I messaged her and asked. She said he had told her that we were split up, and that the pictures were definitely not unsolicited. She did say that he eventually said, after our daughter was born, that we were going to 'work it out' and they hadn't communicated since. When confronted this issue, he apologized, and asked what he needed to do to fix it. He agreed to have transparency and access to his phone if need be. He said he lied because he didn't want it to mess things up, but it totally destroyed my trust. Fast forward to a year later. We moved closer to his hometown, and he began hanging out with old friends. I began seeing messages to certain friends that were extremely upsetting. He talked about being at a bar and chatting up a hot waitress, who he learned was only 18, which he thought sucked, 'unless he's F**king one, then it's awesome" and about how maybe he could "convince me to have a threesome. There were texts talking about a new potential co-worker, who was very good looking, and how it's a "good thing he looks homeless most of the time and doesn't have to be in the office all day" and how he's not going to tell me about it because I'd "just be ing worried all day haha" There were lots of other texts like this. Commenting on women's looks, their 'fu**ability' including friends of ours, etc. Finally, just two months ago, I saw he had been texting an old friend that he used to work with. I'd never heard him talk about her before, and so there was no indication that they were ever close. He said it was all friendly talk, but when I asked to see the messages, he had deleted them. He said he deleted them because he thought, given the past, it would worry me, even though it was just friendly talk. His response to all of this is that it is 'just idle talk' and that he would never do anything physical. He comes home after work, is very involved with our daughter, is hardworking, etc. I don't think there's anything else that's happened, but all of this has really affected my trust and self-esteem to the point that I don't think I can continue the relationship. I just feel terrible for our daughter's sake. What do you all think. Is this salvageable? Are his actions just a normal outlet and not indicative of something larger/guy talk? What's the best way to proceed from here, if not, that will be best for our daughter? We won't be able to sell the house until, at the earliest, the end of this summer because we are doing renovations on it. Not sure if I should start looking for a temporary living situation until the house gets sold and I can get into something better, or just stay and stick it out for now. Thanks for reading this long post. Happy to clarify anything or provide more details.
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