PammyFoo

Nothing stops the black shadows Suffocating mists spreading like wildfire a cancer of minds Through every corridor and into every room Onto every page written by deathly black ink. Flowing from clear, innocent veins pumped from the black heart Til i fall into shadows, shallow graves While insects creep and crawl Festing on my fetid flesh and then...... I am bones.

But in the Uk they can have you sectioned if they believe you are a danger to yourself or others So though it may be legal you could still end up being forced into a hospital and detained there until seen as fit to return to your normal life

Return ticket please To the black hole down there. Where smiles struggle to breathe Murdered. All bleed to death in a silent massacre Population one and the man never comes. Collecting What fool would collect such souls? Destined for the dark on the return track

Each time Each encounter of the other kind. Was burning, burning holes in my mind. Through which the acidic lies seep Deep, deep inside. Absorbed. Gullable, foolish air carries the foul reek. Of poison. Through the green mazes of wonderous truth they burn. Destroying. Killing. Oh teller of tales of falsified farce. Beware mine enemy beware. For i await within my lair for a knock, from Mr Opportunity.

SHALLOW GRAVE I was five and fully alive when i took a dive. The big plunge Blown in the winds like a crisp, faded autmn leaf being destroyed by bitter hands Cupped full of knives and daggers. Snowball, snowfall lands on my un-twitching features. My dead skin. My dead cells That ceased breathing long ago. Unfound I have endured blistering hells to reach my final place Here Among the dying leaves

Rolling, rushing Water walls. Fall and rush Push the driftwood Sweeping away the little dots. Poor women, men, children. The unsaveable The left behind. In the dark of the walls. Leaves of the lillies snap. Dying Drowning in the pain. Is it rain? No. It does not fall from the sky but appears from the horizon. Nowehere. From the once beautiful night sight. The new land. Atlantis sleeps now.

Oh puppetman Do your arms yet tire? From being pulled, pushed, pulled by the great sire. Big chief Is it wise to turn your back so?Surely not Who knows what strings are added behind. Your strings, are they all bought? Bought and paid for? Stolen lives. Stolen peace Sheepmen ready for the fleece. Follow the herd. let down your hair! Stamp your feet to the victorious beat. trot, trot, trot Dance til sunrise for old democracy!

Just something i wrote in a spare 5 mins at college today as i was early ____________________________________________________-- Floating amongst fog The towers flicker and signal Solemn beacons. Rooted to the Earth's silent vigil The dead, white sea drown, drown, drowns As the wings of hope. Fall down, down, down.

Slithering slowly, hissing and spitting spraying murderous invisible venom. Airbourne disease firing, forcing on deaf ears lies. Slide off the slimy scales Securing the sinners swift bombardment. The lies. The lies. Rain down as the innocent cries wail and flail. Until the skulking shadow slowly devours. Stop! Listen......

I self harmed in many ways for years The feelings and the urge to harm comes back to me all the time, but i try and keep my mind off it by writing, mabye that would help you too? You have to battle it forever i believe and who knows if/when it will come back to me.

BABY BLUE Dripping dunes dot my skin Like heavy pellets from an invisible hoisted gun Ripping and tearing their way Deeper and deeper Into my warm, safe nucleus Seeping through the molecular maze Rolling, rolling down Arrid, dry deserts of dirt below my feet Finally breathe, hydrated I spread my bright blue petals into the moistened air. Inhale Sigh..... At last PALLETE Autumn snow falls splash from above Rolling, sliding off canopies Dotting, spotting the ground below The browns The yellows The reds Merge and combine into a seasonal collage. Art Beauty, oh colourful beauty Enlighten my vision and colour my heart HERR GOD Hallowed be thy name and in thy name they kill Smoke slivvers from the chimneys Of God's poisonous death mills Linen lamps light the lion's lair Is that a freckle? Is that an impurity? Keep them coming to the merciless slayer Roll them out one by one Let them see - for the last time - the sun. Herr God. Herr God. Hallowed be thy name

Thanks, i have 148 poems so far and one completed short story

AUTUMN The leaves sway Back and forth. Side to side Each grappling for a friend. Some comfort As the water pellets fall Killing and maiming the mind In an empty, barren field The leaves Do they make a sound? For there is no ear to listen. Witness Does the tree exist at all? Are the leaves imaginary Each a separate worry, thought, feeling? One by one, they fall Dancing as they find their partners In a slowly moving zig-zag. Weaving To the ground BOTTLE BAY Lost in time and space Miles seem so far and wide For my weary heart to travel Washed up and spat out by the tide On a lonely Dunkirk beach No sign of hope on the horizon. Nothing My search party located No word of joy or love did it bring Hopless figurine before the sinking sun There is nothing for me here. I am done DEPARTURE LOUNGE I can never forgive. This How i feel How i wish to die, because of you Try to stop breathing. Being Living You turn to me With an emotionless face. Hard and cold. I crumble. A ruin of a woman Falling apart. Before your stoney eyes. Dying. I try to pull you back. Love you But you simply look and me and say: "Goodbye" DAISY Flickers of fairy dust flutter Then land on her face. So pale Golden, glittery goodness Land on her arms. Thin and frail A smile slowly stretches Soft laughter trickles from her lips Light glows from her angelic face Slowly starting to dance. Sway her hips Quickly, she gathers her golden grains They float freely into her box. Hidden away Secret stash of magical wonder Kept only for her. For her rainy, stormy day WAITING ROOM Tick, tock. Tick, tock Slow motion picture scene Heavy eyes and weighed down limbs Memoried flicker, of what has been Tick, tock. Tick, tock Another minute, another check Lights fade and sound is no more No mercy mission can save this wreck Tick, tock. Tick, tock Statue of stone in the coming dawn Others return to the land of the living Lights put out and the curtain is drawn UNKNOWN They never really knew her They never really cared All she wanted was a friend Alone, she was so scared But they never looked her way Did not hear her cries To them, when she was gone It seemed such a big surprise Since they never really knew her When it came to mourning day They all merged into black rows But none had words to say SHE WAS GONE She awoke that morning To the sound of thunderous rain The tiny bullets of water Reminded her of all the pain Numb, she rose to her feet Stumbled into a world of blackness Where she raised her weapon A tiny gleam in a vast sea of darkness Before the rainbow could set While the healing sun shone Her life had been drained And she was gone FALLING PETALS The delicate touch of the falling petal awoke me Reminded me of a summer so distant When we would walk Passed the rustling stream Along the path, where the rose petals fall The days, long gone, tap at my thoughts When i smell the delightfulness Of the coming summer When i shall relive those moments Held in time by memory And i shall always think of you As the river rustles As i stroll along those paths Where the rose petals fall SOLITUDE Floating along in my battered vessel Down a river which passes every port Waves rise and sun hides behind grey The fleeting sights of joy lived short Further down, the cries of others so faint Their directions all differing to my own Isolation, in this vast sea of black My journey is planned and my route sewn

This is the first time i have ever posted here and the only time i have ever put everything about my illness on an online board. So be warned, this is going to be long, but not as long as it ould be if i got into the whole story. First i will give you some background info on what happened in the early years. For no apprant reason i felt different. Never as if i belonged and had a terrible feeling of not being good enough and ugly, extremely ugly and no use. The only person i ever felt truelly at ease with and as if i was good enough for, was my grandmother. I got bullied kind of. I used to fight back and they never really got what they wanted but the fact that it happened made me ask myself why? Why was i not good enough for people? When i was 16 my grandmother was told she had cancer and there was nothing the doctors could do. She died in a hospital ebd a few months later without even knowing her family were there. The day after my grandmother's funeral, my grandfather, her husband, was found dead in the house. Their funerals were exactly a week apart, and everything identical right down to the flowers. At the same time we had the real neighbours from hell and i wont go into all the things on that front, but there was a lot of violence and it was a constant pressure cooker. I started cutting my arms, mostly around the wrist area just after my grandmother died. I felt like all the stress had built up and it needed to be released in some way. It felt good. I know that is a bad thing to say but it felt so good. Replacing the emotional pain with physical pain made it so much easier to deal with. That doesn't last long though, it's a vicious cycle. I cut pretty much every day until i met a guy. He gave me a reason to stop as i felt for the first time in so long that someone actually cared about me and i mattered. It only lasted 7 months or so though and i messed it up. I couldn't deal with things. I still felt that something better would come along and he would realise he was with a total psychopath, and that he could do better. My paranoia and constant mood swings finally ended it and i felt like yet again i was being abandoned and told i was not good enough. After that i lost control and pretty soon afterwards i became an alcoholic at the age of just 17, although i had dabbled before. I cut on a daily basis, usually more than twice a day. I burned myself, i pulled out my hair, i suffocated myself, i scratched myself til i bled, i hit my head off walls, i did anything that would physically harm me. I cut anywhere and everywhere that there was skin and blood to be drawn out. I also got addicted to painkillers and one night i decided to use them to end it all. It was quite scary as my heartbeat felt very funny and i had some weird visions but i was violently sick and all the pills came up, almost in once piece. I have seen a councellor, many times and still see a psychologist even though i very rarely cut now. I started back college this year after spending a year not going out the house. I couldnt face people and was physicaly sick if i had to leave the house. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up and i felt so angry with myself. I hated myself so much. I also got attacked twice by people i sort of know. The first time was a guy and a girl and the second time was four females. That added quite a bit to the anger and the unable to leave the house. If i didn't harm myself i seriously believe i would have been capable of serious harm to others Although i manage to go to college and have fun, those feelings still come back to me and i have to fight the urge to cut every single day. I don't think it ever really goes away. I think we must battle with it all our lives. Let's hope we win. P.s this is just an outline to my story. It would take forever to tell it all