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Everything posted by Pennypanj

  1. Yes, @Wiseman2is right, this has been going on for years and it probably is co-dependency on my part. He has a knack of making me feel sorry for him- and although last year we went through the motions of separation, we have ended up here again. It was strange actually. He started phoning me like everything was normal- and like we hadn't got to breaking point. I was strong for a while, then he declared his love of me and that he 'just wanted the old me back'. So I gave in- this was partly for the sake of the kids- but having said that I know that my 12 year old is aware of the negativity and he takes my side- which is not healthy, I know. Mainly it was for my husband- he comes from a culture where his family would be appalled and he thinks he would be disgraced if we divorced-I know this- and so I worry for how he would handle it. He is very very mindful of how other people see him (and me) especially his family. Also, I own the house, and it is close to the kids school, so its not a simple case of me packing mine and the kids bags and moving out. I am dreading the conversation he is going to want to have tonight and the mood he will be in- its exhausting.
  2. HI thank you all for your replies. He has always had a tendency to spiral- he won't seek help for any sort of depression, I have tried to tactfully mention this to him before- but he says he only gets 'down' because of me. I have brushed it off time and time again-but after so many years I am being worn down- I don;t feel like myself anymore, and he is right, I have changed towards him- but that's probably to do with the years of living like this- even a hard rock wears away after repeated battering of rain- right? Also, I have told him again and again that I/ we need quality time together without the kids- maybe a date night- but he won't. He says he is too tired or he is working- and that when he's at home he wants to spend the time with the kids (although tbh most of the time he is scrolling on his phone or talking to friends) I crave time and attention from him, and sometimes have dreams about men who will just be holding me, asking about my day and kissing me gently like they really care or we will be laughing together. I feel sad that this isn't my reality- but getting out this situation is not easy. I do like the idea of initiating massage or some other sort of intimacy- but every time I touch him at all he thinks I want more- and then gets frustrated if that's not part of the deal. I understand that men need sex for emotional connection, but surely in this day and age it has to work both ways? He doesn't seem to want to budge though.
  3. Sorry in advance if there is tmi in this post- but I really need some clarity here. My husband has been 'expressing'/ complaining- that I don't give him enough 'attention'- by which he means sex. He exaggerates constantly that he only gets it once a month, but this is not true in the slightest. Its twice or 3 times a week. I have even started to jot down the dates to keep track! Personally, I think that's quite a lot considering we have a 12 and 7 year old who keep me very busy and that we have been married a long time. Also part of story is that I don't actually enjoy or want to have this sex anyway- this is mainly due to lack of emotional connection between the two of us- he spends no time with me, even though I have asked in the past, he shows no interest in me, and partly because of the peri-menopause I think.- but I do it intermittently throughout the week to keep him happy. Otherwise he gets in a terrible mood which spirals. After 14 years of being married, I know this, so now think of it as a means to a quiet and peaceful home. Recently though, even this has not been enough and he now says that I am controlling everything, in that he only gets to have sex when I say so. (There are no fixed days btw!) However, if it was up to him we would have it every night- which I don't want. I have tried reflecting on this to work out if I am being controlling, but keep coming back to the notion that if I don't want to have sex,I shouldn't have to- and that actually he is being controlling for making me feel guilty, pressurising me and by getting in his moods and starting to argue about it in the middle of the night. I have tried to explain this but he always has some comeback- like I should be worried that he could go and get sex elsewhere- then he backtracks and says he would never do that. I counter argued that if I didn't get emotional support, care and attention of the sort I need, then maybe I could go elsewhere too- this did not go down well and he made out that I'd hurt him badly, whereas what he had said was to be accepted. Sorry this ended up being rambling. If you can make sense of this post, please let me know what you think. I am supposed to be working at the moment, but my mind is consumed by this now- as I know he will be wanting to carry on with this when he gets home.
  4. Thank you Bluecastle. That is a very helpful response, which I will take on board. Thanks for your honest responses everyone.
  5. Boltnrun..I was hoping we could resolve the issues, and by him furthering his career this was supposed to be one of the steps, as he was feeling depressed about his work . I wanted us to try everything before giving up and the children being upset by their parents divorcing. I now see that the issues will never be resolved and do not wish the children to be damaged which is why I am seeking advice now.
  6. Thanks, we have been married 11 years (together 14) He's always had low moods, but they have become the norm now and the bad treatment is prevalent. He tickles the kids and makes them laugh for an hour or so a day, apart from that nothing else. I am the main breadwinner, and the house and all bills etc are in my name. We were happier when we lived apart while he was working away but this was not an official 'separation'.
  7. Hi again, yes this is the same man from my previous post 3 years ago. As I said we have been going round in circles, for a year and a half he was working abroad, so we were fine, most of that time. He's back now.and has reverted back to how he was before he went.
  8. Hi, thanks for your replies Holly and Billy. I have only told a close friend, they are shocked because to the outside world he's like a saint. But as soon as he walks through the door he is like a force that sucka the life and hapiness from the room. He criticises, blames, stone-walls, dismisses the kids acheivements, plays the victim etc. He says I am the root cause of him not being more successful in life and that I should dote on him more. He won't give me any of his time, he won't have a conversation with me. You may well be right, I might sound bitter. I have supported our family and him for years, I have helped him further his career by backing him when he went abroad and by managing alone without compliant. I think I have a right to be bitter in that respect. Maybe he won't end up in a grotty flat, but he will be upset and maybe regretful. As the father of our children I do care about him and his mental health, and hate the thought of him being even lower than he is now. (btw last year he agreed to go to the GP to see whether he was depressed- he never went, he says any depression he feels is because of me).
  9. Hi, I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone I think is narcissistic. I know that our marriage must end, there is no will to change on his part, and we have been going around in circles for years now. I have endured this because I thought it would be best for our children, however they are older now and are starting to notice the treatment their dad gives me, and I worry that this will affect them. My eldest has even stated that we are all happier when daddy is not at home. Anyway, I know I am letting myself and possibly my kids down by not asking him to leave, but here's the thing, I can't... Not because of financial reasons, I earn enough to manage alone, not for confidence reasons, I know I can manage on my own with the kids (have done for a year and a half while he worked abroad) or for any other reason, except that my conscience is making me feel sorry for the future man. I can't cope with the thought of him being upset, lonely in a grotty flat, regretting what he has done, facing his family etc. When I envisage this it makes me back down from having the heart to force the marriage to be over. He is downright nasty to me, I know it, I don't even like him anymore and if it were anyone else I'd tell them to get rid...but I have this barrier. I am strong in every other area, but this. Does anyone know why? Is there some psychological reason or am I just being a doormat? If anyone could share some insight, I could hopefully try to address this once I fathom whats wrong with me...🙁 Many thanks.
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