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Everything posted by ShatteredMan

  1. Have you consulted with a trainer? Its one thing to solicit online advice (to which you will get a million answers), but its another for someone to do an evaluation of your current state/baseline and then propose a training regimen that is crafted toward your goals and availability. The second step is to evaluate your diet via the trainer (or preferably a dietitian). The last things are accountability to yourself in terms of going through the workout (emphasis on correct form and repetitions), maintaining your frequency and progression of the plan and recording what you do in the gym/bootcamp/whatever. Also, cut your processed sugar intake. It will have a dramatic effect on how sore you are due to its impact on nerve compression throughout the body. (Please read "Sugar Crush" by Dr. Richard Jacoby) Edit: Just saw J.Man's advice. Completely agree with all of it.
  2. I'm a little worried about your statement above. If you can get some help from a professional resource through your school or healthcare provider, I suggest taking advantage of this. It takes a lot of strength to ask for help, but there's no shame in doing it. You need to take DanZee's advice ASAP. Time and space away from someone that you've built a fantasy around and tied your identity to is a tough thing to deal with. I did this but it was hell trying to recover. But I did and so will you! This will be one of the hardest things you do in your life but once you give yourself time to heal, you're going to be stronger than you ever imagined. Stop this mentality of "What's the point of anything anymore?" The point is that you gave something the best shot that you could but the person that you depended on to return this wasn't able to do it. Matter of fact, she was shady and did manipulate you. The odds were against you and you lost because she's not who/what you thought she was (as was my ex). More than likely, she'll do it to the new guy as well. If you disappear and cut her off (this includes all form of social media!), you will allow yourself to cool down, get your head straight, you'll eventually see what we're talking about. But you've got to take the right steps forward toward recovery and reconstitution of who you are without her. If she comes calling, do not be her "knight in shining armor" or a shoulder to cry on. Be strong, focus on you and carry on.
  3. HBD! As for asking her out, definitely do it. What have you got to lose? If she says no, there's plenty of other women that are looking for a guy that has what you're bringing to the table..... Warning: Don't compare her to your ex. She's probably everything your ex is not (and I think that I can speak for everyone here in saying that we hope this is the truth!), but if you are comparing this to your previous experience, it can be a massive hindrance in many ways. Speaking as someone who did this, it was almost like a form of self-sabotage.
  4. This is fantastic advice. As someone who took well over a year to be over my ex, I kept trying to speed up the healing process without dealing with a host of other issues. Time and space away from them are the best allies you have right now. Also, stay off of any social media where you can see what they are doing. This was the biggest problem (e-creeping) that I had when I was recovering from a terrible breakup. Its like popping open stitches that the doctor put in the day before......over and over again. How can you heal you keep inflicting pain upon yourself?
  5. Truth. As painful as it may be when you're in this situation, its not fair to either of you to have to deal with this BS. That being said, be careful because if you walk away from this you have to MEAN IT! It takes a lot of strength to do, it takes even more strength to stick to NC but once you do, it will allow you time and space to heal from this. Once you've healed, centered yourself in every way, you'll be ready for someone else that isn't going to play this game with you.
  6. C'mon man! You're really reaching here..... Per MissCanuck's and other's advice, you need to get control of the anxiety that's driving your behavior in this situation. I went through this with a big breakup a while ago so I know where you are now with this process.... As someone who went through this process and made it far longer and more painful than it had to be (and pretended I was improving when I wasn't), I can only advise you to shut off your Facebook and other social media accounts immediately. If you can stop the "e-creeping" of your ex, it will free you to concentrate on you rather than her. Its amazing what this first step will do to make this situation improve. I know that at everyone believes that they can't survive without it, but you can and it will let you focus on your work, going to the gym, classwork/studying etc. This new mental space will allow you room for acceptance of the situation as it is, self-reflection on what you need to do improve yourself, actions that make this self-improvement happen and ultimately, meeting new people. Here's the other thing: She's knows you're probably trying to figure out what she's up to because you are hoping she'll magically come back. How is she going to miss you when she knows that you're always available via social media? Disappear like a fart in the wind. And don't ask about her through mutual friends, either. This will get back to her. Guaranteed. As for the Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas thing: As other's have said, be short and sweet. Don't ask for an opportunity to make up/reconcile/etc. Wish her well through a short response. If she then replies with questions about how you're doing, give a short response that you're doing well and you hope that she is too. As MissCanuck has stated, the ball is in her court in terms of reconciliation, not yours. With this and her past behavior in mind, the strongest move you can make is one for yourself in terms of time and space away from her. Focus on making improvement in some area of your life everyday until it becomes a habit! It took me far too long and I wasted so much time, effort, emotions etc. by keeping false hope alive that I could get my ex back. I should have done all of the above sooner than I did. Luckily, I released this false hope, refocused and worked on self-improvement and LO AND BEHOLD! A woman who trumps my ex in every way possible came into my life.
  7. Completely agree. Get professional help, both from a physical and psychological approach. Your healthcare provider probably has resources that can help with the counseling. Don't rely on friends and family to get you through this. Their real role is to encourage you and support you in your decision to get professional help, not be your counselor/confidant/etc. I know that some will disagree with this because we've all been conditioned to go to someone within our circle of friends and family for this initial stage of direction. When I was dealing with my situation I ended up alienating people because I needed a counselor and I wouldn't stop complaining about my situation to them instead. Don't be that guy....
  8. I wholeheartedly echo the suggestions about premarital counseling and I've had friends that endorse the Gottman publications as well. OP: Unfortunately from what you describe, I think I know this guy pretty well. He sounds just like my father. As soon as an argument starts or something sets him off, its probably the equivalent of opening a flood gate of unresolved conflict from the past. In my dad's case, he's a highly-educated, extremely intelligent lawyer who reads everything except information on how to cultivate, maintain and nurture relationships. I'm willing to bet this guy may also have some control issues that drive him to always "put people in their place" so that he has more power in the relationship. More than likely, there's other factors in his life that he feels either helpless (and wants control over them) or he assigns more value to /derives more happiness from another facet of his life (work, sports) due to his success/sense of positive control over it and can only approach other areas/relationships that aren't as satisfying through what works for him elsewhere. If this isn't working, then the control-based anxiety manifests itself during moments of conflict through the communication and behaviors we see. In my father's case, when my mother would suggest counseling he would scoff, pick apart how psychologists approach the situation you're in and why people react the way that they do. Once, they actually did go to counseling, he turned the session around on the counselor through his formidable skills of cross-examination and (according to my mother) almost made the counselor break down and cry. So that was the first and last time they tried that approach.... Something that took a long time for me to learn, is that the conflict that existed between my parents, as well as between my father and I, were not my fault. There are some people that many conflict resolution tactics don't work on because they can recognize what you're trying to do and realize that if they lose an argument (ie. lawyers), then they lose power in the relationship, respect among their peers, or whatever. This why they pull out all the "dirty laundry" or keep a list of all the things that someone has done to them or feel the need to tear them down by pointing out past negative situations where that person did something to anger them/cause problems/impact the relationship. I sincerely hope that my assumptions about your fiancee are incorrect and I hope that the suggestions and warnings here lead to better things in your relationship and future.
  9. Perhaps a bad choice of words. I'm referring to the girl that is currently the center of his attention and is spending time with Henrik....which has led us to this conversation. He's focusing on her as a "target". I should have referred to her as "Girl #1" when suggesting that he find a "Girl #2" who is probably looking for a guy just like him and isn't cuddling up to other guys. My apologies.
  10. OP: Stay the hell away from this woman. Don't speak or make eye contact with her. Don't sit anywhere near her in meetings if you can avoid it. You're about to walk into a bad situation my having this possibly circulating around your office. Per Wiseman's assessment, a sexual harassment allegation (whether or not it ends up in disciplinary action/legal ramifications) will haunt you no matter where you go if it ends up getting you thrown out of this company. Even if it doesn't, it will more than likely affect your upward and lateral mobility.
  11. That's what I'm thinking. Fact: Two canceled dates. Result: Drop her like a bad habit. She doesn't respect you or your time. Move on.
  12. Yeah, Dan's right. This girl is a "mercenary". No contact, time, new social surroundings, a new gym, etc. are the best allies you can have. Also, stay off of social media as much as you can to move the healing process along.
  13. As you can tell by now, this really won't "go away in time" without continued professional help. (Flamesuit on): People who have psychological issues like this that "work on them/get better" usually transfer them to other things which give the appearance that they've conquered the issue and are doing well. The reason that I say this is because I have multiple family members with anorexia, were suicidal (at one point or another) and other eating disorders due to fear-based psychological control issues. I've also dated girls that were anorexic , no thanks to the pressures of the insane world of the modeling industry. Nearly every one of them that "got over these issues in time" had to stay medicated, abused other substances (which they tried to hide) or manifested other multiple behaviors to replace/compensate for the changes they were trying to make in their lives, despite having professional help along the way. I know that I sound like a complete insensitive a-hole for this but having been through this as many times as I have been with people that I cared about and supported, I walk away from dating prospects that are either in the process of "dealing with these issues". Sorry for saying it this way but I won't do it again. OP: I understand that you care about this girl but there's going to be a point where you have given all you can and you need to close the door on her. I wish you the best of luck with it and to all those who are dealing with these issues firsthand or as part of a support system for those who are.
  14. Kevin: Dancing Fool is giving some good advice. Its tough to accept when you've built up fantasies around her before establishing a relationship in reality. Furthermore, your insecurities around this situation are probably starting to show which is also probably starting to turn her off and point her more toward this guy. As much as we try to hide things like this, women can detect it and it is instant repellent to them. Also if you're blowing her up by texting/calling/emailing/facebook etc with her, she won't wonder what you're doing when she's aware that you're over-pursuing her. She doesn't need to know (or probably care) what you're doing morning, noon, and night. Go no contact for a while and see what happens. If she wants you in her life, she'll let you know one way or the other. If she doesn't reach out, you have all the knowledge that you need to about the situation. In the meantime, there's probably plenty of gorgeous girls around that would take you over "Henrik" every day of the week. And if they aren't as gorgeous as the girl you're fixated on, you may find that they are more compatible with you in many more ways than this girl. Give them a chance while you're going "no contact". Also, if you do start spending time with another girl, don't take her places (that you know that this original target girl will be) in order to make a display of it. Women can sense when you're putting on a show for their benefit. Good luck with it.
  15. Truth. Move on. This is a "no-win" situation for you. There is someone out there that doesn't have this bag of drama for you to deal with and is everything that she is not. Go find her.
  16. I remember the pain after I found out my ex moved on sooner than I expected. It took a long time but now I'm very happy that I didn't end up with her like I'd fantasized for so long. It would have been a disaster and I dodged the biggest bullet that's ever been fired at me. It may take you a while to realize this but after the pain subsides (time and distance are your friend!) and the world becomes a little clearer, you'll see that his mother did you a favor. You can read my story and advice to move on as positively as you can (or at least what worked for me). Just remember that this world is a big place full of men that are everything that your ex wasn't and there's probably someone out there looking for someone just like you. The question is whether or not you can pick yourself up, improve upon who and what you are today and then put yourself back out there when you're ready and not emotionally tied to what you're going through now. Don't rush it.
  17. I'm with Last Gentleman in that you should decide that whether or not you're going to have terms dictated to you by this woman or hand her some walking papers. It sounds like you've agreed to let her come and go as she pleases to and from being involved in a relationship with you. If you're okay with this (or if she's cool that you can do the same) and you can live with this, I wish you the best.....but watch her like a hawk and don't leave anything of yours at her place.....
  18. You should wait until you hear from her again. Don't reach out or find a way to bump into her anywhere for any reason - physically or out here in interwebland. She'll never miss you if you stay in her stream of attention... Strong possibility. It's also (technically) not a break until you actually do restart a relationship. While that does happen, don't wait/hope/expect it. Start treating this as a break up and start healing and working on yourself to move forward. It won't be easy but the sooner you start, the sooner you'll get through the pain/remorse and all that comes with it if you're actually hurting from what's happening. Then again, you may find that when you start doing things on your own for you, you may not miss her as much as you thought.
  19. This thread reassures me that the best decisions that I've made recently are to shut off FB and making the choice not to join any other forms of social media like Twitter or snapchat.
  20. Completely agree with this and Wiseman and Miss Canuck's advice. The sooner you make the decision to move on (and this may take some time), the sooner you'll heal. Also, do not immediately rush into a new relationship until you know that your heart and mind will allow you to enter it without referencing this relationship in comparison. Its not fair to anyone to use another to "fix" your situation. Been there, done that and it's wrong.
  21. It sounds like you moved too quickly, he was probably looking for someone to rebound with (sorry, its you), he's not dealt with the break up, his family probably want him to go back to her. The fact that he clams up when you approach him about this issue says he's got some unfinished business in his mind or heart with her. Communication is key but if he won't open up about it, you need to pack your stuff and go. I had a relationship years ago like this (but without the family influence). She still was dealing with aftermath of a breakup and was dating just to not be alone and it became obvious as she started to open up to me. As soon as she indicated that she was still dealing with the breakup about two months after we had been together, I grabbed every thing that was mine from her place, hit the door and never looked back. It was the right choice.
  22. There was someone else in the picture and she probably was lining you up as "Plan B" so she could monkeybranch/overlap to you if the other guy didn't comply with some demands that she put down on him. She probably got what she wanted out of him after sometime or she was afraid that he would move on with someone else, etc. Whatever her story is, it doesn't matter at this point. If she reaches out, I wouldn't respond for anything. If you see her out (and don't go looking for opportunities to bump into her), leave her alone. Don't creep her through mutual friends either. At least you only lost two months out of your life thanks to her. Now move on and don't open up so quickly to the next one.
  23. Agree with the previous advice about going NC. Let her come back when she's ready. Don't reach out to her at all at this point. Don't cyberstalk or check up on her by "conveniently running into her". Don't call, text or reach out for any reason including wishing happy holidays/birthdays/"did you hear about..." or any of that. Remember, you are giving her all the space she wants...and in doing so, she will have time to weigh her options, think about your relationship and make decisions about the future. That space and your absence (without interference or coercion) will either bring her back or she will decide to end it. While it isn't going to be pleasant, its the strongest move you can do at this point. In this time apart, take the time to do some things that you want to do or need to do like go the gym, reconnect with buddies that you haven't hung out with in a while, or take up something that you used to do but haven't done because she wasn't into it or you chose to spend time with her rather than doing it for yourself. Also, don't talk about this situation or her to your buddies or your family. They aren't your therapist and will not want to play that role in reality. If you need a therapist, go to a professional. One of my buddies' girlfriend just suggested a break in a similar fashion to what you've just been handed. They had planned to take a trip to the Caribbean somewhere and he was planning to pop the question. After she told him that she needed space, she thought that he would cancel the trip. Much to her surprise, he had no intention of cancelling his itinerary. (She got her space in a big way) He took the trip on his own for two weeks, took the time to get his head straight (he was messed up from her decision), came back with a tan and a new sense of purpose/new outlook on life, and promptly dropped off her stuff on her doorstep. Now she's calling all the time and he hasn't made up his mind whether or not he needs to respond to her or needs her in his life......he probably will but when he's good and ready..... If and when this girl does reach out, since you're going to be busy with things that you've not been doing before, let her tell you when she's available to come over to your place for dinner. No restaurants, movies, clubs, etc. until you get clear signals through behavior that she is interested in continuing the relationship in a romantic way. At that point, you have to concentrate more on her actions than her words. She may say things like what you've described in your post, but if she's not reaching out without being prompted or indicating that she wants to spend time with you, this should tell you all you need to know. This situation sucks and a lot of us have gone through this. Stay strong. Go no contact and prioritize yourself over trying to save this situation. It may work itself out if you leave it alone....
  24. He's trying to figure out if he can use you as a "Plan B" while setting his sights on someone else. Walk on.
  25. Half the couples I knew at your age got divorced around that time. Most were remarried by their late thirties...
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