ShatteredMan

Mastodon: "Toe to Toes"

The point is; it does happen but be careful about the concept called hope. It’s a tough one. Hope for the hearbroken is what we cling to when we have nothing left. The mental gymnastics some of us will do to convince ourselves that there is still a chance they’ll come knocking on that door or we’ll get that text one day is admirable in a way. It’s the optimist in us that can still seek forgiveness and love and still see the potential for good to come of extreme pain. So keep that going guys, keep reading the thread if it gets you through the day but be careful not to get too obsessed with other people’s stories of love lost and won again because the parallels are not parallels they are merely messages of good faith in the power of love for some.

 

My message to the heartbroken as I have been there very recently is that remember your brain right now is like a drug addict, your whole being wants it’s comfort zone back and I assure like any addict going cold turkey you will eventually equalise. There will always be something you crave but eventually you won’t need it to function. Reading this is like using a nicotine patch, it gives you that slight hit to keep you going. But you wouldn’t use a patch forever. So, don’t force it but expect life to feel really ty for quite a long time and there’s no set time period. Don’t try and put a positive spin on trauma just accept it and if you can, laugh about how unfortunate you were because in a lot of ways it’s hilarious the hand you can be dealt. The most powerful tool we have is to let go of expectation when we mourn and the only way we do that is by letting go of the need to control the lives of others. Genuinely, I assure you, life will be good either way and it doesn’t take as long as you think it will. You may always feel pain but you can still feel pain and be happy eventually. So keep reading and keep exploring the advice on here, don’t get addicted to hope for one outcome just read and laugh and don’t force happiness because it’s travelling towards you, you just don’t know where it is.

Completely agree. After a year of a clear heart and mind, I've reached a state of acceptance that my relationship was based on a fantasy that I built up around my ex - none of which was based on evidence of effort, value or respect. While we've both moved on with other people, the pain is gone (I'll still admit to being angry about it) but what I've gained by relinquishing false hope of reconciliation is worth more than anything she could ever give me.

I'm sure that many of you who are reading this are in the most painful emotional state of your lives. This is normal. How you choose to move forward will determine the amount of growth and preparation for a relationship that will exceed the one that you've left behind in more ways than you can imagine. Unfortunately, depending on where you are in the healing process, that may seem like a distant ship on the horizon (I know, Pink Floyd - but its true!).

I know that I read this thread so many times when I was moving through the "denial stage" of my recovery. Now that I'm operating with a clear mind, its easy to say, "Don't read this stuff!!! False hope is your worst enemy!!" But, man, there were sometimes that this thread (and others) were like that aforementioned emotional nicotine patch........

However, all of us will reach a stage one day where we realize, "Hey, you know something? My life ain't so bad..." and then you assess the fact that you've got too much going on professionally, socially and have found new things to involve yourself with that have slowly taken over the space that your ex once had. What's really cool is once you've healed and you're not emotionally attached to the fantasy of reconciliation or "what might have been", you're open to new people in your life and someone who is something totally different in many ways to your ex comes into focus. You'll see that all of things that you held onto by reading this thread, stalking them through social media, finding ways to run into them, etc......were all an exercise in futility because you didn't need your ex to be something great to someone else.

I hope all of you who are struggling move forward in some small way. If reading another thread (instead of this one) is that step today, then take it.

Things will get better. I promise.

Be well.

Heard about your new house and your new boyfriend. I'm really surprised that you made it out of the old apartment complex finally. It only took you shy of 20 years......

As for the new guy, well he doesn't really sound like a winner but then again you've never been a good judge of character. I doubt you'll realize what you lost in terms of a future with me but what the hell.....I'm just venting and none of this would hurt you if I was saying to your face anyway.

As for the house, I'm sure you bought right where I told you I never would. Guess what? I'll make more money on my place in terms of value than you will in the next three to four years. Good move.

I broke NC with my ex on Christmas via text. I didn't suggest that we meet up or anything, but I did what I did and now I can't take it back.

Hope you're doing well. I've reached the state where I forgive you but I won't forget how you moved on.

Maybe we'll bump into each other again ("some sunny day") and I'm willing to bet that you're still where you are in every aspect of your life right now: Same apartment, same dead end job, same trashy friends with low-value men for boyfriends and husbands, still going to wine tastings three nights a week with the old Buckhead drunks that get a feeling of superiority because they don't get sloshed in bars.

I'm so sorry that you chose to not to walk down the path of life with me. Now someone else who deserves a man of my caliber will get a loving, caring, respectful and supportive husband who is making the most of their life and sharing it with someone who appreciates me.

I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for in life....whatever the hell it is.....

I hope you're doing well. Despite the fact that I've forgiven you, I won't be reaching out.

Maybe one day you'll look back and think about what could have been. Somehow I doubt you will.....

Joe Satriani - Speed of Light

After a year of NC, I bumped into my ex last week while jogging at the park after seeing her update her dating profile on a site ( a few weeks before) that we're mutually on. (Backstory: We broke up approximately a year ago. She moved on a 1.5 months later with another guy). I've been a good boy, sucked it up and stayed NC....but its been hell....

Ironically, she was with the guy that she previously dated before me (for 14 years!). She looked straight at me and smiled in a strange way. He looked at me kind of funny too....Perhaps its been a better year in the gym than I thought!! LOL

All of a sudden a strange calm came over me, as if all the anxiety and pain just lifted away....

At that moment, I wanted to send her a text saying: "Well it looks like you're right back to where you started....good luck with that. In ten years, you'll be right where you are right now. Same job, same guy, same apartment, same life. If you'd opened your heart to me, we'd probably be engaged and beginning a new life that this guy could never give you. Its been a bittersweet year but I've got a new job, a new house and a great life without you. The only negative thing I have in my life is a distrust of women now....thanks to you.

I'm sorry you chose to pull back and go after a guy who got you free wine tastings. Now you're back with a guy who's only passion is his motorcycle and getting drunk with his buddies.

People have told me that you 'gave me the gift of goodbye'. I think I know what they mean now.

I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for. I'm sure you'll find some older guy to make you his trophy wife and make you his little toy. Hopefully, you'll find some happiness with all the other aging trophy wives in the bottoms of bottles of Pinot Grigio every weekend."

But my maturity came back into the picture and I left it alone. I went home with a big smile on my face....

The next day I went to check my dating profile and lo and behold! She made major updates to her pictures and verbiage less than 24 hours after we saw each other.

Of course my mind says, "Maybe she's trying to screw with me?" (she knows I'm the site too). The other part of me says, "Leave it alone. Move forward".

I'm torn....but I haven't reached out....

Stay strong, everyone. Be good to yourselves.

Its been a year since we've been together. I don't know if you remember that last special night together but I do.

Its clear that you're not coming back. I've been ready to release you from my mind and heart for a long time but don't know why I haven't been able to.

I guess its that I had to get to the point where you no longer mattered. I guess you got there a lot faster than I did.

Good luck finding anyone that would have brought what I could have to our future.

I watched a special on John Lennon and him and Yoko broke up for 18 months and then they got back together and had a baby!

And wrecked the Beatles.....

Goes to show that no matter the circumstances whether there was cheating involved, moving on to another relationship, etc, if things are meant to be, it will be.

I can tell you that if I ever found out that one of my ex's (that I still am friends with) cheated while we together, I'd never get back together.

Joe Satriani - Speed of Light

I'm moving out or our building and I'm moving on. You chose to move on without me and its a shame. We could have had a real future. Your new guy isn't even on my level and you know it.

I actually feel sad for you. You've actually given me the gift of new found strength through renewed faith, a new emotional center and peace, a new sense of purpose. These may have been all the time but it took the heartbreak that I've been through to show them.

I've got someone new in my life. While she may not be as physically beautiful as you, she's everything that you aren't and never will be. An "upgrade" is an "understatement" in terms of emotion and support that I feel from her after just three months as to what you gave me after nine. While you may be the prettiest thing wherever you go, she's a doctor and that is an upgrade from a cruise director (which is what you're going to be the rest of your career unless this guy makes you a housewife). Don't you forget it.

I thought that you "won" by moving on with someone so quickly. I now realize that you never gave a damn and you didn't deserve me or anything I gave so freely to you including unconditional love and support.

I'm the real winner here. You'll realize it one day.

Everything I see you, I want to say something but I'm overcome with the hurt and resentment of how quickly you moved on...

Just tell me the truth: Did you have relations with him (either physical or emotional) before we split?

Don't you realize that reason that I over pursued, said everything that I did, provided everything was because I got no validation whatsoever from you?

What man in your life ever showed you how much potential you had or tried to inspire you to move forward professionally? Don't you see that I did that out of love and I wanted to invest in you for the future? Geez, you invest in nothing.....including yourself...

Good luck with the new guy. He'll figure you out soon enough....