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ShatteredMan

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Everything posted by ShatteredMan

  1. Congratulations! I think you've done the right thing for you at this point even though it was a tough decision and a painful action. I wish I had done the same thing at three weeks instead of 18 months. I would have moved through my situation much faster in terms of refocusing on self-improvement which would have led to a happier state sooner.
  2. Go buy another blazer. Disable all your social media accounts. Go to the gym. Hangout with new and non-mutual friends. Read books on relationships, self-improvement, spirituality, professional advancement....anything that will require putting your attention to toward things that will disrupt the stream of thoughts about your ex, what's she doing, etc. Then go full no contact. Do not reach out in anyway. She is gone. Its hard to do these things, but they are your strongest moves to do at this point.
  3. Agree with this. When we "fall in love with someone", we assign space in our minds and hearts to the hope and fantasy of an everlasting state of being and feelings that we have when we first start the relationship. As a relationship disintegrates in the mind of one or more of those involved with the relationship (through loss of attraction due to bad or inattentive behavior, usually), that "space" is then reassigned to things (work, social, etc.) either in reality or a new fantasy of being with someone else that they become attracted to. When your unrequited love is painfully rejected and thrown away by the other person that is removing themselves in the relationship, the fear-based anxiety that you (the person still in love with the "dumper"/person leaving the relationship) experiences is attributable to legitimate biochemical processes that your brain uses to interpret information that says "I am loved and I know this..." By choosing to focus your mind and heart (and this is the hardest thing of all in recovery) on things that benefit you in terms of health, wealth and well-being, you start to reassign that "space" in your heart and mind to new (sometimes old) things that eventually replace that which you assigned to the mental processes (and in turn, the biochemical processes ) that your brain retrains itself to interpret as "these things make me happy and I know this......" As someone who spent far too much time, emotion and energy on someone who I projected my fantasy of "lets be happily ever after together" and then self-sabotaged my own recovery by not CHOOSING to bring other positive things into my world, please choose to "move the needle" by doing something new today that helps you reclaim the space in your mind and heart that is rightfully yours and not your ex's.
  4. 1. Pay off any debt (credit cards, loans) as quickly as possible while researching investing (as previously mentioned) tactics. 2. Open a Roth IRA and plan to make the maximum contribution every year (something I'm glad I've been doing for over 20 years) until you make more money than the govt allows in order to make said investment. Lowers your taxable income. Never take any money out until you retire! This is treated as income and you will pay a penalty to the government and your portfolio in terms of growth. If you have a stint of unemployment, resist the temptation to use this to support yourself as long as possible. 3. Take advantage of any 401k options your employer allows and put in at least what your employer matches. I highly recommend putting in as much as you can afford as soon as you can. It will also lower your taxable income. 4. I like DanZee's suggestion about an index fund as a next step. Index funds are about the safest thing out there on the market in terms of risk.
  5. Completely agree. Agreeing to friendzone now is an agreement to friendzone forever.
  6. Completely agree with Wiseman's assessment. While he might have reached out for these reasons and in his mind, never intended to hurt you, it starting to affect you due to your rekindled feelings for him. You've also recognized some other aspects of his life (ex-wife, his mother) that you're going to have to contend with down the road if your "fantasy/best case scenario" plays out in that he concludes the divorce, your emotional/physical relations continue, etc. There's also the issue of the kids that are also in the middle of all of this, their needs and what coping mechanisms are put in place to facilitate their lives and positive growth. I'm sorry that this situation has not turned out to be what you expected. Its probably time to assess whether or not you want your life to have these elements in it or not. My vote is to walk away before it gets more complicated than it is.
  7. Completely agree. After a year of a clear heart and mind, I've reached a state of acceptance that my relationship was based on a fantasy that I built up around my ex - none of which was based on evidence of effort, value or respect. While we've both moved on with other people, the pain is gone (I'll still admit to being angry about it) but what I've gained by relinquishing false hope of reconciliation is worth more than anything she could ever give me. I'm sure that many of you who are reading this are in the most painful emotional state of your lives. This is normal. How you choose to move forward will determine the amount of growth and preparation for a relationship that will exceed the one that you've left behind in more ways than you can imagine. Unfortunately, depending on where you are in the healing process, that may seem like a distant ship on the horizon (I know, Pink Floyd - but its true!). I know that I read this thread so many times when I was moving through the "denial stage" of my recovery. Now that I'm operating with a clear mind, its easy to say, "Don't read this stuff!!! False hope is your worst enemy!!" But, man, there were sometimes that this thread (and others) were like that aforementioned emotional nicotine patch........ However, all of us will reach a stage one day where we realize, "Hey, you know something? My life ain't so bad..." and then you assess the fact that you've got too much going on professionally, socially and have found new things to involve yourself with that have slowly taken over the space that your ex once had. What's really cool is once you've healed and you're not emotionally attached to the fantasy of reconciliation or "what might have been", you're open to new people in your life and someone who is something totally different in many ways to your ex comes into focus. You'll see that all of things that you held onto by reading this thread, stalking them through social media, finding ways to run into them, etc......were all an exercise in futility because you didn't need your ex to be something great to someone else. I hope all of you who are struggling move forward in some small way. If reading another thread (instead of this one) is that step today, then take it. Things will get better. I promise. Be well.
  8. As men, we "try to fix things" even when there's nothing broken. We start second-guessing what we did in terms of interaction and we go nuts trying to figure out the answer to a problem that exists in someone else's world. That's when the needy behavior starts......and then really crashes the relationship for good because our emotions get the better of us when we should be operating on logic. Let it go. There's probably more to this story than you know.....and that's okay! Let her come back of her own free will. Don't call/text/message her at all. If she misses you and wants you in her life, she'll find a way to let you know. If not, there's someone that you can have the same initial dating experience (if not better!) and won't pull this disappearing number on you. In the meantime, start looking for other options. There's a lot of good women in this world....
  9. This is a form of emotional cheating. If you accept this behavior now, you will not be able to break him of it in the future and it will always be something you agreed to in this relationship.
  10. I had one of those moments as was moving out of my old place. On the last night as I was locking up for the last time, I threw away the receipt to some jewelry I bought the ex. I remember the light blue Tiffany envelope sticking to the side of the trash compactor chute opening in the rain. I looked up just in time to see her driving out to meet up with her new guy. I looked back down on the stuck receipt and spat on it to make sure it landed in the pile below.
  11. I'd ask her why she felt the need to tell you about this, why did she do this to her ex and gauge what she says very carefully. If she doesn't want to talk about it again, I would start considering your exit strategy while watching her like a hawk. I think people who have made mistakes can change or not repeat bad choices. On the other hand, knowing what you do about their past behavior adds overhead to the process of building and maintaining trust when starting a relationship. Also, once the honeymoon period is over and you detect signs of lowering attraction levels from her, be careful and make sure you "continue to date her" as you did in the initial stages of the relationships. Good luck and choose wisely.....
  12. And sadly, I would only accept communication via this channel.
  13. Welcome to friendzone. She's keeping you as a backup until she can find your replacement. I know that this is painful to hear but she's probably sending these pics to other guys as well until she hooks into another one. This is disrespectful behavior toward you and you know it. As for your statement that you think "she doesn't realize she's flirting"......C'MON MAN!!!! She knows EXACTLY what she's doing. She's messing with your head and emotions because she KNOWS you would take her back in a heartbeat......until she starts this process all over again. Bank on it, chief! In the meantime, you're in Italy which has tons of beautiful women everywhere. Do you think that there's not a better looking girl who is probably smarter and will treat you with more respect than this? Do you think that there won't be someone else who wants a man like you in her life? Wouldn't it be great to be able to walk past her on the street, smile politely as you walk by and then go meet someone else who treasures you, values your time and attention and has the intention of making you happy? You should never call/text/like photos/find a way to run into your ex again. It will be tough but you can do it.
  14. OP: I'm sorry that you are going through this. However, Ms. Canucks is right. Here's the thing: You're 27 years old. You have a lot of things that are going to be coming your way in life. You're going to have to decide whether or not you are going to let this situation define who you are OT are you going to accept what has happened, think about what you've been given in terms of this situation, learn about relationships, learn about who you are as a man, realize how strong you can be through this and then realize how your pain was the best teacher you could have. The events and pain that you are dealing with today do not define who you are in the future but you need to go through this so that you can stand up and say, " The ish I went through was hell and be a use of it and the lessons that I learned by moving through it made me something much stronger, better and open to a relationship with someone who will never walk away when it counts". You will get through this.
  15. So he wouldn't mind having you as a "side piece". This should tell you everything you need to know about how he values you. Does this language and his behavior indicate that he values what you used to have and can't live without you in his life? Delete all forms of contact. Shutdown your Facebook/social media accounts and start focusing on you so that you can build yourself back up for a man who will want you for more than "a roll in the hay".
  16. Truth. Do this now. Its good that you're getting help. Make the most of it and learn from what you're going through. Its sucks while you're working through the pain but once you start concentrating yourself rather than the imaginary picture that you're still painting of her coming back around, begging for your forgiveness (won't happen), you'll learn more about yourself and the dynamics of relationships. This, in turn, will prepare you for the next time that you see red flags with someone that you're about to get into a relationship with. In a weird way, one day you'll realize that she "gave you the gift of goodbye" because this crap that you're dealing with will make you a stronger man who won't tolerate a repeat of this situation and you'll see it coming before it throws your life sideways again.
  17. Absolutely. She will keep this ex in her life as a backup as long as you accept this behavior and situation. I saw walk away and mean it. There are many women out there that won't pull this crap on you.
  18. +1 Absolutely. Do not chase or smother her. You should be looking at other options at this point anyway.
  19. I was amazed at her assertion as well. I would tell her that you (and others) think its hilarious and due justice. And it takes strength to walk away and mean it. I'm glad you're doing it. Stay strong keep on moving, Knightman.
  20. Agree. Get some professional counseling and a good divorce lawyer. I know this is probably of little consolation but at least (from what I've read) there aren't children between the two of you.
  21. These statements tell you everything you need to know about her. Start no contact immediately so you can start your healing process. This means no calls/texts, deleting her contact information and unfriending her on every form of social media. And do not stalk her for any reason. The best thing you can do is disappear and concentrate on learning, growing and being a better man that is going to be something that the next wonderful woman that comes into your life will want in hers. As part of the healing process, I highly recommend disabling your Facebook and other social media accounts so that you will not be tempted to creep her. When you creep her, it is like stabbing yourself in the heart and is a blocker in the healing process. Once you start to heal, you'll eventually accept the situation for what it is and was and then you'll be able to realize that she would not have been a good long term investment.....as her ex husband learned a long time ago. I know this advice sounds harsh, but this is the reality that you will come to grips with once you start to take back the space that you gave to her in your mind and heart. You've taken a very good first step by getting professional counseling. It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help. I hope you continue down this road and that you heal and move forward in many positive ways in your life.
  22. Crazy and emotionally unstable girls are easy targets because they latch on to others that they hope will help them "fix themselves" through their perception of strength that they themselves never had. A man who is experienced in the dating world can see this, and if he's looking for a quick score, can reel them in easily because they make it easy. Some men make this choice if they are looking for "hit it and quit it situations" and the crazy girl accepts this because she thinks that she's landed something special (cue her stalking after being ghosted). Most stronger men see this girl for what she is pretty quickly and have enough experience and sense to walk away and never talk to her again. Conversely, since latching on to others quickly is a frequent "rinse and repeat" process for the crazy girl, they know how to gain affinity quickly. When guys are inexperienced in the dating/relationship realm, they sense that this is a rare opportunity and misinterpret her signals as signs of genuine attraction and miss the signals/red flags that she's a low value target that just wants someone to help them right their ship, so to speak. Did it once. Now I know. Never again.
  23. John, get ahold of yourself man! You're angry because you're dealing with the anxiety from perceived abandonment. You've got to accept a situation that you don't have any control over. Go get some therapy if you can't keep your anger from dictating your behaviors (especially if they are affecting other relationships at work or with your family). It takes a lot of strength to ask for help and there's no weakness in doing so. If you choose not to get help and you let your anger and anxiety define who you are, you can choose to go MGTOW if you want to. Know this though, it's kind of like the kid who owns the only ball to play with on the playground and because he doesn't get picked or never scores, he takes the ball and goes home. Guess what ? The kids will continue to play on the playground without him. If you choose to go MGTOW and take yourself out of the sexual marketplace because you think you'll never be successful, guess what? You never will. I think you need to take a break from dating, get some professional counseling and possibly some life coaching with a concentration on dating and relationships. There's no harm in it and if you don't feel like its an investment in your time and yourself due to lack of dividends, then go ahead swear off women, join some MRA groups where you can gripe about the world, the evil that women bring to it and how you never had a chance because the world owed you more than you got. The choice is yours. The harder path will take more and render more value in terms of knowledge, perspective and increased internal emotional strength to you in the long run.
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