MissCanuck

Do you really need to repeat what she likely already knows? I am sure she understands that if she is cheated on you, you would dump her. That's generally a given in most relatiosnhips. Why is this coming up now, after 5 years together? Have you had a recent argument about this or something?

First, put some space between you and this roomate. It's not helping you, and the information she feeds you doesn't change the outcome. Second, understand that it is normal to be dumbfounded when someone turns out to be different than what you hoped. It doesn't mean none of it was real. It means that things changed along the way, to the point where the relationship could not continue. You will need quite a while before you can really process all of this. At least a few more months. Be patient with yourself in the meantime. Trust the healing process. One day, you will be okay.

This is a normal desire, but you would likely not get any straight answers from her anyway. People like her thus will not give you closure. That will come from you, slowly over time, as you accept that this relationship was not what it appeared to be towards the end. I never got any answers from the ex I mentioned a few posts back either - the majority of what I learned was through my own little bits of digging after we had split. But by that point? I was essentially just checking to see if my own suspicions about him had been correct. They were. I stopped caring whether or not he wanted to be honest. I knew he wouldn't be and I lost interest in even finding out. Eventually, you will reach a point where you just want to move on and the "closure" you seek will arise from that.

You won't be ready to date anyone else for good, long while yet. And that's okay. You are going to need plenty of time to process, and heal. 3 weeks out is still the beginning, so be patient with yourself. It hurts. It hurts a lot. You will okay days, and you will have bad days. The key is to trust the process of recovery and trust that time will help you emotionally untangle from all of it. I feel for you, OP. I was betrayed in a long-term relationship, many years ago now. It's disorienting and leaves you with so many questions. But the strength you will realize you have, in moving past it all? There are few greater feelings. Once you're past the worst of it, you will be amazed at how resilient you are and how far you have come.

Because she thinks you are an attractive man, but not a dating candidate for her. They are not one and the same, OP. All you can do is respect that she is not interested in pursuing this, and leave it be.

What I meant is that people prioritize what they want to prioritize. If she's not doing so on her own accord, it's because she just doesn't want to. For whatever reason, her interest level isn't the same as yours.

When you need to essentially tell someone to be more interested in you, you're generally barking up the wrong tree.

Well, societal expectations were also quite different then. Marrying quickly was not necessarily a result of being sure the other was right. I don't doubt there were many true love stories, but the idea of dating several different people before settling down was not really the norm, and being unwed past a certain age carried stigma. Another thing we need to remember is that in past generations, when people married and were unhappy, social pressures often meant that they did not seek divorce. For as many decades-long happy marriages that resulted from these generations, there are likely just as many that were not. Adultery, abuse, neglect...all the same issues were present in those days as well. It was just much harder to leave and go your separate ways. And it was generally not discussed if there were serious problems. Maybe times were simpler on some levels, but that doesn't necessarily mean they were happier. I think many of us tend to romanticize the past when we're unhappy with the present, in some ways. We can be grateful for the options we do have now, which were unavailable to those who may have desperately needed them 60 or 70 years ago.

OP, maybe I missed it somewhere in the thread, but have you had the opportunity to visit her at her home in Ukraine?

I'm really sorry to hear that. That must have been very painful for you to discover. My honest guess is that she had been in communication with someone else for a while there, and went to test things out with him (maybe her married boss?) It didn't work out the way she expected, she thought about coming back crying to you, but is now trying to whoop it up as a "single" woman. Just my hunch. Her behaviour has been terrible, whatever the story is. She is making it clear that your marriage is over.

So you confirmed that she's seeing someone else?

Yeah, exactly. Her expectations suggest she wants out of Ukraine and wants you to support her, OP. She wouldn't be looking for a foreign man otherwise, and prepared to uproot her son from his home and move him across the world. Either way, this is just not a good plan. You need to tell her sooner rather than later that you do not wish to proceed.

It's not surpising if her ultimate goal isn't to enjoy a healthy marriage but rather to find a way out of Ukraine (which I guess is her home country, based on your comment about her son's school exam) She is looking for ways to convince you to go along with her plan. Of course she's sure she wants to get married, because that is the means to an end for her. It's her ticket to a better life.

That's my point, basically. She isn't a trustworthy source.

And who told you this?

Working on anything first requires knowing the truth. Even if it's a very painful truth, you can't work on an unknown. Is there a mental health issue? A substance abuse problem you're not aware of? Another man? You need to ask yourself the hard questions and do your research about what is really going on with her. You might not be able to extract the full story from her, but you're very clearly working with only a fraction of the complete picture.

This is why I would do some digging. I have a feeling there is a lot you don't know here.

Who else lives in this state? I think you need to do some digging. Find out his name. What she has done not only to you but her own children is appalling.

How many 40-somethings do you know who are dating 18-year-olds?

He's a breath of fresh air? He's a teenager, OP. This is just not a good idea. Sure, it's legal but it's not going to become the great love of your life. He's way too young for that. He's also inherently inexperienced. The sex is likely to be awkward, clumsy and not that great. At only 18, he won't know what he is doing yet.

What made you think that was possible with someone who has a track record of dishonesty?

I would dig a little deeper and figure out why it was important to you to hang on to this man. You're right, it was wistful thinking, but it bears exploring why it was ever an appealing option for you to begin with.

Sincere question, but can I ask why? This man has not treated you right. You might want to think about where your boundaries are and what happened to your self-esteem that make you interested in having this person in your life at all. I find it strange that you give him the time of day at all, let alone want him to be your friend.

The basis of friendship is respect. This man has shown you repeatedly that he does not respect you. It's true that he owes you no details of his love life these days, but he disrespected you by cheating to begin with. I can't fathom why you would trust him with your secrets - you know he is not trustworthy. Why do you want a person like this as your "friend"? What do you gain by hanging on to him in any capacity? You are really selling yourself short by having even let this clown back into your life. Respect yourself more and don't keep people like this around.

Why is he worried about this? Meaning, have you said or done something that suggested you were more invested? Do you two talk about the future, or? I am curious what triggered this. If I were you, I would also like to know what he wants to do from here. Yes, his feelings are out in the open now. So, what does that mean for your relationship? Does he want to dial back on contact? See each other less? Not make any plans for future dates for a little while? Perhaps he didn't get that specific, of course, but I would be puzzled as to how he envisions things changing to accommodate his concerns. I ask because we often read here about people whose partners worry that their relationships are moving too quickly, but without any concrete idea of how to rectify that. It's good that he was honest. It's couldn't have been easy to admit he's having doubts. But I would tread cautiously and observe now. Get a sense of whether he really is capable of having a committed relationship at this time, or if prefers to revert to a more casual arrangement. Then, decide for yourself if this is what you want. It sounds to me like he is still processing the end of his marriage and might not be ready for anything very serious for a while.