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Apprentice (3/14)

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  1. Shes not married. She is back home. I ran into her for the first time in years a week ago. It felt like i had a ghost walk right through me. She didnt see me.. But i froze like i actually saw a ghost. Her boyfriend. If theyre even still together. Lives in japan. She wont get to see him for almost another year im guessing. And im pretty sure they have only met once. But this is just speculation... I just need to tell her how i feel. Soon as possible. I want to make sure. I kindly state my feelings. And respectfully accept what she has to say. Good or not. I need to say it. Idk when i will try to make contact with her. I plan to before the year is over. Or sooner.
  2. I have more faith in myself than your expectation. Im never going to fix it by not doing anything about it or pretending im fixed. If i have to be hurt more by this to accept it then i guess ill bring it on myself. If something does come back between us. Idk how it would work but.. I need to establish a feeling for her. Because right now it is flustered. Its ruining my life. Maybe her freaking out on me telling me to get a life might kick it in my head. Maybe telling me she feels the same will lead me to what ive always wanted. If she answers with a mixed signal again.. Then im probably doomed for more years of waiting.. Either way. I did this to myself. I will have to live with the fact that i cant move on. Until this feeling disappears or i find someone who will make me forget about her. Im scared. And i feel like . But i cant ignore these feelings. I cant ignore what i want from life. I cant not work for what i want.
  3. Well. I ended it with my girlfriend. I feel like i have made a big mistake. And i am mad at myself for hurting her. It feels not fair to her. I feel it too. But.. It feels right.. We tried. And we agreed that its not working right now. And that we dont hate eachother. We agreed we do love eachother. Im not going to lie i do love her. I havent ever lied when i said this. But.. I know what im thinking and the way it has made me act is not right. She deserves to find better like i deserve to make my move towards what i think will make me happy.. So i guess this means i chose to either pursue to meet my ex again or atleast tell her my feelings. Or deal with the fact that she is never coming back. Either way. I need to know. Or ill never move on.
  4. I wonder what would happen if i just confronted her. If i would feel a release. Like... An understanding that its over. Or not. I dont know what would happen.. If anything. She has a tendency to never leave me with a straight forward answer. Always middle ground. I always pushed for answers but she could never give them to me. No matter how long i gave her to think. Idk.. I know if i was healthy.. I would not want her. And want my girlfriend. Healthy or not. My mind and body are instantly attracted. Focused. Happy. I never once got angry at her. I always had some anger management issues. But with her it was like my flaws were gone. I felt like i was 100% me. With my gf i catch myself being selfish or angry. I apologize but i feel like i am not as good as i was. As good of a person. I really did feel my best with my ex. Like i would think.. THIS is who I am. With my gf. Im shaky. Edgy. I am still me but not as good.
  5. If you dont mind me asking. What was your situation that was similar ? You can message me it if you want. I just dont know what to do when i look at her and i think about looking at my ex. And i look at her as if i was. Im half faking. The love is real. But it reminds me nonstop about how it feels less than it was with my ex. Maybe there hasnt been enough time. Its hard to reprogram myself to not thonk of her every minute. Some days it drives me crazy. I dont stalk her or look up on her but i always wonder what shes doing and if shes thinking of me too. Like i am her. It makes me think im not done. Im always wanting it to be not over. Im always wondering how she thinks of me.
  6. I recently posted about a long long story about the history with my ex. Please visit my page if you wish to read it. We go back when i was 15(her14) to when i was 18. I am 21. And i have struggled with moving on from that relationship. I tried dating. And everytime it progressed to something physical. I was unable to go through with anything physical. I went on about 10 dates between 18-20. I eventually made a physical advance to another girl after 2 years. And it led nowhere. I met my current girlfriend soon after. We hit it off. Physically. And to my surprise emotionally as well. We have been together majority of the days since. Now not as much. Still often. We have been together for 1.5 years. And i am beginning to realize something. I constantly... Miss my ex. She was to me.. The perfect girl. I cannot forget her. There isnt a moment since i met her that i havent thought of her. Despite our very abrupt break up. It left me scarred. Her hurt. Ibhave tried moving on but... I cant continue leading my gf on. I thought i would get over it. But i am realizing i dont think i will ever not want her over everybody else.
  7. Thank you... My mind has been a whirlpool. I know what this is doing to her. What it would do. I dont know if i could forgive myself. I have literally made myself think everyday that i am fully invested with her. Telling her and everyone around me this. I did this to forget my ex... Its not working.. Im panicking.. I even have assured her that there are no feelings for my ex.. I did/do this because i truly. Honestly believe her love can/should be enough. My love for my girlfriend can/should be enough. Im no longer depressed. But i still think of my ex every minute. Equally if not more than my girlfriend. This is beyond messed up. This is why i need to make a decision because i cant live with hurting her. Now that i realize how serious my problem is.
  8. I know i am.. I do it because i want a healthy relationship with my ex. But.. Theres a list of reasons why i cant do that. I have no reason to leave my girlfriend. Or interfere in her relationship. Honesty to myself. I do want that with her. And this is so wrong. If i leave my girlfriend. I may be leaving one of the only chances i have at happiness. True love. The same goes the other way.. I dont know if i could forgive myself if i did that to her. Im choosing my girlfriend. Because it is the best way. But i cannot stop thinking about my ex. This forum has helped me as much as it can. It made me realize i have a problem. More serious than i thought. But this question cant be truly answered here. I need to do some reflecting. Find out what is truly best course of action. I want to help my problems. But i dont want to deny myself what I truly want in life.. I may not be ready for any relationships right now. I need to figure out what i want and need in life. Because i dont know. The answer may not be what i like. But learn to love. I do t know yet. I do know though...if i contradict myself on e more time about the issue i will start losing it.. too many feelings and thoughts. But thank you for your answer. All the answers everyone. They all helped in some way.
  9. I believe. These are all true. What most of everyone is saying. I dont know if i were to get the chance to take her back if i could or not. I worry that same thing that shes a trigger for unstable emotions. But. I believe if i continue to think about her.. It is a sign of heading down the wrong path. I keep changing my mind. I want her then i want to be happy. Then i dont know if thats good for me. Its hard to think i can be truly happy without her. I would have to always fake some part of it. I can do this if i have to.. But i wonder where ill be in another 4 years. Theyve flown by. I need to invest in my current girlfriend. Because i love her. I believe i have a chance of really moving on with her. We have a healthy relationship. I cant drop that for something potentially unhealthy. Im seriously contradicting myself here. It feels like it but this is the way its registering. Mix matched and confusing. I have a strong feeling that i would be able to create that healthy relationship with my ex. Its what i have always truly wanted. Most of it was because i was scared i would lose her that i went so above and beyond. But now i see the mistakes. So many mistakes. I see the scar on our relationship now. Which is close to nothing. But it doesnt matter. I have my girlfriend. She has her boyfriend. I shouldnt do anything because im not looking to ruin mine. My girlfriends. And my exs relationships. I do like where im at. I just dont know what to do with this desire from inside to want my ex.
  10. I just.. Dont think i will ever love someone like this again.. Its like i dont think.. I know. I am a man of science. I believe in logic. I know you can never truly know something 100 percent. But when i say i know. I mean i dont see how it could ever stop. When i think that. I wonder how i could ever promise someone love when i cant give someone what i gave her. Its like that is the peak of my love. I feel like im going steadily downhill. Like i dont have enough love to give. I guess this is something i will discuss in therapy but. Obsession or love. Either way. I worry that was my max. Like if i tried heroin and now i will always have trouble finding that high in others or something else.
  11. Your comment is very true. Ive always had trouble letting go of these types of things. It feels so recent to me. But i count the years and it is hitting me right now. Honestly. My chest hurts a thinking of it. Still. Ive honestly always kept promises i made to her of how i would never leave. And promises to myself how i would never leave her either. But.. We were kids. I cant keep living like this. I guess im still in the fake it till you make it stage. But maybe it was a bunch of high school. Teenage bs. It wasnt real. I thought it was. It was to me but not to her. Therefore it wasnt real. It has to be on both sides. nd it wasn't. I f-ing hate saying it. Im not even saying. Im writing it. I have a knot in my throat and chest. It is ridiculous i physically am hurting just writing this.. I just need to keep going. I hope this goes away. I hope one day i can look at this and laugh. Not be anxious and sad. I will seek help for this.
  12. I get it. Im sober for over a year. Ive already went through therapy for this. I learned i just need to not give up. Because thats what i was thinking of doing to myself yesterday. Giving in. Some days are harder than others. I get that its unhealthy. Even obsessive. Im not hurting myself. Or hurting others. Doing drugs or anything. This is an internal struggle. Im wiling to go back for therapy to focus more on the leaving behind aspect of it all. Because i do still think about it. Im obsessed with the past. Thats my flaw. I will work on this.
  13. Thank you. I will. I dont know if i can afford to pay for therapy right now. But i am going to call my therapist today. Im not crazy. I just. Still ha ent moved on quite yet. The last things she told me were very... Cliffhanging. I wish she wouldve just told me we were over. She never did. She apologized for everything. I forgave her and she told me to stay in contact. But i havent said anything to her in 2 years. I wanted to everyday but. I am trying to forget her. Ive been worried lately vecause of problems with my girlfriend. I was worried it had to do with me comparing her to my ex. Which i was doing. I can continue going about my life. The pain has lessened since we broke up. I can continue doing this. And work hard to put it behind me for good.
  14. I believe this is very similar to how she probably felt. From hearing your experience. I need to stop putting her on a pedestal. I can think of a 100 bad things i k ow about her or she has done. I choose to look at the good in her. And thats not fair to me or my girlfriend. Too much passion for too young an age. Theres an obvious scar. I need to forget. I remember that day she thanked me for hurting that guy. He was an idiot. And an a ss but. Innocent. She was glad i hurt him after it all. I remember thinking to myself how used i felt. And how messed up that was. Because i couldnt believe i had did that at the time. When o was younger. I had been in alot of fights. Because of bullying or defending myself or a friend. Or just scrapping with my brother. But never to just hurt somebody. I was offended when she said that. But i was so blind at the time. I was just glad she was talking to me. Theres better out there. I shouldnt focus on someone who enjoyed seeing guys suffer for her.
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