My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and it hasn't been the perfect relationship. We had many many ups and downs and I even broke up with him, moved away and quickly realized I had made a huge mistake and was lucky enough that he took me back and I moved back in with him a few months later. After I moved back in, we greatly improved our relationship with regard to communication, respect, intimacy, etc. Our break up really opened up our eyes to what we had done wrong and right and were both commited to making this right and forever. Eventually things slowly went back to the way they were and actually were getting worse. I felt closer and closer to the idea of knowing I want to live a happier life and coming to terms that I may never have that with him if he wasn't ready for it.
Then a bomb was dropped on us. His father unexpectedly passed away and I tried to be there for him and I have huge regrets that for my own stupid selfish reasons, I couldnt feel comfortable with giving him all the support he needed. I was tired because I had been giving and giving and giving and not getting that back in return over the past few months. Oh how I regret this now. He resumed to acting very cold towards me, never being home spending time with me which I longed for. The family spent a week together at his moms house and the next week, my boyfriend went back to his mom's to spend another week with her. While he was there, he decided he could no longer be in a relatio ship. This is now two weeks after his father's passing, whom he had a very close relationship with and really looked up to. Two days after he returned home fron his week away, he broke up with me. He explained that since this happened, he has changed. He is not the same person he used to be. He can't give me what I need and he feels nothing. He will be moving in with his mom to help her out and be there for her. He said he couldn't be with me now or be in any relationship because he is broken and empty and has a huge hole inside him that can't be filled.
My first reaction was understanding and admiration because he is doing something that he needs to do for himself and acknowledge and deal with what he is going through. This can only lead him to more self-awareness which is really great for him and his future. He is a sentive person who feels very very deeply, good and bad. He also has depression and anxiety and this just makes it that much harder for him. My next reaction was an overwhelming feeling of warmth and incredible love for him. I wanted to do everything for him and be his biggest supporter. I wanted to love him and have his love forever. I had forgotten how truly deep my love for him was. We have known each other for nearly 15 years and have always had a deep connection with one another and a secret attraction and love. We have waited so long for the timing between us to be right. The next reaction I had was anger and deep hurt because he has waited so long for us to be together so how can he suddenly let me go so quickly? It makes me feel worthless and like our relationship has meant and means nothing to him. I hear him when he tells me it is more about him than it is about me but it's not something I can truly understand. Since then I have broken down many times. I feel sick to my stomach about it. My heart breaks for him and I hate that he is going through this. I wish I can be there for him and I wish he could lean on me.
Im filled with immense sadness and emptiness knowing I will no longer be a part of his life while truly knowing this man is my soul mate. What also hurts is that yes, his moving to help his mom is admirable, though I dont think his father would want him to leave a girl who cares so deeply about him and loves him and whom he loves. I don't know if I will ever see him again, speak to him again, be with him again, but I do know my heart is always with him. I have never cared so deeply about anyone before him.
This is someone that I do want to have back in my life. I want to be happy with him and I appreciate him doing what he needs to do for himself and I respect that fully. If I feel comfortable to do so while mending a broken heart and trying to move on with my life, I would like to be able to contact him at least here and there to see how he is doing. Is this something I should be doing if he doesn't reach out to me first? If he doesnt contact me, should I contact him? Should I let him be for a few months? Any advice and input would be greatly appreciated. I know the right thing to do is to set love free and if it comes back, it's meant to be. Has anyone who has gone through this been able to rekindle their love even if it's years later? Or even be able to be friends? Thanks for reading.
