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Ksol9

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Everything posted by Ksol9

  1. I had a great weekend. I didn’t want to head back home and apart me felt some fear. It sounds silly, but would I get back and start feeling anxiety and depression again? Those few days after finding out were pretty terrible. Sure enough, I started to feel some discomfort, but I am ok. I have to accept what is happening and continue moving forward. There is no quick way to fix this. this is something I have to go through. I notice I’m questioning myself quite a bit. I’m experiencing a lot of confusion. I spoke to my counselor on the way home. He assured me what I’m experiencing is normal. We were in LC for 6 months. For him to go from him texting me to a new relationship in about 10 days time from our last contact came as a shock. I still wake up feeling like this isn’t really happening. My counselor said everything I’m describing just shows I still have feelings. I think we all could have came to that conclusion. I found myself feeling pretty angry by my confusion. Thinking about the silliest of things. She isn’t anything like me. She’s not attractive. She’s 15 years younger than him. She’s here on a one year work visa. How could he be getting into a serious relationship just like that? He forgot about me just like that? I was thinking about things that are irrelevant. Him, him, him. This isn’t about him anymore. It hasn’t been for 6 months now. I said to myself today that tomorrow is the start of a new week. I’m not going to continue living this way. I made a list of all the things I needed to do for work. I’m going to get back into my exercise routine after a rough week last eeek. My counselor said to incorporate an outdoor activity for at least 20 minutes daily to combat any signs of depression. That’s what I’ll do. I have to get myself out of this. I was doing fine without him until this point. My feelings of confusion, guilt, sadness and regret are just temporary. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m not seeing or thinking clearly. In a few weeks once these emotions subside, I hope to feel better. He will realize someday what he did to me. He will realize how good I was to him. I will never break NC. If I see him around town, I’ll pretend as though I don’t know him. He treated me so terribly and I regret treating him as though we were friends these past few months. Down to the very end, he assumed no responsibility of wrongdoing. That is a flashing indicator that he has not changed and has not done any work. I on the other hand have done work on myself and I continue to try to figure out how to better myself. It is true that this development sent me in direction that I don’t feel very good about myself. The number one question I had was, “could it have been me who was the problem??” Im sure I contributed, but I shouldn’t forget that he did some disgusting things and never made right by them. I will never speak to him again, I’ll never forgive him. Things would have never worked out between us. I’m done wasting time. This is going to be a day by day thing. My priority is to feel better. I don’t know how long this is going to take and I wish someone had an answer for me, but I’ve made it a goal to at least get through this week by focusing on myself. No contact, no Facebook, no hoping. My counselor says I’m at the end. Boy I can’t wait to get this burden out of my mind, heart and life.
  2. Since I’m out of town, I decided to get a haircut. I’ve been trying to grow my hair longer for quite some time. It’s finally to a nice length but desperately needs a trim. I was able to snag an appointment at this nice salon I always pass by downtown. Strange how a nice haircut can make you feel better about yourself. I feel pretty. Unchained, you mentioned that at this point I would have to rely solely on myself. This is one thing I am proud of myself for. I have never really been alone. I realize how detrimental it is for me to work on myself in order to have a shot at a healthy relationship in the future. I’m alone and I’m really embracing it. I’ve come to enjoy it. Rather than jump from guy to guy or relationship to relationship, it is my decision to be alone for a while, heal, and truly get to know myself. The right one will come along in time. What’s more important is that I set myself up for contentment in life. I don’t need a man to make me happy. After my haircut, we went shopping. Dad’s birthday is soon and I also got some Christmas shopping done. I’m keeping busy and distracting myself. I dont know how I would have been feeling if I was at home in my room. For right now, since all of these things just happened, I just need to stay occupied.
  3. There are definitely open wounds still. This you are correct about. Meditation is apart of my daily routine. I’ve been practicing mindfulness for about 6 months now and I credit it for being the reason I live with much less anxiety. My anxiety has been almost non existent up until Thanksgiving. It hasn’t gone out the window, but I have to work a little harder to get back on track after these recent turns. Meditation really does help and I recommend it to everyone. They should really teach this stuff in school.
  4. Unchained I just noticed you posted before my recent post. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I’d like to write more, but will do so when I have done lite time. You said something really important so I’ll hold my thought and explain in detail later. Hope you enjoy the weekend as well.
  5. Went out with friends last night. I had a great time, but there were countless times my mind kept thinking about him and what he was doing. I was so tired. All I kept thinking about was going to bed. It really sucks because there is a huge difference in how I feel...even in how much I think of him. I wish I could go back to before Thanksgiving. I feel like I’ve fallen into some depression. My counselor assures it’s situational, but I fear it resembles a time during previous breakups. I don’t want to be thinking and feeling the way I am at the moment. During my last talk with my counselor, I kept asking him how long I was going to feel this way? He said over and over this was the end. I still don’t think I fully understand why this has effected me so deeply. I hope that it is just a setback and that I’ll feel better as the days go by. As you all have said, right now a lot of my focus is on him and I wish I could say I could control it but I can’t. I don’t want to think of him and I’m guess it will take some time to shift my thoughts again. I feel like this time out I’m taking is going to be very good for me. I feel calm. I don’t have anxiety. I just have pain from knowing this is just over. Over for good. Even taking a break from social media feels good. I’m not watching and reading drama of friends, family and the world. I’m just thinking about myself and what I need to do from here on. It sounds silly but on the top of my list of priorities right now is sleep, which I’m not getting. I sleep a few hours every night and as a result I feel terrible all day. Wish I could skip over all these feelings. Since I left him, I’ve been pretty stable emotionally. I experienced little pain. I can count on one hand the days I shed tears. It’s like I’ve lost control and I feel terrible. I feel like I’m paying for it. For all the times I ignored him or put up a fight. For causing him discomfort. I know that sounds crazy, but I feel guilty when I absolutely shouldn’t. There are times I question myself. Was I wrong? Did I end up being the real loser here? Did I do enough? A lot of negative thinking. I’m taking this one day at a time. I’m relying on my family and friends. I’ve blocked out the things that have been hurting me. I plan to refocus myself on my goals. Christmas is right around the corner. A lot is going on and my hope is that as time goes by and as I progrsss, I’ll let go of this pain and life will go on. It has to. Nothing is constant and things will continue to change.
  6. You both have touched on some points that I think deserve for me to put some extra thought into. When I last spoke with my counselor, I explained that I felt like I was battling some sort of addiction because that is exactly what it feels like. I held on to the outcome of what I wanted so dearly that I lost myself. I fought with everything that I had to stay away. If I wanted to go back so desperately, I think I could have but because I know this man was nothing but toxicity, I didn’t. I think you both noted this is a matter of self confidence and knowing my value and I think that is exactly what this is all about. I have been working very hard to find the reasons behind my reluctance and unwillingness to let go of people who do not have my best interest in mind. After all, if I value myself I would not allow anyone like that near me. When I say I don’t think he’ll contact me or he’s going to sleep with her or he’s starting a new relationship, it’ doesn’t mean I secretly hope for the opposite. I honestly believe that is what is going on. I speak from emotion and maybe because I am on the inside I don’t realize what it actually translates to. I really don’t know if I am using reverse psychology on my thoughts. And if I am, I need to change that. I fight to let go of things I can’t control. I fight to do the right thing because I do want to live an authentic life with people who truly love and care for me. This is not love and I know that. I developed a very unhealthy attachemnet to this man and the minute I entered therapy, my main goal and purpose was to find out WHY so I wouldn’t face the same fate in the future. I don’t want to be with this man. I had plenty of opportunities to take him back. To lower my standards and boundaries. I chose not to even when I wanted to because it meant a temporary fix for my anxiety. I even feel if I was really presented with the opportunity, I’m not sure I’d actually go for it. There were so many opportunities to open further communication with him over the past 6 months. I fought with myself to leave it alone. And still I admit I didn’t let go. Who paid for it? Me. I am still paying for my decisions. I know the key here is to continue working on myself and staying away from what ails me. The shock of this just knocked me on my feet and I felt like I took a huge step back. I remember on many occasions I said to myself, “if he actually meets someone, I don’t think I’d care.” I didn’t realize it would feel like this. I still can’t believe it. That it actually came to this. Feels like I’ve been in a daze for months. I guess what I’m trying to say is my emotions are so involved that I don’t think I think logically at times. Logically he is a piece of s***. “Good men do not behave this way!” That statement is beyond true and I know this. I know this. All I care about is getting through this. It may seem as though I am making it harder on myself and sometimes I wonder if I am. I am out of town for the weekend. My goal is to reset myself, get back into gear, and clear this mindset. Starting Monday my goal is to move forward with courage and strength. I can’t continie to live with this. I need to think deeply about what you both said. Thank you for the site recommendation. I’ll take a look when I get back.
  7. I’ve been through this back and forth thing so many times with him and from what I remember, that’s around the time he came back. Each time with was around the 2-3 month mark. It seems to be pretty common amongst breakups. I don’t think that’s enough time for someone to change. Not by a long shot so I think you are right that your ex has not changed. For me it took about 5-6 months to really see the changes in myself from the work I’ve been doing and still I’ve got a long way to go. It’s a process that can’t be rushed. Just like you, I’m going into silence. I have left him alone since I left and I’ve never initiated contact. When we were in LC, I would definitely say I was feeling him out. If I disnt feel safe or that things would change, I went silent. Finally, around the end of September, I decided I would go into complete NC. I did until thanksgiving. Since finding out about this girl, I went NC immediately and I intend to stay that way. I won’t reach out to him and I’m pretty certain I won’t be hearing from him..not anytime soon at least. I was strong and ok this entire time because he was reaching out to me regularly. I just never felt safe enough to move forward with him because he never reached out in any real way. I am content with my decisions up until this point. I regret nothing. He is no good for me. The wisest thing you can do for yourself is to sit tight. Be patient and do nothing unless he makes a clear upfront effort that he wants to reconcile. Until then, it’s not worth being in LC. I agree that it would hurt so much more. Besides I have nothing to say to him. It’s been 6 months of this and with this potential of a new relationship, I don’t see him ever making contact ever again. I still haven’t gone on Facebook. I want to know nothing. It will hurt me tremendously. Anytime I close my eyes. Anytime my mind falls idle, my thoughts are haunting me. How in the world did things take this turn? I never expected to feel this way.
  8. I feel like all I’ve been doing is running. Just running away. I don’t know anything anymore. I know I’m doing what’s right for me, but why am I in so much pain? I’ve disconnected myself from just about everything that was the source of my anxieties. For 6 months I’ve been reinventing myself. Where am I going wrong? I’m in discomfort. How long am I going to feel like this?? The word hope. When I really sit and think about what that word has done to me all this time. Hope is the reason I held on to my attachment for him. Anything is possible in this world, but when I think about if there is any hope left in my situation, I can honestly say there is none left. I understand the need to remove myself from anything that has to do with him. I’m forcing myself to disconnect. Facebook, Instagram, emails, anyone who knows him, places and roads he frequents, I’m literally making a complete effort to remove him fully from my life. Will it get easier or will it get more difficult? I think I’m asking all these questions because I’m heading in a direction that is uncharted. I have left him before and granted this time is permanent, it’s been the longest, but I have never gone into complete no contact and neither of us had ever been involved with anyone else. We always somehow, someway have held on. Me through social media and waiting for his occasional texts. Him through the same. We have never broken the connection completely regardless of our distance. Now, we have both broken the attachments. We have physically been apart for 6 months and will now go into complete and utter darkness and silence. I’m going to give this a try. I’m not a week woman. I am strong and I will get through this. I can do this. I have to break my addiction and attachment to him. He is doing it, why can’t I? He has moved on, why can’t I? I think the hardest thing about this is the thoughts that enter my mind about him being with someone else. The emotional connection with someone else. That hurt me wayyy more. The massages and happy endings, the condoms...it was purely physical. I have to laugh. I just thought about something my counselor was talking to me about. He explained that this is a pattern, just different circumstances. He said he is so positive that the block and photos were posted intentionally. He knew I was looking at his page. He also believe the message he sent a few weeks prior about wanting to be my hardest goodbye and favorite hello was intended to be mean and hurtful. The funny thing is, I didn’t see it that way at all. My counselor stresses the manipulation. He stresses this is a pattern. He stresses he doesnt trust this man. All without ever meeting him. I don’t see these things. I see literal meaning. The text about the hardest goodbye, I saw it as he thought it was cute to send and that he was thinking of me in a loving way. The pictures and the way he revealed them (the captions)....I figured he was just broadcasting his date. My counselor reminded me that he has about 60 friends, 5 of which he interacts with. One of the 60 friends is someone he knows is giving access to his page to his ex girlfriend. I truthfully figured it was his way of giving me a final f you. I feel he doesn’t like me at all and probably hates me just like he does his other ex’s. He no longer needs me. My counselor asked me why he has not deleted my friend. Especially if he is a person to constantly clean up his friend’s list. He asked why he hasn’t deleted someone he has no connection to. (Im now thinking about these things.) He maintains this was fueled by manipulation. I don’t see it. Not buying it. I think he’s just moving on. As my counselor said, “ of all the things he has done through manipulation to hurt me or to get a reaction, this one was the final betrayal. This one he was successful in. This one really got rid of you.” I agree. Manipulation or no manipulation, this is what it is. He has chosen this path, is moving on, and I have not heard from him since. I’m not going to fight this. I’ve taken the steps I needed to make to finally let go completely. I may have left him 6 months ago, but I never completely let go until yesterday and I think everyone knows that. My hope is that as each day goes by, I’ll feel better. As I feel better I will see that this is working. That cutting him completely out of my life. The hard part is erasing it from my mind. No more bargaining, no more denial, no more hope. Please tell me I’m at the end of this grieving thing. Going to try to go back to sleep.
  9. Thank you. I still haven’t been able to put on the block. I don’t know what’s stopping me. I don’t even think I’ll hear from either. Im trying to put it through my head that it’s more about knowing that I won’t have to wonder if he’ll actually try to contact if the number is blocked. I deleted the contact around the time I left him. His number isn’t saved in my phone. I’ll get there. My thoughts are all over the place. I really need sleep. I can’t believe I’ve only slept 3 hours since Tuesday. Crazy that I’m actually able to stay awake. I think I’m still running on adrenaline from shock. I was able to get out for some lunch and a quick stop at the mall with my mom today. I bought my nephew some cute outfits. I was ok most of the time, but any time my mind flashes on him and what he is doing, my mood changes. I’ve gone this long without seeing him or even hearing his voice...I really have been ok these 6 months. It shouldn’t be any different now. It’s all in my mind. Im optimistic and I acted quickly. I put these things in place by the third day. I really hope I shake this soon.
  10. Thank you bolt, sweetgirl, and unchained. Great to hear from you all. Bolt- I read your post before I got out of bed to get ready for work. I carried your thoughts with me all day. You pretty much summed it up to a tee and through all of the confusion and chaos going on in my mind and in my heart, I realized what you said is exactly the reason why I am going through this right now. Sweetgirl, thank you. You are right. I did have a life before him and I am still a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. This is just how things were meant to be. He is not meant to be in my life. I also agree that I had very legitimate reasons to ignore him and I knew eventually he would move on. I just hoped that he would do what it takes, do internal work just as I did. I hoped he would fight to save our relationship. I didn't want him to come begging, but I wanted it to come from him. I wanted him to show that he was ready for change and that he would do whatever it took to make sure that we both made it. That was wishful thinking. He will never change and he will never be happy until he decides to do work on himself in order to live an authentic life. Until then, he will never have a healthy, happy relationship. That is why I am cutting my losses and moving forward in peace. Unchained-Thank you for your kindness and thank you for continuing to follow my story. I made quite a few commitments today. I sent my counselor a text in the early morning hours knowing he would respond once he got up in the morning. He responded saying he would schedule me for a phone session at 11. I couldn't wait. I desperately needed clarity, a course of action, and reassurance that what I was about to do was the right thing. I found the strength to get through the night. In between my uncontrollable crying and a phone conversation with a close friend, I decided that I needed to make some changes. I evaluated what was the source of my pain. What was triggering my pain. If I don't make changes, I run the risk of spiraling down a very dangerous slope....depression and anxiety. I begged God last night to carry me through whatever it was that he had planned for me. I can't do this alone. My decisions? I decided that social media (especially facebook) was a huge source behind my suffering. Had I not found out about what is going on in his life from facebook, I would not have had these breakdowns. I contacted my friend, I asked her to change her password. I asked her not to tell me about anything that has to do with him. I need to get my head above water. I went into my personal facebook account. I blocked him and then deactivated my account. It will stay deactivated indefinitely. I need to take care of myself and staying away from facebook should help ease alot of my pain. I don't need to see what is going on in his life. I've seen enough and I just want to move on with my life. I even put a block on my phone to prevent me from going onto the site. I would have to go through a number of steps in order to unblock the site. This will give me some time to think things through. I just hope each day things get easier. I have not signed on the entire day. Consistency will be my challenge. This is not going to be a short term effort. I need to stay away from facebook for months or for however long it will take to reach a place of indifference. When I spoke to my counselor, I told him that I was feeling very unstable. I don't feel suicidal or anything like that, but mentally, I'm not ok. I feel like I can't take this pain and I just want to do whatever it takes to make it go away. You are right, contacting him would have been the absolute worst thing to do. My counselor gave me alot of clarity and so did you. I have to agree with all that you said. I did not truly move on in these 6 months. I was indeed waiting for him to reach a point where he would say something along the lines of, "This has to stop...what do we have to do to get through this...what can I do to make things right??" That text never came and I refused to believe that it would never come. We were in communication this entire time. I refused to believe that he was the manipulative, vindictive, dishonest, disloyal man that he has shown himself to be. I was still attached to him. My heart still is. We never really went NC. I don't think he went any longer than 12 days without contacting me in these 6 months. I was still hanging on to hope that time would do it's work and we would find our way back to eachother. I agree that this is a new chapter. My therapist said the exact same words. He has decided to move on with someone new and I have realized this is OVER. This whole thing is completely done with. I have to take care of myself. That is top priority right now. I can't allow all the work I've done these 6 months go to waste. It scares me to think that this part of the process is going to hurt the most. I feel like most of my suffering has been self inflicted. I know this man is not good for me. I know things will never work between us and now that he has found someone new, I am going to close all doors. I've blocked him on facebook, instagram, email. I have not blocked him on my phone. I'm trying to convince myself to do it as we speak. I'll give you the excuse that I don't think I'll hear from him ever again especially now that there is another woman in the picture. On the other hand, I know for my own good, I must block him completely just because of the possibilities that exist. He took her out on 2 dates. I can assume where this is headed, but I truthfully don't know what is going to develop. He could fall off the bed tomorrow, bump his head, and decide to poke at me tomorrow for sheer entertainment. He poked at me for 6 months hoping I would get to the point of desperation, come knocking on his door and fall right in his arms. I've committed myself to healing and REALLY moving on and that means blocking any means of communication. I must be 100% in this time. I can't live like this anymore. He has put me through alot and it's time I get on with my life once and for all. Lastly, my counselor stressed that I need to write/journal. I took it as a sign that I need to stay here at ENA. I need to get out all of my emotions as a part of healing. I'm in a lot of pain. Last week I was happy and all of a sudden this week, things took a drastic turn. I was content and that was because as you said I felt joy in rejecting him because I knew he still wanted me. I feel very guilty for that now. I am the one crying now. This is the third day of no sleep and barely eating. Through hell or high water....I'm getting myself out of this. Thank you for being there. I hope you are well.
  11. Hi everyone. I’m in need of support.... I’ve been having a really rough time. Unexpectedly, I had a major breakdown in the evening. It’s like all the tears I didn’t cry from the time I left him came rushing out. I don’t know what happened. I was so strong. I was doing just fine in moving on. I went on Facebook again after having seen the photos of them out the day before. I noticed I was blocked again. He placed the Facebook block back on after removing it months ago. I instantly knew something was up. I called my friend and explained that he put the block back on and she went on his Facebook to see if there was anything out of the ordinary. He posted a photo of the young girl at a dinner table. They were having dinner and he tagged her in the photo. Again the rush of emotions came flooding. He would never post anything like that unless he was serious about moving on. He knew I’ve always had access to his page using a different profile other than my own..yet he blocked my personal profile. I don’t understand why he blocked me because his timeline is all private but maybe it was just a gesture of him moving on just as someone would delete a contact or text message thread. I found myself on the floor crying. Stifling my cries so no one would hear. How familiar was this? Not a good place to be. I began questioning myself. Had I made the right decision in ignoring him these past few months. How is it that the whole dynamic has reversed? I was strong in the beginning and now I am weak and he is strong. Well that’s how it appears. He has been alone and now his life appears to be taking a turn. He is moving on. I am assuming this dating will turn into a relationship. Either way, this is a done deal with us. I know I’ll never hear from him again. This all sent me spinning and I don’t expect it at all. It wasn’t long before I decided that I don’t want to see anymore developments with them. I asked my friend to no longer update me and I’ve placed a block on my phone so I can’t login. I’d literally have to go through a number of steps to unblock it and I’m hoping that allows me time to rethink my decision anytime I get the urge. I’m just too fragile right now to hurt myself further and I’ve realized that something has to change. I can’t continue like this if I will continue to feel pain. I’d rather not know anything more at this point. I don’t know where things are headed with them, but I’m assuming they will continue to progress. This doesn’t look like a casual date or else he would not have posted it for everyone to see. I did not expect to be so hurt by it. I decided to move on with my life long ago. I think just hearing from him on a regular basis for the last 6 months kept some hope alive. I was always hoping that I’d become stronger and stronger to the point that I’d be ok with however direction things go. I put up boundaries, I started to respect myself and I demanded more from him than his expectations of me just sweeping things under the rug. That eventually lead to him finding someone new. I feel it was the final push for him to move on with his life. And essentially, it is the final push for me as well. I assume I’ll never hear from him again. We will be in strict nc. No Facebook, no texting, nothing. I’m ok with that as I have no choice, but I found myself on the floor and I don’t know why. I think I’m equipped with a lot more tools to get through this, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or that I’m not hurting. I actually began to question if I was maybe wrong about him. Maybe he isn’t as bad as I portrayed him to be? Maybe I’m the real loser here? He’s happy and I’m not. All these negative thoughts. I kept beating myself up. I of course know he did me wrong and did nothing to redeem himself, but I’m just hurting knowing that this completely over for good. We will now enter a phase where we will both be completely out of each other’s lives. I know it’s for the best and I know it’s what we both need, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Just to know he has forgotten about me completely and has moved on is painful. I’m in a lot of pain. Where is the anger when I need it? I have to pull myself up out of this and I have to do it fast. I refuse to find myself stuck in a dark hole like I did before Thru previous break ups. He has made a decision to move on with his life with someone new and I accept that. I let him go in peace 6 months ago. This won’t change that. I don’t rwally know or understand why I’m in so much pain. The feelings feel so raw. Almost like I left him yesterday. This whole story has taken a huge turn and I feel all doors are now closed. My counselor is still out of town and I have not heard from him. I’m blindly navigating this. If I don’t feel better about this throughout the day, I’m going to text him to figure out the course I need to take. Is this a whole new grieving process? What am I experiencing? Will it take long to bounce back? Is this just happening because I am in shock by the news that he has truly moved on? So many thoughts, so many questions. I miss him, but I have to continue to move on. Now more than ever. I wish I knew what I could do to get myself out of this pain. Any suggestions or is this something I have to endure and will pass? I’ve done all I could think of at the moment. I’ve blocked myself from peeking on Facebook. I’ve asked friends to not update me on anything. I’m continuing with self care. I’ll get in contact with my counselor later if I am still feeling terrible. What more can I do? Please tell me I’m just feeling like this because of the new developments in his life and that i will not feel like this for long? Any advice. Crazy how all these feelings came rushing back.
  12. This will probably be one of my final posts in this journal. I feel like this chapter in my life has finally been closed and my story with him has come to an end after some things I saw this evening. I don’t know where to start. I’ve been a little numb the past few hours. I was on the phone with my close friend trying to process my emotions. All this time..these past 6 months since the breakup, I was healing well. I knew I wasn’t 100% healed and I knew this because there was still hope deep down inside. Not to mention our sporadic communication. I knew he wasn’t involved with anyone. I assumed he was just frequenting massage parlors and hookers the entire time. I knew eventually he would find someone new, but I was secretly hoping and praying it would be after I had moved on with someone new or when I was strong enough not to care. I haven’t signed in Facebook nor Instagram in a very long time. I stoped monitoring him and his activities very early on. I’ve just been taking care of me. I get a call from my friend who is friends with him on Facebook and she said she saw a post that he was tagged in. She said he later deleted the post from his timeline but it was still available on the young woman’s page who posted it. I cringed. I tried to tell myself I didn’t care. I did. I went on and looked. I was pretty much blown away and I’m still pretty numb at the moment. He seemingly met a very young girl recently. Her and her friend went out with him yesterday afternoon. She documented it by posting some pics. You can tell by recent comments this was their first meeting. She is in her early 20’s. She just migrated from the Philippines 1 month ago. She is nothing like I’d expect him to date and very different from me or anyone else he has dated. He’s 39 years old and she is much, much younger. They are a very strange match. They are not dating as of yet and they seem to just have been having a friendly hangout with her and another one of her girlfriends, but I am assuming it is going in the direction of them getting together. I instantly went into shock. He just messaged me on thanksgiving. That will be the last I will ever hear from him as this whole thing has taken a different turn. I am not able to go to sleep. I’m just really worried about what the next few days will look like. Through tears, I kept asking my friend over and over if I was going to be ok. I mean I’ve had many months to cope with everything. I knew he was going to get happy endings, I knew there was sexual activity to some extent. Even the social media messages I considered as cheating. This thing has been long over, so finding out that he is getting involved with someone new should not be too difficult to deal with right? I think seeing that solidified that I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. It came sooner than I thought, but this is the end of it all and I’m pretty much wondering what I’m in store for the next few days and weeks. He has never gotten involved with someone new through any of our breakups, so I really don’t know how I will react or what to expect in terms of my emotions. I just really hope that since we have been broken up for 6 months now, that this will may effect me too much. I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with it all. Of course I’m hurt, but reality is settling in. This is happening whether I’m ready or not. The few little pop ups that he was making every couple weeks will most likely stop and I have to understand that it’s completely over, get rid of any remaining hope, and truly move on. I no longer need to hold it in the back of my mind anymore...it’s over. Thank you to all for walking me through those dark days. I feel like I need to shut off any reading, writing, viewing...anything that has to do with him. I just want this nightmare to be over with.
  13. Hey Clarisse, great to hear from you! I think I am going to give this a go. It would be nice to get out and get some fresh air with someone new. It won’t hurt.
  14. Up again at this crazy hour. Can’t seem to go back to sleep. I had a super busy day. My sister is also leaving in a few hours so I was trying to spend as much time with them as possible before they leave. I plan to see them once before Christmas for a few days. Her in laws will be in town for Christmas so we won’t be spending Christmas together. I’ll go see her for a few days prior to their arrival to drop off gifts. Boy will I miss them. This week went by wayyy too fast. I heard from him again. This time the text said...do you not live here anymore? I’m not responding. He doesn’t deserve communication from me. I’m tired of his crap. We haven’t had a decent conversation. I wouldn’t even call texting conversation. I find it hard to believe he doesn’t know I still live in the area. I’m trying not to read too much into it. He finally got a text back from me after me being in silence since the end of September. Maybe he just wanted to spark conversation. My mind was going in all sorts of directions on why he would ask a question like that. Whatever the reason, I found it absurd. How can you love someone but not care to really find out what is going on with them or if they really moved or not? Why? Because you don’t love that person. It’s not important enough to him to really find out or else he would have called or tried to get a hold of me someway, somehow. I left it at that. I gave my number out to a guy for the first time in I don’t know how long. I’ve known him for quite a while. He is home for the holiday and wanted to take me out to catch up. I considered it for a split second and then decided not to reply. He’s really handsome and has always had a thing for me. I don’t now why I hesitate. I guess it’s because I’m in the middle of working on myself and I’m not completely healed. I really don’t know if I’m ready. (Why am I acting like it’s such a big deal?? It’s just to catch up, not to get married.) it won’t hurt to get myself out there. I decided I’m not ready for another relationship just yet. Hurt people, hurt others. While it is not my intention to hurt anyone, I know that I wouldn’t want to get into another relationship until I’m able to give my all. It wouldn’t be fair. My heart is still repairing from this whole thing. Maybe I’ll respond to his text to chat. That’s a start right? I’m replaying what my counselor said over and over in my mind. “Do what brings you the most peace.” I can’t see myself responding to his text. He just wants confirmation of whatever. I still think none of it is important enough to him. That text will go unanswered and I’ll most likely not hear from him. We’ll go into another few weeks of silence and he may or may not pop back in to see if I want to do all the work to get back together. Ideally he’s probably hoping ill get so desperate that I’ll give in. I’ll brush everything under the rug, take all the intiative, and things will go back to the way they were. I really taught him how to treat me. Not a chance in ....you know what. I hate that I feel so empty. I really, truly hate it. I’m sore from working out. I want to sleep the entire weekend. We’ll see how that goes...
  15. By the way, your quote is a great reminder “We say If a man identifies you as a priority, you will know. He will not let you wonder or wander.” Well said.
  16. Woke up in the middle of the night again. Can’t seem to go back to sleep. Realitynut, thank you for your post. I will respond later when I have a bit more time. For now I just need to clear my head of these thoughts. Then going to try to get some sleep before the sun comes up. I heard from him earlier. He wished me a happy thanksgiving. I have not responded to a single text from him since the end of September. I’ve been in complete silence, choosing not to reply because his messages were nonsensical and he never spoke about anything important. Last night I replied. I said thank you and wished him the same. He responded saying thank you and that he appreciated that. That was it. Neither of us continued the conversation. I don’t know how I feel about responding to him and I’m sure there are a mixture of opinions about it. I’m not reading into anymore than what it was. Many will say I should have stayed in NC. If he sends another text trying to reopen communication, I’ll ignore. My counselor was right. This time of year is stirring up a lot of emotions. My thanksgiving was wonderful, but in the back of my mind, he was there. He was at the table last year. He played tennis and team sports with my sister and brother in law last year, he played poker with my family last year. All of which this year he was gone...just gone. Feels like an empty hole. Yet I was very aware that I might have heard from him and I did. I can’t even really pinpoint what I feel. I have a mixture of emotions and I can tell I’m goong to spend a few days processing it. I love my life now. I love how I feel, but this thing with him just gives me no peace. I feel like I’m just letting days go by in hopes to wake up one day and all the pain will disappear. I think I’m just still hurt that he has yet to take a step to have a serious talk with me about everything. I don’t think that serious talk will ever come because he doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to jump right back to the way things used to be. I have too much self worth and boundaries in place to ever take that route again. I just feel sort of helpless right now. There is nothing I can do. I just have to leave things as they are. I will not respond to anymore of his messages if I hear from him again. I might not even hear from him again. Might just be holidays. It seems like prior to October he was texting very frequently (weekly basis). When I stopped responding at the end of September, he would text every couple weeks. I heard from him a couple times in October and a couple times this month. Still no attempt of any “real” communication from him. He has yet to reach out to me in any real kind of way, so I’m going back to nc. This leads me to a conversation I had with a close friend of mine after the text messages. He said to me...what is yours, will always be yours. What is for you, will always be for you. No one can take that away from you. You have no control over this situation, so let it be. My plan is to not beat myself up over this. He hasn’t changed and he hasn’t shown me any sign of change. He has not reached out to me in a way that says he is serious about anything. Still seems to be hoping that I make a move and fix things as usual. I can’t believe that after so many months, he doesn’t want to hear my voice, he doesn’t want to see my face. He really doesn’t care about anyone other than himself. I know he was alone this thanksgiving. He was most likely bored and alone. I have to continue what I’m doing with my life. I am most important. Realitynut, I’m glad my story is offering you some peace and strength. Strength and courage is possible. It’s absolutely possible. It’s hard, but possible. Always put yourself first. Take care. Going to try to get some sleep.
  17. Thank you! I too wonder how she is doing. Last I checked, she hadn’t signed in since July. I hope she is somewhere living and loving life.
  18. Another update... Feels like I haven’t been back in quite a while, but in actuality it has been about a couple weeks. Things have been going pretty good with me. I haven’t been keeping count but it’s been about 6 months since I left him. That time has flown by. So much has changed. I have changed. I feel like my entire lifestyle has taken a 180 turn. It’s a great feeling. Part of me still aches for him, but I try to remind myself that not everyone who enters your life is meant to stay. I’ve said this many times, he came into my life so that I could learn and grow. I am a better woman after what I’ve experienced and each day that passes, I grow stronger and more confident in myself. I heard from him again last week. He sent another text saying, “I want to be your hardest goodbye and your favorite hello.” I rolled my eyes just now just as I did when I got the message. I haven’t responded to any messages from him since the end of September. Sometimes I wonder if he even wonders if I’m actually receiving these text messages. He hasn’t called my phone or anything like that. For all he knows, I haven’t received any messages or I changed my number etc. I take it that he doesn’t care very much at all. He seems to just poke when convenient for him in hopes something will come of it. Ive always been willing to talk (even though I shouldn’t be), but he hasn’t attempted to show any real sign of change or acknowledgement that things need to change. He obviously isn’t interested in talking. As a result, I’m not letting him waste my time. I’m tired of giving more and loving more..more than he ever did. Besides, if him and I were to ever get back together it would never work. I am not the same person. Compatibility would be a major problem as it was before. Also, many of you told me this, there were just things that I needed to learn and it was going to be impossible to do so being in that relationship. I’m still learning and I still think I’ve got a way to go, but I’m content being alone and I don’t think that relationship was ever going to be healthy for me. He did not respect me and he took me for a weak joke. My silence, my transformation, my reinvention..just everything about this process has been sweet revenge for me. He will realize someday what he lost. I don’t hate him and I know someday my anger will subside...I know I wouldn’t have gotten this far in my self discovery if it weren’t for him, so in that regard, I’m thankful for him and the entire experience. What a rough ride! It looks as though my therapy is also coming to an end. My counselor is moving out of state due to some medical issues. He said he would be back, but I have this intuitive feeling he won’t be. Not for a while at least. That has made me anxious and hopeful at the same time. I’m looking forward to navigating this alone. I’ve worked very hard in therapy for countless weeks. I’m in gear and I’m on the right track. It’s up to me to keep up with it. Therapy has done wonders for me and my quality of life. It has almost rid me of anxiety. I guess I look forward to the next few months and how much more stronger I’ll become. I have the option to continue FaceTime sessions if I need, but I really think I want to try this on my own for a while. I think I’m ready. I never wanted to be in therapy long term or lifelong, I was afraid it would become a crutch and for a while that is what it became. It produced great results and now I’m ready to put all that I’ve learned to test. Trusting in myself will be my greatest challenge because my counselor became someone who cheered me on and reaffirmed that my decisions were the right decisions. It will be interesting to see how I thrive without our weekly sessions. Great thing about this is that if at any time I feel uncomfortable, I can always call him for a session. It will be interesting to see how things feel the next few weeks. I suspect things will be a bit challenging for me since it is the first holiday season since the breakup. I recall my counselor warning me to be mindful of that. I also think I’m entering a new stage in my healing. We have been in light contact up until the end of September. I stopped responding and he attempted to contact a few times, but at this point our interaction is non existent. I’m assuming we are in full NC now on both ends. It’s for the best. My sister and her family are in town for the week. It’s great to have them around and they are a great distraction. She’s joining me for Pilates today and tomorrow we are getting massages. She’s joining me in self care, so I am taking full advantage of this. The holidays will be bittersweet for me this year. A lot to reflect on and to look forward to. Wishing you all a wonderful Thanksgiving.
  19. Since you were not able to answer the initial call, I think you should wait to see if he rings again. It is true what they say...if they really want to say something important, nothing will stop them, they will find a way. He may call again and if he doesn’t, then keep the mindset you have now. That it wasn’t meant to be and that you are committed to moving on. I know it’s tempting, but you made a decision to move forward and that by far is a liberating place to finally get to. I’ll cross my fingers and hope that he calls you again. Would love to hear a nice success story. Love always finds a way. I still believe that even after my own heartache. Hang in there and good luck to you.
  20. I don’t know what it is, but I wake up at 5:30 am every day religiously. Not because I have somewhere to be or something to do. It’s terrible because I don’t go back to sleep very easily. I had a great weekend. I spent it with childhood friends I haven’t seen in over 10 years. She was my best friend growing up, but moved out of state with her then bf (now husband). We spent the night dancing, laughing, talking, and just enjoying life. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was free and alive. Our reunion was long overdue. It was a clear reminder that life about loyal relationships, true and genuine love from family and friends. My circle is small these days and I’m very much in control of who I allow close to me. Close friends and family. I have no room for toxic relationships and that’s just what all these recent things happening in my life has taught me..that he was very toxic to me. Ughhh. I never heard from him again since that last text a few weeks ago. It appears he realized things weren’t going to go anywhere....and they really weren’t. To date I’ve gained, 11 lbs in these 6 months. I feel fabulous. I look fabulous. I feel healthy. In fact, my lifestyle is healthy. It’s not just a feeling...I AM. I’m trying to keep myself in the momentum of motivating myself daily. I still have some things I’d like to accomplish. Going to try to go back to sleep.
  21. Just wanted to share a great article I read this morning: Great little reminders for me this morning. Have a great week!
  22. Came down with some sort of virus this weekend. It mirrors allergies and I was taking allergy meds until I realized it wasn’t working. I did a simple search online and it looks like it’s a virus that looks just like allergies. I’ve been feeling just yucky for the past 2 days. Mom and Dad went to visit my sister for the weekend, so I’ve been home barely getting out of bed. Although, I am enjoying the alone time. They come back later today. Unchained, thank you for writing. After this last breakup, it wasn’t long before I decided I needed to change my life and I believe since that time, I am not exactly the same person. I’ve learned a lot and I do believe that was the purpose of that relationship. I realize that in order to change, I have to let go fully as well as close those doors. Aside from the intracasies of what happened, I think it all came down to me coming to terms with the fact that I may never get an adult conversation with him. He has been holding out on the hope that I will just become so tired and frustrated that I just return like I did all the other times and I think he will hold on to that idea. He has always had that “my way or the highway” kind of attitude. My fear of losing him is no longer greater than what is ahead of me. In my eyes, he has already lost me. I think I’ll always have a special place for him and should he ever decide to grow up and speak with me candidly and directly, I’d be willing. I always was, but I get the feeling when that does happen it will be too late. For right now, this is the life he has chosen and has ultimately manifested for himself. He sent his children back to their mother (which I wholeheartedly believe was the best decision), he dedicated himself 110% to his work, he wants to be alone and not in a committed relationship. All of these decisions and actions preceding our breakup show that is what he was working toward. The social media messages to other women, the late night visits to massage parlors all play a role in that. And we all know, when you put energy, thought, hard work and determination into what you want your life to be...it will become that. You will become those things. This is what he wants for his life and if he is happy with that then who am I to judge. I’ve said this before, I am responsible for myself and I am in full control of my life. I had to remove myself from his atmosphere because it was toxic to me. Keeping myself there was what was destroying. My wants and his wants no longer coincided. Im still sad about it at times, but i’ll live and I will love again. We each have our own circumstances that prevent us from living our lives to the fullest. Whether it be health related, lack of life experience, issues from our past, whatever...we all have to find some sort of happy medium. We can’t have it all, just have to find what works best for us and our circumstances. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and I was taught to believe there is someone out here for each of us. A match for everyone. From all that I’ve been through recently, you can’t find that match until you find yourself. I don’t know what is going to happen in the next few months or even in a year from now. It scary at times when I think about it, but I’ve accomplished too much to turn back now. Just have to keep going. Just have to keep fighting the demons that hold me back. It’s hard to let go of the past, past hurts, past scars, past lovers, past memories, but it’s absolutely necessary in order to move to the next chapter of your life. Have a wonderful Sunday.
  23. I’m feeling a bit better this morning. I got a good night’s rest. Unchained said something that coincides with something I discussed in therapy and that is gratefulness. There ARE others who have it much worse. As I wake up this morning, I need to remind myself that there are far worse things going on. There are far more important things than stressing myself over a man who doesn’t have the courage to face me like an adult. He’d rather poke and sit back waiting for me reach a breaking point. There are far more people and things I need to value in my life. People who waste no time in showing me how much they value and care. We talk a lot on gratefulness in therapy. You don’t need to be happy to be grateful. You need to be grateful in order to be in happiness. A lot of work to do today. Wishing everyone a great day!
  24. Wanted to share another link before I sign off... Have a great night!
  25. Hi Unchained. You're a beautiful writer. I'm so sorry that you are having these difficulties. The one thing that came to mind, as I was reading, was how relentless you are. You are not giving up on yourself and that is admirable. You mentioned that you have an excellent psychiatrist and a new combination of medicine. I wish you the very best on your journey and as always, I have faith in you. Thank you for continuing to follow my story and checking in when you can. For some reason, the past couple days have been challenging for me. When I last wrote, I was doing ok, but then that same night something happened with him. I don't think I mentioned this here...not sure if you remember when he blocked me on facebook earlier this year when we got back together. He refused to unblock me when I voiced my concerns. I was blocked until a little over a week ago. I received one final text from him asking if I wanted nothing to do with him. I never answered and then sometime that same day or the following day he unblocked me because I saw a post he tagged a mutual friend in. I haven't heard a word from him since that last text a couple weeks ago, but on Sunday night, he apparently went on my page and shared a video of the children and I that I posted back in 2015. I woke up Monday morning with a notification that he shared my video. I'm assuming he was looking for a reaction. I still have not heard from him, but what really bothers me is that to this very day, he has yet to talk to me directly. The problem between us has not disappeared. Isn't it extremely strange that he has not tried to talk to me about any of it..only through text? All these pokes...it's like he is expecting me to come to him to talk or initiate something. It has been months and months of little pokes, texts and silliness. I am just over it all and that is why I never responded to him. I have not responded to a single text in about a month. I find his behavior really immature. He is a coward. I force myself every single day to drill it in my mind that I have to move on. I'm tired of his crap and that is why I haven't responded to a single text in a month. There are times where I miss him, where I want to talk to him, but I just can't find it in myself to go down that route with him. I'm making so many changes on myself. I don't feel the same...I don't even look the same. My entire lifestyle has been reinvented. I am healthy. This was not important enough for him to save or else he would have made it a priority to pick up the phone to make a call or get in his truck to speak with me directly. Because of his recent actions, it is even more of a reason for me to just turn my head and continue on. Thank you in advance for reading. I'm feeling a bit frustrated, angry, and upset today. Going to workout for a bit and then go to bed. Be well Unchained. I'm rooting for you! All the best!
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