bm2016

My Dear, I want this to be the last time to talk about you or us; us, as if we ever existed. We met 2 years ago, you were not free but I fell in love with you at once. I also felt immediately that I shouldn't have to, but still, this is life. I knew I would be hurt, more than ever before in 30 years. But we did not stop. At first I was only one of your many affairs, longer-shorter ones, affairs that touched you and got to your heart, affairs that didn't, you were using these women for something, but you never stepped out of your relationship. You're still with her. You made me believe, even told me, that I will be the one that you can leave her for. Now you deny it, even deny that you said you loved me at all. Almost 2 years have gone by with me waiting day and night for you to love me back, that you never managed to do. Recently you ended it by saying that 'if it would have been love (with me), I would have been able to leave' and 'I hope that one day I will meet somebody as my partner for life....'. You can't imagine what these words mean to me coming from you. You ruined me. But I could cope with that, I could get through this. However, the worst part is that we work together, closely, and you pretend now as if never ever anything happened between us, let alone that 'love' - or what word you use for it. This phase, a lover gone by again, is behind your back now, I can see that in your eyes. There is nothing in your eyes that show that we meant more to each other apart from valuable human relationship. And it kills me. I was also that stupid and moved here a year ago, literally 30 meters from the apartment that you share with your wife. No need to say what it means to me, walking the very same steps you walk every day and take the same bus your wife takes going to work. For you, it was very convenient, coming to me every single day when you felt like that, spending time with me until dawn - but never woke up next to me, beside me, in my bed. There were times when I felt that you really really want to want this for us, this feeling, this relationship but I also felt that you cannot do that. Something didn't let you and this is OK. It is life, you cannot force yourself. I just want you to be really happy. Want you to find the person you're looking for, to see you happy, really happy one day. With somebody who loves you as much as I do today. I will get through this, I will cope with xanax and yoga and anything that helps me to heal, but I want you to see happy. Nothing else matters at this time. When I see your face in the office, talking to me, handing me papers, asking for my opinion, I just die a little every single day. But this is me, my stupidity to have gone into this and I do not want to imply it anymore, talk about it anymore, I want to set you free of being forced of thinking about anything concerning us. I'll try my best to accept and move on. I just want to let you know that....there is nobody in my heart. Who is not you. I can't find any simpler way to put it. Find your peace, my love.