ShySoul

I don't think you are overthinking. I think you're being very reasonable and level headed. You weren't having luck in the romance department, but you didn't give up on it. You turned to porn to scratch an itch, as many people do, but didn't go overboard. You dropped it when it you felt it had lost it's usefulness. You found someone you connect with and are excited, but are still being careful and cautious. You're doing things just fine from what I can see. You got this.

9 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I guess I was questioning if what I'm doing is normal by cutting out these things as I meet someone who I've connected with so well.

Does it matter if it's normal? If it feels right for you, then do it. You're not harming anyone and you seem happier for it.

12 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Then she can just it's embarrassing or it's too personal to talk about instead of just saying "it's nothing" And we don't know what results will be if he suggests time apart or whatever he chooses. He can just let this sit like this forever...if she can't have an honest conversation with her BF then what is the point of this relationship. It's not fair to him either as it is not fair to her.

Really it all depends on the kind of person she is, which is why none of us can give any kind of definitive answer. I know when I want to avoid a topic it's easy to just give a quick dismissal with "it's nothing." Even admitting to it being personal is opening myself up to questions. I might start to wonder if the other person is thinking anything about me. I know I'm not the only way that feels that way, so maybe she does. Which is why I think the best thing anyone can do for a person is to make sure they know you are there and will be supportive. Put the person at ease so they are ready to talk.

Or really, maybe she is being honest and it is nothing, at least to her. Maybe it's a simple matter of being tired or stressed and not having the energy or interest at this time. A person could easily just see that as the normal flow of life, not a sign of a major relationship problem. He might disagree, which would mean a difference of opinion but not any kind of dishonesty on either part.

Phillip, you know her best. So look at who she is, how your relationship is, and what has been going on in both of your lives. See if you can find a reasonable explanation, or if you really think something deeper is going on. If you do, then have an honest, heartfelt, and non-judgemental conversation. Don't approach it as an ultimatum, with a clear choice of one way or the other. Work together and be flexible, as couples should, to find what works for both of you.

I heard something on this recently. People are apparently becoming so fustrated with the datng app culture they are turning back to older ideas and concepts, including speed dating.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2024/03/06/speed-dating-apps/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2024/04/03/speed-dating-is-making-a-comeback-is-gen-z-done-with-dating-apps/73187068007/

Everything old will eventually be new again. Guess that means I'll someday go from being the out of touch old-guy to the trendsetter ahead of the curve and all I have to do is not change a thing. Right? 🤪

No, I wouldn't.

I prefer the opposite approach. Meeting a whole bunch of people at one time and only getting to have brief, probably superficial conversations doesn't seem like a good way of finding a potential person to become my perfect partner. I believe in getting to know someone naturally, meeting them in the course of everyday life and becoming friends first. If something develops from there, all the better.

Really, I'm not a fan of the standard dating concept anyway. So speed dating would not be for me.

But if you want to, it's all up to you. Do what makes you happy.

You have every right to feel you used. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. When a person you thought was close to you ignores you, it is upsetting. You were there for her when no one else was. For her to not keep in contact must feel like a betrayal of that bond you thought you had.

Do you want to try to keep the friendship? If so, you should talk about it with her. It might be something completely innocent. She might not realize how her actions have impacted you. Real friends are willing to have the difficult conversations and the friendship can come out stronger for it. Even if things don't work out, you''ll still be able to say you tried. Personally, I think a friendship is something worth fighting for. And if it's a fine minute walk, don't wait for her, just walk over there yourself.

If you are okay with not maintaining the friendship, realize that it's not on you. Don't blame yourself. Also, don't hold onto any anger or upset feelings. It's okay to feel sad or hurt, but know that there are other people you can have friendships with you won't forget about you. You seem like a caring person who anyone would be lucky to be friends with.

Don't just block them, stay off social media all together. Get out and find other activites and things to keep you busy. Stay so busy you don't have time to think of them. School, work, volunteering... whatever you need to do to focus on your life. You need to be happy with yourself first, need to focus on where you are going and the things you want to do. He's a distraction that would help you in the long run. So do whatever you have to do remove him from your life.

On 4/16/2024 at 3:13 PM, Randomthoughts said:

But it all fails as soon as I see something related to them.  I'm scared that, that's all I'll be doing. Just losing all progress that I've made.

We all fail. We all take steps backwards at time. That's okay. It doesn't mean you've lost all progress though. Just take two steps forward for every one back. Keep pushing through day by day, little by little. You have the strength inside you. You can do it. 

Keep the faith.

You are exclusive if you are only seeing each other, excluding others from the possibility of a date. Holding hands, pet names, kisses, are no guarantee of that. 

Short responses likewise don't indicate anything one way or another. When someone says I love you the typical response is something short like I love you too. The more important thing is if he is initiating those comments and compliments. Is he taking the time to tell and show you his feelings?

So many people get caught up in a game of hinting or giving signs. It allows them to avoid uncomfortable conversations or the fear of rejection. But it can't give you the answer you seek or the peace of mind that comes with actually knowing for sure. The only way to deal with a problem is to confront it. So why not just ask? You can drive yourself crazy wondering, or you can be proactive and talk about it. Worse case you find out he isn't invested and you won't waste your time on something that isn't going to work out. It may hurt for awhile, but you will know and will be able to process and move on. Best case you formally commit and can leave behind the doubts as you fully enjoy and embrace the relationship.

23 hours ago, blue_night said:

Another example, he has once witnessed someone jumping from a bridge to his death a few years back. When I asked him "how did that make you feel?" He told me "I felt nothing, just kept walking"

Here is your red flag. As much as I love animals and don't want to see them hurt, this was a human being. He saw a person die in front of him and felt nothing? If he has that little regard for the well being of others, how could you ever expect him to care about what happens to you? It doesn't even have to be him doing anything to you. What if you had serious health problems and ended up in a hospital? Would he shrug it off and say "I feel nothing?"

20 hours ago, blue_night said:

I feel like there are more reasons to end it than reasons to stay. How should I go about this and cause him the least pain in the process?

Honesty is the best policy. Tell him his anger and lack of empathy is not something you are comfortable with. You wish him well, but you don't think this is the right match for either of you. Stand your ground and don't let him try to convince you otherwise or get angry and turn it around on you. 

As for causing him pain, theres a good chance he won't feel it. He seems to not feel so much, at least when the pain is happeneing to others. Hmm... maybe him feeling a little pain might actually do him some good.

Why the assumption she is keeping anything from you at all? Just because a person has a lowered sex drive or doesn't want to do a specific act, doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship. 

Has anything changed in her life recently? Has she experienced some kind of drama or been stressed? Is she going through any physical issues? Any of these things may be making her less interested in sex. Sex is just as emotional and mental as it is physical. If she is distracted by something in her life, it can make it diffficult to get in the mood and enjoy the things you used to. 

Best thing to do is provide a loving, supportive environment for her. When she's ready to talk, she will. And it may even help put her at ease so that she can start feeling more interested in that again.

On 4/19/2024 at 7:21 AM, smackie9 said:

No, she just needs to be truthful to him. If she can't be open and honest then why be in a relationship. Ultimatum meaning that they may need time apart for her to rethink things about what's happening. He can ask reasonably...don't need to blow this out of proportion. 

We have no idea what, if anything, is going on with her. For all we know it could be something embarrassing that she is simply self conscious about and afraid to say out loud. Or it could be something painful that is difficult to speak about. An ultimatum of "talk about it or we have to take time apart" wouldn't be helpful and could even push her away. 

12 hours ago, Username02 said:

I said I would stay in touch and wanted to let you know why I haven’t.  When we saw each other, I got scared when you were going to leave me in a crowded bar and let to walk to my car alone- that’s the main reason I offered to give you a ride to your car. 
I would have been fine on my own- but felt abandoned by you at the same time.
Still no hard feelings- it just became clear that we really are only friends.”

You are being way more polite then I would be if it was writing this. I would say something along the lines of how staring at other women while talking to one you supposedly want to see is disrespectful and rude. I would point out that leaving a women alone in a sketchy neighborhood is ungentlemanly, even if the women could handle it. Basically I'd want to send him a message that even if you have no hard feelings, he still needs to shape up.

I don't think anything you said is needy, unless it's in the sense of something you feel you need to say. But really, it's all up to you how you want to handle things.

10 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

Probably because she put doubts in my head by accusing me of misogyny on the grounds that the disrespectful behaviour involved female members of her family and as such, I was supposedly dictating to women how they should behave in society.

They have defended an abuser and child molester, and yet you are the misogynist disrespecting women? It's always fascinating the level of hyprocrisy and projection that those kinds of people are capable of. 

11 hours ago, AndyPandy said:

she said that it constituted "cancel culture" for her to tell her family that they should stop their behaviour as people should have the right to do as they please without fear of censorship.

Were they also complaining about people forcing them to be "woke?" The second someone starts angerly using those phrases that's probably a good signal to run to the nearest exit and not look back.

You made the right call, all the way. Remember, these people will have to live with themselves and all the problems they cause. They have to constantly face the internalized hatred and anger they are projecting. They are the ones who are messed up. You get to walk away and have a better life without the crazy drama. You win.

No explanation is needed or required.

However, saying something shouldn't be about him, it's about you. What does your gut say is the right thing for you to do? Do you want to tell him? Would it make you feel better to call out his actions? Would it provide a sense of closure? Or would you be happier just forgetting him and letting things lie where they stand? Do what you want and what you feel is best for you.

49 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

I'm a human being, that I don't deserve this treatment and pointed out that there's a pattern of her family disrespecting me

If you ever question if you did the right thing, just read what you wrote there.

There is a certain basic level of respect and deceny that a person should be treated with. They couldn't do that. You were right in removing yourself from the situation and are better off without them. Sadly, there are still people who judge others based on the most superficial of things and will act in reprehensible ways towards them. They are the real losers. 

Better people are out there. Surround yourself with them and ignore the negative people.

The reaction to animated violence may simply be a case of drastically different tastes. When you think about even classic cartoons like Bugs Bunny, there is all kinds of violent things happening. Modern movies/shows/cartoons/etc. have grown more graphic. It's possible some people are desensitised to the violence or just have a higher threshold for what they can stand.

For what it's worth, I'm in agreement with you. I find excessive violence or gore disturbing. There's nothing funny about it. My roommate is even more highly sensitive, so we stay away from that content. You are not odd for feeling as you do.

The larger issue is his reaction. The mature thing for him to do would be to realize that this was making you uncomfortable and that you can't handle certain things that he can. He should have apoligized, made sure you were okay, and agreed to watch something else. There are all kinds of animes and other things you can watch together. He can watch this one on his own. 

Instead he overreacts and says he can't watch anything with you? He blames you and makes out like you are the one with a problem. 

I always say to look for the trend. This isn't the first time his temper has concerned you. You say you don't see it getting better. So is this the kind of person you want to be around? Does this person share the same values you do? He may have many great qualities, but is this something you want to risk living with? 

Personally, I don't think I could. And I hope you don't either.

Hey Mike. 

You've been well prepared with all the potential pitfalls and dangers. You know to be cautious and talk things over. From the sound of things both of you aren't going into this blind and are willing to work through things and see how it goes. So I'll throw in something a little different:

Have fun. 

You aren't planning the rest of your life. You aren't talking about running off to Vegas and buying a pair of rings. So relax and enjoy the time together. Yes, it's important to have certain talks. Yes, you don't want to get swept up in a fantasy. But don't overthink things or try to decide everything at once. The point of the trip is to meet in person and be together. Odds are the person you've been speaking with is the same person you will meet. If you've connected online, odds are you will connect in person. So have fun together. Remember, she's probably just as nervous as you and has all the same thoughts and questions. Relax and take it easy. Focus on enjoying yourselves and you'll probably have a great time.

My brother met his wife playing games online. She lived in another state when they first meet. Shortly after she moved to be near him. That was over 20 years ago and things are good last that I heard. So things can work out. Probably best not to get your hopes up just yet, but it's not impossible and your fine to be excited by this experience.

Just don't get engaged after a month and married a month later. That didn't work out so well for someone I knew. But I don't think you were planning that. 😉

Porn is a fantasy world centered around the physical. When you actually have someone you emotionally connect with, you see what you were really missing. The porn suddenly seems so hollow and empty in comparison. At least, I would hope that would be the natural train of thought.

Good luck with the relationship. I hope the two of you are happy together.

Sometimes saying your feelings isn't about getting the answer you want, its about clearing the air and getting things off your chest. Of course you would rather hear they like you as well and you can have the happy ever after. But often it doesn't work out.

I wouldn't view it as a rejection, rather him not having the same feelings. He, as most people would, tried to take the easy way out without hurting your feelings. You gave him an opening in saying he didn't need to respond, so he took it. Doesn't mean he is a bad guy or that he doesn't care about you at all, just not up to the level of interest you have in him. There may be an awkward stage where you are both adjusting to this getting out in the open, but there is no reason you can't still be friends if you like. If he is the nice guy you've said, he'll still be nice to you. 

7 hours ago, Bora said:

But this time...I really think I can get over him

That's why saying what you are feeling is a good thing. Before there was the lingering doubt. You weren't sure. Now you can say you took your shot and know how it turned out. I still kick myself for not confessing feelings when I was younger. You won't have that regret. You'll see that it wasn't as bad as you might have imagined and find that you can survive. And next time, it might be a little easier.

Having crushes can be exciting and scary all at once. Be proud of yourself. You went on the rollercoaster and came out ok on the end. Eventually there will come a guy who feels just as strongly for you.

No, what I'm saying is that our attitude determines what we get out of the world. Perception shapes reality.

At one point I was just as fustrated as you. I was a little older then you and had zero success in finding someone I could relate to or who was interested in me. I allowed myself to be filled with regret and lonliness. I blamed myself for not being able to speak up more when I did like someone. I cursed myself for being different. And at times I wondered why none of the women I was around could just take a moment to appreciate all the things I had to offer. 

You know where that got me? Bitter and alone. And even if there was someone who would have liked me, my attitude would have turned them off. In seeing the world in a dark way, in not believing something was possible, I shut the door on myself.

Then a wise woman told me I was a good, caring person and told me to believe in myself. She said to not worry about it and be happy just being me. She said that eventually someone would come along who would appreciate everything I could offer. I listened to her advice and stopped trying. I didn't try to find anyone or make that my priority. I learned to just be happy on my own and embrace my full self. Not long after that, things turned around and girls noticed me. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. The only things I've ever really wanted in my life are: 1. To help people. 2. To find someone who loves and understands me and who I can spend my life with. But love finds you in its own time, when it wants to. When you put so much focus on it that it makes you miserable, then you aren't doing yourself any favors. Your bringing suffering upon youself that you don't need to. Just because you don't have someone now, doesn't mean you are doomed forever. But the angrier you become, the more you close yourself off from the chance of anything good happening. I just don't want to see you imprison yourself in that lonliness.

You're right women don't need dating apps. For that matter, men don't need dating apps. No one really needs them. There are all kinds of ways to meet people. If that way isn't working for you, don't do it.

Dating apps are run by corporations. A corporations number one objective is to make profit, not to find you the love of your life. And if you do find that love, then you don't need their service and they can't profit off of you anymore. Can you meet someone that way? Sure. But it's not the companies goal. They want to dangle that elusive carrot just out of reach while giving you the hope that you'll reach it. They want you to increase your odds with premium services. And they want you to constantly be ready with another option so you don't put to much stock in any one person.

Dating and finding someone is not easy for a person of any gender. Do you think it's easy for women to deal with men who are misogynistic? Do you think they all love knowing there will be men objectfying them based solely on how they look or the outfit they wear? Do you think they are happy that guys will call them entitled or claim they have it easy without knowing anything they might have gone through? And there are men who are just as superficial as the girls you say you have met. There are male "influencers" and there are men who just want to find a way to "score" with another girl. 

At this point, maybe it is best to just not look for a relationship at all? Maybe embrace being single and the advantages that come with it? Dating shouldn't make you upset or bitter. It should be a fun experience. If you aren't having fun, don't do it. Live your own life and do things that are fun and make you happy. At the end of the day, we have to live with and be happy with ourselves. A relationship is a nice addition, but it is us that will ultimately give us the most fulfillment.

It is honerable and noble that you care for your family to the degree you seem to. However, the problem with being the reliable one that everyone turns to is that they will always turn to you. You have unfortunately been saddled with people who would rather complain about things and depend on you then take the steps they need to do care for themselves. It's not your fault. They are the ones who refuse to take care of themseles. You are not responsible for them or their actions. And you have ever right to be fustrated with them. The only thing you are guilty of is having a big heart and wanting to help your family.

At this point, your mother would be better off on her own, away from your sister. That arrangement has long been passed the expiration point and you can't be the one to  always resolve things. Your sister is an adult who should be able to take care of herself or live with the consequences of her decisions. 

Does your mother get social security? My mother is in her late 60s and relatives just helped her to find a senior living center that was income based and thus cheaper. Perhaps there is something similar in the area? It might also be good for her to be around people her age, people she is more likely to relate to and who probably won't come with all the issues and baggage your sister seems to carry.

When I was around your age I had never had a serious relationship. I wasn't social and had all of two people I thought of us a friend. My family background was a bit of a mess. And my examples of male guidance weren't exactly the best role models. I could maybe learn a few good things if I looked hard enough, but generally they taught me what not to do. I too struggled with feeling worthy at times.

What helped me was realizing I didn't a need a role model or guidance. I didn't need therapy or a professional to help me. I didn't even need a romantic relationship. I needed to be me. Everything I needed was within me and had been within me all along. Just as it is within you. I stopped thinking I had to be a certain way or have these experiences that I saw others having. I focused on being who I was and doing what I enjoyed. I stuck to being my real authentic self. I embraced my natural skills and found happiness in living my life as I wanted to, on my own. This caused me to have more confidence in myself as I was doing things that made me feel good about myself and my life. I was focused on being positive and not dwelling on all the negative.

Having that confidence lead me speaking out more on the things I believed in. It lead me to helping others. And it lead to multiple women noticing me. They became interested in me for the person I was. And I didn't get there by following anyone's example. All I needed to do was fully embrace being me and let my light shine. 

To often people get so focused on needing to fix themselves or trying to act the way they are supposed to act. Don't do that. You aren't broke and don't need to be fixed. You are you, the person who have always been and are suppose to be. So be proud of that. Be proud of who you are. Life your life the way you want to, the way that makes you happy. Once you do, the rest will take care of itself.

If these are your feelings, then they are your feelings. I don't think people are wrong for feeling hurt or upset. Each person handles things in a different way, a way that is right for them. Each person has their own way of processing and working through their emotions. So don't feel bad for the way you feel.

You called this person a best friend. When you use that label to describe someone, it comes with certain hopes and expectations. To lose that friendship or to watch it drift away awakens a lot of conflicting emotions inside you. Their is confusion over what happened. Their is hurt and a sense of abandoment over them not wanting to keep in touch. This is the feeling that you might have done something wrong or be to blame. There might be anger at them for not trying like you feel you have. I felt all of that when my best friend stopped responding to me. So it's okay if you feel that way.

Then you add on the extra layer of your family. For them to spend time with this person is like a betrayal from all parties. That's especially true if they knew how much you were hurting. No one wants to feel left out. And here are the people who are supposed to be closest to you, leaving you out. Again, it's okay to feel sad and hurt.

If it is bothering you, then I believe it's always best to talk it out. It's not healthy to keep your feelings in. For your own sake, have an honest talk about it. Express your feelings. Sometimes just getting it out there helps to clear the air and relieve you of the stress and burden these emotions have on you and can weigh you down. I would keep in mind that it's probably not intentional. People generally don't do things like this to specifically hurt a person. Usually it's born out of ignorance. They are probably just focused on how they have a good time together and don't realize what it's doing to you.

In the meantime, focus less on those who aren't around, and more on the ones who are. Your fiance, baby, and sister seem to care a lot about you. So let their love be your strength.

Staying together "for the kids" is generally just as damaging as not being together. Take that from someone who's parents argued and had problems for years. I don't think it was a coincidence that the summer after my first year of college was when they decided to get a divorce. My mother stayed long enough to see her last son into adulthood and start to spread his wings, then decided she couldn't stay in a marriage she wasn't happy in. But I could always tell neither of my parents were really happy. I heard the fights. I could sense their moods and feelings. Even if you think you are being careful to shield them, children are perceptive and can pick up on things. If they weren't able to fix the problems, I would have much preferred my parents to split long before they did. It could have saved everyone years of anger, fustration, and heartache.

What to do will ultimately be a personal decision based upon what would do the most good for the majority of the family. Based on what you've said, I would lean to moving near her parents. Keeping with the children being the highest priority, it would provide a better educational opportunity for them. As you said, it may do your wife some good to have the love and support of family near by. It could help relieve her of some stress and may give the two of you a chance to start over and really work on things. But even if you can't salvage the marriage, having those other things will still be beneficial in the long term. 

Foreverblue, do what you have to do to heal and take care of yourself. Go at the pace that you are comfortable with. Know that it's a journey, not a lightswitch. Feelings don't just disappear and can't be turned off at a moments notice. Just don't lose sight of what's important, taking care of yourself. If need be, remind yourself of how he wasn't ready for the kind of relationship you wanted. Know that better guys are out there. Explore your new area. Find ways to have fun. I believe you won't be blue forever, that you'll find a way to be happy.

If you want to have game, stick to video games and board games. 

Forget what any website, article, book, or person will tell you. You know who you are and you know the person you want to be. Be that person. The right person will understand who you are and appreciate you for it.