goddess

I am am very sorry for your loss. I feel that SooSad gave you some very sound advice. Focus on yourself right now and try to process this heartbreaking loss. Don't compound your grief by dealing with your girlfriend right now.

^^^ I agree with this. Sometimes, we interpret things in a different way. You thought it was strange that your husband didn't mention it. He probably didn't see it as a big deal and simply didn't mentioned it, or completely forgot about it. Perhaps he will mention it, if he thinks about it. If it continues to haunt you, you may want to casually mention it.

Don't for one minute think that many men don't look at porn, or naked women wherever. It would have been nice if he had been in a place where you didn't have the opportunity to walk in and see him doing that. I understand how you feel. I often wonder if the roles were reversed. Would men get upset at their respective woman looked at naked men? I guess it's a personal preference. But, if I had to guess, i think they would. If it bothers you that much, then leave him. However, if you feel like you have a good relationship, then perhaps, with time, you won't feel as hurt as you do now. But do remember that he will continue to look at naked woman, guaranteed. It's the nature of the beast.

Sounds like you have some serious issues and no moral compass.

Good point, catfeeder, but at this point in my life, I prefer being alone. I have no interest in new friendships. Perhaps one day, my thinking will change. I suppose I am still processing my divorce. I have a wonderful hobby. I am a colourist and I design cards for 3 artists, and I totally enjoy it. It keeps me busy and it's relaxing. One of my sons lives 1/2 hr away and I visit with him every week. I am so grateful for that. Thank you for your feedback. xx

You said "I actually agree that maybe this woman didn't consider you an actual close friend and that's also why she wasn't really interested to keep in touch with you." That makes a lot of sense. We moved here in 2004 so either of us knew anyone. I didn't work but, obviously, he made friends with many of his co-workers and we became close to a number of them. We would invite them to our house, and vice versa. I didn't feel the need for more friends. All my other friends live about 5 hours' drive away, so getting together is not feasible, especially with the pandemic. It truly doesn't bother me too much having no friends here. At this point in my life, I prefer being alone. Perhaps one day, my thinking will change. I suppose I am still processing my divorce. One of my sons lives 1/2 hr away and I visit with him every week. I am so grateful for that. Thank you, Tinydance, for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

You are so kind, DancingFool. I did feel so bad that she didn't want to continue our friendship but, as you mentioned, he probably painted me black. He oftentimes made it a point to tear me down in order to build himself up, so it's very possible he did that. Just the way he is. I have written her off, trust me. Thank you for your response. Hope you are well. Sending you big hugs. xx

aww, thanks, Wiseman. I was under the mistaken impression that she was a true friend. Not the end of the world! LOL I am doing quite well, all things considered. I did throw myself some pity parties at the beginning but I'm pretty much over that now. There are days when it stings but not many. Thank you for asking. Hope you are well, too.

Yes, that's very possible. He might have done that. It was my mistake to regard her as a true friend. Now I know better. Live and learn, as they say.

Well said, Rose! Her husband and the ex worked together for a year after the divorce. He moved to another city, got a new job. As you mentioned, that certainly revealed that she is not a true friend. I did/do respect her choice. I DM'd her a couple of times in 2018, and on Christmas 2019 and 2020. I will definitely not DM her anymore. Clearly, she doesn't want my friendship.

That's the problem: I was close to this woman. That's why It bothered me when she didn't want to continue being friends. Perhaps it was too awkward for her to get together after the divorce. I certainly didn't expect her to take sides. But, it is what it is. No big loss. If she were a true friend, she would have acted differently. Thanks for your feedback, Kwothe.

I guess people make their own choices, some of which are rather hurtful. Sorry you went through that. Thank you for your response. I do appreciate it, Batya.

Thanks for your reply, bluecastle. The topic came up a few days ago while visiting my son and he thought I was too passive. I disagreed. I do regard her as a former friend now. Too bad, because we had some great times together. Such is life!

Yes, I did let it go. I was just wondering, that's all. Just so you know, however, her husband and my ex did work together but the ex moved to another city about one year after the divorce. Thank you for your response, Seraphim.

Hi all. Some of you know me but I'll give you some background. I've been divorced (not my choice) for 3.5 years now after a 29 year marriage. As a married couple, we had a nice network of friends. These friends were from his place of employment. Some of us would get together pretty often; we would invite some of these couples to our home for drinks/dinner, and vice versa. When I got divorced, these friends turned their backs to me. I did/do understand why they behaved this way. My theory is that they were uncomfortable because of the divorce, especially since their respective spouses worked with my ex. I did reach out to 2 of these female friends via Facebook DM. I really wanted to continue a friendship with one of these women. That said, I wrote a DM to her stating that I assumed she heard about the divorce. She replied that she had. Now, my kids are adults but her kids were still in grade school. I didn't want to pressure her or make her feel uncomfortable so I told her that I'd like to get together with her at some point. I added that, since her kids were still in school, had lots of activities, etc, she should let me know when it would be convenient for her. I waited and waited but no response. I DM'd her again at Christmastime, wishing her and her family a Merry Christmas, etc. Again, I suggested that we get together. No answer. A second Christmas went by so I DM'd her again, her wishing her a Merry Christmas, etc. Again, no answer. Clearly, she wants nothing to do with me. I'm OK with it now and I don't care at this point. So, my question is, do you think I should have actually suggested a particular day in which to meet for lunch, or was I too passive? I would appreciate your input. Thank you!

Leave her alone, dude. She married, happily or not. Besides, she may hit you with a sexual harassment charge one day if you get involved with her. Again, married or not. Be professional in the workplace and don't encourage her.

I totally agree with SosSad. We tend to hold on to the good memories and conveniently forget the bad. Personally, I would not do this: "...just re-reading our old texts or thinking about him whenever I see something funny that he would have laughed to..." It serves no purpose whatsoever, other than to upset you and stress you out. It hinders healing and you don't want that. What you are feeling is normal but do your best to move on. Time will help you to move on.

"But now.. It seems every time I walk into the room now, he closes out whatever or whoever he’s talking to." ^^^ Plain and simple, he is clearly hiding something. He is being disrespectful and sneaky. No and, ifs or buts.

I like what Wiseman said: It's best to be friendly and professional at work. You don't want to be subject of office gossip. As much as you have a crush on him, it's best to date outside of work. That said, if his behaviour isn't considered flirting, I don't know what is! LOL If it turns out to be more than flirting and he asks you out at some point, please make sure that you are discreet. And, think of the possibility that, if you do go out with him and it doesn't turn out well, it would feel awkward/uncomfortable for you at work. But, if it does, well, I rest my case! Hope it works out for you whichever way it turns out.

I really feel for you, Cleo. That's not a good way to live, for sure. I know you realise that his accusations are very stressful and unfair, to say the least. It seems that he does care/love you but in his own way which, IMHO, is not really acceptable or fair to you. I can identify with what you are feeling because I was in a tainted marriage. I, like you, put up with his disrespectful and emotional abuse for many years (29 to be exact). I put up with it because he had a rough childhood (he felt that his parents always put him on the back burner and focused more on themselves). My situation was embarrassing because, even though I knew it, people were very aware of his unjust behaviour, and quite a few voiced their opinions. Long story short, HE actually blindsided me and asked for a divorce. My world fell apart but I can honestly say that nowadays I feel relief and happiness. Were there good times? Yes. Do I miss him. At times. It's been a bit over 3 years but I can guarantee you that you will feel better if you let go of your relationship. Don't let the 10 years that you invested in this relationship keep you from doing what needs to be done, unless you want to continue living your life in misery. Of course, there's always another option, if he's open to it. Therapy. We tried it but it only worked for a while. I hope you will resolve this situation so that you can achieve true happiness. Sending you a virtual hug.

"I constantly feel like *** whenever i see anyone else because i know that they have friends and relationships and i'm just here alone (i'm happy that they have that, but it makes me hate myself more)". ^^^ I agree with what the other posters suggested but I'd like to add one more thing. I know it's very hard to do but, please, do NOT compare yourself to other people. Not a good idea, and that just leads to more depression/sadness. Instead, try to focus on what you do have such as the ability to learn to drive (which will certainly give you more independence), looking and feeling better by going to the gym, working. I'm not trying to lessen your feelings but, like I mentioned, don't focus on the negative. It's counter productive and that will keep you in a dark place.

Don't be a doormat. Muster up some self respect and forget her

I am really sorry you are hurting so much. I experienced the same feelings when my 29 year marriage died. I cried so much. Many times, I couldn't even make it to the supermarket because I just broke down and had to go back home. I could barely function. The despair that I felt was overwhelming. But, slowly and surely, I began to recover and got out of my dark place. What I can tell you is that what you are feeling is normal but, unfortunately, there is no magic cure. No pill to ease the pain. Give yourself time; that is the key, wheninrome. Take baby steps. Know that you are not alone. You need to go through a grieving process. You will pull through; you'll see.

OP said "The last thing she said to me was she wants a divorce..." That is a very hurtful thing to say, especially 1. in front of the children (even though they seem OK with it) and 2. during a major holiday. Obviously, I don't have specific details, but OP seems devastated by her actions. It seems to be that OP didn't deserve such harsh treatment.

I am so very sorry to hear this, especially at this time of year. Are you aware of any signs that your marriage was in trouble? As Batya suggested, perhaps you should find a place to volunteer to get your mind off your situation, and you'd be helping not only yourself but others as well. I imagine that would lift your spirits to some degree. Do you have any family that you can be with?