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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. On and off again relationships aren't meant to be. One or both parties don't value the relationship enough to stay and work things out in every way possible versus running for the hills. When you care, you never leave unless there is a deal breaker. When there is a deal breaker, you should leave even if you care. Go no contact so you can choose a better prospect.
  2. He cares more about the ego boost and excitement or whatever he gets from communicating with an ex, than caring about compromising the relationship with you, and how it makes you feel. When you only have one precious life on this planet, why settle for a partner like this? You deserve better.
  3. She's not exclusive with you so she isn't doing anything wrong. If you want to be exclusive with her, ask her.
  4. It's an extreme red flag when guys are talking about being in a relationship with you and talking about love, etc. when you haven't even had one date with them yet. You're wasting a lot of time being pen pals with inappropriate fantasies. How about getting off the computer and getting into the real world where you can meet a potential bf? Join a gym or a co-ed sports team. Look at meetups.com and see what activity groups are available in your age range. If you don't feel good about yourself, you will attract the bottom of the barrel integrity-wise. Predators can sense a weak victim very easily. Work on your self esteem before getting back into dating. Read some articles or books on how to do that. As far as multiple dating or singular dating, it's all about what you're comfortable with. As for me, if it gets to the point that I would be so into a guy that we started kissing, I'd rather stick with one and see where it leads. If a guy is nothing but talk and doesn't ask you out within 2 weeks, don't waste anymore time on him. And stick to meeting in public for safety. Good luck.
  5. Wow. I thought this was a far newer relationship. It would be really boring and irritating for me if my partner's every conversation or text involved sex. I prefer a well rounded person who talks about a variety of things, and it takes the specialness out of flirty, sexy texts when they aren't used sparingly. And basically when normal life is full of stress, who need a gf who regularly makes jabs at you? She's supposed to be the safe, loving haven you get comfort from after a hard day's work. Is her libido higher than yours? If so, couples who have different libidos have frustrating relationships, as one person is left wanting and one person feels pressured. I'd have one more serious discussion with her on exactly what you want. No more jabs and to save sexy conversations for times when you're not at work. The request is reasonable. If she cares, she will change for the better. If she doesn't change, she doesn't care. I don't believe in breaks or space. It does nothing to solve a problem. Either work together to make things right, or break up if she's not willing to make the effort, because she is so toxic that you're trying to run away to breathe some fresh air. Take care and let us know how it goes.
  6. After the second chance was blown, that should've been it for you. If you'll only be happy with a man if he makes a major change, then he's the wrong person for you, because as you see, HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE to your liking. The point of dating is to see who is right for you and who isn't. Women are nurturing souls who hope and pray and give numerous changes. A smart woman cuts off a man as soon as she sees a man doesn't meet her needs, and communication hasn't made things right. Time to cut out of this sickening situation so you can have a chance to be with an emotionally together man after you've mourned this dying relationship.
  7. I've never taken back an ex. You can't open the front door to new, better possibilities when you have your foot stuck in the back door. The past should stay in the past for extremely good reasons. Delete, block, heal, be single for when the right one comes along.
  8. "noticed he's a bit socially awkward, his body language is odd/weird..." You don't really know him. I'd be careful of your safety and if your gut is telling you "no," I 'd listen to it. Anyway, when he gets a real gf, you'd get put on the back burner, and you'd probably do the same to him if you got a bf. You're already frustrated with his lack of work ethics and poor eating habits. After the newness of the "friendship" wears off, those traits will seem even more annoying to you. If it were me, I'd make a quick exit with an explanation that no further communication is the route I'm going to take.
  9. Sorry, guy. You took a shot and it didn't pan out. She's was single during and since your discussion. If she was into you, she would've jumped at the chance and doesn't need another request from you. She would've approached you herself. I think since you have a major crush on her and regularly hang out with her, that it will prevent you from feeling emotionally free to attract and get a real live girlfriend. She put you on the back burner when she reconnected with her ex and she'll do the same thing when she gets another bf. I'd let this friendship fade a bit and start thinking of her as just a buddy. Believe me, when you get a gf and she sees you with this crush, she will see exactly how you feel about your "friend," and it will ruin what you have with a potential new partner. These intense opposite sex friendships usually go by the wayside once people finish college and get into serious relationships, since many couples aren't too keen on their spouse/partner hanging out one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex. The recent events with your friend is probably signaling some changes need to be made in your life. It's not in the direction you wanted, but one day you'll find out why it wasn't meant to be when you meet that one girl who is crazy about you, and you won't be left wondering. Good luck.
  10. It's really common for someone who has dumped you to be in contact again at some point. The guy often wants a FWB situation with a woman who was crazy about him, without putting in the effort of an exclusive relationship. It's true that history often repeats. If he so easily dumped you once, when the honeymoon period was wearing thin, then he most likely would do it again in the same pattern. The right man will never leave you--not even once. He will treat you special to make sure you stay in his life. Time to delete all means of communication with him. He's not worthy of one more moment of your thoughts. Your romantic fate lies elsewhere.
  11. "I'm the male and I don't want one. My fiancé says she doesn't want one either but her sister thinks it's a neccesary thing. She claims she will turn the stripper away or leave if one shows up but my fiancé hates confrontation" After reading this, I would suggest that the both of you have a sit down discussion with the sister. Ask your fiance, in her sister's presence, what kind of party she'd like. Tell the sister that it's about your fiance, not her, and that she's stressing you both out about her idea of a stripper.
  12. I don't think it's a healthy way to begin a marriage. I wouldn't want another half-naked woman writhing on my husband, even if it's for only one wild night and it's tradition. I trust him, but just because of tradition, to me it's sleazy and if it's not appropriate on any other day, why make exceptions? And when I expect certain behavior from my husband, I don't engage in it myself. Is your fiance a strong woman who makes sure things are done her way in important situations like this, or is she a people pleaser who lacks a spine? You need to know, going into a marriage, that your potential wife will seriously take into consideration your feelings on important matters. Have another discussion with her that on a scale of 1 to 10, what your feelings on this matter rates. If it's high and her feelings aren't high on the opposing side, she should agree to your wishes. On the other hand, if they go behind her back and hire a stripper, I'm assuming you will trust her to handle the situation in the best way possible, since you've chosen to marry her. People see attractive people while out and about on a daily basis at work, at the grocery store, etc. It's not like a faithful person will be tempted to stray when that happens. If you don't have faith in her, you shouldn't be marrying her.
  13. Regressing a relationship versus progressing it is not the way to heal your emotionally disconnected marriage. If he's not willing to attend marriage counseling with you, I wouldn't agree to being roommates. If he was unfulfilled in other parts of his life, he could still work on those areas with the loving presence of a spouse. This is an excuse. He is fading away versus taking the big leap of divorce. He's a coward and isn't being honest with you about what's really going on. I'd engage your power. If your needs aren't being met and he's not willing to make efforts to meet them, he doesn't care and it's up to you to pull the plug. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
  14. Once you tell someone to stop a behavior, whether it be words or touching, it is harassment. He doesn't care that you are making him uncomfortable, so you shouldn't care when you make him uncomfortable by giving him a warning. I wouldn't shout it, but I'd tell him clearly and firmly, "I'm telling you one time, and one time only. Never touch me and never ask me out again. If you do, I'll have to report you to management." You won't be any more uncomfortable after this encounter than you are now, dealing with his harassment. He may have friends in the office, but I'd guess there would be at least one decent person amongst them who would tell the truth if spoken to one-on-one with management. I've dealt with similar situations at work but fortunately it never came to having to report them, since the discussions with them worked. Trying to be humorous and friendly about them stopping didn't work for me. I had to take the second step by being firm with one, and downright mean with another one. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Good luck.
  15. Why do you want him talking about the ex gf? He summarized what happened, which is how it should be. They grew apart. I wouldn't question how he feels. He obviously has a crush on you, otherwise, he wouldn't continue dating you. Speaking of future plans means nothing. Many guys do this. With the whatsapp, you can either say to him, "I'd like it if you initiated it once in a while." Either that, or don't say anything and see if he steps up to the plate if you don't. Before you have sex, or at any time you care to know, you have every right to question what his dating goals are. I'd say: So how do you like to date? Are you into short term casual dating, or are you dating to see if there is long term potential? You could also ask if he likes to date one woman at a time, or if he multi-dates. Listen to his answer and see if it's the same goal/style as yours. If it isn't, end it. If it is, take your time and see how it goes. Everything's a risk. As long as there are no red flags, the risk is worth it.
  16. I agree with abitbroken about getting signals from a woman that she would likely say yes if you asked her out. Perhaps you're not very good seeing the signals, or lack of them, and if not, it's something you can learn to recognize. A woman might try to touch your arm for emphasis when talking to you. She might laugh a lot, being happy just to be around you. She might ask you if you've seen a particular movie yet, and then she'll say she hasn't seen it either, but would like to. She might compliment you. Ask your friends to be frank with you and let you know if you're doing anything off-putting which might prevent someone accepting a date with you. Maybe you're doing everything perfectly but haven't yet met the woman who shares chemistry with you. It's human to be upset if you're not someone's cup of tea, but it doesn't mean another woman wouldn't jump at the chance to date you. You might try meetups.com or a college club so you can get to know women more gradually, to give you both time to gauge each other's interest. Good luck.
  17. You can't get in someone else's head so stop trying. You took a risk and it didn't pan out. Sometimes when you don't get what you want in life, you find out later it was for the best. You give her power by thinking endlessly about what she did and why. She's no longer your concern. Move on.
  18. Make a pros and cons list of keeping your present job versus taking the job offer. I don't understand why you'd burn the business relationship. A person with a healthy mentality will realize each person needs to do what's best for themselves. They can be disappointed, but if they had a tantrum and cut you from their business life, so be it. You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
  19. What exactly does she do with her leisure time in the city? Does she go out to bars several times a week with friends? Why would living with you prevent her from traveling? Does she still plan on working abroad? 30 minutes is nothing as far as travel time goes, if you want to go to art museums, or trendy restaurants. Why is that 7 weeks so important to her? From what you've written, she's monogamous with you, but hasn't changed her behavior by evolving into a normal couplehood. It sounds like everything she desires doesn't involve you. Usually a strong couple speaks of what travel they will do together in the future. They have a group of friends to hang out with, or another couple. They speak of future plans of where to live and if they will have children or not. What was her response of you wanting an engagement in the next few years and having children in about 4 years? Of course a person should spend some time without a partner, with friends and hobbies, but that needs to be a healthy balance. It sounds like she's seeking more time away from you than what is normal. Is there a possibility she's not as in love with you as you think, but is too cowardly to break up? What would happen if you let her take the lead in communication and how often to get together when she's apart from you for 7 weeks? Why don't you try that to see how much effort she puts in? If it's very little, maybe you have to admit how incompatible you are with relationship goals. It doesn't sound like she meets your major needs, despite the love you have for her. What does she do to make you feel special? Does she call to tell you she misses you when you're apart? Does she buy things at the store you are running short on? Does she care for you when you're sick? Does she put great thought into your birthday/Christmas gifts? Does she compliment you? Or are you the only glue holding a fragile package together? Yes, after this long of a time together, you do need to question if you should stay together or end things. After five years together, if she can't commit to getting engaged in two years, I'd call it quits.
  20. So he knew that after 4 months, you would then be able to regularly see each other. Sorry, but if he isn't willing to temporarily do long distance for what is really a pretty brief amount of time in the span of things, then he doesn't love you, and doesn't think you're worth the wait. Sorry for the tough love, but he doesn't feel like you do, because you were willing to do long distance and he isn't. In my experience, it would usually take me about 4 months to get over the worst mourning period of a relationship after no contact. You will eventually heal and move on. And no, I wouldn't even consider a future with someone who was willing to let me go in this sort of situation. I wouldn't contact him after I arrived in Spain, and in fact would never contact him again. I'd hold out for someone who is crazy about me. I know how difficult it is to let someone go who is fun, sexy, etc. I had to do it once as soon as I saw he didn't meet my major needs. Take care.
  21. Can you give a few examples of what you said or did to upset her? If a counselor would advise her to leave, do you own any fault in this, and is there some self-improvement you could be doing to avoid losing a great girl in the future?
  22. If you really loved her, you two could have attended couples counseling to learn the skills you both need for a healthy relationship. Now that that hasn't happened, and the bad outweighed the good, it's time to go no contact for both of your sakes. She might find that cruel, but it's really the best thing for her so she can move on.
  23. You don't love the long distance bf. If you did, you wouldn't be kissing someone else, so do the bf a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who truly loves him. Since you are risking your heart on someone who lacked compassion when your life was at its worst, it shows you haven't taken the time solo to work on your self worth. He's changed? You can't know this when you're in the honeymoon period. If you stay with him, it will have to go beyond the 4-6 month mark, when the highs of the reunited relationship wears off. The fact that he says it's fine that you have bf and will understand when you need to be with the guy when he visits is a clearcut message that he doesn't care about you. He's simply enjoying sex with a woman who will accept breadcrumbs and puts blinders on about past history predicting future behavior. Be alone and read books and articles on improving your self worth. Your man-picker will improve when you are leading a fulfilling life solo, without needing a man. When you're ready, you will want to share that joy with a man, and if he's not meeting your needs, you will be able to cut him from your life since he's not worthy of you, in order to be single when the right one comes along.
  24. [ATTACH=CONFIG]11316[/ATTACH] When you allow toxic dysfunction in your life, it's because that's what you subconsciously think you deserve. Worry about fixing yourself, because it's you who needs the work on boosting your self esteem. There are cute, sexy, fun women out there who aren't carrying around stinky baggage. You'll have a higher rate of success in a relationship with one of them.
  25. I've learned with life experience that once something has happened to start an argument, once the argument is over, you don't bring the incident up ever again. There is no point to that except to create drama and make the other person keep paying for a past, supposed crime or bad behavior. It's a good thing to discuss boundaries and rules in your relationship like this. My husband and I have discussed all the rules we think are important, including not calling each other names while arguing. If I were you and thought he was worth salvaging the relationship for, I'd tell him your rules. I'd also give him an ultimatum. Otherwise, if you let him get away with bringing up something from your past one more time and you continue on with him, he will know this is not a deal breaker and you will continue on with him. I'd say: "You chose to be with me knowing what happened. I will not stay in this relationship being berated for something I did one time. I'm a faithful, wonderful girlfriend and I will be treated like gold by you, or I won't be a part of your life anymore. If you bring up that incident one more time, we're through." You teach people how to treat you. If you're a doormat, people will step all over you. If you tell them that you will walk away if you're grossly mistreated and stick by it, they will lose the pleasure of your company. You don't leave just because of minor arguments and people do have flaws. You have to know the difference between minor flaws and major flaws. His behavior is unacceptable. If he changes, he cares. If he doesn't, walk away.
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