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Everything posted by Andrina

  1. I'd probably tell her that enjoying each others company locally is great, but now that you think of it, you two probably won't make good traveling buddies, and because of that, you don't want the friendship to be messed up if you get irritated with each others differences while traveling. Practice all the responses you'll have in answering any possible questions she has. Whatever you do, don't back down. Life's too short to be stressing for 9 months about a trip you don't want to take with her. I don't see any problem with mentioning the drinking differences, just as long as you're not judgmental about it. I'd say something like: "Now that I've got a boyfriend, I'm no longer heavy into the drinking/party scene and that's boring to me now. You'd have more fun with someone who's into the same fun stuff you like, and my gut's telling me to pass on this trip together." Good luck.
  2. Since you're not exclusive, it's hard to expect a minimum amount of time you'll spend together, but if what it's been is now regressing, it's not a good sign for longevity. He was not right to discuss what you two have with your friend instead of you. When a person is sober, a drunk person can be a turn-off, which could be the reason he wasn't into hugging you while you were in that state. Sounds like you want exclusivity and he's not wanting that. When you have two different goals, and your needs aren't being met, it's never going to work. Hold out for someone who wants what you want. If it's a guy with longterm potential, you might want to hold off on being intimate until you're sure a guy really wants to get to know you, and not just get into your pants. I'm not saying that's what this guy was doing, but whatever his intent, he's not into you enough to want you all to himself. Move on.
  3. He wants a child too, but he's justified in wanting to purchase a home first. The choice of having a baby can never be one sided. The team has to make the decision jointly. It might make you feel better to keep your options open as far as having a family. As an example, you can think of how many years you would try before seeking treatment, how long you would try while on treatment, and if that didn't work, consider adopting a child. There are many children in foster care who need good homes.
  4. How not to be clingy? Always have an independent, fun life BESIDES having a boyfriend. Have a hobby or interest you participate in. Hang out with girlfriends. Take classes to benefit your career. Not only will this make you a more interesting person who isn't relying on one person for all your social needs, but it will also make you stronger if a break up should happen. You need to change your mind set. The only control you have is to choose a bf as wisely as possible, and to be a great gf. Other than that, the cards will fall where they may and you will be able to handle whatever happens. Don't bring weighty baggage into a new relationship. He isn't any of your exes. The relationship hasn't regressed, which is a good thing. It's probably a good thing how things are going, since often new couples burn so brightly at the beginning that they end up imploding with all of that intensity and too much togetherness. Obviously, he's just not that into texting or he would get in trouble at work for being on the phone too much. Just know that your needs matter too. If you're missing him during the week and ask him out for a third date, then ask. Is he the one who always asks to meet up? By now, you should be making some of the effort and paying for the date as well. I don't know if he's been doing all the asking and doing all the paying. If that's the case, he probably can't afford more than twice a week. And if every date doesn't end in being intimate, you can be assured he really wants to get to know you better and it's a good sign he's hoping for a longterm thing with you if everything continues to go well. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  5. I will add to keeping the discussions about children and finances. Keeping hopes up about reconciliation will prevent you from emotionally moving on. Did he refuse marriage counseling (I don't know if you suggested it) when he mentioned divorce? It would seem a person who truly loved you would pull out all the stops and try marriage counseling before calling it quits. If you mentioned it and he refused, why would you want to reconcile? If counseling was never mentioned and you want to get back together, why not ask now? If he wasn't or isn't willing to try counseling, it means he doesn't care enough and you shouldn't put yourself on hold for someone who doesn't value you enough to put that effort in. Realizing its the total end will get you through the normal steps of mourning and then healing. Years down the road you might meet a guy who is a better fit for you and then realize why what happened was probably for the best. Take care.
  6. I'm sorry for your loss. As for your other family members, just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to continue to let them be a part of your life if they are toxic to you.
  7. In my experience, guys like this like the ego boost that you have a crush on them and they will flirt with you, but he won't ask you out and will retreat if you're giving signs you want it to progress to dating. He's just not that into you. There will be a guy who wants you to be your genuine self and will want you showing your interest. He will ask you out on a date and will be thrilled when you say yes. Hold out for him. You're the treasure and people have to treat you special to be allowed space in your life. Never forget that or you will be attracting the wrong sort of man who can sense emotionally weak prey from a mile away.
  8. I'm assuming you got together very young, in your early teens. I'm just going to guess that she was sowing the wild oats she never got to sow normally, since she's been only with you. The brain doesn't fully mature until age 25, so it could be she made that unethical decision while drunk and perhaps with her friends cheering her on. It's not an excuse, I'm just guessing at the cause of this one-time event. Once an issue is brought up, complete the discussion and move on. You obviously kept dragging up the past over and over. How oppressive and toxic. The truth is out. Either you can deal with it or you can't. Does 16 years of good times and faithfulness, with the exception of one day, count for anything or does the one day in her life she messed up overrule all that, and does it warrant the end? Only you can decide. If you decide to stay, continue with counseling, since you probably won't be able to move on successfully without a counselor guiding you.
  9. Basically cowards act like this. I did a lot of online dating when I was single. I always let a guy know that the chemistry was missing for me when I no longer wanted to date him. It's not fun communicating this, but it's the right thing to do. She's not as strong or caring as she appeared to you. Sounds like you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you're someone's cup of tea and sometimes you're not. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or how you behaved. And if a woman is psychologically messed up, possibly lacking in self esteem, she will likely, subconsciously, be attracted to dysfunctional guys, not together guys like yourself. It takes dating a boatload of people to find a good prospect. I had to go on dates with about 30 men before I found my husband. The process was frustrating, but in the end, all my efforts paid off. Good luck.
  10. Regressing a relationship versus progressing it is not the way to heal your emotionally disconnected marriage. If he's not willing to attend marriage counseling with you, I wouldn't agree to being roommates. If he was unfulfilled in other parts of his life, he could still work on those areas with the loving presence of a spouse. This is an excuse. He is fading away versus taking the big leap of divorce. He's a coward and isn't being honest with you about what's really going on. I'd engage your power. If your needs aren't being met and he's not willing to make efforts to meet them, he doesn't care and it's up to you to pull the plug. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
  11. Make a pros and cons list of keeping your present job versus taking the job offer. I don't understand why you'd burn the business relationship. A person with a healthy mentality will realize each person needs to do what's best for themselves. They can be disappointed, but if they had a tantrum and cut you from their business life, so be it. You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
  12. So he knew that after 4 months, you would then be able to regularly see each other. Sorry, but if he isn't willing to temporarily do long distance for what is really a pretty brief amount of time in the span of things, then he doesn't love you, and doesn't think you're worth the wait. Sorry for the tough love, but he doesn't feel like you do, because you were willing to do long distance and he isn't. In my experience, it would usually take me about 4 months to get over the worst mourning period of a relationship after no contact. You will eventually heal and move on. And no, I wouldn't even consider a future with someone who was willing to let me go in this sort of situation. I wouldn't contact him after I arrived in Spain, and in fact would never contact him again. I'd hold out for someone who is crazy about me. I know how difficult it is to let someone go who is fun, sexy, etc. I had to do it once as soon as I saw he didn't meet my major needs. Take care.
  13. You don't love the long distance bf. If you did, you wouldn't be kissing someone else, so do the bf a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who truly loves him. Since you are risking your heart on someone who lacked compassion when your life was at its worst, it shows you haven't taken the time solo to work on your self worth. He's changed? You can't know this when you're in the honeymoon period. If you stay with him, it will have to go beyond the 4-6 month mark, when the highs of the reunited relationship wears off. The fact that he says it's fine that you have bf and will understand when you need to be with the guy when he visits is a clearcut message that he doesn't care about you. He's simply enjoying sex with a woman who will accept breadcrumbs and puts blinders on about past history predicting future behavior. Be alone and read books and articles on improving your self worth. Your man-picker will improve when you are leading a fulfilling life solo, without needing a man. When you're ready, you will want to share that joy with a man, and if he's not meeting your needs, you will be able to cut him from your life since he's not worthy of you, in order to be single when the right one comes along.
  14. [ATTACH=CONFIG]11316[/ATTACH] When you allow toxic dysfunction in your life, it's because that's what you subconsciously think you deserve. Worry about fixing yourself, because it's you who needs the work on boosting your self esteem. There are cute, sexy, fun women out there who aren't carrying around stinky baggage. You'll have a higher rate of success in a relationship with one of them.
  15. I've learned with life experience that once something has happened to start an argument, once the argument is over, you don't bring the incident up ever again. There is no point to that except to create drama and make the other person keep paying for a past, supposed crime or bad behavior. It's a good thing to discuss boundaries and rules in your relationship like this. My husband and I have discussed all the rules we think are important, including not calling each other names while arguing. If I were you and thought he was worth salvaging the relationship for, I'd tell him your rules. I'd also give him an ultimatum. Otherwise, if you let him get away with bringing up something from your past one more time and you continue on with him, he will know this is not a deal breaker and you will continue on with him. I'd say: "You chose to be with me knowing what happened. I will not stay in this relationship being berated for something I did one time. I'm a faithful, wonderful girlfriend and I will be treated like gold by you, or I won't be a part of your life anymore. If you bring up that incident one more time, we're through." You teach people how to treat you. If you're a doormat, people will step all over you. If you tell them that you will walk away if you're grossly mistreated and stick by it, they will lose the pleasure of your company. You don't leave just because of minor arguments and people do have flaws. You have to know the difference between minor flaws and major flaws. His behavior is unacceptable. If he changes, he cares. If he doesn't, walk away.
  16. At nine months in, it's most likely infatuation, not love. And anyway, love alone is never the reason to stay with someone forever if a person doesn't meet your needs. You've done mostly everything right so far. You've communicated your needs. You broke up when he didn't make the effort you wanted. This showed him you were not a doormat and had standards. It was okay to take him back when he said he would change to get you back. Now he's reverting to his old ways. If he wanted to spend time with you on your normal date, he would. He's choosing to spend time on his hobby. It's great to have hobbies, but when the time spent on them is obsessive, then leave a person to it. Leave the relationship because it's better to choose someone who you don't want to change. As you've seen, people rarely do change. That's the point of dating. To see who the real person is after the honeymoon period and know if who they are is who you want to pursue a longterm relationship with. You've learned who you don't want. A person should match your dating goals. If they don't, move on and keep at it until you find "the one." He's not it.
  17. Why do you want to do it anonymously? My advice is to join a writer's group in your area. I belong to one for novel writing. Many eyes and viewpoints can help eek out the best in your work.
  18. It's good that you told her how you feel. She has dismissed you being a romantic partner, so at least you know the answer now. Basically, one day you will find a lifetime partner. She won't be okay with you being best friends with a woman you wanted more from. Many women won't accept their partner having an opposite sex best friend, even if they are like siblings. In your twenties, it's common to have close friends of the opposite sex when people are single or aren't in serious relationships. Those friendships usually go to the back burner when one or both get in a serious romantic relationship. You made a promise in your youth, not having the life experience to know the consequences of that. Relieve yourself from that duty. You were there for each other at one time in your lives and that's great. That time is over. You need to do what's best for yourself. Either continue to distance yourself gradually from her, or tell her you need to end the relationship for your own good. Sure, she may be upset, but life is like that. Do you really think her future bf will be okay with her being so close to a guy who has a crush on her? You'll be shoved to the back burner when that happens anyway. Best to do it now on your own terms. Take care.
  19. My sister-in-law had one removed about 20 years ago. It was at the front of her brain and they went in through her nose to remove it. She felt a little feint and sick recovering at home but has had no problems since. Good luck and take care.
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