Jump to content

Andrina

Platinum Member
  • Posts

    5,069
  • Joined

  • Days Won

    14

Posts posted by Andrina

  1. On 9/20/2021 at 6:03 PM, HelloThere123 said:

    I'd be fine with this new arrangement if he hadn't started blowing me off when a roommate thing would come up

    Wow, that's a topsy-turvy way to conduct a relationship, doing everything backwards. Going backwards by stopping the co-habiting. He then moves in with a group of women. Is your situation, which is outside of the norm, anyway concerning to you?

    What do you mean by blowing off? That you've made plans in advance with him that he cancels, or he's just in the routine of stopping by your place daily and lately, he tells you he won't stop by on a particular day because the girls want to go out for drinking and dancing?

    If he's canceling on a regular basis, why would you settle for someone who treats you like this? Like another poster said, never hope someone will change in a major way because there's no guarantee he will. Base your decision's on how things are in the present.

    On 9/20/2021 at 6:03 PM, HelloThere123 said:

    They blew me off

    Hmm. Birds of a feather.

     

    On 9/20/2021 at 6:03 PM, HelloThere123 said:

    I am not quick to trust people

    What are you afraid of with his friends? Trust them to do what? Not to rob you? Not to talk behind your back? Have you ever had therapy for the emotional luggage you haul around? Aren't you tired?

    • Like 1
  2. The brand new excitement of the beginnings in a relationship or a fling have their time and place. It's something that can't last a lifetime, and it's not supposed to. In happy LTRs, there are highs, lows, plateaus, and a deepening of love that lasts a lifetime.

    In your case, either the emotional connection is missing in your relationship, and that's something that has to be worked on with effort from you and your bf. Or, you're young and really want to have more dating experiences before you're ready to get serious with someone.

    What do you fight about? How does he make you feel special? What do you to make him feel special? 

    If you want to make things right with your bf, you're going to have to vow to never search for the person you had the fling with ever again. You're going to have delete and block his number. If you can't do that, admit you're not ready to be in a serious relationship. If you wouldn't want your bf doing these things, then don't be a hypocrite and engage in that behavior yourself. When you stop engaging with that fling and force your mind to think of other things if you begin fantasizing about him, the dreams will stop.

    If you decide to remain with your bf, read some articles on how to inject a spark back into the relationship. 

    • Like 1
  3. On 9/16/2021 at 3:04 PM, Chad4572 said:

    My problem is that I come a very complicated background and have major trust issues due to toxic relationships and emotionally unavailable parents.

    Yes, continue to work on ditching your emotional baggage, because you will sabotage any relationship you attempt if you don't.

    It's like you're kind of questioning if you should bail now before your feelings deepen, thinking you're too weak to handle getting hurt if he loses interests and bails on you first.

    Get it into your head that you won't get through life unscathed and only the tiniest of percentage of the population is immune to heartbreak. Every dating experience is a leap of faith. Maybe it'll work out, and maybe it won't. But have the mindset that whatever happens, you are strong enough to handle it and learn from it.

    This vacation is but a tiny blip in in your journey as a new couple. Be patient and see how things go when he gets back. See if you get into a regular routine that you both are happy with. And then you have to get through the honeymoon period, which is normally 4 to 6 months, before you begin to really see the genuine person and will understand better who they are. Seeing if he makes you a priority, how he handles the stress of life, if he's faithful, financially responsible, etc.

    Beginnings of relationships are heady, but also mixed with anxiety because there are so many unknowns. It's something you have to get through and there is no way around it. It's hard to be vulnerable, but the alternative is isolating yourself in a safe bubble, which has its own downside--loneliness.

    The only control you have is being the best partner you can be, and choosing to date guys who lack red flags. And then you just have to wait and see over time if he's the type of guy who meets all of your main needs. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    • Like 1
    • Thanks 1
  4. 13 hours ago, HelloThere123 said:

    Then whenever he'd be torn between me or them it would end up being them and

     

    13 hours ago, HelloThere123 said:

    he'd bail on our plans to do something with them instead,

    A person can have more than one priority, but with these statements, clearly his scale is not evenly balanced. I have a feeling you're both being unreasonable and are highly incompatible, but it would be helpful to give proper advice if we knew more details. Is his group of friends all male or a mixture of men and women? Why do you not like hanging out with them, and how many times have you been around them? Why do you call them partiers when they seem to also get together for movies and walks?

    I can see you not wanting to join them at bars, but why not come to a consensus and partially please his want of you being with his group on outings that don't involve drinking?

    How often does the group get together during the week? How many times a week do you try to set up plans with your bf? How many times a week does he try to make plans with you? What is your ideal on how many times a week you see him and what is the actual amount that happens? How long have you been dating?

    Getting the answers to this would help us get a clearer picture.

     

    • Like 1
  5. Your wishful thinking has you assuming he's spending more time with you because he's into your romantically. More likely, some of his other friendships have probably drifted away so he's seeking you out since you're convenient, available, and he can continue with a busy social life.

    You showed him signs you were available for closeness. He rejected your signals.

    Stop thinking of him as dating material and go back to thinking of him as just another friend. Spend less time with him so you can achieve this. Plus, if you're pouring loads of emotional energy and time into a friend, it will limit your time with achieving your goal of having a bf. Since people are normally very busy with careers and possibly education, and only limited leisure time, a person has to choose wisely how they should use that leisure time wisely, for their own good.

     

    • Like 2
  6. It's all about the child's needs, not yours. I just don't think she will get anything from a birthday card and FaceTime hellos. Kids value in-person quality time with a person. And kids don't need to get attached to people flitting in and out of their lives. If her Dad finds a forever partner who doesn't want you around their daughter, it will be in her best interest not to have to let you go when she's older and more invested. 

    • Like 3
  7. You're too close to the situation, too infatuated to realize she's not a decent person. Being in a bad relationship is not a good reason to flirt with and kiss other guys, and behind her bf's back to boot. Don't think you're so special that if she was free and you two dated, that she wouldn't seek out other guy's attention when you two had an argument.

    As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

    An emotionally mature person ends one relationship before beginning another. She's using you for an ego boost at the expense of your feelings and her bfs feelings. And you think she's some prize to win over? She knows she's hurting two people and she doesn't care.

    There are pretty, single women out there who don't cheat. For a happier experience, I suggest extricating yourself from this toxicity, block and delete, and go for a woman free and clear, and with better ethics, to date.

    • Like 2
  8. Loving someone is not a good reason for staying when your partner clearly doesn't love you as you should be loved. If she loved you, knowing you're tired from your long day, she would make sure she contributed her fair share of chores to ease your burden. And you've communicated your needs. When a partner actually cares, and your request is reasonable, she will want to please you and improve. She hasn't.

    You can't be a sacrificial lamb, giving up a life of happiness because you think she won't be able to cope on her own. She's an adult and responsible for taking care of herself. If she chose to previously pickle her brain instead of earning a nest egg to ensure her own ability to keep a roof over her head, that's on her. If she had to temporarily go to a woman's shelter, oh well. When YOU stop enabling her, she will either all of a sudden learn to be financially independent, or more likely pour on the charms to a new man to give her the shelter she won't provide for herself.

    In your shoes, I'd begin to get her names off of your credit cards and as a co-owner of your bank account if that situation exists. And then get divorce papers. When you get time and distance away from her, you'll kick yourself at how you stayed. In my first marriage, my situation wasn't exactly like yours, but he didn't pull his weight financially and treated me poorly. I divorced him and eventually found a partner a million times better in every way. I wish the same for you.

    • Like 5
  9. 2 hours ago, Misses17 said:

    i have very little self confidence as it is

    Don't date again until you build this up. Read books and articles on how to do so, and/or seek therapy. If you don't love yourself, you will keep attracting toxic predators and accept them as you subconsciously think that's all you deserve. Take care.

  10. Everyone has their own opinion on this. I don't believe in staying friends with exes. To me, it sometimes prevents one from totally moving on and properly bonding with a new love. Many new partners aren't comfortable with their love interest regularly communicating with an ex. Especially when one would have stayed with the ex if circumstances were different, and with hopes to reconcile when the stars align. I've never welcomed exes contacting me (this happened before cell phones allowed blocking). To me it was a rude interruption on my closure.

    • Like 1
  11. I think it's better to behave with good ethics and let the cards fall where they may. That means don't make such faraway plans so that someone is putting themselves on ice for you. Nobody is worth waiting around for, in instances like this, IMO. To me, it's selfish to present this idea.

    And what if you suggested that, and he turns down others because in the back of his mind, you two will be reuniting in a few years? You might fall for someone during this time, and then you'll have to pick the scab off his wound yet again, as the promise of reuniting fell through.

    • Like 2
  12. You don't try to talk sense into someone like this. You observe how someone behaves--inappropriate boundaries with an ex, uncaring when you are physically hurt, and then you act accordingly. People with a healthy self-worth don't put up with this BS. I'm not getting why you don't walk away when you've witnessed this instead of sticking around for more of the same and thinking he'll improve just because you've asked. Doesn't all this show he doesn't care about you and so why would he care what you think?

    • Like 2
  13. Your relationship boundaries about who you can follow and who you can't are a bit strange with you both following exes and both followed this girl. Since he already followed her, how was he supposed to know your rule that he can't follow the new one she created?

    In the future, when you become exclusive with someone, make sure they share your rules on every element of relationship rules.

    As for me, after a cooling off period of one day after an argument, I'd assume a guy who loved me and wanted forever with me would want to talk and make up. If he went 4 days without a word to me, I'd have to admit he's really not interested in patching things up. That he's glad things will fade away in silence with no drama. 

    With time and distance away from him, you will probably see with more clarity that this relationship has run its course. One day you'll probably realize that's for the best. Take care.

    • Like 1
  14. If something doesn't make sense, then take that as a red flag next time. Yeah, if he is so smokin' hot, and actually is a firefighter as he claims, many women's fantasy, why would he choose to look for longterm dating partners who live 3 hours away? No, that doesn't make sense. Therefore, the opposite can be deduced, that he was seeking short term. 

    Locally, he might not be able to fade away from a woman who is totally crushing on him as easily. Or, of course, to prevent bumping into anybody at a restaurant who'd rat him out when they saw him cheating.

    After my first marriage tanked, I made numerous mistakes myself in the dating world. I only agreed to dates with men who posted longterm as their goal on their profiles. Had to learn the hard way that for some of them, it was a lie, and they were making their way through as many women as possible on the site. 

    I did meet my second husband online, but had learned about, and gone to a few Meet up groups before I met him. I recommend Meetup. com groups as a less stressful way to meet singles in your age group. Look and see what's available in your area.

    I wouldn't say I have a thick skin. I'd just say my goal of finding a lifetime companion was such a strong motivation that I put up with all the frustrating and upsetting dating experiences I had to achieve my goal. Take care.

    • Like 3
  15. I only skimmed over your post. If any girl/woman read this lengthy text, it's likely they would steer clear of the guy who wrote it. It speaks of someone too intense, too overly focused on someone he barely knows, with warning signs that if she dated him and it didn't work out for her, and she attempted to break up, he'd become hysterical or stalker-like, or he'd be pleading with her to stay.

    I suggest making an appointment with a  therapist to learn how not to be this overly focused where you spend 30 hours to draw someone and probably spend 3 hours typing a mini book about someone you have a crush on. This behavior will scare any woman off. Even if they don't see the evidence, a woman's gut feeling will sense something is off about a guy this intense and will likely steer herself far away from a risky situation.

    • Like 4
  16. On 9/10/2021 at 7:58 AM, Squigg said:

    I will hold my hands up and say I was a bit intense and jealous (due to issues I need to resolve from a previous relationship) and said I had a feeling she was no longer interested in me. 

    More likely she wanted to retain a healthy mental state by distancing herself from the BS you dished out.

    You two are not exclusive and she didn't owe you anything, and there is never a reason to call someone out on your feeling that you're being neglected or not made a priority in a new dating scenario like this. What you should do is have a wait and see attitude. After you asked her out on Sunday and she said no, the ball would've been in her court to suggest a date with you. And if she didn't, and never initiated communication, it's your signal she's just not that into you. At that point, you can fade away or simply say: This isn't working for me. 

    Keep people in your life who reciprocate effort. Make sure your expectations aren't unreasonable of what a healthy relationship entails. If you see a pattern that a person doesn't match you in how much you want to communicate or date, try dating someone else. You already know your faults, so have those under control before attempting to date again or you will drive away all women who have healthy self-esteems (women will low self-worth might put up with the mistreatment).

    So my advice is to leave her alone. You've burned that bridge.

    • Like 1
  17. 16 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

    I finally felt like I have met my other half.

    Really? Finally? At age 18? Why at this young age is it your goal to nail down a forever love? Perhaps you're more like a forty year old in a teen body. To be frank, I'm surprised he hasn't bolted yet, because just reading this, if I was in his shoes, I'd feel like a ton of bricks was laying on my chest.

    16 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

    He is very bad with opening up and letting for a deeper connection happen. I have showed him that I am his support system and that I am here for him

    Sorry, but at your age, for me dating was about having fun with a bf/gf by eating at restaurants, going to the beach, the movies, miniature golfing, holding hands, making out, and spending time together with groups of friends. I don't recall bringing up deeper connections and support systems and extremely heavy topics. That is just strange. Leave the therapeutic talk for your own sessions with a psychologist.

    16 hours ago, erwinsmith8377198 said:

    I have anxious attachment style so it makes it very hard for me to end things. I cannot tell if our relationship is healthy or toxic.

    I see you as the toxicity, not him. From what you've written, you've taken away his choice for when HE FEELS like texting you. You are commanding him to keep track of time so that no more than 3 hours pass before you hear from him. Instead of it being his choice to reach out to a gf because he misses her, he's now being controlled by an anxiety-ridden control freak.

    Sounds like you're the only one asking to get together which he accepts or rejects. You've never allowed him to make an equal effort. After getting together on Thursday, I'm assuming you've never just busied yourself and set up plans for your own life and felt like the ball is now in his court to ask you out for the next time. And if he didn't, you'd find other fulfilling activities to fill your days.

    To gauge a person's continuing interest, you have to sit back and wait for a bf to reciprocate effort, and if he doesn't, it's your clue he doesn't meet your needs and it's time to exit.

    You're expecting too much, and I have have a feeling he's probably not the type to forget about plans. He's likely putting up boundaries in his own way because he'd rather lie than deal with whatever you will dish out when he doesn't want to meet with you every night after work. I'm guessing he's too cowardly to do the breaking up, and hoping you will do the deed to save himself from drama.

    When you have emotional baggage from past relationships, you're not ready to date. A guy shouldn't pay the price for a crime someone else committed. Read some books and articles on how to rid yourself from that. Always keep a fulfilling life of hobbies, enjoying solo time, and time spent with girlfriends, even if you have a bf. He doesn't want to be the sole center of your universe and happiness. It's too smothering. Take care and good luck.

    • Like 1
  18. If your significant other doesn't ease your troubles in the most difficult of times, how can you call him significant? That's more like an acquaintance roommate who doesn't owe you anything, and your importance to him means no more to him than the local cashier.

    Before this 3 year mark, haven't you witnessed instances of this sort of behavior in other ways, even if more minor? Did you ignore the red flags?

    Even if he grew up in a cave and lacks social skills, he witnessed how you took care of him when he was sick, so if he didn't learn from that, he's hopeless. He should've asked what you need before you had to ask for him to go to the store. And then when you did, it was a very cold action on his part to grumble or say no.

    Yeah, tell him you're too sick and tired to take out the garbage, so he can haul himself to the curb.

    • Like 3
  19. 7 hours ago, tassel said:

    She is a woman with a lot of options. We are also pretty different as she is very social, likes to have fun at clubs and share her life on instagram. She also works remotely and spends about 3 months traveling around Europe every summer. She is definitely a thrill seeker

    I can't even believe you thought a woman with these traits and personality would forego dating the numerous prospects of single men her age to stay faithful, and quite satisfied to see an exclusive, long-distance partner 2 to 4 times a year.

    Your decision-making skills are in dire need of a major overhaul.

  20. Sometimes you can tell her to have some nice solo time while you occupy your daughter doing something fun. You can get some lotion and massage her feet or shoulders while you're watching t.v. Make sure you do your fair of chores, and maybe  take on an extra one she normally does once in a while. Write her a note to tell her everything you appreciate about her. Even if it's inexpensive, pick her up a little trinket without their being a special occasion. If you have a store called Claire's at the mall, they have some cute inexpensive earrings and ankle bracelets, etc. 

    • Like 2
  21. Those were some awfully strange, heavy topics on a first or second date. Aborting a child or not, toxic relative not doing chores, etc. Sounds like a blast! I can see why you want more of that 😫

    Don't let a stranger know your home address. If they are cuckoo, you don't want them knowing where you live. Meet at a public location until you can trust they are not unhinged.

    Do you have a wish list on the ideal guy you'd want to date? It sounds like you'd like a someone you can do things with a few times a week. So that's not going to happen with this guy, right? Usually when the beginning of dating someone you're bonkers over, everything seems to be in overdrive and hormones are running wild. And then things come down to a nice normal. If this is all he's got at the beginning, with you having to inquire if there's going to be another date--why are you sinking this low as if you're pleading for his time?

    At your age, seems like you'd be meeting a large pool of single guys. This fish doesn't want to stay on your hook. Release him back into the sea. And you need to start considering your own needs and cut the losers loose quickly, so you'll be free when someone who will make it crystal clear he's into you, comes along.

    • Like 2
×
×
  • Create New...