eveningdusk

It's been a while. I've not spoken to you in over a year. I'm so proud of myself. It was hard, but I got here. I still hurt, I think perhaps I always will a little bit. Not because I miss you or want you back but because Of how you made me feel and the lies you told. I thought you were everything and the reality of who you were hit me square in the face. I was worthless to you in the end, my feelings were nothing to you. I don't think you will ever know how much I hated myself when you said being near me 'disgusted you.' I was honest with you about my body and bedroom insecurities from the very beginning. Yet they 'casuded your depression' and you could no longer fancy me because I didn't know how to be a s*x goddess. It's still going to take me time to open up and trust someone again. But you, not you. You moved on so quickly after all that crap you spewed about spending time on yourself and with your son. I know you've taken her to all the places we went. Every single one of those places was my idea.... Makes me feel so angry. So used... So yes I'm still hurting but I bless every day that I no longer have to see you or hear from you. I'm lucky I didn't waste too much of my life with you. I'm lucky I no longer see the mask of niceness you wear to hide the horrible person underneath. I have chances now to find someone who will accept me as I am and love me as I am. I deserve that. I always have and always will. The way people treat you says more about them than it does about you....

Today I am sad. Today I looked at some of your social media... I knew I shouldn't but I did. I'm glad you're happy with her. But it upsets me that I was so easy to get over after all you said to me. It upsets me that you hurt me so much and get to move on and forget I existed. For once, it would be nice to feel like I was worth something. It would be nice if I could meet someone new who treats me the way I deserve. You hurt me soooo much and it still feels like I'm the one being punished because all the people I seem to meet are morons. The worst part is, even if you knew exactly how hurt I was, you wouldn't care. You never did.

Happy Belated birthday. Yep little old me who struggled so hard didn't text you on your birthday. Even better, you're birthday was on Tuesday and I made this far. 80+ days no contact and counting. Things I've learnt... My self worth comes from my own opinion not from those around me it Especially doesn't come from someone who bends the truth to make him look better or flat out lies. It also doesn't come from someone who has proven himself a cheater... Maybe not to me, but cheating on 3 exes is not a good sign buddy. I am me, I am proud of me and if it's not good or perfect enough for you then it's your loss. There are far better people out there and I will find one of them. I may not be completely healed yet or over the hurt and pain but I would never give you a second chance to hurt me... That is progress and amazing progress at that. So keep flitting from relationship to relationship if that's how you roll. Keep pretending you care about them when really you can't be alone. Keep letting them take the emotional risks. It's your life. But my life is so much better as you will never be a part of it again.

I hate the fact that you get to be with someone else. After all the crap you sprouted about not having time for a relationship and focusing on yourself and your son. You get to be with someone so soon and I don't. It's not fair and you don't deserve it. You hurt me, used my insecurities against me and lied to me. All while seeming like a good and decent human being. It's not even that which tears me up. It's the fact that I still feel things for you and that you couldn't wait to get rid of me, to move onto someone who was better in all the ways that matter to you... I had a date yesterday and he wasn't you. It hurt and I hate you for still being in my head and heart when I left yours even before we broke up. I guess though I'm really the one who is better off. You're probably telling her the same things you told me. How you have trouble opening up and that she is the only one who can fix you because of how great she is. How you've never felt this way etc etc but as soon as you realise she can't fix the mess inside you. She'll fall off that pedstal, like me and all those girls before me and you'll put your cold heartless walls up. I was naive once and I paid the price. I hope this new one will see through you before you hurt her as much as you hurt me.

So, another revelation. I'm not scared anymore. I couldn't understand it either. Why couldn't I just let you go at the end. I held on when it was so clear you were just tolerating me after the break up. I was scared of being alone as my 'friends' were not there for me and you were the only one who sorta cared.I was also scared of doing the whole finding someone who wanted a family thing again at my age. You took away my dreams and stopped being my only real friend. That's a hella long way to fall. But I'm not as scared anymore. I've released the anger too and it's just hurt left. But I never want to be with you again. I don't know what to believe anymore about who you are. I think you're that kind sweet guy I met but you also have a dark side. There's lies and admissions in there and also a blank wall. You 're the kinda guy who will use someone's insecurities which they confided in you as a reason to break up with them. You'll say you don't have time for a relationship and you need to work on yourself and your depression but join a dating site 2 months after we split to 'date.' Surely it would be better to say no commitment? As you really don't have the time, you play in a band and see your son @ weekends and work shift work, it was too much pressure for you to fit someone in when we're together. Just get a F buddy and stop screwing girls mentally and emotionally!! you're the kinda guy who will bad mouth your sons mum for being obvious about her love life and then flirt openly on fb with the girl you're now 'dating.' Which your soon can see! You're the guy who wants someone else to make his life better but won't be there when the other person needs support. Lastly you're the kinda guy who cheats on his ex before me, doesn't tell her and is best buds with her. I'm not even angry as I write this. It's kinda funny to see the real you. I do feel sorry for the girl you're dating though. You'll expect her to sort out the unhappiness you feel,you won't take the emotional risks, you'll dump her if she's not perfect in bed or have the right body. If she lasts past the 'date' phase you'll make your family you're first priority, feel under pressure cos of work, get the commitment phobia around 8months! Push her away, dump her and blame her. You are stuck in a cycle and you've been that way the last 5 relationships... If you didn't lie about those as well. I'm praying for the girl you're dating, that you'll treat her properly!!!! I wonder how many times you said 'you're different from the rest. I've never felt this way before.' I believed you when you said it... I think now it was just an act!!!

so it's been a while. 50 days or so. I could count it up but I don't really want to. Yesterday I realised that I was holding onto all this hate for you and I was making myself do it so I would never want you back. I was listing all the things that I didn't like or that I wasn't sure about and focusing on them so much that I didn't realise how down it was making me. So I decided to let it all go and yes I felt relieved at first but now there's this uncertainty left behind. I keep wanting to e-mail or text but then when I think about how you'll react to me. It gets me upset. I know I didn't deserve to be pushed away or rejected now. I know that I deserve unconditional love including all my insecurities. I most certainty should not be pushed away because of them. I really just wish you could see me like I'm starting to see myself. I wish I could take away all the times that I felt I wasn't good enough for you or when I felt like A or L were better for you and I would never live up to them. I wish I could have been more secure. Mostly I wish you could have been the confident person that you were outside of the relationship with everyone else you interacted with. We were both scared, but of different things and in the end we both ran away because I couldn't keep taking the emotional risks just so you wouldn't get hurt. I had my own issues and you weren't there for me. I needed someone just as badly as you did and I was alone because you wouldn't or couldn't help me with them like I helped with yours. Then my lack of confience with sex... you used that as a justification for the break up. You will have no idea how much you hurt me by that alone. I told you from the beginning about those and you were ok with it and then one day. nope. There are times when I think we could've make it work and in all honesty perhaps we could have but you're not willing to put your whole heart and soul into the relationship. you want me to lead, so you could follow and never be vulnerable. If I always take the risk then I'll always be the one who gets burnt. I need someone who will tame the flames with me not watch me burn from a safe distance. I need someone who is going to be there for me because they want to be there. who will have the patience and understanding when it comes to sex. who will love me even though I'm not perfect. I know that I can do that for other people. I guess I just need to wait for that person to come along for me... huh Guess I really don't want to talk to you anymore if I can say that

also, the moment you realise you are that ex that everyone of your friends will make fun of. The one who can't seem to quite let go. You think the humiliation would stop me making a fool of myself, but sadly it doesn't.

I miss you. I want to tell that I don't want to give up on us. That we have a shot, but I can't. If I do, i'll probably just push you away even further. In the past I went 4 days top before contacting you and asking you how you are. Today is day 4 again and I'm going to try so hard not to do it. This is what you want and I have to respect that and give you space. Maybe with enough space so you can really think, you'll want to try again despite feeling depressed??? That was the real cause of the break-up. I can't stop over analysing what you said in your last text.. 'I don't mean to hurt you.' That's present tense.. not the past. I'm probably an idiot for holding onto hope with that. But that's all I can do at the moment!

I broke no contact and I'm glad I did. I asked you not to reply to me when we broke up, if I did slip up and contact you and you're keeping to it. Thank you It's helping me to contact you and not receive a reply. This might sound strange but it really is. I felt so worthless and as if I wasn't even good enough to send you something and I had to prove to myself that I really am worth it. I didn't want a reply, just to feel like I was deserving to send a freaking text and I do now. Secondly, not receiving a reply back from you hurts and I'm glad to feel the pain because it stops me hoping and gets rid of the numbness that this isn't happening. With the pain comes the memories of all the horrible things that I need to remember to get over you. Like forcing me to make decisions because you don't want to. Feeling guilty when I can't come up with anything. Not being understanding about being nervous and shy. Telling me that sex with me depresses you and / or it caused your depression. Rejecting me, pushing me away and saying that you don't find me sexually attractive anymore. You staying in touch with your ex which you know I didn't like and bringing her up when you should have been sharing life moments with me. Ignoring half of my texts and especially I love you's. Freaking out when I said that I'd like my nan to see me get married so if we were upto that stage and she got sick that I would propose to you, it's not like we hadn't spoken about the future before. Telling me you felt pressure to reply to me. Only seeming to answer quickly when it was about your book or job related. I will never have to drive to yours again which really made me anxious. I'll never have to see your dad again who really isn't a very nice man. The way he waits for his son-in-law just to turn away slightly before he starts making digs about him and he tries to make him look like the butt of his joke to everyone in the know.. horrible and you followed his example. I'll never have to be a step mum to a 12 year old which freaking worried me. The way I would say something and you would ignore it, but 2 seconds later when your son said it, it was the funniest thing in the world. The way you treat your child like a friend, not a parent and told me that if we had kids that you would feel differently about them. Feeling like that if we had a family, me and the kids would always be second best to your son. Feeling second best anyway as you always told me that your son and family would always be your first priority. I get that, but to constantly say it? mean You're best friend is a bad influence on you also. He doesn't treat you properly, he puts down your achievements and doesn't really want you to be happy as it reflects against him. I don't think he wanted you to be with me and gave you advice with that in mind. I didn't like him. There I said it. Telling me that my confidence is one of the reasons we broke up as you started to see me differently. No, my confidence changed because you did and I had to tip toe around you. My confidence in the relationship changed because you turned into the person I described above. Yes, it probably is because you are depressed that you are no longer the loving, kind and caring man that you used to be. But I can't make excuses for you anymore. I was hurting in that relationship and you were the one causing it. If you don't want to get help about your issues, then really your depression is a part of you and I have to realise that this is the man that you are choosing to be and I don't want to be with him. It's time to remember all the bad and not the positives, which also were many but most of them disappeared months ago!

so confused Do I want you back? Should I move on? Was it your depression? Was it me? Could it work now? Do I trust you? Do you still love me? Should I try? Do I annoy you like I think I do? Will we get back together? Is it worth it? So many questions. My head is going round in circles. Why can't you get in touch with your emotions and tell me? Why didn't you want me? Was I not good enough? Am I still hoping for something? Were you just trying to find a reason to get rid of me? Did I blow it with how I handled things? arrrrgggh I need to learn how to meditate!!!!!

hey you. so I was doing ok today. I really was. I put up my gold star on my calendar for not contacting you today and then I thought I would make an image board of everything that I really wanted in life so I could remember it and never forget what I wanted... all positives. It was when I started looking at houses that it started to hurt. We'll never have that And now I'm just confused and I don't even know how to process that. I'm mostly ok but then I'll be angry at you. I'm still waiting for the pain to hit me properly and I'm not sure if I'm just numb or hopeful. or stupid. I have no idea what I want anymore. It's a strange feeling. I don't feel connected to you, it's as if our relationship is already a long ago memory that I wasn't even a part of. I have to concentrate to remember what you look like. I don't like feeling like this. It's odd. Why aren't I in pure hellish pain?!? I could understand that. This state is just... I have no idea.

There's a part of me that doesn't believe it's over and is just waiting for your to miss me enough to reach out... I keep writing you e-mails and saving them as drafts just so I think I've sent them. I think the hurt will really kick in soon, but I have to let you go. Please, please miss me and get in touch.

I am so mad at you this morning. Throwing everything away and saying you don't think it could ever be as good as it once was. Using everything I tell you about my insecurities to find reasons why it wasn't working. When really you won't face the actual problem which is your depression. Yes, you're busy and have a lot to cope with in life and having a relationship was hard. But you coped happily with that for 6 months BEFORE your depression, which wasn't caused by me and you know that. But now I'm the one who's suffering because everything is too much for you and you can't see a way out. I wish I could slap some sense into you. If you still love someone and you miss being with them, surely that tells you that there is something there still??? And the reason you can't see it working was because.. yep... you can't think round your depression. If I knew the causes were because of me, then this would be so much easier. Instead, everything is tied up in your book, getting over cancer and your own insecurities. I honestly didn't care that you didn't have all the time in the world for me. I knew your lifestyle and that your son was important to you from the get go. I just enjoyed the time we did have together. Yes more time would have been nice but it was, what it was and I was happy just to be with you and looked forward to the next time. You're an idiot. Just get help, please. The chances are that we won't get back together because you can't see past the prison you've locked your mind into. But get help, just for yourself. You say you don't know how to achieve happiness, well reaching out is the first step. And you need to cut something out in your life that really stresses you out. Find a new job with better hours and really put the effort into finding it. You're not happy in the band, but it makes you money so the new job thing may help with that. Just tone everything down and take care of yourself for a change. You're parents and family are really fine and don't need you fussing, you just can't see it. God, I just want you to get better. You're a good person. I'm still fuming, as I want you to see past your head and go with your heart. Unfortunately I will never really know how you really feel. I can have a good guess that if you're weren't so overwhelmed and down that we would have made it. We were a great couple and you even said that yourself, many times. But something went wrong... Ugh. I'm going to start talking in circles soon. Please, please get help and make yourself better, you deserve to get better you silly man.

Oh, I just remembered you're going out with the boys tonight... You'll probably be out looking for someone better than me Guess I'm not quite so great about this after all. I'm going to hav to keep myself busy tonight in order to stop thinking about you being with someone else 3 days after we break up. I know you won't be cheating on me but it will still hurt.

So I deleted your phone number and every e-mail we sent each other. I cut up the picture you gave me for my birthday too. The only way for me to deal with this new reality is cut you out of it. I'm crying constantly, but now I can't contact you. I also realised with the help of my counselling last night, just how horrible it was for you to say that 'sex with me caused your depression.' But I've come to the conclusion that if that is the case then I'm actually helping you. If our relationship or parts of it were making you unhappy, then at least you will be able to heal without me. That really helps me to. It makes me think that things happen for a reason, so it's a little easier to let go of you. The only way we'll ever talk to each other again, is if you make the effort, but to do that you have to battle your own demons... that's if you even want to. You need to realise that your depression is a part of you. You can lash out at me and blame me if you want, but underneath it all, it's still a part of you. Get help, you're a good person and with help you will see that again. I doubt you miss me or really notice that I'm not there anymore. I've also realised that perhaps I was too needy. I have my own problems and you were part of the only happiness in my world. It wasn't fair to put you under pressure and I'm sorry. My counselling is going to help me with that. She's helping me with finding my own voice and being assertive. I'm going to get the future I want and I hope you do too. I can feel myself letting go of you and I'm sad about that because I really do love you. But right now, we're not good for each other. I don't know if we ever will be again. You know someone said that the whole point of a soul mate is to come into your life and teach you something. Sometimes it's something good and you stay together forever and sometimes you learn from it. I'm hoping that both of us, learn important lessons from this and find out who we are and what we want. You deserve so much, I just wish you could see as well as I could.