Felicity

Patrick, I finally started to feel better yesterday. Then I woke up this morning, after my first good night of sleep in months, and I actually felt good. I realized the knot in my chest was gone. I felt happy. I haven't really felt happy since you last held me. I went about my day thinking things are finally getting better. A normal day, and work is going fantastic, so it makes sense for me to be happy there. This new guy, who is fully aware of our breakup and my current emotional situation, he's continuing to be very supportive and understanding. And he was sending me funny texts, as he always does. And I started to think maybe I could really try to open up to him more. Emotionally, you know? But then it all changed. I don't know when it happened; I honestly don't remember the moment or what triggered it, but it's as if I realized I was finally getting over you and I got scared. I don't know how long I'd been feeling that way before it registered, but it's like... to get over you is to let you go. To let you go is to lose you. But I don't have you to lose, and I know that, but I can't feel it. The scared feeling is gone and now I feel nothing. For weeks all I've felt is pain. I was reading a few minutes ago about how people often feel empty after this sort of loss. I felt the opposite. That knot, ever-present, sometimes burning; sometimes twisting; sometimes swelling, taking my breath away. Never absent for all those weeks. I would wake up at night and that knot would remind me and keep me awake. It would steal my appetite, filling me instead with sorrow. Now the knot isn't there, but there's no emptiness either. I don't feel anything. Physically. Yet the tears are streaming down my face, and I close my eyes and I see yours. But I feel nothing. It's like a dead silence inside me. Is this what it is to feel dead inside? Is this what you meant when you said you're broken and can't feel? Today my friend sent me a link to link removed and I read through it. I realize how terribly I handled our breakup. How by repeatedly violating NC I prolonged my own pain and potentially ruined any sort of relationship we could have had in the future, friendship or otherwise. I showed so much weakness. And your violation of NC brought out more weakness in me. You showed no cracks and that only makes it even more difficult for me. I can tell you care on some shallow level but it seems almost fake. Why don't you care? I'm sitting alone wearing your shirt, the one you dripped chocolate on and I said I'd bleach. I haven't even washed it. It smells like you. Despite the passing of weeks, I can still smell you in it. But I noticed that when I smell it, I don't get the butterflies in my stomach anymore. The now-missing knot doesn't twist. I recognize your scent and I miss you but I don't feel anything. I don't know what this means. I know that guide said I should get rid of everything that is yours or reminds me of you. This shirt, your pictures, the gifts you gave me. But those are just a drop in the bucket of all the things that remind me of you. I'd have to burn the world to accomplish that task. Everything reminds me of you. Every event, every opportunity, every moment is one that I regret being unable to share with you. Every joy turns to sorrow when I realize I can't tell you about it. Sorrow is deepened knowing I can't lean on you. I miss you so much, but I only know it because of the tears. The knot is gone. Perhaps my hope with it. I don't know what this means...

Why wasn't I worth any effort on your part? If I was "a ton of fun" and you appreciated things about me and what I had to offer you that your previous girlfriends didn't, why was I valued worth so little of your time? Your feelings just weren't progressing? What about that admission that you sabotage that? You didn't even try after we got back together! What were the negatives that outweighed the positives? You never complained about anything. Never expressed any disappointment. Everything you asked for, I gave you. So what about me or our time together led you to prefer to be lonely than be with me? Putting everything on yourself and saying it's nothing I "said or did or didn't do" doesn't help me find closure. It doesn't make sense. Doesn't compute. I'm good enough for you to hook up with just not good enough to date? You don't have ex-girlfriends, you have victims. I wish I wasn't your latest victim.