arjumand

There is no Catch-22–this guy is a complete waste of time, emotion and energy. He is sapping ALL your resources and you are letting him. Kick him out, block him and get some therapy to figure out why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be in one and who also just takes and takes. You need a guy who is all in and shows it with his actions. This guy isn’t him.

My oldest friend started dating a 21 year old when she was 19. He saw her in class and went right after her. Completely bald and all grey. Married 33 years now, three grown sons and he looks EXACTLY the same. All her sons lost their hair by 19. Have zero problems getting extremely high-quality women to marry. My husband’s best friend — also completely bald by 18, I never met a guy who had so many women after him. Finally got married to a great woman at 39. Bald is really more of an issue for men than it is for women, I often think.

It will be a difficult trek, but it sounds like he should get his health back. I know you have the strength and stamina to deal with this, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult.

You can’t see the forest for the trees, as many of us cannot in midst of a difficult situations. Moving to M into a house he controls would be a bad idea even if he were willing to do it, which he is not. There is really NO benefit for you to stay in this situation or to compromise everything for a guy who is taking advantage of you financially and shows little interest in anything important to you. Clearly, he is not thinking of you as a family and a “family house” is not going to make you one. You need to stop doing everything he wants in an attempt to get him to be more involved. Prioritize your well being and your daughter’s well being and get out of this relationship. Then get some real help to figure out why you are willing to give up so much to hang on to an indifferent man. Please also be aware that you are teaching your daughter that being treated like your are a convenience is perfectly fine. Is that what you want for her?

Very sorry to hear that. I hope he improves rapidly.

I don’t understand why the military would have him go back to work before he has even begun his therapy — I would think they have a vested interest in getting him as healthy as possible before he has to take on work as well. So happy things are improving.

I am very sorry to hear this and it must be very difficult. Have you checked out Al-Anon? It is a support group for people in just your position and you would be able to discuss things with people who have similar experiences and a lot of knowledge. They would also be able to help you with "helping" your mother, as you already stated, she is abusive and makes choices, and you can't really control any of that. I hope things improve.

He is trying to confuse you and exert power in the relationship. Stop trying to figure him out and just dump him. Find someone worthwhile and be worthwhile on your own.

Dump him NOW. He is a gas lighting, manipulative, passive aggressive twit. You should not let anyone treat with such nastiness and indifference. Then figure out why you would stick around for this. A new relationship should feel great — if it doesn’t, you move on. Dating is to find a partner, not to try and figure out why unpleasant people act the way they do.

I think she is successful with a good career, so she is seen by others as a good catch.

You are old enough to plan your own wedding and live your own life. If your mother and brother don’t want to come they don’t have to. Have only people you and your intended want so that all guests are happy to be there. And after the celebrations live the way the two of you want — with lots of communication and kindness—and have the marriage you want, not the one others think you should have.

Just to clarify -- are you under the impression that you should no longer be attracted to other women? Because that is completely ridiculous -- people in long-term relationships are attracted to others. But if they really love their partner and want the relationship to work they put their energy into it and not into other people. If you think you won't be able to direct your energies properly for the long term then you should absolutely not get married. If you are simply concerned because you attracted to others, I think you have a basic misunderstanding of human nature.

You are just lovely and I really hope your are talking to your therapist about your dysmorphia and confidence -- I know PLENTY of people who would find you very attractive. I am very sorry that you have been treated so shabbily but it is now up to you to change your life and as an attractive, intelligent person, I am confident that you can make your life what you want it to be.

Agreed. The desire to have those who act badly and hurt us recognize their behavior is natural, but unrealistic. Your ex is deeply troubled and has never before recognized her behavior, why would she now? You only get one life and continuing to put energy and thought into someone who doesn’t deserve you—and by responding to her and keeping in touch—you are not using your time to make yourself happy. BTW, it may help to remember this desire for ‘realization’ happens in all kinds of relationships but very rarely happens. Did your parents hear you or realize their bad behavior? Probably not. You have realize that closure comes from you and that the stronger and better you feel about yourself the less you will allow those who treat you poorly into your life — which will give you time and space for higher-quality people.

I have never been remotely attracted to muscles — my actuaL physical preference is really skinny guys. Because different people are attracted to different types. One of my closest friends is an overweight woman with curly red hair. Everyone her husband ever dated looked just like her because that is his type. Your generalizations are stupid and dangerous and I think you should stop dating and get some intensive therapy because the person you are now is going to make a dreadful partner if you ever manage to find someone with your poisonous, problematic thinking. BTW, many people DON’T marry their type. I fell for my husband — who was FAR from skinny and significantly farther since marriage — because of his personality, kindness and smarts. He was and is a lot of fun.

Why don’t you try erecting boundaries with this guy, build up some confidence by doing so, and then worry about potential situations. Right now, you are using worry over a hypothetical someone you might be attracted to in the future stop you from doing something important for yourself right now.

You are taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility -- two of your siblings are over 18 and live in the house. They can help your mother or not, that is their decision and it will affect how and where they live. You said you have no skin in the game and they are trying to get money out of you in order to pay off debt -- that is unacceptable. You are being used, this is in no way your responsibility, and I know you think this is your father's legacy but really, it is you trying to control a situation you cannot. If they end up spending all the money stupidly, if they all fight and break up, if they all live there forever and never move out -- not your problem. Block everyone, do not do one more thing, and go to therapy. This is totally not working.

Why did you never marry?

Please find a good therapist who can help you figure out why you are willing to put up with such blatantly abusive behavior. You have value and should be treated as such. Please do the work to find your self esteem and be healthy enough fir a good relationship.

He isn't going to do any of that, and he is clearly more concerned about his relationship with them than he is about his relationship with you. You are not being unreasonable, but nagging someone who has shown you what they are is a waste of energy and then the other party gets to act like you are a harridan. Leave, go get the support you need. And the LAST thing you need when you have a newborn is a lot of extra people around (especially during Covid) who are using up your resources and not contributing.

Congratulations on your baby!!! Unfortunately, you are going to have to accept that your boyfriend is always going to put other people's feelings and needs above yours, as he has proven here. You are preparing for a family and he is not interested in your needs. So it is decision time -- he is not going to throw his friends out. If you do, what will be the consequences? Do you think he will hold it against you? Stop asking him to do something he isn't going to do -- you are wasting your precious energy. Either leave for someplace where you might get support (are your parents around?), kick them all out or kick the friends out. You also might want to think about, when you get the chance, whether you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about the fact that you will never be his priority. Is that the life you want? I am sure he will show more true colors after you give birth, so keep your eyes open and use your head. Good luck with the little one.

You don’t. That is not only a sure fire way to make sure he never speaks to you again, it is also not your place His life, his choices. Plus, you do not know everything about this relationship, you just think you do. Instead, get used to the fact that this is his life and you can keep him for a friend or not, that you can control. I would like to add that even usually healthy-minded people have huge anxiety over Covid, regardless of the situation.

Asking for help is NOT selfish and you should be a priority in your parents' lives whether they are married or not. Please ask for help immediately, this is important and so are you. Tell them now. Do not wait. And feel free to post here anytime, we are here to listen. But you need professional help immediately. Do not wait.

Interfaith marriages really do not work when both parties are very committed to their respective religions, because it just can't. In fact, I have never understood why committed people want to marry outside their faiths as it makes up such a big part of their beings and their daily lives. People with lower levels of commitment, or no commitment can make it work, as can marriages where one is committed and one is not, provided the one who is not is okay raising their child in the other partner's faith. I write this from knowing a lot of people in interfaith relationships -- and while the IDEA that you could raise your children in two religions and let them pick is tenable, the actual practice practically never works out that way and you end up with children raised one way or the other from early on. I know of one couple who raised their children with two faiths and to their surprise they ended up with children who thought religion was stupid because everything they saw was contradictory, consequently, they grew up to practice nothing, which is, in all cases, a possibility. While I am not incredibly observant I will say my religion and background is such a part of me that it never occurred to me to marry someone outside my faith -- it would have been very troublesome, and in some ways, exhausting to have to keep explaining things. And our daughter, also somewhat on and off in observance, makes it a big part of her identity and choices. But she could have ended up singing in airports, it's a crapshoot.

To add to Bolt’s thoughts — dumping your unhealthy thoughts all over your wife isn’t helping anything. Not a single thing. Get a therapist and work through this instead of saying you can’t seem to stop doing this.