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Posts posted by Belle

  1. It's hard to fraternize with exes and move forward when they're a constant reminder of why you ended up as exes with those exes. It just dredges up unpleasant memories so why go backwards? I thought the purpose of breakups was to leave exes behind and start a new life with a fresh start, a clean slate.


    Do what you want to do. Be friends with your exes as long as everyone is one big happy family. :friendly_wink:


    I can see what you mean about unpleasant memories. It’s been so long I had to read why we broke up. I don’t harbor the resentment I had back then and he wasn’t a bad guy. He just had some unhealthy defenses. I am awfully curious to see what’s happened in all of this time.

  2. Regarding exes and patterns... well, I think we're all on a sometimes topsy turvy journey and we have a vague idea of how things should go until they really go and then we aren't sure again where or what we're doing. And those short bursts of chaos are ok. I can't speak for anyone else but I stumbled along the path of this and that, not sure of up or down and must have appeared a lot like Chicken Licken along the way, wondering if the sky was falling. I'm still very sure I look like Chicken Licken some days.


    In this way, I suppose I've learned to let go and shift over to my present life and the people in it whom I love dearly and my husband whom I adore. Lately I'm feeling like this life is about giving as much of myself as I possibly can and in order to do that it takes a special kind of re-ordering or reorganization. I'm happy doing that and challenging myself towards more growth and more togetherness in my family.


    Thanks for sharing. The last paragraph really resonated. I get the impression that you understand where I’m at.

  3. Gosh there just so much going on here not sure where to start, the looking at rebounding as a viable and healthy option or the total hypocrisy...




    It’s almost like you were projecting your issues onto them...it’s interesting to see... our minds they can play tricks on us.


    What are your thoughts?


    Gosh there’s so much negativity in your post. Do you come here to be a Debbie downer and tell yourself you’re trying to help people?


    I’m dating and moving forward. I’m not in a relationship and until I find a healthy partner I will continue to date.


    I am thinking the projection is coming more from you. Ask yourself why you are so incensed that I dare date other people. Pretty unreasonable from my perspective

  4. Remember why you broke up in the first place, see if any changes have been made (on both sides). Although you're making it sound like you just want something to do, a distraction of sorts.


    I do remember why we broke up. Fortunately I wrote it here and went and found it before I decided to meet him. Don’t worry about me. I have no rose colored glasses for him. But he’s not a bad person to be friends with either.

  5. In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me. I am actually going to have drinks with the one before my ex fiancé. I am seeing it as catching up and a distraction. I have other dates lined up this week and next. It's feast or famine in dating.


    Regardless of all of these distractions, I can't help but recognize that I'm still attached to the guy that I dated last. I don't know if it's limerence or if he simply is just a better person than all of my exes. I wish he had made it easier for me to move on. Instead he pulled a d*** move by being unselfish. I'm still hooked. :/


    I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.

  6. OP -


    1) Realize that the quicker that you move through this obstacle, the closer you will move towards the right person for you.

    2) Don't take this personally. It doesn't matter if you were a rebound. Your inherent value did not disappear even if you were. Just try to learn the cues of a guy that is overly attentive because he might be in rebound mode.

    3) Don't spend your emotional capital on guys that aren't meant for you. You don't want to be worn out and cynical when the right guy shows up. The longer you waste grieving what's not supposed to be, the longer it takes you to find the right person. I don't know how old you are, but this is especially important if you want kids.

    4) Be thankful that he moved on, even if rejection hurts like a b***. This is his way of saying that you were missing an incompatibility and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. And you would have wasted time. God will give you something better than you thought you could choose for yourself, if you let go of those men that don't work out.

  7. Rose - I have definitely sharpened my radar for the guys that aren't really relationship material. Those that are capable, but not right now can be more challenging. You can see that they have an elevated level of emotional maturity but aren't ready to work for it yet.


    On another note, a guy I dated over 7 years ago that was emotionally unavailable, took a "break" and then came back only for me to tell him no is reaching out to me again. He was very good looking, successful, no kids and we had a lot in common. He was a year out of his divorce though and was in no way ready for a relationship. I'm curious to catch up with him. I suspect that it wasn't just his divorce that made him emotionally unavailable, but I guess I can talk to him and find out.


    This is the 5th "ex" (he was a short term so not technically an ex) that has reached out to me in the last year since I left my ex fiancé. 3 of them I hadn't heard from in 7-8 years, 2 over a decade. There must be a full moon for exes..

  8. Don’t settle! Put the intention in your heart that you are ready and open to meeting a man that has values that align with yours and commit to walking through whatever fears come up once you do meet him.


    I love this. The latter part is the hard part. Staying vulnerable when you might actually have something to lose because this one is different than the others.

  9. I don't think it's helpful to hear "your guy is out there, you just haven't found him yet." That is untrue. We are not guaranteed a relationship in this life and I can name plenty of women who died without ever finding "the one." I'm sure they were told repeatedly by well-meaning people that there was someone out there for them, but there was not.


    You are preaching to the choir waffle. Except I am not happy single. My one regret is that when I was younger I didn't date enough. I was a serial monogamist and after I ended a couple of relationships, I took 3 years to get over each. Then I would date to find someone (not dating a number of people to see who was most compatible.) Then i'd find that person didn't work either. Those were years that I should have been finding the father of my kids but I was overly sentimental and believed there was this stupid thing called "soul mate." So, so foolish. Also, I let work take over my life during the same period.

  10. Oh Belle...you think it's bad in your 40's....try 60's!!! I got divorced over 10 years ago....and there is no way that I thought I'd still be single at almost 65. I had always wanted to be happily married. Always. I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years....so I thought...yay! Now I can find 'the one'.


    Didn't happen...and I've pretty much thrown in the towel. Maybe if there was a larger pool of men. But the one's I've seen online...have been on there for 10 years...and the same old pictures too!!! lol -Pretty much sucks. I can find guys interested in me (a few...lol) but I'm not feeling it back! The meetups I go to....are 85 percent women!!! Men at this age are just old....and really....I agree....if they are great husband material...they've been married since their 20's and 30's!!!


    Ok now you're scaring. You make me want to run back to the last guy I dated. i hope you're at least making friends at the meetups. :)

  11. To be honest, I didn't really find it worse dating in my late 30s from dating in my 20s. Different? Sure. But I don't see it like some of these other posters do, like all the good guys were gobbled up and locked down in their 20s. And I don't think baggage got worse either.

    Then again, I'm not someone who ever thought marriage or having kids is any sort of indication of the maturity and character of a person. People are always in flux, going on their own little personal internal journeys, and age isn't the major factor in availability. Where that person is personally and how they compliment or clash with you is what it's all about at any age.

    Throw out these preconceptions about yourself and the men in the dating pool. You didn't miss some boat that takes off only once and that's it. People get on and off all the time, with different suitcases, that's all.


    I found dating in my 20's much easier and a lot more fun than in my 30's or 40's. The guys were better looking, in shape and had lots of hair. lol


    I don't think I missed the boat. Some others here seem to think so but I'm not convinced. There are a lot of single people out there. It is unfortunate that it appears that there are a lot of single people that aren't necessarily capable of or want to have healthy relationships. That's what is dismaying.

  12. Rose - I feel lucky that so far, it's been pretty obvious. One guy tried to argue me out of wanting to get married again. I thought, perhaps you should find a woman who doesn't want to get married again. Others can show high attraction but lack warmth (avoidant never married's). Highly introverted guys who can't hold a conversation and don't seem interested in human interaction. One guy still very angry at his ex wife. I'm glad they wear they have worn their red flags on their sleeves.


    I'm not expecting baggage free. I just want someone who has worked through their stuff and is capable of having a healthy relationship. Ok, that's not all I want but that's the starter.

  13. Hi Mirror -


    I've noticed a large flux of divorced men (and never married) since dating again. I expected it to be a dessert but it's been the opposite.


    My ex was a man whose wife cheated on him, but it turned out that he wasn't the stable/successful/decent man I thought him to be. But I did consider him because I figured he had probably learned something from his marriage and wasn't the one that caused the divorce. I was wrong. I turned down a widower a long time ago (he was older) because he was trying to use me to fill the void and he never really quite got over her. You cannot compete with a dead woman.


    Agreed. Most of the guys I have met recently online (and one offline) had issues. If I thought it was a numbers game before, it is even more so now.

  14. When he tries to debate or analyze the cost of something, just say thank you and buy what you please.


    I am pretty conservative with my finances, but my boyfriend is a little like yours. I don't need his permission and though it sometimes irks me (a little like you) I choose my battles and honestly, if want to spend $7 on an ice cream, I will. My boyfriend knows this. It's his choice to walk another block to get his own.


    Just try to shake it off and be thankful he's not the extreme opposite. I was married to a debt'ohlic, so I remind myself that this much more preferable, any day.


    I think this is great advice. I am also conservative with my finances. However, I don't think I go to the extremes that your bf does. I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water though. You can influence him to loosen up. Until then, do what you want if you're paying. And the worse problem is someone who is a spendthrift or someone who doesn't have good financial sense. Even when they make a lot of money, they aren't good at maximizing its potential and it doesn't stick around long.

  15. I also have a best friend who started dating a woman shortly after he separated from his first wife; they’re now married, years in, solid. Had she posted here at the start I’m sure most people would have told her she’s nuts. But she wasn’t posting here because, well, they worked.


    One thing to think about: I think it’s best to get involved with people where, for whatever reason, we aren’t “scared” of what might happen. For instance, I’ve dated women who, upon meeting me, quickly project certain fears: namely that I may run off at any moment, since I own homes in a few cities. And that dialogue kind of becomes part of the courtship—kind of spicy, very limited. I’d find myself almost playing off that energy, thinking of myself as the dangerous nomad rather than, you know, a dude with a life interested in a partner.


    Not saying you did that, but it does sound like you were on red alert due to his situation while still proceeding. It’s easy to build heat and connection—chemistry—from “will you hurt me” tension but it’s rarely sustainable, rarely the road to the deeper calm of connection.


    I also know a couple that started out dating during the separation from one of my friends. They have 2 kids and have been together since. But that's not the norm.


    I hear you on the energy that goes with this. I prefer a guy that is stable and boring. If he weren't in this situation, I believe he'd be that guy. I was on red alert after the kid drop off. That felt pretty bad. I know that if we did decide to try again and there was more of that, I'd have to call it a day. Life is too short for other people's drama.

  16. But it sure is nice when, after the person who you thought you'd be with for life rejects you (or you find out you made the wrong choice), someone else comes along who makes you feel good about yourself again.


    So I don't think it's necessarily that he made the decision to "use" you. He just may have realized he was spending time with you for the wrong reasons. None of those reasons were that he was wanting sex.


    Yeah. Attention is nice when you're getting divorced or are recently divorced. I myself rebounded after my divorce. I never did again afterwards though. It prevented healing.

  17. I think it depends what your tolerance levels are and each individual's tastes (where we are at in life). You're entitled to your opinion about individuals going through a divorce but it may sound incendiary and come across as offensive not only to people who may be going through a divorce (are separated and dating) or people who have done so in their past and come out just fine, happy, well-balanced and productive in new relationships (I'm referring specifically to your post #30, last paragraph).


    In the end, people are just doing their thing. The only person that's got the chip hanging around on their shoulder is you because you seem upset and bitter and are now prone to making large generalizations about a group of people.


    You're right. I shouldn't be saying everyone/no one always or never. But many of the posts here have, so I am feeling pressured to adopt that mindset. I don't think I should have dated a separated man, however. I do not think that separated people are nefarious, morally bankrupt people for wanting to date others. I do judge those that think that it's ok to use others to rebound with when they are not in a position to participate. There's a distinction. It was my job to avoid the possibility of being a rebound. I'm not bitter about him. I think he's a good guy, despite the assumptions that some are making on here about him. I could be wrong. I only knew him a few months. But I am clearly scared that the way he treated me would continue if we dated again after his divorce.

  18. If that's not the case, then he's not got visitation etc ironed out with the courts and that in itself could be a problem with a relationship going forward.


    Thanks Thatwas. I meant if the person was divorced. I will never consider another separated man. If I didn't know his friend, I would have never done it.


    He didn't have visitation ironed out. Two of his kids are teenagers and have their own lives and didn't like staying at his house. His wife was trying to overcompensate by having them spend every weekend with him towards the end. I'm assuming this is true. I found him to be overly transparent because of the situation, so I don' t have a reason to think he's lying.

  19. However, when he let me go knowing that he couldn't give me what I needed, I do feel he was sincerely selfless. He didn't want to but it hurt him to see what he was putting me through. I don't see men doing things like this. Ever. He picked up some bonus man points.


    You're assuming this, I believe, naively. My take? He didn't get the sex he wanted, and on top of that, had to deal with the drama of a woman who was pressuring him for what he chose not to give. The payoff of his efforts never resulted in the outcome he desired.


    I'm not being naive. It doesn't make sense for a guy to wait 3 months for sex (and willing to wait 6 more) if he was just using me. He came back to have a conversation and apologize and admit that he wasn't available to be in a relationship with what he has going on. I know that people want to be protective, but guys that use women for sex are actually getting it. I didn't pressure him. When I realized that I wasn't going to get my needs met I broke up with him.

  20. So, I hate to tell you this, but even after divorce, he may not treat you right (he has not been treating you right). Since you met during this period of his life, there is a high chance things will be still be rough or that he would drop you out of the blue.


    I would strongly suggest dating other men.


    Just because a person is single or divorced does not mean they are ready for a relationship. And it's not like the Hollywood movies - you get one chance at love per-person.


    I have a date tomorrow with someone that's been divorced for 2 years. He has no ties to his ex.


    And agreed, the separated man wasn't treating me right. This is why I am reconsidering the future. There is no way to know that he'll treat me any different. I feel that once you set the tone early on in the relationship, it's hard to change the pattern. But I have seen guys take women for granted that get dumped and then get their act together. But there's all of the baggage.

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