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Belle

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Everything posted by Belle

  1. Belle
    Interesting post Kellbell. It explains a lot about an obsession I had that I had no idea I was capable of, several years ago.
  2. Belle
    Ericson, I may be in the minority, but I like that kind of guy. Except maybe the bland part. I don't like fighting with significant others, so as long as the guy can stand up for himself (I didn't necessarily read into your description as someone who had no backbone) in the event that I am wrong or crossing a boundary, I think things are great. I dont' like a yes man, but I do like someone who is laid back and easy to be with.
  3. Belle
    I find it interesting that this made its way to the Getting back together forum. When I watched it, I realized that I wanted to bring something better in my life. Since my ex hurt me, I was pretty sure that's not what I wanted back. It was teh catalyst for moving completely forward. That being said, I had heard about teh laws of attraction years ago. I started using more positive energy and goal setting, and it has made ALL the difference. It's worked ridiculously well in my career and to a lesser extent my social life (mostly because I've focused more on setting goals for a career than I have getting a boyfriend). It's brought a lot more to my life than I ever had before. Could it bring back an ex? Not sure but I don't know that they're meant to be brought back. I just believe that if you know what you want and you're happy about yourself, you're going to attract more of what you want. It's pretty simple stuff and it works. I recommend it.
  4. Belle
    If you've done all of this and he's still lashing out, I don't recommend a letter. I wasn't aware you'd taken big strides to admit culpability. If he's still highly resistant (euphemism) to your attempts to try to compensate for the hurt you caused him, maybe you should let it go. I would only recommend continuing to try to prove yourself to someone when they seem open to it, if fearful. But you've laid it out on the line and his response is pretty harsh. Now he needs to learn to live with his decision.
  5. Belle
    thank you Sanns. I do try to compliment her to promote positive interaction. I'll do more and see if it has any effect. Thanks for being honest so I can see how she might feel.
  6. Belle
    If he's 52 and he acts like this, there's no changing. I'm glad, though, that you are early on realizing that you will be happier without him. You can do better. Being alone and happy is better than being with an unstable person. If you feel pretty good now, in a few months you'll feel even better. I promise.
  7. Belle
    Anger is good. Hopefully it'll keep you resolute. Everything he's doing \now is going to reinforce your feelings that it wasn't going to work out. There's nothing worse than a passive aggressive male. It's like being with a woman.
  8. Belle
    Being happy with yourself is a really good start. If you treat yourself well and you feel good, your energy is going to attract like energy. Smile at people. Talk to random strangers on occasion. I like joking with strangers. It disarms them and seeing someone that's a little shy smile and feel good makes me feel good. And it's a vicious cycle. You make them feel good, you feel good and you want to be friendly with others...
  9. Belle
    One of my longest relationships has been with my friend, T. We've had long periods of not speaking to each other after particular incidents. They're not really fights since I never really speak up and tell her how I feel, I simply withdraw. Essentially, the problem is that T really likes to nag constantly. She reminds me of my father, who is super negative and even calls his girlfriend stupid. I get tired of the both of them. Unfortunately, I have to deal with my dad. I just go small doses now. With my friend T, however, I don't have such a tie. I have felt closer to her than my own sisters because she's a very loyal and giving person. She's one of teh most giving people I know. I trust her and I know she trusts me. But part of the bargain is her negativity. It can get almost absurd. She's highly insecure and very competitive with me. We met at a job a decade ago and were competitive with each other. Now that she's a house wife and I'm doing really well in my career, she's still competitive. And she's always been competitive with men as well. I get a lot of attention from men and this really bothers her as she's insecure about her looks. So she goes out of her way to chip at me for not being in a settled relationship. It's not out of concern. It's a jab to make herself feel better since she "caught" her husband. The list is endless of the absurdities. I want to talk about these things to her to salvage the relationship. I know it's doomed to failure because frankly, I've had about all I can take. She has a problem and her problem is the need to fix everyone around her whether they need it or not. And a side effect is to put me down to make herself feel better about her life. If I talk to her about it, though, I'm afraid of the response. She's one of the least self aware people I know but believes she knows everything. This is a really tough combination. It means they never see anything logical that's pointed out to them. I really don't want to lose her, but I can't change her. And I can't live with the way things are because it brings me down. Any advice?
  10. Belle
    Aero, I think you've gotten quite a bit of good advice here. I can totally relate to your ex. And I think that you're looking at things strictly from your point of view, your hurts, your needs. That's a bit selfish. The fact that he was still very angry with you in October, after 4 months post breakup, belies the hurt you caused him. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have bothered being angry. I think you're right. I believe he probably still does love you. Anger tends to be a tell tale sign. But his stubborness isn't what you think. He's afraid of you. And for good reason. I understand that you just needed some time to yourself to figure things out. But some people don't handle the same information the same way. Some would give you teh space you need and withdraw peacefully. They would hurt and grieve. Maybe they'd give it another chance. Maybe not. But he was very hurt. It sounds like this came out of left field for him. You hurt him, wounded his pride, and I do not get the impression that you have acknowledged this to him. I think one last shot via letter to validate his feelings and let him know that you truly are sorry that you've caused him pain would be a really good idea. It works more than being defensive that the person is immature for not giving you what you want. If you want to change the way the communication is going (NC in your case is going absolutely nowhere), you're going to have to set an example and DISARM this guy. If that means being vulnerable and apologetic, so be it. Whatever you write, make sure it's non inflammatory, accepts responsibility for everything, yes everything (later if he gets it through his head, he'll apologize for treating you poorly, I promise) and validates how he feels. It's pretty hard to be defensive and angry at someone who does these things. ANd I believe he's defensive and angry with you because you come accross even in your post as not accepting responsibility for hurting him. He can smell it too and it's just ticking him off more. And if he's still angry, you've done what you needed to do to be able to move on. But I would use NC only when you know it's over. I don't believe NC applies here.
  11. Belle
    I think you want what you can't have. There was a big spark with this new girl because she never really cared about you and that seems to be an aphrodisiac for a lot of people. The more you wanted her, the less she wanted you. The less she wanted you, the more you wanted her. You're going to run into this again until you realize the cause. Wanting what you can't have is a losing proposition. Yes, you may feel like there's some cosmic connection, that this person is going to fulfill every need and validate you if they'll just give you their love, but it doesn't happen that way. Too much interest on one side always brings about the opposite effect on another person.
  12. Belle
    I think you did a good thing for yourself and your daughter. Now neither of you have to put up with someone so assanine. I think his excuse about losing his temper because he was afraid was nonsense. If he could treat you this poorly over nothing, he's not a keeper. He's a manipuative and emotionally unstable person. Maybe he was hoping to provoke the fights to get out. Even a better reason to let him go. He can't behave like an adult and tell you that he's worried or maybe needs time to himself. He'd rather emotionally abuse you and make you feel like you've done something wrong so he can avoid feeling bad about himself. Bravo. Find someone who creates less drama.
  13. Belle
    I don't believe in chasing after guys. However, I think that you need to change your attitude to attract teh right guys to you. It's hard, but if you feel confident that it's going to happen, you're going to send out more positive vibes. And that's when things get started. Every time I felt really good about my life and the prospects, it starts to rain men. Granted, I haven't found the right one. However, I get nothing when I'm disappointed and jaded about running into a bunch of guys that don't have their act together. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good. And get out there and learn how to be more outgoing. It's really tough at first, but gets easier with practice. And you meet a lot of great people that you wouldn't have had you stayed at home.
  14. Belle
    I don't have guy friends that I cuddle with. I'm either interested or I'm not. That's too intimate for my buddies. I think there's some level of interest on her side, so go for it. That being said, don't put her on a pedestal. This could backfire, big. You will end up doing too much to please her and this will turn her off. I promise you that. THe very least is she'll take you for granted. You want to be on equal footing. Treat her well, but remain slightly aloof for as long as possible. Take a look at Love Tactics. I think it's right down your alley.
  15. Belle
    I think you just need support. You already know teh answers. He's baiting you in a passive aggressive way. He misses you, but doesn't want things to change so he's hoping he can get a fix, if you let him. If you're shaking at the thought of contact, you are nowhere near ready to talk to have contact with him. You may want to consider taking him off your contact list and going invisible to him. Later on, much later on, you can change that if you'd like. But for now, I think you just need to take care of yourself until you've gotten over it. Courage.
  16. Belle
    It goes to show that as you sow, so shall you reap. But try not to rub it in. She already knows she screwed up.
  17. Belle
    Tony, I don't think you made a mistake in this case. It sounds like you wanted to try to make up for something you did that may have pushed her away. You're only going to get resolution by communicating to her that you understand where you went wrong and leave it in her hands. Unfortunately, it's probably too soon for her to even be open to it. Now you know she's not interested so you have a sense of closure. You wouldn't have had you not discussed it. Now you can move on.
  18. Belle
    bogs, The girl is emotional, but I wouldn't say from your original post that she was unstable. I think that you were both negotiating with reality when you think that you can sleep together, hang out all of the time and have something super casual. Women don't really do that well. Some women pretend they can do it, but they don't. And honestly, not that many men can either. If you have casual sex, you can't really keep going back without getting attached. The problem is that she's realizing she's getting attached and she's upset. You talking about dumping her is pretty insensitive. You sound like a jerk. Yes, she screwe4d up by stopping the pill without telling you. But the both of you are screwing up together in my opinion. My advice is to stop thinking you can do casual and get off scot free. There will most often be collateral damage.
  19. Belle
    I don't know. I think the guy from the original post could have done worse to never ask the insecure question and just use the woman without any real expectation of having a future. Sounds like as maladroit as he was to ask it (and yes, I think it was insulting), he probably was concerned. I have seen a lot of guys that got dumped by their wives the moment they went bankrupt or lost a really lucrative job. It's similar to the man who leaves his wife for a younger woman. These people use until they've gotten everything they wanted. If you look at it from teh guy's perspective, he may be sincerely interested in pursuing something but wants the real deal. I think it's easy to see one side of the coin until you're on the other side. Women now have to deal with the same problem but fortunately or unfortunately, men are more motivated by chemistry and youthfulness than they are money. They don't appear to make the best gold diggers.
  20. Belle
    Something about this doesn't quite ring true. I think you're trying to convince yourself that you're cool with casual but your emotions aren't letting you kid yourself. Most women aren't cool with casual. And when I say most, I mean I've only met one woman in my life that was supremely confident with it and really couldn't care less when she slept with someone. Besides, I believe that if you were really cool with it, you'd understand that it would be natural for him to lie so as not to hurt you. Especially since your'e not exclusive and he doesn't owe you a full explanation.
  21. Belle
    Tristan, It sounds like you may never get back those feelings. She may have obliterated your trust and it feels like you don't look at her the same way. You're just going to have to ride it out and see how you feel down the ride. It could change. At least your'e giving it a shot. Some of my friends never understood how I couldn't give the love of my life a second chance. He let me go. Although he didn't break up with me, he was responsible for our breakup. When he came back around realizing what he had lost, I had lost teh feelings. I had told him we'd probably never find what we had with anyone else. I loved him more than I loved anyone. And I love him still for everything positive and good that he brought to my life. But I guess I lost respect for him that he could take for granted what we had and realized that we weren't so joined together as I thought. It still plays in the mind that if someone could let you go so easily the first time, what's to stop them from doing it again? Give it a shot and trust your gut. You'll figure it out when teh time is right.
  22. Belle
    Sooooo true. Once the pattern has been established, there's not a lot of changing it. People are creatures of habit due to laziness. And habits are pretty hard to break. Unstable people make good housepets but they do not make good relationships. Just because it didn't work out with the other girl, don't go looking to the past for the answers.
  23. Belle
    thanks laboheme. I needed to know that I was right in the actions I took. I have to realize that sometimes women (my friend) can get very touchy feely about things that are fairly black and white. It didn't matter why he lied, he lied. And then he left. I don't know if the two of them are in contact, I think I should have asked. Especially since she brought him up out of the blue. I can file it back where it belongs. I did the right thing.
  24. Belle
    It's been 6-7 months since my ex and I last spoke to each other and I have moved on. But at some point, I knew that I would have the "talk" with the mutual friends that set us up on why it didn't work out. They've been really good about not bringing it up before now because they figured I didn't need to think about it. I guess I still wasn't ready for what one of them had to say. The night I told my ex to leave me alone and never call me again, the husband of the girl who set us up told me he was worried about me and thought I shouldn't continue with the ex. He said he didn't like or trust him. He's intensely loyal to me because of something I did for him in the past. I think he disliked the ex because he knew he was hurting me. The wife told me last night that my ex kept coming back because he wanted to see if he was making the right choice before he left the state. She said the reason he kept buttering me up and laying it on thick is because when I broke up with him the second time I told him he wasn't putting his all into figuring out if we had a chance which meant we had no chance and he'd already made up his mind to leave even though he kept saying differently. He thought if he courted me and put everything into it that I'd give him another chance so he could figure out what he needed to do. He already asked if I would go with him and knew there was no way I would. I told him to leave me alone because I thought he wanted what he couldn't have. That he wanted to get laid one last time before he left in a few months. I don't know if I believe my friend, that he was giving it one last shot and was hoping to reconcile. It hurts to think that I may have taken too hard lined of an approach when he was trying to give me what he thought I needed. One point that she and I both agreed on is that my ex was unstable at best. That he doesn't have a clue as to what he's doing in his life. Although she's on my side, she still cares about him and believes he's a really good person. That kind of hurt to hear. I wanted her to say the things I needed to hear. He's an and he screwed up. She thinks he screwed up but had the best of intentions. I disagree. Someone that will lie to you about their plans to get what they want out of a relationship doesn't care about the persno they're lying to. They care about what they need more than anything. So I have these leftover emotions and information that doens't add up to what I had already filed away. He was able to leave me. Isn't that the important part?
  25. Belle
    I'm with Chigal. Try that for a month or so and if it doesn't work, there's nothing left to do but Superdave's plan B. As long as you do all of the work in the relationship, someone is going to let you. Stop, and it'll force htem to take the reigns or not. But telling him is going in one ear and out the other.
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