DancingFool

Most people are not into drugs......sooo....if you find yourself only meeting those who are doing drugs, you are the common denominator. Put it simply, either you are looking in the wrong places or your picker is broken in some way. If you are into fitness, it shouldn't be hard to meet women who are into the same. However, it does mean that you might need to expand your horizons beyond just working out at the gym and joining into other type of activities that include women, such as co-ed sports. The easiest way to meet those who are like minded is to join co-ed groups. In short, don't just hang out with your buddies or just go to the gym, because that is a limited life that doesn't expose you beyond your usual circle of people. Try to expand your horizons through the things you already like and you'll find someone who is less into partying and more into working out.

You don't. You simply move on from them. Never waste your time telling someone off. They know what they are doing and they don't care. It's on you to understand that and walk away sooner rather than later. At the end of the day, nobody can string you along or breadcrumb you without your permission and active participation. Overall, you'll save yourself a lot of grief if you learn the simple principle that if it's not an enthusiastic YES! then it's a NO. If you have to cajole her, you are wasting your time. Look for a woman who actually wants you as much as you want her and when you meet her, you'll find that dating her is easy and fun rather than pain and drama.

When intrusive, obsessive thoughts like this get to a point where it's affecting the quality of your life and relationships with people, it's time to seek professional help. On that note, undiagnosed and untreated issues get worse with age, which is exactly what you are experiencing. Please get proper help as this is well beyond the scope of well meaning chat boards.

....Extremely..... Not only are you ignoring a forest of red flags, you have flashing neon danger signs punching you in the face and you are still playing ignorant. Does it really not occur to you that the reason his marriage is a shambles (allegedly) is because he is a chronic sleazy cheater? Do you really not get that the reason he got his wife back is because he did exactly what millions of creeps like him do the world over - beg and cry and plead and promise that he is a changed man who will never cheat on her again? Of course now that she bought the lie he is right back to it with you and others. Do you really not understand that you aren't a special snowflake but rather a perfect victim to a predatory creep who can see a mile away that you are desperately thirsty and willing to do anything....not to mention that you seem to have lost your moral compass and common sense completely? Sweetie.....go take a long cold shower and buy a d$ldo and once that battery runs out....see if you still see this creep as your soulmate. My bet is you won't. Put it simply, get your head out of arse before you destroy your life.

Why now all of a sudden? Five years of silence is a very long time...... Anyway, he was a friend, so you could always just reach out and see how he is. That's not meddling in anything. Worst that can happen is he'll ignore you or be temporarily excited to catch up and then fade out. Then again, maybe he needs a friend since his marriage sounds abusive. It's only meddling if you actually start meddling in his life rather than treating him as a friend.

That makes perfect sense since you are both a very important friend to her husband and also one she hasn't actually met, been able to develop a relationship with and doesn't know at all really. To her, you are a complete stranger for all means and purposes. So, consider a more bening perspective that she was heavily prego, stressed, lots of stuff goes on those last days and did not want the pressure of this visit/meeting in the state she was in. Even if she was being passive aggressive about it, it's forgivable and doesn't mean she is some monster. I think your own guilt is playing heavily into this in terms of missing the wedding because you were sick. Why do you feel such guilt over something that could not be helped? Something to deal with internally. Also, probably best that you do accept the simple reality that this trip was poorly timed, including the whole last hurrah theme about it. Don't throw away your friendship. Do get a grip on your emotions. If you do plan to visit them, plan better and opt to stay in a hotel so you don't burden them even if they invite you to stay at their home. That will give all of you a safe zone of sorts to both connect, reconnect and also have some space. After all, you haven't seen your friend in person for years and you are a total stranger to his wife.

Leases have out clauses in case of domestic violence/abuse type situation. Read your lease and talk to your landlord and let them know that you need to terminate and get out of the lease on those grounds. However, don't approach that until you have a safe place lined up. Also, call an abuse hotline for additional assistance and information on how to leave the dangerous situation you are in. You'll get constructive practical advice for free on how to handle things. Yes, that does mean quietly finding a new place. Making sure he doesn't know where you go. Leaving when he isn't around. Quietly get important documents out of the place and take them to someone you trust for safekeeping, preferably someone he doesn't know. Be sure he doesn't notice. Once you do leave him, be sure you block all communication so you don't keep falling back into this toxic on/off again mess. Also, sit yourself down and figure out why you are so desperate to be with a man, any man, no matter how abusive he is. Why are you willing to put up with drugs and abuse just to call yourself Mrs???? Especially so, since this isn't your first rodeo choosing badly and ending up in a toxic relationship. You need to fix yourself and what's driving these decisions within you. Do not date, do not get involved with anyone until you actually sort yourself out properly and fix your picker for good.

It's not very "devoted Christian" or simply not very decent to be in a relationship with one woman and also seek to be emotionally close to another woman at work, considering that he started getting more close to you while still dating someone else. I think you might want to remove those blinkers from your eyes about him and how you see him. He is just a man and one who is crossing some boundaries and raising some potential red flags. Basically, I agree with @Andrina that statements like he would be gutted or you are his #1 are quite dramatic and intense and not in a good or desirable kind of way. If you like your job and do not wish to end up in a messy work relationship drama, I'd quietly pull way back from this and keep things strictly professional going forward. Reduce contact and keep to work talk only.

OK, I still stand by what I said that she is messing you about and that you are too old to be this gullible. This young woman clearly has issues and should be single and getting herself sorted out instead of playing dangerous games with various men that are way too old for her. She is still very much toxic and as such is making toxic decisions for herself. The better question is why are you still involved? Don't play Capt'n-save-a-ho.

Sounds like she is messing about with you for sh$ts and giggles. Consider that the guy blowing up her phone wasn't so much a crazy ex but rather that she was leading him on and messing him about same way she is doing to you now. You've literally stepped into the dude's shoes. Methinks you are a bit too old to be so gullible. Drop her and move on.

Like I said, when a situation leaves you feeling like that, it's your giant clue that you need to walk away. You are feeling like that because your gut won't stop ringing alarm bells no matter how much you try to silence them. Again, always listen to your gut instinct because it's never wrong. As for her ex, it's not that she wants to be with him exclusively or directly, it's that she enjoys playing you and him against each other and getting attention from both. This is what toxic looks like, along with the anxiety and exhaustion you are feeling. As for being on a break, there are no breaks in relationships. Either you are together or you are broken up. Being on a break is just adding more confusion and dysfunction to an already dysfunctional situation. So is the ongoing contact between you. Just break up and stop the contact. Reason for stopping all contact is that once you do that, yes it will feel bad for a bit, but after some time it gives you a chance to calm down and see things rationally, rather than boiling in emotions all the time. Continuing to talk is like constantly peeling your scab off, so your wound never heals and eventually starts to fester. In relationship terms, this constant contact is preventing you from healing, moving on, and eventually meeting someone better suited for you. A huge part of finding the right partner is your capacity to weed out the wrong ones quickly and cleanly. That does mean, unfortunately, that while you date, you will probably end up having some bad experiences like this one. The key is to listen to your instincts and walk away sooner rather than later.

OP, when you find yourself in a situation where you are doing all kinds of fancy mental gymnastics trying to convince yourself that your partner is good and honest, but you still cannot shake off that icky sick feeling in your stomach..... Listen to your gut and walk away. Healthy relationships do not ever involve this kind of drama. She didn't lie to protect you, she lied to protect herself. Mainly because if you and this guy had met, it would have likely come out pretty fast that there is a lot more between them and that a lot of the bad things she has said about him were made up lies. Also, you likely would have discovered that she has said terrible things about you to him. Consider how willing he was to play along with her request. In his mind, it was her and him against you. Logically, she had to have made you out to be crazy long before this incident. Beware of people who badmouth their ex's because they'll badmouth you too. It's a huge red flag. It's also a manipulative kind of behavior. Bottom line is she is playing you and him both and loving the attention. This is where you need to set aside your emotions, think rationally, and realize that this entire situation is not normal, not OK and not something you should be participating in. In your shoes, I'd set her free yesterday.

Dating is like that. If you aren't attracted, you aren't attracted. You can't have a romantic relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. You wouldn't mind if she jumped you but ..... that's callous.... Don't ask her for another date and move on to other women. Try to get out of your head a little bit. Less judgmental, more just go see how things are in real life. Most matches you meet will not be a good match. Dating is a marathon not a sprint.

When you choose to allow and accept that, then it absolutely IS your responsibility to reciprocate and pay them back. If you don't like that, then STOP using them to benefit yourself and start paying contractors to get the work done instead and buy your own stuff with your own money. Problem solved.

That's because he was literally besotted with her and didn't give a flying rat's rear end about you, your relationship, or any consequences at all. In short, he didn't think he'd ever get caught. If you stay with him, you are literally accepting a cheating partner because I can guarantee you that there will be another "jezebel" and another and so on. Some you might find out about, others probably not. After getting caught, cheaters get more clever and more careful. Of course, he will always be the helpless victim because....you know.....she decided she wants him...the jezebel with magic superpowers he, a mere mortal man, couldn't resist. OP, it's hard and shocking to deal with betrayal from a partner but please don't start betraying yourself and lying to yourself about who it is you are shacking up with. He is a liar and a loser and this won't be your first tango with him cheating on you and probably already isn't the first. It's just one he got caught in. Cheaters don't suddenly wake up and grow a different set of values and character, although they are very very good at playing the victim and lying and convincing you to be the fool who keeps giving more chances. He isn't chasing you because he cares, only because it's hard to find another woman who will buy his bs like you are doing.

You can't really be anyone else. Maybe a more constructive way to look at is that you are currently not happy with your life and would like to improve it. So, sit down and start a list of concrete things you can do, short term and long term, that would make your life more fulfilling and happier that do not include your family. This is a major communication issue on your end. If you ask a person for their opinion/input, then you listen politely, take whatever bits of advice that work for you and disregard the rest. If you find that the input is just not for you, then you again thank them for their input and then go do whatever actually works for you. What you don't do, is ask for someone's opinion and then start debating and arguing with them because their opinion doesn't match yours. Literally anyone would get frustrated with you in this situation. As for approval, the only person who has to approve of your choices is YOU. You are the one who has to live with the consequences of YOUR decisions. Nobody else. The sooner you grasp that, the easier your life will become. Your mother isn't blaming you, she is stating facts and facts are not insults. Even as a 30 year old adult, you are choosing to spend more time with your mother than on developing friendships and socializing with your own age group. There is nobody to blame here and no right or wrong really. These are just the choices you are actively making and the consequences you are living with. If you don't like how that's going, then see above. Start making a concrete list on how to improve the quality of your life and start taking concrete action to make it happen. Ultimately, you need to stop blaming your parents and start dealing with your personal extreme insecurities and learning how to become a stronger, calmer, more grounded, more independent person. This is your personal journey and nothing to do with your mother. On that note, fixating on "fixing" your parents is you avoiding dealing with yourself and your actual personal issues. The only one you can ever fix is yourself, so stop playing avoidance games and get on with the real job at hand - working on yourself.

I think you are jumping way way ahead of yourself here. You seem to have some kind of a romantic interest in her, however she likely doesn't see you as anything more than a childhood pal. You also caught her in a time when she is moving and her mind is entirely somewhere else. Romance is the last thing on her mind at the moment. As for venting to you, please don't read something special into that. Women freely vent to each other all the time. It's not special. Giving her that gift was certainly a sweet gesture and once her life has settled in a bit, she might well reach out to you. Then again, she might simply move on with her life and never follow through and focus on making new friends where she is. After all, you have been out of touch for years and but for a brief catch up during an anxious moment for her, there isn't much there between you at this point. Give her time to actually settle in, but don't hold your breath that she'll ever reach out to you. If you still want to pursue something, then maybe reach out to her again once you've moved yourself. However, be very very clear with her about your intentions up front. Meaning, don't pretend to be a friend just looking to catch up when your real interest is something more. Be honest and upfront and give her a chance to be honest with you in whether or not she has any interest in you that way or not at all. It will save you a lot of grief and wasted time on nothing.

It's good advice if you want to stay single for life. It's literally the worst advice ever if you actually want a healthy relationship. Just reading your posts and responses, the detrimental effect of reading that nonsense is palpable. Starting with the idea that you have to obtain some cliche attributes in order to "get" a woman as if women are some mindless robots rather than living breathing human beings with their own life and interests. So, drop the idea that you have to become some other type of person or that women are only attracted to one type of man. That's bs. I've never been into men who are bulky for example and never will be. So if you go to the gym to bulk up, you'll miss out on women like me who would have liked you as you are, but won't be interested in a gym rat downing protein shakes trying to become a different body type. Same goes for your hobbies. If you like gaming and geeky stuff, there are literally millions of women out there who are into the same things. Where you need to step up is start joining groups where you get to meet like minded people and start making friends and being more social. Multiplayer games are full of women and I know of many couples who have met via gaming and are now married, have kids, etc. Rather than asking yourself what do you need to change to get a woman, you need to ask a completely different question - where can I meet women who are like me and into things that I like? Then go join those groups. Not just hunting for a date, but rather to warm up to making friends and socializing. After all, socializing, connecting with people is a learned skill. Some people are much more natural at it, others less so. Everyone is capable though. To have a health relationship, you need to learn to see and treat women as human beings rather than as a thing that you obtain if you do a, b, c or pretend to be x, y, and z. The latter is what makes all those sites and so called dating gurus so utterly toxic. All they are doing is telling you that you are not good enough and must become someone else, which does nothing more than lower your self esteem and leave you feeling inadequate when in reality, you are just fine.

From what you are describing, your husband needs serious medical intervention asap. This is not a situation that can be helped with some fresh air, friends, and therapy. I'd go talk to your GP and find out what you can do and how to go about it. If they don't know, they likely have resources they can point you to so you can get help on the how to's. As for his family, how well do you know them? Are they the type to step up and help and possibly even come over to assist? Or are they the type to deny and ridicule mental health issues and make the situation worse? Even if your friends are scattered around the country, do you have anyone you can call on to come and support you and help you for a few days?

Meeting friends is not a red flag at all. In fact it's a great opportunity for you to see just what kind of people he hangs out with because that can say a lot about him as a person. People tend to befriend those who are like them. On that note, if you all get along that's great. If you don't get along with his friends or find that you don't like them as people, now that might be a warning flag to you that you and him aren't quite as compatible as you may have thought initially. That said, I think you need to adjust yourself to stop trying to read signs and assign meanings that aren't there. Including you into his social life is just that. It is not a sign of anything more and doesn't guarantee that your relationship will last or be a good one. The two things are not connected and trying to connect them will backfire on you.

Personally, I think your gf is a quick thinker. She had a little too much fun and acted like a single lady, things went way too far, she woke up, sobered up and realized that she is neck deep in manure...especially with a pal who is going to post this night on social media that you are likely to see and have major questions about........ So to answer your question, what kind of a person gets black out drunk and puts themselves in a bad situation? Anyone can be having fun, lose track and end up having one too many. Nobody is immune to that and there is no character judgment on that. The more concerning part is that she was acting single long before she reached that point. The bigger issue may be simply that she is not yet done sowing her wild oats and therefore shouldn't be in a serious relationship with anyone because she is not yet ready for that whether she wants to admit it or not.

Don't treat this like you are dating where you have to have some kind of a confrontation and "break up". Friendships usually just fade out over time. Busy, so so busy, maybe later....and eventually you stop talking or hanging out. Learn to be vague with him like "yeah man, sorry things have been hectic....still are...no time to party.....catch ya later". Next time he reaches out, again with the things are sooo crazy, can't talk, gotta go. This way you are not directly rejecting him but rather weaning him off of you so he can go fixate on someone else. This is exactly the sort of a situation where you need to fade out.

OP, how do you figure that a used pregnancy box from three years ago would suddenly end up under your bed today? Do you honestly think that she just hung on to the trash for years instead of tossing it out on garbage day? Your thinking is extreme and paranoid and makes me wonder if the reason she isn't talking to you is because she is afraid of how you'll react and what extremes your mind will leap to. You also mention that problems started in 2020 - that's when the pandemic began, lockdowns and uncertainty. Sooo....in the middle of all that going on, when would she have had time and space to go cheating on you? That's on top of your daughter only being a one year old back then? Have you considered that your wife didn't want to have sex with you because she was exhausted? Literally physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. As for her having irregular periods back then....yeah....women can become irregular when they are under a lot of stress. All you talk about is how you are not getting sex. I wonder what's really going on in your marriage and how you are as a husband at large. Are you kind? Are you attentive? Are you supportive? Do you do chores without being asked? Do you take care of your very young child? Are you sensitive toward your partner's needs or are you perhaps more selfish and get distraught when you don't get what you feel entitled to, like sex, while being blind to what your wife actually needs from you?

This kind of thinking can really drive you down in life. This situation has nothing to do with trust. It doesn't matter how educated or well paid someone is. ALL people screw up. It doesn't matter that they work in the same building. The actual fact is that your PCP is NOT an expert on your insurance and who is and isn't in your network. That is not their area of expertise and certainly not their actual business. To live life, you have to give people some benefit of the doubt that whatever they did was not intentionally evil or meant to harm you, only that they acted with the knowledge they have. Again, your PCP is not in the business of checking your insurance for you and holding your hand about that. You are an adult who should be doing the work of verifying if that is important to you, which it should be. Please take some ownership of the issues instead of trying to blame everyone else.

This type of honesty in my experience is a double edged sword. They are showing you their core character. If you proceed and accept being in a relationship with them anyway, then you also accept the consequences - being cheated on. This kind of honesty is a way to clear their conscience in a, "I warned you about who I am and if you are still here, you must be OK with it." kind of way. Of course, every single cheater will swear up and down their undying loyalty and tell you that your relationship is "special and different". It's not. It really boils down to, can you ever fully trust a partner who has demonstrated their capacity to betray a relationship in the worst way possible? Answer that honestly and you have your answer on whether you should proceed or not. If deep down you know that you'll always be looking over your shoulder and feeling some anxiety and discomfort, then just quit now. Don't waste your time on toxic relationships. As for her platonic pal that she slept with..... I mean platonic by definition is a person you are not sexually attracted to at all. Soooo....yeah......their friendship isn't really platonic and there is and has always been some sexual tension there. Add to it that she has a propensity to cheat and this whole situation is a set up for a toxic mess. Personally, I'd be out the door. Life is too short for this kind of stuff. Not a good candidate for anything serious and long term.