Jump to content

Leaderboard

Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation on 10/18/2021 in all areas

  1. This relationship is dead in the water. You are dishonest, and she is abusive. It's never going to work.
    5 points
  2. Personally, I think it's about understanding who you actually are and figuring out what makes you specifically happy. I've noticed a lot of people who say they are unhappy are very fixated on looking at other people's lives and what they have and then feeling down for not having those things. Essentially engaging in a competition without ever stopping to ask what it is they personally want. What do you love? What do you enjoy doing? What interests do you have? What do you want to have in terms of lifestyle? If you can't answer these questions easily or the answers are "I don't know or don't have any", then you need to start with that. Figure it out. Don't look at others and what they do, but figure out for yourself what it is YOU want and enjoy. Once you figure out what you actually want, then you can work out how to get it and the entire journey is what brings lasting satisfaction. Just keep in mind that it's not about what society wants, what your parents or partners want, what others have - it's about YOU.
    4 points
  3. Thank you all again, today is the first day I haven't cried about the whole thing and that is in part due to your advice. All ties will be cut and I won't even have to deal with the house directly with him. As hard as it is to walk away he already has and I'm worth more than to be an option in a year, I need someone who is 100% enthusiastic about being with me and right now that is not him.
    4 points
  4. Yes. He knows he hurt you and blindsided you. I don't doubt he cares about you, but he's probably struggling to sleep at night knowing he pulled a fast one on you. Part of this is to make himself feel better about cutting and running.
    4 points
  5. The way I'm seeing it is that you , OP, broke the initial trust in the relationship and kept on doing it. She escalated it with the Apps and surveillance. Then she decided to top it off rather than leave, she would become physically abusive. This is textbook domestic violence, and if you don't get out now things will escalate. I think she chose porn as an easy way to get to this level of abuse as it's addictive and easy for her to justify her violence with others. You need to get out, maybe get some help for your porn habits.
    3 points
  6. Thanks everyone. I hope I will move forward soon, it’s very difficult.
    3 points
  7. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He looked you in the eye and lied. Even worse, when you brought up the topic, he instantly turned manipulative and essentially threatened you with break up by bringing up his ex and claiming that she was "controlling". He was essentially telling you to back off or else. Except that his ex wasn't controlling, she didn't appreciate being lied to or having a bf trolling other women and who knows how far he goes with that. No, what he is doing is not the same as porn. When you find out that someone you just started dating doesn't share the same values as you, it's time to dump them. This is why we date - to learn these kinds of things. Also, stop telling yourself how this is all so perfect because it's pretty far from it. Finally, for the love of....do not send nudes, especially to someone you barely know and stop deluding yourself with this idea that if only you do enough, give enough, act like a porn star enough, that will somehow ensure that a guy won't cheat on you. It doesn't work like that. Cheating is about character and lack of. A cheater will cheat no matter what you do. The only thing you do control is who you pick as a partner - don't pick liars and manipulators.
    3 points
  8. I would take this as my indication that this isn't the right guy for me.
    3 points
  9. The first thing to do is stop sending nudes. That can go viral in a nanosecond and end up on trash like pornhub. The second thing to do is be more secure and stop "giving him good food at home", as if you're competing with this online sleaze stuff. The third is to stop revolving your life around policing and patrolling his online activities, then use nonsense roundabout discussions to change his behaviors. Dating 12 weeks is to see if you are compatible and it seems like you are not. Cut your losses. Stop sending nudes. Stop policing. Stop dancing around the elephant in the room with rhetorical sounding talks. Most of all don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. It's not your job to be anyone's pornstar. It's not your job to lecture on what you think is "disrespectful", particularly since you are distributing nudes of yourself.
    3 points
  10. Well, that would mean not only continuing to lie, but also continuing to be subjected to someone who is obviously fine with being physically abusive. I would end the relationship. Plenty of women out there who would either join in on the porn fun or wouldn't care if the OP wanted to watch.
    2 points
  11. Dump him. Develop some self esteem so that you are not having sex when you don’t want to, especially just to hang on to someone not right for you. Relationships are supposed to be among equals, you are treating him like you are his mother. Stop dating people who don’t conform to your standards. Stop trying to control whoever you are dating — look for someone you are actually compatible with. This is an immature, toxic relationship that is dragging you down.
    2 points
  12. Next she'll tell you she's never hit an ex with a car. Or swung at them with a pointy object. You need to ask yourself, where will she draw the abuse line? Realistic answer, nowhere.
    2 points
  13. I think you have some good thoughts here to consider. As others have mentioned, it means different things to different people. Self love, being happy, etc it's all subjective. And I think it takes a lot of soul searching and making choices that support the person you are or are trying to be. Which is very abstract and depends on your own circumstances. I think I am a pretty happy person. But I don't have it all together in life. I think what makes me happy in general is that even when something bad happens or "could" happen, I trust myself to get through it. Keep hope alive. Some people could look at my life and say it's crap. And that's their opinion. At some point, I just decided my life is good enough for me. And I work towards the things that are important to me. I try to make good choices. For example, if you want to be healthy. You have to make healthy choices. Healthy choices in every area-- from what you consume: food, water, music, reading materials, television, social media, the people around you. To how you spend your time, how much sleep you get, your thoughts.... But things can still go wrong. It's how you cope with the things that go wrong, too. If I do everything I can to be healthy but get sick or hit by car or whatever, it's still on me to deal with it and get back on track. My philosophy for my own life is to choose happiness. Yes, bad stuff can happen. but good stuff can happen, too. Maybe I was born with a brighter outlook. That doesn't mean when something bad happens, I refuse to let it get me down. I can feel down at times and yet I am still happy in life. I think love of oneself and life is just like bathing. If you want it to last, you have to do it daily. You have to put in the work. That means making good choices, being true to those choices, even when they're hard. That builds confidence and that confidence in yourself helps you when things get hard. It's like dieting or working out-- a little cheat here and there is no big deal. It's consistency that matters. You get up. You show up. You do your best. Everyday. You commit to taking care of yourself and doing the right things not always the easy things.
    2 points
  14. I am very sorry. If I could count how many individuals come to the forums asking for help mentioning that their partner likes or follows explicit material online or engages in inappropriate behaviour, it would be plentiful. There is at least one person a week with this specific question, confused and in pain because of their partner's behaviour. Since you have mentioned that he has a pattern of doing this, it is who he is. He is a liar and someone who engages in this type of behaviour so it's up to you to either remove that from your life or accept it. He won't change. Don't send any more of your photos to him and not to another person either after you dump this guy. Be more protective of your privacy.
    2 points
  15. My thoughts are, you're not the cause of his behaviour, but you're contributing to it by sending him nudes of your own. I'm not sure if you're aware of the danger and consequences of where your nudes will land on the internet. Rather than invest anymore of your time, I'd walk away and take the lessons with me.
    2 points
  16. I know, I guess I want her to be OK because having her put down is so final. I like to watch cat videos and last night I was watching some with her next to me and I realized I won't be able to watch them anymore. Not for a long time, because they will make me think of my little girl kitty. Feeling pretty awful. But I do appreciate the support. Everyone has been so nice.
    2 points
  17. Totally agree!! For all you know, the nudes on his blogs are his 'controlling' ex-girlfriends. By the way, how do you know it is definitely him?
    2 points
  18. If she is struggling to find a comfortable position, if she is howling when she pees, she is in more pain than you can imagine. Keep in mind that animals can be extremely stoic and will be silent as long as they can bear it. She cannot bear the pain, it's that bad. Selfishness in this case is keeping her alive because you don't want to let go for your own emotional reasons. Kindness is stopping her suffering and letting her go asap.
    2 points
  19. I think I already talked about this here, but few years ago, there was a time where I wasnt so happy with my life too much. I had nothing going on. I was just out of big relationship, job was so-so and inconsistent. as I was in early 30s even health started detoriating(minor issues but still issues) and friend circle was becoming smaller due to people going their own way as they should so there was less time for hanging out. I was not in the right state for anything, so much so that I passed and didnt pursue a great girl because I felt "inadequate" and that I had nothing to offer there. She got knocked up and married some bogus guy 6 months later so I still kinda regret that decision. Anyway, I decided I want change. So I started to work more about everything. Took every job opportunity I could take and invest myself more so that in time become more stable and started to earn more money, started taking care of myself more(better food, more walks or training for health, even bought myself more clothes to look nice) and even surround myself with more quality friends(before my friend circle was more big but also more inconsistent as in more aquintances then close friends) who all did care about my company. So in time I did come to the right state of the mind so I can be happy with myself and trully feel that I have a lot to offer to anyone. There is still some days were I feel "down" about some stuff, but that happens. At the end of the day, that is all it matters, that you be happy with yourself. Or even as one of my more egotistical friends would said "To feel like you ae the most important thing in the world". If you arent, yes, you will need to do the work on that.
    2 points
  20. This side of him is a deal breaker....end it.
    2 points
  21. You have your answer. He's interested in the dog and likes to voyeur check in and snoop to see how you're doing via your friends. He's not interested in reconciling and keeping you at arm's length. Your message is sadly a little heavy and morose. Time out and close this chapter of your life. He won't be the one to give you closure.
    2 points
  22. Big hugs, bolt, and so sorry to hear about this. Was in similar shoes to yours a few years back, writing about it here, and can still recall the sharp melancholy and confusion. Crushing stuff. Whatever choices you make, and whenever you make them, remember that you've shared so much wonderful space together and given her a wonderful life. That's all forever.
    2 points
  23. Happy bday. Don't ruin it by holding your breath for him for more months and months. Instead, treat yourself to a wonderful time with friends and family.
    2 points
  24. I personally do it by avoiding the temptation to indulge in self-absorption with one exception which I'll explain. But first - I mean I give to others, I listen to others (really listen) - through this I don't have to think about "truly happy" - I am living, doing, breathing, giving (to friends, through volunteer work, through small kindnesses and big ones). I personally don't reach this through "sitting with myself" or meditating. I do do 4-7-8 breathing when I'm having difficulty sleeping and every single day I say a short prayer and think of 3 things I am grateful for and/or 3 good things that happened that day. Sometimes it's my family, sometimes it's avocado. My son does this too nightly - we do it together, I do it silently later in the evening. I also am honest with myself. For example, I never told myself I was truly happy being without a husband and without the opportunity to have a child, I try never to tell myself I "should" be "happy" with what seems to make others happy. I don't want a spa day, I don't want a massage, I don't want to be able to sleep in, I don't want a glass of wine or a cocktail, I don't want to do extreme sports or extreme fitness. I was happy on my own -and I knew I wouldn't be truly happy without marriage and family. I didn't take long breaks in between relationships and it wasn't always a mistake. Sometimes it was. I wasn't alone when I was not in a relationship. I had friends, relatives, etc. Again it might work for someone else to focus on "I have to be happy being on my own". For me it was "I can't be desperate for a partner or else I will settle". So here's the self-absorption exception. I was not truly happy last night or this morning. I've been feeling fairly burnt out and stressed mostly because of work but other stuff too. Since 1982 I've been working out regularly - as little as 3 times a week but more typically 4-5 times a week and every day for about the past 10 years. There are days like today I have to push myself hard to get outside and workout (outside since March 2020 because of covid). I was not truly happy to do this. I was not truly happy for the first 30 seconds. But I know myself. I know that pushing myself makes me happy. Maybe not someone else -they may be truly happy giving themselves a break from working out, or planning a spa day. I feel fulfilled when I push myself to workout and workout with all my heart and soul and sweat. I am never, ever going to post a selfie on social media of me working out. I don't brag or post about it because it's not why I do it nor is it marathon-training level or anywhere near that. But I feel truly happy when I push myself and complete my workout which is very challenging for me. In other parts of my life I've pushed myself really hard professionally and educationally. I have to be careful to make sure it's not "too hard" but I am all about no pain no gain. I keep my eye on the prize and I am type A and I'm not sorry about that. I married a type B so he keeps me honest. I don't relate to all those social media posts to the effect that it's ok to rest, to say no to obligations, etc. Why? Because of course that is true -that's obvious. Balance is obvious - but I find those posts going further than that -suggesting that pushing ourselves in general is bad (especially- gasp - to move up a corporate ladder or get a promotion, etc -which is no longer part of my life but was for 15 years -no regrets!) - because it's obvious we shouldn't make ourselves ill - I don't like the suggestion of it not being worth it to push hard and challenge ourselves. I'm truly happy when I do that and show myself for example -yes it's 6:01 am, yes, in 17 minutes I'll be out there working out and I won't get to rest during the week until I get my son off to school an hour or so later. I'm truly happy when I'm pounding the pavement uphill, feeling my body pushed to the limits and not feeling like I need to compare myself to another jogger or runner I might see - I'm doing me. So that is the self-absorbed part that makes me truly happy. And it's great for my physical and mental health. Trial and error to find what makes you tick but to me I'm not going to find it through the abstract "take time for yourself" and meditation is not my thing. Good luck and I hope this helped. Be specific-avoid the whole pychobabble generalities of "having to be vulnerable"" -I was getting in my own way of finding a husband for example and part of it was bad luck/bad timing, etc. So I had to face how I was getting in my own way. I was scared I'd fail at grad school. I felt vulnerable but I did it anyway. That's my mantra -feel the fear, do it anyway even if baby steps if the goal is worth it.
    2 points
  25. She told you what her boundary was from the start, giving you the option to leave if it wasn't something you could agree to. Her mistake has been in failing to uphold that boundary by continuing the relationship after you lied time and time again. She absolutely should not have been physically abusive, but you have repeatedly broken her trust, so enough is enough - time to end things. You will be free to find someone who's happy with your porn use and she can find someone who's more honest/more attuned to her morals.
    2 points
  26. This is a cat and mouse game, not a relationship. She's abusive. Run 👟👟.
    2 points
  27. I am having a service come to my home. She will be in my arms. Thank you, everyone.
    2 points
  28. I agree with others about this situation being likely to escalate. Please don't feel you're an exception to the rule, you're not. Keep in mind that your best teacher, is your last mistake. Also, bringing your self-esteem up a notch can do wonders.
    2 points
  29. He doesn't want to change but you sure can change BFs.
    1 point
  30. People can and do change but they have to want to, your bf does not want to. You may be hanging on since you have dated 4 years but it is obvious that you have grown and matured during that time and he has not. As it stands right now you are more his keeper or parent than a gf. Checking up on him, trying to teach him how to be a good person and policing his activities. That sounds like way more trouble than it is worth don't you think? Either learn to live with who he is or break up and try and meet a new guy that is more aligned with what you believe and expect in a relationship. Lost
    1 point
  31. My mother taught me long ago and that the secret to happiness and peace of mind is gratitude so I count my blessings everyday.
    1 point
  32. Nope, not a prerequisite many people don’t want children.
    1 point
  33. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now and everything's been more than perfect. He treats me super well, gives me all the needed love and affection. However, recently I found his tumblr account. Turns out he often reblogs and likes explicit content, and nudes of other girls. Of course this made me super uncomfortable. I'd say our sex life is pretty good, we have sex a lot and I often send him nudes myself, so it's not like I don't satisfy him. I decided instead of confronting him about it, to test if he'd lie to me. So I waited for a good moment and started a convo about how I find it super disrespectful when a guy likes other girl's "sexy" photos online. I asked him if he does that and he said no. (I expected him to deny ofc and wasn't surpised). This sparked a long conversation tho and he started saying things like how there's always a line where the girl shouldn't cross to try and control her bf and brought up his ex and how she was controlling and would be mad at him for just saying hi to other girls or complimenting their outfits for example. Of course I agreed with him and said that's absurd and I wouldn't do that, but repeated that it's still disrespectful to like other girls' nudes online if you're in a relationship cus "you got food at home". He agreed and again said he doesn't do it and wouldn't do it to me. At this point I didn't want to be the crazy *** who stalked him so I didn't tell him that I know he does it. I decided to give him a chance and see if he will continue doing it. I thought maybe if I was in the same situation I'd deny it too to avoid conflict and not risk losing my partner over it and then I'd just stop doing it once I know my partner finds it disrespectful. However, I checked his tumblr again days later and turns out he still does it. I'm willing to forgive the lie about it at first, cus I thought maybe he'd feel guilty about it and stop doing it, but now I don't know how to feel. He completely disregarded my feelings about it because he thinks I'm never gonna find out. I know some people would say it's just like watching porn and that men are horny and that it means nothing, etc. but it makes me uncomfortable and even if I get over my insecurities about it, I don't know what to do about the trust issues I now have because I now know that he is capable of lying straight to my face with no remorse. What should I do? Do I confess that I know he lied or just try and forget about it and not check his tumblr anymore to keep myself sane???
    1 point
  34. One of my best friends is married and they chose not to have kids. My sister in law and her husband also don't want kids and never had them.
    1 point
  35. Well she texted me today to confirm what time we are meeting tomorrow so I guess that is a good sign. And yeah I will take her somewhere nice for dinner beforehand. Although not sure how fancy as I’m worried it will be too obvious I’m overcompensating and raise her suspicions. I didn’t pay for the movie tickets but I paid for all the refreshments. And when I picked her up from the airport I paid for the taxi back to her home. After the movie we walked in the park and she suggested we get some food and we split the bill. And yeah I won’t be suggesting hotels again.
    1 point
  36. I know it's hard and please don't wait for your bday as you have your answer right now. Also as hard as it is to accept you're not entitled to a response from him. His email had nothing to do with wanting to get back together even though you did your utmost to read into it that way. I think he didn't want to slam the door totally shut so he gave himself an out in case he changes his mind. Also it just doesn't give a serious impression at all to raise this really intense and sensitive issue via email. It's an in person thing. Or maybe possibly a phone call. Maybe you did that because you were scared. I get it. But all that means is don't do it if you can't have an actual conversation. I've been on both sides of the get back together situation many times. I am married to my ex fiancee. I know I know "every situation is different." Just giving my perspective. It's hard!! I wish you luck.
    1 point
  37. I think that if she's howling when she pees, then she is in pain. When my dog was deteriorating, it hurt her to pee and to defecate. I ended up supporting her hips so that she could go without pain. That seemed to help her. At least it made her stop yelping, poor thing.
    1 point
  38. Is it time to end things? Yes. In fact long past due for you to stop wasting your time and life on him as this relationship is thoroughly dead and over. If he is truly suffering from depression and isn't willing to see a doctor and do something about it, then there is nothing that you can do to help him other than actually walk away. You can be supportive with a partner who is working hard on themselves and trying to get back to normal, but nothing you can do with someone who ridicules your concerns and doesn't think there is a problem.
    1 point
  39. This is probably over for good, OP. I am really sorry he did this now, but my guess is that he has got someone else in mind he wants to explore and he knows he doesn't feel strongly enough about you anymore to exclude all other options. When someone appears to suddently wake up one day and wants out, well, it isn't usually a sudden decision on their part. I would focus on moving forward and healing, and one day finding a guy who is totally sure about you and your future together. This one isn't, and it will be better in the end that it stops here.
    1 point
  40. I am sorry, but he is probably not coming back. You dont break up the relationship like that and on top of all, selling mutual home, if you are not very certain about not coming back ever. He also probably has a hard time now(that is why all the mixed signals he sends) but trust me, it is his final decision that you should work on accepting. Others told you that maybe he wants to "live a life" a bit more and maybe they are right. He is fairly young so maybe he misses his old playboy life. However, I dont think he would ever do what he did if he was certain about you being the right one. He is just not, sorry, he himself said that to you. That doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you. Just that he doesnt see the future there. In the situations like that I wouldnt hope to reconciliation after a year and stuff like that. You need to heal now, try to do that and move on. There are far better men out there then some guy that would after 4 years together suddenly remembered how you are not for each other and just leave. You deserve better then that.
    1 point
  41. Yes, I have already contacted a service. I'm not going to put her in her carrier and in the car, both of which she hates. I want her last moments to be peaceful, not scary and upsetting.
    1 point
  42. Losing a pet just flat out sucks. When you’re ready, call some vets and see if you can find one that does home euthanasia. You and Kitty can be comfortable in your own space as you say goodbye. Letting a pet cross the rainbow bridge is a true act of love. 💜
    1 point
  43. So is it possible when you did this it was transparent and she felt manipulated? You were testing her to see her reaction. Also is this a typical way you approach her - with the negative stuff you have going on, with an intensity like that or are you balanced with lighthearted fun stuff too? I think in general the relationship has run its course but this stood out to me.
    1 point
  44. Absolutely! You have great value. You've got a good job, you have a good heart, you're loyal, responsible, etc You ARE wife material. Thousands of men are looking for someone EXACTLY like you. If this bozo can't appreciate what he's got and thinks he can put you on the back burner while he runs around, then he doesn't deserve you. Every decision has consequences, and him walking out on you like this, means he is not allowed any kind of access to you. Having access to you is a privilege, and he lost that when he tossed away all the plans for the future with you. Respect yourself more than tying your heart to some man who is willing to treat you so poorly.
    1 point
  45. So sorry this sad time has come. You gave her the best life possible. And now you will give her the gift of peace in being there to ease her over the rainbow bridge.
    1 point
  46. You know this is not how you want your life to be. Dating an unstable guy that treats you poorly, makes your family worry for you and you can't be proud of, that plays an eye for eye instead of being an upstanding guy. Why don't you think you can do better than a guy that is punishing you for your parents' choice? Don't you think a guy that is serious about you and your happiness would go out of his way to fix this? Like calling your parents and asking them if he may come talk to them? To explain he regrets the past and will treat you better? Why are you even with this guy? These little pissing match battles are not the hallmarks of a happy healthy relationship. Find better. You can do better. You know that right? Find someone that respects you and your family. And is mature enough to make peace for your sake. That's love.
    1 point
  47. Stop taking the bait, run your group and your social life as you see fit, and let him know that you're willing to be civil whenever your paths cross, but speaking privately is over. The just pull back your own tentacles and quit his gig. Let him run his mouth to whomever he wishes--or whatever. Just disengage and stop allowing his problems to become your own.
    1 point
  48. She wants kids you don't...deal breaker. Cut your losses and walk away.
    1 point
  49. You are incredibly disrespectful and you are playing games with that poor woman who was putting in effort for someone who gave none back. Stick to your booty calls and let her find someone who has an iota of consideration for others.
    1 point
  50. Explain that you're thankful and grateful for her trouble preparing food for you, however, you'll gratefully decline. Tell her you're both incompatible, wish her well and that she will remain blocked. Go your separate ways with good manners, grace and diplomacy.
    1 point
This leaderboard is set to New York/GMT-04:00
×
×
  • Create New...