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Showing content with the highest reputation since 07/04/2021 in all areas

  1. Words of wisdom worth sharing: 1.) You can be a friend to someone (phone them, message them, plan outings, etc, but if they're not a friend to you (reciprocating all of those things), then that's not your friend. That's you being a friend to them, but it's not being reciprocated. One way relationship, but not an actual friendship. Those that don't make efforts back, or don't treat you as well as you do them, just let them go. Find actual friends, not one way relationships. 2.) Tolerance in a group, or with an individual, does not mean friendship. They may be polite to you (even friendly), they may tolerate you, but that doesn't make you friends. There is a world of difference between those that just tolerate you and those that are genuinely happy to see you and happy for you to be apart of their lives and want you to be apart of their lives.
    12 points
  2. Thanks all. Would he stay with my friend’s daughter? Yes, but in the beginning he probably would be trying to rip open the door to my bedroom and stuff. When I am in the shower and such, no he doesn’t melt down. He is at the point where he keeps himself busy. I found out something awesome today at work - our museum got a very large grant. We will be seeing a (small) raise in 45 days, and apparently something I didn’t know is I can utilize the childcare even when I am not there. It’s part of the museum 90 day perk package for employees (im about to get my review in 2 weeks). You get a reciprocal membership, standard 90 day raise(this is separate from the raise coming from the grant) and access to childcare during museum hours as long as you are scheduled for at least 15 hours of the week that week(I always am). So this is really cool. The raise is not as big of a deal to me as the childcare. We can also watch remotely from our phones. So…I think picking up some flex gig or another PTJ is the way to go. Thanks again everyone.
    9 points
  3. That right there is the red flag the size of China. Don't waste your time and emotions on a guy who keeps you and your relationship a secret while making himself busy acting single with other women. It's not about the picture or whether he is holding someone around the waist, it's that he is presenting himself and acting single behind your back, keeping you out of sight and just as a convenience. Dump him and don't look back. Also, your instincts are correct in terms of being upset by it. Just....rather than trying to fight about it or "fix it" learn to observe, listen to your gut screaming at you, and walk away.
    8 points
  4. It sounds like a typical LDR... you enjoy all the fun and the visits but you're not there to actually experience life together. I don't think he's pulling your leg. taking care of a dementia patient, especially a parent, is hard work- physically, mentally, emotionally. But... if you can't go to him and carry more of the burden, you're kinda just left with a pen pal. You're not being realistic. When you're caring for a sick parent, there aren't a lot of opportunities for extended breaks where he can go across the country. I don't think you really seem to empathize with him. You're really just thinking of yourself and what you're missing out on.
    8 points
  5. I agree with your sister. I don't think you beer comments had anything to do with it. He wanted sex. That's it, really. I am not sure why you think you did something wrong. He just wasn't into this for the same reasons you were. As such, there is really nothing to say to him. His distance tells you what you need to know, unfortuantely. I would let it fizzle and not hook up with him again.
    8 points
  6. Today we got our RHU offer and I got everything I wanted . 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and central air and a recent renovation ( 2017). Only $100 more a month than we pay here. We move first week of September. Sad I closed my daycare early but it will give me a summer off.
    8 points
  7. Ahh, the kids. I think it has been mentioned many many times in your previous threads about being an alcoholic and trying to have kids. You need to be fully sober in every way before getting into having kids. It would be hugely irresponsible to bring a child into the world when you binge drink and get drunk and pass out etc. No child deserves that. Anyone who is aware of that could (should) report it (imo). As for trying herbs and supplements to stop drinking - that will never work and I think you know it too. I think you're clutching at straws because you really DON'T want to join AA (as you've mentioned before), so you try herbs etc to make yourself believe you really are trying to quit, knowing full well that it won't work. You need AA and a good long stay in rehab if you seriously want to stop this.
    8 points
  8. He's getting something of value from someone who is a high risk to his romantic relationship--doesn't care that he's risking a breakup with you. If she was a true friend, she would be a champion of your relationship unless you're a toxic person, which I assume you're not. He hid the truth from you so you would accept their "friendship." If he was a person of integrity, the moment she said she was interested in a relationship with him, in addition to showing jealousy on social media, he should've told her they could no longer be friends because it isn't healthy for his primary relationship. If you stay, you clearly possess very low self-worth. There are single guys with good ethics who would make decent partners. Free yourself so you can meet one of them.
    8 points
  9. Good for you for asking a girl out finally! That's a great positive step. So, she didn't reject you. She just had liked you for a long time, realized you didn't like her back and chose to be realistic and go out with someone else. You seem to tend to try for girls you think like you even if you're not particularly interested, I guess to "up" your chances. But you wait too long, months go by and no girl is going to wait that long for you when you show zero interest in her. So next time you like someone, ask her out. Don't wait months and months. And it's ok if someone says no thank you. We have all had that happen and survived.
    7 points
  10. I had someone who was a close friend try to get me fired. She was trying to be best friends with our supervisor so she thought she'd get kudos for tattling on me. Problem was, I didn't do what she'd claimed I'd done and I was able to prove it. I reacted by working my butt off. I performed over and above what was required. This resulted in me getting promoted. The ex friend? She got promoted too...2 1/2 years after I did. It's not easy when someone has it in for you. But it seems you are a valued employee. Try to let the petty BS roll off you and just go in there and kick butt. This job with it's accompanying child care benefit is way too good for you to leave it over an unprofessional buffoon.
    7 points
  11. I think this guy is looking to "punish" someone for all the past pain. So he chose this moment to punish you and cast you out of his life, because it doesn't sound like he ever really dealt with his ex cheating on him. Should you have been honest about being out of work? Sure. But is he over-reacintg? Yes, without any question. Major projection going on there. He's showing you that he is rigid and lacks any empathy. His stance towards you is punitive and I would not be sad to lose someone like this. Notice how he made this all about him and his feelings? Never asked how you were coping with unemployment? Never tried to meet you halfway on this? Made you feel bad for cutting loose and having a good time with a few drinks? He sounds controlling, honestly. Toodles, dude. He's not the great catch you think he is.
    7 points
  12. This worry you have will only increase as the marriage goes on. He has shown some pretty disrespectful behavior towards you and you have only been dating a short time. Once married and he knows he has you locked down it will get worse. It sounds like he subtly puts you down so you will be weak and he can control how you view things and his behavior. This is not good. How many relationships have you been in before this one? Do you feel like he is the best you can do? Do you feel like you are running out of time to get married? Lost
    7 points
  13. It's a valid concern. Loving someone and feeling a deep connection to them is great, but there's much, much more to a relationship than that. All of those warm, fuzzy feelings will disappear after a couple of years of you pulling all of the weight in this relationship. You're already mothering him about his career choice, and about going to college. Save that for your children, if you choose to have them. A relationship is a partnership, not a parent-child dynamic. Yes, you will need to support one another sometimes, but what you have here is not 'sometimes.' You have a person who plans poorly and makes bad decisions.
    7 points
  14. I'm sure my reply will not score any brownie points, but if you truly want this to end you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse.
    6 points
  15. I once again, had another light bulb moment go off for me this week. I had a very stressful week, and I find that in those moments of great stress, when things calm down again, you can sometimes find great clarity about different things in life. (not always, but sometimes). I realized that there is a huge difference between avoiding a situation and actually being healed from a situation. Anytime any of us goes through an upsetting situation, the obvious choice in the future, is to avoid that kind of situation. I had not allowed myself into a certain situation for years...many, many years. I had thoughts on it, and I could see how badly it affected me back then, and I saw how toxic it truly was. But I felt that I had healed from it, and that I was okay now. Well, low and behold, if I didn't find myself in a similar situation after all this time. The deep emotions that had been hidden for years, suddenly sprung back up again...full force. I mean, hyperventilating, crying, hands shaking, stressed out to the max, etc. I was somewhat surprised. I thought I had healed from this!! But avoiding a situation, is not the same as being healed from it. You can run away from a situation, you can push all those feelings back down inside of you and lock them away. You can even convince yourself that it doesn't bother you anymore. But it does not mean you're okay, or that you're healed. I am not healed. I now want to find ways to be healed. Where if I suddenly find myself in this kind of situation once again, it's not going to trigger me this badly anymore. I want to actually be healed from my past, and not continue the avoidance game. I hope this helps someone out there. Much love to you all.
    6 points
  16. Being the secret girlfriend of a guy who acts single publicly is not going to improve your emotional stability.
    6 points
  17. You are being treated very poorly, being used and manipulated. Yes. She is a horrible girlfriend. But at this point, if this continues, it is your fault for sticking around. Move on. Work on yourself and your self esteem. Learn to set boundaries and not allow yourself to be abused. When you do, you'll find better partners. Do not mistake a long time girlfriend for a quality girlfriend. This woman is not kind, compassionate or caring. She is jerking you around and abusive. You can do better.
    6 points
  18. More Gaslighting than Victorian London! Run as fast as you can from this, then jump into a sports car and go faster!
    6 points
  19. You keep reframing this question differently hoping that we will tell you to stay with your girlfriend. She is making you feel crazy and making you question everything you do. It shows that you absolutely do not want to listen and are looking at away to justify the abuse. YES> its abuse. it doesn't matter if the other person is caluclating and deliberate or not. Its called "crazy making". This woman is unstable and you are even confused about what's up and down. If you live with her, suggest she moves in with family or something. you really need to get away from her and you are not seeing clearly at all. Maybe that sounds harsh, but you have been asking about the exact same scenario for a couple years now, right? If you have to, ask to move in with YOUR family or a friend who will hold you accountable when you feel like calling her or welcoming her back. You have got to rip the bandaid off.
    6 points
  20. I'm 55. I have no SO. Nothing horrible has happened to me. The problem isn't others potentially thinking you're "not loveable". The problem is YOU think you're "not loveable". You're putting your self worth in the hands of others. No way is that sustainable nor can it be successful. What does your therapist suggest? I doubt he or she would recommend you stay in toxic relationships with mentally unhealthy people as a means to make yourself "loveable".
    6 points
  21. Your attitude is really quite concerning. If you're that bothered about losing your virginity and don't care about who it's with (which you've made clear), just go to a hooker and pay for it.
    6 points
  22. I really had this driven home when my mom was ill and after her death. There were people I considered friends, and family who I thought were part of my support group, who were just brutal in their indifference. I never expect people to drop their lives for me, but I didn't expect some of the coldness I saw in some people either. There were a few family members who threw a fit over my moms funeral date for God's sake, because it came too close to a baby shower. Yeah, that's not what I consider my family these days. It was then that I really decided to be more careful in who I give my time, energy, resources. I just don't want to waste precious finite energies on those who do not really care, when I could be giving it to someone who does and will appreciate it.
    6 points
  23. I honestly think it was an unreasonable expectation on your part that he be the one always spending the money, travelling to you, and that he would move to you. Makes more sense to find someone local who is in the same stage of life as you, and to have a more balanced relationship.
    6 points
  24. Whatever any of us might say about marriage is irrelevant. The woman you want to keep has HER reasons for wanting marriage, and so SHE is the one to ask about what marriage means to HER. That information is your guiding star. She may not care about the 'show' of a big expensive wedding. Find out what the contract of marriage means to her, and if you want to keep her in your life badly enough, you'll figure out whether or not you're willing to take that step with HER.
    6 points
  25. Dude, you are asking her to move in with you. You are actively looking to build toward marriage and kids and a future together and are supporting that with actions. Meanwhile, she is accusing you of being just pals and just in it because you are lonely and bored. Does that make any sense to you? Looking in from the outside and without a pony in this race, this woman seems to have some very serious psychological/emotional issues. Nothing that you can fix or help her with and something that, I'm afraid, you are rather oblivious to and dangerously so. This is not a relationship you cling to or the kind of a woman you choose to have a family with. This is the kind of a person where you pay attention to the red flags slapping you in the face and walk away from....or rather run for the hills as fast as you can. In your own way, you seem stubbornly...and rather ironically, given her accusations....fixated on the future you want which is marriage and kids....but really, you need to step back and think who it is you want that with. This woman has some serious issues. Think about it....she is 37 years old, but her mother has this much influence and say in her life and relationships that the fact you weren't pawing her ends the relationship? Does that sound sane to you? Hint: looking from the outside it is nuts.
    6 points
  26. Do you really want to be with someone that can go ten days without talking to you? you're both kind of leaving it up to the other person to take charge. Maybe she wants you to chase her or follow her. But you're OK giving her space and think that is the way to handle it. basically a stalemate. right? You've got to have better communication than this. Are you holding back? is it her? in your shoes I would be very confused by this and end it. You're taking marriage, family, kids, relocating and she's concerned you didn't seen affectionate in front of her family? what? Petty stuff like valuing perceptions over real things like how connected you are, how much you're on the same page etc is very immature and makes me wonder- are you dodging a bullet? because this isn't love and commitment. this is hoop jumping bs
    6 points
  27. A small dog cannot jump slowly onto a couch. They need to get some speed up to make it up there and yes, he probably doesn't see what he is jumping on top of that's already on the couch. One way to retrain that is get a step ladder or a ramp so he can walk up slowly and see where he is going. Show him a couple of times how to use that, BUT do not use any kind of excitement. Be very very calm and quiet. He shouldn't associate going on the couch with excitement, but rather with relaxation. Second thing is never drag the dog away from something and into "his place". His place or doggy bed should be a place of reward and pleasure and never associated with punishment for being bad about something. So if he jumps on the couch uninvited, a firm no, place him on the ground and then ask him to do something for you like a sit or a down, give him a reward for it - treat or praise. Associate being off the couch as a positive. Finally, terriers are super high energy dogs that need a ton of exercise. So be sure that you give him a chance every single day to expend that energy outside by actively playing with him and exercising him properly. A happy dog is a tired dog. An unhappy dog with too much energy to burn will run, tear things, and ultimately hurt himself as well as others around him. Terriers are also working dogs - meaning training is critical to his mental health - so sit, heel, down, do tricks, go fetch things, anything to stimulate his mind is just as important as physical exercise itself. Working with a local trainer might be a good idea rather diy off the internet.
    6 points
  28. Couple of things I thought of while reading your post. Why don't you know your feelings are valid? Honest question. You should not need the validation of others or even your partner for YOUR feelings and what YOU think are acceptable behaviors. Also, in your shoes I would not mistake a long relationship as the same as a good relationship. I would evaluate what has been actually happening and why things lasted 9 years... are your needs being met or are you just going along because you're afraid to rock the boat? You guys share an account... he has no problem flirting, asking for dates, inviting other women to guys' weekends... and you are right there reading it. Good Lord. I would kick this guy to the curb so fast. There is no way I would allow myself to be embarrassed and disrespected, especially in full view as if no big deal. Let this player go play... and find yourself a true partner.
    6 points
  29. If a man treats you right, you would not feel this way, you’d feel loved and cherished. if you tell a man that loves you that his actions feel inappropriate, he apologizes and makes changes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong for feeing how you feel. That’s gaslighting. I would let this guy go. He doesn’t seem to be healthy committed relationship material.
    6 points
  30. So I have something of an unexpected update: Ya’ll remember that one girl whom I was upset with because she didn’t invite me to her birthday party? Well today at work, she invited me to go bowling with her and her group of friends. (the ones I mentioned in this post) Apparently they all go bowling every Tuesday night and go out to eat afterwards. She just invited me out of the blue to join them tonight and I definitely took her up on that offer.
    6 points
  31. Because nobody ever says that. He probably wants to keep the door open for more sex in the future. I don't think you pissed him off. Because he's not sure if he wants to do this again. OP, all of this is fairly par-for-the-course with a guy who wants sex but not much else. He doesn't want to cut you off totally (in case he wants to have some fun again), but he isn't making any specific plans with you either (in case he doesn't feel like hitting you again again) This is a man who will keep you as an option if you let him, but he isn't making you a priority. I would simply caution against letting a man you've never met into your house the first time you meet him. You have no clue who you're opening the door to, and bad things sometimes happen. Nothing wrong with casual sex if you're game, but please do be more careful with how you go about it. Your safety isn't worth it.
    6 points
  32. Who did he say he is on vacation with? Or did he say it's a solo trip? You were gone 3 weeks and he'll be gone a week, so how many times have you seen each other in person--3 or 4 times? Sometimes comments like loving you and wanting to marry you this early on means he wants to find a speedy way to get a naive woman in bed. Don't know if you've been intimate or not yet, but something to be aware of. For one thing, nobody like dishonesty. But you shouldn't bring emotional baggage from your past to ruin new relationships. Take each new relationship as a separate entity, observing and analyzing each partnership as any emotionally healthy person would and should. There's a possibility he's with a woman and a possibility he's not. You can either assume he is and dump him now, or keep dating him with a wait-and-see attitude. But if you haven't slept with him yet, I'd hold off on that until you feel confident he's good partner material.
    6 points
  33. It is time to end this friendship, it is going to screw up your new life. Unless you have children together there is zero reason to keep in touch. Ask yourself what she’s adding to your life. If the answer is nothing then why are you bothering? just because she wants to be friends doesn’t mean you have to especially if she’s negative and resentful. Say goodbye and have it be over.
    6 points
  34. He didn't expect you to have self respect. What he was hoping for is that you'll have a total breakdown without his greatness, go begging for him to come back and he'll deign to bang you once in a awhile out of pity while he pursues others and you stroke his ego. What can I say....you didn't lose anything worthwhile here. Bullet dodged. Now tell him to eff off and never contact you again. What a loser he is.
    6 points
  35. OP, the lesson getting lost in the dust here is that you should have listened to your very own instincts early on when you felt that the way he was coming onto you was scary. You were right and you should have run for the hills. Yes, he was love bombing you and then he flipped and became punitive and abusive. Your own feelings of insecurity and guilt lead you into begging, pleading and apologizing for what exactly? Being human? He dragged out the break up because he enjoyed seeing you down on your knees so to speak. Quite a sick power trip for him. You didn't lose a good guy, you dodged a major bullet. Next time, listen to your gut early on and walk away fast from these types. Just to put things in perspective for you. A normal decent guy would have talked to you about getting drunk the first time and address it politely if he has an issue with that. A two way conversation where he would express his views and discomfort AND listen to you and your views and reasons as well. If he still decided that this is not going to work for him, then he'd tell you and end things politely. He would not pout, act out, guilt trip you, punish you, etc., etc., etc. What this guy did and the way he behaved is the definition of toxic psycho. Instead of continuing to blame yourself, learn from this because this is exactly the sort of person you should avoid like the plague. On a side note, self improvement is good, but be careful about placing blame on yourself for other people's lack of character.
    6 points
  36. So this is the guy who goes to clubs with his female friends and never invites you to go along? Yeah, he hasn't respected you or the relationship for a long while. I would opt out of this one.
    6 points
  37. Please do not "confess" what you did. You could possibly do irreparable harm to him emotionally (like your ex did to you). This is his first relationship and first sexual experience. Think about how devastating it will be for him. Please do not be selfish and think "Well, I want to keep seeing him!!!" It's important to think about how your actions affect others.
    6 points
  38. Sorry this is happening. He is lying to you and that in itself is reason to end it. Another reason is that this situationship he lied about, is causing headaches and heartaches men with integrity would not cause you. He's getting off on this catfight at your expense. He doesn't care about your feelings or respect you. There are so many red flags here, that it's better to cut your losses. He keeps this poisonous snake around for a reason. Think about that.
    6 points
  39. No, it's not wrong. But that is the least of your problems with this relationship. Your multiple other threads indicate this but one of many issues, and it's not the one that is breaking the camel's back.
    5 points
  40. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out why you think he wants to date you. I talk to my neighbors. We complain about the construction noise coming from next door. But I'm not trying to date any of them. In fact, I'd think it was strange if any of them thought me complaining about noise means I'm angling for a date. Can you please clarify why you think he's trying to date you?
    5 points
  41. Honestly this sounds like a neighbor in my neighborhood. It has to do with being lonely and needing some human interactions, nothing to do with dating or even really being friends. This guy sounds isolated, so yeah he is doing odd things like looking at people outside; since maybe he can't himself. OP you seem to be looking for motivations that just don't seem to match up with the what we've been told. If you don't enjoy conversing then don't invite him or out on a date by any means, but also don't ascribe motivations that aren't evident.
    5 points
  42. Well, the problem is that you don't actually want him to concentrate on everything else but you. It sounded more like a thinly-veiled attempt to get him to reassure you that he still wanted some of those future plans you told him to forget about - but he didn't reassure you. So now you feel even worse. It's absolutely important to have empathy. He's overloaded, for sure. But it's also important to recognize when a relationship isn't really working for you anymore. You might completely correct that he just does not have the time or energy for someone else, especially considering it is long-distance.
    5 points
  43. Wishing you a safe trip to France and a speedy recovery for your father. Lost
    5 points
  44. Mortgage is a commitment to a bank, not a partner. It binds you legally with a contract you have with a bank, meaning if anything happens they can apply heavy fees, ruin your credit and foreclose. A commitment to debt is also nothing to be happy about. Banks and debt don't love you and you don't "enter into a mortgage", thinking one "M" word is the same as the other.
    5 points
  45. His behavior is inappropriate in general. His invites and right down to the kissing emoji. That to me implies intentions beyond just flirting. His behavior is disrespectful to you and the relationship. And maybe some of these women find it offensive too. Let him dismiss it all he wants, but don’t dismiss it yourself. If this is his pattern, why put up with it? You obviously don’t like it, understandably
    5 points
  46. Sounds like you did okay with nights before your son but the fact that he would be home with you while you're trying to sleep. IMHO, it's not a good idea. Cat naps are not enough, and if he's having some behavioral problems/ADHD symptoms, even if he's having a "good day", he could still keep you up for hours on end. Then what? I get that the full time job pays a lot more but if you are using $$$ to get someone to watch him during the day so you can sleep, well, that adds up and given the extra stress/toll on you (from not seeing your boy or your partner as much), it may not be worth the extra money, especially once you factor in the babysitting costs. If your son was in school, even for part or the day, I'd say yeah, go for it. But right now, it doesn't seem like a good day. I really worry you'll get super sleep deprived. I've known coworkers who have had to this setup (kids at home during day, cat naps only) and it does not end well and it usually doesn't last long. I think it would be torture for even a few months, let alone a YEAR. It sounds like you love your current job. Yes, it's PT and doesn't pay much but you like it and they have childcare for M, which is great. Given the worker shortage (well, kind of worker shortage, more like "shortage of workers who are willing to accept slave wages for total fidelity to an employer"), you may be able to find a part time gig elsewhere. Or even not part time, look into maybe "per diem" places, where you're not guaranteed hours but you can pick up some shifts and schedule things ahead of time. If I didn't have to work full time (need my benefits right now), I'd probably go the "per diem" route. It leaves you flexible, you usually get paid a bit more (since the place doesn't have to pay into benefits for you) and you can continue to look for another job in the meantime. Just my $0.02. I hope it all works out.
    5 points
  47. I say just leave her alone, and date other women. If she ever does move to your area, then make a move. this is not the time to invest your time or your feelings.
    5 points
  48. I am another vote for rehab and get better friends. When you are out, do not go to your old places or talk to your old friends again. Make new, sober friends.
    5 points
  49. OP, as long as you keep avoiding professional help/therapy be prepared for your life to spiral down to rock bottom. You're already in a really deep hole and I cannot understand why you keep finding excuses and fighting the idea of getting help. Clearly your life right now is miserable and you are so unhappy. Do you believe getting help will make your life even worse than it is right now? Surely not. One would think anything is better than living with this depression, right?
    5 points
  50. He's not required to work in the career you picked out for him. He's capable of deciding for himself. Just because you would do it differently doesn't mean he's wrong. I never had a career but I've always worked. I didn't graduate from college either. I currently have a very good job. It pays decently and I like the work. Some might call me unambitious or unsuccessful but I disagree. I can tell you, if someone tried to instruct me on what job I should have I wouldn't react well. Bottom line, you want a career man with a degree. He does not want to be a career man with a degree. Therefore you two are incompatible. No one is wrong, you two are just not a fit.
    5 points
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