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Showing content with the highest reputation since 09/12/2021 in Posts

  1. You would think after being raped recently I will never want to date or look at another man again. It’s the opposite. I’m not ready to date by no means but I haven’t given up on the idea of love. I think I never will. I know inherihently, I have a lot to offer and will enjoy being with someone. Im looking at the spring for seriously finding someone and being back on dating sites. I have goals though before I can do this. My weight loss goals slightly changed. After the trauma occurred I decided I’m not in the right headspace for weight loss surgery. I took a month off of the gym to heal and I’m going back Tuesday for personal training. So I’m doing this the natural way. I’m being realistic about my expectations of what I want in life. To be honest I was never the one to set out a list of requirements about a guys appearance. Like he has to be 6’1 and have tattoos….no I was never that way. If anything I look more for the character of the person. He needs to have patience and be genuine, respectful and honest. Basic right? To me it means everything the guy have a lot of those basic traits. Looks honestly never mattered. I just want the one who makes me smile. so what I’m trying to say is I have and never will give up on love. I don’t think the Rapist could take that apart of me away. I still believe in the goodness of someone’s heart.
    8 points
  2. My wife cheated on me after 20 years together. I caught her a few months in and have been divorced for over 10 years now. I actually owe her a big thank you but she will never hear me say it. She was a selfish lying person that put herself first even before our disabled son. I have been happier these last 10 years than nearly anytime with her. My advice. Tell your husband the marriage is no longer what it was and you are no longer in love with him and you want him to have the chance to find someone to share his life with that truly loves him. Be as gentle and fair about splitting everything up and hope your children never find out what you have done to their father. You have been a selfish lying spouse for 12 years, I think you owe him the freedom from you. He may not think you are doing him a favor at first but in time he will trust me. Don't be surprised if your bf isn't interested any longer after you are free... Lost
    8 points
  3. Thank you for all of the encouragement. We had a really nice day together. The only weird part was being spotted by some of my students moms, sitting on the beach in a bikini drinking rum from a bottle… instead of being in school with their little angels. 😝
    7 points
  4. You underestimate men ability to do stuff for sex lol I tend to overanalyze stuff so if I would have to guess: Private Instagram profile where he chases women with it, getting 3 hours from home to get women? Married and doesnt want people at home to know that he cheated. Just a wild guess but would make sense.
    7 points
  5. Deal breaker....I would have dumped him ages ago. Come on now, you have more self worth than that right? You deserve better. He is not worth your time. Kick him to the curb already!
    6 points
  6. No. Absolutely no. Seriously dude, reverse the above to HER saying she finds you unattractive, your physical flaws, your large facial features and being repulsed by YOU. Would you really believe this can be solved? Stop using her for your own selfish reasons just because you're too much of a coward to leave the relationship. This says a lot more about you, than her. No, you can't make this work. Man-up and grow a set by doing the right thing and leave.
    6 points
  7. I agree there is something dodgy about this. If he was really single and he's so hot, he could easily go on dating sites or at least hookup sites. But maybe he can't actually do that because he's already in a relationship or dating someone. That's why he has a private profile on Instagram and he just randomly messages women to see who will "bite". People who have nothing to hide don't hide. That aside, I think the fact that he was texting a lot, but after sex stopped most likely means that he did just want sex. I also think you need to try to act more mature about this. He said immediately he wanted sex, he was honest. You also wanted it and you had sex and you both enjoyed it. I don't think he used you as such because he said upfront what he wanted. If it was just a sex hookup he actually doesn't really owe it to you to keep talking or keep dating you. If you don't want casual sex then simply don't have it. If you do - have it. But I think you need to think about what you really want. Because if what you really want and what you're doing doesn't actually match up, that's when you start to feel bad and insecure.
    6 points
  8. My advice. Stay away from Emily. Keep your interactions to polite impersonal matters at the very most. Do not respond/change the subject if she asks anything personal or shares anything personal. Respond to texts delayed. Do not agree to see her. If she ever were to do what you fear, she will look like the crazy one as long as you keep your distance. If your boyfriend is homophobic about finding out that you have been curious about women then you should not be with him. But if you plan on acting on your curiosity he deserves to know because that would be cheating and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. So far you haven't. Having a crush is fine. You don't need to share that. Stop telling Emily anything about who you meet up with including Rose. Emily is not your friend. Emily is not a stable person. Stay away from her. Do not talk about her behind her back either -stay in your lane -if others want to interact with her that is their choice. I think your boyfriend deserves to know if you cannot be fully committed to him because you're wondering about whether things would be better with a woman. Otherwise unless he asks you outright whether you've ever been really curious about sex with a woman no need to share and it would depend why he is asking. You figure out how important this curious part of you is to you and whether you need to be with someone who is tolerant of this sort of thing -meaning you're not 100% heterosexual just like many people are "hybrids" - but if this was just a one time small crush, no need IMHO.
    6 points
  9. Sadly this is yet another case (we see more and more of this almost on a daily basis) where people are in a dysfunctional relationship where the writing has been on the wall for years and yet the OP continues to choose to stay. They ask for help/advice for years, get huge responses with very helpful and constructive advice, yet will find every excuse in the book as to why they won't or can't leave. It all boils down to 'can't means don't want to'. And then in the same breath keep saying "I don't know what to do". OP, you've posted about this same guy in 2018 and even then the advice was you need to leave. Yet here you are, still with him. You say you don't know how to cope, you now have depression, are seeing a therapist, you are exhausted by it all ....BUT you insist on staying. OP, all of that is on you. You had the choice to leave in 2018 but didn't. As you can see nothing has changed and it's even worse....BUT, you still stay. Again, that's on you. At this point the only one who can help you, is YOU. Two choices: 1) Stay with him and be miserable, depressed and exhausted by it all and have the life sucked out of you and live a life of therapy, OR 2) Leave and use the time to work on yourself so that you can be in a mentally healthier place for a future relationship. Build a decent wholesome life for yourself, hold your head up high, get your self-respect back. Choice is yours.
    5 points
  10. No it cannot be salvaged and it should have never gone on this long to begin with. What you describe in terms of qualities you like about her and value, describes most women out there. The fact that you are not physically/sexually attracted to her isn't going to change and yes, as time goes by you will feel more and more repulsed by her. This is not fair to her or to you. Please stop wasting her time and end this yesterday. In short, stop being so selfish and using her companionship while you lust after other women. Enough is enough. Please realize that if you carry on wasting time on her, eventually you will end up cheating on her. She deserves better than that. You also deserve to be with someone you actually feel attracted to who is also everything else you are looking for. Again, with heavy emphasis, your needs are not that unique and she isn't so special that no other woman could live up to that. Attraction and good qualities are not mutually exclusive qualities.
    5 points
  11. I have to agree. You have no clue if he is viewing your children and what he is doing with these images or if he is streaming it to pedos or whatever. Get those cameras out .
    5 points
  12. Your BF having access, watching and possibly taping all this is far from "security". It's beyond creepy to allow a complete stranger to view your children running around their home.
    5 points
  13. Yes, but being mad and jealous because you went out with friends is nuts.
    5 points
  14. oh Pa-leez! This is ancient thinking and you obviously have not taken a look around... Even Brad Pitt is no Brad Pitt. 🤣 Men are aging just as much a women and those old cliches may still happen but gosh. I hope your self esteem recognizes you are more than an object for a man to look at and adore. I also don't think it's correct to say this guy used you or to say you were a victim. Firstly, it's unhealthy to tell yourself this narrative because it denotes a lack of responsibility on your part. You were not used. You allowed yourself to be... Even that isn't quite right or healthy. You said, he called and mentioned having sex. You hadn't had sex in a while and were very interested in doing it. It was a transaction that you agreed to be a part of. Did he make other promises that sex was contigent on? For what it's worth... this was a beneficial experience. You learned to be more careful when meeting strangers. That's always a risk. Someone remains a stranger until you spend time in real life and can verify they are what they say they are. The old "trust but verify" philosophy applies here. You also learned more about yourself and what works for you. All valuable stuff as you start dating again.
    5 points
  15. When are you going to deal with your sexuality? All this other drama doesn't matter once you do that. Wouldn't you want your bf to talk to you if he was interested in other men? Would you want to be in a relationship with that kind of secret? If you are living a lie then you will always be worried some one some day will spill the beans and your secret will come out. It seems like if you have a crush on a woman to the point where you are going out of your way to be around her then that is obviously bad for any relationship don't you think? The fact that you didn't tell your bf is because you felt like you were doing something wrong even if you tried to convince yourself it was all harmless. If it was you wouldn't be worried about the truth. If you are interested in women to the point where this happens perhaps a relationship with a man is not where you should be right now. Lost
    5 points
  16. Very series question - what are you actually getting out of all this? This guy treats you, his wife, other mistress, his son, like garbage. He's a liar and cheater and only cares about himself. He's immature, playing games, trying to make you feel jealous on purpose. But he pretends he has morals because he's "religious". Newsflash - he DOES NOT have any morals. I think at this point you would get more out of dating a garbage bin.
    5 points
  17. "Why doesn't his wife care that he's cheating?". I think that the question which should be asked is: "Why don't I care that I am having an affair with a married man"?
    5 points
  18. Quite often we don’t get people to validate us, not even parents. You will need to validate yourself. If you are not getting what you need from them stop discussing this topic. If you don’t get invited stop making a big deal about it stop hunting them down and looking for invites. Just stop the interaction.
    4 points
  19. Thanks for your replies everyone I think I should have stated that in my original post I seem to have times that I find her more attractive than others. I am aware that some people have better angles and lighting can play a large factor. Sometimes the attraction is not a problem but at others it really does get to the point it gets me down and sends me into a spiral of doubt and shame... I think it is this that has confused me for all this time. If I did not find her attractive at any point I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. She has a large nose and quite a large jaw. She clearly had these features at the very start of the relationship therefore I can't work out if this is something I have fixated/overanalysed overtime n or is simply something I have noticed as the 'newness' of the dating process wore off. I have researched relationship OCD and wonder whether I have traits of this, yet there is always the chance that it simply is that this relationship is not a good fit in that respect. This is a really good point. Clearly she deserves someone who finds her truly attractive and desirable on the outside aswell as inside. As I say above, my conflict is that sometimes I can feel that way! (just not all the time)However, I am also full of worry that I could deprive her some of her best years with someone who truly values her in everyway, everyday, but I am desperate for that person to be me! I think some of my issue has been that in past relationships that I have been very attracted to my partner I have found them to be more selfish and less kind/loving. So perhaps have developed an unfortunate sense that these qualities are in fact mutually exclusive in a partner. This is the advice from everyone, loud and clear essentially. I would be so sad to leave her and I know it will devastate both of us. It is this fluctuating attraction being the only issue that makes me so anxious I will regret this decision. Can I try lots of gratitude or try and fixate on the positive aspects of her looks (beautiful eyes, nice body etc) Having said this, I'm also aware that after 2 years I am having to come on an Internet forum (talking to friends about this feels horrible) to mull over through this dilemma clearly something is not right and I will likely have to end things. It just feels like such a shame as she feels like my 'soul mate' in every single other way. Again all your help is much appreciated.
    4 points
  20. This is your answer, and so it's up to you whether you want to continue your investment in trying to convert this guy into more than that. Personally, I'd read that writing on the wall and spend less time with him, more time investing in finding the right kind of relationship for me. This guy is not that, and you'll feel this more acutely once he finds a lover to spend more time with. This doesn't speak of anything undesirable in you, but rather, it speaks of his limited vision, which you cannot change. Head high, and write more if helps.
    4 points
  21. I think it is reasonable that he wants to take quite a bit of time before introducing you to his children, but I don’t think the way he’s going about it is decent. To have you hide in a closet or completely upend your plans without so much as talking it out with you so that you are also comfortable in the situation is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. His children do come first and they should, but he can put them first without it being at the expense of you. I think he is coasting and the fact he hasn’t defined or reaffirmed his intentions for some time just to make sure you know he’s in this with you, shows a lack of commitment. In your shoes, I’d tell him where I stand and ask him where he stands, and if we’re not walking in the same direction after that discussion, then I’d end things. If you are, then I’d tell him he needs to find a better way of handling things/your relationship and his kids.
    4 points
  22. @takewhatuwant he has a kid and is a workaholic if I remember well. You're a free spirit with no limits. Focus on being you for now. The fact that you consider reconciling in 2023 is just very absurd. Likewho does that? Go on your travel, and when you're back, if you're still in the same mindset and he's available... It won't hurt to try. But you can't tell someone to wait until 2023. That's not how it works. It's quite selfish, to be honest.
    4 points
  23. Okay. Maybe you miss being in a relationship, but I remember your post and you guys are not compatible. No need to force anything. No need to let this drag on (2023!!). Let it go. Focus on enjoying your new journey and you'll meet a more compatible and healthy person on your way. Relax. He wasn't the one.
    4 points
  24. You need to do this? Why? You need to mourn and heal from losing someone really significant in your life, first. That could take a long time yet. Trying to replace someone with someone else, doesn't work. Not to say that you can't be happy, you can be...with family, friends, investing in yourself. Dating doesn't mean you've somehow got over the hurdle of someone else's death, nor does it mean you'll suddenly be happy. You need to ask yourself if you're ready. If you are ready, you'll feel somewhat confident, somewhat excited, happy within yourself, healed. If you're not feeling those things, you're not ready. And you shouldn't be allowing others to push you into a situation you're not ready for. Because truthfully, it could backfire very badly. You could be reminded of the love you lost, how this new person doesn't measure up, how you emotions are not healed and now how you may disappoint and hurt someone else due to giving them hope and then telling them you can't do this. Please really consider if you're ready, or not. A year is not very long.
    4 points
  25. He sounds like my mother. She's a narcissist/ bi-polar. She's a bully and it seems whenever she's in one of her moods, she wants to take me down with her. She will even send me passive aggressive emails to entice the encounter. And yes she says that too when I try to tell her how I feel about her attitude, she turns it on me and says "What I'm not allowed to feel this way?" This pisses me off, because it's all it is, is a diversion tactic. It become all about them. Your BF lacks empathy. When he is angry, he makes sure you go down with him. That you must feel his frustration and not allowed to be happy because he's not. He's years away from being anywhere normal. Get out now! Run away as fast as you can!
    4 points
  26. It is hard to walk away from someone you have had 4 years with. But in your case, these were your teenage years. It's very rare for these relationships to last. Unless both people are growing together. Obviously you are not growing together. It's completely right and normal for you to grow into the person you are meant to be and that means letting go of people you have outgrown. It is not his place to "allow" or "agree" with you to break up. It takes two to make a relationship, that's true. But it only takes one to break it. It does hurt to end a relationship. But that's can't be the reason you stay together. Life goes fast. Stop wasting your time. Rip the band aid off. You owe no one. Go back to your family or your girlfriends. Heal yourself. Figure out what you want out of life. Be on your own. You're 20 years old. This time is about you and who you want to be. Relationships will come and go. You're responsibility is to yourself. To learn. To grow. To have fun. To explore life. Being in a broken relationship is wasting your time. (and btw, his) You want to look back on your life in 70 years and say, I did it my way because my life, my rules... It's all on you girlfriend... what you do not change, you accept. Hope you find the strength...
    4 points
  27. You are in a boat with him but you are the only one paddling. What happens when only one person paddles on their side? You go in circles right? What happens if you paddle harder? You go in circles faster is all. A relationship is a partnership but your partner isn't and doesn't want to contribute and worst of all dumps all the responsibility for the relationship and his happiness on you. This isn't healthy and frankly it isn't a relationship, it is more like a codependent situation. You cannot be his caretaker or therapist. You need to make a plan to leave and then do it. Make arrangements first. Where you are going to stay, save some money up, have a friend help you move and all that before you sit him down and tell him it is over. Be honest but kind and tell him you are not In Love with him any longer and you both have gotten into a dysfunctional state that is not healthy for either of you so breaking up is what is best. Then put your plan into action and leave that day and don't look back. He will be okay and will probably do much better without you around to blame his own issues on. For your own sake you should go NC as soon as possible so you don't get sucked back in. Do you have a close friend that can help you? Family? Lost
    4 points
  28. It's normal to outgrow your first love, OP. That's what has happened here for you. You're not the same young woman now that you were at just 18. You two have grown up, and grown apart. This is the very reason why our first relationships are almost never our last. I would respectfully end it before your anniversary.
    4 points
  29. You are staying for all the wrong reasons. I have to say you come off as an extremely selfish person. I didn't see one sentence from you about her happiness, her having a man in her life that truly thinks she is pretty. All you wrote about was you. How about you step back and think of her and her future happiness. Should she be wasting one more minute of her life on a man that isn't In Love with her and finds her unattractive physically? Do the right thing but be as gentle and kind as possible. Do Not under any circumstances tell her she is not pretty enough. Lost
    4 points
  30. Let her go. You are not being shallow you simply don't find her attractive and that's ok. I knew a guy -really good looking -who was divorced -he spoke similarly about his ex but he said the sex was really good but -ugh -he had to often not look at her face. I mean how awful. He did miss her a great deal. She deserves someone who finds her attractive and desirable. Many years ago I worked with a woman in her early 30s who was absolutely not attractive looking. She was funny looking. Lovely person. Her husband was also not attractive looking and similarly funny looking. One day I saw her wearing a crayola watch and I guessed- correctly -that she was expecting. I told her this when she told me she was pregnant. And she said her husband told her "you are the most beautiful pregnant woman I've ever seen!" They've been married over 25 years and made a great couple back then too. This is what your girlfriend deserves. Someone who looks at her and sees a beautiful person inside and out. Even if she is not conventionally attractive.
    4 points
  31. Don't up root the girls, kick your wife out. It would be way easier for her to leave, and have her pay some of the child support. You already are at home and take care of your daughters 90% of the time. Seems like a fair arrangement, and would take some of that worry of exposing them to her new BFs. Fight for your girls.
    4 points
  32. How long have you been dating? Dump him. You don't get along anyway. There's no point being with someone who says these things. Those remarks are intended to hurt you. That's not a "rough patch", that's abusive.
    4 points
  33. Hey Natalie, In my experience, in a long term relationships there will be occasions, particularly during 'rough patches', where one or both partners may feel attraction to people outside the relationship. Attraction, for me anyway, is usually not a conscious choice. In that sense, I do believe what you partner described is normal. What is within our control, is how we act when we experience that attraction. Pursuing or indulging in that extra-relationship attraction is the precursor to infidelity, even if it is never disclosed. On the other hand, for me, it serves to reinforce my commitment to my partner and motivates me to resolve issues and rekindle the attraction with my partner. Finally, to disclose it to your partner, particularly in a overt attempt to hurt them, is neither normal nor healthy. Overall, it seems apparent that, at best, your partner does not have a healthy sense of appropriate behaviour and communication in a committed relationship, and at worst is setting up, or already has, a situation to justify acting outside the relationship. TLDR, I think you know what you need to do; let this one go. Good luck, T
    4 points
  34. Yeah, slow it down with your expectations. he is away on vacay.. Let him have his down time & low expectations from you. You two had a talk before he left, sounds like all was well. Is no big deal that there's been no real communication in time span of 6 hours! How about one good morning text and see IF he msg's you by bed time? Even if it's only a cpl small msg's a day, is still something. We need to try and NOT lose ourselves in a relationship, So, keep on doing what you did before you met up with him.... hang with your friends, get out there, do your own things.. We all need a life still, outside a relationship.. You don't want him to see you as too 'needy', but more as 'all is okay'. Let things go as they are.... relax. And let him do the same. See how he seems when he returns. I feel he'll be okay soon after he's back.
    4 points
  35. Say this: "We're incompatible. It's time to go our separate ways permanently. Please do not contact me anymore. Please respect my wishes. Thank you. I wish you all the best." Don't complain, explain nor make excuses. Don't discipline nor lecture him. Be respectful yet very firm and final. Be strong and tough. You can do it. Yes, it will hurt. However, the hurt fades the more steadfast, unwavering and serious you are for your best interests. You do what you have to do and think of how you are better for it in the long run. In the future, you can afford to be more picky and choosy. Pay very close attention to character because being with a moral person is tantamount. Nothing else matters in your life.
    4 points
  36. You have plenty of quality friends and family you can count on. You don't need this negativity constantly creating background noise. Let go and free yourself from this. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. When you drop this "friend", you will feel better and be able to date again, free of rehashing all the drama and hurt.
    4 points
  37. I know it doesnt look like it right now, but you did the right choice. Those kind of girls (in a bad relationships or even fresh out of ones) have a tendency to go back to those kind of relationships. Or even to seek equivalent to those. So unless you wanted just something physical, dont think you had a very bright future there. She would be back to that guy or just wouldnt leave him at all. You are maybe wondering if she would leave if she had you as a backup. I dont really think it would of make much difference. And that you did the right choice by not pursuing that kind of girl. You are infatuated by her so its hard, but trust me, your choice is good. I would be more worried about this And that you going to parties and getting drunk because of some girl wont help you with it. Would still go and found some other girl to occupy your attention. Its a party so its bound to be some nice single girls there. But if you think you cant do it and it would lead to what you said, just dont go.
    4 points
  38. I'm very sorry, OP. It sounds like you finally got the irrefutable proof that your marriage is indeed over. I can see why you're extremely hurt, and your wife is an ass. You have done the right thing by finally moving towards divorce. For now, keep to your separate quarters at home as much as possible. Is there at least another place you can sleep, if you can't leave the home right now? I would not advise sharing a bed with her. Maybe you could spend a weekend with a close friend or family member, just to get some breathing space? Take your girls out for a bit, or even take them for a Daddy-Daughter weekend somewhere so you can away from your wife without raising their concern just yet?
    4 points
  39. My best advice is to be careful who you let into your life even if it is for a one night stand. ANYONE with a hidden pictures on any site should be avoided at all costs. There are a lot of people out there just looking to use others and sometimes harm them. Please be safe. I am not a fan of online dating sites but they do help weed out some of the jerks and liars. You might want to rethink the whole in real life dating thing, everyone is so busy these days many use it as a time saver for meeting someone special. No reason you cannot do IRL and OLD. I hope you made him wear a condom. Good luck Lost
    4 points
  40. I'd approach dating a bit less from the "looking for long term" and more just taking it one date at a time getting to know people and figuring out what does and doesn't work for you. It's a bit like building a house - you start out by laying a good foundation and figuring what that actually is. If you get focused on all the details you want in the house, you'll just get overwhelmed. So I'd get a good profile online and just go on dates with an open mind. Don't over chat too much before meeting. Keep initial meetings light and brief and then decide if you want to see them again or not. Don't get fixated on what he is thinking, focus on what you need to learn about him. Also, get involved in things where single guys can be found - coed sports, hiking/outdoors groups, meetup.com may have hobby stuff like that in your area. Tennis is full of single men. So find some venues where you can meet men organically as well and see if you happen to hit it off with someone. The good part about late 20's and 30's is that you have really good options for dating as those who went to grad schools and those who focused on getting their career going are hitting the market looking for marriage and family. So do be aware of that and don't feel like you are behind the curve or something. You are in prime pickings time.
    4 points
  41. I know a lot of firefighters and my nephew has been one for a long time and the stories he tells of the cheating antics is terrible. Hidden profile, travels three hours to see you, forward with wanting sex, hard to reach later all make me think he isn't divorced. As far as you not wanting to do online dating well I hate to tell you that you just engaged in online dating just not with a paid site specific to people looking for relationships. This guy trolled through women until he found one he thought he could get what he wanted and he did. Nothing to feel bad about because you both wanted sex and are consenting adults but I bet if you got the real story it wouldn't be what you had hoped for. More knowledge for your dating experience. He is off to new adventures is my guess. I am not saying he wouldn't want round two with you but sex is about all you are going to get is my guess. Lost PS these guys have a lot of down time between calls so texting back and forth is easy EXCEPT when he is off shift and home with...
    4 points
  42. What? Why would you even allow something like that? Look, that guy is a psycho. If he indeed found somebody else and that is why he wont see you, be glad as it could be blessing in disguise. Because guys like that are always one move away from literally killing you. One "wrong" move by you and he will not hesitate to do so. So, get away as far as possible from him. I would move away just to be sure. I am more worried about you. And why you allowed complete and total psycho all that to the point you live in prison. You dont go out, you dont hang out with friends, he tells you what to wear like its 1950s and he even needs to monitor your every move around the house. Do you even realise how insane that sounds? Get control over your life.
    4 points
  43. This isn't dating. This is you having no boundaries and allowing a stranger to control your life because you thought you knew him and you thought he was into you. This is about having healthy boundaries, respecting your needs, and looking out for and blocking red flags in people asap. Also, it's about not giving in to your feelings or fears (of loneliness for e.g.) when making decisions in life.
    4 points
  44. You did the right thing by blocking him. This relationship with him was shallow, empty and going nowhere. In the future, take it very, very slow and don't rush otherwise you'll regret it again. Heed those red flag warnings and really get to know a man before you go too fast with him. Always observe character and make it your number one priority. Nothing else matters. Haste makes waste.
    4 points
  45. I am very sorry about the loss of your child. In my opinion, none of the two men is right for you. As much as you appreciate your husband as a person you are not physically attracted to him and that means that none of you will be happy if you stay in this marriage. How old is your husband? It sounds like you married him based on his capacity to provide financial security and like you may be on different life stages. As for your ex-boyfriend he sounds abusive. After you got pregnant he stopped caring for you and treated you badly. That was before you lost your child so there is no excuse whatsoever for that. Plus, he uses weed to escape from his problems. These are MAJOR red flags that he CANNOT be trusted. Life is hard at time for everyone and he has shown that he is ill equipped to handle difficulties in a healthy manner. Imo, it would be a huge mistake to ever get back with him. The best thing for you would be to learn to stand on your own two feet instead of relying on men to take care of you. Do you have a job? In my opinion, you need to stay single, work on becoming financially independent and once you learn stand on your own two feet, find a new man whom you are genuinely attracted to and who does not neglect you nor mistreat you nor falls off the wagon when life gets tough. Good luck!
    4 points
  46. Husband is well aware of the state of your love life together, so why not ask HIM if he'd prefer, now that the kids are grown, to be free to find someone who will love him the way he deserves?
    4 points
  47. If you do decide to leave your husband, I very much doubt the OM will welcome you with open arms. I'm not sure if this guy is your cheating partner, yet if he is do you feel he could trust you, and vice versa. Either way, after 12 years of messing around on your husband, you owe it to him to set him free, and allow him to find someone who understands the definition of marriage vows.
    4 points
  48. Wonder if your husband would agree that you've been living as "just friends" or if he would be in for quite a surprise at this kind of a description of his marriage. Such a typical cheater line you are using there OP trying minimize your bs while attempting to gain people's sympathy. Anyway, if you cared about your family, you wouldn't have spend the past 12 years cheating on them. Doing the right thing in terms of divorce seems a bit overdue. So yes, get a divorce and if you really care, then walk away with nothing. Let your husband have everything - house, money, pensions, etc. Tell him why. That would be one tiny step in righting over a decade of lies and deceit. Are you prepared to do that? Doubt it. You are too selfish for that. Duping your family is so much more thrilling.
    4 points
  49. I'm a fan of lying to protect someone's feelings as in not blurting out "yes you look fat in that outfit" to "tell me the truth...." This is different -this involved her health and also his values -she gets to decide whether she's ok being with someone who chooses to get drunk and chooses to have sex with a person as a second choice after his first choice declines - certainly he was single as was his sex partner but the way it happened including drunken sex -some would be totally fine with that -I know people have casual sex when drunk of course -but she gets to decide whether that reflects his values, standards, common sense and she gets to decide whether she needs an STD test.
    4 points
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