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Showing content with the highest reputation on 09/19/2021 in Posts

  1. Quite often we don’t get people to validate us, not even parents. You will need to validate yourself. If you are not getting what you need from them stop discussing this topic. If you don’t get invited stop making a big deal about it stop hunting them down and looking for invites. Just stop the interaction.
    4 points
  2. Thanks for your replies everyone I think I should have stated that in my original post I seem to have times that I find her more attractive than others. I am aware that some people have better angles and lighting can play a large factor. Sometimes the attraction is not a problem but at others it really does get to the point it gets me down and sends me into a spiral of doubt and shame... I think it is this that has confused me for all this time. If I did not find her attractive at any point I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. She has a large nose and quite a large jaw. She clearly had these features at the very start of the relationship therefore I can't work out if this is something I have fixated/overanalysed overtime n or is simply something I have noticed as the 'newness' of the dating process wore off. I have researched relationship OCD and wonder whether I have traits of this, yet there is always the chance that it simply is that this relationship is not a good fit in that respect. This is a really good point. Clearly she deserves someone who finds her truly attractive and desirable on the outside aswell as inside. As I say above, my conflict is that sometimes I can feel that way! (just not all the time)However, I am also full of worry that I could deprive her some of her best years with someone who truly values her in everyway, everyday, but I am desperate for that person to be me! I think some of my issue has been that in past relationships that I have been very attracted to my partner I have found them to be more selfish and less kind/loving. So perhaps have developed an unfortunate sense that these qualities are in fact mutually exclusive in a partner. This is the advice from everyone, loud and clear essentially. I would be so sad to leave her and I know it will devastate both of us. It is this fluctuating attraction being the only issue that makes me so anxious I will regret this decision. Can I try lots of gratitude or try and fixate on the positive aspects of her looks (beautiful eyes, nice body etc) Having said this, I'm also aware that after 2 years I am having to come on an Internet forum (talking to friends about this feels horrible) to mull over through this dilemma clearly something is not right and I will likely have to end things. It just feels like such a shame as she feels like my 'soul mate' in every single other way. Again all your help is much appreciated.
    4 points
  3. This is your answer, and so it's up to you whether you want to continue your investment in trying to convert this guy into more than that. Personally, I'd read that writing on the wall and spend less time with him, more time investing in finding the right kind of relationship for me. This guy is not that, and you'll feel this more acutely once he finds a lover to spend more time with. This doesn't speak of anything undesirable in you, but rather, it speaks of his limited vision, which you cannot change. Head high, and write more if helps.
    4 points
  4. Okay. Maybe you miss being in a relationship, but I remember your post and you guys are not compatible. No need to force anything. No need to let this drag on (2023!!). Let it go. Focus on enjoying your new journey and you'll meet a more compatible and healthy person on your way. Relax. He wasn't the one.
    3 points
  5. I was wondering the same thing Wiseman. OP, it's totally fine to not date now. Your parents have the right to guide you this (and say whether or not you can date). You're so young and these are crush stories. Once you'll be 25, you'll look back and laugh.
    2 points
  6. Honestly, I would just let it fade away. I am sorry she isn’t grown up enough to realize that friends don’t have to agree on everything and don’t have to apologize with for most views unless they are racist, sexist or ableist etc.
    2 points
  7. I'm really sorry. It takes two people to want things to work out. He doesn't. He wants to end the romantic relationship. You shouldn't try to convince someone to stay who doesn't want to. He doesn't care if you date others or marry someone else. Which means he is not that into you anymore. He wants to explore other options. He wants you to do the same. A person who wants to be committed to another person doesn't want to explore other options and would be devastated if the other person did He only brought up all the excuses because you didn't let him go. Once someone says they do not feel the same and want to date others sure you can ask why but typically the why will be either that they are not sure or "I'm not ready for a relationship" (with you). Sure if you'd done something wrong or unintentionally hurtful the person would tell you that but wouldn't want to end things -more like "look I'm really upset you did ___ and I'm thinking of ending it because it's so hurtful but why don't we talk it over" -at the very worst that is what is said. He didn't. He wants to end things. He listened to you plead to change his mind. But he doesn't want to be nagged into being with you. He doesn't want to "work on things". I'm sorry you're disappointed but don't tell yourself it's "confusing" -that's you making it confusing. He was very direct about what he wants. To see other people. So let him. And I'd suggest not staying in touch as friends because friends talk about who they are dating. That won't be good for you to hear. I'm sorry you're disappointed.
    2 points
  8. You’re his friend and take care of of you. He will break your heart when he meets someone he is really into romantically and will tell you about her and show you how he feels. You will know. He will light up when he speaks of her. Best you distance yourself so it’s more of a twinge when it happens than heartbreaking. I knew more than one woman who wasted several years on men who never asked them oit and they kept looking for “signs “ that weren’t there. My former friend M did this for four years. I remember I couldn’t keep my mouth shut anymore when after about 3 years she told me how he put his head in her lap at the airport where a group of them were going on a trip related to a shared activity. I blurted out “he’s leading you on! Why are you letting him do this and he knows you’re into him !!” I mean he had to know. She didn’t appreciate my input. A couple of months later she was thrilled when he wanted to spend the whole day with her at a local park. Which is when he told her that for the past few years he and another member of their group who she was good friends with had been secretly dating. But they’d broken up. Did he ask her out then ?? No. Of course not. Because he was never into her that way. She’s in her 50s. Single as far as I know. I know at least in her 40s she was still looking for a serious boyfriend She is so so pretty and lovely and wasted years of her 30s on this guy. He was very handsome and to me very arrogant when I met him a few times. Another friend traveled with her crush and did everything with him and he dated a few gals but never serious. So she kept pining. Finally in his late 30s he met his true love. And they had a baby shortly after marrying. He never led on my friend but imagine seeing your friend’s Facebook full of photos of his lovely wife and adorable child. Makes you sick just thinking about it I bet. So distance yourself today. It really will hurt so much less when he meets his person.
    2 points
  9. It's all about the child's needs, not yours. I just don't think she will get anything from a birthday card and FaceTime hellos. Kids value in-person quality time with a person. And kids don't need to get attached to people flitting in and out of their lives. If her Dad finds a forever partner who doesn't want you around their daughter, it will be in her best interest not to have to let you go when she's older and more invested.
    2 points
  10. You're too close to the situation, too infatuated to realize she's not a decent person. Being in a bad relationship is not a good reason to flirt with and kiss other guys, and behind her bf's back to boot. Don't think you're so special that if she was free and you two dated, that she wouldn't seek out other guy's attention when you two had an argument. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." An emotionally mature person ends one relationship before beginning another. She's using you for an ego boost at the expense of your feelings and her bfs feelings. And you think she's some prize to win over? She knows she's hurting two people and she doesn't care. There are pretty, single women out there who don't cheat. For a happier experience, I suggest extricating yourself from this toxicity, block and delete, and go for a woman free and clear, and with better ethics, to date.
    2 points
  11. Loving someone is not a good reason for staying when your partner clearly doesn't love you as you should be loved. If she loved you, knowing you're tired from your long day, she would make sure she contributed her fair share of chores to ease your burden. And you've communicated your needs. When a partner actually cares, and your request is reasonable, she will want to please you and improve. She hasn't. You can't be a sacrificial lamb, giving up a life of happiness because you think she won't be able to cope on her own. She's an adult and responsible for taking care of herself. If she chose to previously pickle her brain instead of earning a nest egg to ensure her own ability to keep a roof over her head, that's on her. If she had to temporarily go to a woman's shelter, oh well. When YOU stop enabling her, she will either all of a sudden learn to be financially independent, or more likely pour on the charms to a new man to give her the shelter she won't provide for herself. In your shoes, I'd begin to get her names off of your credit cards and as a co-owner of your bank account if that situation exists. And then get divorce papers. When you get time and distance away from her, you'll kick yourself at how you stayed. In my first marriage, my situation wasn't exactly like yours, but he didn't pull his weight financially and treated me poorly. I divorced him and eventually found a partner a million times better in every way. I wish the same for you.
    2 points
  12. The answers lie in your original post, OP. She is self-absorbed. You are not selfish. This is a nightmarish situation OP, and the sooner you extricate yourself the better. She will cope on her own, believe me. She will have to. No use crying over spilt milk, but the lowest point in your life is PRECISELY when you should not embark on any kind of relationship.
    2 points
  13. You're going about this all wrong, OP. If you want to see if she is genuinely interested, tell her to contact you if and only if she breaks up with her boyfriend. All you're doing right now is helping her stay in her relationship, by making their low points more bearable for her. When they fight or something, she knows you will be there as back-up to pay attention to her. Stop doing that. It's not going to make her come to you. Find out if she is serious about all these feelings she claims to have, and set a firm boundary. If she disappears, you will know that she still wants to be with him more than you. The prospects here aren't good anyway. She is showing you that she's the type of girl who cheats. Granted, she is young and inherently immature and bound to make poor choices as she goes along, but you will probably not enjoy being the guy who helps her learn how to behave like a mature adult. I have a feeling that even if she does break up with him and come to you, there will be a lot of drama and back-and-forth with him and all kinds of other noise.
    2 points
  14. But it's a huge issue, OP. It affects the very core intimacy of your relationship, which is a big part of what distinguishes a romantic partner from a friend. It's not as though this is a minor niggle. It is a problem that cannot be corrected, and it impacts your ability to be intimate with her. I do not think you will regret letting her go.
    2 points
  15. I think it is reasonable that he wants to take quite a bit of time before introducing you to his children, but I don’t think the way he’s going about it is decent. To have you hide in a closet or completely upend your plans without so much as talking it out with you so that you are also comfortable in the situation is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. His children do come first and they should, but he can put them first without it being at the expense of you. I think he is coasting and the fact he hasn’t defined or reaffirmed his intentions for some time just to make sure you know he’s in this with you, shows a lack of commitment. In your shoes, I’d tell him where I stand and ask him where he stands, and if we’re not walking in the same direction after that discussion, then I’d end things. If you are, then I’d tell him he needs to find a better way of handling things/your relationship and his kids.
    2 points
  16. Basically you have been dating since you were 14 years old. I can't help but get the impression that she has outgrown the relationship but hasn't got the guts to call it quits. I could be wrong of course, but to me that's how it looks. Maybe time for you to have a talk and ask her how she really feels about the relationship, because right now, it looks like she has one foot out of the door already.
    2 points
  17. Going by his behaviour it doesn't sound like they have "split up". OP, right now you are just a side piece, a little bit of fluff to boost his ego. It's pretty obvious what you should do.
    2 points
  18. @takewhatuwant he has a kid and is a workaholic if I remember well. You're a free spirit with no limits. Focus on being you for now. The fact that you consider reconciling in 2023 is just very absurd. Likewho does that? Go on your travel, and when you're back, if you're still in the same mindset and he's available... It won't hurt to try. But you can't tell someone to wait until 2023. That's not how it works. It's quite selfish, to be honest.
    2 points
  19. She's not a good friend if she needs to drag you into political and other rants. There are plenty of like-minded people out there who are not so opinionated that they offend people left an right. You were right to stop listening to this nonsense. Let her go to rallies and do whatever she does without annoying you. Choose peace. It would be best to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. People who she is friends with could start spamming you with their rants, etc.
    1 point
  20. Ok so you are 15? That's ok your parents can make rules even if you believe they're unfair. All you can do is be consistent, trustworthy, get good grades, etc. to earn their trust.
    1 point
  21. You dont even want to know how much times I heard "I am not like that" only to find out after a week they are exactly like that. Again, who knows? Maybe he just wants to go out and have fun. What is certain is that he wanted to leave and he told you that. And that you shouldnt have questioned that. Because it just takes you further "down the rabbit hole" and wont get you answers. Again, its mostly just excuses anyway.
    1 point
  22. Yeah, sounds like a lot is bothering him.... and what's his solution? To disappear? (and you say he's been doing this for a year, so thru the whole relationship).... As mentioned, you're going around & around in this with him and he's given you plenty of excuses, so he is trying hard to get out of this with you. 😕 . IF someone is truly into you, you'll know it. Not offer you off to go see other's. Sadly, yes, this mean's he's giving up. So, you accept and remove yourself. Keep your self respect and ask for nothing more! You two are still very young and have a lot to learn & experience. So, please just leave him be now. He's not happy being involved anymore... Can't make someone love us.
    1 point
  23. Sorry this is happening. When did you move in together? Are there issues with finances, work, dividing up errands, chores, responsivities. Is there someone else either of you have your eye on? Have either of you let yourselves go? Do you both work? Are you caught up in domestic drudgery, forgetting dates, romance, etc.? Have either of you started drinking, taking drugs, getting caught up in hobbies? Usually withdrawal from sex/intimacy has to do with unspoken/unresolved conflict. Have you talked about goals such as marriage family, etc.?
    1 point
  24. Shame it never truly flourished, but I kinda agree with dad. This fantasy type is something for many, at this age. Is all we want... and we feel it's so perfect. BUT, at 14, you have no idea 😕 .... It most likely would not have lasted, as you were still so young! And because of your age's etc... No, he'd most likely not be the love of your life. Only your first BF. Many HS crushes do end... and we learn to accept & move along with our lives.. But, yes, they do also leave an impact & some real memories. Is fine if your dad says you can date by age 18, but I am sure you'll be involved again before then. 18 is pretty much when one is done school. And many have had some experience there, in the 'dating world'. Was an experience. And you will have a few of those, I'm sure. Was nice while it lasted 🙂 . Take your time, stick with friends & keep on with your studies, get that done first 😉 .
    1 point
  25. That’s really not in my interest level. I like to contribute by helping people. I read novels and watch tv when I want to hear those sorts of stories. I also was completely besotted and in love at 14. My first real kiss a month after John Lennon was murdered and it was to the song Imagine. He broke it off a month later. He also was 14.
    1 point
  26. Your wishful thinking has you assuming he's spending more time with you because he's into your romantically. More likely, some of his other friendships have probably drifted away so he's seeking you out since you're convenient, available, and he can continue with a busy social life. You showed him signs you were available for closeness. He rejected your signals. Stop thinking of him as dating material and go back to thinking of him as just another friend. Spend less time with him so you can achieve this. Plus, if you're pouring loads of emotional energy and time into a friend, it will limit your time with achieving your goal of having a bf. Since people are normally very busy with careers and possibly education, and only limited leisure time, a person has to choose wisely how they should use that leisure time wisely, for their own good.
    1 point
  27. That's not what he said. He said it's about her nose and jawline.
    1 point
  28. Okay....I'm going to stop you right there. She is not married to him, she is not being forced to be with him. They are not shackled together. At any given time, she could phone this guy up, tell him she's not happy, and end it. But she is choosing to be a cheater. Do you understand that.....a cheater. Someone who cheats, has the ability to lie, to pretend, to manipulate and has zero loyalty. You need to re-read the above line a few hundred times to realize what kind of girl this is. If the relationship with this guy is not good, then she should have done the right thing, ended that relationship, been a decent girl, and had a bit of space between the end of that relationship, and then starting something new with you. She chose to be the worst kind of woman, instead. Lying to probably both of you, manipulating you by making you feel sorry for her. Meanwhile she is kissing and in bed with you, and with him. (don't kid yourself, she is still intimate with him). And is not caring who ends up hurt in the end. One of you will end up hurt as both of you think you're the center of her attention, and neither of you actually are. You need to send her a message that you don't allow yourself to get involved with cheaters, because if she can cheat on him...she 100% could cheat on you one day. Block, move on. Find someone who isn't playing games like this.
    1 point
  29. I agree with your entire post Andrina. And you tell us she is on benefits?! Driving a convertible. The Social Security Agency will be so impressed! She is beyond selfish. Even though "sober" that selfishness so innate in the alcoholic is always there. It is time you reached a decision OP. What are you going to do?
    1 point
  30. It sounds pretty bad. Sorry you're going through this. One question: Is there a reason why she doesn't work? From the outside looking in, it seems like she's a mooch living a lazy comfortable life and contributing nothing. Like a leech. She needs to get her act together and make an effort at the very least.
    1 point
  31. I'm sorry it's like this. Indeed, a good partner would have supported you, and even suggested some tactics so that you feel safe and it doesn't affect the relationship too much. It's sad, but he'll always be like this. Always was. So, you know what to do. Take care of you and your child. Please ask friends and family for support, and don't do it all alone.
    1 point
  32. Oh yes, she is cheating. Sleeping on couch, staying out of work until late, going out until late with "friends", taking shower supplies, she is spending her time at somebody else place. Because, its not her friend she spends her time with. Friend is just an excuse for you. Confront her, but fair warning, cheaters dont usually out themselves. So she will probably be dodgy about it and gaslight you. Nevertheless, this should be enough for you to just leave because there is clearly something going on with her
    1 point
  33. I figure this is why you are ostracized from events.... they are selfish, toxic people. And knowing this explains plenty. You cannot reason with them or get along. If your mother feels she stuck in the middle of of it all, could be she's not wanting to be and tries to bow out of your disputes ( unless she is the same, then you won't get far with her in this either) 😕 . Either way , knowing people like this are toxic and impossible to deal with, don't interact with them at all. Less the better, right? For your own sanity. There's all kinds out there. I have a cpl toxic sisters as well and I don;t bother with them... One's far away and It doesn't bother me at all. We stopped talking years ago, due to her attitude and jealousy. So, is maybe best to just stop questioning why they do the things they do , as you are well aware of their behaviour.
    1 point
  34. The reason you broke up wasn’t solely because of your geography, as you were back in Canada and then he went away to Tokyo and was too busy to afford you even a second thought. You said this wasn’t unlike him, as he is a workaholic and the fact he didn’t even allow you to enter his mind enough as to even fully engage with you on the very rare occasion he did call was very upsetting to you. He didn’t have his baby in Tokyo with him, so his lack of communication was all him, not a result of running around with a baby completely consuming his every minute. I would know - I have a young (now) toddler and when his father went away for a month I still had time to reach out to others. Now with a full time job and a baby, I still make the time to reach out to others. Furthermore, the bold and underlined statement I’ve quoted above shows your lack of considering a situation to the end. One major reason you wanted to end the relationship was due to not wanting to settle down as an instant family right off the bat after just meeting. As much as you liked the baby, being anyone significant in her life right now was not something you were ready to do when you broke up. Now you want to be involved with her beyond the relationship despite it being a major factor in why you chose to end things. This doesn’t make sense as it is counter-productive to your core goals and values right now. Nor is it fair for her to get attached to you. In addition, in your very first post, when you presented the dilemma of whether to stay in Canada or return to Asia, you said that your life was in Asia and that is where you are happiest. You gave the very strong impression that you intended to stay there indefinitely. You were given the advice (by me no less) that if your boyfriend was the right person for you then perhaps suggesting temporary long distance and seeing how you may be able to overcome the situation of location when the time is right may be a good way to go. You never acknowledged that potential option and instead went with the idea of likely ending things. Now that you say you intended to only be in Asia for one more year, it gives the option of a temporary LDR even more viability if you really wanted to make it work with him. The fact is, you didn’t. It is totally normal to miss somebody you invested in, but don’t let that cloud your judgment that you and he, while being a good fit in many ways, are neither a good fit over all or at the right times in each other’s lives for this relationship. Even if you changed the timing, you can’t overcome significant incompatibilities. You and he are like a good but not great pair of shoes to each other - a good pair of shoes are quite comfortable to walk in, up to a point, but when they start hurting, it progresses quickly to a level of pain that makes walking impossible. A great pair of shoes are always comfortable to walk in. And, some shoes just don’t fit from the get-go. You and he are a good pair of shoes, but life partners need to be great in order to stand the test of time and the rocky paths they will inevitably face.
    1 point
  35. You're not an employee, you're a contractor. That's your ticket to try out any assignments you please. If you opt for the more advantageous role, quietly let negotiations play out until you have a firm offer and start date. From there, you can inform the current company that you've been called for a project that's been in the works, and you hope to be considered for a return after it's completion. Either your relationship with current company and its need for your skill set will align for this return, or not. Speaking only for myself after 20+ years of contracting, I'd let the chips fall on that and pursue the more challenging, better paying role.
    1 point
  36. What is your question, exactly? This woman is done with your relationship. She just hasn't told you yet.
    1 point
  37. I do see where you’re coming from, as I used to have a very severe obsessive compulsive anxiety disorder for over 20 years - couldn’t leave my house for 3 years at one stage or even look outside my window without having a complete panic attack to the point of being in a catatonic state for hours after. So, I do feel for you and your situation and really hope you don’t have to go through this for much longer. You have my utmost compassion. I do, however, also see your partner’s perspective. It is incredibly hard to deal/engage with anxious people at times. It isn’t his fault and, to be honest, shouldn’t be his problem that you have anxiety (beyond the dynamics of your relationship and your incompatibility (if your are) directly causing/contributing to your anxiety). He shouldn’t have to take your emotional instability or extremes just because you experience anxiety. It doesn’t justify your treatment of him even though it may be your reason - and a very understandable one at that. You are already on the right track and doing your best with therapy, but perhaps explore additional avenues that may support your counseling, such as medication or something with a more holistic approach - whatever fits in with your values. But try to keep in mind that you are asking that he make allowances for how and who you are and you should also do the same for him; he cannot meet you 100% of the way. Having said that, I do not know him, but perhaps he also needs to be a little more compassionate and understanding of your anxiety, more so than he is being. If you and he cannot do that, then you and he are incompatible as partners and need to reevaluate your relationship.
    1 point
  38. Do you take any medication for the anxiety?
    1 point
  39. I agree with the others. This cannot be salvaged. you've recieved a lot of good advice here. And I will add: Do NOT tell her the reason is your attraction level or her looks. This will destroy her self confidence. And frankly, WHO ARE YOU to decide she is attractive or not. I agree physical attraction is important. I also recognize physical looks do fade. But you should not start out a marriage or continue a romantic relationship where you feel repulsed by the person. Do the kind thing. End it because you don't see a future. And if you end up regretting it, then you have to live with that. You probably won't. because this is not the woman for you. You should not feel the pressure of time to settle with anyone. Your age is the wrong reason to settle. You will regret that. you're not a bad person for not being attracted or for wanting to be attracted to your partner. In a lot of ways, attraction is the only difference between friendship and romance. At some point, we all struggle with a seemingly great person on paper but something is missing. It's ok. Just end it. Do it in a way that you set her free with love and compassion. She deserves that. She's done nothing to deserve being put down for something that is just your opinion. Not seeing a future is a reason. You can say you are sorry you can't explain it but you respect her too much to waste her time. You've enjoyed your time and will always want good things for her. And in time she will see this is for the best.
    1 point
  40. One of the most important life lessons to grasp early is that people react to circumstances differently. We can't project ourselves into another's shoes to claim that we understand them, or worse, that we can fix them into responding as WE wish. When I encounter someone going through a difficulty, I adopt my most gentle approach to let them know that I care, and I'm available to help--or to back off--whichever they prefer, AND that they can change their mind about their preference at any given time. I'm here. Then I shut up. I listen to them. If their responses is silence, I listen to THAT. I don't try to coax or cajole a different response from them. I might send a card or message or gift, but I won't word it with an expectation of a reply. You get to decide for yourself whether to keep someone in your life who has a coping style that makes you unhappy, OR whether, for your own head, you'll want to pull away. Sometimes pulling away can be temporary. It can be your way of allowing their pull-away to just 'be'. If they change their mind and want to seek you out, you can decide whether you'll want to re-open that bridge. No choice you make for YOUR SELF is wrong. Projecting expectations of another person onto that choice is what will drive you nuts--so don't so that. Head high, and write more if it helps.
    1 point
  41. I am with you 100% Capri. How can you even ASK that question OP! You have said you are repulsed by this woman. You've wasted her time over two years and you know full well you should have given up at the six-month mark when you became quite aware that you were not attracted to her. Indeed you saw what you call her large facial features the first time you met her. Repulsion and disgust at the idea of intimacy are most certainly very valid reasons why you should. Unless, of course, you are planning to put a bag over her head each time you make love. I utterly agree, Choco.
    1 point
  42. I can't speak for you, but I would do absolutely NOTHING with him. Nobody else can 'give' us closure. That's for us to claim for ourselves. Just as this guy wouldn't give you the answers you wanted while you were with him, he has even less incentive to try to give you anything helpful now. So stop making your healing about him. You get to decide whether you'll want to transform this experience into a learning opportunity that strengthens you and builds confidence in your resilience and ability to grow, OR, you can opt to use it as a reason to shrink and feel lousy and set yourself up for a future of playing small. You already had the clarity to notice that your values, desires and communications styles were mis-aligned. That's just a bad match. It doesn't mean you were 'wrong' or undesirable, it means that you were trying to turn a bad match into a good one--and that never works. Don't use movies or romance novels as a guide to fantasize about turning a lousy match into happily ever after. That's ego food, and it sells. It's a formula to create fiction, but it's not a realistic approach to dating. Decide who YOU are and what YOU want from a relationship, FIRST. From there, you can screen out bad matches with confidence going forward instead of breaking your own heart by investing in anyone who will play with you, but will never give you what you truly want and deserve. Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you are too bored or lonely or insecure to stop yourself from picking up the snake to play with it." Head high, and write more if it helps.
    1 point
  43. You are literally the definition what would in Sternberg "Triangular theory of love" be called companionate love. Sternberg has a theory where love is based on 3 different scales: passion, intimacy and commitment. Companionate love would be the type of love where passion is either not there at all or was there but faded over time. Its usually the kind of love you have for friends but on a partner level scale because commitment is also there. All the feelings you described, how you can talk all night, have fun, even to the feelings how she would be the great mother of your kids, would be something people in companionate love would feel. Also companionate love could be long lasting one. IF you accept it as such. Meaning if you would be satisfyed with other emotions you would feel such as trust, care, respect, loyalty etc. And not be based on physical attraction. There are a lot of couples that are going through nicely without much passion for each other later. Especially married one. However, if physical attraction is very important to you(and sounds like it is) and you cant get passed that, its better to just leave now. You dont want to get into situation where down the line you will meet some pretty girl at work and get into affair because your wife doesnt attract you.
    1 point
  44. No. Absolutely no. Seriously dude, reverse the above to HER saying she finds you unattractive, your physical flaws, your large facial features and being repulsed by YOU. Would you really believe this can be solved? Stop using her for your own selfish reasons just because you're too much of a coward to leave the relationship. This says a lot more about you, than her. No, you can't make this work. Man-up and grow a set by doing the right thing and leave.
    1 point
  45. No it cannot be salvaged and it should have never gone on this long to begin with. What you describe in terms of qualities you like about her and value, describes most women out there. The fact that you are not physically/sexually attracted to her isn't going to change and yes, as time goes by you will feel more and more repulsed by her. This is not fair to her or to you. Please stop wasting her time and end this yesterday. In short, stop being so selfish and using her companionship while you lust after other women. Enough is enough. Please realize that if you carry on wasting time on her, eventually you will end up cheating on her. She deserves better than that. You also deserve to be with someone you actually feel attracted to who is also everything else you are looking for. Again, with heavy emphasis, your needs are not that unique and she isn't so special that no other woman could live up to that. Attraction and good qualities are not mutually exclusive qualities.
    1 point
  46. BUT ...... All of this spells for disaster, as YOU will never be fully satisfied with this woman. You have no desire to be physical? Well, that is a part of a healthy relationship. I feel you have over stayed this relationship - pretty much since you started to see differences you didn't fancy ( after those 6 months..). As you said, you do care for her.. but are not 'in love;.. it happens. So, now you be honest! You inform her of this.. that is just isn't there 😕 . We can only 'fake it' for so long.. And never stay with someone out of fear of your future! Just because Tommy has a toy truck, does not mean you need to have on as well. We all go at our own speeds throughout our lives... My brother did not marry until his late 30's and was single, by choice for almost 10 years. So, best to be honest and end this with her, so she can accept, heal & move on with her own life.
    1 point
  47. She's giving you the old, "It's not you it's me" song and dance. She's doing everything in her power to make herself unattractive to you, hoping you will give up and dump her. She's not saying it directly but she wants to breakup. Why? don't know, and you may never know. Just leave her alone and move on.
    1 point
  48. Here's a good rule: ANY time someone tells you they are selfish and inconsiderate, believe them. She knows she's hurting you. She's selfish. Don't make excuses and try to minimize that ugliness. You're only hurting yourself. People like her will never change.
    1 point
  49. I'm thinking about what kind of person I used to be, and I get a clear picture of who I was, before that time. Clearly more open, more extroverted, more emotional, very much more unique with my dress and manner, more creative, more able to put myself out there. Didn't mind standing out, letting people see me, willing to play harmonica for my friends. More socially adjusted, less self conscious, although still lacking in self esteem and confidence, with a certain vulnerability. I may even have been a virgin and a bit of a square and now I'm like a worldly cynic in comparison. It makes me feel sad, for what I lost, and what I missed out on for forgetting to be that guy. I wonder how he would have faced his 30s. What my current friends, those who never knew him would have made. There's a nostalgia too, a desire to feel that way again. But also more optimistic that even though I feel now like I never discovered myself, I actually did. I had it for maybe 6 or 7 years, in my 20s in Liverpool but why not also in my 40s in Carlisle? Not every time I cast my mind back is nostalgia about when this bar was open and that band were new, there is plenty I can learn from. Being the person I want to be seems attainable now I know its a person I used to be
    1 point
  50. Going by your description of how much he avoids you and wants nothing to do with you at all, in any way, I would have thought that's enough for anyone to stop crushing on him. He's made it more than clear and obvious that he wants nothing to do with you - that's your cue to do the same and stop trying to "get back his interest". You cannot make someone like/love you, no matter what you do. You stop crushing by learning to accept that this guy doesn't want you and you move on the better things. It's done.
    1 point
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