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Showing content with the highest reputation since 11/25/2005 in Posts

  1. I think love4life has a very good point here and I've seen it happen. I would also say I've seen more women do this to dumpees. OK my theory? Bear in mind this is my experience of women from the point of view of a man and I've seen far more women than men do this and far more women than men do the rebound route in my humble opinion. The other way around may be different. I've dropped in here from time to time so I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth(oh oh) If the dumpee sticks around trying to be "friends" with the dumper, the rebound person has a much easier time of it. The rebound person doesn't have to be that emotionally supportive, because someone else is taking up the slack. A someone else who knows the dumper far better. This goes back and forth until the rebound learns enough to take over from the dumpee and that's when the dumpee is pushed out(or they find someone completely new). Basically, if the ex is a long termer and the couple have gone past the honeymoon stage and are in the attachment stage, they are still in that attachment stage even with the split, especially if they were very close and the split wasn't an aggressive one. The dumpers are in the honeymoon stage with the rebound. The dumper gets the best of both worlds. Great deal for the rebound as well, as they get all the fun of a couple without the hassle. The dumpee get's to be a shoulder to cry on, sleepless nights and no sex. Not a good deal. When people say they're torn between two lovers this is generally what they mean. They can be in love with both, but at different stages in the relationship. They're making one lover out of two essentially. They get the excitement of the new with the comfort of the old. This is why the "lets be friends" stuff happens. It's also one of the reasons why affairs in otherwise strong relationships can happen. You can be in love with two. the ideal is to stay with one through the attachment, but all too often people want the easy or more exiting option. Work is old fashioned. You'll hear this quite plainly if you listen to the dumper. They say things like "you're my best friend/brother/sister etc" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That's attachment. The basic reason they're not in love with you and are with the rebound? The fact is they are more sexually attracted to the rebound. They have more desire and excitement for the rebound. Simple as that. Now I know some will be saying that the split was because of their commitment issues/mother/friends/job/party phase/stress/distance etc etc etc. Yes they are some of the causes, but if the ex was still very sexually attracted to you and desired you on a basic level, they would stick around. Find out the reason why you think that happened. Find out the causes and if they're in your power to fix them, then fix them as you're next relationship will probably founder for the same reasons. Most importantly do this for you. Don't buy this? OK look around objectively at relationships you know that have had bigger stresses on them than yours. The ones where they're always fighting, breaking up, cheating, yet still stay together. Look at the women and men you know in what you see to be bad relationships that seem to have no future and are always up and down. The men you know with dense, needy, weird, bítches and the women you know with broke bad boy hairy bikers. Why? Beyond the obvious like bullying or possessive scenarios, they still have that sexual chemistry and attraction going on. Look at the early honeymoon part of your own relationships. You will take far more crap and outside stresses at that stage than later. You don't even notice the problems then. Usually the exact same problems that will usually split you up as a couple down the line. I digressed... Back to the rebound/dumpee situation. The dumpee is like a pair of comfortable slippers, the rebound is like a pair of expensive pumps. As I say, over time with the dumpees help, the rebound becomes like a pair of expensive pumps with more comfortable heels. OK very stretched out anology but you get my drift... The rebound will generally fail in the long term because the dumper hasn't had enough time to get over the previous relationship. The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails. This is an advantage to the dumpee if they use it. They use it by letting the rebound do all the work. After all they are getting "paid" for it. If you're a dumpee in this case and if you want your ex back. Which let's be honest this is what most here want. Do NC or very LC. I would go against some of the advice here and say if you are on good terms with the dumper, don't do cold NC. Don't just drop off the face of the earth. Yes the dumper may panic at the sudden loss, but the rebound is there to comfort them and take over. The longer the dumpee has been taking up the slack of the rebound, the more likely NC will have little effect. At least little effect in the way most here are truly looking for. It'll look like you're punishing them. It can also look petulant and childish. In this case the only way they'll come back is if the rebound dumps them or hurts them. When you go NC, tell them and tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you both need to move on(that's the big point to make), wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on. If they ask, "is this forever" or "do you think we can be friends in the future", point out you don't think that's such a good idea but you never know what the future may bring. Leave it at that. If they call and they will, sooner or later, keep the conversation short and sweet. Do not bring up the old relationship and if they bring up the new one, wish them luck. Mean it. If you don't want the best for her/him, you din't love them in the first place. You're just in selfish panic mode. Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on. If they do come back into your life down the line(and they will if you do this and there was a good connection in the past), then the new more attractive, more self sufficient you that doesn't need anyone, but may want to share your life with someone, will really get their minds and more importantly their hearts thinking. It'll also get their sexual side thinking too and that's what really split you up in the first place. The lack of neediness, added strength is a BIG plus point if you're a man. If a woman felt they left you as a boy and then she finds you as a man six months later, then you are in with more than a chance with her(and every other woman). This will also increase your mystery to her as it should come as a bit of a surprise to her. All good. Especially for you as a person. Men are more visual creatures in general, so if they see the ex and she's lost weight and looks sexier and more confident, he will think twice. Women are both visual and emotional, so even if you show up like Brad Pitt and are still the needy, weak, non committal boy they left, the most you can hope for is "ex sex". Yes it's true that you can't make anyone fall in love with you, but you can increase the chances that they will. These chances are far higher in one way with an ex as they've already fallen in love with you before. Time apart and you acting like an adult, not being needy, getting physically fitter and more attractive will attract them or any other person far quicker. It often boils down to this. Humans are attracted to what they can't have. They are really attracted to what they thought they had but now don't. That's one of the big reasons dumpees go into a panic when the split first happens. That's why dumpees forget about the dumpers bad points and concentrate on the good. If you want them back reverse that. Basic human nature. I've seen this work time and time again(with men who have been dumped). Before anyone says this is playing games. It isn't. In any case we all play games and hide our true intent when we want to get someone new. We all have tactics for that. Put it this way, on your first date do you belch, scratch yourself, show up in old smelly clothes, with your hair in a mess or with no makeup? No you don't. You "play the game" of attraction. Same deal here, with the advantage that during this NC if you do it right, you're making yourself a better person for whomever you end up with. Use this split to your advantage. The ball is in your court. Use the pain to make you the best you that you can be. If you don't you'll be going through this again and again and you'll have no one but yourself to blame. It was a bit rambling, but I hope I got the bones of my weirdo theory accross. Awaits the flames....... PS In your time apart look at the ex. I mean really look at them. Did they make your life better or did you just think they did? Also look at your exes new relationship. Is the new person bad for them or are they better for them than you were? Only you know the answers to these questions and you don't need a psychologist/counselor/shrink to tell you either as if you're honest with yourself you know the truth.
    29 points
  2. Hello Everyone..... It has been quite a long time since I have posted here but I will tell all of those who do not know me, I have been through it all and this is the place to come....**A small warning to those who's hearts are broken and nowhere close to healing.... do not go on your FIRST instinct. It is usually wrong.** You must remember this...no matter what your situation, no matter how bad....or how insignificant....there are things you can NOT do to get them back... How many people out here have done things that seemed like a great idea, yet did not turn out as expected. ( I.E. Calling, meeting them out unannounced, cards, letters, IM's etc etc. )?? We have all done it because we are too hurt and let our broken hearts take over instead of our brains. I have done it myself. Trust me.....it hurts more when you do something of the best intension and it only gets thrown in your face later as manipulative and deceiving. If you have had a situation where you hear the words, "Let's break up", "I think we should date other people", "It's not you, it's me", or any other line out there....you have to use your head..not your heart ( for now). If your arm was broken, would you try to rely on it to arm wrestle?? ..NO!! it would hurt so much worse than what it already was. Silly analogy, but it works. If someone wants space, give it to them.....and I mean completely. No calls, no letters, no ANYTHING....YOU DO NOT EXSIST....period! If you think dieting is hard or quitting smoking.....try staying completely away from someone you LOVE with all your heart....if you can do it, you will me so much stronger in the end. Do not let the thought of, "But if I don't see them, or contact them, they will forget me, or move on." Stop over romanticising. Let nature take it's course. YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT WILL HAPPEN...BUT....you can however INCREASE your odds by NOT DOING THE THINGS THAT PUSH EX lover's away. Example: "I will call her and talk just to check on her.." You call and she is NOT there, because she is out....." You will drive yourself NUTS wondering what she is doing and who with. DON'T punish yourself !! You will continue to fall into the void you have already created. Letters and e-mails are a big no no. You have to be firm with yourself. Don't do it. It will not be seen like a "Sleepless in Seattle" moment...It will only push the person further away because you are not giving them what they want. Give them all the time they want. ALL OF IT! Even if you don't see or hear from them in months...DON'T do it. Again, I will stress how awful it feels when you do something you feel is right and it backfires. You end up beating yourself up more because your heart was telling you how sweet the gesture, or idea yet you didn't think clearly enough to look at the BIG PICTURE. Man, does it hurt. Trust me..they very rarely see an act as a positive thing no matter how good it sounds or seems to you. Alcohol, drugs, or anything like this is a big no no!!!! You end up making them RUN AWAY!!!. They will not feel sorry for you, they will usually look at you patheticly and say "Thank gawd we are broken up" or you get drunk and decide to call because your numb and a mystery "someone" answers the phone. DO you like to torture yourself? Well I don't whatsoever. In short, don't do anything...give them space.....give them time.... REMEMBER THIS: If you do nothing....you cannot screw ANYTHING UP. If you do something....it could be the very thing that pushes them away even more than they already are.....I wish you all the best in getting what you need and deserve.....Just be honest with yourself NO MATTER what.. --Thanks Guys, SuperDave71
    20 points
  3. Everybody throw your hands UP
    18 points
  4. Hi there, There really is no way to know if your ex will come back or not, and holding onto hope can be a dangerous thing for you, emotionally speaking. The key is to let go of that hope and work through your emptiness to realize that you can stand on your own two feet without your ex. This is going to be what you realize on your own in time, and right now it will very hard for you to accept it. Now, I am not saying that your ex won't come back -- I am saying there is no way to know, and you have to give up expectations while at the same time doing the right things. This might not make sense right now, but read on. What you are experiencing is completely normal. I've been there, and seeing this as a game will just mess with your head. The key is to realize that the actions you are taking (in this case, NC) are about you, and not about getting your ex back. If she comes back, it's going to be because she realizes what life is like without you, and makes a choice for a deeper commitment, so long as you allow her to face life 100% without you. So, your actions might lead to your ex coming back, or might not -- the point is that you need to let go of expecations of her returning, because having hope will trigger your abandonment wounds, and she will reject you if you pursue her, and that will send you into a depression, which is why "no contact" is so important. Now, that said, your ex, on her own, needs to be confronted with the consequences of her choice -- namely, losing you forever. If you let her have you both ways (i.e. having you in her life, but without the commitment), then you're really going to suffer. It's okay to respond to your ex, but only tell her that you want to respect her space so that the two of you can move on. You can remind her that being contact makes harder to move on and you really can't be friends right now. Otherwise, avoid contact that could be interpreted as you pursuing her. That is hard, because over the days and weeks to come, she may do things that "trick" you into pursuing her, and then she will reject you or not meet your expectations (or hope) and then you will get angry and/or depressed. If you are struggling with closure, you could tell your ex that you would like to have closure, letting her know that it will help you to get over her and to move on. That is ok because it's not threatening to her. This is a bit of reverse psychology, and only do this if you can be mentally and emotionally be strong -- it doesn't sound like you could handle that. You can't be weak and desperate if you choose this route, because then she will see you as an insecure person and drop you like a hot potato and you will get very depressed. It is so important to move on without expectations. You are feeling the emotional pangs of abandonment and emptiness, which is very normal, and it is very difficult to resist the urge to contact your ex, but doing so will only send you into a depression while you are in this vulnerable state. You need to realize that your ex is focusing on her needs in a very selfish and narcisstic way, and she is not really concerned about your needs. She might show a little bit of caring, but it won't be much. This is hard to see, especially at this early stage, because you will be tempted to put her up on a pedestal and to dwell on all your good memories, and you will wonder why she seems to be having such an easy time getting over you. The truth, she has to cope, too, and there a lot of defense mechanisms that kick in to help her get over you, and she will likely feel relief in the days and weeks to come, and this would be very hard for you to witness, so stay away from it. You are experiencing emptiness. So the real question is this: how do you take actions that maximize the potential for your ex to go into HER emptiness and have the chance of facing the reality that her choice means losing you forever, while at the same time not holding onto to any hope or expectations that she will come back? This is hard, but necessary, because you have to realize that if she were to come back to you, and only if the relationship is VIABLE, then it's really only worth it for her to come back because she works through her emptiness of living life without you and discovering that she misses you and wants to make a conscious choice for a deeper commitment. If she doesn't do that, then it would never work anyway, and knowing that, and if you understand it, then you can be strong and know that you can move on without any expectations. She could come back, but if she did so without facing her emptiness, she would take you for granted and then dump you again. Of course, it varies and I don't know your full story, but if you do not pursue her in any way (NC, with occaisonal polite but distant replies to contact if she initiates it), and if the relationship is a viable long-term relationship, then it typically takes a couple of months before she can consciously process her emotions and have the chance to feel empty without you. If you pursue her, or if you respond to any mixed messages from her by pursuing her, or if you get sucked in when she reaches a little, then you will dilute the process and she will not feel the full consequences of her choice. That is why NC is important. It is amazing how an ex can get you to pursue them and they don't even know they are doing it -- when you do pursue them, they reject you and feel even more certain of their decision. They get you to pursue, but then they reject you again and again and you will go into a depression. Stay out of those traps. When she contacts you, be polite, but remind her that you want to give and respect her space and freedom, and that being friends right now just won't work. Be caring, but do not tell her that you miss her. Let her be insecure about you -- maybe you have moved on and found somebody else? She won't know. Let her be insecure. Let her face the possibility that you are gone forever. Do not initiate contact with her, though. Take control and let the ball be back in your court. I know it's hard, but you can do it. You have the advantage now of knowing that this is about you. She may seem to forget you now, and not to miss you, but if the relationship is viable, and if you do not pursue her, then she will miss you and will face her emptiness, but that doesn't mean she will come back. That, ultimately, is something only she can decide, and there's no amount of pursuasion from you that will change her mind. You have to take care of yourself, do not pursue her, and let go of the hope of getting her back. In this regard, then you can honestly say to yourself: (1) I can stand on my own two feet without her; (2) if she doesn't come back, then she didn't have emptiness without me, and therefore it never have worked in the long run; (3) if she were to come back, having faced her emptiness, then you might be willing to let her back into your private world, which will never be the same as it was before -- it would take work, patience, and love to reconcile. The key here is to give up trying to control things in order to gain control. I am telling you that you can take steps that maximize the chance of her coming back as a result of working through the emptiness of losing you forever, and you have to realize that if she doesn't do that, then the relationship would not likely have worked out anyway. Viable relationships stretch out like a rubber band with a break-up, and then, so long as you have space apart and do not pursue her, it can spring back together. But, if it doesn't, then you know that it wasn't meant to be. I know some of this is probably not what you want to hear. Most viable relationships are salvagable, but you have to take the right steps, and you have to make yourself your number one focus. If person A loves person B, that's great. If person B also loves person A. That is even better. If person A loves himself and person B loves herself, and they both love each other -- then that is really special. Take care of yourself -- that's what she is trying to do, too. I hope this long message makes sense to you and helps!
    16 points
  5. Hey guys, just wanted to update everyone. I retook my test today and PASSED! I remembered I came in here crying about it and figured I'd let you all know it turned out okay in the end lol. Thanks for all the uplifting and thoughtful, kind words. 🙂
    13 points
  6. You would think after being raped recently I will never want to date or look at another man again. It’s the opposite. I’m not ready to date by no means but I haven’t given up on the idea of love. I think I never will. I know inherihently, I have a lot to offer and will enjoy being with someone. Im looking at the spring for seriously finding someone and being back on dating sites. I have goals though before I can do this. My weight loss goals slightly changed. After the trauma occurred I decided I’m not in the right headspace for weight loss surgery. I took a month off of the gym to heal and I’m going back Tuesday for personal training. So I’m doing this the natural way. I’m being realistic about my expectations of what I want in life. To be honest I was never the one to set out a list of requirements about a guys appearance. Like he has to be 6’1 and have tattoos….no I was never that way. If anything I look more for the character of the person. He needs to have patience and be genuine, respectful and honest. Basic right? To me it means everything the guy have a lot of those basic traits. Looks honestly never mattered. I just want the one who makes me smile. so what I’m trying to say is I have and never will give up on love. I don’t think the Rapist could take that apart of me away. I still believe in the goodness of someone’s heart.
    12 points
  7. Words of wisdom worth sharing: 1.) You can be a friend to someone (phone them, message them, plan outings, etc, but if they're not a friend to you (reciprocating all of those things), then that's not your friend. That's you being a friend to them, but it's not being reciprocated. One way relationship, but not an actual friendship. Those that don't make efforts back, or don't treat you as well as you do them, just let them go. Find actual friends, not one way relationships. 2.) Tolerance in a group, or with an individual, does not mean friendship. They may be polite to you (even friendly), they may tolerate you, but that doesn't make you friends. There is a world of difference between those that just tolerate you and those that are genuinely happy to see you and happy for you to be apart of their lives and want you to be apart of their lives.
    12 points
  8. Just wanted to put in one last moment here. I began with one level of awareness here and as I came to a new level experienced two things. One was that people seem to be on their own journeys at their own pace. And another was that as I came to a new understanding there was less support here. I think this to be natural now. The short story for me is that I lost my partner and used to spend some time on this board. When that happened it seemed she was being immature and unreasonable. Over time I discovered that I was just as nuts as she is. And I began a learning process that I was changed by. Through that I was able to bring her back into my life. This process was not days, weeks, or months - but years. So I want to tell you, it is possible. If you really...i mean really get your act together. But I believe it will not happen by itself. My belief now is that when people split it is because both are equally screwed up and neither knows what to do about it. Though the one who has been left has the power to change it. The one who leaves, less so. That's my belief. Here are some thoughts that I have seen regularly on this forum that, from where I look now, seem to be ways of looking at things that stand in the way of getting that 'great' relationship back. I encourage you to discard these ways of thinking. While at the same time supporting and validating the folks who currently are in this frame of mind. I understand you too and you make sense given what you've been through. I've just seen different. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- No matter how you try to bend this situation, hon, it doesn't change the facts. She's gone. I came accross another thread that talked of GIGS breakups. And my case seems to be a perfect example. All the symptoms just fit in right. You broke up for a reason, because it wasn't meant to be. Nc is for you. NC will make my partner miss me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not going to get into the details about why these thoughts seem to me not so helpful. I encourage you to find the answers for yourself. What I can tell you is that my belief is that any form of punishment, invalidation, or withholding does not lead to real love and healing. It is wounding that lead to the struggle and the separation. Continuing the hurt and inability to understand your partner can not get it back. For a time, I think it's natural to believe that someone else may work things out better or that through withholding you can get a partner to 'want' to come back. This is usually the state of mind the leaver gets in and the leavee ends up with. At first. But my belief is that we choose each other precisely because of the problems we have with each other, as well as the good things. This is how I believe our minds seek to complete an uncomplete 'growing up'. And that taking rather than giving space doesn't solve anything. So for all of you in great suffering here. I want to say I hear how much pain you are in and I have gone through this too. And I don't think it's fair or was supposed to be this way. But I believe this is the result of being mishandled by our parents more than what is happening today with our partners. Though I also believe it is directly related. Some thoughts I have about that are..as natural as it is, let go of the blaming. Realize that as an adult nobody owes you anything. You've got to earn it (that's a hard one I think). And recognize that romance is a stage that gives way to a struggle. I don't think this is the natural order of things, but it's the world we live in. Learning to go beyond the struggle, you can climb out of the world and find the ability to give real love and healing which will in turn bring real love to you. The details are so complicated I can't get into it. But I wanted to put it out there, perhaps for those ambitious as I was to find the answers. So with respect and kindness for those who suggest withholding as a 'strategy' for 'getting you back'...I recommend learning validation, mirroring, how to make your partner feel safe, and how to invite them to share. While at the same time giving up the belief that your own reality is the ultimate truth. It's my belief that the unconscious belief that ones own truth is also true for our partner is the core reason why things don't 'work'. And that only one of the partners has to do the work of getting beyond that. The other will be unavoidably compelled to follow if you really do the work. What may not be so apparent is the ways in which you are lacking. That's normal - those are your blind spots. But who doesn't want a really together partner? It's now my belief that if your partner leaves it means you are missing something important AND they are missing the ability to deal with it. Only one of you has to change to fix that. That my partner left, I came to understand, meant I didn't have it together yet. Didn't matter that she didn't either. For a good long time, I believed that she had control over the situation because she was the one willing to walk away. But now I've seen different. She wanted that great relationship just as much as I did. Walking away was simply her best solution at the time for getting it. When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed. Breaking up and moving on is the norm. I encourage you to go beyond the norm, even if it may seem at the moment that the choice isn't yours. I believe it is.
    12 points
  9. The Grass Is Greener Syndrome (AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus) I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems. In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy. This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa. Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows: * Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too. * Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break. * An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't. * Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on. * Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with. One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life. The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them. Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups. So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person. If anyone has any questions, I'll be happy to give you my opinion on the matter. Good luck, everyone.
    12 points
  10. UPDATE: Haven't posted in awhile so thought I would write a little update Things have really been going smooth for me and my new Angel - we've been together a little over a year now - she's moved in and as cheesy as this sounds "she completes me." 🥰 She is one of the most caring and loving souls I have ever met. We are still taking things slow - but I think we may be ready to make this more permanent. She's simply amazing - hard to believe we spent all that time as classmates - only to fall in love later in life. What I love about our relationship the most is we have both been betrayed and we are both so sensitive to each others needs. She's always checking to make sure my fragile heart is okay. It's so many little things that she does for me to let me know my heart is safe with her and I make sure she gets plenty of attention as well. We just can't keep our hands off each other 😁 I love that we have so much in common - we spend most of our time just snuggled up on the sofa by the fireplace watching old TV shows and movies. We both want to move this forward - but we haven't set a date yet - maybe sometime before the end of the year. I went out and visited my EX FIL's grave the other day - I really miss him. Got a letter from the EX - won't go into great detail - it was more of the same apologies and confessions. She's back in therapy and going to school - says she's trying to get her life together and that she may have to put her mom in a convalescent home. I feel bad for her mom - but I honestly felt nothing for my EX - I could not tell if she was being genuine or just playing more games. I told Angel about the letter - we don't keep any secrets from each other. I asked if she wanted to read it - she just smiled and said she had a better idea and chucked it into the fireplace - I happily concurred. I also got a little karma news about the OM - apparently the guy was pulled over by the cops and busted with a bunch of Meth in his trunk - he got arrested and they towed his car. I think he made bail - but he's in a lot of trouble! Oh well - play stupid games - win stupid prizes My buddy is about to retire from the PI business to spend more time with his family - We go out together as couples almost every other weekend and have a blast. Overall I am doing OK - having a great time - loving life - business is still booming - and my heart is racing again. Well that's all for now - Thanks again for listening Stay safe out there.
    11 points
  11. For those, like me, who have difficulty maintaining NC, there are a couple of things to bear in mind: [1] All the time we are available to them, seeking them out, or reassuring them of our feelings, we are pushing them further away. [2] We can all remember how previous exes finally showed interest again the very moment we really had let go, moved on, and started focusing on other things - even though we had made all the terrible, needy, insecure, desperate, and downright damaging moves early on after the break-up. [3] Our exes almost always give us exactly the information we need to get them back, if that is at all possible: they tell us to move on; they tell us not to keep loving them; they tell us to forget them; they tell us to find someone new; they tell us to sort our lives out; they tell us to forget about ever getting back with them - these are all the actions you must take to find yourself after a break-up, and finding yourself and changing your focus away from your ex is what will ultimately bring them back, if that can happen. [4] Almost every time we do contact them, we sooner or later regret it deeply, and that puts our self-development back a good few notches. [5] Holding on to the past is not healthy, and you need to be in the healthiest mind possible if your next relationship is to be one that works. [6] Getting back with an ex when there is still some pain, some insecurity, some lack of confidence, some annoyance is surely a recipe for disaster. If you are to get back with your ex, it should be only once all the water has passed under the bridge so you truly can dive right in to a more refreshing relationship next time around. Let the baggage go before you go shopping again! [7] How many times have you been frustrated trying to do something well or right only for it to get worse and worse the more you try or practice? How many times have you found that, by taking a short break from that task and focusing on other things, you were able to come back and do it considerably better? [8] You say you truly love and care about your ex and can't understand why they won't try again with you, but do you truly love them enough to let them go - to give them the space they need - when clearly that is what they want right now? Are you being there for them ... or are you actually being selfish and being there for you? Selfishness has no place in a healthy relationship. [9] You are obviously a good person, one who believes in making efforts in relationships - so how about giving others a chance with you? Be open to sharing yourself at this point: go out on some dates and show the world just what a great person you are, and don't be so mean as to focus it all on one individual who really doesn't want it right now. [10] Give the one you a love a challenge. We rarely appreciate what is handed to us on a plate, but we treasure - and desire far more - those things that we really had to work at. The fish that put up a fight and nearly got away is far more treasurable than the one who floated to the surface to be easily scooped into the net. [11] A refreshing break will help you get yourself back, but even better than before. Your ex was attracted to you once, and that was when you were yourself: you weren't needy, crowding them, desparate, crying, begging. If you are to get together with your ex, it must be as a totally new relationship, with you being the person they once fell in love with ... not the one they are currently pulling away from. [12] By being there for your ex when he or she is clearly not being there for you, you are giving a very clear message that such behaviour will not just be tolerated, but actually rewarded. By showing your ex that you will always be around no matter how they behave or what they say, you are conditioning yourself to accept less than you deserve, and you are conditioning your ex to always be unthoughtful, heartless, selfish etc. in order to get your attention. That is not what you want for you, and it is not how you want to teach any loved ones to behave. NC enables you to nip such bad behaviours in the bud, before they become a destructive mode of loving and having relationships for both of you. [13] Going NC is a great way to give yourself time and space to be the kind of person you want to be, to improve yourself by working out at the gym and reading a few good relationship books, so that you can make the maximum impression on whomever the next one will be. [14] NC gives you the opportunity to look at yourself, your ex, and the relationship objectively and work out what you can do to be a better lover next time around ... and whether this really is a relationship you want to revive. [15] NOTHING you can say in your call, email, or other message can gain you more points than the million or so you will lose by not giving them the space that they - and you - so obviously need and deserve. [16] By sticking around, you are not allowing them to miss you, and realise just what they're missing. Go NC and your absense will make you much more conspicuous. Let him or her miss you. [17] Going NC allows them time to forget all your bad points while you work on them. [18] Others will only value you if you value yourself, and going NC is a great way to show the world that you consider yourself to be priceless. [19] By going NC, it's impossible for you to do or say anything wrong. [20] If you have been very pushy and needy since the break-up, your ex will be totally surprised if you break contact, and that will at least make you interesting to them again. They will be expecting you to bother them, but you won't ... how mysterious! [21] Going NC puts you back in control. [22] What you have been doing has not been working or you wouldn't be here. So try NC! See why 9 out of 10 ENAers recommend it! [23] NC is the best way to end those patterns we get into that always bring about the same destructive result; it ensures a new trajectory for your relationship, which can only be better than the one you were on previously. [24] "I'm going NC" or "I'm in NC" has a cool, assertive sound to it! Seriously, though, it's an assertive action, which is probably something you've not been doing much of recently. [25] Think of someone you regard as having great relationships (all kinds: friends, lovers, family, etc.). He or she is probably very happy, and more than likely very attractive. Now, ask yourself what he or she would do in your situation. Beg, cry, 'be there for them', try to prove his or her love? I don't think so. Would he or she go NC? I'll leave you to answer that one. [26] Take a good look at the posts from people who got back with their ex. Notice a common theme that runs through all of them? That's right: their exes all came back after an extended period of NC. [27] Going NC brings us in line with our exes instead of acting against them, because trying to get back with them is not what they want. Which is more likely to take you where you want to go? Leading a horse, or pushing head-first against it? [28] If you've been knocking on someone's door for way longer than you should, they won't open up until they're sure you've gone away. [29] Would you really want to be with someone who gives in to pressure from crying, begging, gift-giving and manipulation, or would someone who is attracted to those who are calm, assertive, confident, and non-needy be more likely to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve? Then you need to be that calm, assertive, confident, non-needy person. [30] NC is easier to spell than any other alternative. [31] NC puts the ball in their court. If your next contact (and most thereafter) are initiated by your ex - that is, he or she comes to you - half the battle has been won. The ex's mindset is now on coming to you and not moving away. And coming to you will be his or her choice - very powerful stuff that! [32] Not enjoying the pain of the situation right now? NC is your bus ride away from it. [33] Remember how new love always comes along when you're least expecting it - when you're not looking for it? And how we never meet Mr or Mrs Right when we're trying to? NC closes the door marked 'Expectation' and opens the one signed 'Opportunity'. [34] You're trying desperately to hang on to something that's slipping away from you; better to let go now so you can get into a better position where (and when) you'll be able to catch and keep this time - or realise that there are other better catches out there. Let go so you can have what you want! [35] Nothing can make them come back. So do nothing; nothing works! Go NC! [36] Studies show that rebound relationships almost always fail, so, if you've just broken up with your ex, use NC to let time pass and wounds heal; if you jump right back into this relationship before you and your ex have recovered, you will be the rebound! [37] Which sounds more attractive and desirable to you? "Please love me! Please love me! I need to be loved by you!" or "I'm happy just being me."? [38] Often, you really have no other choice. [39] By going NC, we spare ourselves the pain of finding out bad news and the hurtful confusion that comes with trying to work out what their words meant. [40] Stuck for the best way to respond to contact from the ex? Easy: say nothing. "I hate you and never want to see you again!"; best response = NC. "It's not you, it's me."; best response = NC. "Just wanted to see how you're doing."; best response = NC. "I will get a restraining order on you!!!"; best response is definitely NC! [41] If you stay in touch with them, there's the very real danger of becoming a safety net for them while they look into starting relationships with others. Go NC and you'll leave them hanging in mid-air wondering how they're going to survive without you. [42] Focusing so much of our time, energy, emotion, and even money on getting our exes back means other areas of our lives are surely going to suffer. Going NC allows us to focus resources on achieving other things, and - you know what? - that makes us attractive. These are just some of the thoughts that have been coming to mind after nearly six months of break-up with my much loved ex. I'm probably worse at NC than anybody here, but I am certain I can do a lot better if I keep referring back to these points. I'll add more as I think of them. For me, NC means not contacting them, and it means ignoring any words or behaviours that you do not want to encourage, but it also means replying nicely, calmly, confidently, without neediness or desperation, and briefly to any messages or behaviours that you would like to encourage from your ex ... or others that you may later choose to have a relationship with. But it means not in any way trying or accepting reconciliation until at least 30 days - preferably more - have passed and you are able to look at the whole situation objectively and without obstructive emotion. Hang in there all!
    11 points
  12. When you are contemplating getting a third job so you can hang on to and support a leech....I think you've completely lost the plot on what a good relationship looks like. Sorry to be so blunt. There is nothing that you can say to him because he is not interested in getting a job and changing the status quo. Why should he? He gets to sit home and do absolutely nothing while you work 2-3 jobs to support him and pay his bills. You've got to admit that he has one heck of a good deal going with you and no matter what, you will not get rid of him. You whine a bit, he blocks you, you keep working paying his bills, he keeps living off you, you make bs excuses for him being a leach and a user and he keeps living high on the hog. Also, serious question - what does he do all day long when you are working that much? It's very clear he is not actually applying to any jobs and he is not taking care of his mental health either. Truly the only way is for you to tell him that you can no longer afford to keep him and he needs to move out by x date. See how quickly he gets a job or dumps you and moves in with someone else as you are no longer of use to him. I'm sorry, OP, but this relationship of yours is entirely parasitic. You really need to think long and hard why you are tolerating this and even defending it by asking people not to tell you the obvious - dump him.
    10 points
  13. Here's the thing.. when someone is ok with you coming in to take the reigns of their life, don't be surprised when they aren't independent. And if you want someone who is independent minded, you can't go in acting like a knight in shining armour. Acting as you did, jumping at everything she asks or needs, will attract to you women like this who are easily swayed by anyone she sees as having power to meet her needs.
    10 points
  14. For what it's worth. maybe you have anxiety about moving in because you know it's too soon. you're not very confident in the strength of the relationship. Can you keep your place for a while and see how it goes? I think it's reasonable to acknowledge given the circumstances of covid, moving in makes sense, but because you're kind of rushing a very serious step. it also makes sense to have your own place. Then give a time frame. like in 6 months, you'll give up your place.
    10 points
  15. oh geez... I am sorry. But here's the thing ... this guy is not a good partner. And for that reason not the ED. I think you should walk away. If he contacts you in the future you can deal with how you feel about it at that time. As an outsider here are some serious red flags, you mentioned - alcohol abuse, poor nutrition, Marijuana abuse to the point it could be causing ed. is a big deal - saying you spoke this into his life and essentially blaming you for his poor life choices. This is total bs! And very telling of the type of person you are dealing with. Run! - that heartless text. that basically says, he's out and dont you expect anything from him and if YOU can't handle it, then he doesn't know what. Then goes silent?? again, very telling of what you're dealing with this guy.... RUN! All of his misfortunes, the death, the hospital the ED.... Aren't deal breakers. You were probably right to not be so harsh on him. But now? Yeah this guy kind of sucks. not kind of. He does suck. Consider this a blessing. Move on. He's not a catch. You deserve better than a selfish drunk, drug addict that not only can't get it up but can't communicate either.
    9 points
  16. I'm sorry, but all I see is an incredibly selfish and immature girl throwing a tantrum like a toddler. She really needs to grow up (imo). Does she always behave this way when she doesn't get what she wants? How old is she? Personally, if it were me, I would head for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.
    9 points
  17. "Why doesn't his wife care that he's cheating?". I think that the question which should be asked is: "Why don't I care that I am having an affair with a married man"?
    9 points
  18. Wow this is quite the about face, as you announced yourself to be a ‘too nice’ person in a previous post. You’re showing your lack of character and integrity here by first harbouring an interest in your friend’s bf and then wasting no time to jump on horse once they broke up. And none of this somehow registers as a problem in your mind. If anything, you think She is the problem! This shows a lack of empathy for your friend’s feelings and an utter disregard for your friendship with her. Honestly, if a long-time ‘friend’ did this to me, I would consider this a betrayal and sever all ties.
    9 points
  19. Thanks all. Would he stay with my friend’s daughter? Yes, but in the beginning he probably would be trying to rip open the door to my bedroom and stuff. When I am in the shower and such, no he doesn’t melt down. He is at the point where he keeps himself busy. I found out something awesome today at work - our museum got a very large grant. We will be seeing a (small) raise in 45 days, and apparently something I didn’t know is I can utilize the childcare even when I am not there. It’s part of the museum 90 day perk package for employees (im about to get my review in 2 weeks). You get a reciprocal membership, standard 90 day raise(this is separate from the raise coming from the grant) and access to childcare during museum hours as long as you are scheduled for at least 15 hours of the week that week(I always am). So this is really cool. The raise is not as big of a deal to me as the childcare. We can also watch remotely from our phones. So…I think picking up some flex gig or another PTJ is the way to go. Thanks again everyone.
    9 points
  20. OP, you agreed to ENA rules when you registered. Let me remind you of Rule 6: "Please post in letter style. Use paragraphs, punctuation, and capital letters appropriately. Netspeak and shortcutting (b4, str8, etc) are difficult to read and not permitted in posts." No-one is being rude (other than you), but if you want any decent responses, please have the courtesy to make your posts readable and understandable.
    9 points
  21. "I understand. Thanks for being honest. I'm dating because I want to find the right woman to have a relationship with. Since that won't be happening with us I wish you the best in the future."
    9 points
  22. What do you do ? Don’t be passive. Talking isn’t only up to her, right? You stop talking. You don’t have the same life goals so you end it before someone gets hurt or wastes their time .
    8 points
  23. Not a big mystery here. He's not ready, but if he's still on line he's killing time and acting on his curiosity. I wouldn't give this much weight. Anything other than a yes, is a no. Let's go another the next step. It's a signal of readiness or something similar? Do you want a guy who was willing to lose you and just a moment ago wasn't ready? Hold out for someone who sees your value and shares your enthusiasm. Nothing less. It's been a long time since I internet dated. But having done so off and on, I noticed that times I stepped away for months or even years in between, there were still men on line that I might have met previously that apparently were never ready. I called them squatters. Suss them out quickly and don't let them waste your time
    8 points
  24. My wife cheated on me after 20 years together. I caught her a few months in and have been divorced for over 10 years now. I actually owe her a big thank you but she will never hear me say it. She was a selfish lying person that put herself first even before our disabled son. I have been happier these last 10 years than nearly anytime with her. My advice. Tell your husband the marriage is no longer what it was and you are no longer in love with him and you want him to have the chance to find someone to share his life with that truly loves him. Be as gentle and fair about splitting everything up and hope your children never find out what you have done to their father. You have been a selfish lying spouse for 12 years, I think you owe him the freedom from you. He may not think you are doing him a favor at first but in time he will trust me. Don't be surprised if your bf isn't interested any longer after you are free... Lost
    8 points
  25. So, what's next, sex with you in the presence of his friends, may be? He has been absolutely disrespectful towards you and if you have some sort of self-respect, you should dump this jerk asap. He is 51, not 15, even teenage boys would think twice before disrespecting a girl/woman like that.
    8 points
  26. Update......I left. I packed my stuff and left. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and he flipped it on me and made me out to be a terrible person. So I left. I'm hurt and relieved at the same time. New Beginnings..... Thank you guys for your input.
    8 points
  27. (I got this idea from another forum I visit frequently, if one like this already exists by all means ignore / delete this one.) OK, it seems a few of us have had a rough time with the darned NC. I had fantasies today of unloading all this anger, longing, and "W-T-F" onto my ex. I am creating this thread as a place for all of us in pain to post instead of contacting Ms/Mr ex. It could actually be kind of fun, at least a release. What would you like to tell him or her? Even if it's been building up for years, post it here! Rage-fest! Longing-fest! DO NOT CONTACT that frigging ex, put it all here!!
    8 points
  28. That right there is the red flag the size of China. Don't waste your time and emotions on a guy who keeps you and your relationship a secret while making himself busy acting single with other women. It's not about the picture or whether he is holding someone around the waist, it's that he is presenting himself and acting single behind your back, keeping you out of sight and just as a convenience. Dump him and don't look back. Also, your instincts are correct in terms of being upset by it. Just....rather than trying to fight about it or "fix it" learn to observe, listen to your gut screaming at you, and walk away.
    8 points
  29. It sounds like a typical LDR... you enjoy all the fun and the visits but you're not there to actually experience life together. I don't think he's pulling your leg. taking care of a dementia patient, especially a parent, is hard work- physically, mentally, emotionally. But... if you can't go to him and carry more of the burden, you're kinda just left with a pen pal. You're not being realistic. When you're caring for a sick parent, there aren't a lot of opportunities for extended breaks where he can go across the country. I don't think you really seem to empathize with him. You're really just thinking of yourself and what you're missing out on.
    8 points
  30. I agree with your sister. I don't think you beer comments had anything to do with it. He wanted sex. That's it, really. I am not sure why you think you did something wrong. He just wasn't into this for the same reasons you were. As such, there is really nothing to say to him. His distance tells you what you need to know, unfortuantely. I would let it fizzle and not hook up with him again.
    8 points
  31. Today we got our RHU offer and I got everything I wanted . 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and central air and a recent renovation ( 2017). Only $100 more a month than we pay here. We move first week of September. Sad I closed my daycare early but it will give me a summer off.
    8 points
  32. Ahh, the kids. I think it has been mentioned many many times in your previous threads about being an alcoholic and trying to have kids. You need to be fully sober in every way before getting into having kids. It would be hugely irresponsible to bring a child into the world when you binge drink and get drunk and pass out etc. No child deserves that. Anyone who is aware of that could (should) report it (imo). As for trying herbs and supplements to stop drinking - that will never work and I think you know it too. I think you're clutching at straws because you really DON'T want to join AA (as you've mentioned before), so you try herbs etc to make yourself believe you really are trying to quit, knowing full well that it won't work. You need AA and a good long stay in rehab if you seriously want to stop this.
    8 points
  33. He's getting something of value from someone who is a high risk to his romantic relationship--doesn't care that he's risking a breakup with you. If she was a true friend, she would be a champion of your relationship unless you're a toxic person, which I assume you're not. He hid the truth from you so you would accept their "friendship." If he was a person of integrity, the moment she said she was interested in a relationship with him, in addition to showing jealousy on social media, he should've told her they could no longer be friends because it isn't healthy for his primary relationship. If you stay, you clearly possess very low self-worth. There are single guys with good ethics who would make decent partners. Free yourself so you can meet one of them.
    8 points
  34. Okay I am a guy so I will tell you straight. Don't make it a big deal. The bigger you make it the more nervous he will be about not knowing what to do. Keep it simple, nice and slow and make sure you communicate. Is oral on the table? Never to early to learn right? Maybe the next time you are over... Guide him. Guide his hands and his other part too 🙂 Be prepared for him not to last very long. If he doesn't don't worry he will probably be ready to go again in less than a half hour. He is going to worry he will not satisfy you so let him know that learning what each other enjoys is all part of the fun. Lastly I don't think you were pushy. He is a guy with a boner, you pretty much know what he is thinking right there. He has waited a long time for what ever reason so just tell him when he is ready you are. Oh and teach the guy how to kiss, you will be doing yourself a huge favor. Have fun and relax. I am happy you met someone that gives you butterflies Lost PS You are the something special, he doesn't need anything else.
    8 points
  35. If my SO was saying things like that, First I would go throw up, and realize I have been sleeping with and emotionally invested in a sexual deviant, then pack my stuff up, jump in my truck, and drive into the sunset.
    8 points
  36. I think you must force yourself to examine the dynamic between you and your daughter. This is for both or your sakes. Your level of responsibility is bordering on destructive. Actually, I think that is putting it lightly, for a couple of reasons. To be honest, it is destructive. Your daughter has not learned the skills she needs to become more independent, and is unprepared to fend for herself at this point. You have no job and no way to support yourself. Both of these situations have developed because you are managing her every need. In addition, your relationship with a man that you love has disintegrated. There are opportunities for your daughter to learn independence via trained professionals. And there are opportunities for you to become employed and support yourself (and her). But neither is possible if you continue to cling to such a high level of responsibility. It's also not possible to have an intimate relationship with another adult when you are so fully committed to somebody else. I think you should read about codependence. Your relationship with your daughter is damaging her chance to be independent. It's damaging your ability to be independent. It very likely did at least some damage to your marriage. And it's certainly damaged your current relationship--perhaps destroyed it.
    8 points
  37. No, no. Let me try to summarize: He cheated on his wife because he is a moral man. His wife deprived him of sex out of unrelenting, unreasonable selfishness. The poor man is so religiously upright that he did the right thing by lying to her repeatedly and sleeping with random other women for only one year. One of the crazy ladies that he slept with lost her mind and texted him after several years of absolutely no communication from him, and perfect fidelity to his wife. He was just too irresistible, and the crazy lady couldn't help herself. His sneaky, snooping wife spied on him and found this crazy lady's text message. She believed the crazy lady over her own religiously pious, wonderful, perfect husband. Then his wife went and divorced him because she is actually an evil and blasphemous heathen who doesn't understand that she caused this whole problem in the first place. All she cares about is herself. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.
    8 points
  38. No, it's the hardest thing you will ever do. I was a stay at home mom with no marketable skills with two young sons. My ex threatened that I would sleep in my car and never see my sons if I left. I got myself into therapy and I slowly started speaking up for myself and asking for change. I was given the tools and support to handle my end respectfully with confidence and an objective 3rd party who helped me find my way. My ex always played the "how low can I go" game. But I was proud of how I learned to handle myself when faced with toxic conflict and not let him rattle me. The turning point was seeing an attorney. That was the hardest thing I did and it took me about a year into therapy to make that phone call. I kept viewing that as a final fact, but I was encouraged to view it at as just seeking information. That's all. Information is power and whatever information I received I didn't have to act on it. I kept the appt and even with that I think I waited a few more months before I acted on it and put him on retainer. I no longer had the crippling fear of what leaving would look like, as far as finances and custody would look like. Because if fear was the only thing keeping me at that point, I need to know. I ended up with primary custody of the boys but was committed to them having a good relationship with their dad, because that's what they deserved. We did ultimately go to couples therapy. He went for the wrong to reasons. He attempted to negotiate that he would go if I stopped my individual therapy. He went if I would fire the attorney I had put on retainer on, but wasn't even using at the moment. He did it to control the situation. I said a firm no to both conditions, but he reluctantly went. Which is a sad way and a wrong way to go about marriage counseling. Sitting in front of a third party therapist who challenged us both, all the ugliness spilled out. In the end counseling didn't save our marriage. What it did show me is that is was irrevocably broken. I begged for change and he fought to keep things the same. From the time I started individual counseling to the day he moved out, it took about 18 months. It wasn't an impulsive decision. In the end, I do not have any second thoughts that I didn't do everything in my power to save the marriage. Though it's sad life changing experience, I have a clear conscience. He left me no choice. He on the other hand lives with regrets. I used to tell myself I would stay and fight for my marriage for my kids. In the end I left for them. I didn't want them to think it was ok for men to treat women the way he did. So, when you say it's complicated and we might not understand. I can safely say I understand. I think a lot of women in your place can. I went back to school and today I have an 17 year career, I am a homeowner having just paid off my mortgage and anticipating an early retirement. My sons are thriving, educated and have great jobs. I can't find the words to express what living in a peaceful safe home feels like. The boys have a good relationship with their father. And in spite of everything. . and it took a looong time, we all spent this last Christmas together, myself, my bf, my ex and his gf, the boys and my new granddaughter. If anyone asked me if I envisioned this happening, I would have fallen off my chair and fainted. I hope my story helps you in some small way. Hang in there. You only get one life. Take that leap of faith. But start with therapy and get yourself some much deserved support. People can easily throw out the 'just leave' comments. It's a process. Being aware that it's miserable and seeking advice is often just the start of your journey.
    8 points
  39. I never thought I would see such a day in my country. I pray for peace, compromise, and unity. I am not trying to start a political discussion, I am just so disheartened by everything.
    8 points
  40. Here's wishing everyone a safe and Merry Christmas! 🎅 ⛸️ ⛄
    8 points
  41. I've been thinking a lot about the situations that a lot of us are in where our exes began dating somebody very soon after the break-up. A lot of people classify these as rebounds, but sometimes they work out. I have a theory that if the dumpee remains in the picture, the rebound will become a successful relationship; while if the dumpee leaves, the dumper is more likely to become newly attracted to the missing dumpee, and return. To elaborate.... From reading some situations on ENA it seems to me that a dumper's "rebound" relationship is more likely to last if the dumpee remains in the picture in some capacity, whether as a friend or as the ex trying to "win back" the dumper. I feel like this gives the dumper control over the dumpee, knowing that he/she is a sure thing, which thereforeeee decreases the dumper's attraction to the dumpee. The dumper can then freely pursue this new person, while knowing that (just in case) the ex is waiting on the sidelines. I've even read about some of these "rebound" relationships leading to engagement and marriage when the dumpee is still in contact. One case in particular I have heard of - the dumpee told the dumper that she feared he was going to be engaged soon to the new person, which he wrote off as absurd. But...it came true several months later. It's like in some twisted way the dumper played on the dumpee's fear - made that fear a reality - to maintain control over her feelings. I think it's a completely unconscious decision to manipulate in this way, but in a very twisted way, it makes sense... It seems that the more often a dumpee wins back the dumper is by exiting the picture completely while the dumper pursues this new person. I think it gives the dumper a chance to realize that the "sure thing" they had (due to his/her initial attempts to reconcile and get back together) is gone and that once the excitement of the new person wears off, they miss their ex. It's a matter of reverse psychology - we always want what we think we can't have. And we don't miss what we have until it's gone. Does anyone have examples that would "prove" this theory? Or examples that completely negate it?
    8 points
  42. Husband needs to take a turn getting baby ready to go out for an outing as well as getting himself ready. He will see that it isn’t an easy or quick task.
    7 points
  43. Your self-worth isn't at the best level you thought it was. He's not an ethically decent man. If he were and was unhappy in his relationship and yet not willing to break up, he would be doing everything in his power to fix the relationship. Instead, he wants the comforts of an intact family plus a side-piece who he cares nothing for. He doesn't care that his side-piece will never fully have him, either physically or emotionally. How she will spend all the major holidays without him. How she will have to be a dirty secret. Chemistry only makes up one part of who you should be with. That seems to be the only part you two possess. You say he respects you? Wow, it's quite the opposite. If he did, he wouldn't have reached out to a naive, thirsty woman he knows lacks self-respect. You were easy prey for him. And his excuse he'd lose time with his children is nonsense. Unless a parent is neglectful or abusive, he will receive his fair share of custody. Regardless, if the excuse was valid, it's still not right to use other people for his own lustful needs. This is a small town, so if you don't think many see what's going on, you're wrong. Save your sanity and reputation and delete him from your life ASAP. As a mother, you especially don't want to be this sort of role model for you child, who sees and hears everything and will witness how you run your life. Yeah, your fantasy of who he is will never match reality. Being alone is better than being in an inappropriate relationship. You have far more work to do on yourself. Good luck.
    7 points
  44. I have to unfortunately repeat this a lot on this forum. Cheaters lie and then they lie some more. This is who they are. Your wife is cheating on you and will continue to cheat on you. She has told you that she will not cut contact with this guy. Putting the choice back on you is classic cheater as they always blame shift. "If you MAKE me do this I will hate you" She should WANT to cut all contact with him to save the marriage. She has given you two choices: 1. Be a cuckold or 2. Insist she show you all the private messages, cut all contact with him forever and start marriage counseling which she will refuse so that leaves divorce. Just because there was no penetration doesn't mean she hasn't cheated. Emotional affairs are worse than purely physical. She has turned her heart to him, you are now nothing more than security and a pest. Time to stop making excuses for what she is doing and take a stand. Lost
    7 points
  45. This isn't a relationship problem, this controlling raging thing is a YOU problem. Something you should be working on personally and directly rather than in couples counseling. Yes, if you want people to be honest, YOU have to make it safe for them to do so. Meaning that you can't be controlling, threatening, flip out, etc. When you punish a person for being honest with a negative reaction, people will start lying to avoid your temper and to avoid punishment. Also, you have a history of reacting badly, so no, your gf can't just flip a switch and start trusting that you miraculously will not create drama if she tells you the truth. When you destroy trust with your behavior, it takes a very long time for people to learn to trust you again and it will be a touch and go situation. This means that it will be hard work on YOU to earn their trust back and there will be times where a person will opt to lie expecting a bad reaction from you and you will have to not only forgive them, but keep reassuring them and proving to them that telling you the truth is fine. Above aside, don't date someone who doesn't share your values and you won't have these issues in the first place. You aren't just being controlling, you are trying to change who she is. Never works out in the long run.
    7 points
  46. Sure, but back then she was still living with her husband and she had a part time job and presumably had some relief in there set up, including time to date. My impression is that her life might have looked a bit different then. Moving far away from whatever support system there was even if it was just her ex and living for 2 years with 24/7 caregiving is a whole different ballgame. An eye opening one for sure. On that note, he is freaking out right when her divorce is about to be finalized. I wonder if that's another fear of his - now that she is free to marry, that she'll start wanting that from him and he is not into that. It's one of those things that the OP doesn't want to contemplate. Basically that a man who is willing to get involved with a married woman, even if all above board in terms of open marriage, still has attachment issues. He was happy because in a way she was never fully available and perhaps he felt safe in that. Now that she is about to be fully available...he is freaking out and backing away. If that's the case, she'd be wise to cool it with the talks and distance a bit. The more she pushes him, the more he'll back away.
    7 points
  47. Sorry to hear this. After a few dates, unfortunately he was crystal clear about how he feels. You need to believe him and accept that not every dating situation works out. He's not "the one", if he just wants to be friends.
    7 points
  48. Cheaters are glib liars and they will always lie about their relationships in order to justify their cheating and excuse or even garner sympathy from you about their "plight". Aside from the world's smallest violin playing in the background as I read over his bs....you know what jumped out at me the most? He told you they are both such devout Christians, divorce not an option....and yet divorce became an immediate option once the wife found out he is a cheater. Can you see the glaring inconsistency here with what he claims and reality? Him telling you about it is really a pretty common tactic to test you and see how low are your standards and how easily you can be manipulated, aka how desperate are you. Eventually it may come out anyway and he wants to know ahead of time if you are kind who will put up with bs or walk away. He doesn't want to waste his time on women with strong values and boundaries they'll enforce. Ultimately, to next this guy shouldn't even be a question for you. Just a foregone conclusion. I think I brought this up in your previous thread.....you are drawn to not relationship material type men like a moth to a flame. Better start figuring out why that is.
    7 points
  49. Cracks me up when people in their 40s convince themself that they can pass for their 20s. Nope, nada, no way! And even if you did, it does not excuse creepin on a high school kid. Who cares if he approached you first.
    7 points
  50. In the end, the lingering thoughts of what used to be can be overwhelming. We try to make sense of something that happened so fast that we try to convince ourselves that we had no idea the inevitable was coming. All those red flags we chose to ignore. All the phone calls to your ex left unanswered…all the mysterious text messages that were sent to your ex yet they had to be answered in the next room…the nights out with the guys/girls grew later and more often than not. In the end, you are left asking what happened to us. P.T. Barnum once said “There is a sucker born every minute.” I used to be one of those suckers because I chose to believe what my ex had to say. It wasn’t until months later that I was able to see her for what she truly was. It took going through a break up for me to realize that I was not at fault though I repeatedly chose to take on our issues myself. I did this because I was made to feel as though I was at constant fault. To put it bluntly, I wasn’t man enough to realize that I was NOT at fault. My thinking was if she said I was at fault, I MUST be at fault. I have never been so wrong. If you are here to find the answers on how to get back together with your ex, you may find suggestions but you will not find the answers. The reason for this is because everyone’s situation is different. Regardless of what you may read or believe, no one will have the answer to your situation. No one, including yourself knows what your ex is thinking, feeling or doing. We can offer you all the advice in the world but it’s up to you to either take it or leave it. Those who are heartbroken, heed my words… If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong. Those that sit and post detail after detail about your situation ( I have been there myself) know that regardless of how much you have to say, none of us to what extent your ex did or didn’t love you. What we do have in common is that our stories are from ONE side and that is our own. There is not a section that reads “What REALLY happened between us.” Though you and your ex went through the same relationship, there will be three sides to every story. 1. Your Side 2. Their Side 3. What really happened No matter what you may think you know or what you believe your ex’s intent may be, I will caution you to wait and KNOW what they want rather than assume anything. The moment you start to assume is the moment you make the biggest mistakes. To make assumptions about your situation doesn’t mean you know THEIR intent. Ask yourself these simple questions 1. Am I a safety-net? 2. Have they made any physical effort to see me? ( no emails, text messages, notes, etc) 3. Are they or have been seeing someone else? 4. Am I ready to possibly talk to my ex about what happened? 5. Did I cause the breakup? If I did, what have I done to prove to my ex that I am not only sorry but I hope to spend a lifetime making up for it? 6. How many times have we broken up in the past and repeated the same actions? 7. Do I love my ex or do I hate being alone? 8. Has my ex used me or taken me for granted in the past? List reasons why 9. Is my ex (or myself) all talk and no action? 10. Do I deserve my ex? Do they deserve me? By honestly answering the following and without compromising your feelings for your ex (meaning answering the questions while you are calm, cool and collected), you should be able to determine a lot about your situation though the odds may seem against you right now. One of the most valuable lessons I learned many years ago was to be true to who I was and what I wanted and needed. Read that previous line again. This was the most difficult lesson I had to learn. Why? Because by nature, I am a pleaser and I wanted to make my ex happy. I thought that if I could constantly please her, she would please me in return. THIS WAS NOT TRUE. Not everyone is like this, but I want you to understand there is NO LOGIC in LOVE. NONE! As a simple example, have you ever seen your ex’s new companion? What was one of the first things out of your mouth? “Are you kidding me….THAT is who they left me for!?” is usually high up on the reaction meter. The art of comparison can be one of your worst enemies. You must understand that though looks are important to some, others are more emotional. If you are an attractive person and can’t seem to understand why your ex left, maybe it was because their emotional needs were met before but slacked in time or they were never met in the first place. It is not rocket science really. No matter what happened, they left you for some reason whether you understand what it is on the front in or not. It also means you may not agree with it once you find the answer but you must accept it. There are so many that want to argue why someone left and for the very reason why? Ask yourself this, what positive affect does arguing bring to the relationship? What positive reaction do you expect to get from a negative action? This may seem like common sense, yet in the heat of a “if you will just listen, I will explain” discussion…it typically flies right out the window. Another misconception is that your ex may run into the arms of another yet you have the idea that they are “just confused” and this is just a phase. Let me be the voice of harsh reality and say this is not the case. They possibly plotted how to leave you for weeks, maybe even months but because you didn’t expect it, you didn’t do anything to avoid it either. To put it another way, they were so confused that they ran into the arms of another because their arms are better than yours? NO! They ASSUMED that someone different will bring newer and better circumstances. In our minds, newer is better. A new TV is bigger and looks better yet only lasts for a few months compared to an older set that has lasted for YEARS. The difference is QUALITY….not the way it appears. Why do you think ex’s that call after a few months want to see what you are up to? The truth is they miss you. I will not assume to what extent. There are so many out there that believe a scrap ( anything from an ex is an effort to get back together) is better than nothing. I was guilty many years ago. In the end, it was merely because my ex was bored and her man was away on business. I was a plaything and they were just looking for a way to pass the time. DON’T ever give our ex ANY details about what is new in your life. An ex can be very manipulative. Not everyone is this way nor do I want to leave an impression that they are but I tend to lean towards the “don’t give them any information they can use against you in the future”. Being in a new relationship and letting your ex know about it is NOT their business. If making your ex jealous is your game, then go for it but I will also be the one that will tell you not only do you NOT love your ex, you intent is to HURT your ex. If they hurt you, be the better person and walk away. Why try to hurt them when you are hurting enough? I don’t nor have I ever played games in relationships. I am honest to the point of being brutal. I choose not to make someone guess what I am thinking. If they want to know something….they need to ask. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you expect your ex to be honest with you? Did you realize that it’s how you handle yourself AFTER a breakup that can make or break if your ex comes back? It’s true. So many people assume talking is the answer. WRONG! Talk is cheap and your ex knows it. If you never talked to your ex when you were together….then why on earth would they believe you now? The answer…they won’t! Don’t tell an ex you’ve changed! YOU SHOW THEM! If they tell you they have changed…you have to make a choice to either believe them or let them show you. If they can’t within a reasonable amount of time…you have your answer. Action is the very key to getting your ex back. Some may ask, “But what if my ex won’t see me”? You tell me… put yourself in THEIR shoes. If YOU didn’t want to see someone it would be for a reason. Why force it? Why would you try to see someone that didn’t want to see you? Do you expect it to be just like the movies? NO WAY! You have to gage your situation based off of knowledge and common sense. You can’t force someone to meet you out when they are no comfortable. How is that beneficial to your situation? You don’t need sympathy..YOU NEED COMPASSON. Sympathy only provokes someone feeling SORRY FOR YOU and NOT wanting to truly be with you. RUN away from anything sympathy related. Sympathy is the OPPOSITE of compassion and in this case, it can RUIN ANY CHANCES of reconciliation. You have been warned. To the men in the audience, the more you try to force something, the more it will break. You cannot show anger or try to bully someone into seeing you. You might as well understand that you will not only ruin all chances of getting back together but you will be branded with the “crazy” label from now on according to your ex. Why not calmly think about your situation and make a possible plan based off of WHAT YOU KNOW rather than what you think you know or ever assume about your ex. The most common mistakes are because a jilted lover assumes they KNOW THEIR EX. My argument is if they knew them so well…why did they walk out the door and now you are left alone trying to pick up the pieces of what use to be your heart? Never assume anything about your situation, your ex or whether or not they are coming back to you or not. EVER! Crazy phone calls, flowers, jewelry or any gift giving will be seen as manipulation. They may act surprised and flattered but I promise you…don’t do it. You could end up spending hundreds of dollars (or more) and get NOTHING in return but a simple thank you. Spend your hard earned money on someone that DOES love you. This is considered a WIN-WIN instead of a MAYBE- MAYBE. I will take a 100% sure thing any day. Manipulation is frowned upon because you do NOT EVER want to be considered WEAK or needy. If you are sad and give the impression of being depressed, STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX AT ALL COSTS!! The moment you feel your ex will have pity on you they will. They will also see you for the person they NEVER wanted to be with either. People generally DO NOT call someone they love if they feel they have HURT THEM IN ANY WAY. Who wants to talk to a man that used to be strong and hold you in their arms after being reduced to someone crying into the phone begging you to come back? This is also true for the men. Women need a strong and confident man as men need strong and confident woman. Confidence = GOOD …..PITY = BAD. It only takes a second to ruin any chances of getting back together. The odds are against you from the beginning. You have to play it smart. If you wonder if you should DO something…DON’T. Go with what you know and NOT how you assume they will react. The truth is NO ONE KNOWS. How do you win them back….patience and understanding. Stand up for yourself and SHOW THEM you are worth fighting for. You task is not an easy one. If you are looking to get back together soon after they left you, be prepared to breakup all over again. The answer is making the glue (LOVE) so strong they NEVER want to leave. You can do this. Use your head and try to leave the heart out as much as you can for now. Be patient. The more you stand on your own two feet the more the confidence will grow. You may be down but you are not out. Be cautious with your new found skills. Use them for the right reasons and not for manipulation. I will you the best in all you do. Your friend, SuperDave71
    7 points
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