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Showing content with the highest reputation since 09/16/2021 in Posts

  1. Everybody throw your hands UP
    18 points
  2. oh geez... I am sorry. But here's the thing ... this guy is not a good partner. And for that reason not the ED. I think you should walk away. If he contacts you in the future you can deal with how you feel about it at that time. As an outsider here are some serious red flags, you mentioned - alcohol abuse, poor nutrition, Marijuana abuse to the point it could be causing ed. is a big deal - saying you spoke this into his life and essentially blaming you for his poor life choices. This is total bs! And very telling of the type of person you are dealing with. Run! - that heartless text. that basically says, he's out and dont you expect anything from him and if YOU can't handle it, then he doesn't know what. Then goes silent?? again, very telling of what you're dealing with this guy.... RUN! All of his misfortunes, the death, the hospital the ED.... Aren't deal breakers. You were probably right to not be so harsh on him. But now? Yeah this guy kind of sucks. not kind of. He does suck. Consider this a blessing. Move on. He's not a catch. You deserve better than a selfish drunk, drug addict that not only can't get it up but can't communicate either.
    9 points
  3. I'm sorry, but all I see is an incredibly selfish and immature girl throwing a tantrum like a toddler. She really needs to grow up (imo). Does she always behave this way when she doesn't get what she wants? How old is she? Personally, if it were me, I would head for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.
    9 points
  4. What do you do ? Don’t be passive. Talking isn’t only up to her, right? You stop talking. You don’t have the same life goals so you end it before someone gets hurt or wastes their time .
    8 points
  5. Not a big mystery here. He's not ready, but if he's still on line he's killing time and acting on his curiosity. I wouldn't give this much weight. Anything other than a yes, is a no. Let's go another the next step. It's a signal of readiness or something similar? Do you want a guy who was willing to lose you and just a moment ago wasn't ready? Hold out for someone who sees your value and shares your enthusiasm. Nothing less. It's been a long time since I internet dated. But having done so off and on, I noticed that times I stepped away for months or even years in between, there were still men on line that I might have met previously that apparently were never ready. I called them squatters. Suss them out quickly and don't let them waste your time
    8 points
  6. I'd be interested to know what really happened at the bachelor party, but you'll probably never know. In any event I would not wait around for this clown to pull his head out of his arse. He said to leave him alone, that's exactly what I'd do.
    7 points
  7. There's a difference between using conflicts to negotiate better outcomes versus turning a spouse (or his family) into adversaries. I would have asked husband, "If you want to allow your Mom to set the timeline, are you willing to get the baby ready while I catch up?" Cleaning up the house to impress MIL when your hostile attitude toward her and husband overrides any other impression isn't helpful. I would have left the place a bombshell to demo the help that I need. Then whoever tried to rush me would have been assigned a job to help out.
    7 points
  8. Husband needs to take a turn getting baby ready to go out for an outing as well as getting himself ready. He will see that it isn’t an easy or quick task.
    7 points
  9. I think most of us are in this position right now . You are definitely not alone. The human emergency response was never meant to last years and we become overwhelmed.
    7 points
  10. No, you did not. She did. Her behaviour is atrocious for a grown woman. Most men with self-respect would tell her to go fly a kite.
    7 points
  11. I'll be blunt. 1. Not everyone is keen to text whenever. Maybe texting is not his thing. Does he text friends or family members often? 2. Someone can text you 24/7, tell you how incredibly awesome you are all day. Means nothing. What matters is whether you guys are moving forward; in other words, he asks you on more dates, keeps his word and treats you with respect. All the best!
    7 points
  12. Thank you for all of the encouragement. We had a really nice day together. The only weird part was being spotted by some of my students moms, sitting on the beach in a bikini drinking rum from a bottle… instead of being in school with their little angels. 😝
    7 points
  13. Don't waste her or your time. This should be a deal breaker.
    6 points
  14. You are the jerk here. She makes you food you dont want then you want her to bring food later, she knows you want to get laid so she says no. Then you get another woman to come over to f*ck and then you ignore the first woman. No wonder she's PO'd with you! Leave her alone, you've done enough damage.
    6 points
  15. Yup, horrible idea. You are married now. Remember the forsaking all others part ?
    6 points
  16. You need to take the focus off of superficial aspects of the relationship, because it truly doesn't amount to much at all. Outer appearances don't make someone a good person, nor does it mean they will be a good partner, or someone worthwhile being with. You need to delve deeper than that and actually get to know her for who she really is. See all sides of her, good, bad and indifferent. What is her temper like? Have you ever seen her angry, tired, sick, frustrated, inpatient, grouchy, hungry, etc? Have you spent enough time with her to know if you two truly are compatible, or could there be potential problems down the road with how well you get along, or connect? Right now, you need to be focusing on what her heart and soul is all about, and not her face. Outer beauty is not forever, it does change with age, but other factors can change it too. You need to fall in love with a heart, not a face. Do you know her very well right now, or are you still getting to know her? Because if you barely know her, you might want to slow down, and start taking the time to actually get to know this person and to find out all of the above first, before you even know whether you're a match, or not, or whether she truly is worthwhile being with, or not.
    6 points
  17. I know it is hard but ignore him. He is not in your life anymore. Good for you for standing your ground. Just take this new budding situation slowly as you said you are still processing the relationship you just left.
    6 points
  18. My husband works more than that and he still can do his own laundry, feed himself, cut the lawn, repair the vehicles, feed the cat, sit and talk over dinner or cocktails....still can stop by the beer store for me or whatever I need, etc. Your fiance is lazy butt head. This is why we date, to see what they will be like for a lifetime. What you see is what you get. Give the ring back, and pack your bags.
    6 points
  19. For me a connection is a feeling that the other person and I click naturally. Like there is a sense that makes everything flow very easily, an understanding between us. It can be romantic. Like lightening struck... It can be platonic... like an instant friendship or a business relationship that just seems right. Everything about the other person feels right. That's what it is. It's not a guarantee. At all! It can make red flags hard to see, as someone else said. Some people need an instant connection to move forward with the relationship. I don't think it was the language barrier at all. She knew that before you met. What she didn't know, must people don't, without meeting, is how the connection is. Sorry. It is a disappointment. Maybe try harder to date local to reduce the wasted time, money & effort.
    6 points
  20. Your wife has had at least 6 emotional affairs since meeting you, at least half probably physical too. I am sorry to tell you but she will do it again and again and you are a fool if you think otherwise. Trust me I know, I lived it. I didn't see where she was remorseful. I did see where she blamed you for her infidelity. Classic cheater. Here are some other classic cheater lines: (And what they really mean) He is just a friend ( A friend I want to have sex with) I just needed someone to talk to (I like the attention and the excitement of going behind your back) We just talked, nothing physical happened (We had fooled around when we could) Don't worry he is married (He is a cheater too so I know I am safe, he will never tell) I promise I won't do it again. (I will try harder to not get caught) Time to start looking into divorce if nothing else so you will be ahead of the game when you catch her next year doing the exact same thing. Lost
    6 points
  21. So what? The thing is that you can't control what they do or what they think, you only control yourself and how you react/respond. In this case, they are using your fear of how you will be perceived against you like a whip to make you jump and comply with whatever they want. So, stop jumping and stop reacting by doing what they want. Learn to step back and put it back on them. Them : "You are soo lazy, look how chaotic this place is. Why can't you do better. You are soo incompetent." Your response: "Uhuh.....sorry you feel that way." Walk away and don't lift a finger. Stop trying to prove them wrong because that's a losing game for you and will always be a losing game. Learn to stop feeding into that kind of bs. Know your worth because that comes from you and not them. You know you are a hard working doctor and mom, then that's who you are. On that note, to answer to your question, in this case nobody is right or wrong. MIL wants to come over early, that's on her. Your place is a mess because you have a baby and it's too early for guests, she'll just have to deal with it. If she asks are you ready yet because she is impatient, then give her something to do that will move things along toward the common goal of leaving sooner. She babysits all the time, then she is good with changing the diapers, getting milk ready, etc. Let her do it while you go shower and get ready. Learn how to use her energy to your advantage instead of trying to do everything yourself because you are too insecure and need to prove yourself. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, least of all her. Stop competing for approval.
    6 points
  22. Delegate. Give everyone tasks and assignments. Let your husband do more. If the mother in law is there give her assignments. For example, let your husband clean, make coffee, etc.. Let the mother in law get the kids ready, etc.. Then focus only on yourself so you can get ready in peace. You are trying way to hard to be supermom and overcontrol everything. Ask for help and tell people what they can do rather than sit on their thumbs telling you to hurry up.
    6 points
  23. In your case dont think any ammount of time is reasonable. He doesnt view you as a girlfriend. There is no magic that will just make him do that. And he will certanly not do that when you are apart. Sure, sometimes distance makes heart goes stronger, but in his case there is nothing to go strong. You are just somebody who is conviniently there, a companion. There are no higher feelings there. Time apart would only make him more distant. And you pressuring him will make him distant even more. I am sorry, dont think there is a reason for you to wait. You will need to learn to invest into people who will actually want to stay in your life. And not to chase after people who will never reciprocitate your feelings and efforts. In relationships, but also in life with friends, work, anything.
    6 points
  24. Ignore the checking your profile and get on with dating men that have their stuff together. The last thing you want to be is a rebound right? That is what you were doomed to be with this guy until he takes some time to heal. Actually what he is doing is incredibly selfish and hurtful to others. He is using OLD to make himself feel better. He goes online and gets some attention and even goes on some dates so he can feel wanted but he still hasn't dealt with the breakup. There are a lot of people doing the same thing out there, using others for a salve on their wounds, entertainment, boredom break, free dinner and drinks and on and on. Your best skill to have using OLD is what reinventmyself said. Learn to spot them and weed them out or suss them out as she said. There are plenty of men out there that are ready to really date just keep looking. Lost
    6 points
  25. Otherwise known as playing games. I'd pass. Showing interest from a place of confidence is attractive. Throwing you back in the hopes you want him more is manipulative.
    6 points
  26. OP, you did great. You tried to support and comfort your partner, and what did you get in exchange? Anger, tantrums, and "you're not enough" from your own damn GF!!! Run dude. She's not a keeper. It doesn't matter if she's a foreigner: you did a great job and she made you feel unappreciated. Huge red flag. Again: Run. Run. Run.
    6 points
  27. Is she not capable of bringing her own jacket? Yes, she's not kidding she's a spoiled brat. You sound like you're her slave/servant and she clearly treats you that way. What I fail to understand is why on earth you allow her to treat you like garbage. Why you stay. Why you enable. Seriously dude, only 4 months in and this is just nuts. Cut your losses already and be done. The sooner the better.
    6 points
  28. In my opinion, yes you are, and have been way too lenient. I understand your wife had a horrible childhood and past and that part isn't her fault. But the point to be in a relationship or marriage is to have trust and respect. She's cheated on you a number of times, lied to you, gave you STD's, and she wants to be a prostitute. The question begs, why had she done all this to you? If she loves you and you and your family are all she has, why has she done such horrible things to you? Your wife sounds extremely mentally unstable and also very selfish. She seems to have absolutely no regard for your marriage or your feelings. Many people have depression but your wife is very self destructive and does blatant danger things. I think if you stayed married to her eventually her crimes would get you in trouble too. E.g. Police would find the drugs in your car and you'd get arrested. You'll get an incurable STD such as AIDS. You can clearly see what your wife is capable of and she won't change. Her behaviour doesn't even make sense. Why does she want to be a prostitute? She has a home with you, her husband. I think these behaviours is just her mental illness talking because they don't even make sense. I know you love your wife and feel sorry for her but that doesn't mean you have to live a life of pure misery. Even if she killed herself, that wouldn't be your fault. She's treated you so horribly, does she seriously expect you'll stay with her? She's an adult and she has to live with the consequences of what she's done. Stop babying her and let her learn from her mistakes and see she can't just get away with these disgusting behaviours.
    6 points
  29. I'm just a bit confused as to what you actually get out of being with this woman? I understand you love her but love is a feeling. We can love someone because we just feel that feeling. But it takes a lot more to actually have a happy relationship and it takes work. I think there isn't really an excuse why your wife can't work. I'm sure her cognitive problems aren't that bad because you actually married her, so she's obviously able to have normal conversations and do normal things. I've been working as a support worker with people with disabilities for about eight years now and many of them worked. This is people with physical or actual intellectual disabilities. They still did work like work in a packing factory or stack shelves in a shop. One woman I work with is in a wheelchair and has intellectual disability too but she's been at her packing job for twenty years now. I'm sure there are things your wife can do for work. Surely she has at least some options. I personally would find it very off putting if my partner just did nothing all day. Her children are basically adults now and besides they live with their father. So what does she do with herself all day? She's happy just cruising along and having no purpose in life. Even 50 years ago, if women were a housewife and the man worked, the woman actually fulfilled her role. She would take care of the children, cook, clean, run errands. Your wife doesn't do barely any of that and not looking after children. So basically she's just lazy and she's taking advantage of you.
    6 points
  30. Deal breaker....I would have dumped him ages ago. Come on now, you have more self worth than that right? You deserve better. He is not worth your time. Kick him to the curb already!
    6 points
  31. No. Absolutely no. Seriously dude, reverse the above to HER saying she finds you unattractive, your physical flaws, your large facial features and being repulsed by YOU. Would you really believe this can be solved? Stop using her for your own selfish reasons just because you're too much of a coward to leave the relationship. This says a lot more about you, than her. No, you can't make this work. Man-up and grow a set by doing the right thing and leave.
    6 points
  32. No it cannot be salvaged and it should have never gone on this long to begin with. What you describe in terms of qualities you like about her and value, describes most women out there. The fact that you are not physically/sexually attracted to her isn't going to change and yes, as time goes by you will feel more and more repulsed by her. This is not fair to her or to you. Please stop wasting her time and end this yesterday. In short, stop being so selfish and using her companionship while you lust after other women. Enough is enough. Please realize that if you carry on wasting time on her, eventually you will end up cheating on her. She deserves better than that. You also deserve to be with someone you actually feel attracted to who is also everything else you are looking for. Again, with heavy emphasis, your needs are not that unique and she isn't so special that no other woman could live up to that. Attraction and good qualities are not mutually exclusive qualities.
    6 points
  33. Just for reason number 1, you should end things. There will always be some people who are more attractive than your partner. But for people who are in love, this is a non-issue. Your reasons to keep the relationship are not relevant. You think you'll never again date a woman capable of being loyal, is a decent person, and will care about you? That's ridiculous. You don't value who she is because of her interests or lack of them. Let her go so each of you can find someone more compatible. And of course she will be upset but you will be doing her a favor, even if she doesn't realize it.
    5 points
  34. Then you have a duty to let him go to be truly loved. Never marry someone you don’t love. That is robbing them of a good life.
    5 points
  35. You teach people how to treat you. You've taught him that you will do everything for him and so you get nothing in return because he doesn't have to do anything. Back off on the things you do, lie running his bth, that's crazy. A grown man can fill a bathtub himself or he can take a shower. Yes I get he's tired at the end of the day but he needs to contribute something. If you really cant handle this lopsided relationship you may need to leave it and find someone who will treat you better. He really is taking advantage of you, because you let him.
    5 points
  36. You're being an AH but not to him - to your unborn child, the child you wish to have in the future. This guy has cheated on you, has made no moves to improving the relationship or committing to you, and he doesn't share your long term goals either. Why on earth would you even consider having a child with this man? He's not going to be a father figure to the kid and you'll be lucky if he even pays CS, from the way it sounds like. How is that fair to the child? Would you rather try to have a good, solid relationship and give your future child the benefit of having a present, active father and being able to model a good relationship to your child? That's so important. Please don't make the oft-committed mistake of thinking "Oh he'll see that baby and he will come round". No, he won't and there is a glut of both anecdotal and statistical evidence that supports this. People don't magically change for babies and it's fairytale thinking to assume otherwise. Millions of children are born into crappy situations and many of them are here due to that thinking. You and your child deserve better. By all means, go off birth control, give yourself a break. But also break up with him and stop having sex with him or anyone else for a while as you sort things out and figure out why you are settling for so little in your love life, why you would not only stay with a man who cheats but actually consider getting impregnated by the same man. Life doesn't have to be this way. Millions of people live cruddy, hard lives but that doesn't mean you have to. Demand more, do better.
    5 points
  37. It's important not to play therapist or treat dating like social work where you try to fix people's mental or physical health problems, substance abuse issues etc. Next time choose people without this many deal-breakers and cut your losses early if a tsunami of issues comes your way.
    5 points
  38. Not only that, he wants all these "wifely" contributions from you in the way of your body, your womb and your money, but nowhere in your post did I see the words "he proposed and we are engaged and planning to get married next year". That's your out. Just tell him that there is no way you are setting yourself up to become anyone's BABY MOMMA, nor are you stupid enough to have a mortgage and investment with anyone you are not married to unless you enter the agreement as a corporate entity and have a legally binding contract. See how he likes that. Don't let your emotions get in the way of good sense and proper handling of your finances and other resources. Do not give your body or life over to some clown you've been dating for only a year either. I'm not seeing where this relationship is going to last as you want to completely different things.
    5 points
  39. I think the term 'overly emotional' indicates a problem in any gender. Emotions are one thing, overly emotional, to me indicates a problem. But for what it's worth, I have experienced men who only have the ability to express one emotion, anger. Whether they're feeling sad, mad, threatened, insecure, vulnerable, foolish, embarrassed just generally upset, it comes out in anger. I don't think it's on the man to be the emotional rock for women, without allowing for the women to be a rock in return. I think its unreasonable to expect men to just be void of emotions. Women, in my view are not damsels in distress that need rocks. Both men and women face challenges and it is nice to have a partner that can be strong for you/ with you, when times get tough. As an adult, it is unreasonable to expect another person to always be there for you. You have to show up for yourself, too. I would imagine just being a rock for another human being (that is not your child) would be exhausting.
    5 points
  40. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself . It takes time to process and that is ok. Please don’t feel guilty. The only people we can save is ourselves . She was the captain of her own life . I can sort of understand my dad was pretty self destructive and I had stayed out of the way a good 30 years and just over a year ago he chose to end his dialysis and die. I felt so horrible and sometimes still do for not being more in his life . However, we have to realize being around toxic people who are abusing themselves leaves us at risk of being abused and self destruction. You did nothing wrong. Grieve and be gentle with yourself.
    5 points
  41. Thanks everyone, I'm glad I'm not alone feeling like this, I went out with a different group today and felt much better.
    5 points
  42. If you are out to prove you are right and he is wrong your marriage won’t work. Period. People get defensive when you want to prove them wrong even IF they are. Marriage is not about who is right and wrong . If he is a mommy’s boy you are NOT going to change that “ proving him wrong” that is how you push harder towards his mother. He HAS to want to change himself .
    5 points
  43. Badasses aren't sore losers, and they help lift people up, not perpetually compete with them to keep them down. Humility makes you a badass. She's so busy focusing on being better than others, not the best. You should not be her therapist, and it's not your job to deal with her superiority complex. No advice other than, time to drop this person...she seems to live no room to make you feel good. It's seems to only ever to be about her.
    5 points
  44. He may still be with his girlfriend or wife. Take it at face value and consider his behaviour a big warning. Checking up on you is voyeur behaviour, window-shopping and lacks any investment or commitment on his part. I'd ditch the number and block this person on the app or elsewhere, anywhere he has the opportunity to look in. Please pick a gentleman who treats you well, not this.
    5 points
  45. One last comment. Personally I would not spend any more time with this guy unless you really directly ask him "Will you get a job or prpose to me NOW?" If the answer is anything but yes, my advice would be to walk away from this relationship. Two years is a long time. Don't let it turn into ten years. Your 30's go by fast and every minute with the wrong person is a minute very wasted.
    5 points
  46. Dump him. He is still invested in her and is not treating you with respect or affection. Move on and get some help to figure out why you would think any of this is acceptable before you get into another relationship.
    5 points
  47. Oh, God. Mental health episodes aside, she... (1) (a) prostituted herself (b) in a way which involved unprotected sex, in violation of your relationship boundaries (this is cheating), then initially lied about it, even though it affected your health, (2) gave you two STDs, (3) lied to you about planning to meet up with a male pimp (this is attempted cheating), in violation of your relationship's boundaries, (4) is described by her former friend as cheating on you constantly. The circumstances described in your wife's former friend's heads-up to you are harmonious with your wife's past behavior (described above). Additionally, it would take way more gall/insidiousness for her former friend to completely make up a defamatory accusation than it would be for her to simply tell the truth to caution you. Therefore, I think it is more likely than not that what you know about your wife's cheating is just the tip of the iceberg, (5) manipulated you against seeking divorce (a sensible decision given the above) by threatening suicide. One cannot say "I'm not manipulating you, buuuuut..." to avoid the fact that they are manipulating you. Seek a local divorce attorney and file for divorce. Then, seek counseling to determine why you let this marriage get so out of control. There are plenty of women out there who will cook for you, treat you, be sweet, and have ample sex with you who also do not cheat, give you STDs, lie to you about it, and threaten suicide when you make an adverse decision. Hope this helps. Best of luck, OP.
    5 points
  48. Loving someone is not a good reason for staying when your partner clearly doesn't love you as you should be loved. If she loved you, knowing you're tired from your long day, she would make sure she contributed her fair share of chores to ease your burden. And you've communicated your needs. When a partner actually cares, and your request is reasonable, she will want to please you and improve. She hasn't. You can't be a sacrificial lamb, giving up a life of happiness because you think she won't be able to cope on her own. She's an adult and responsible for taking care of herself. If she chose to previously pickle her brain instead of earning a nest egg to ensure her own ability to keep a roof over her head, that's on her. If she had to temporarily go to a woman's shelter, oh well. When YOU stop enabling her, she will either all of a sudden learn to be financially independent, or more likely pour on the charms to a new man to give her the shelter she won't provide for herself. In your shoes, I'd begin to get her names off of your credit cards and as a co-owner of your bank account if that situation exists. And then get divorce papers. When you get time and distance away from her, you'll kick yourself at how you stayed. In my first marriage, my situation wasn't exactly like yours, but he didn't pull his weight financially and treated me poorly. I divorced him and eventually found a partner a million times better in every way. I wish the same for you.
    5 points
  49. @takewhatuwant he has a kid and is a workaholic if I remember well. You're a free spirit with no limits. Focus on being you for now. The fact that you consider reconciling in 2023 is just very absurd. Likewho does that? Go on your travel, and when you're back, if you're still in the same mindset and he's available... It won't hurt to try. But you can't tell someone to wait until 2023. That's not how it works. It's quite selfish, to be honest.
    5 points
  50. Yeah, slow it down with your expectations. he is away on vacay.. Let him have his down time & low expectations from you. You two had a talk before he left, sounds like all was well. Is no big deal that there's been no real communication in time span of 6 hours! How about one good morning text and see IF he msg's you by bed time? Even if it's only a cpl small msg's a day, is still something. We need to try and NOT lose ourselves in a relationship, So, keep on doing what you did before you met up with him.... hang with your friends, get out there, do your own things.. We all need a life still, outside a relationship.. You don't want him to see you as too 'needy', but more as 'all is okay'. Let things go as they are.... relax. And let him do the same. See how he seems when he returns. I feel he'll be okay soon after he's back.
    5 points
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