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Showing content with the highest reputation on 09/11/2021 in all areas

  1. I agree. We can't make up stuff and project it onto the future with any kind of accuracy. So it makes no sense to live your life according to such arbitrary concoctions. Plenty of 'only' children thrive, and plenty of siblings blame their only causes of misery on a brother or sister. Only do what feels right for you--and if that means opting out of decision-making for a time, then embrace that option unless and until you WANT to focus on the issue again. Meanwhile, skip living a perpetual see-saw, and relax away from trying to 'see' for a while. Head high, and write more if it helps.
    5 points
  2. Thank you everyone for all the advice. I will give it some time and let her be. I know how I feel about her. If she comes to me I would be happy to see her again, if she doesn’t at least I know how she feels.
    5 points
  3. You would think after being raped recently I will never want to date or look at another man again. It’s the opposite. I’m not ready to date by no means but I haven’t given up on the idea of love. I think I never will. I know inherihently, I have a lot to offer and will enjoy being with someone. Im looking at the spring for seriously finding someone and being back on dating sites. I have goals though before I can do this. My weight loss goals slightly changed. After the trauma occurred I decided I’m not in the right headspace for weight loss surgery. I took a month off of the gym to heal and I’m going back Tuesday for personal training. So I’m doing this the natural way. I’m being realistic about my expectations of what I want in life. To be honest I was never the one to set out a list of requirements about a guys appearance. Like he has to be 6’1 and have tattoos….no I was never that way. If anything I look more for the character of the person. He needs to have patience and be genuine, respectful and honest. Basic right? To me it means everything the guy have a lot of those basic traits. Looks honestly never mattered. I just want the one who makes me smile. so what I’m trying to say is I have and never will give up on love. I don’t think the Rapist could take that apart of me away. I still believe in the goodness of someone’s heart.
    4 points
  4. "Why doesn't his wife care that he's cheating?". I think that the question which should be asked is: "Why don't I care that I am having an affair with a married man"?
    4 points
  5. No one knows the answers... The more important question and the one worth exploring is why were you or are you involved with this guy?
    4 points
  6. Ok, let me give you the “ child’s perspective “ keep in mind I am almost 55 now. My father was “ that guy” the abusive husband and dad. My mom left many times and even married other people. I had step fathers who were wonderful to me. Guess what? I still wanted MY dad. I wanted him to be normal and have a relationship with me. EVERY child wants that. It took me until my 30’s to have boundaries with him and not let him mentally and emotionally abuse me anymore. However, that meant us cutting off most of our relationship with each other. Intensely painful for me. My dad passed away a year ago at 74. The finality that I never had a real relationship with him guts me still. Also YOU may hate your ex but your daughter does not . Partner relationships are not unconditional, but most parent and child ones are. Your daughter is searching for the same things I was. A relationship with her father. She is angry. Angry at him and angry at you too for this whole mess. Sometimes I am angry at mom for making this person my parent and putting up with his crap and damaging us all. I have gotten past most of that anger now, but that is what your daughter is experiencing. She needs help but due to her age you may not be able to force her. Here in Canada the age of 12 is when you can no longer force a minor into mental health care if they say ,no. Anyway some things to think about.
    4 points
  7. Sounds a completely real and non-troll thread.
    4 points
  8. Why are you messing around with this married man who has no morals? Who cares about that other woman. You are a meddler to tell his wife and involve their child. You need to block and delete this guy.
    3 points
  9. Why do you want to be involved with a man who uses women as playthings for his own enjoyment?
    3 points
  10. I'd ask her to attend marital counseling with you so that perhaps an impartial, skilled professional will have a positive effect. If she refuses to go, go to a counselor yourself to show your spouse the seriousness of the matter. If she sees the importance you're giving to the matter, it might be a wake up call to her. The boy is not the only one disrespecting you. His mother is for allowing him to treat you like this, and the fact that a portion of your salary is going toward housing and feeding a lazy boy who hasn't been taught to respect his elders. I'd be considering divorce as well if none of the above works.
    3 points
  11. Relax you didn't ruin your chances. Do you hug goodbye? Have you held her hand while walking? I am assuming you are talking about a good night kiss right not a make out session. The "lean in" is a subtle way of showing your intentions but you cannot just go for it, you have to be able to read her body language and facial expressions to have at least some idea she wants you to kiss her. What ever you do keep the first kiss simple and nice. It kind of breaks the ice on the whole physical part of the budding relationship. I have been asked by women I was on a date with if I kiss on the first date, I have had women kiss me on the cheek during a hug good bye and had women tell me on the second date to "shut up and kiss me" Everyone is different so pay attention to the way she is with you and when you are sitting close or when you walk her to her car stand closer than usual, make eye contact and if she smiles and looks in your eyes and then to your mouth she is probably expecting you to kiss her good night. Now if she goes for a hug she is preempting the kiss which doesn't mean she doesn't want to kiss you eventually, just not at that moment. Like was said above she went on three dates with you so she must like you and would like to get to know you better. Keep that in mind when you are on date four, she wants to be there with you. Good luck and have fun Lost
    3 points
  12. I think if we put aside whether threesomes are good or bad, here is what I see really wrong with this picture. Firstly, he has mentioned it many times and you never showed any interest in it and in fact told him it actually bothers you. Sex is about respect and consent and if he knows you are uncomfortable with this, he HAS to stop doing it. You are not obliged to have a threesome if you don't want to or do anything sexual that you don't want to in general. Secondly, he talks about threesomes with your SISTER? I know it's not his sister but what he's talking about is actually incest. And talking about your friends is so inappropriate too. He sounds very insensitive and like he had no filter and doesn't care about your feelings either.
    3 points
  13. Well, OP, he isn't even asking you to buy dinner even every second time, but just sometimes. It would be a nice gesture on your part anyhow. I am having some difficulty seeing the connection between buying dinner out sometimes and watching racing on TV. I assume he does not watch racing twelve hours a day. It is really, as other posters have remarked, a question of discussing your roles and reaching an agreement. Most couples I know both spouses are working full time, and share expenses.
    3 points
  14. I'm not sure what culture you're from but even in very traditional cultures, this type of arrangement you're talking about is agreed on by both people from the get go. E.g. I'm from Russia and my parents have been married for 39 years and they had a very gender role conforming relationship. My Mum did and does work but mostly only part-time. Dad always worked full-time and made a lot of money and Mum does everything around the house. If you would like this kind of arrangement and you want to just be a housewife and cook and clean and your boyfriend to work and pay for everything, you can agree on that with him if he's willing. However if that is not the agreement in your relationship and you are from a Western country then really your financial contribution should be basically 50/50. So what if your boyfriend makes a lot of money, you should be working too and paying for things too. Sure you do chores and let him watch TV but that's just normal things that a girlfriend does. Allowing him to watch the races on TV isn't anything special and he doesn't owe you anything for that. It's the 21st Century and women have fought hard for feminism and equality. So I think there's no need to act like you're in the 1950's.
    3 points
  15. This man has zero morale and zero standards. It doesn't matter why/what/how. I don't even know why you got involved with a married man! You don't have better self esteem than this? As wiseman suggested, block and delete him and his people. This is a toxic cycle/drama. You need to work in yourself and focus on being with single committed men instead.
    2 points
  16. That is hurtful.. but actions have to match words in order them to not be lies and manipulations... She's guilting you because she won't change. She's the victim if you leave... But she's not... this is typical BS and not love.
    2 points
  17. What do you mean by "selfishness and issues"? You seem to have some insight into this, that's a good start. What, exactly, does she mean by you don't care? No affection? No dates? Don't listen? Cheat? Ignore her?
    2 points
  18. Why not just set a date to treat him out and make him feel special? During that meal you can negotiate other ideas with one another to help you BOTH feel important going forward. Honestly, if a guy I'm otherwise happy with were to spell out so clearly one thing that he wished from me, I'd thank him for his patience with me for not getting it this whole time, and I'd offer him his wish with gusto--and I'd make it up to him. Head high, and focus on your priorities. If one of those is to cherish your relationship, then step up and DO that.
    2 points
  19. None of this applies for me as I operate or live my life along the lines of: If someone wants to walk out, stay out. There is no going back after that as my view of the person starts to change.
    2 points
  20. I’m not sure where the fear is coming from. Is this nervousness due to rejection from her or from the kiss going awry? You seem to have tremendous pressure on you to behave in a specific way. As long as you’re reading her cues and if the situation presents itself lean in and kiss her. The most memorable first kiss I’ve had was near a cascade or waterfall surrounded by mist. We were both active people and it was after a climb. I think there are many ways to find space and intimacy living in the moment.
    2 points
  21. Talk with each other about your expectations. This may be a learning experience for you. Communicate a little more. If it’s not working out or you’re unable to come to an agreement, you both may not be compatible in your values or beliefs.
    2 points
  22. I will second what Batya said. OP, If a guy wants to see you, doesnt matter if he is working 24 hours a day or that he is far away, he will find the time and day to arrange a date and see you. "I am very busy" without anything concrete is nothing. Its basically just an excuse for him not to commit. So if he is that keen, he will have no problem arranging that. So, be very beware there. Words are nothing without action that would follow those words. Does he express his interest in any other way? Meaning like texting you first or even calling?
    2 points
  23. Friendly is good. IF she understands these are 'dates', then she is aware you are interested in her that way. As mentioned, do you guys flirt at all? Maybe approach with hand holding first, see how she responds - if she accepts that much, then I feel in time, a kiss/hug can proceed after that. And try to work on your confidence more .
    2 points
  24. Err on the side of caution. At worst she'll think you're shy or a gentleman. Women get wolves lunging at them all the time so it's not a problem. Try to relax. Play it by ear. Start with planning romantic dates and sitting next to each other put your arm around her etc. It's unclear (unless you are reading Pickup Artist rubbish about 3rd date rules, etc.) why you think no physical action by the third date means friendzoning. It's also unclear why you think you're in the friendzone if it's clear you met on a dating app and she's interested in more dates. Work on your self confidence and it's ridiculous to "talk to her about it" as if she owes you something and if she doesn't put out you'll be dumping her.
    2 points
  25. Do you pay any portion of the rent or mortgage? Groceries only cost a fraction of what it takes to have a household. If he's paying all the rent and all the utilities, why can't you pay if you want a night out?
    2 points
  26. Well if you want to kiss why don't you just do it? If you go on a fourth date with her, maybe afterwards ask her to go for a walk somewhere like a park, along a river, anywhere nice like that. Try to have the date in the evening so it's dark and more private and romantic atmosphere. As you're walking, take her hand and see how she reacts. If she's holding hands and everything seems to be going well, then go in for a kiss. I don't think you should cut your losses just because you haven't kissed. If she keeps contacting you and going on dates then that means she's interested. Maybe she's also shy or she's more traditional and expects the guy to make the first move.
    2 points
  27. Well, she still wants to date you so thats a plus. Do you flirt? How she reacts? Does she flirt? Did you try try maybe hugging her with one arm while you walk, or light touch on upper arm area to see how she reacts? Or just hugging in general when you say bye? Or even took some opportunity to hold her hand a bit like "Oh thats a nice ring you have there" move if she wears one? You need to "check the teritory" and see if she is comfortable with physical touches before the kiss.
    2 points
  28. Entitlement never works in a relationship.
    2 points
  29. Adults should be contributing equally in a relationship. If you see it's not a case, then you need to have a talk on reaching an agreement whereby you are both contributing and happy- no resentments.
    2 points
  30. He sounds like a delicate princess. Honestly I'd be so turned off by this guy there isn't a chance in hell I'd ever be able to have sex with him again. My ___________ would dry up faster than a raindrop in the desert.
    2 points
  31. OP, this is the sort complex situation that is way beyond the help of random unqualified strangers on advice boards. Your best course is to speak to a good child psychiatrist specifically about how to respond to your daughter when she is threatening you, how to handle yourself and where to draw boundaries and how. You need that advice from someone who actually knows what they are talking about, have direct experience and education helping parents like yourself. Also, agree with your daughter needs counseling to help her deal with the abuse and trauma as well. Understand that children who grow up with an abusive parent tend to want to please that abusive parent, which is counter intuitive to you and hard to understand. Again, why you need professional help to learn how to navigate this.
    2 points
  32. Dear Limichelle, I'm so glad to see such a declaration from you, and I can appreciate that this is an important thing to put into words and post. Consider yourself heard by the universe as well as a stranger who joins with you in affirming your intrinsic and unalterable value as well as your capacity to give and receive love. (((Big HUG))) to you, darling! Cat
    1 point
  33. it is. I'm sorry. I've been there. That moment when it hit me. Everything will be fine as long as I keep meeting their needs and forget mine. And how long they had manipulated the dynamic to be this way. Instance after Instance, going back years. I realized they need to do too much work on themselves to ever even understand what a crappy person they actually are. It could kill a person to hear my observations... that's when I was done. You deserve more.
    1 point
  34. Well, then it seems it's time to make some major decisions. You tried and she isn't willing to work with you. There's really one choice to make- live with it, leave. What we don't change we accept. You can't make her change but you can change the situation.
    1 point
  35. Yes he’s initiated just about everything. He will often double text too. No calling though. I don’t mind a call before meeting but not the biggest fan of calling, so that’s fine.
    1 point
  36. Then eat in 😉 ... and if this money things a problem ( and since you moved in together.. then move out) . 😉
    1 point
  37. As someone working daily against ptsd, Overthinking and anxiety I can honestly say that at the root of it is mindfulness. I'm always thinking about could have and its. The future potentially or worrying about what already has happened. Stay in the moment as much as you can and experience the breeze on your face. The smell of the flowers and the warmth of the sun. Breathe it all in
    1 point
  38. That's ok. When you're ready, just start fresh with neither of these two. Get a good profile and pics on a quality dating app and start talking to and meeting women. These two are probably no longer available anyway.
    1 point
  39. Thank you for your comments. I'd note this was my business. My then GF had her foot stung by a bee before her Mother arrived and we (GF and I) were dealing with it together. The morning of the incident my GF and I were texting and on the phone, and the TM show her reaching out to me, notwithstanding her mother being in her apartment, complaining about the pain in her foot and how she wanted to go to the ER and my stating I would take a look at her foot when I arrived at her apartment. I shared the TM with a friend who also happens to be Russian and she stated the messages showed the story exactly as I had told her. So this was my business. I am a realist and I have traveled more than most non-Russians to and in Russia and I have spent more time than most with Russians in Russia and in the U.S. This is not a cultural thing. This is a dysfunctional family thing. By the way, flights between Moscow and LA can be had for under $800 round trip so expense is not an issue, particularly where the mother is not renting a car nor paying for a hotel. The mother who claims to be a doctor. I can tell you growing up as a child my Mother never left me or my siblings for three weeks to go hang out in LA. I can't imagine my siblings and my father being without my Mother so she can have fun in some far away city. My GF is 30 something while her brother back home in Moscow is just 14 and soon it will be a month that his Mom has been away from home. Sorry, in my book, that's not normal. I have observed both, the now ex GF and the mother, and there is a definite dysfunctional co-dependency. Another friend familiar with them remarked there was definitely a dysfunctional co-dependency. She noted the complexity as the Mother was the enabler of the physically/sexually abusive alcoholic father. She states the mother saw me as a threat to her control over her daughter and she manipulated my GF to push me out of the picture.
    1 point
  40. I've read a lot of self-help ebooks on how to get an ex back or how to stop a divorce, etc. Here's my two cents on the strategies: In a perfect world, it should work. And it IS very good advice. Yes, you become a better, more improved, attractive version of yourself, BUT in my case, my exes resented me for being happy, improved, and successful. In fact, the more successful, improved I became, the more they hated me, instead of being curious about the new version of me. Instead of coming back, meeting up with me, or giving me the benefit of the doubt, they hated my guts as they became hostile, resentful, malicious, and vindictive. These ebooks are mostly 'one-size-fits-all' advice, but very often, when you cannot control a situation (exes with excessive anger, mental illness, pride, lack of judgment), there is just so much you can do! Take it from someone who knows.
    1 point
  41. Sadly, it is true. You do not have control of her this way, as she has her own choices in this matter. My son chose to go to his dad's as well around this age, I said fine, this is your choice.. It lasted about a year ( longer than I assumed), but it's something HE wanted & felt he needed to do. I remember a saying, ..When they are young we 'raise' them, as they hit their teens, we 'guide' them... Meaning no matter what you say or try to do with them.. they can easily find a way. Yes, they can & will deceive you. They will go against your word. They are challenging. So, don't try to damage your own self too much here. Let her explore and let her learn, on her own. Only so much you can do . I am sure, eventually she'll come back. As for past abuse with him. did either of you seek prof help? My son was damaged a few ways & did need some therapy etc. Keep watch on this.. Teen years can be very stressful with all the changes & stressors ❤️
    1 point
  42. I don't think I've ever had a bf that repeatedly made comments about other womens' looks. We can make a comment together, but it's def not much or a regular thing.
    1 point
  43. Its not really that much of a mystery why it happened from your story about that night. He got drunk, you didnt "put up" so he went to the next convinient thing, the girl who he knew it would as she has a thing for him. Ask yourself if he really is a "good guy", especially because he would never told you about it if you havent found out yourself. And straight up lied to you when you confronted him about it until you presented evidence.
    1 point
  44. That is because lots of "experts" relly on people who didnt get over their ex to read the article. So saying something like "Just be the best version of yourself and your ex will be chasing you" sounds very good to people who want to hear that and gets clicks. Also, for some reason some exes "hate seeing you happy" as people would say. So when they see you looking good, or having fun, or even with some other girl/boy it triggers that impulse in them how they maybe missed something about you. So in some cases it does work. However, what has been broken rarely gets in good place again. That is why the ultimate goal of healing after break up is to accept the break up and move on. And to say to yourself how that person wasnt right, or even in some cases especially good for you. But that there is somebody out there who is.
    1 point
  45. Someone with clinical depression may have a chemical imbalance and is not going to get better without changing the chemical balance of the brain . Being sad because of a break up or death is not the same thing . You recover with time and grieving and may need a bit of assistance but not chemical treatment.
    1 point
  46. I think the best thing you can do is have strong boundaries. His depression is something he and he alone can work on. Taking on any responsibility for another person's health, will destroy yours. I would create strong boundaries. Mainly, if he is off his meds, I would not see him. A person should not be off their prescribed medications without the guidance of their doctor. My other boundary would be, they must stay in therapy and see a doctor regularly. Again, a person on a prescription for a doctor diagnosed condition needs to see a doctor, a therapist, regularly. You do a person no favors enabling them to neglect their responsibilities. As a person's partner and closest to them, you have to hold them accountable. If you can't, then end it. it is better for you both. Good luck. I've been there. It's a tough path.
    1 point
  47. YOU are not responsible for his mental health HE is. There is zero you can do when people don’t want to help themselves. My dad suffered from severe mental health issues which in turn gave me my own through abusive treatment. My husband has severe mental health issues but is medicated and doing great. I am medicated for mine. I already know there is nothing you can do for people who refuse to help themselves.
    1 point
  48. Okay. You do the right thing when you honour your feelings, needs, and respect yourself. You do the right thing when you commit yourself to a man who is mutually committed to you. Do not fall for his mental illness excuses. He's trying to guilt trip you. And, He sounds very negative/toxic btw. No wonder you're doubting yourself. My ex had mental illness too, and other people on this forum. Our exes threatened to suicide as well! Guess what? They're doing fine and they survived. They have to. And, fyi, it's nasty when someone uses their mental illness as an excuse to guilt their partners. This man is not for you. So again, it's wrong to stay in a one-sided relationship. It's wrong to be treated the way he treats you. It's not equal. It's right to seek your worth and be happy in a relationship. You know what to do next.
    1 point
  49. I'm sorry, I am VERY confused. You were dating this woman for a year and literally right from the start you had very large amounts of evidence that she's cheating on you with many other men. You don't honestly believe she was raped (at least not by all) when she was very willingly texting them all constantly and meeting them by her own wishes? Because she was in a relationship with you she shouldn't have even been meeting men as "friends". She should have been looking for female friends only because she wasn't single. You were working and providing for her financially for a year while she's dating other men. And you ask "Should I break up with my girlfriend?" I don't understand how this is even a question! Of course the answer is yes!!
    1 point
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