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Showing content with the highest reputation on 07/15/2021 in all areas

  1. Thanks all. Would he stay with my friend’s daughter? Yes, but in the beginning he probably would be trying to rip open the door to my bedroom and stuff. When I am in the shower and such, no he doesn’t melt down. He is at the point where he keeps himself busy. I found out something awesome today at work - our museum got a very large grant. We will be seeing a (small) raise in 45 days, and apparently something I didn’t know is I can utilize the childcare even when I am not there. It’s part of the museum 90 day perk package for employees (im about to get my review in 2 weeks). You get a reciprocal membership, standard 90 day raise(this is separate from the raise coming from the grant) and access to childcare during museum hours as long as you are scheduled for at least 15 hours of the week that week(I always am). So this is really cool. The raise is not as big of a deal to me as the childcare. We can also watch remotely from our phones. So…I think picking up some flex gig or another PTJ is the way to go. Thanks again everyone.
    5 points
  2. I guess the universe wants me to stay at the museum! It’s almost bizarre how this is working out.
    4 points
  3. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm settling?" - I would agree with that. I see no major problem with him not liking photos, or using any social media (I hate it too), and not complimenting much etc, BUT the big issue here is the lack of sex, his lack of even wanting to try and please you, his lack of listening to what you have asked for and showing lack of interest. Here you two are incompatible (imo). Maybe time to rethink the relationship. NEVER settle. Ever.
    4 points
  4. I'm popping back in quickly to say I'm not surprised you're still anxious and fearful. Remember when I said even if she texted "How are you?" every hour on the hour you'd still be anxious and fearful? And that it's because your fear and anxiety live inside of you? You just believed she could relieve it with attention and texts but that's obviously not the case. Things are going well, you claim to be completely confident she is in a committed relationship with you, you say you have no worries at all and are fine with her going on vacation with her ex, she spends a LOT of time with you...and yet, here you are, fearful and anxious. Trying to "live with it" or trying to "endure" isn't working. So what do you think you should do?
    3 points
  5. This guy was looking for perfection. Someone that would never make a mistake, never say or do the wrong things (in his opinion), someone that is the perfect partner so he can finally let his guard down. He has a fair amount of baggage to unpack and took it out on you. This cycle will repeat for him over and over again. You made some mistakes yes. But don't we all want someone in our lives that is understanding? This guy was far from understanding don't you think? I know this hurts right now because you feel like you messed this up and never got the chance to fix it. I think in time you will see he did you a favor. If 6 months ago you could see he was rigid and not understanding would you have continued to see him? It just took 6 months or so to see the real him. Good luck on the new job/career. Lost
    3 points
  6. Maybe they know about an upcoming layoff? I'd say it doesn't hurt to start sending out resumes/applying to jobs. It doesn't hurt as well to wait until they let you know whether or not you'll be laid off. Just be mentally/financially prepared for it.
    3 points
  7. Today we got our RHU offer and I got everything I wanted . 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and central air and a recent renovation ( 2017). Only $100 more a month than we pay here. We move first week of September. Sad I closed my daycare early but it will give me a summer off.
    2 points
  8. He didn't expect you to have self respect. What he was hoping for is that you'll have a total breakdown without his greatness, go begging for him to come back and he'll deign to bang you once in a awhile out of pity while he pursues others and you stroke his ego. What can I say....you didn't lose anything worthwhile here. Bullet dodged. Now tell him to eff off and never contact you again. What a loser he is.
    2 points
  9. I agree, it's extremely unfortunate. Time to start calling those people entitled obnoxious spoiled brats, not Karens or Kevins. My brother decided to wait it out when his company was going through something similar. He ended up unemployed with a wife, two children and another on the way. It took him over 3 months to find a new job. And since the company had gone belly up he lost all medical coverage in addition to his 401 (k) money since the company had illegally "borrowed" from the fund to try to stay afloat. Loyalty doesn't exist from the company to you, you know!
    2 points
  10. My daughter's name is Karen so I wish people would not call mean/negattive people Karen. Dust off your resume and start looking for a new job.
    2 points
  11. the mom talk: these are the things that need to be assessed before getting involved with someone...kinda like jumping into the deep end not knowing if you can swim or not.
    2 points
  12. Back in August of 2017 you were saving yourself for marriage. What was it about this guy that changed your mind? I am curious as to what you saw in him that changed your mind. Did you see him as the one? As for the lack of intimacy (full on intercourse or other) it is a big issue. Intimacy is more than penetration, it is a closeness, a willingness to be vulnerable, a bonding experience. Without it what do you have other than a friendship. From the outside it looks like what you want and what he wants are two different things. He is okay with the way it is and you are not. You have tried to discuss it with him with no improvement. What else is there? You went from having lack luster sex 2-3 times a week to nothing in 2 years. What will it be like in 4 years? Sometimes people check a lot of the boxes but if the important ones are empty it is time to call it quits and keep looking. I am sorry, I know it sucks to get so close and then realize they aren't the one for you. Lost
    2 points
  13. Before totally throwing in the towel, try some of these things first: Tell him you'll be planning this week's date night, and the next week it will be his turn, and it'll make you happy to keep this routine. Go on Cosmopolitan magazine online which has particular positions to try in bed and point out a few you'd like to try. Give him a choice of which role playing scenario you've come up with: give him 2 or 3 ideas. If possible, dress or the occasion. Take a trip to a couples store and pick up some products and toys. If he balks or makes excuses, explain that you two need to work at keeping your intimacy time exciting. You could also tell him you want to extend the session to forty-five minutes or whatever is your goal. You can also ask for what you need. As long as you phrase it in "i" sentences instead of "you never," who can argue with that? You could say, "I'd love it if we can hold hands while out shopping." "Can you rub my back? Oh, that feels wonderful. You have magic hands." Funnily enough, you train people just like you do with animals. Positive reinforcement when they do something to please you, even if you've asked for it. Smiles. Words of praise. And perhaps he will start doing things to please you without you asking. If you've asked for reasonable things and a person doesn't care, he will do nothing to improve. You can then say you tried everything before totally giving up and can walk away more easily, knowing you, at least, put in effort before making that final decision. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
    2 points
  14. Yes. Get your resume updated and out there. Whatever restructuring they're doing doesn't look good. Cover the bases. Stay at the job but if they're folding, you may need a backup plan.
    2 points
  15. How long have you been living together? Living together can become routine, boring and complacent,which seems to be part of the problem. Why aren't you planning dates? You need to participate in your own happiness, not expect him to be a rom-com character. For example posting candid social media pics is nonsense to whine about. As far as sexuality goes, again you're too passive and not participating in your own satisfaction. You're not "settling", you just expect someone else to do everything.
    2 points
  16. I sympathize, OP. I also live abroad and had my own visa issues a couple times before getting it all sorted. (not through marriage) He is right to be honest that this is not a viable solution for him. I know you are feeling desperate much it is much too soon and too much responsibility on him to agree to this. I am not sure which country you're residing in, but a marriage of convenience is not something most governments take lightly. It's generally a more involved process than simply putting one's residency details on paper. The consequences also are quite serious if you get caught, especially since he isn't a citizen of the country either. I would not see him again, though. It will hurt too much when you know this will end. It is better to try to find another solution for your paperwork, and if you can't, you will have to accept that this is not the path for you.
    2 points
  17. Sorry this is happening. Why did your visa run out? Are you working or studying in this country? He did the right thing. Marrying for a visa can be viewed as a sham marriage. This could get him in trouble. He's also correct that dating 36 weeks is too soon to talk about marriage. Unfortunately it comes across as hustling him for your agenda rather than marrying for the right reasons. If you want to stay in this country, why can't you get a visa through appropriate means such as working or studying?
    2 points
  18. You are his first.. Is there a reason you moved in with him so quickly? ( without even know if you're truly compatible...). Now.. as time goes on, you're realizing some issue's. As for the 'dating' thing you enjoy, he's lacking there.. But, I know many who don't always feel they need to go out all the time. Just being together is fine. ( but, another difference, you want more than this). Sexually, seems you are not aligned there either.. as he's lacking. (and you're not). Yeah, I can see this dwindling down for you 😕 . Maybe is time you admitted to him this doesn't feel right for you.
    2 points
  19. I agree with the above. To me this is demeaning. He's being treated like a child in Kindergarten. Charts are for very young children, (imo). Treat him like the adult he is. I think if my partner started making charts for me I would have packed my bag and walked out, but then again, I am old school. Simply put your own laundry in a separate bag with a tie and keep it in your own closet.
    2 points
  20. I think this guy is looking to "punish" someone for all the past pain. So he chose this moment to punish you and cast you out of his life, because it doesn't sound like he ever really dealt with his ex cheating on him. Should you have been honest about being out of work? Sure. But is he over-reacintg? Yes, without any question. Major projection going on there. He's showing you that he is rigid and lacks any empathy. His stance towards you is punitive and I would not be sad to lose someone like this. Notice how he made this all about him and his feelings? Never asked how you were coping with unemployment? Never tried to meet you halfway on this? Made you feel bad for cutting loose and having a good time with a few drinks? He sounds controlling, honestly. Toodles, dude. He's not the great catch you think he is.
    2 points
  21. I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about. We can't put our partners first all the time. Life isn't that simple. Sometimes studies or work have to come first. These things are a necessity. If we had the chance to prioritise all the nice things in life, none of us would bother showing up for class or work! If he really liked you, he wouldn't have bolted at the first signs of him not being top priority. A caring partner would be understanding and supportive. To be honest, I don' think that was the issue here anyway. He gave you - what seems to be - a very honest answer. That is a lot more than some people get. I think you are looking for things that you feel can be fixed. Personally, however, I think it just got to a point where you were moving further forward in the relationship than he was and whilst you were speeding things up, he realised he wanted to slow things down. It's really sucky, I know but I don't think the outcome would be any different had you done anything differently and to be honest, you shouldn't want to jeopardise your future in that way. It is not necessary to do so.
    2 points
  22. Too funny I was just thinking exactly that - needs flowers. 🙂 Very nice home and looks like a nice lot too with some space around it. So excited for you.
    1 point
  23. How did she say this to you? There's a difference between saying that and adding a cheeky wink after that sentence or saying that and going into a lengthy rant about why. Or saying that simply because you asked her. Ultimately, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." My recommendation, put yourself out there and ask her out for coffee. Make her laugh, have a great time. (Obviously if she's crying her eyes out about this break up that's another story.) Honestly, the worst thing you could do is wait... because you might be waiting forever. There's never going to be the right time or the perfect time. Plus, coffee is just that, coffee. See how it goes. Then, you take it from there. 🙂 Just to add, I'd follow catfeeder's advice. You want to be seen as 'dateable', not a therapist who listens to her break-up woes.
    1 point
  24. Text once "please do not contact me", then delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media and devices. Never accommodate someone who dumps you and has this huge of an ego. Is this the same man?:
    1 point
  25. Don't do this. It will prevent you from getting closure. Your brain is on overdrive right now, which is normal. But don't prolong that stage by keeping him on your mind by going through all your old conversations, which will bring him front and center in your mind, when he chose to no longer be in your life. It normally took me 4 to 6 months to get over a breakup when I practiced no communication with a guy and deleted old photos and messages and his number. I suggest you do this so that you can get to the healing and moving on stage without prolonging that process. Take care.
    1 point
  26. Yes, of course. Send out your resume and start searching now. I hope that things work out with the new job search.
    1 point
  27. No, it's not. You said it's "exhausting". A professional could help you.
    1 point
  28. We don’t live in that area yet thankfully, seems to be a bad tornado year, but the heat and humidity is ridiculous. It is 40C today. Hubby said he is digging a slit trench when we get there because of no basements. 😂
    1 point
  29. Good luck on your search. Better to get out in front of this like has been suggested. As far as loyalty goes the heads of the company already showed you how loyal they are to the workers. They jumped ship right away. If this company gets it's license back and looks like a good fit for you then you can always apply for your old job as long as Karen is gone. Polish up that resume and get back out there before more companies in the same boat start laying off workers. Lost
    1 point
  30. Can only echo everyone else. Start looking and applying now. Keep in mind that finding a job is a tedious process that can take months. As for loyalty, you may feel loyal, but the company never is. If they need to lay you off, they will. If they end up closing down, they will. Top people jumping ship usually means that the company is circling the proverbial drain.
    1 point
  31. So, what do you intend to do to address this problematic situation?
    1 point
  32. You’re not unable. It’s a choice. Fake it till you make it. Meaning do your thing even without motivation. Then over time it becomes normal again. It’s the only way I workout every morning. I’m not always motivated but do it anyway. No “shoulds” - I “should “ be so happy makes no sense. And you’ve been dating a very short time. I think since you’ve chosen to move so fast it’s throwing you off and triggering these sorts of issues and concerns.
    1 point
  33. Also what do you prefer. A sweater with no fuzz or a relationship with no warm fuzzies? “Is it better to be right or to be close “.
    1 point
  34. I have several friends who brag about their spouses incessantly and post photos on social media. And they or their spouses have confided in me how dysfunctional the relationship is. I find the quiet types who don’t need to shout from the rooftops are often the happier ones. I think you two lack chemistry. Unless you’re very particular about sexual positions or have a fetish that you have to have him get better at it shouldn’t be this much work. I get the sleep part but typically that’s more of a parents with young kids thing or a parent who is a caregiver for an elderly parent who needs help firing the night.
    1 point
  35. Yes definitely. Take care of you. And you might consider abandoning the already overused Karen label. Especially since you’d hate to be labeled disloyal for example.
    1 point
  36. Thanks a lot! Appreciate the input. Yeah it’s better to cover the bases.
    1 point
  37. I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like he's taking you for granted and you're both settling. A man who loves you would constantly find a way to get intimate/show you he cares, at least every now and then. I would either talk to him about it (see his motives/spice it up), or leave. There's more into a healthy relationship than not arguing. So, simply say you're not feeling it, and if he says he'll change- don't accept/settle for that neither. He is what he is.
    1 point
  38. He's one sick puppy. How old is this clown?
    1 point
  39. As for him being "one of the good ones"? Nope. He love bombed you, red flag right there. (I'm sorry, but he sounded creepy in the beginning). He wasn't genuine, immature and a total drama queen. I'd give him a hard pass, as I think most women would.
    1 point
  40. I have ADD. I know its called ADHD, but I don't call it that because i don't have the hyperactivity part. I am the inattentive/distracted type - but its actually not being distracted as much as it is being hyperfocused on the wrong thing. It does manifest in women differently than men sometimes, however. I would take it upon yourself to have the laundry that needs the delicate cycle or will be damaged being washed with jeans or put in the dryer yourself - keep up on it. Its not that hard to wash one bra in the sink every day or do a load of delicates before it piles up. just keep watch on that handfull of items. That way -- you can simply be APPRECIATIVE when he takes it upon himself to do your laundry if it would be a waste to put his on because he needs yours to make a full load. My guy does not have ADD but is clueless about identifying iffy items (he won't wash an undwire bra or silk but a sweater that doesn't look too delicate but needs to dry flat is sometimes washed) Also, if he wants to cook you a meal -- make sure you have a little snack so you are not starving -- if he asks you to pick the menu -- ask for something that is simpler to make - that doesn't involve having 4 things on the stove at once. Also, say "you cook the main dish and i'll make the dessert/salad so he stays on track with your presence being there. If you tell him all the time that the dinner is too late or the laundry is done wrong, he will stop helping altogether. My guy has no problem with my conversation tangeants and accepts me for who i am, but has made some adjustments in his expectations about certain things but also he appreciates the way i always come up with a new angle on how to think about something.
    1 point
  41. A friend who lives there sent me a picture
    1 point
  42. Expecting someone who is neurodivergent to act neurotypical will lead to frustration. Many ND people have executive functioning issues. Look up executive functioning. My husband has severe ADHD , we have been together almost 33 years. My husband has a very successful military career. My son is Autistic who also has executive functioning issues. Biggest advice please be patient and accepting they are doing their best and not trying to annoy you.
    1 point
  43. Please do not "confess" what you did. You could possibly do irreparable harm to him emotionally (like your ex did to you). This is his first relationship and first sexual experience. Think about how devastating it will be for him. Please do not be selfish and think "Well, I want to keep seeing him!!!" It's important to think about how your actions affect others.
    1 point
  44. I am another vote for rehab and get better friends. When you are out, do not go to your old places or talk to your old friends again. Make new, sober friends.
    1 point
  45. I thought about this some more. This guy you are dating. I suspect he is quite vulnerable right now. He's an adult with little relationship experience. He's fallen for you or is starting to anyway and had sex with you. Perhaps it turned out to be no big deal for him but I'd assume it was - just in an abundance of caution assume it was. I think sharing all you did would really hurt him in his situation. He puts himself out there and then you're going to tell him that shortly after sharing that first experience with him you did what you did. I'd do the honorable thing. Tell him without details that you realized you're just not a good match for him. Tell him the sex was wonderful, he will be a good lover, he will be a good partner. But you're not the right person. Please tell him that you don't really know exactly why you just know, it's early days and you don't want to hurt him or get too attached. Wish him all the very best. Build him up even though you're telling him you can't be with him. If you tell him the gory details my sense is it will be this never ending nightmare tape playing in his head and he will feel like dog poop. He doesn't need to know about your drinking problem either then -because you'll bow out now. Let him find someone who really wants a commitment to him - to someone who is new at this stage of love and sex and relationships. Who is not interested in the poly lifestyle or partying to the extent you are -who would not be intrigued and excited enough to do what you decided to do. You do you. But let him do him - without burdening him with your lifestyle and your life choices and your dirty laundry and issues. Let him go in peace. Please.
    1 point
  46. Perhaps, but that wasn't the case with you. You didn't want to have sex with them because of the guy that you're seeing. But you did have sex with them. You did everything you could to have sex with them. You accepted their invitation, you got smashed, you drank more, and you returned to their hotel room with them. Then you blamed everything but yourself. That's not honesty. It's self destructive.
    1 point
  47. I REALLY do think it is time for rehab.
    1 point
  48. I don’t mean to sound harsh but you’re a hot mess. I don’t think you’re serious about this guy because if you were, the thought of going out with people you recently had sex with wouldn’t have entered your mind. You’re using the alcohol to justify your promiscuity and outright cheating. Your substance abuse issues and lack of integrity make you a poor dating choice. I recommend you seek therapy and treatment for your budding alcoholism before you non only self-destruct but take people down with you. I’d also get tested for STDs, as having threesomes with swingers hardly sounds safe, and let your date know what happened so he can make a choice about whether to continue seeing you or not.
    1 point
  49. I hope yopu regret how you treated me for the rest of your life, i gave you so many chances but you were too arrogant to realise what you had til it was too late! I will never forgive you
    1 point
  50. why couldnt you of given me a chance, do you even miss me at all?
    1 point
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