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Showing content with the highest reputation on 06/21/2021 in all areas

  1. Thank you, everybody, for these responses. I think that I've been lying to myself a bit about my own feelings, and about what is actually happening in my relationship with my mom and my sister. It's really helped to start putting things out here for others to review and share their impartial opinions on the matter. I said in my initial post that I've stopped hoping that my mom would grow out of her need for validation. But I realize that this is not true. There is still some part of me that wants her to acknowledge and correct what is happening. I also think that I've been ignoring the fact that the two of them literally don't respect me. Sure, they say that they do, and they would be deeply offended if I suggested that they don't. But to quote the old adage, "actions speak louder than words." Finally, I think it's pretty clear that I need to take a stand. I'm not looking forward to the anger, tears, recriminations, minimizing, and self loathing from my mom. But I've weathered all of these things many times before, and I know I can handle a little more blustering. That's actually the least of my worries. My biggest worry is the impact on my family. Not just my mom and my sister, but my aunts and my cousins. I don't want them getting involved. This is going to take some time to plan and execute. There are so many little footnotes that I could add to each of the sentences that I'm writing. I have to work through this situation thoroughly before I can be really effective. What I'm saying is, it's not going to happen by August lol.
    3 points
  2. I just want to say, even if it's obvious and you know it intellectually, none of this is your fault. ❤️ It can be so hard to seperate our parent's stuff from ourselves sometimes. There's that part from when we were younger and depended on them so much to love us and take care of us and show us how to navigate difficult feelings, and the little guy always takes things straight to heart and figures it must be something I'm not doing right if a parent isn't able to fully recognize and accept us. But there's nothing you could have done or do now to change your mom and sister. It's not your fault. It's not reflective of you, though I know it's hard to process that after years of them trying to put it on you.
    2 points
  3. You won't be ready to date anyone else for good, long while yet. And that's okay. You are going to need plenty of time to process, and heal. 3 weeks out is still the beginning, so be patient with yourself. It hurts. It hurts a lot. You will okay days, and you will have bad days. The key is to trust the process of recovery and trust that time will help you emotionally untangle from all of it. I feel for you, OP. I was betrayed in a long-term relationship, many years ago now. It's disorienting and leaves you with so many questions. But the strength you will realize you have, in moving past it all? There are few greater feelings. Once you're past the worst of it, you will be amazed at how resilient you are and how far you have come.
    2 points
  4. I totally understand it really hurts but where I think you're going wrong is that you still keep talking to her. I think you really need to block her on everything and not speak anymore. You're really hurting so why continue torturing yourself and looking at her social media and all this? What if she starts tagging se guy on social media, do you really need to see those kinds of things? Personally I wouldn't be falling for her bs lines like: "Who knows what the future will bring, maybe we'll be together again." It sounds like she's just throwing you breadcrumbs and maybe keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with other guys. I think you should just cut her off and don't give her another chance again. She snooze, she lose! Lol
    2 points
  5. I tend to agree. Three months isn't very long. Meeting her family is a positive sign. Some people are much better in person. My boyfriend, for example, never ever tried online dating. He is a self-described "live act." Some women (myself included) prefer that the man does the 'chasing.' Bottom line is that there are many possible explanations for what you are experiencing. Don't rush to the assumption that you like her more than she likes you. That could be way off base.
    2 points
  6. Nope, not easy, I can do it because I've been practicing self-discipline religiously for years. But at the end of the day, the story would be the same in both cases whether you met these guys at work or anywhere else. The only difference is the awkward part. Is this awkward part that daunting? So, a bit of awkwardness (and drama for the immature people) would stop you from dating someone you like? And if one of those relationships did work, would you have regretted it? Dunno, to each his own, personally I don't consider it a deterrent. If the consequences were jail time, I might gave it a bit of thought beforehand, not much though lol. When the girl I really liked became my team leader when I worked in Liverpool, she gave me a hard time. Until then everyone who had reviewed my work said it was excellent, she found 1 million issues lol. She was pedantic as f*ck lol. The first time she reviewed my work and gave me a big list of issues, I admit, it stung big time. I don't mind getting feedback when I make mistakes, in fact, I seek for it because I want to improve but it stung because it was her. I didn't like it and it annoyed me for a few minutes because she was being fastidious. Nonetheless, I thought about it. In theory, yes there were some minor imperfections in my work so yes I could improve (albeit it was useless in that case). I did improve and became more pedantic myself (which I hate lol). One time, I found a mistake in her work, that was fun hahahaha. Although I became more pedantic, she kept finding mistakes in my work until the last day lol I would still marry her 🙃
    1 point
  7. I hate that phrase and really don’t want to know how it got attributed to dating/sex/work haha! You seem to be able to easily compartmentalise different areas of your life, which is why you would find dating a colleague not a big deal, but I think for a lot of others drama tends to overspill and creep into the workplace in that situation. My first experience was with a long term boyfriend who got me my first full time job after uni. It was in a different department but small open plan office so it was like we were in each other’s pockets all the time. Also, I wanted to chat/vent about the work day afterwards (it was my first proper job after all) but he just wanted to switch off completely so that grated for a while. A couple of years later when I was single at a new job (retail, part time) and was asked out by someone who I had a crush on for ages. Of course I couldn’t say no. We were totally incompatible and somehow dated for three years and had a horrible break up. Thankfully we had both left that store before breaking up but I found it really awkward moving back home and running into old colleagues having to explain what happened. So now I would definitely not date someone from work. Same industry maybe.
    1 point
  8. Different take. If you want to keep your relationship, then you need to solve the "you can be right or you can be happy" dilemma. Your mom won't admit to being wrong, so pointing out to her when she is wrong, is both pointless and picking a fight you don't need. Unless it's something imminently harmful to her, you need to learn to step back and leave her be. Smile and nod and learn how to be more neutral with them. The more you can step back and just smile and nod and let them be, the easier your relationship with them will be. This even goes to your sister's power play over "making" you come visit her. It's only fun because you hate it and show it and argue. Like Lost suggested, take over control by offering and suggesting yourself. It will be like deflating a balloon. Granted, it won't be a one time fix because just like you know them, they know you and know how to push your buttons. Your changed demeanor will get pushed and challenged and it will be challenging for you to learn not to react and stay the course. Essentially step away from playing by controlling yourself and how you react because that's the only thing you control.
    1 point
  9. C. Tone it down. Step back. 12weeks dating is a good time to observe any incompatibilities you have. What, exactly, is bothering you about her? Lack of affection? You're jumping to conclusions . Meeting family doesn't mean anything other than an introduction. Who texts first is a game playing mindset. So your criteria seems more about competition than the quality of the relationship. Do you like her? Do you see each other regularly and is it fun and satisfying?
    1 point
  10. You will be OK ,like you said it’s just blustering to keep the status quo. It might be loud but it’s background noise to keep you in your lane, well your lane according to them.
    1 point
  11. Youve been out for 3 months and introduced to family. I would say you are doing good for now Eh, so so. As my friend once said, girls love for you to be there but not to be there. That means to be on her mind but not all the time. I never could do that, I give myself in full and cant play those games. But sometimes it has strange effect. For example dont message her for 2 days and see how she messages first. There you go. Sometimes people dont go at the same pace. She introduced you to family, that is a big thing so I would say she is serious too. Dont smother her and give her time, she will maybe be there
    1 point
  12. B) and C). It's only been 3 months. Give it time. Get to know each other better including personalities, characters, quirks, likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies, etc. Perhaps she prefers that you initiate messages because you're better at electronic correspondence than she is. I've known quite a few people who are much better in person than texting, messaging, emails and voicemails. They're even better in person than phone chats. Maybe she doesn't have any good ideas for dates so she defers to you. I think the best thing to do is to ask her if these issues bother you. Either tell her that you would like for her to message you first every now and then or don't say anything. Either tell her that you would like for her to come up with dating ideas or don't mention it at all. Be nice about it. Don't sound demanding and commanding otherwise she'll want to break up with you. Clear communication is important. If anything is bothering or concerning you, then let her know how you feel in person. Don't go back 'n forth electronically for what you should say to her in person and remember to be a good listener, too. Hear her reasons.
    1 point
  13. Your mom and sister are insecure. They may not act like it or admit it but they are as well as you stated codependent like two drug addicts sticking together so everything they do no matter how horrible or dangerous is normal. There is no fixing this so don't even try and learn to accept this is who they are. They have shown you who they are for years so just take them at their word so to speak and adjust your interactions accordingly. This is the crux of your problem as I see it. You are operating under the assumption that they are reasonable and empathetic under it all when they are not. What you need to do is accept that they are both selfish and narcissistic people and then tailor you responses or actions accordingly. You are making an effort which they know you will continue to do so you are basically playing right into their hands. If you don't, you get guilt tripped and interrogated which is another way of punishing you for not going along with their way or the highway attitude. What to do in this instance? Of course telling them to go pound sand is one option but it sounds like you are not there yet. I like that you didn't cave and counter offered to come down and visit and then leave after the visit. I would go one further by making plans while you are there to go see a nearby attraction or museum or whatever and invite your sister and her family. If they go great but if they don't then that is great too but you took the high road and offered. This does a couple of things. It shows them you are in control not them and it also shows your sister that she is only part of the reason you made the 2 hr trip down. It takes her importance away in a sense. We were coming this way anyways kind of thing. You will never change them or be okay with the way they are but you can mitigate your exposure and make life easier for yourself. If they say or do something you do not appreciate then go silent on them, don't tell them what they did wrong or try to show them they are wrong just go silent. It isn't your job to teach them right from wrong so stop trying. Just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to play by their rules when visiting. Be flexible but not a doormat and offer alternatives when they suggest something you do not want to do. In the end not giving in will give you control back and it might even show moms that if she digs her heels in and won't bend a little she simply will not see you on that trip. Don't fear upsetting her, you are a grown up now too. Lost
    1 point
  14. Thanks for the replies. These are helping me think through things, even though so far I'm mainly being a negative nelly lol.
    1 point
  15. I would ignore the request like they do with you and not go.
    1 point
  16. Weird that she saw one attractive guy at a wedding you were her date to. And you had a fight and suddenly she wants to break up and pursue this guy? It’s not even like she had been spending time with him and grew feelings by the sound of your post. So if a handsome face is all it took for her to do this, it seems like you’re better off. There are so many attractive people in the world but we don’t throw our relationships aside to have a chance with them all. Clearly she has been thinking about ending it and that guy was a “reason” for her to do so. I know you feel awful. What she did and how she did it is awful. You don’t need a person like that.
    1 point
  17. Come on, change your mindset to "no, losers don't break me". I mean, do you really want to give this kind of power over your life, emotions, and future relationships to disordered narcissistic cheaters? Absolutely anyone can be cheated on once. However, when you find yourself choosing relationships with narcs, you have to start looking at yourself and why are you making these choices. What is attracting you to these types of people? Also, why are you having such a hard time letting go of someone who is so unworthy of you and your time? Might be time better spent than pining for her.
    1 point
  18. Firstly, i want to say how very sorry this happened to you. What bothers me a lot is the fact that she outwardly lied to you: "...right now she is not feeling things and she wanted to focus on herself and be alone. When I asked if there was or is someone else she said "No, do you not think I can be alone?!" That, to me, is a red flag. If she truly loved you, she would not have conducted herself that way. However, you yourself said that you "didn't feel the closeness or spark I am used to though." Perhaps you were losing interest as well. Think about it. What you are feeling is normal. Yes, it sucks (big time), but there's no magic switch which you can turn off. You need to heal that that takes time. Plain and simple. I can guarantee you that, with time, your heartache will lessen and your broken heart will mend. It seems to me that her emotional compass is broken. You need to break all ties with her; block her, etc. Do not talk to her, text her or otherwise because, IMHO, she is only hanging on to you in case it doesn't work with the other guy. Do NOT be her doormat, please. Pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off and do your best to carry on. Difficult? Of course! But you will eventually find peace and happiness. You will be moving to Arizona - wonderful new start. Best of luck to you, and remember, you don't need someone like her to bring you down. One day, you will look back at this terrible experience and truly realise that you dodged a bullet.
    1 point
  19. This is a difficult topic to discuss, because my brain gets all twisted up when I think about it. It's basically the relationship between my mom, my sister, and me. My mom has positioned herself as a middleman between my sister and me. My sister is happy this way, my mom is happy this way, I am not happy this way. I've tried to circumvent it in the past, but have never been successful. My sister and my mom have (what I believe to be) a very codependent relationship with each other. I think it's a natural dynamic for their personality types. They are both naturally manipulative people. They actually conspire together to control situations, and they can do it almost without speaking. They are in complete denial about this. They validate each other, even when what they are doing is mean or wrong--especially then. It's very annoying. When we were growing up, my sister would always take my mom's side against me in arguments, and my mom encouraged this. She claimed that my sister was 'fair' because she is a Libra (lol). But believe me, my sister isn't 'fair'--my sister is looking out for No. 1. And so is my mom. My mom has this thing where she needs to feel like she never makes mistakes and that she is always right. She also needs to feel like a "good guy." I do realize that this is why she clung so hard to my sister when we were growing up. But I have stopped hoping that my mom will somehow grow out if it. My sister continues to work this angle with my mom, and frankly, my mom likes it. She feels like my sister is her "protector," and that she needs protection from me, the kid who will call her out. Like I am her enemy. Basically, the worst thing you can do with my mom is show her that she is wrong, or make her feel like a "bad guy." But it has to be done and I get a ton of grief for it. My sister and my mom both have (what I consider to be) peculiar friendships. My mom boasts that she has many friends--and I guess she does, if you count all the people that would probably show up if they were invited to a party by her. But she really only hangs out with one or two couples, almost like they're security blankets. These are all like-minded people, of course. She even brings them with her when she's visiting other friends! As a kid, my sister was obsessed with being 'cool,' and was always hatching a scheme to fit in with the 'cool kids.' She actually went so far as to dump her own friends when a 'cool kid' expressed a dislike for said friends. Eventually, my sister did fully ingratiate herself into that cool clique. She is actually an extremely charming person. She lights up a room--and so does my mom--but she's a real btch. I think that's why she's been so successful in business. She's an apex predator. And she still sheds friends like yesterday's trash. My mom and my sister are both extremely competitive. But my mom will swear up and down that she (my mom) is not competitive as she complains about how much her friend Rita brags about her (Rita's) grandchild when said grandchild is nowhere near as awesome as my mom's grandchild. I don't know whether my sister would admit to being competitive or not, but she definitely is. And unfortunately for her, she grew up as the little sister of me, who won first place in practically every competition that I entered, could run faster and do more pull ups than any of the boys, and who was the best artist in school. My sister dreaded the first day of class, when teachers would inevitably say, "Oh, you're Jibralta's sister? Can you draw as well as she can?" One day, my sister finally burst into tears and demanded that she never be given the same teacher as me again. Her demands were met. My mom and my sister both have nasty, spiteful tempers and they never forgive. They never admit to being wrong, and they never apologize. The Problem The point of this whole diatribe is that I am once again facing the tricky machinations of my own personal mother-sister Cerberus. In August, we will be vacationing two hours from their homes (my mom lives 2 miles from my sister). It is a 13-hour drive from here to our time share. Rather than meet us there, which is a comparatively short drive for them, my mom is asking that we drive the additional 4 hour round-trip, on top of our 13-hour trip, to visit my sister, who magically can't get the time off for a day or two (she has unlimited vacation time). We actually have two time shares in the same location. We bought them 20 years ago, with the idea that we would reunite there with our respective families each summer. Well, it seems that the new annual family vacation date and destination has been moved. It is now this week, and it's even farther away, and no, we weren't invited. But that's not actually what's bothering me. What's bothering me is that my mom really expects us to make the journey to my sister's to stay overnight, in the middle of our vacation, when she knows that I hate staying at my sister's house (a whole nother story). All of this was communicated through text. I responded by saying that we were willing to come down on the first Sunday after we arrived, and that we would drive back the same day. I also asked if I could purchase the time share from her. My mom holds the deed to both units (unsurprisingly), so we have to go through her to book our stay. And literally every time we go down there, my sister asks that we drive the 4-hour round trip to her instead of her coming up to see us. And we always do. Buying the unit from my mom would obviously prevent my mom from knowing when we are 'nearby' and saddling us with visitation obligations. However (unsurprisingly) my mom ignored my text. My mom and step dad are coming up here in two weeks to visit family and friends. We will see them for dinner one night, and I am sure this issue will come up. I get so tongue tied trying to discuss these things with my mom because she denies that she and my sister are being unreasonable. And she will get undoubtedly get upset and say that I'm totally wrong and being completely selfish, and it will be a huge aggravation. My boyfriend and I have been discussing strategies for handling my mom (and sister) for the last couple of weeks, but I don't feel any closer to a solution. My mom is so good at guilting and manipulating. It feels hopeless. Any advice?
    0 points
  20. My ex emailed me to break up, saying he didn't want to have a girlfriend. He had already moved my replacement into his house. The two of them had been cheating together for a few months. I was doing all sorts of unhealthy behaviors after the breakup, so I finally decided to move several hundred miles away. It worked. I don't know that is the right solution for everyone but it was for me. We'd been together for 4 years. I thought I loved him. But I do not love him now. I want nothing to do with him. So time and distance worked.
    0 points
  21. Problem is I have no real support network. Not in person anyhow. I am all alone in our apartment. Full of things of us. With a lot of her clothes still here. I don’t have any friends or anyone here to help distract or take my mind off stuff. Plus there’s not much anyone can truly say.
    0 points
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