Jump to content

Leaderboard

Popular Content

Showing content with the highest reputation on 06/20/2021 in all areas

  1. Do you mean he ogles them, cranes his head over his neck to stare at them, or that you get jealous when he peers up at the waitress to give his order, or that you expect him to stare down at his shoes while you two walk together in case he spots someone more beautiful and takes off after her, yanking the leash out of your hand?
    4 points
  2. I tend to agree. Three months isn't very long. Meeting her family is a positive sign. Some people are much better in person. My boyfriend, for example, never ever tried online dating. He is a self-described "live act." Some women (myself included) prefer that the man does the 'chasing.' Bottom line is that there are many possible explanations for what you are experiencing. Don't rush to the assumption that you like her more than she likes you. That could be way off base.
    3 points
  3. Thank you, everybody, for these responses. I think that I've been lying to myself a bit about my own feelings, and about what is actually happening in my relationship with my mom and my sister. It's really helped to start putting things out here for others to review and share their impartial opinions on the matter. I said in my initial post that I've stopped hoping that my mom would grow out of her need for validation. But I realize that this is not true. There is still some part of me that wants her to acknowledge and correct what is happening. I also think that I've been ignoring the fact that the two of them literally don't respect me. Sure, they say that they do, and they would be deeply offended if I suggested that they don't. But to quote the old adage, "actions speak louder than words." Finally, I think it's pretty clear that I need to take a stand. I'm not looking forward to the anger, tears, recriminations, minimizing, and self loathing from my mom. But I've weathered all of these things many times before, and I know I can handle a little more blustering. That's actually the least of my worries. My biggest worry is the impact on my family. Not just my mom and my sister, but my aunts and my cousins. I don't want them getting involved. This is going to take some time to plan and execute. There are so many little footnotes that I could add to each of the sentences that I'm writing. I have to work through this situation thoroughly before I can be really effective. What I'm saying is, it's not going to happen by August lol.
    3 points
  4. He is not what you're looking for. If you're not comfortable with your interactions, stop doing it with him. I'm referring to sexting or inappropriate sexual comments so early on. Keep things very simple for yourself. Don't let boredom or the excuse of covid get the better of you or change what you're looking for in a partner. Those things don't change regardless of the world melting down. Good for you for putting yourself out there but stop when you need to stop and never be afraid to delete his number.
    3 points
  5. I get a really strong sense that you have this conflict between wanting to be the cool chick and wanting to remain true to your values. On line sites are just ways to meet someone in person ASAP to see if you should go on a date -nothing to navigate other than additional safety screening IMO which you would do also if you met a stranger at a party or bar. Please stay true to your values. A person who tells your right away he's not particularly focused on looking for a serious relationship wants you to know that so you can't claim later to have been lead to believe he was -especially if you have sex with him prior to being exclusive. I'm in my mid 50s. I always waited a long time before having sex with one exception (two months instead of the more typical 5 months plus) and that exception was a mistake. I regret it. I met many men through on line dating. I was not comfortable with "sexting" (well it was through messenger) unless we were an established committed couple. In fact I preferred to get to know the person in person and secondarily through phone calls, not typing. I agree with the STD testing requirement. Also be clear on how you both would deal with an accidental pregnancy and make sure you're on the same wavelength about that. I met over 100 men in person through dating sites. Most of them were really good people and respectful. A few were not, oh well. Good luck and hope you meet someone you match well with!
    3 points
  6. No, I get it. But if you are with a suitable partner, you will never feel that way. The guy will make sure you feel comfortable. If you feel pressure, overt or not, it's a bad sign. Something else you can do that worked for me when I was single: tell him he has to pass a full panel of std tests before you have sex with him.
    3 points
  7. You know, if he starts to make you feel like you are, it's just another red flag. A guy that's truly interested in a long term relationship with you will be happy to let you set the pace for sex.
    3 points
  8. The thing about cheaters is that they are extremely selfish. They may hide it but inside they are very selfish and often time do what they want without ever thinking about who they will hurt. You aren't the one that is broken or unlovable, he is. Cheaters cheat to fill a void, a void not because of anything you did or didn't do or provide. The void is within them and was there probably before you met. They cheat to try and make themselves feel better about who they are or how they see themselves. They are broken and use people to feel better about their life and who they are. Using others is what they do along with lying to themselves and anyone they need to so they can keep kidding themselves that what they are doing isn't wrong. Justifications, excuses or blame shifting are the usual tools they use. If you asked him straight out all the questions you wanted he would just lie to you. Not because he doesn't want to tell the truth but because he probably doesn't know the answers, not the real answers anyways. My now ex wife answered all my questions after I caught her and you know what? It didn't change anything. She was still a cheater and our 20 years together was over. Any words he speaks to you will not give you closure, you have to make that happen for yourself. Looking to a cheater for that is a fools errand. Focus on your daughter and your new life without that selfish jerk in it. Lost
    3 points
  9. I decided to cancel having the Bariatric surgery in September. I have given it much thought and it doesn’t sit right in my gut having surgery. I’m instead getting a personal trainer and going to loose weight naturally. I don’t think surgery is the answer. I found a woman trainer who is supposedly one of the best in my area. I have a consultation with her Tuesday June 29th.
    2 points
  10. I agree. Well done for leaving him! That was a strong, brave move on your part. I know it doesn't feel this way at the moment, but you have now made yourself available for a relationship with a decent, loyal man who isn't a sneaky little liar. This is an important thing to understand and remember. You should keep it around and look at it often to remind yourself:
    2 points
  11. Are you sure you like her more or is she of a mindset that the man should do all the chasing? I'm not sure how old you guys are but I find especially women of my generation (I'm in my 30's) have often been brought up to "play hard to get" and let the man always go after them. Some of my female friends even went so far as to play some kind of game and deliberately seem mysterious and unavailable. Like deliberately say things like: "I don't know when I'm free next, I'm so busy". Even though they were free as a bird lol I mean, the fact that she introduced you to her family is a good sign. I understand your frustration though if you're the only one always reaching out and contacting her. Maybe at the start of dating this was somewhat acceptable but now she should be making equal effort. Have you told her how you feel about her and asked if she feels the same? Because if she doesn't feel the same there's probably no point continuing to date.
    2 points
  12. Op, You know the amount someone messages you can be tricky because it’s not always adequate to their feelings. Just because she messages you less doesn’t mean she likes you less. If you feel though you are putting in more effort and it is one sided. I would advise you re thinking the relationship. Honestly it’s not healthy to have an uneven balance in feelings. You need someone who feels as much as you do.
    2 points
  13. My friends and I went to parties and clubs when we were in our 20s-30s in the 1980s/90s and would like the same guy - not just about online dating sites. When we were contacted by the same guys on dating sites it was a plus because we could compare notes.
    2 points
  14. Yes. You're human, and your thoughts and feelings are normal. When someone betrays you, it's a reflection of their character, not yours. One day at a time, yet when all is said and done you'll still land on your feet.
    2 points
  15. What a load of ridiculous and unnecessary drama over a young child’s mix up! I’m pretty sure it could have been dealt with better by all of you. Y’all need to get a grip!
    2 points
  16. Have you ever had a boss or bf or anyone in your life where they always expected you to come to them? It is a way of saying "I am more important than you are, thus you come to me" This is no different. It is also a way to keep the playing field in their favor. You coming to them is home field advantage, the place where they are most strong and invulnerable. Say some kind of drama unfolds and you get upset who has to leave and drive 2 hours you are them? It is all about winning even when there is no game called for that day. Each time they do these subtle things they are putting you down back into your place as they see it. If you are insecure how best to stay feeling good about yourself even in the company of Jibralta? You beat her down and gang up on her so you can feel good about yourself once again. I think they are threatened by you, you and all your goodness ruins their imagined self. We see it all the time in the news. A small person trying to look big by calling names, putting others down and getting their gang to join in to make it legitimate. Don't let them... See past the petty crap and see the origin of their actions. Remember the old saying: "It's mind over matter, I don't mind because you don't matter" When you are visiting and IF things get tense just cut the visit short. Just because they are comfortable being jerks to you doesn't mean you have to sit and take it. If they ask why you are leaving simply state "We came here for a nice visit, unfortunately it doesn't feel very nice to me so we are leaving" Let them call you a baby or to sensitive or what ever, just give them a hug and tell them you love them and walk out the door. No more words, just silence and let them sit there and convince each other they didn't do anything wrong. In the silence of the night they will not be able to stop thinking about it and they won't have their partner there to lie to them. Perhaps the next time they will try extra hard not to be selfish jerks when you visit. Family, what ya going to do??? Lost
    2 points
  17. How did you happen to come across this on Whatsapp? At this point you don't know her. This sounds like a scammer or catfish. For all you know these are fake pics and a fake story. It could be a fat hairy 50 year old dude. This entity is probably looking to scam you so shut it down now. Many scammers have stories exactly like this one's. Immediately block and delete it.
    2 points
  18. Okay, you know my mom and I adore each other a lot But a few years back when I was in therapy I learned to cut the co dependant bond with her and actually understand in a way she was also responsible for the abuse my sibling and I suffered. When I was doing therapy my mom told me, “ never let anyone make you believe that I was responsible for that mess and that I don’t love you.” Why??? Guilt and fear . When my therapist told me that she had indeed put us in danger and threw us under the bus I was offended. I came to understand though it was in a way true. Now, my mom loves to be right not to the pathological level maybe that your mom does, but she does. So I knew I had to face her down face-to-face and tell her, yes, you were responsible as the only sane person in that situation so it does make you responsible for our abuse. Let’s just say she didn’t take it well. There was anger and tears and recriminations and minimizing and then self loathing from her . Then she got her self together and today we have a great relationship. I had to face her down though and hold my ground despite the background noise and wailing. My therapist said that would happen because people don’t like to change and people don’t like to accept responsibility especially if it is something like child abuse. Anyway ,my long drawn out point is; you have to stand your ground despite the crying ,the wailing, the b*tching whatever they’re going to do. that’s the only way to get any respect and peace. You may never have a peaceful relationship with them or even a good one and they may be your jerks 😂😉but they can come to respect you.
    2 points
  19. No. You are a distraction. From her probably not so loving husband, 3 kids that she probably kills herself working around etc. You dont need that, it will only create a problems in the long run. Find somebody available and pursue relationship with them.
    2 points
  20. No, you are not "right". You have an online flirtation with a married woman. What do you think her husband would think? What about her kids? Do you think they would be proud of the way their mother is behaving? What if it was YOUR mother who was having an online affair? Or your future wife? Why do you aspire to have an affair? What's wrong with having a relationship of your own with a woman who is actually available? BTW, she is not "caring". If she was a caring person she wouldn't be communicating inappropriately with other men while her husband is away.
    2 points
  21. Your mom and sister are insecure. They may not act like it or admit it but they are as well as you stated codependent like two drug addicts sticking together so everything they do no matter how horrible or dangerous is normal. There is no fixing this so don't even try and learn to accept this is who they are. They have shown you who they are for years so just take them at their word so to speak and adjust your interactions accordingly. This is the crux of your problem as I see it. You are operating under the assumption that they are reasonable and empathetic under it all when they are not. What you need to do is accept that they are both selfish and narcissistic people and then tailor you responses or actions accordingly. You are making an effort which they know you will continue to do so you are basically playing right into their hands. If you don't, you get guilt tripped and interrogated which is another way of punishing you for not going along with their way or the highway attitude. What to do in this instance? Of course telling them to go pound sand is one option but it sounds like you are not there yet. I like that you didn't cave and counter offered to come down and visit and then leave after the visit. I would go one further by making plans while you are there to go see a nearby attraction or museum or whatever and invite your sister and her family. If they go great but if they don't then that is great too but you took the high road and offered. This does a couple of things. It shows them you are in control not them and it also shows your sister that she is only part of the reason you made the 2 hr trip down. It takes her importance away in a sense. We were coming this way anyways kind of thing. You will never change them or be okay with the way they are but you can mitigate your exposure and make life easier for yourself. If they say or do something you do not appreciate then go silent on them, don't tell them what they did wrong or try to show them they are wrong just go silent. It isn't your job to teach them right from wrong so stop trying. Just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to play by their rules when visiting. Be flexible but not a doormat and offer alternatives when they suggest something you do not want to do. In the end not giving in will give you control back and it might even show moms that if she digs her heels in and won't bend a little she simply will not see you on that trip. Don't fear upsetting her, you are a grown up now too. Lost
    2 points
  22. Keeping someone from doing what they love to do or want to pursue is a recipe for disaster so that's good that you're recognizing your fears and looking for ways to think about things differently. Ask him about his classes and what he thinks his interests are in. Similar to photography, not everyone does portraits. There are landscape and wild life photographers. I think your nervousness may be coming from lack of more info or not understanding what he's interested in. If it's a first year class perhaps this course is mandatory but not actually what he's interested in in the first place. Talk with him more about his interest in the arts. It's more about learning about each other along the way.
    2 points
  23. Thank you for your input! Yeah, if that were to happen, my confidence and ego would hit rock bottom. I am just trying to be more open and give people a chance, as I have been very closed off. Even if it's simply to gain dating experience. I will see how things go after this week and make my decision then. Thanks to COVID, I have nothing better to do. And I have a multitude of sex toys I've been using for years, so I'm pretty much covered in that department. I guess I am just seeking human warmth, connection, intimacy and the after sex/orgasm cuddles and aftercare.
    2 points
  24. So you expect her to make you feel all sparkly, yet you won't do anything to try to improve the relationship? Why is it all on her?
    2 points
  25. Thank you allx I have back to back appointments with my doctor and therapist tomorrow! I am happy to say I got 6 or so pounds back! I think talking about it and admitting the issue really helped me to be able to fix it. I've got all kinds of smack packs with cheese, Apples and nuts. Even little ramen cups(yes nutrition is lacking but they also arent filling so when I ate a whole one I tricked myself into larger meals) . I started focusing over meal what hump I had to get over. Breakfast is hard over all, so I go with yogurt and small fruit, what a difference already. Lunch I just fake it like I never had the issue and I manage almost an entire former meal. Dinner too, but I sometimes have to split that in half. Thanks for the advice guys I'm on my way to being back to normal
    2 points
  26. Don't be so sure. Some people capitalize on being ambiguous. They have a knack for making you feel like you got a good answer when they've given you a noncommittal answer. For example: This is pretty much dangling a carrot in front of you. It will probably stay out of reach. You will definitely get sex from this guy, but probably not a relationship.
    2 points
  27. I think a guy that starts sexting this early on isn't typically relationship material.
    2 points
  28. ^Yes... I saw a lot of articles that said fireflies/lightning bugs are disappearing and that it shows the decline of the health of the ecosystem in those areas. Everything said their appearance is what scientists use to judge if it's healthy or not. Our garden is really healthy I think... I don't use pesticides so the food is organic, and we're producing LOTS of veggies every week that we're able to use in our meals. We've eaten two spaghetti squashes also and have 4 more maturing... lots of cucumbers, peppers and tons of tomatoes.... It all just seems really healthy, and I keep it well watered so that I think it has a more humid atmosphere (a little) than behind our property. Anyway... last night I saw they were very low to the ground at times in our squash patches, underneath the arches we've created. I think they're laying eggs there, which is good because they feed of the bad bugs/snails/slugs that bother squash.
    2 points
  29. Sure, lots of people would like to keep the friendship of the person they dumped. It allows them the comforts of their ex while they move on to find their next lover. Then they dump the ex AGAIN. It makes no sense for the one who is still in love to settle for playing 'friendzies" with the one who dumped them. There's nothing in that for you but heartache and an inability to move forward from the distraction of trying to convert the ex back into a lover. Skip that. Block her, and if she contacts you, tell her that you have no interest in hearing from her unless she wants to reconcile. This leaves your door open so you can move forward with the confidence that if ex ever changes her mind, you'll know. Once you can move on, the ex becomes less and less relevant.
    2 points
  30. ^ Trust your gut instinct. You really do not know him at all. He's a stranger. Two weeks is nothing. It is not wise, nor safe to go to him (imo). If you were my daughter I would do everything in my power to keep you home. If he wants to meet you then let him come to you - whenever he can. Do not go to him. May I ask, how old are you?
    2 points
  31. You've romantized this entire thing. In love since 9th grade? Let's be less flowery about it... it was two months out of 4 years of high school together. Which is nothing really. And your entire adult life for 30 years, apart. I think you just have to be honest you don't know each other, you built a fantasy out of a long time of being acquaintances. End it. clean break. the sooner the better. There's nothing wrong with you. You let your imagination get away. Which when it comes to love is easy to do. Don't beat yourself up, but do the right thing.
    2 points
  32. I see. In a nutshell: It's not ok to approach a love-interest as you would approach a line of bottles on a wall and "shoot your shot with each of them if the other rejects you." Obviously, you think this is ok. But take my word, other people will laugh at you behind your back. That behavior is for third graders. Really. Your need to "shoot your shot" so urgently and indiscriminately will, in fact, make you look desperate to your coworkers. And believe me, your coworkers will find out about it pretty quickly. Your approach is abnormal and will probably be considered inappropriate. People will talk. Working in the same building as these girls does not improve your chance at getting a date with any of them. They have to want to see you outside of work for you to be able to date them at all. You're better off taking the time to get to know them as people. That way, there's a chance they'll want to see you outside of work. Isolating women from other men does not improve your chances of success with them.
    2 points
  33. Wow.....you are really blowing this out of all proportions and creating major drama. This has nothing to do with breaking trust at all. Had she told you to keep it between you only or not tell anyone, then yes, you'd have broken her trust when you talked. She didn't. You didn't break anything. The only apology here is, "I'm sorry I had no idea I wasn't to talk about it." Also, ask her what about this upset her so you don't do it again. Seek to understand and let her explain. Listen carefully and don't talk back or get defensive or apologetic, aka don't create drama. After that, let her be to get over it as she will.
    2 points
  34. I think this is a good plan. I know the surgery works wonders for some people, but the ones I know who had it have ongoing issues. For example, the surgery makes it so you can't fit as much into your stomach but it doesn't do anything about changing your eating habits. One woman I know who had the surgery still eats nothing but garbage. Oh, and since she didn't lose the weight by exercising the rest of her body is still very overweight. Her thighs and bottom are big, way out of proportion to her small waist (due to the surgery) and her arms are also still very large. And I understand she will have to have another surgery to remove loose skin. I agree with you that a lifetime of healthy habits is a great alternative to surgery. Again, I know the surgery works wonders for some people so I am not slamming having the surgery! Best of luck to you! I feel you will succeed.
    1 point
  35. I should have added "on paper" 🤣 I 100% don't believe everything someone tells me, hence I am being this cautious.
    1 point
  36. I will second what other posters have written. The man you're married to is the insecure, they are too scared to confront the fact their needs aren't being met. Maybe attention, sex, support. So they go off and look for women who are open to them and accepting. When they should be talking to their wives! What he is doing is very disloyal. You are supposed not be his primary relationship. I had married men trying to start up friendships and always wondered why when they have a wife at home. It could be many reasons obviously. Boredom, distraction from conflicts they don't want to confront or sexual variety. One or all of them. Certain personality types (avoidant) and those who grew up in disfunctional homes are those who commonly seek other women when already married. Unfortunately they see nothing wrong with it until the guilt sets in. Even then, they still believe they are entitled. Poor me attitude are their ego defenses. You can't change him. If he's willing to go into therapy, there might be some hope. You've done the right thing. It's all about HIM. Please avoid getting down on yourself!
    1 point
  37. Oh I get it . I am persona non grata with my dad’s family. But if everything you do is wrong is there really a point anyway? Life is too short to torture yourself.
    1 point
  38. Hello Wiseman! I see your input everywhere and one of your previous comments actually helped me get over being ghosted last year! So thanks for that first 🙂 A month is definitely not long enough to be in a committed relationship. I couldn't find a better term. I think maybe "exclusivity" and general "being on the same page" would apply better here. I will definitely wait and continue to do so and I have informed him of this and my going slow on the first date we had.
    1 point
  39. Yeah, he said that to me when we started talking. I've not asked him properly again since. I am definitely happy to let him know again now but I think it's better to have the discussion in person, rather than via text. I think I'll be able to gauge his reactions better then too. Thank you for your input!
    1 point
  40. I just saw your edit. This will also be part of the discussion I will have with him when I see him again because I am STI paranoid and not here to catch them all!
    1 point
  41. I totally get that, toys do not replace the man in any way, they're just like the bread stick before the meal. You're on the right path, he, the right he, just has to cross it!
    1 point
  42. Why dont you form a relationship then before sexting and stuff like that? Explain that you need time for that step, go out for a while, and when you feel comfortable then do it. In that time while he waits you will see if he is commited or just wants something casual. I mean, you are both pretty young, hormones are probably off the charts and all. But if you dont want anything before commiting to somebody, then make a serious relationship first with somebody who is willing to wait for you to be comfortable to do the thing.
    1 point
  43. Save your own sanity. block her, delete her, ignore her. Her behavior is selfish and you don't owe her anything. Just do it and don't look back.
    1 point
  44. I don't agree with the family is family sentiments... but! I do think since it's on your mind, you should call. Or I hope you did. My thoughts... whether family, friend, work, neighbor, or whoever... if it takes more of your time, effort and peace to do nothing, then just call him. After you call, you can let it go. If you don't call you'll still be thinking about it into next week. It's the indecision that makes us mental. Make a choice and let it be.
    1 point
  45. @That36guy here's the deal. You and your pals co-host this party and invite roughly and equal number of girls to the party. You make sure it's a party girls would enjoy and that facilitates interaction and conversation. Not just horny dudes drinking beer out of bottles staring at the girls. At the party itself all of you agree you're not going to creep out the girls by hitting on them. It's that simple. If you need help/tips ask your female family members about what girls like at a party. Hint: it's not dudes on game consoles drooling at girls.
    1 point
  46. I would just back off of the online stuff, and I'd find a more constructive focus for my time. I'd kindly tell the guy who bugs you that this isn't going to work out. Then if the other guy is local and a decent friend, I'd hang out with him on occasion, but I wouldn't try to shoot for more with him. I'd let him use his own discretion about whether he wants to date you at any, point. If not, for my own head I'd just chalk him off as loyal to the other guy.
    1 point
  47. That's my thoughts exactly. If it was purely coincidence that they met and she wasn't aware that you knew him too then neither one of them did anything wrong (imo). It's not like they planned to stab you in the back. Wish them well and move on. No point in wasting time and energy on angry and bitter feeling and being resentful. All that does is hold you back and make you miserable, and what for? No-one did anything wrong.
    1 point
  48. If my SO was saying things like that, First I would go throw up, and realize I have been sleeping with and emotionally invested in a sexual deviant, then pack my stuff up, jump in my truck, and drive into the sunset.
    1 point
  49. That could happen if you don't invite them and they go out somewhere else right? Make sure the guys you ask from work aren't as attractive as you are so you will look good compared to them. Either one of these women are interested in you are not and having other guys around can actually help you. They may act like drunken fools while you will be cool, funny and interesting. Make sure you dress and smell nice for the party. Also ask them questions about themselves and LISTEN then ask follow up questions. Nothing super personal just get to know you type questions. Lost
    1 point
  50. What are the arguments about? Life isn't a bed of roses, OP. You know that. You're mentioning spark like you're both teenagers. Sparks don't fly every second of a long term relationship. It can be hard work and a lot of dedication and commitment while caring for each other even on days you don't feel like it. If you both already broke up and she's leaving then don't muddle things up or make it worse second guessing yourself. Stay focused on ways to improve your part. How's the job search going?
    1 point
This leaderboard is set to New York/GMT-04:00
×
×
  • Create New...