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Showing content with the highest reputation on 02/11/2021 in all areas

  1. Tinydance As you may remember I grew up with alcoholic parents. One admitted they had a problem and openly said they were an alcoholic and the other thought everyone else had the problem and she had it under control. Those last 4 words are the downfall of almost all alcoholics whether they are trying to stay clean or they are a functioning alcoholic. Once they think they have it under control they are doomed. It sounds like you have been able to stop drinking for periods of time which means you can stop. Your problem is that you say you are an alcoholic but you fail to reali
    5 points
  2. My sense is, if you are bold enough to put that writing (casual) that's pretty much putting a stamp on it. He gave just enough double talk after the fact to keep you hooked. He's no dummy. I'll give him that. He sensed if he was transparent with you, you would have walked. But it doesn't translate into him wanting a relationship. Anything other than yes, is a no.
    4 points
  3. The bigger question is why have you been financially supporting her for 8 years? It sounds like an unequal dynamic that is more like parent and child, rather than equals. I mean, you can't expect someone who doesn't pay for her true costs of life to have a balanced view of spending. I laughed that she'd say she'd get a job to buy the coins. As though that money shouldn't go to costs of living, like money she makes would be play money for her. She's spoiled and throwing a tantrum. But you enabled it to get like this.
    4 points
  4. In a weird way, getting a job is a lot like dating. You meet someone, they look interesting, you're both on your best behavior. You get to know each other, find out what you have in common... Or at least you think you're finding out what you have in common.... Then, a couple months down the road, you find out that things aren't quite the way they were represented to be. How can you ever tell ahead of time that it's not going to be a good fit? You really can't. People are good a putting on an act to get what they want. Many (perhaps most) times, they even believe thei
    3 points
  5. She's told him several times to date someone else. I don't see how it could be concluded she's interested at all in reconciliation. I fear if he tried this tactic it would exacerbate his suicidal ideation. OP, I recommend you do NOT do this.
    3 points
  6. I agree, please see your physician and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. Also, please confide in a trusted friend or family member. Your suicidal ideation is very concerning. You might also consider asking her to stop contacting you. Her contact is a trigger.
    3 points
  7. Oh! He contacted me again, I didn't expect this, lol. And to my surprise - extremely positive. Yes, it was overkill but he wrote a humourous, funny, polite and understanding text to me. And something like "Wait and I'll show you that I'm not some psycho-murderer :)" I'm so relieved but of course I will not forget what I learned from you here! Thank you all😃 Level up.
    3 points
  8. Sometimes the thing you argue about is not the thing you're arguing about. To simply state no. it's an insane purchase. Sounds rather like a parent than a partner. You say that you supported her for 8 years. Is she not supporting you? I assume your house is clean, your food is bought and cooked, your clothes are clean, your child is cared for, your errands are run, etc... . All making it possible for you make your living. How much would it cost you to do these things, in either time or money? Until you show that you value her contributions to your lifestyle as much as you val
    3 points
  9. Any decent guy, especially during these times, should understand why a woman they barely know might feel uncomfortable about going back to their house. If he can't put himself in your shoes or have the balls to let you know what his problem is, then forget about him.
    3 points
  10. There is no reason why you could not have met elsewhere. You made the right decision. In the future, don't go into so much detail. Follow the other posters advice.
    2 points
  11. Those things are major. Don't let your frustration of dating failures over the years have you settling. I believe that happened to me and I ended up with the workaholic for a year. When I got time and distance away from that bad situation, I saw that my self-worth at the time was lower than I realized. After that breakup, I met my future husband 9 months later and he had all the time in the world for me, and I finally had a partner I could actually regularly enjoy life with. Having chemistry and having fun are only two parts of the puzzle. When other major pieces are missing, the picture is to
    2 points
  12. I have been your wife and I might have an idea what's going on. I am divorced, by the way. In marriage counseling there is a term " the one that holds the money holds the power" You shared with us how you've supported her for all this time and though she needs to run things past you, but yet you are held by a different standard. The message, whether direct or implied is basically, the money is yours and she should be grateful for all you do. It's a mixed bag because being able to afford to stay at home with child is great. But I am going to bet that this isn't about the coins
    2 points
  13. Treat her with courtesy like you would with any other co-worker, but don't invest any more than that. Like I said before, being friends with someone you wanted romantically isn't good for you to be open to developing bonds with another woman. If she asks why you can't be friends, explain that to her. If the relationship isn't happening in the present, don't hold out for success in the future. That's too high of a risk to put yourself on ice for something that's far from a sure thing at a later date. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is worth waiting around for for years. She's not the only nice
    2 points
  14. I second the comments about taking this to your doctor and speak with a psychiatrist. This was a break up for a relationship that lasted less than two years. Seek help if you have any dependency on drugs or pills. You don't have to do it alone. It's not a good idea speaking to this person anymore. Break ups are hard any which way you want to look at it and most people don't have the guts to break it off cleanly for the sake of both involved. End the communication with her and ask for respect and privacy while you put your life back together and receive the help or treatment you need.
    2 points
  15. Please do not do this. The distance has not changed and it is over. Please seek out therapy. You also need to block her so that you can move on.
    2 points
  16. I don't drink and I enjoyed going to pubs and eating great pub food and having an iced tea or a ginger ale and none of it was boring. I had fun. You want to keep getting drunk, even at the expense of possibly losing your family. And that means yes, you are an alcoholic. And if you don't get some kind of treatment you will get to the point of getting drunk daily again. I am allergic to nuts and to chocolate. I've had to turn down lots of yummy looking desserts. But if I want to live I can't indulge. Now, these things are not addicting but the premise is the same; if I want to li
    2 points
  17. just an observation.... Tinder is for hook ups. Match or the others are for those not looking to hook up, but to find a relationship. (granted either could be on either site. it's not a rule) So you maybe barking up the wrong tree and have better quality matches on a different site.
    2 points
  18. I think men do this for the same reason that women do it: they are multi-dating and not in a rush to settle down with any one person. When you see this happening, it's time to move on. Despite what they may say on their dating profile, despite how fun the dates were, a committed, long term relationship is not their priority.
    2 points
  19. When I was 28 I was about to move out on my own for the first time after grad school. I was on top of the world -I am woman hear me roar. I met a guy through a personal ad in the early 1990s. So handsome, successful, Ivy league educated, only a few years older than me. We met for a picnic the first time. I ignored red flags. He was all over me in public. But you know I was going to be this single free wheeling independent gal. So the second time we met he invited me back to his place. I did tell him "no sex". And you know -clean cut/educated/successful. Lovely neighborhood and a
    2 points
  20. I agree she is supporting YOUR career as well. She is not a child. She is a partner.
    2 points
  21. I hope you realize that it's not necessarily you. Not saying you're perfect, but it is very common for people to blame other people for the problems they are having. Then they align everything in their perception to reinforce that belief. When that happens, that's pretty much it for you. And it sucks. You have to remind yourself that every problem is fixable. Some people don't want to fix problems because it means they have to acknowledge their own failings. And they don't want to do that. I know it's crazy-making, but sometimes you just have to walk away and let them have their fantasy.
    2 points
  22. Agree. Keep the past in the past. If someone is getting involved/serious, then you can disclose that. Make sure you have cut ties with ALL people from those days. Start fresh. I strenuously diagree with the poster who made the "past behavior predicts..." remark. Some people like regurgitating what tv psychiatrists peddle. You have one life. Live it how you see fit and look to the future .
    2 points
  23. Unfortunately it seems like you are not ready to date. "Could be a murderer"? Seriously? How insulting. Don't give guys the "I'm not that type of girl" rant when they haven't even touched you! If you do an in home date because of whether, Covid,etc. You drive yourself, you stay sober and you leave at a reasonable hour or if you don't like how it's going. Not surprising he deleted your number. Next time be polite and knock off the nasty accusations and lecturing about your inner problems. A date is a yes or no situation. Not an opportunity to go off on someone. With re
    2 points
  24. Sorry. . .I don't usually debate opposing views.. . and he may very well be a lech. But three dates during a pandemic and a guy invites me over, I don't make that leap to possibly being raped. I am pretty capable of handling myself. . along with being conservative and moving slowly, depending on the vibe I got from him, I might have gone to his house. I only say this because this poster appears to go about dating with the *please don't hurt me* sign around her. Suggesting she was going to raped might not be helpful. She might be better served working on her self esteme some.
    2 points
  25. You have to get yourself to understand this is how she is. And the relationship won't change. You could try dumping her until she agrees to change. When she doesn't you have to dump her and never take her back. I dated a hot head... it just got worse over time. Until one day I was just done. It was like every time I put up with his crap, I loved him a little less. Until it was gone. Edited to add: to this day I know he would want me back. but not only do I have zero respect for him. it's laughable to me that we would ever even be in the same room again. let alone a couple...
    2 points
  26. Online dating I used to get young men email me. Just out of curiosity I struck up a conversation with one and asked him what exactly the attraction was, after all I have sons that were older than he was. He said "he wanted to do me a favor' It gave me a good laugh. I figured as much. Not sure why I even asked, but his answer was hilarious. I don't think he appreciated that I thought it was that funny. Apparently he was serious 😂
    2 points
  27. For what it's worth, I'll be the odd one out and say that I don't necessarily believe that he was only after sex. I think it was the "heavy conversation" which put him off. But who knows, maybe he will contact you again.
    2 points
  28. The Guy is a Jerk, He only wanted SEX, if he really wanted to get to know you better he would not ignore you.
    2 points
  29. He's ignoring you because you basically declined an invitation to have sex with him. Covid is no reason to go to someone's home before you are comfortable. When I was ready to be alone with a man either at his place or mine it was wayyyy before I was ready for sex so I would say (not text -say) "I really look forward to seeing you on Thursday and I'm not ready to have sex yet". That way there were no awkward conversations on the day of the date. Almost always worked out fine - typically this was the 4th or 5th date. I think you made too many excuses for why you weren't ready - that might h
    2 points
  30. I am so sorry. You are dealing with so much.
    1 point
  31. I remember early on when dating, we always met at restaurants, out for coffee, public place of activity, took walks at a park which wasn't deserted, library, basketball game, school concert, musical theater, etc. I never placed myself in isolated areas with a man whom I barely knew or didn't get to know well yet. It's common sense. Or, we met in groups socially. It was NEVER 1:1 in private at my or his house. NEVER. I've always felt safe because of it.
    1 point
  32. You're not stupid at all -- you have some good boundaries, but you just need to learn to exercise them a bit more confidently AND to be able to accept that a guy may want something different than what you want and be able to just let it go if that's the case. There's no need for a whole bunch of explanation -- just keep it short and sweet: Let the guy know that you're interested and want to get to know him better, but that you aren't going to meet at his home (or yours) right away, and if that's OK with him, then great, you can plan a date, and if it's not OK, then no hard feelings, and you
    1 point
  33. I hope things start looking up, Lisa. We're here for you.
    1 point
  34. With the advent of apps and messaging I think this is just a byproduct of 21st century living. People over-use texts and it's a lazy person's way of checking in with minimal effort or thought. I do text minimally with old, old friends but it's usually either video call or phone call. I can usually suss out within one or two days what type of person a person is. I reply to texts with a call the next day. I rarely respond with a text. After a couple of times most people start to get the drift that I don't text back as quickly or respond to text messages and the faders will fade. And I will
    1 point
  35. I'm not challenging your experience. But a lot people looking to just hook up, don't come right out and say it. They may meet up with you and of course they're charming and connecting with you, but when the physical aspects don't materialize, you get back burnered. Meaning they will reach out, keep you as an option but they are looking for something else. If they don't find it, they'll hit you up again.
    1 point
  36. oh shoot. . lol wish i read this first 🙂 Good for you. Glad you two were able to make light of the situation. Carry on!
    1 point
  37. Sorry this happened. It sounds like his increase in drugs, alcohol etc. led to the breakup. You dodged a bullet. He would rather drink do drugs and hang out with those type of people. Unfortunately you became a mother-like figure and enabler and that further kills respect and romance. Overall be glad he found someone else to put up with his debauchery, drugs, drinking and treat like a servant running his errands, doing his homework, etc. Get your life together. Focus on your work, school, friends, family as a well as physical and mental health. Check the link below for so
    1 point
  38. Excellent. Next time you want golf clubs or something she thinks "is insane", ask her permission first. What is she makes a fortune on these coins? Would that be your money?
    1 point
  39. The problem is that you are unable to moderate your alcohol consumption, not that you hate moderation. I'm willing to bet that there are plenty of other activities that you enjoy doing, and that you don't compulsively, addictively engage in these other activities. You don't have any problem with moderation, as long as you don't have to moderate your use of alcohol. There is a lot on the line here. You aren't a single woman who will deteriorate and die alone and be forgotten. You have a husband and a child who will watch it happen. It could take 20 - 30 years for you to fully kill you
    1 point
  40. That's right. Axe murders like this usually chain thier victims down before hacking them to death. In fact they probably would prefer all the neighbors to notice. After all where would Hitchcock be without such great thinking?
    1 point
  41. Well you don't have a problem attracting men but you do have a problem attracting the right type of men. How many messages do you receive a day online? Are these men you decide to reply to flashy smooth talkers? Are their profiles shallow or genuine? I agree your picker is broken. If a guy is serious and really wants a relationship he will make the effort. If he has several other women on the hook he will do what these men have been doing to you. Keep you on the line while they test drive other women. It takes zero effort to text so cut that out as much as possible. Once you g
    1 point
  42. I hate to say it but it is likely he is just after sex and if that is what your after then fine but i doubt you would be writing on here if that was the case. His parents will despise you but his mates will find it hilarious. I think you need to work on your self esteem as surely you deserve better than to be used as a notch on the bed post?
    1 point
  43. Here you are throwing your insecurities at him. It's a turnoff. How come you didn't say "I'm planning my week and I'd like to see you. How about dinner on Thursday at Good Reviews Restaurant?" Instead of implying you expect him to do all the date planning and asking. I think you have a few things to fine tune but otherwise it's just dating in the modern era. Like others have said, if it were that easy to find a good relationship it wouldn't really be worth much, would it?
    1 point
  44. This 18 year old actually is not yet a "man". He's still a teenager. Some 18 year olds are still in high school. For me this makes for creep factor but maybe I'm just behind the times.
    1 point
  45. There is magic in this world, it's called nature 🙂 Birkenhead (the town on the other side of the river) during sunset!
    1 point
  46. I don't know. I just get a bad vibe with the detailed list of slights, and lies and the reconnaissance mission it would have taken to get all that information to document for us. In my personal experience, people who dig for things to this degree are looking for something to justify their insecurities. When you go as far as to diagnose and label her, yet still remain in the game for entertainment, you once again put the spot light back on yourself (at least to me) You have heard the analogy "we are as healthy as the company we keep" right? If she is such a bad person, wh
    1 point
  47. HeartBrokenChick, Leave that man alone. He will never be able to get over your past and you will be doing nothing but wasting time on him when you could be happy and in a relationship with a man who loves you for you and doesn't give a damn about your past. That's why it's called a past, because everyone has one. Don't be embarrased about anything you had to do if it made you the person you are today. Be happy with yourself and understand that what you did doesn't define who you are. Also, be upfront and honest about your past, it's better they hear it from you than find out on their own
    1 point
  48. Girl... I’m sorry but ***? Run. Far far away and don’t look back. Your heart will mend even though it hurts right now... let me explain why you should never fight for a man like this. Did anyone else notice that he said “keep trying to show me you love me” but why? What for? He flat out said you being a prostitute (umm 7 years ago) will always be in his head. That is straight manipulation. So he wants to steal energy from you while saying that he will never be okay with your past. And now that he knows your past... he will use your insecurities to his advantage. And let’s p
    1 point
  49. If you're a heterosexual male you're going to check out women from time to time. Nothing wrong with it, you just need to be discreet. Worst thing you can do is respond the way you did, which was to deny it out of fear of her response. Next time it happens say "of course I checked out her butt, I'm a guy, it's what we do". Or words to that effect. Anything's better than a weak lie.
    1 point
  50. When you adopt a child that child becomes your child. If you want to be a mom with your husband that is really your only choice .
    1 point
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