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Showing content with the highest reputation on 01/31/2021 in all areas

  1. Awww, I understand. I think therapy is a great idea. If not now, then when is a better time to address loneliness and isolation? Consider that when people judge complaining, they are defending against getting sucked down into a place where they don't want to go. They're fighting their own struggles, and they don't welcome sabotage. (I gather that you can respect that.) So glad you're walking, and you're being safe about it. It might be helpful when talking with others to voice your complaints in a tricky but beneficial way--frame them as things you envision doing again someday.
    3 points
  2. I completely agree 100% Waffle! If a guy said that to me it would be enough of a big red flag for me to end the relationship. OP she doesn’t need to conform to your needs if she isn’t in the mood. I’m like Kate in the instance if I’m not in the mood when I was having sex years ago. The sex hurt really bad! I actually caved with my long term ex of 11 years all the time because I wanted to make him happy. I became resentful. Sex is a choice you both need to be on board with 100% at all times. If Kate isn’t feeling it, find something else you both enjoy. I also
    3 points
  3. You have to call out stuff as it happens... here are some examples. Listen gf, I'm happy to help you in an emergency but don't text me urgent, when its not. especially if I'm at work. Gosh, I just listened to you for 20 minutes. Don't you want to hear about my day? Sometimes I'm busy just with myself and my life. I'm sorry you expect calls right back, but that's not working for me. You have to push back. If she is not being cool on the phone or whatever, tell her you have to go. Stop being so available... its hard but you have to do it. Even when she's being co
    3 points
  4. Interesting, because I would've answered that question (am I being selfish and obtuse?) with "yes." No one is entitled to sex, and no one owes another person sex. I don't think this is a difficult concept. When someone starts being all "why can't you just shut up and put your feelings aside and put out anyway?" that's getting into some very dangerous territory right there.
    3 points
  5. So simply weigh the pros and cons. The pros would be that you get to interact with a stranger (he is for all practical purposes) on line and feel physically and sexually attracted and flattered/stroked ego. The cons would be that of course before doing that you have to end things with your partner. If you had the perfect boyfriend -meaning perfect for you -you wouldn't desire to comparison shop or play with fire. So decide whether meeting him is worth losing your relationship because since you have the perfect boyfriend you're not going to treat him like a piece of poop by going behi
    2 points
  6. Turn your phone down... msg her saying 'I'm busy', leave it at that.. No one is always 'available'.. SHE has to accept this. And no, don't always respond.. ( she should get the hint soon enough). It's all ridiculous to act out the way she is! Even close friends don't need to talk for hours.. several times a week. Or, YOU just explain it to her- plain out. " I am not always available,, I have things that need to be done... we can maybe talk on occasion, but not like it has been." Since it sounds like she is getting under your skin.. then speak up.
    2 points
  7. I'd raise my bar on friendship. When you strip everything else down, the only thing any of us can offer to another is our word. If you can't trust that about a person, what's left?
    2 points
  8. Whether an ex lover or not, I'd consider ANYbody who'd make out in front of me to be rude and ...unfriendly. So there's your new mindset: he's not a friend. And why you'd sit there with them doing that is beyond me. I'd have said, "Okay, it's clear that you two can't wait for some privacy. I'll leave you to it. Nice to meet you, Whutsurname, and goodnight." ...as I retired to my room. So he's not a friend, he's gross, and he's a baby. That's how I'd sum him up for myself, and I'd avoid any definition of 'bonding' with him any further. Keep it civil, but ask if he wouldn't mind
    2 points
  9. Here is my perspective, as a woman who seems to be a lot like Kate in that regard: To start with your main concern - "Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together?" No, you are not being selfish or obtuse, this is h
    2 points
  10. It seems you thought you were moving in together as a couple and he assumed it was just economic convenience. Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Talk to and date men you don't work with and who are in your age group. Set some roommate/household guidelines about shared expenses. Household chores, errands,etc. Also set some guidelines about entertaining guests in common areas as well as guidelines about overnight guests. You can't stop a roommate from having GFs, but you can come up with some guidelines. It was never agreed that you wo
    2 points
  11. You are really over-thinking this and getting in your own head too much, considering you've never even met the man. You have no clue whether you'd gel in person, whether there would be chemistry...or even if he would like you. All those concerns about compatibility usually go both ways, OP. Imagine you were to continue fretting, then you meet up, and he decides you're not really his cup of tea. I don't mean to say that you don't bring a lot to the table or that something is wrong with you. But keep in mind you don't hold all the cards about whether or not this would move forward, e
    2 points
  12. Wow! Thankful you didn’t take the bait.
    2 points
  13. So what part of your 'commitment' omits anybody who's flirted with you in the past? Either you're committed to your current relationship, or you're not. If not, you're not a villain, but get out first, rather than being disloyal to someone who trusts you.
    1 point
  14. You need to establish boundaries, and respond when it is convenient for you. You have enabled this behavior. Doesn't she have any other friends? Honestly, this type of individual would frustrate me. The fact that she shows no interest in your life and has made digs about important things, would be a big reason for me to pull away. This woman is not your friend, as you are no more than a sounding board.. She doesn't give a sh*t about you. Lose her!
    1 point
  15. Your friend is an energy vampire. Google "energy vampire." Make yourself less available. Don't return her calls nor texts immediately. Wait a week. Decrease your correspondence. Then when she texts, emails, messages or leaves a voicemail, wait another week. Let time drag out and let her wait forever. Decline getting together in person. Sooner or later, she'll get the message that you're drifting apart and fading away. Don't be shy. Learn to decline politely. "No thank you" will suffice. If pressed, let her know you are very busy with family, family commitments and daily respo
    1 point
  16. Trust your instincts. Wait until she's back. That way you can reflect and review what you want out of a relationship.
    1 point
  17. So you can't see him or any of your friends in person, nor your family. The means of communication with him is the same as with your family who is on a different continent, correct? So if you can communicate with other people electronically, I don't see the point of hanging onto this person who you know for a fact lies. It's not like you see him in person because you don't. I'm trying to figure out why this makes sense.
    1 point
  18. Why does it need to be an all-or-nothing deal? We all have different ideas about a comfortable pace of communication. This is likely to differ even more widely between someone who is traveling and visiting family and friends versus one who is home and not doing that. If you like this woman, reach out on occasion to keep in touch, but every day may be a bit much. You don't want to position yourself as an obligation, do you? Consider putting your investment on hold rather than ditching it completely. This woman may or may not materialize as relationship material, but for now, she
    1 point
  19. - Yah, good luck.. He is a liar. Some are. My son has a friend who is like this. he still deals with him- but is well aware of his behaviour... So, he knows now, where & when not to go with this guy. Fact is: He lies. And is YOUR choice to remain friends, then you WILL hear about everything! As for all he is saying.. as you two continue.. to talk about your past, involvement.. why does it matter? Why does it still bother you? ( You say you are over him....). How about you just stop talking about your past? It's done.. don't go there. - He is we
    1 point
  20. Sincere question, but can I ask why? This man has not treated you right. You might want to think about where your boundaries are and what happened to your self-esteem that make you interested in having this person in your life at all. I find it strange that you give him the time of day at all, let alone want him to be your friend.
    1 point
  21. If anyone ever characterized me this way, I'd kindly tell him that he's so right, and that's why it shouldn't bother him that I've decided to pass. I'd quit the convo and stop messing around wherever my intuition tells me that I don't have good chemistry with a person. And quit apologizing. It's not necessary. When we're looking for ONE person, we don't owe apologies to everyone else in the world who is NOT that person. Head high, and consider that if you are adult enough to seek a match, you are adult enough to handle your own conversations--without apology.
    1 point
  22. You need to sit down and define what a friendship really means to you. You mention you trust him with your secrets and can tell him anything, yet he's not to be trusted because he can't be honest with you. I'm not sure why you seem so surprised that he still lies even tho you've redefined your friendship a few times over the years He's shown you his moral code of conduct and he's a compulsive liar. Changing the titles of your relationship with him doesn't change how he operates If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck is probably a duck. It's not that complicat
    1 point
  23. If she says it is urgent reply that if it has to do with a true emergency you'll do your best but otherwise you cannot speak right now. I have a friend who has been acting this way the past year but she also was there for me so many times so I am cutting her slack. BUT after telling her I couldn't speak before a certain time in the morning (my husband is sleeping, it would wake him) she continued to call at those hours (like 8am) - so I simply turn my ringer off and let it go to VM. This person sounds like more of a casual/activity partner -you have some fun stuff in common so maybe l
    1 point
  24. Well, the problem is, you've made yourself answerable to her. Stop doing that. You're an adult; you don't have to explain your whereabouts to anyone.
    1 point
  25. What happens when you don't pick up the phone?
    1 point
  26. My heart goes out to you, Lisa. Holding you in my thoughts. (((HUG))), Cat
    1 point
  27. Yes, I have been married to my second husband for 9 years, together 11. It took a lot of sifting through sand in the dating world to find the treasure. I and many of my friends married too young without the maturity and life experience it takes to choose wisely the first time around. I'm 100 percent happier this time around, as are many people I know in second marriages. I remember watching a documentary of The Beatles, and the narrator said something striking to me of his observation. All of them had as first wives (or in Paul's case, his longterm first girlfriend) women they "wanted." T
    1 point
  28. I think you should just let go. No hard feelings, just move on with your life. Maybe you'll meet again one day in the future. What's happening here is actually very common in adulthood. "Friend groups" are for teenagers and kids just out of college. People become more independent as they start focusing on marriage and careers. The kid stuff falls by the wayside. You can make you appeals to her, but most likely they won't work. The friendship/affection is most likely still intact on some level. But the motivation to pal around like kids is gone.
    1 point
  29. Very much agree with this. The best place to "offload" is through therapy. This way, what you offload about can be specifically addressed. Also agree that "hard times" don't teach anything. Instead, they drag you down further into the abyss of untreated depression/anxiety. Make an appointment with your doctor for an evaluation of mood and for a referral to ongoing therapy.
    1 point
  30. Sheesh! These “kids” are believing all that crap on the internet! My 20 year old son, too!
    1 point
  31. I was married for 23 years and together for 25. During the 18 months separation and after the divorce, not once did we discuss "us." From that point forward, every discussion was about the children and nothing more. Once when his brother was in town, he invited me to join them for dinner, and that had nothing to do with him, but the fact that I had a family history with his brother, and he also invited me to his father's funeral. Those are healthy interactions and discussions. Minimal and always about the kids. No problems moving on whatsoever. Cordial, yet distant. You allow her to ask h
    1 point
  32. I can relate. It's a long long journey. You get treatment, hope it's been sorted, and life can carry on. Only to have it back again. Not funny. I feel for you 😞
    1 point
  33. I'm sorry, Lisa. Keeping you in my thoughts, and hang in there.
    1 point
  34. I'm so sorry to hear this. 😞 I can imagine how devastating it must be for you. Stay strong. ((Hugs)).
    1 point
  35. I am so sorry. 😓 Could it something of a genetic nature in your family ?
    1 point
  36. As long as you continue to permit her to bounce back and forth treating you like a tennis ball she's playing with, yes. Your misery is 100% self-inflicted. You flatly refuse to let go of the idea she'll somehow come back to you. Even though you know she won't. Like that song "Somebody I Used To Know", he says "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness". I think you enjoy thinking of yourself as an ever-faithful, long-suffering ex spouse who will love her until the day you die, but how much true happiness does that bring you? How long you choose to be unhappy is up to
    1 point
  37. Unless I'm missing something, this would make for a good Lifetime movie.
    1 point
  38. You don't get it do you? You have no maturity to sit down and just talk things out. You act like a two year old, throwing tantrums, demand to see her phone, pushy, say hurtful things, breakup with with her over and over, and never bother to listen or talk about resolving the problem,.....your actions are your demise. Forgive you? no that train has left the station.
    1 point
  39. That's a dealbreaker in itself. Unwarranted jealousy and controlling. Consider this as your "starter" relationship where you learned what you don't want in a relationship. Never be joined at the hip, having your own friends and hobbies and time alone besides having a partner. But in this case, I don't think that would solve this problem since he balks when you do go out. I was also in a 1 year relationship where I didn't feel like a priority and he was too tired for date days/nights as well. I freed myself from that disaster and the next man I dated 9 months later ended up having all th
    1 point
  40. I can appreciate the mixed advice here. I think you need to decide if things don't change, will you be happy? As much as, I whole heartedly believe, we all have to be full on our own. Meaning that you should be able to be on your own, when he needs down time. Sometimes that's not the case. If he needs alone time more than you need alone time, it's a problem. Are you needy? Or are you incompatible? I would put the breaks on to marrying until you figure this out. Before anyone gets married or even decides to be in a relationship, you gotta talk about your needs, what you want in
    1 point
  41. Sorry this happened. Listen to your family. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. 4 yrs is long enough to know you're incompatible and have very different goals and timelines. BTW, those 'get your ex back' sites which recommend telling the ex about your "improvement plan" are basically scams that backfire, as you have unfortunately found out. Improve yourself for you, not anyone you've been unable to work things out with.
    1 point
  42. He won't change, so until you can make arrangements to move back home, you'll have to change. Do not seek out his company . Reach out to friends and family and get involved in your interests and work/school, etc. Get busy with "alone time or something", when he's around. That means discontinue being a housekeeper/mother. Do not do his laundry. Do not cook or shop for his meals. Let him do that during his "alone time", whatever that is. What exactly is he doing during this alone time "or something"? Chatting with other women while you cook? Gaming while you do his housework? Don't be
    1 point
  43. You need to figure out how to occupy yourself when he is busy. You need a hobby or get to know your neighbours. Join an online social group (covid being the main problem for getting out with others).
    1 point
  44. Leave him... because he is busy? You two work in different places... argue sometimes? Things like this are 'normal' with couples... Stressors, change.. challenges. IF you truly love this guy you will try harder to remain & work these things out. Is not his fault, he is busy and gets tired/ needing his 'down time'.... Can you do some things on your own? Get a hobby or craft.. take walks, etc. ( Until you can at least get to know your area better & meet some other people) I feel you need to learn to compromise.. communicate & understand each other'
    1 point
  45. You've been given good advice over and over and over again in each of the threads you've started about your ex wife. You already know what to do. You just choose not to. Endlessly ruminating about "Why why WHY??? does she do this!!" keeps you stuck in the loop of misery you've created for yourself. Maybe someday you'll get sick and tired of being miserable, I don't know.
    1 point
  46. Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He was not relationship material and it was going nowhere. It's not about your hormones, it's about him repeatedly focusing only on his physical needs and ignoring the psychosocial aspects of a relationship. Perhaps you were turned off by his selfish attitudes? Most sexual drama starts outside the bedroom. As far as age goes, well that's easy enough to see a physician about and discuss health, libido, moods,etc. As far as satisfactory relationships go, this was not one of them. Be glad you are free from this angry rigid man.
    1 point
  47. OP, you are not too nice, but have low self esteem. You have a pattern for making some very poor choices. You are the common denominator!
    1 point
  48. I'm so sorry you're hurting, but going by what you post, it doesn't sound like he was much of a prize at all. This could be a blessing in disguise and I have no doubt you can do a lot better. It will take time to deal with and to get over it, but please try and be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up so much. Please keep posting if it helps you.
    1 point
  49. Hi I'm sorry you're hurting 😞 Give it some time. You might not see it now but some losses are actually gains. It doesn't sound like you were being supported by him and the blaming you, really shows he is not all that. I'm glad your mom is OK. In the long run, you will be comforted in knowing you did your best by her and that's what really matters. What a jerk he was. Hang in there and keep posting. it helps.
    1 point
  50. Aww, Purple, I'm sorry to hear this. Timewasters are why some of the first questions I ask anyone who pursues flirty convo with me, in an equally flirty manner, is "Aww, that's kind. So are you available for dating these days, or are you just trying to make a girl feel good?" I'll follow any (potentially patronizing) response with, "Are you in a relationship right now?" I get that these aren't foolproof screeners for deliberately deceptive people, but my antenna remains up until I flush out whether someone is just a talker who's accustomed to laying it on thick. But the alarming thin
    1 point
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