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  1. It's worth it. Living alone, you can have a much smaller place and your utility bills will be lower as well. It's worth the peace of mind, IMO. I haven't lived with roommates since college. I'd rather live in a shoebox-sized apartment than deal with roommates again. The boost to your mental wellbeing is simply wonderful, can't recommend it enough.
    3 points
  2. Hi all, Hope all is well. I need some direction as I keep going back and forth on my decision. To give you some background: I have been living in my current shared apartment for the last 4 years. The first three years were fine as all 3 of us moved in at the same time and had pretty compatible lifestyles. One of the tenants decided to move in December of last year and it has since been a bit of a mess. We had a first replacement who proved to be completely reckless (unpaid bills, alcohol abuse, guests over during lockdown for a nights of drinking & smoking etc..). This person moved out in June and we got a rent decrease which was quite generous. Another tenant moved in and I'm feeling uncomfortable around her and she also doesn't have any issues inviting her boyfriend over during lockdown. She's also a coworker, which is not to my liking (we found her through an ad). The other tenant who has been living there for 4 years as well spends his Friday nights and Saturday afternoons on the couch drinking copious amounts of alcohol and never ever pays bills on time. We were advised there would be a change in landlord as well which may have no implications, but we never know. This lifestyle doesn't suit my anymore. I'm 30 and studying on top of work. I don't want to have the stress of coming home and not knowing what's waiting for me there. Plus, people doing God knows what in the bedroom next door makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not in college anymore. Anyway. I found a nice one bedroom, brand new furniture, secure and very central for a decent price point. Along with the deposit and first month of rent, it will set me back by about 2.5k. I have about 6 months worth of rent aside. If I don't overspend, I hope to recuperate this amount. There is only 1 bill (electricity) which I know is generally quite cheap. My disposable income post-rent will still remain quite decent and I should be able to still same money. However, I'm scared of taking this risk of increasing my rent during a pandemic even though I know moving out will more than likely improve my mental health, job performance and overall well being. I'm really tired of seeing one person getting drunk on the couch and the other bringing her boyfriend over for the night. They kicked me out of the living room last week when I was having dinner. I've never seen this before. I've been living here 4 years an d contributed more than this new tenant, yet they had no shame in basically kicking me out to have some time (despite not giving a heads up about the guest). I don't have any family who can help me out in case something goes wrong, so I'm petrified of increasing my rent (about 50%), but again, this apartment's price point is reasonable in comparison to what I've seen around (city is quite expensive and there is a housing crisis). Plus, I can't live with roommates forever. What should I do?
    1 point
  3. Hi guys, I need your advice. Sorry for the long text... I tried to keep it as short as possible. I find myself in a very complicated situation right now. I'm 33 years old and from Germany. I went to México for a one-year academic exchange. In June, I met my ex (34 years old) and we had been together for 5 months when she broke up with me 3 weeks ago. The first 3,5 months, the honey moon stage, were obviously very nice. We both enjoyed each other’s company. We were both really heavily into each other- on many levels: personally, sexually etc. There was a huge attraction between us and also a lot of trust- we had many very profound conversations right from the start. During the first three months, she had a lot of free time, because she wasn’t allowed to work due to the pandemic. Consequently, we saw each other a lot. It was very balanced. As from September, she started a new job and that was basically also when things started to become complicated. She told me right from the start that she was a person who needed a lot of space. I was ok with that, because I also need a lot of space myself. However, nonetheless, we spent our first three months incredibly close. So when she started her new job, I think I couldn’t adapt quickly enough, because I had gotten used to the closeness. Eventually, we gradually went from seeing each other 3-4 full days a week 24h during the weekends and one day during the week. I was ok with that. The bottom line is that we weren’t seeing each other that often anymore, but it was still mutual. However, she began to set rules, such as when we saw each other for the weekend, she expected me to leave the next day in the morning before 10 am so she could work. I tried to stick to it, but she didn’t- she would invite me to stay for breakfast, watch netflix together or initiate sex. As she nearly always initiated this, I didn’t think it could become a problem, but it turned out to be her major argument to break up with me. She told me “you don’t stick to our rules”, “it makes me feel uncomfortable to tell you to leave if you don’t leave by yourself”, “we have a different idea of a relationship”. Apparently it’s a cultural issue- Mexicans don’t like to throw you out of their house, so they are waiting for you to make the first move. I didn’t know that and she didn’t tell me until she broke up. If I had known, I would have set myself an alarm and gone straight back to my place the next morning. In essence, she gave me a couple of reasons as to why she wanted to break up with me, but they were all pretty confusing and contradictory. “I feel like your mother sometimes”- in September I was pretty ill and had to go to hospital 3 times. It wasn’t a good thing for her to see me like this but she also insisted to accompany me to the hospital. And when we first me she literally told me “You have to accept the fact that I’m a bossy girlfriend. This is what we Mexican girls are like.”. I did actually need some assistance because of the language barrier, so yes, she was kind of in this role of helping me a lot. “You are not dominant enough”. Interestingly, when we first met, she told me that me liked me exactly for the fact that I’m not like a typical Mexican man and when we got to know each other she also told me she had broken up with her ex because he was too dominant. I'm neither dominant nor submissive, I adapt. She is very dominant herself, if I had adopted a dominant role, I would have become a dictator and she wouldn't have l liked that for sure. “We are too different”- this I don’t think, in fact I do think we have a lot in common which is why we developed such a strong bond so quickly. Obivously, we don't have everything in common. She thinks we have divergent ideas of a relationship, however, in fact we never really spoke about our ideas of a relationship. She is just assuming that I want a close relationship. On October 17th she told me she wanted to come around because she needed to talk. We met at my place and she told me said she felt she had to break up with me. We had a very emotional conversation and then she wanted to give it another try, because she felt she had never really given me a real chance to improve what she felt had to be improved. However, she never really did give me a chance. She turned pretty cold. Another 10 days later, I decided to pop around her house to talk (I actually wanted to break up because I didn’t like the way she was treating me), because I was confused by her behaviour. We were going to see each other on a Thursday, but I went around on a Wednesday to talk (she used that later as another reason to tell me I wasn’t sticking to her rules- she says she wants to meet on a Thursday and I popped around on a Wednesday- but I really couldn’t wait anymore). So we talked and I told her I didn’t like the way she treated me. She then gave me her same old reasons again and told me that she felt we were too different. We broke up, but I slept at her place, we were both crying the whole night. I didn’t exactly beg and plead, but I told her I felt it was a shame we never really worked on our issues, because I felt they were all solvable. She kept insisting she wanted to stay in touch with me and stay friends. I told her I didn’t know if I could be her friend. What I don’t get is that she is doing psychotherapy and I’m pretty sure she was discussing our relationship with her psychologist- it’s difficult for me to imagine that he would advise her to suggest a friendship in this situation! I don't know who implanted that idea into her head... After that, we were in no contact fo 4 days when she got in touch with me again, asking whether we could stay in touch and if she could come around to visit me. She kept getting in touch with me after the breakup and kept insisting she wanted to stay friends with me and wanted to see me again. In fact, I never initiated contact with her during this phase. We met 3 times after the breakup, but it never ended well, we always ended up discussing the break up. I didn’t exactly beg or plead but I did tell her (again) that I felt it was unfair she was breaking up with me without giving me a realistic chance to adapt my behaviour. And I also told her that I wanted to be with her. I now know, it was a mistake, I should have just ignored the topic. I don’t really understand the break up. At some point after our 2nd post breakup meeting, she told me she needed time and space. So I gave her time and space, but then she would get mad at me and complain why I was ignoring her. I wasn’t even ignoring her, I just didn’t get in touch with her. It just kept going back and forth like this, up to a point where emotionally I couldn’t cope with the situation anymore. She got me very confused. The thing is that last week I had to back to Germany to take my final exam at uni. I was only going to be away for 2 months though. I asked her if she had broken up with me because she was afraid I wouldn’t come back. And then she said “No, I trust you. If you say you’re coming back then I trust you”. However, I don’t know if that’s the truth. The reason why she is doing psychotherapy is because she always has to have things under control. So I think the fact I went back to Germany is kind of the worst nightmare somebody with her personality structure could have- she will totally not have things under control while I’m here in Germany. She will have to trust me and I think that’s also something she has issues with, because she was once cheated on. He brother told me she might have a fear I wouldn’t come back. This would explain her contradictory behaviour. I can feel that she still loves me. Even after breaking up, she just couldn’t maintain her distance. The day before I went back to Germany, she came around to say goodbye, brought a cake etc. It was really a very lovely thing for her to do, but I couldn't really appreciate it. She also gave me a lift to the airport the next day and accompanied me until the very last moment. It was very emotional. However, she seems to be annoyed at the moment. She told me she was fed up with my post breakup behaviour (engaging her in those “heavy” conversations again and again, although she doesn't like to speak about these things) and that we could talk every now and again but that right now she didn’t feel very much like talking to me. It’s been more than a week now since she last contacted me. I will keep up no contact, but I’m still very confused. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I have never had a breakup this chaotic before. What do you guys think? Is it worth fighting for? I’m still very much in love with her. It was love at first sight. We spent our first date 8 hours talking and it kept on going on like this, we have a very deep connection. She told me I was the first guy she felt safe and happy with and that she also found it a bit scary that she felt so well in my presence, because she had never experienced anything like this before..I think she is afraid of her emotions, because she doesn’t like to talk about how she feels. She doesn’t like to make herself vulnerable. I'm all confused... Before meeting her, I thought love at first sight didn't exist and I didn't believe in the concept of "the love of your life", but with her it was all different right from the start. Thanks very much for your help!
    1 point
  4. Just want to chime in here and say... yes, a resounding yes, to living on your own... I decided to do this after my separation... splurged on a place that was in the neighbourhood I wanted, and had everything I was looking for... and while it was tight and sometimes I worried, I have to say it was worth every cent to have a space all to myself, a sanctuary that I could come home to... it was so peaceful and grounding.
    1 point
  5. Sorry about all this. If there's one thing that's pretty universal—spanning cultures, spanning continents, spanning centuries—it's that it really stings when something goes from being so enlivening and promising to, well, to the shattered mirror you're trying to piece back together today. It's also—no comfort here, I know—the more common story to romance. Like baseball, there are lot more strikes than hits, a lot more hits that don't end in a score than those that do, and so on. It's what makes it all so wondrous, of course, at least when it's not inducing whiplash. All of that is to try to encourage you to see this as a human story, not a Germany vs Mexico story. I'm writing in the US, for instance, with no experience dating in Mexico, but so much of what you've described is familiar to me in the sense that this is generally what it looks like, and often feels like, when we find ourselves romantically entangled with someone who may not quite be sincerely ready for romance and/or who we may not be as compatible with as we presumed when they were more fantasy than reality. Simple takeaway I'd be working toward, in your shoes? You want whatever was great with her, but for longer than a few weeks. Wonderful. It's out there, in Oaxaca, in Berlin, in wherever you want to plant your feet. But it's not in her, not in whatever alchemy you plus her create. Something to mourn, that, so you can let go of this chapter and open up to whatever is next.
    1 point
  6. Look forward now, Rivoli, better things ahead!. Not backwards, mulling over what these individuals did and said. They aren't even worth while discussing and who cares what their future holds. Wishing you every luck.
    1 point
  7. Yes cultural differences do exist for sure and sometimes the differences are huge! Maybe part of her behaviour is because of the culture but the rest is just her character. You can certainly find a woman in Mexico who is not a control freak. As you wrote she is actually the first woman you met there. Not good. Usually the first people you meet as a foreigner are not the best ones. If you are interested in dating women in Mexico, keep searching, this is not the one no matter how much fun you had the first 3 months. As a Greek I am very familiar with petty power struggles, I understand completely what you are saying and this is why I am saying dump her and keep looking.
    1 point
  8. Oh God. That's insane. It's not fair at all that people are imposing their agenda on other people without their consent. The other tenant and I have not brought a single person over during this pandemic. We didn't even have to set "rules" or discuss it. Yet, this girl clearly didn't get the hint. She probably thinks we're just "loners" and started putting her agenda in motion. In any case, I want to preserve my health as health expenses are very steep and I certainly don't want to face any risk. She took a week long vacation to Italy and didn't even quarantine when she got back, so I can't imagine her having an ounce of consideration.
    1 point
  9. Well, I'm not blaming cultural differences, but I'm saying that they do play a role. Before I went to Mexico, I hadn't been aware of the fact that there would be such profound cultural differences. I was aware that there would be some issues, but I wasn't aware of how different life is actually over there and I think that this is something people will only understand if they have actually lived in a completely different culture for a while. In Germany, I have never had issues like this at all with my ex girlfriends. My role as a man was never in question. I grew up in a society in which men and women are equal, in which men and women have relationships without any major power struggles. In Germany, it's absolutely normal for a man to ask before he does things. In Mexico, women expect you to do things, without asking. That is a huge difference and it makes you look completely different. However, this type of behaviour, your socialisation, cannot be changed over night. It's a process of adaptation which takes a while. And yes, you're right. The relationship was completely out of balance. She didn't only confuse me, we probably confused each other. I'm beginning to understand now that it's better to forget about it and move on. But it's a tough process to go from having such a deep connection to no contact at all within only just one month. Even more so, because I have these huge exams coming up and my brain is trolling around with giving me flashbacks of our relationship and wanting to resolve things (which cannot be resolved)...I hope it'll pass soon.
    1 point
  10. I wanted to add, the stress of being on your own, I think, is a lot less. Yes, you are responsible for the bills but you aren't waiting on some twit to pay up. You are in control. That can be scary but it's also very freeing. You can adjust your habits and spending accordingly to make ends meet as well. You don't have to worry about a roommate blowing half of their rent money on alcohol and not paying up. And, of course, it's safer. You don't have to deal with guests you don't like and you don't have to ask anyone's permission about anything.
    1 point
  11. Yes, and be careful of this. It's an unconscious reaction that I've seen play out in otherwise mature and well grounded people during all kinds of job and home changes. It's a 'burn this down' mentality that seeks to villaininze those being left in order to hyper-justify a parting. My guess is, people do this because it's easier to walk away if we can be angry. But it's over-kill. It causes drama that's unnecessary and it harms your own stomach lining and mental state for zero 'real' benefit. I'd sign the new lease and allow current roommates to roll off my back. I'd be conscious of this tendency and recognize that it can be flipped on me--my roommates could ramp-up annoyances because they're doing this 'burn-down' themselves. I'd check my reactions to that with the confidence that I know what's going on, and they'll be able to keep that long after I'm off living the life that I want--with no wildcards. Meanwhile, mask up when unwanted people enter your home, and go off to avoid them. Let them think or say whatever they wish, and take good care of yourself. Head high, and congrats on your new place.
    1 point
  12. Just do it!! Nothing gain without taking risk.
    1 point
  13. He's 20 years old. My ex husband pressured me to marry him when I was just 21. We got engaged and then married when I was barely 22. I did not want to get married, not yet, but he gave me an ultimatum; marry him or he'd break up with me. I sometimes think if we'd only waited a few years we might have made it. Or maybe not. But marrying him when I wasn't ready and when I was so unsure about life was a big, big mistake. Think about why you want kids NOW. Why? To satisfy some arbitrary deadline you made up in your own head? Do not try to force him to marry you when he is not ready.
    1 point
  14. His mindset is more common than not--men want to be financially sound before getting married. And you can't, plus shouldn't marry someone who isn't 100 percent confident in doing so. Therefore, your plans will likely have to change, whether that means staying with him or not. Sometimes you have to come to a consensus when it means taking your partner's wants and needs in to consideration. With life experience, which you're both in the process of tucking under your belt, you might find that you want to tweak your plans as well. I originally wanted four children, and wanted the second one three years after the first. Well, after the first, when it came time for that spacing, I wasn't ready to try for another. Then when I was ready to try, it took me six months longer than expected to conceive. She was such a difficult baby, and I found two children was all I could handle and that was it for me. When he gets a job, I'd suggest he get his own place. If I were you, I'd gauge his true interest in continuing on with you by sitting back and letting him make a bit more of the effort with you. Because I have a feeling you're a go-getter and have likely been driving this train, with him on board and letting you take the lead. Don't move in together if marriage is your goal. You'll see by his efforts or lack of if he's in this as much as you or not. It is a high risk dating only one throughout all these younger years. Some people want to sow their wild oats and have more dating experiences before finally settling down. I don't know what the case is here. I got married at 21, before being mature enough to make such an important decision. When marriages work out from that age, I think of it as pure luck. I wished I'd waited until I was in my late 20s, using a more mature brain. Because my first marriage ended. As an older person with more life experience, I was able to make a much wiser decision in choosing my second husband. Either believe he's worth the wait without pressure, or chug on with your life plan by starting anew with someone who has the same life goals as you. Although, it will take a lot of dating to find that man, plus years of dating him to see if you indeed match in all the major ways. Take care and let us know how it goes.
    1 point
  15. Start packing! Sign that lease and get out of there! You are so very unhappy and you've done the math to know you can cover the rent at the new place, so go for it. Your mental health is at stake here. What are you waiting for???
    1 point
  16. Having your own space will be worth everything you have to sacrifice to have it. Trust me on this. It will improve your mental state and give you a new outlook on life. Go for it.
    1 point
  17. I think the controlling aspect of some of the women in this culture is something you should think about... Certainly not all of them are probably like that, but I think she's letting you know one of her major flaws upfront. She likes a man to be a man, BUT she also doesn't want to give up that control. Picking you meant she'd be able to control you easier (that's basically what she was telling you). I think relationships work better when both people treat each other as equals in a partnership. Be aware of people who tell you straight up, "I'm bossy/controlling/demanding," and then expect you to just live with it. At least she gave you the warning lol.
    1 point
  18. I think you should definitely move. You are in a good position to do so, and take it from me, it's a great boon when you find a nice place for a reasonable price in an expensive area. You will make it work.
    1 point
  19. Well.... I think he's doing what most 20 years old do... he's figuring things out. You're not that much older in years but sounds like you could be experience wise. You have a degree... this opens more doors for you professionally. If you married him and had kids, you would probably need to continue to work full time. Even if he has a good job, I'm guessing its not enough to support a family alone. So in a way he is being more realistic about what he has to offer than you are, eventhough you're older and more educated. That's most likely because you're both young. I know a few couples that married young and they lasted. So I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But! its a fact that the brain's frontal lobe is not fully developed until mid to late 20s! This explains why we all make decisions in our 20s that we look back on like-- what was i thinking? lol To be honest... if you want to be married and have 3 kids in the next 5 years, you need a different guy. you need someone that wants that and has been working towards that over the last couple years. Someone probably a few years older, already in a good career, and ready financially to start a family. this bf? he is already behind on your timeline. you will be close to 30 by the time his ready. he'll only be 27, which is still young to be ready for a family. And there's no guarantee this will happen. he hasn't proved to be on this path (nothing wrong with this except it doesn't match you) So the decision is yours. Just make sure its based on reality, not potential.
    1 point
  20. Green flags. Words and actions match. He treats you with respect and you are inspired to do the same. He is local. You have common values and goals and standards. You both proceed at a comfortable pace and if one person is speeding things up too much the other tells that person plainly and directly that it's going too fast. Result is a respectful exchange. You are physically and sexually attracted to each other whether or not you act on it at that time. You feel a spark by the fourth date -where you feel like you'd want to kiss this person, etc. You have compatible senses of humor. You feel comfortable being around him and comfortable even when you are not - you feel fine about stuff - you aren't tempted to overanalyze and if you feel insecure in the beginning -normal!! - it's just the beginning and it's no overhwhelming the positive parts of having fun and getting to know each other. I wouldn't date this guy properly or not -he is lying to you, he is evasive, this will not change just because you can see each other in person.
    1 point
  21. I would do it for sure and find ways to save $ - I think Dave Ramsey writes great books on the subject??? Your peace of mind and comfort now is more than worth it. Good luck!!
    1 point
  22. Congratulations! This is awesome. I don't think you will regret this at all. Rather you would regret not doing it. There comes a time when you need your own life, your own space, your own choices and decisions. That starts with your own place in the world! I bet this is just the first step in a string of great new things supportimg the life you envision for yourself! cheers!
    1 point
  23. I agree about not dwelling on it all now ...look you have a very exciting plan to fill your thoughts now . But for the record ...it would have gone down big style had I been living there ..believe me I am so covid conscious , so you do have a right to feel none to happy . ..but just concentrate on you and your plans and keep out of their way .
    1 point
  24. Thank you, LaHemes!! It is correct. I don't feel at home at all anymore. I'm always tense, stressed out and angry. The last straw was when the new roommate brought her boyfriend over unannounced on Saturday (against lockdown rules) after their week-long trip during which they mingled with other households. I was having dinner at the kitchen table and they just stood there next to me watching me eat and waiting for me to vacate the area. I found this to be rude and inconsiderate. I pay my rent, I should be able to sit at the table to eat dinner peacefully. The other tenant was all over the living area drinking and eating junk food. I felt so out of place that night that I realized I needed to make a change. I couldn't sleep at all from Saturday to Sunday as my anxiety kicked in, it was the nail in the coffin. I availed on the drop in rent in my current apartment, but quite frankly, the mental exhaustion is not worth it at all.
    1 point
  25. He was 18 a couple years ago, Hannah. I'm afraid to tell you that the life plans I made at 18 are a far cry from where I am now at 39. In other words, at 18 he was in no position to be making long-term, "forever" plans. He was too young and inexperienced for that. He's been dating you since he was only 15. He's still figuring out who he is and what he wants from life, as most of us are at 20 (and at your age, too) I would nix the talk of marriage for now. He may be a little older but he's clearly not truly ready for that yet. He's right that marriage before he's established is not a good idea. I would also not move out into a place of your own until he's re-established himself for a while in a new job. It would be a recipe for disaster.
    1 point
  26. Yeah I can see that. It’s definitely going to take some adjustment for sure. Yeah I made out good financially in all this. This is all still new, it’s only been about 2.5 months since the start of this so her “fantasy” hasn’t had time to fail yet lol
    1 point
  27. I would endorse this Wiseman. "Local. Seeing each other regularly. Goals and values in common. Physical chemistry. Good communication. Ability to get along well. Free and clear to date. Balanced temperament. Handles stress without the use of drugs, alcohol or behavioral compulsions. Emotionally, financially independent. Takes pride in work, doesn't want/need shoulders to cry on or cheerleaders. Mature, even keeled, good boundaries."
    1 point
  28. His plan is quite sensible. He needs to solidify himself financially first. You need to get out of your sisters house. You seem to be pushing and shoving forward with this married 3 kids ASAP plan, despite how unreasonable it is. Relax. Who is pressuring you to have 3 kids by age 26? And who's going to pay the mortgage and bills and for the kids?
    1 point
  29. You've been together since he was 15? Do you both live with parents now? Slow down. Don't live together. He needs to solidify his finances, job, etc. What's the rush? Is this an arranged marriage?
    1 point
  30. He is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. He has let you know that after about 40 days of meeting you. He is trying to do a slow fade but you aren’t getting his hints. Why aren’t you?? Sorry but this is not his depression talking , this is him with or without depression. Early dating people say all sorts of lovely things. Everytime. But once we start to actually know someone and realise that’s not the person for us we put on the brakes. Like he has. He did enjoy sharing his depression thoughts with a perfect stranger but that doesn’t mean he is interested in you beyond that. If someone with depression is genuinely interested in you , they will hide the fact that they have depression from you , not tell you about it. He was interested in a temporary boost for which you served that purpose. Sorry. He is not ready to be in a relationship and nor does he want one with you. Enough about him. I’m more concerned about you? Why would you entertain discussing mental illness with someone you barely know? Are you not on top of your own mental health ?
    1 point
  31. It's a difficult situation. There's a fine line between "mothering" him and outright dismissing him. Speaking personally, the wife and I are among the incredibly privileged to essentially have our biggest economic consequence be having to work more from home. Our careers have been virtually untouched, and mine having in fact improved (by no effort for my part). Frankly, if I were in a position to where I was furloughed during the first lockdown, went back to work under very questionable circumstances, and then experienced yet another furlough during a second lockdown amid a double-dip recession, I'd probably be pretty dejected. That said, it's by no means a license for him to, even if as a more hyperbolic example, go off on you for him having done dinner dishes the 5th night in a row when this is pretty much the only way he can tangibly contribute right now. At the same time, I think a lot of very resentful couples similar to you two right now are skirting the reality that one or the other simply isn't going to be able to financially contribute to your joint livelihoods in the short-term future, and you gotta kinda come to a no-BS assessment and agreement on how the unemployed partner can in the meantime contribute while still maintain their sanity and being able to pursue constructive hobbies and interests. I don't know how much you two have discussed or if he's been offered the option, but especially right now where people are unemployed by virtually no fault of their own, it's a huge weight off if they're provided some assurance that you appreciate what they are contributing around the house, and that it's fine in the more immediate future if they. again, focus more on constructive hobbies and interests in lieu of languishing over losing a job or finding one amid the worst recession the UK has faced in 300 years. That's not to say roll over and allow yourself to be taken advantage of. But again speaking personally, I'd give my wife or then-girlfriend the benefit of that assurance and the confidence they could independently take care of themselves, providing them the space to do so, before treating it as any sort of hard negotiation. Beyond that, I just say best of luck. I again consider myself extremely fortunate for not having had to navigate this kind of dynamic during the pandemic, even with as confident as I am in my marriage.
    1 point
  32. A lot of couples marry or date outside of their culture. It's good of you to want to bridge that gap but I think you already know that type of hot/cold and rollercoaster feel isn't healthy in the long term. I'm sorry it's been so chaotic. I think it's better to make a clean break and continue to heal after the break up. Your mind will be so much more clearer too once you're able to put some distance and space between you and your ex. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't limit yourself this way. One step at a time.
    1 point
  33. 1 point
  34. OK, but I'll tell you this. I have never in my entire life seen a woman who "lost her sex drive" that didn't have it resurrected upon introduction of a new and different man.
    1 point
  35. I am so sorry to hear about your cousin.
    1 point
  36. It's over. Don't feel guilty about being happy to move on. It's actually healthier to feel relieved about accepting an unsuccessful relationship as history and recover faster. It's unhealthier and worse to ruminate and dwell on "what could've been" or worse yet, pitifully beg, plead and implore to recapture a hopeless relationship. Don't fret about your ex. She's a big girl and can take care of herself. Let time do the healing for her. Someday, both of you will become a distant blur. Speaking of distance, make a complete and final disconnect with her including social media, apps and the like. Both of you need to be "out of sight, out of mind" in order to truly move on. In the past, I felt a bit guilty for being happy to move on and in my case, my story was different than yours. Whether it's relationships, friendships or former ties with relatives, sentiments are quite similar. Nowadays, I feel a tremendous sense of RELIEF when certain relationships either abruptly dissolved, drifted apart or faded away because it was meant to be. If anyone still remains together, then obviously any and all relationships were meant to be because you want to be together. Whenever there is a parting of ways, incompatibility was the reason so it makes sense to cease being together. There are a gamut of reasons, bad blood (past feuds), sad circumstances, economic, character differences, bad character defects, unforgivable sins and what have you. The more I think about it, the happier I am to rid of certain toxic people in my life who disrespected me (which is an understatement btw), broke cardinal rules of decency and integrity and didn't care to bring me joy. In other words, some people are simply unrewarding in a multitude of ways. No, it's not selfish to be happy to move on. I'll take it a step further. I feel downright giddy and as if I received a "get out of jail" free pass! Do what you have to do to survive and save your sanity. That's been my mantra and motto as of late. It does wonders for the soul. Change the way you think and it all makes sense to you or at least it did for me anyway.
    1 point
  37. He still likes you and misses you, enjoyed the time you had together, but it's just bad timing. Both are at different places in your life, so it makes sense for him to break it off. Ya he thought he wanted kids, etc....that's the infatuation period where everyone feels they want everything the other wants, makes plans for the future. He came back down to reality...had a think and realized this wasn't right or fair...too bad he didn't have the nut sack to explain that to you like an adult, instead of dumping excuses on you. You don't need a guy like that, he's not a good communicator or honest. You dodged a bullet.
    1 point
  38. So you've spent 7 months with no closure, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this issue on a forum. You're the one keeping yourself emotionally attached to a dirtbag. If you really loved yourself as you should, you would've block him from contacting you. Instead, you welcome the breadcrumbs, because subconsciously, you think that's all you deserve in life. The only way to heal yourself is to break free, so do it. Then be alone to work on boosting your self esteem so eventually you will attract, and be attracted to, mentally healthy men.
    1 point
  39. This from gov.uk "The average age at marriage continued to rise. For marriages of opposite-sex couples, the average (mean) age for men marrying in 2016 was 37.9 years, while for women it was 35.5 years. This was a slight increase for both men and women from the previous year and continued the overall rise recorded since the 1970s.28 Mar 2019" It has become unusual here to marry very young, although some still do. I don't know anyone among our younger relatives who married before age 30. And even in a different generation, my mother was almost 34 when she married, my father 40. First and only marriage. In the U.S. : the average age around the US that people get married hovers between 25 and 30 years old.
    1 point
  40. Great Story! It's true - when you find a bigger problem to solve, you really learn what you are made of. Good job on pushing yourself!
    1 point
  41. Great story! When one door closes, not every door we face afterward will glide wide open, either. Congrats on your determination and your accomplishments.
    1 point
  42. Two success stories in two days on here is pretty cool! I love to see posters come back and give wonderful news like this. Well done and it just goes to show that not all paths are the same. NC comes in all shapes and forms but in the end the results are what matters. Thank you for your service and thank you for sharing your story of success. Come here when you can and pay it forward and help others. Lost
    1 point
  43. Great job, and PLEASE don't let extreme negativity and bitterness impact all the positive things you have done with your life.
    1 point
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