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Showing content with the highest reputation on 01/15/2020 in Posts

  1. 2 points
  2. My experience was much the same as Cherylyn, maybe not quite as extreme but I was a SAHM too and money was tight. We made do with a lot of things. The cost of daycare would eat up any money I made, so there was no point. Can your wife set up an online job that does not require her to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day? Something she can do when the kids are napping or after they've gone to bed? We've been self employed almost forever and I run an online biz that I can do on my own time. I would not want it any other way, and it works well for parents of little kids.
    1 point
  3. Sorry, but what Is "ridiculous" is that you had anything to do with him after he lied about his marriage status. Then, he repeatedly continued to show you that he was a lying, cheating, attention seeking louse, yet you kept returning. I'm sorry, but this is on you. What does this guy have to do to convince you he is not worthy? What happened to your self esteem to want a future with someone like this? He does not care about or respect you, and treats you like crap! What do your friends advise?
    1 point
  4. ^second this. If he is such a downer, clearly you need to break up, move on, maybe get some therapy for yourself to help you deal with all that. Be sure you don't join any other forums until you are fully healed from this break up first though. Do not lead other forums and mods on when you are still carrying baggage.
    1 point
  5. Maybe you should breakup with him then.
    1 point
  6. Do you mind if I ask, how old are you RayRay? Just curious....I actually have to say that I disagree with the posts you're making. I mean it's jusr your personal opinion of course....You seem to be of that old-fashioned opinion that if a guy gets a woman pregnant, he has to stay with her and stick it out. That that's it for him. Like in the olden days when a guy got a woman pregnant, he had to marry her straight away. I'm a millennial (35) but I have close friends who are in their late 20's. From my experience, times have changed and it's not believed that people have to stay together forever because they have kids. Of course it's the best outcome for the child if they're together, but not if the parents can't stand each other. My best friend's Mum just settled for her Dad because she wanted kids. She actually almost can't stand him and they always fight. And she used to flirt with other men and have emotional affairs. Maybe if she left him they could have both found someone they were more compatible with. I could be wrong, but from OP's post I just get a strong vibe that he's not happy with her and things are not going well. The whole thing sounds rushed and like maybe there was a lack of experience due to never have been in a relationship before? Doesn't sound like they lived together long at all before deciding to have a baby. Truly getting to know someone is a long process. These days people are usually together 2+ years before thinking about a baby. I'm not just speaking from total ignorance here. I was with a guy for 2.5 years, lived together for one. He was really rushing to get married, so proposed to me after one year together and only one month of living together. I said "yes" but after another year or so of living together realised that he had very bad mental health issues and then he also developed a bad drug addiction. Looking back on it I wished I hadn't rushed into it like that. I mean before completely giving up you can try couple's counselling. But if it doesn't work then you don't have to stay with her. You can be a good Dad and always be there for your child and help her as much as you can. But you don't have to be in a relationship for that.
    1 point
  7. It was a mistake moving her into your home. And it was a mistake getting her pregnant. No need to triple down. This isn't just the " way life is ". This is a bad relationship. This is a poor choice in a partner. Don't buy or spend anything else until you get some financial advice. This woman wasn't even holding a stable job, and you moved her in to your home. Now she's pregnant, and she is already pushing for more. What has she contributed? What will she be contributing? Check out the laws where you live. Where I live, common law is a thing. She'd have rights to that house and your income. If you marry her, she certainly will almost anywhere. Don't marry her. Not everyone out there is a cool bean. You have to be smart. She has given you no reason to think she's interested in an equal partnership. Shes nagging already about what you have to give her. She has legs, if she wanted a huge house, why didn't she work for it before getting off the pill? Think about it. She's an adult. She's not your responsibility. You can roll the dice on staying with someone who already makes you miserable, or you can get out now and focus on how you will raise your kid. You aren't trapped. And she sure isn't. Again, this isn't " just life " even if it's a scenario that is common enough. It's the results of the series of choices you made, and continue to make. You can change the story if and when you want.
    1 point
  8. I had this conversation with someone who's parent was terminally ill the same time my mother was. You don't really know the challenges until you are faced with them. I respected their wish to bring the parent home and do all the care themselves. It's very commendable. At the same time while facing difficult decisions for my mother, my mother wouldn't want my brother and I doing the work. Being in a position to bath and change diapers for a relative changes the dynamic. My mother wasn't having any part of it. I now feel the same way. Having said that, it seemed to make sense to hire someone to do the difficult work, while my brother and I can continue to enjoy that time with her. As far as the comment `in sickness and in health' That's what marriage vows are for and I think it's different when you commit to someone legally for a long duration, that you are agreeing to handle the hard stuff when the time comes. The guy by his own decision wanted to keep things light and separate. This is the down side of that agreement. I've seen it before. My parents next door neighbors. Seniors, cohabiting with no legal arrangement. The man becomes terminally ill. The woman takes great care of him and can also afford daily nursing. Estranged kids from another state swoop in and take dad away against both their wishes. She never saw him again and the kids were protecting their inheritance. It was rather heartbreaking.
    1 point
  9. to answer your question, yes. he can change. However and this is a giant however-- As long as he has access to you, you share any kind of relationship, he will not. He will not. I'll say it, again, he will not. The only motivation for change, is get something you don't have and that goes for all things in life. As a young woman, I did not understand this. And like you, I wanted my cake and eat it, too. I wanted my boyfriend's to treat me a certain way, but I didn't have the discipline to walk away when presented with unacceptable behavior. I wanted them to change but I wasn't willing to change myself. Do you see what I did there? it's not about forcing him to change, cause you can't. but you can change yourself. And be strong! accept being away from someone you love is hard, but you love yourself enough to know what you deserve. You may find you don't love him as much as you thought and you don't see your future with him... the world is your oyster! There are a lot of great guys out there. Ones that don't blow it (twice!) with a great woman! Put the responsibility for your life back on you. get away from this guy for a few weeks, months even, I bet you see the situation differently. Maybe he will realise what he lost and change. Maybe you'll realise what you were missing- with someone else! The best advice i can give for anyone is, don't limit yourself or your options. And don't make decisions out of fear. There are always more men... I know a lot of people, when breaking up, really think - oh no, I will not meet anyone better. But we all do... if you can get one guy, you can get another. ps... toxic guys are everywhere. women, too. so know you aren't really giving up anyone great... knock him down a peg and raise your own self worth. these situations only get worse!
    1 point
  10. What has not been addressed here is he totally did not want marriage or living together because "he didn’t want us to become a financial or medical burden on each other at this stage of life." So basically, he called all the shots so that he would not have any problems taking off if she became sick or needy. Now he is sick and needy and expects her to sacrifice herself for him, he will "stay" with her -- what a bargain, but I guarantee, if this were reversed, he would not be around to look after her. This is ridiculous. I understand they have been together for 10 years, but together in what sense? They Netflixed together? What did they share that she should take on such a burden from someone who was completely unwilling to make a commitment to her. I understand she feels some obligation to him because they have been in this "relationship" but with no commitment, he needs to arrange other care and she can visit. At best, that is what she would get from him. And as for his family, he is their problem and she needs to tell them that. My MIL spent 12 years in a relationship with a guy who had plenty of money and lived across the street (neither was interested in marriage at this point). But he was ALWAYS there for anything she needed and he took her on trips, etc. and significantly included her in his will. She did a lot of taking care of him, but also made it clear to his family that they had a responsibility to look after him.
    1 point
  11. You too, Ray Ray!!!!!!
    1 point
  12. Have to echo Wiseman on this. First of all if he is this sick, then he needs to either stay in the hospital or go to a convalescent facility where he will be provided with proper medical care and physical therapy. His family needs to know the truth and needs to arrange for this. Since he is covered by Medicare, this is not some huge financial burden on the family to get him what he needs. Need in this case trumps wants. Of course he'd rather just go home and have you play nurse. Unfortunately, it's a situation where he can't get what he wants, he has to do what he needs to get properly well instead. You taking him into your home at this point is not doing him any favors and quite the opposite, interfering with medical care that he actually needs. Also agree that should something go sideways while he is under your unqualified care, his kids will turn on you in a heartbeat and run to a lawyer. Their thank you's will turn to threats and lawsuits. Tell the kids what's going on with him, tell the truth that this is gone way beyond your capacity and let them make proper care arrangements for him. Btw, refusing to get married but calling you his wife when he needs to use you is manipulative af. You might want to take a big step back and think on that a bit.
    1 point
  13. Except that they aren't married or even living together. Staying with someone through sickness and health is not the same as being their caregiver. Caregiver burnout is extremely common in these scenarios. My grandfather in law was cared for by his wife 24x7 for many years without a break until his family finally put their foot down and hired someone to take care of him. You could see the impact this was having on her overall health and well being, and his as well as she was exhausted. Not everyone has the financial means BUT.... if a person can find a way, shuffle expenses, find community resources, get family assistance etc. hiring a professional, even part time, is a must in these scenarios.
    1 point
  14. At least wait in the car until your kid gets in the door.
    1 point
  15. By working on herself and how she stops enabling, she will be putting her children first. She is in no way emotionally ready nor is she confident enough to stay gone. She will also be too afraid to give him custody visits if she's not there to feel in control so her leaving right now is in no one's best interest. She is not in physical danger... he would have hit her by now if he was that type. As she works on herself with the help of a therapist proficient in codependency (because op IS codependent) and has the knowledge of her rights and obligations she will be in a better place within with tools to help her not to enable and she will be ready to leave and stay gone.
    1 point
  16. I am sorry Holly, I am no longer allowed to respond specifically/directly to other poster's posts in any way that might be construed as disagreement or rudeness.
    1 point
  17. Every controlling, toxic, abusive person will say the same thing - come back, I've magically changed and seen the error of my ways. You already gave him a second chance and what happened? He went right back to being himself after a short honeymoon period. This cycle is never going to change until you dropkick him out of your life permanently. What will change with that? You'll get to live your life and be happy and his toxic bs will no longer be your problem. Do yourself a huge favor and block and delete him from everything. No more contact whatsoever. You need to spend some time detoxing yourself. As for your hope that maybe this time....unless he spent 1-2 years in therapy while staying completely single and fully focused on therapy, he is NEVER going to change. Now has he been single and in intensive therapy for 2 years since you broke up? No? So nothing has changed or will change. You are in college. Time to allow yourself some freedom to be single, focus on your personal growth, your studies, figure out who you are as a young woman and learn to stand on your own two feet completely. That's critical for your life and well being in the future. As for this guy, this is your life lesson in what kind of a bf you don't want in your life.
    1 point
  18. Pregnant women have a hard time interacting with other people generally (not a hater, just my experience). There is such a soup of hormones swirling around their blood stream, body changes, and whatnot, that is uncomfortable and makes 'em feel a loss of control. This is where nesting behavior comes in and controlling commentaries. She does not believe you when you say that it would be better to wait on the home buying. You are completely dismissive of her reasoning. If you think it will be easier to do that when there is an infant in tow, then you really do not understand the meteor that is about to crash on your 2-bedroomed roof. if it would be no skin off your nose to trade up the housing, then just do it--now. Caveat: if you are not to stay with hr anymore, then don't do it.
    1 point
  19. I think that is a good thing to do. This could be a great family unit, and the OP could be the best, gentlest father who ever held his baby. Mate, you are going to get criticized, no matter what you do. Posters here will do it with their usual knee jerk reactions. Tough it out buddy. Do it for your child. Don't die wondering.
    1 point
  20. I can relate to how you feel, to a certain extent, I used to be super shy and social interactions would made me anxious. What helped me the most was moving to another country, all by myself, where I had to come out of my shell. I had to built my social life from scratch, and this experience has made me a lot more extroverted. I also learned to accept myself (that does not mean I am not working on improving myself and my weaknesses), and made peace with myself. I know I won’t be the loudest one at the party, but I am fine with chatting to a couple friends. I think it’s hard to not care at all about what others think, but I realized it’s okay if someone does not like you, it’s life, not everyone will adore you. I’m still not the most confident person out there, but I’m doing a lot better than before. I used to hate going to parties/dinners knowing only a handful of people, but I just kept going out until I became comfortable with these situations. Hope this helps
    1 point
  21. Have you ever heard anyone boast about a 'good' breakup? Even when people mutually agree to break up, the bottom line is still a break up, and nobody ever comes away from that feeling fabulous. Head high.
    1 point
  22. 1 point
  23. Don't want the drama? Don't talk to him. Its really pretty simple.
    1 point
  24. Are you sure I didn't write this post, peachypeach? You are me back in my day. I think youth and where you are at life has a lot to do with how you're feeling as of late. I was PAINFULLY bashful and shy all my life and I didn't know what the definition of "confidence" was. I suffered from extremely low self esteem for decades. Mind you, I never dated in high school nor college. I was the 'Ugly Duckling.' Therefore, I simply gave up and said, "To heck with it. I'll go my own way in life." Times were very bad for me, too. I financially supported my young widowed mother and younger siblings as I toiled at my miserable full time night shift job 4PM to 1AM Monday through Friday while enrolled in college full time. There was a supervisor in particular who took it upon himself to remove me from the company with a layoff. I was desperate and suddenly, there was no more paycheck. Another supervisor above the supervisor didn't like me either. Both of them saw to it to remove me and I was unpopular among my night shift crew because I was considered very unworldly. I didn't fit in. Therefore, I was snubbed. Within 24 hours of layoff, I reported to work at 6AM at my new full time day job at another department. I ascended over the years. Whenever I saw my former bosses and colleagues who mocked me when I was a nobody, I returned their same stare in the hallway. They suddenly felt very awkward because I OUTRANKED them in job position and paycheck. Talk about newfound self-confidence! They ingratiated themselves to me, visited my new office and acted as if they were my new best friends. They even gave me sappy sentimental greeting cards which I chucked in the trash bin. I was merely civil while giving them the cold shoulder. They were so cruel to me during those horrid night shift years and now that "I had arrived" and prospered, suddenly they're ingratiating themselves to me? They tried so hard to get back into my good graces to no avail. Who had the last laugh now? The moral of my story is, if you want to go places in this life, you need to be "selfish" about it. Stop obsessing over what other people think. Succeed and prosper in that order just like I did. Then when you're in society, you'll be pushing through an open door. Suddenly, I had suitors galore and declined them because I was so darn busy enjoying my life to the hilt. Success attracts success. Suddenly, I was surrounded by other winners who were doing the same thing I was; ascending in this world. I rubbed elbows with the right people socially. I eventually married up and have two amazing sons. My husband is the love of my life. Make yourself attractive by becoming successful. Then you will turn heads without even trying just like I did. I could care less what other people thought. I was too busy having the time of my life! Self confidence makes you strong and comfortable within your own skin and then you'll become completely oblivious to others. You'll ooze high self esteem and self confidence unconsciously. Don't put too much stock into others. Go your own way in life and then it's like bees to honey without any effort whatsoever on your part. Be your own person. And, make yourself interesting with your career, ascension, take good care of your health, get fit, have hobbies, intellectual pursuits and you'll have that draw. People are attracted to content, self-confident, SECURE people. When you work on yourself, you'll let your success do all the talking. You don't have to say much. Self confidence and security will give you inner priceless peace. I was a later bloomer and became a swan. This can be you, too, peachypeach.
    1 point
  25. Here's the thing... You're friends, right? Ok so make this much more low-key, noncommittal like coffee and not like some who's-on-first dating games. This way you can get a sense of things. Why create all the angst when two friends can have coffee and if it stays friends, no harm no foul. If it leads to a more dating-like situation, great. If everyone and their ego retreats to their respective gender's corner...well the human race dies out. So in closing, save humanity and casually suggest getting coffee.
    1 point
  26. I would fake it till you make it - come up with silent mantras for yourself. At the risk of embarrassing myself, when I was dating and doing a lot of blind dates and first meets I'd often get stage fright when walking into the meeting place. I told myself "you are beautiful and glamorous and attending a tea party". One. I knew I was not beautiful or glamorous -I mean I had my moments in life when I felt that way but nope, not in that league. Two. I've only been to a few tea parties but to me they connote calm, serenity, pleasant socializing. I did this plus since i am short I made myself walk tall with a small smile on my face - not gushy just approachable. Was I being me? I guess not. But I needed that kind of push/motivation to get myself over the awkward spot. Nothing wrong with fake it till you make it IMO. And I agree to examine whether you're hypercritical of yourself, too. Most people are too worried about the impression they are making than how you are acting.
    1 point
  27. Being afraid of what others might think and obsessing about it is usually driven by your own unforgiving nature, meaning being a hyper critical, judgmental person yourself. You fear of what you do to others will be done to you. So it's not about loving yourself, it's about learning to be kinder and more forgiving. It's about accepting that everyone has flaws and that's being human. It's about learning how to be kinder and turning off your own inner critic.
    1 point
  28. Carus , I am only speaking as a woman who has been seriously assaulted. It is not a light matter .
    1 point
  29. Okay, so now he's a coward and spinless because he didn't take you once only offer and isn't humping your leg. Beyond the male shaming tactics because he is not jumping through the hoops you want him to, what is the harm in talking to him again? You don't have to ask him out, just see if there is some interest there that can be worked with. If you are interested, then what's the harm. But, if you just have to have the classic man who will do anything in his power just to get to know you, just because you are you, then this likely isn't him. He's shy, and he is allowed to be without being denegrated.
    1 point
  30. 1 point
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