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Showing content with the highest reputation on 12/12/2019 in all areas

  1. You are trying way too hard to hang on to him and making too many excuses. First of all, he cheated on you and you are trying to make him feel good about it. Think on the absurdity of that for a moment........ It's not your job to patch up the relationship. It's his job to patch things up with you and work hard to regain your trust. But he doesn't have to work, he betrayed you and you are just handing yourself, your trust, the relationship back to him on a platter. You might not recognize what you are doing, but you are basically competing for his attention and desperately clinging on.
    2 points
  2. Sounds like you didn’t heal that wound properly and just used the rebound bandaid.... However: Where in that statement does it say you should even think about getting back with that girl...!?? I do understand though. Emotional abuse is a strange beast. She probably love bombed you before the devaluing and discard happened and that is what we crave... Firstly I would break up with the current girlfriend and then spend at least 12 months single to clear the air and rebuild your life and mental state. Carus*
    2 points
  3. I broke that up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. Be optimistic. Given this is the woman you love and are planning to marry very soon, if you are feeling she is cold, why don't you ask her what is happening and give her the support she needs? You don't need to be blunt, just introduce the subject in a non-intense way. Maybe she just had a hard week at work and is feeling a bit tired.
    1 point
  4. He ended a marriage and started dating someone straight away. That was a marriage and he didn't even take time to be single. This isn't anything surprising unfortunately.
    1 point
  5. I have seen infidelity bring couples more closer together. The problem is, you are sweeping it under the rug, and he is traumatize by his own actions. Your let's move forward attitude is you rejecting his grief, and that is devastating. That's why he is the way he is emotionally, he can't move forward unless you both address this together. This needs to be talked about in many discussions of the how, why and what now.
    1 point
  6. Well ... It's who he is. He was rebounding and prob still is. Don't take it personally, it's not your fault he's a screwup. Separated is still married.
    1 point
  7. OP if you talk to anyone here that has been cheated on... this tends to be one of their most traumatic experiences... so I find it odd that you seem so oddly detached from your feelings around this. I say this because 6 to 8 weeks later, you are more concerned about how he feels than how you feel. You are overcompensating trying to make this work, to show him he is loved... meanwhile, he is walking around in a cloud of self-pity and shame, sucking the energy out of the relationship, not doing anything to move through his own feelings around this. I think it's big of you to forgive... an
    1 point
  8. Sounds like he's not into you, so sabatoge the relationship. That's why he told you, so will leave. That guilt he appears to show is really him not letting go the intimacy and familiarity, cuz if it was love, he wouldn't have made the choice to cheat on you. Whether tomorrow, or next week, you're still you, and he's still him, and will still face cheating on you as an option. What you are seeing is only the tip of his iceberg
    1 point
  9. Tough situation. First things first: I really like your attitude and approach to all this—says a lot about what you you're made of. Some may give you a lashing, given the emotion that cheating evokes, but I trust that you have a good handle on your feelings—and, by the sound of it, a good perspective on his. That he came forward on his own volition and took responsibility is a good start. Trouble here is that, right now, he doesn't quite share your mindset, by the sounds of it. This is why cheating, among many other reasons, can be so hard to come back from. It stirs so many feelings i
    1 point
  10. You both sound really miserable. What is the glue that holds you together? I am curious.
    1 point
  11. It's not really a question you have to ask, in those circumstances, but just a thing to observe. Let's say that this was a Bumble date, rather than an old friend who will always be linked to a very vulnerable moment in your past. The moment you heard the Bumble date talking about her last relationship—how done she was, but how he still had stuff at her place—is the moment you know your Bumble date is not dating material. She sounds like a very cool woman, from what you've outlined. She also sounds like a woman who is not remotely ready for romance, as she herself has made clear. Can you ac
    1 point
  12. No one is that busy. This is an indicator of your future. I don't understand why you are settling for a guy who won't even pick up the phone. Goof grief. . Don't marry the old man.
    1 point
  13. I disagree, and I think you are being too literal. The grief process is not linear; it can ebb and flow. So their advice does indeed apply.
    1 point
  14. She is not responsible for his unstable behavior. This type of thinking puts people in guilt and fixing modes as if she owes him something. She doesn't have to kiss or fix anyone.
    1 point
  15. Is your ex visible on your social media (any of your web pages)? Please be sensible about it and deal with those settings properly. If you have old items of hers or are still speaking to mutual friends and talking about her when she's not around or when your gf is not around, don't. It's normal to think about and wonder about people that have long gone in our lives. Without more information to go on, it seems these are fleeting memories. Tackle tangible things first like your social media, any gossiping (limit the gossip), return her old items or get rid of them. Your current girlfriend mi
    1 point
  16. Carus is probably right about being single for a while. But if you don't want to do that, you really need to purge the thought processes about the ex. Two things might be happening here. First you may get these thoughts (are they sharply intrusive?) because you have a form of PTSD from the toxic ex. That fades with time, and quicker with some therapy. Secondly, your subconscious is throwing up these memories in a an unfortunate attempt to feed your conscious self things that will make it feel better. Those, you have to work through. The related problem is fading affect bias - as time goe
    1 point
  17. You already said you're not going anywhere and want to make the marriage work. I get the feeling that you're trying to process the information and aren't sure how to handle what happened in the wake of the events. I think you both should try marriage counselling and try understanding where those violent outbursts begin with him. You say that you think you understand how to avoid them most of the time but this time you failed. I think that's where your sense of failure comes from. He has to work through those issues and violent outbursts. You should keep in mind every sane person who hears
    1 point
  18. This is the perfect example of someone who should work out all their pain and issues outside of a relationship, not in the middle of one and not at your expense. Based on everything you shared, he's not even date-able. You don't go into a relationship with this amount of unresolved stuff. 2 months in and it's already starting to smell bad. This is your queue to bow out. I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well? From him, yes. He's barely coping with himself He's not a bad guy
    1 point
  19. I'm trying to think back when I was in the dating phase. (I've been happily married for years.) When I was in my early 20s, I definitely did not belong on the cover of a magazine. I was very average-looking. However, I focused on my health, ate right, exercised a lot and took great care of myself. While doing all that, I also forged ahead with my career. I was the best that I could be and I couldn't care less about what any man thought. I never dated throughout my high school and college years while all the other girls did. I felt like an ugly duckling all my life. Then I said, "T
    1 point
  20. Ya whatever happened between them is not your business. It only becomes your business if one of the confesses to you.
    1 point
  21. 1 point
  22. The adults in the situation handled things the way they saw fit. Just because you're now an adult doesn't mean you have to be privy to how it was handled. Just as your parents shouldn't question you about your sex life, you shouldn't question them about theirs. No, don't upset Liz about your suspicions.
    1 point
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