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Showing content with the highest reputation on 12/12/2019 in all areas

  1. You are trying way too hard to hang on to him and making too many excuses. First of all, he cheated on you and you are trying to make him feel good about it. Think on the absurdity of that for a moment........ It's not your job to patch up the relationship. It's his job to patch things up with you and work hard to regain your trust. But he doesn't have to work, he betrayed you and you are just handing yourself, your trust, the relationship back to him on a platter. You might not recognize what you are doing, but you are basically competing for his attention and desperately clinging on. Second, cheating is more than just selfish, it's showing you the ultimate lack of respect. He took you for granted and he was right. Not only are there no consequences for him, you are turning yourself inside out to make it all OK. Your message to him is that you are so weak and codependent, that you will totally sweep cheating under the rug. Consider for a moment that the reason he has gone cold isn't that he is so guilt ridden as that he is taken aback by your lack of self worth. Yes, not how you see yourself, but how it looks to him. Third, what's already mentioned. Consider that perhaps he has been wanting out of this relationship, but doesn't have the guts to end it like a decent human being. So he cheated, then he told you about it - sabotaging the relationship thinking you'll dump him. Yet....here you still are clinging on. So now he is being distant and cold and...... you try to dance harder for his wandering attention - look at me, I'm pretty, I'm the perfect gf, cheat if you want, I'll love you no matter what you do to me, I'll cook and clean and arrange dates and pretend all is just perfect, I will not call you out on your bs, let alone dump you. What I'm getting at is that your generosity and instant forgiveness isn't quite as clean as you think it is and might not be interpreted like you think. At the same time, it's quite a normal reaction many women have to this situation - try harder because the rejection of cheating hurts badly and you want to prove to him, show him what he stands to lose - wonderful you. Problem is, it doesn't work and once the shock wears off, you will wonder every time he is late or gone out with friends or whatever, just what he is doing and with who. You just aren't there yet. The only cure for cheating is what you aren't ready to do yet - consequences....specifically kicking him out of your life and finding a guy who actually has character. Cheaters don't. The whole "he confessed" so it makes it OK to cheat is absurd. Sorry. I know it's reading harsh to you and not at all what you want to hear, but I hope at some point you'll remember what I wrote...when you are ready for it.
    2 points
  2. Sounds like you didn’t heal that wound properly and just used the rebound bandaid.... However: Where in that statement does it say you should even think about getting back with that girl...!?? I do understand though. Emotional abuse is a strange beast. She probably love bombed you before the devaluing and discard happened and that is what we crave... Firstly I would break up with the current girlfriend and then spend at least 12 months single to clear the air and rebuild your life and mental state. Carus*
    2 points
  3. I broke that up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. Be optimistic. Given this is the woman you love and are planning to marry very soon, if you are feeling she is cold, why don't you ask her what is happening and give her the support she needs? You don't need to be blunt, just introduce the subject in a non-intense way. Maybe she just had a hard week at work and is feeling a bit tired.
    1 point
  4. He ended a marriage and started dating someone straight away. That was a marriage and he didn't even take time to be single. This isn't anything surprising unfortunately.
    1 point
  5. I have seen infidelity bring couples more closer together. The problem is, you are sweeping it under the rug, and he is traumatize by his own actions. Your let's move forward attitude is you rejecting his grief, and that is devastating. That's why he is the way he is emotionally, he can't move forward unless you both address this together. This needs to be talked about in many discussions of the how, why and what now.
    1 point
  6. Well ... It's who he is. He was rebounding and prob still is. Don't take it personally, it's not your fault he's a screwup. Separated is still married.
    1 point
  7. OP if you talk to anyone here that has been cheated on... this tends to be one of their most traumatic experiences... so I find it odd that you seem so oddly detached from your feelings around this. I say this because 6 to 8 weeks later, you are more concerned about how he feels than how you feel. You are overcompensating trying to make this work, to show him he is loved... meanwhile, he is walking around in a cloud of self-pity and shame, sucking the energy out of the relationship, not doing anything to move through his own feelings around this. I think it's big of you to forgive... and I think it shows your capacity to have empathy.... I also think it's a little bit of denial, codependency, and low self-esteem on your part that you are minimizing your feelings about this just two months later. Intuitively, you suspect that he will either do this again or is behaving this way in order to get you to break up with him. I wonder if it goes back further and he thought that if he told you about the cheating, you would break up on the spot... he probably never considered that you would want to stay in the relationship. Proceed with caution, honor your feelings, and if he doesn't change... give him what he wants.
    1 point
  8. Sounds like he's not into you, so sabatoge the relationship. That's why he told you, so will leave. That guilt he appears to show is really him not letting go the intimacy and familiarity, cuz if it was love, he wouldn't have made the choice to cheat on you. Whether tomorrow, or next week, you're still you, and he's still him, and will still face cheating on you as an option. What you are seeing is only the tip of his iceberg
    1 point
  9. Tough situation. First things first: I really like your attitude and approach to all this—says a lot about what you you're made of. Some may give you a lashing, given the emotion that cheating evokes, but I trust that you have a good handle on your feelings—and, by the sound of it, a good perspective on his. That he came forward on his own volition and took responsibility is a good start. Trouble here is that, right now, he doesn't quite share your mindset, by the sounds of it. This is why cheating, among many other reasons, can be so hard to come back from. It stirs so many feelings in both people, and often those feelings are at odds with each other. While most often it is the person cheated on who just can't let it go, as you're learning sometimes it's the other way around. Your situation reminds me a bit of a close friend of mine, who cheated on his girlfriend—one time thing, selfish choice—and then told her. She processed it pretty quickly, was ready to move forward. He tried, couldn't. It was like he couldn't accept that someone would accept the awful choice he made—and, in the end, he broke up with her. Interesting footnote to that story: Five years later they reconnected, today are raising two children in what I'd say is one of the best marriages I've ever seen. But I digress... I think you have to just keep doing what you're doing, moving forward with compassion to both you, him, and the divide between you. Can he join you on that path? That's the lingering question, and one that will be answered in time—not through endless rehashing of the past, the guilt, the shame, the feelings. If he continues veering down that road—waking in the middle of the night and then moaning about it all in the morning—what I'd say is that you tell him, calmly, that you'd like him to talk to a therapist about it, so you're not cast in that role. There's a line, not so thin, where circular "communication" about such matters just magnifies the very thing that needs to be moved away from. This is a hard path, no two ways around it. Most can't walk it, but many do. You kind of have to accept that it's a process, ongoing, and that the big question on both your minds (Will we work again?) isn't going to be answered tomorrow or next week, but over the next few months. The answer might not be the one you want, which is the hardest part of all this, since only he can figure out if he can forgive himself as you have. But that's where the faith comes in. There are times in all relationships where one person is more sure of things than the other, and right now, despite him being the one who veered off course, that's the role you've got to be okay playing for a while. Think you can hold the line a bit longer, while steering him to address these matters with a third party? It's himself he's reckoning with at the moment, not you, and sometimes we all need some help with that.
    1 point
  10. You both sound really miserable. What is the glue that holds you together? I am curious.
    1 point
  11. It's not really a question you have to ask, in those circumstances, but just a thing to observe. Let's say that this was a Bumble date, rather than an old friend who will always be linked to a very vulnerable moment in your past. The moment you heard the Bumble date talking about her last relationship—how done she was, but how he still had stuff at her place—is the moment you know your Bumble date is not dating material. She sounds like a very cool woman, from what you've outlined. She also sounds like a woman who is not remotely ready for romance, as she herself has made clear. Can you accept both those truths and continue to reconnect?
    1 point
  12. No one is that busy. This is an indicator of your future. I don't understand why you are settling for a guy who won't even pick up the phone. Goof grief. . Don't marry the old man.
    1 point
  13. I disagree, and I think you are being too literal. The grief process is not linear; it can ebb and flow. So their advice does indeed apply.
    1 point
  14. She is not responsible for his unstable behavior. This type of thinking puts people in guilt and fixing modes as if she owes him something. She doesn't have to kiss or fix anyone.
    1 point
  15. Is your ex visible on your social media (any of your web pages)? Please be sensible about it and deal with those settings properly. If you have old items of hers or are still speaking to mutual friends and talking about her when she's not around or when your gf is not around, don't. It's normal to think about and wonder about people that have long gone in our lives. Without more information to go on, it seems these are fleeting memories. Tackle tangible things first like your social media, any gossiping (limit the gossip), return her old items or get rid of them. Your current girlfriend might be pressuring you in other ways for more commitment or the relationship may be rocky too. Is it? You mentioned growing distant from your girlfriend. Work on your relationship now. Couples don't magically remain close. It takes work and time and patience and whole lot of the holy baby Jesus sometimes. Be grateful for all the things you do have. If this relationship isn't for you, look at the reasons why. Don't run away from the difficult parts and start looking for escapes again.
    1 point
  16. Carus is probably right about being single for a while. But if you don't want to do that, you really need to purge the thought processes about the ex. Two things might be happening here. First you may get these thoughts (are they sharply intrusive?) because you have a form of PTSD from the toxic ex. That fades with time, and quicker with some therapy. Secondly, your subconscious is throwing up these memories in a an unfortunate attempt to feed your conscious self things that will make it feel better. Those, you have to work through. The related problem is fading affect bias - as time goes by you remember good things, not bad. The good news is that it is never too late to do the work and get past this. If you have time to sit around thinking about the ex, then you also have time to do extra things that improve you as a person (and will as a big bonus improve your current relationship!). Increase your exercise program, taking some cooking classes and cook your GF some beautiful meals, etc. Another technique is to assign a certain period of minutes to thinking about the ex at a certain time. And, when you do, you divide that time and use at least 50% of it to think about the bad things she did, as well as the fonder memories. This actually helps train your subconscious not to give you intrusive thoughts. It is important though, that you vent theses feelings, and not suppress them. Venting in this case does not mean talking to your current GF, but if you have a therapist or counselor, talk to them about it. I would not say you definitely need to be single to get through this process, although it probably makes things less complicated. Here is a suggestion: When you get home from work, go for a walk/run, and assign 20 minutes (only) to sit on a park bench and think of all the bad things the ex did. Then go home and cook your GF a beautiful dinner and make love to her passionately. Do not let your Ex ruin your current relationship.
    1 point
  17. You already said you're not going anywhere and want to make the marriage work. I get the feeling that you're trying to process the information and aren't sure how to handle what happened in the wake of the events. I think you both should try marriage counselling and try understanding where those violent outbursts begin with him. You say that you think you understand how to avoid them most of the time but this time you failed. I think that's where your sense of failure comes from. He has to work through those issues and violent outbursts. You should keep in mind every sane person who hears of violence in a relationship will advise you to leave and not to tolerate physical abuse of that nature. You're toeing the line in your desire to understand your husband more and make sense of your own feelings of inadequacy as a partner. Please take care of yourself and speak to a therapist or counsellor even if you need to. It sounds like your marriage is very volatile and unpredictable. Stay away from the alcohol.
    1 point
  18. This is the perfect example of someone who should work out all their pain and issues outside of a relationship, not in the middle of one and not at your expense. Based on everything you shared, he's not even date-able. You don't go into a relationship with this amount of unresolved stuff. 2 months in and it's already starting to smell bad. This is your queue to bow out. I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well? From him, yes. He's barely coping with himself He's not a bad guy, but he is a guy who at this point in time is not a place where he has anything to offer someone emotionally. Not until he works through some of his stuff, alone or even better, with a therapist. And that's not you.
    1 point
  19. I'm trying to think back when I was in the dating phase. (I've been happily married for years.) When I was in my early 20s, I definitely did not belong on the cover of a magazine. I was very average-looking. However, I focused on my health, ate right, exercised a lot and took great care of myself. While doing all that, I also forged ahead with my career. I was the best that I could be and I couldn't care less about what any man thought. I never dated throughout my high school and college years while all the other girls did. I felt like an ugly duckling all my life. Then I said, "To heck with it. I'll simply concentrate on my own life." Well, gradually and eventually, one day, a funny thing happened. Suddenly, without any effort on my part, I was garnering attention from men. Whenever I attended any social gathering or workplace event, I was surrounded by men. They were incredibly attracted to my achievements and my fast track life. I also realized that they too were busy doing the same thing. Success attracts success. It was like bees to honey and I didn't even have to try. All my life I thought it would never happen and I suddenly had more suitors than I knew what to do with. I was asked out frequently. Sometimes I declined, I told them I was very busy which was the truth and I had the world by the tail. Self confidence is awfully attractive. Never preoccupy yourself with another woman or what she has. Enrich your mind, go your own way with your life, build your own high self confidence and you will have that draw. Don't care about her. Head held high! I've also found that I feel super strong and tough whenever I'm in my routine workout groove. I keep it up without fail and feel invincible. Suddenly you could care less about others. Be into yourself and everyone else in the background becomes nothing but a blur. Change the way you think and you can do this by making yourself super healthy. Also, develop other interests of your own outside your BF. (Hobbies, sports, outings, friends, charitable good works, etc.) Never make your BF your whole life nor preoccupy yourself as only being part of a pair. Develop your own individualism and you will become a secure, happier person. You ought to try it!
    1 point
  20. Ya whatever happened between them is not your business. It only becomes your business if one of the confesses to you.
    1 point
  21. 1 point
  22. The adults in the situation handled things the way they saw fit. Just because you're now an adult doesn't mean you have to be privy to how it was handled. Just as your parents shouldn't question you about your sex life, you shouldn't question them about theirs. No, don't upset Liz about your suspicions.
    1 point
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