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Showing content with the highest reputation on 08/19/2019 in all areas

  1. Smile and respond "Duly noted" and then turn and get back to work. Respond the same way each time, just be a brick wall. Dim simpletons like her are just looking for drama and fights. They enjoy the reaction they get from others. So don't give her anyway the second you get angry or blow up, she "wins". Don't let her "win".
    2 points
  2. Did he drive drunk? If so, you are BOTH very irresponsible!! Second, lesson learned for you. Never ever try to "resolve" any issues while you are intoxicated. It will never end well. Third, never make someone feel guilty for wanting to leave a situation that they feel uncomfortable in. It's emotional abuse.
    2 points
  3. Hi everyone, This has been bothering me for about two weeks and I cannot stop myself from thinking about this. I am sorry for this long post and I appreciate everyone time. So I have been dating this guy for almost two months now. I am 30 years old and he is 32, and he is financially secure. He broke up with his 9-year ex almost a year ago and has not dating anyone since. He wanted to have kid with her, she agreed to but he found out later she was on pill. She already had someone else but he was taking care of her so she did not let him know. They broke up, and he seems to still feel hurt from the breakup. When we started talking, I did not feel much about him. We kept meeting for about two weeks and he had to go on a business trip for a week. During that week, I started feeling differently about him. I have not felt that with anyone I dated after my first long-term boyfriend and I realized I liked him a lot. Before he returned from the trip, he texted me and told me he found himself thinking about me all the time, and since he broke up with his ex last year, he never thought he would feel that with anyone, but now he does, and he wanted to see where this relationship goes with me. We have not yet brought up the exclusivity topic because I believe he is a honest person, and when he said he would like to see where this relationship goes with me, I assume he wanted exclusivity. I made it known to him I wanted a long term relationship. At the beginning, he asked me out often and would call every night to say good night. After a month, he no longer initiates a plan for us to meet. If I tell him I'll come over during the weekend, he will say yes and he is very happy when I come over, but if I do not say anything, he won't ask either. He also rarely calls anymore but tells me I can call him anytime. He never makes plans to go out anymore so unless I want to go somewhere, we will just stay home watching Netflix. I do enjoy my time with him and he seems so as he told me a few times that he is a simple man and he just loves simple things in life, and he enjoys the day with me even if we are not doing anything. When I come over, he makes me breakfast when we wake up, he makes sure I am comfortable at his house and he pays most of the time when we go out to eat or get snacks. I asked him once if he would like us to spend the two day weekends together, he said he could only give me one day because he needed a day to clean up the house, if I were at his house both days he could not do anything. I respected that because we both work full time and I know there are things he needs to take care of before he gets back to work, but it makes me also sad because we are not spending much time together. The only thing that has not changed is we text everyday. He texts me "good morning" everyday and "good night" when we go to bed, and random things in between during the day. The whole "not planning" thing bothered me too much so I asked him two weeks ago what his preference was for us to meet, whether he wanted to meet during the week or just weekends. I told him I enjoy coming over just to be with him, I really do, but I would like him to tell me he wanted to spend time with me because it made me feel wanted and not that I was taking his time away when he did not want it. I did not want him to offer me to come over out of politeness for me. [i asked that because it happened to me before that the guy just found hard to say no to me so he kept agreeing to me coming over, until a day I asked him if he really wanted to see me and he said no, he just did not know how to tell me]. He told me he would love to see me, he enjoyed having me over and just spending time with me and he promised to voice that more often. But since that day, there is not much change from his end. My brother told me guys are like this when they are comfortable in a relationship. I understand because my ex boyfriend was like him but it was about a year into the relationship, not two months. I am okay with making plans but I am tired of having to plan all the time and he seems to be under the assumption that I will always come over, or I will call if he does not. Is this behavior normal in a new relationship, or am I too needy and asking too much of him when we are still getting to know each other? I feel somehow his guard is still up because he is still hurt from his breakup and so he does not want to open up too easily. I thought of just relaxing, enjoying the time with him and giving the relationship more time. My friends told me it is still very early, but because it is early, I do not want to be led on and stay with someone who is not serious about a long term relationship. I also feel I am more invested in the relationship than he is. I am just so confused because his words and actions do not seem to match, but I am also wondering if this is just how guys are.
    1 point
  4. I don't think it is worth it. They have only dated two months, and he dropped interest after a month. Also, he is recently out of a 9 year relationship. I think she is a rebound. She should cut her losses and learn from this experience . I believe the previous bf, was also recently out of something serious. This seems to be a pattern: being a rebound and choosing unavailable men. OP, I would address your availability, as your choices are setting you up for failure. And as Kat and Wisey suggested, pull back in your dating. Don't be so eager
    1 point
  5. You seriously can't think of any other reason he wouldn't want to be at the after party where his ex would be, after you 1) asked about her before going to the wedding 2) went off on him about another girl touching his hand and 3) were irritated he didn't tell you when he noticed his ex was at the wedding? He was trying to be CONSIDERATE of your feelings! You WERE the reason you couldn't go. Because you were extra jealous that night and he thought going to a more intimate setting would probably make things worse for you.
    1 point
  6. Well, you did the wrong thing, but at least you're aware of it. Most likely, it will just blow over. Don't dwell on it. You got drunk and acted like an ass. These things happen. Learn from your mistake. Don't get into big discussions when one or both of you is drunk. I also thing you ought to lighten up a bit about his ex. You're jumping at shadows with her. Listen, if decides to cheat, nothing you do will stop him from doing so. It has nothing to do with you, so free yourself of that burden. Worrying about that sort of stuff just makes life miserable. I don't know why he held that other girl's hand. I don't think it means anything. People do all sorts of meaningless things when they are drinking.
    1 point
  7. The event seems more trouble than it was worth. I feel like your personalities clash quite a lot and he's a bit more outgoing and fluid than you are which is fine but what is not fine is if both of you don't establish clear boundaries about what's acceptable or not (hand holding or flirting with another woman may not be appropriate to you and that's acceptable - remember, it's what the both of you establish). Your danger is in appearing too controlling and his is in not being able to anticipate gray areas and carefully sidestep them. If either of you are not more respectful of the other, this relationship will eventually cause one or both of you to feel stifled or unheard/neglected. I do not feel either of you were wrong or unreasonable but I think both of you can learn and come together more closely as a couple. In future you can do these things: -be more choosy in the events you attend -resist personalities that are not compatible with you whether dating or friends -avoid persisting in conversations late into the night in general (alcohol or no) -be cognizant and committed to targeting the uncomfortable situations rather than each other The goal is to recognize first (acknowledge each other and your differences), understand the issue (if there's an issue) and share clear thoughts with each other in an effort to solve the issue without breaking each other down. Try and get to the heart of the problems. I hope this helps.
    1 point
  8. I am not sure you fully understand how unreasonable you were. I think you are afraid right now and willing to agree to anything but I don't think you are remorseful for the multiple situations you put him in. Was he seriously supposed to run to you and announce the ex was there? Given the tension prior, I'd be frightened to tell you. You put him a `damned if you, damned if you don't' position. There was no right thing to do for you here. You created tension over the ex being there before hand. It's obvious you are insecure about it, but you don't understand why you'd be excluded from an after party that included her? Men absolutely hate dramatic meltdowns. Him leaving so bad doesn't get worse was the best idea, yet you punish him for being insensitive to your dramatic insecure meltdown? I hope for your sake he comes back. I hope for your sake you learn from this.
    1 point
  9. Good grief. How does he put up with you? Why don't you just put a webcam around his neck so that you can keep track of everyone he talks to? You say he wouldn't cheat on you, and yet you treat him like a criminal. You hold him accountable for what his friend says. You need to get over this insane jealousy or it will be the end of your relationship, if it isn't already over.
    1 point
  10. What are you doing to try to get a handle on your unreasonable jealousy and tantrums? Hopefully you don't get drunk very often as it seems to exacerbate your extreme jealousy.
    1 point
  11. Sorry this happened. Lovers quarrel, it's the nature of the beast. Try to stop revisiting it and let it blow over. Live and learn. Now keep your eyes open. If you see any more unwanted behavior, fights etc start reconsidering things Of course this usually goes hand in hand but it's a deadly combination:
    1 point
  12. Wiseman’s replies are always so very grounded and I have seen him say the “don’t give her money!!” line many times on many threads!!! [emoji23] If you want a swift kick in the a**, go to Wiseman to tell you how it is! Or Catfeeder!! Or a few consistent others! [emoji4]
    1 point
  13. It is too early to be this comfortable. You should NOT be the one always initiating plans, it should be 50/50. I also would not be cool seeing someone once a week The worst bit, the at home dates. NO WAY! Does he still bring up the ex? I could never deal with someone like this. LAZY! But, you are also a part of the problem by doing everything. I think that the has minimal interest, and you are a rebound. Sorry. Find someone who will treat you as you should be treated.
    1 point
  14. One of the many highlights of being male is that we still are given the opportunity to choose whomever we would like to attempt to date. Sure, maybe around 97% will decline a date. So what. Ask another. There are a couple billion of them on the planet. Despite all of the girl power bravado that seems to be big this past decade, not much has changed. Males are still expected to initiate. I couldn't imagine a world of being limited to whomever asks or being dependent on the vague flirting rituals of women, but that seems to be what the majority of women prefer. Yes, women have approached me and none of them were remotely ones I would want to date. So while you can gather all the you're-okay, be-positive phrases you want to hear, the reality is that you have 2 options. Stay in a limited, secure comfort zone in which you wait forever for a woman to do all of the dating work for you so you don't ever have someone decline a date with you. Or start developing social skills through group activities (meetup), volunteer, whatever to feel more comfortable around women, establish connections, and begin to ask them out.
    1 point
  15. It never used to be like this. Women used to initiate contact with men first, in a round about way, to get them to chase and then allow men to take it from there. But in the last century or so, things have changed and now women sit back more and wait for then men to come to them, then complain they are only get approached by players and that there aren't any good men out there. A classic example is the hankerchief drop. A girl who liked a guy would find a way to drop a hanky near him as she walked past. And in being chivarous by returning said hanky she got him to come to her a conversation started and things went from there. This almost tricked him into thinking he was initiating even though it was her who chose him. I was actually watching a clip on this today on youtube which told of how women are strong, empowered, and know what they want with everything else, but for some reason have stopped being when it has come to choosing a partner. An example was given, on shopping for a dress. A women goes into a store, wades through racks to choose a bunch of dresses, settles on a bunch, takes them into the changing room, tries them all on until she finally comes to a decision and then takes that one and buys it. But if a woman shopped like she attracts men, she would walk into a dress store and hope a dress comes up to her. When and why did it change? Who knows. I am long term single because I desire to be. Sure, one day I might meet someone, but to be honest, I'm too busy to chase every woman that looks half attractive in hopes of getting a date. Dating is supposed to be fun, apparently, but honestly, I don't really find it that amazing that I would do it more regularly. I have a busy like, I'm happy, why focus on doing something that aint that fun.
    1 point
  16. It is hard to be sure what's going on but his behaviour staying at his house watching netflix if you don't suggest meeting up tells me that he's either not that much into you or he's still a bit down from the previous break up. My guess would be the latter. It can happen a lot that after some time after a hurtful break up, we find someone we really connect with only to start comparing that person to (and missing) the ex a bit later on. From your description, his break up was one of the terrible kind and I would assume he still might not be entirely emotionally available. I would suggest you back off just a little and give him a bit of breathing air. You're not even officially in a relationship yet so it kind of makes me believe you are indeed pushing a bit. The ebst kind of relationships have a healthy balance between who initiates contact, suggests activities, etc. If you're sensing he doesn't care much about it, maybe distance a bit and let him actually miss you and see if he takes some action. See what happens. It might be the end of it but if that's the case, it wouldn't have gone far anyway. Guys who are truly interested make their interest known, unless they're players or have better options (in this case he wouldn't be that interested ayway). Unless he's depressed or something, which he may very well be from the way you describe him being happy just doing nothing all the time.
    1 point
  17. This is pretty much the crux of it. Telling him will have a good chance of breaking up your marriage so think carefully about the future and what you want from it.
    1 point
  18. I think that is wise. Catfeeder’s response was beautifully put as usual. As someone that has been in this situation (eh hem, more than once), I can tell you that continuing to hang out with someone you have feelings for is a repeated poke in the eye and at times it can feel as deep as a red hot poker to the soul if you want to go into the hyperbole that I have felt at times. If someone is straight and you absolutely know this, there is no point whatsoever to hoping. Other people are perhaps bi or bicurious but, for instance, if a woman was totally into you and kept hanging out with you hoping you would “turn straight,” we both know (if you are like me), that she would be barking up the wrong tree. I am fully gay. It sounds like you are too. If your guy is straight, then have the boundaries that you need to have in order to not be constantly hurt. I have been in an almost identical situation and as someone that is 46 years old and been around the block many times, I can promise you, it’s not fun or pretty to love someone and hope that they love you back only for them to not ever do that. I was a young boundryless lesbian - not proud of it.
    1 point
  19. Yes. The whole point of meeting someone is to learn whether you'll want more interaction, or not. If you've already learned that the answer is not, then you can shut down interaction in any way that's best for you.
    1 point
  20. Insecure men will drain you. They have zero self esteem and depend on outside validation from others to feel good about themselves. So when you are not available to fill his needs/voids, he will seek attention and praise elsewhere. Besides, once you leave him alone and meet a man that is confident( not faking it behind a mask) those types of guys wont even appeal to you at all.
    1 point
  21. Yes, thank you. I have asked and they have all said that I am far too worried and sensitive about how I come across. I probably should have worded the title and description differently as apparently, the way that I did it made 10 straight people come out of the woodwork with their judgements and telling me that I CONSTANTLY talk about my sexuality which is not what I said. Also, Holly? Do you NEVER bring up other people in your conversations? I find that very hard to believe. If you are able to accomplish this, then good for you for living so in the present.
    1 point
  22. It is important to retain the power to approve of yourself. Do not let anyone else have that power. Resist the urge to let someone else be responsible for telling you that you are lovable. It is our job to tell ourselves that we are lovable. To believe ourselves. To fearlessly act out that truth and prove it to ourselves.
    1 point
  23. I feared that if I told him I lived with my parents he would quickly pick up on the fact that we don't have a healthy relationship, If he picked up on you not having a healthy relationship, then its up to him to decide of you are a sweet, well adjusted person and just have some jerks in the family or he decides he doesn't want that dynamic. Its not where you come from, its what you do with it. If you are ashamed that you live with your parents, then move. But don't play it both ways -- tell your boyfriend how terrible your parents are and how abusive but then be doing nothing to change your dilemma by moving. He has proven that he doesn't have an unhealthy white knight complex and may have thought that is what you are fishing for. On the other hand, if you make the free choice of living with your folks, then don't share every single negative detail. make the best of it and don't use a boyfriend as a therapist.
    1 point
  24. Yes, this: "She doesn't just end up in your bed, you either invite her or you allow her, so I'd rethink that."
    1 point
  25. That must be so difficult. It speaks to your good heart that you have empathy for him and the situation even though it's not been an easy road for you with them.
    1 point
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