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Showing content with the highest reputation on 05/14/2019 in all areas

  1. Really sorry you're going through all this, but it seems that you have a really strong side to you that will cope no matter what, and that will really see you through the process of dealing with a pile of complex, contradictory and agonising emotions. I had an absolutely terrible relationship with my mother, too. She had post-natal psychosis after I was born, and in those days mental health patients didn't get to take their babies into hospital with them; she will quite freely admit "The bonding just never happened". As a kid I was forever trying to please her, but she was absolutely vil
    2 points
  2. When people talk about the fact that long term relationships require work, that's exactly what they are talking about. It's not about clinging on and persevering through constant arguments and incompatibilities, it's about learning how to keep that romantic fire going. That's the part that takes work and it's too easy to become complacent, to get lost in being a dad/mom, get lost in chores, and soccer practice, and school lunches, and bills, and so on. Different couples do different things. Some make a point of having a weekly date night. Others go on an adults only trip once a year or so,
    2 points
  3. I doubt your situation is all that unique, what is unique is your honesty and openness about it and with yourself. What we see here mostly is people that have cheated or been cheated on because of something like this or other destructive behavior that ultimately kills the marriage. Like they didn't know how to fix it and were to chicken too face their spouse so they sabotage the marriage until there is only one option left which is divorce. I seriously doubt when you did counseling last time you had a full grasp of what was missing or going on so I strongly suggest you set up some marriag
    2 points
  4. It's typical finish line fatigue, and I went through it during the end of both my bachelor's and master's. Don't allow a temper tantrum to rob you of everything for which you've worked so hard. My method was not very orthodox, but it worked for me: I bribed myself into my sessions of study, completing assignments and writing my thesis with a nice icy screwdriver or a rum and coke. It helped me to loosen up and write past the dreaded blank page. Key was to go 'bLAt!' on the pages and type my heart out--then I'd print the thing and leave it for edits the next day while stone sober. But AFT
    1 point
  5. Also, just wanted to add that some of my biggest and proudest achievements were following some of the more stressful times in my life. Did I want to bail at times? Absolutely. But I knew I’d regret it. At the same time, I knew that once I got through the stressful times, they would be some of the biggest accomplishments of my life. Life definitely has it’s stressful moments, but it’s these experiences that have helped me build character, strength, and confidence (although it may not feel this way AS I’m experiencing extreme stress and it’s difficult to see the positive when I’m stressed t
    1 point
  6. I concur with melancholy123.
    1 point
  7. When someone is trying to create some space between the two of you, it's not a good idea to continue to repeatedly to close in on that space. I am sorry. I can hear how disappointed and confused you are. But your friend wants space and there is nothing you can do but respect that. To continue to push will only drive him further away. I get you feel you had some sort of commitment with him, but things often change and life goes in a different direction sometimes. He changed his course for what ever reason and to continuing to chase someone who's walking away will only hurt you mor
    1 point
  8. HI, I think you need to give him some space. I know its super hard and hurtful you must miss him a lot. However, the more you call and try with him and he's not showing you the same attention its going to hurt even more. Keep yourself busy and let him come to you. Right now he's not contacting you so he's not ready to fight for your relationship. So give him some space and time and let him come to you when he's ready to explain. In the meantime keep yourself busy spend more time with family and other friends. The less you focus on your phone and his replies the easier it will be. Also no on
    1 point
  9. Good luck ironi. Remember that there are loads of people - loads! - who WILL validate you while you learn to validate yourself. Nothing wrong with a bit of support! xxx
    1 point
  10. I don't know you, but I am so proud of you! You've been through hell. I have a really bad relationship with my mother and I can relate somewhat. Sad to say, your case is worse. BUT, I'm commenting to tell you, wholeheartedly, contrary to popular belief, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOVE YOUR MOTHER. Have that on repeat. As far as I understand, you have a good group of friends. This is your family. This is your tribe. You sound like an accomplished woman despite the fact that you been through hell. I'm proud. I have severed my relationship with my mom and get all the support from my real family, my
    1 point
  11. Who knows what he's thinking, it doesn't matter. Just follow his lead, don't push for anything. Learn to adapt to the changing nuances and remain open and flexible. Stop asking him questions about his feelings, where is this going, what it means, etc, ugh. In short, just let him "be" and follow his lead. Do not push! Or you'll lose him. You'll get your answer in due course, in the meantime, stay busy and try to not be too attached to the outcome.
    1 point
  12. Sounds like you're stuck in a rut. I'm married with 2 kids. I had a GREAT dog but she recently passed away. Go back in your memory and remember how both of you were as a couple when you were young. Put the spark back into your marriage. Go on date nights, take daily walks together and enjoy good times together without being lumped with kids all the time. Take walks together with the dog every night. Also, take good care of your health. If you don't workout regularly and eat right, it's so easy to become a very negative person. Whenever I take better care of my health, I'm more p
    1 point
  13. What does it matter now? He's a done deal. It was a blessing in disguise that he initiated the break up with you. He's obviously not the type of man who will respect and honor you so it's just as well that he's no more. Keep in mind, what he did to you, he will do to the next woman in due time. You should say in your mind, "good riddance!" Stop being curious about him. Move on and be with a high quality man in the future.
    1 point
  14. You titled your post not having any real love. With the exception of sex, you do have a very loving marriage. It just is lacking in sex and romance. So just be clear on that. Marriages of long duration rarely maintain that type passion you describe without a concerted effort on your both your parts to create it. So what you have here is a relatively normal marriage. A good one at that. You can blow it all up and find some passion in something new, but you will trade that for the exact same thing, probably minus the amazing partner, wife, mother and family as you, yourself describe.
    1 point
  15. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to hating your modules and the stress. Firstly, WELL DONE for taking all of this on. The fact you have done well with your assignment shows that your doing something right. Honestly if I was in your position I would hire a tutor, (not that you need one) or a study buddy. Just to make the assignments and work a little bit more bearable. When I was at Uni and about to give up in my final year I got a tutor and he became my therapist, friend and teacher. Just keep reminding yourself why your doing this and its only temporary. Then how amazing your going t
    1 point
  16. To your original post OP, I don't see anything wrong with arranging to meet and visit this woman. But you said she's willing to move and marry you "if you're compatible." Can I ask how you hope/plan to find out whether or not you're compatible? Even if two individuals would both like to settle down and start a family, that doesn't mean it should be with each other.
    1 point
  17. You want to marry this woman, but are not even willing to go to her home country? But, it is okay for her to make the trip. What a gentleman you are.
    1 point
  18. You've got two weeks to go, and then you can put that module behind you for ever. It IS relevant, because it's part of your degree. Quite apart from that, you only know what's relevant in hindsight - this may not be part of your particular area of interest right now, but you never know what will happen in the future. Something may come up in two years, five years, ten years time which calls on knowledge you're dismissing right now. (For example, a school friend of mine failed her 'O' Level German very badly - didn't even get a grade, just 'Unclassified'. She dismissed it, saying that she w
    1 point
  19. Just going to chime in with another yes to this. If OP was healthy and confident—not just in how she looks, but also past the surface and into the spirit—she wouldn't really be thrown by him looking at hollow-core Kardashian clones on his phone or being cruel and insensitive when she tries to talk about it. She'd simply see all that as lame and childish and a waste of her time, rather than a verdict on her butt, value as a human being, and/or the sort of "issue" you "work through" in the name of "love." What does OP want from us? Well, it seems to me that she wants exactly the same
    1 point
  20. As a lovely ex-student of mine put it: "Is negging a thing, or is it just being a p***k?"
    1 point
  21. I agree with the pick up artist community of losers and their tactics of using insecurity to their advantage, but an abuser doesn’t make someone needy or insecure they feed and nurture that insecurity and neediness but it was already there it has to be or they wouldn’t get in. Just like vampires you know the legend they can’t get in unless you invite them in. As you said Kat the negging simply doesn’t work on you, it doesn’t work on healthy people. Abusers cannot get to healthy people, they are never invited in. The unfortunate reality is these two are feeding off of each other. Healthy men
    1 point
  22. I am so sorry. I worked too (several jobs) to pay my way through studies. This will definitely sound cliche but you've got to pull yourself together and remain positive. You seem like you may be at the height of stress at the moment so this might be very difficult. A lot of about stress management means learning to recognize and target triggers and causes of stress/anxiety in order to be more effective. While I was working and studying, I discovered that by combining my hobbies with the potential to earn extra income, I was not only minimizing stress, I was also building on skills that we
    1 point
  23. I agree with Wiseman2, that was the best way to handle it. It's not worth putting your marriage at risk.
    1 point
  24. OP, you got good advice from the other posters. I wrote my dissertation and worked at the same time for two months so i understand (kind of) where you are coming from. What I would do in your shoes : I would take 5 days off work before the exams and concentrate 100% on the exams. I wouldn't get involved with any non-related activities and I wouldn't go out with friends until the exams. When you want to take a break, take a 30 minutes walk around the area. This is how I cope, it doesn't mean it will be effective for you, just offering my opinion. PS. You are studying engineering if
    1 point
  25. You keep saying the module is irrelevant, but it isn’t. It is really relevant if you want the degree . Would it help if you stop looking at it as irrelevant ? Because it really is relevant . No learning is pointless .
    1 point
  26. Completely agree with everything I just want to say that you can actually help people on this forum too. It really helps me. I don't know how much I help others truly, but sometimes just stating that you understand is enough. It's fulfilling and constructive, we're all on this together. "W-enotlone" ha!
    1 point
  27. There is no right way to heal and it always takes time and hurts. Things I've learned from experience: - take time to grieve and be gentle with yourself - total no contact: no texting, no calling, no social media stalking (I even suggest deleting them from all social media). If they don't respect that you want time and space, tell them directly that you want no contact. If they don't respect it don't engage with them. Block if necessary - Don't engage in stuff like drinking or hook ups or one night stands while you're still healing. That will set you back contrary to popular believe
    1 point
  28. Having gone through something similar, I can say your husband will be devastated. It will take him years to recover, and the thing is, there is very little support for the straight spouse. He gave you a portion of his life he will never get back. What you did was, sorry to say, selfish. Had he known you were a lesbian, it is highly unlikely he would have married you. I have not lived in your shoes so I cannot say why you decided to keep it to yourself, but if you truly are a lesbian, you need to tell him so he can get on with his life.
    1 point
  29. I think it's terrible that she is doing this. She sounds selfish and vindictive. She is a bad role model for your minds. I hope you get custody.
    1 point
  30. Wait until he moves across country to make your move on her. Just keep it friendly and keep on her your radar for now.
    1 point
  31. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha I have to spread some reputation around but I will give you double stars next time :)
    1 point
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