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Showing content with the highest reputation on 11/05/2018 in all areas

  1. From what I gather you have both said you are not seeing other people. This to me does not meet you are committed to each other yet. His online profile still being active suggests to me he is keeping is options open, and because you are not committed he doesn’t see this as inappropriate. Should he decide to go on a date he can still justify it as lot cheating because you have not committed. I know this is not what you want to hear but I believe he is still looking for something better... he does not seem to be as into you as he appears on dates. Otherwise he wouldn’t need to look at other women. His excuse of being bored is BS (as others have stated). I have had relationships start online and generally when the guy is very interested he has said he is deleting his profile and has asked me if I’m willing to do the same. This has happened to me after only a few dates, so I do not think it is too soon for this conversation to happen. Unfortunately he just seems to be keeping his options open, whilst still being able to see you and have sleep overs. He gets all the perks of being in a relationship, without having the title, so as not to feel guilty when looking/chatting with other women. Personally I would bring this conversation up since it seems to be weighing on you heavily, and I would do so in person. This way you can gauge his reactions and see how he truly feels. Texting allows for him time to come up with a response which may not be genuine, and leaves much room for interpretation. Don’t feel like you need to tip toe around him so as not to come across as needy or clingy. You are sleeping with him and have been seeing him for some weeks, and you deserve to know where you stand.
    4 points
  2. Ok, so I used to be a social butterfly, I used to be a great flirt with people whom I felt comfortable with, I used to talk to anyone and everyone about anything, I could make friends very easily and had a lot of romantic and sexual attention. Along the way I’ve become cold and introverted and socially awkward. I’ve totally lost that side of me that was so bubbling with enthusiasm to get to know someone new, I knew I would get a positive reaction to a cold approach. Times have changed since I was a vibrant outgoing teenager, people rarely make eye contact, they are stuck in their phones. What are some sensible ways to approach people I don’t know to get to know them, particularly with a view to getting numbers for friendship and dates? The best things I’ve come up with so far are commenting on someone’s outfit if I like it but that seems a bit lame. I do believe people dress in a way to show their personality and affinity with certain groups. I wear a T shirt with my favourite Marvel character on and my favourite classic car for example. How can I indicate to someone I find attractive that I am receptive to being approached, without going and blatantly asking for their number? I don’t mind starting the conversation but I am more traditionally minded and tbh I don’t have the balls to ask a guy for his number in the same way I could ask for a woman’s. Any suggestions for conversation starters and ways to indicate interest to others?
    1 point
  3. It's not a thought process at all. I'm summarizing the lies he told her when she confronted him.
    1 point
  4. I see youre thinking very abstractly today. We can grab a cup of tea and discuss definitions all night but for the sake of helping posters who are asking legitimate questions, its a departure. Rebounding - for the most part, we all have our personal beliefs of what this looks like. I think if an individual is say posting on healing after breakup discussing how they cant stop looking at their exes social media and how they cant believe its over and then they mention they have a date at 7, WHICH HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE, I think most would agree they are rebounding. Defined as using someone to get over a previous relationship, to help make the pain stop, to drag you into their sh*t. Butterflies and big words and overly dramatic ideas aint gonna make that ok. So in that respect, no, we are not all rebounding.
    1 point
  5. Best answer to cover all answers is: you stay IN the moment (aka aren't in your head thinking about later, chores later, what you got going on later, and certainly not dug into your phone). You stay IN the moment of what's going on and noticing everything IN the moment - the light, the sites, the sounds, the people around you, and what's going on around you. How do you let people know you are open to being approached? Stay IN the moment and notice them noticing you and reacting to it in a way that gives them confidence to approach you. BY APPROACHING THEM even... and being genuinely IN THE MOMENT with your interaction (be it looks, conversation, noticing something going on in the moment - noticing their attire and using that as a launch point is definitely one of those things... but how about weather, a weird sound or activity going on, an interesting observation about what's going on at the moment.. even joking about how awkward speaking to strangers can be?) Endless things .. millions of things. As an example. I clearly remember being in a drug store, near halloween.. and looking for last minute candy. This other lady was there (cute gal!) who was obviously looking for the same. It was clear both of us were being indecisive and so i joked, "its hard to choose sometimes and try to get into the heads of today's little kids and what they like isn't it?" And we both laughed and started a small conversation. its just about starting conversations. conversations are organic, not forced. not a prepared line but.. you got it.. something IN THE MOMENT ...(observation, perspective or reaction to that thing in the moment, etc.)
    1 point
  6. There are times that I hope my friends will tell me the very thing I don't want to hear. This may be one of those times. Friends can often see things that we aren't willing to recognize. I don't know how strong your friendship is, but I know my friends and I can give it to each other straight and I also know it comes from a good place, no matter how much I don't like hearing it.
    1 point
  7. My general feelings when it comes to all this stuff: no checking, no keeping tabs, ever. It seems childish and like the recipe for an awful relationship. The minute you go down that road, to me, is the minute everything is done. Doesn’t matter what you find; the instinct alone speaks to paranoia, and indulging it creates a paranoid dynamic. Whether it's six minutes, six weeks, or 60 years, you just have to have faith, to say nothing of respecting the fact that that other person in your life is not a fully knowable quality, ever. Which is scary. Which is exciting. Ideally you’re dancing between those two poles forever, nervously at first, then with more ease and calm and comfort, though the nerves will of course flash here and there. It’s where the heat is, and the depth. Who wants to keep exploring the known, you know? People aren’t perfect. Most of them lie a little bit—to us, to themselves—sometimes in the smallest of ways, sometimes by omitting, sometimes by accident. Whatever. You have to allow a touch of grace, have to find that trust within and understand that building trust with someone is a long, fun, complex, non-linear process. Getting to the nitty gritty here. To my mind, the stress level people have about the dating apps, the meaning people project onto them, it's a bit misguided. Yeah, they can be toxic, can keep eyes wandering, players playing. But they can also be a fine place, especially early, to expel some jitters, give the brakes a needed tap. The idea that deleting them is some massive positive while occasionally scanning them is some massive negative—I just don't buy it. I think of it like going to a party, meeting someone cool, flirting a bit, then going back home to your person. Your new person, your old person. Pretty harmless, not uncommon, sometimes even healthy. If my gf does that I don’t need a play by play—enjoy it, just come back to me, all good. If my gf needs that three days a week and is kind of meh around me—well, maybe we're not right for each other. If someone I'm with for only six weeks does that—well, I guess I just expect that. I don't mind being an "option," especially early. I know what I bring to the table, someone can choose to be into it or not, and I'll gauge my levels of excitement vs anxiety as we go about that little dance. But all that? That's just me, and I've got a pretty high threshold for this stuff. I've been in bed with a woman I'm into, seen a few app notifications flash on her phone, and not really cared. Oh, time will tell what that means... OP, this all sounds like it's causing you a lot of anxiety. Anxiety when he was still online, anxiety now that he's deleted the stuff, anxiety wondering IF he deleted it, or what he's REALLY thinking/feeling, anxiety that he may "ghost" you even though he just told you he was happy to have this chat. I'd be listening to that right now, that anxiety, to see if it ebbs. That's the real compass here, I think.
    1 point
  8. I feel you but I was the opposite for a while. When I was married I was open and talkative to anyone but there were numerous times when it was taken as flirting and being married I did not want to disrespect my wife or marriage so I backed it way off, almost to the point where I was told I was unfriendly. I have been divorced for 10 years now and have really liked being talkative again but it seems it isn't as received as well as it used to be. Of course I am older and not as handsome as I once was but it also seems like people are less approachable now. I say hi and ask how they are doing pretty frequently, sometimes you get a nice reply and other time it seems like you take them by surprise being friendly and they don't know how to act. I would say baby steps until you get back into your groove. As far as guys go I agree if a woman walks up and starts chatting them up the guy will respond. Sometimes the best medicine in these cases is to get out of your comfort zone and risk rejection. It isn't fatal by any means and can really teach you about yourself. Lost
    1 point
  9. That's a great question and it is different for everyone. It does depend on the length of time they were together, who ended it and how they've spent their time after the break up. It's important to me that they've spent time on their own and are they comfortable doing so. Some people are just looking for a space holder and will give themselves away pretty quickly if they can't seem to entertain themselves, are not comfortable in their own skin and do not have a reasonable full life outside of any relationship. Wanting to rush into a relationship before really knowing you is a red flag. Someone who is stable and grounded won't make a rash decision like that. People that rush into relationships are typically trying to fulfill some unmet need. It's not a compliment. I check to see if they have a network of friends, interests and hobbies. You are right. It is hard to tell if they've moved on, but not impossible. If the timing seems ok to you, then take it slowly and look out for clues. If you are paying close enough attention, take your time and you can figure out if they are relationship ready or not.
    1 point
  10. I'm actually surprised that people would stare for this reason. I mean, I don't think it's really something that should consume my (or anyone's) attention to that extent. I see couples all of the time with slight height differences, to significant height differences, but I don't think anything of it. At the end of the day, we all have our preferences in terms of who and what qualities we're attracted to. So no, there shouldn't be a cut-off point for height differences in a relationship. We should all be free to choose who we want to be with, regardless. Height difference should be the least of our worries these days, to be honest. Let the oglers ogle, if they must. Still don't understand what the big deal is though. *shrugs*
    1 point
  11. I can only echo that closure is internal. It's letting go for good. An acceptance that it's over and feeling at peace with it. Getting to "meh" about your ex no matter what unanswered questions are out there. Accepting at long last that you two really weren't meant to be together and it's OK. I think in your case OP, running into your ex just confirmed for you what was already there internally, what you've already reached - that you were ready to move on and leave him behind. You would have gotten there without running into him as well. Maybe in a week or a another month, but the seed was already ready to grow and bloom inside of you. As for your divorced friend, her "closure" was really just validation that he was in the wrong about a lot of things. Problem is that you don't always get that from your ex or only get it years later. So you have to work that out for yourself, internally, you have to trust that your ex is gone and it's good for you. Sure you may get lucky and your ex will actually say what you want to hear, validate you, but...... you really can't count on that at all. In fact, you should count on not getting what you need from them and trust your own reason even if your emotions aren't on board....yet.
    1 point
  12. You both may be awesome people, but when one person says they don't see a future with you, it could mean you aren't the right fit. He can still care for you, love you, and enjoy time with you, but he's not planning a life with you, and you will always be stuck in limbo if you decide to stay together. I've been where he wants to put you enough times to know that you are only wasting time and will experience even more heartbreak. And what Wiseman2 says, keys and a drawer for your things are for convenience, and has nothing to do with commitment.
    1 point
  13. 1 point
  14. It seems the guy is playing with the "technical terms", and I wonder if this is accidental. Because he never told you in the exat terms that you are "exclusive", but he did tell you that he is not interested in seeing other people, because he is content with what ha has. He never used the word "exclusive" though, which gives him a pass to turn around if you act disappointed with his use of the dating site, and tell you "hey, I never told you we're exclusive". He is speaking from both ends of his mouth. As i've suggested in a previous post, I'd just prepare for him the guest bedroom and let him inquire about the reason you would choose to not sleep in one bed. Then you could simply say that that you do not share bed with men perusing dating websites, including while being on a date with you. I wish I could see the expression on his face, it would be priceless :) and before he recovered from the surprise honesty, you could suggest (with your sweetest voice) that perhaps you both could take an hiv test, as you are responsible for your own and other people's health. But again, you can only do this scenario from a place of strength, and be sure you are able to exercise your "walk away" power. Lex, if you ask yourself the question what is a bigger loss for you-your self-respect and taking risks with your health/pregnancy; or just losing a guy that you know for 6 weeks that provides some companionship and pleasures of the flesh, but also gives you a lot of anxiety; which one is the bigger loss for you?
    1 point
  15. Don't beg or plead about "what is he looking for" using roundabout talks. Also "talking on his break" is bad news. If you want exclusivity, yes you need to delete your profile. Then lead the conversation with that. Tell him you like being with him and have deleted your profile and wish to be exclusive. It's really that simple. It's odd you didn't mention it in person before drinks, sex and sleepovers this time. Do not mention that you are stalking his app logins. Cut to the chase and ask about being exclusive.
    1 point
  16. Lex, I think text is fine, but I may be in the minority about that. How about speaking over the phone?
    1 point
  17. When I used online dating, I do remember it was very overwhealming. As a woman, men on there come in hoards and are generally the pursuers. It was intimidating, so I became the pursuer of a couple I liked and eventually wound up dating the guy with cats in space as his profile picture. Didn't even know what he looked like, until we set up a date and I had to know what he looked like. I only knew he had commonalities with myself, which I looked for in a partner. You state the stereotypes of online dating. I do admit it favors more towards women than men, statistically speaking for receptivity. Of course there are genuine people on there with normal standards, while there are those who shoot for the stars. The point is online dating is flawed, but it's supposed to supplement your dating life, not be your dating life. It is an extra outlet to add to your repertoire and you should treat it as such. Don't make a certain few people "the enemy" and apply it as an overlaying term for a general population. It's not attractive and it shows.
    1 point
  18. The entire focus of treating terminal cancers is to ease suffering, improve quality of life and in some instances, slow progression of disease and thus lengthen life somewhat. There are curable cancers, cancers that go into remission and may recur and cancers which are recalcitrant to treatment, have a poor prognosis or are too aggressive or late-stage to treat effectively. Keep in mind physicians are scientists, not magicians. Whatever quack treatments he receives in Mexico may make you cringe but for some reason he believes in them and that alone may achieve a placebo effect or give him some sort of hope. Chemo, radiation, surgery, bone marrow transplants etc are not pretty either. It is quite grueling and painful for the suffering patient. Often there is more incentive to go through these painful grueling treatments where there is a better hope for curing it such as breast cancer, many gastrointestinal cancers and many childhood leukemias among others. At this point it would be best to stop confronting him with these or those facts and what a fool he is for going to quacks and instead be better at setting up end of life comfort and care. For example have you looked into hospices? Home care? Why not focus on quality of the end of his life rather than disputing facts about quack vs evidence-based treatments. Also you could suggest helping him with things that give him (not you) comfort such as getting massages, setting up golf games, etc or anything that reduces his stress. It doesn't matter if he's drinking non-GMO, herbal, organic, vegan, gluten free, whatever green muck from a blender or Johnnie Walker Black. What matters is his perception of things and the reduction of his pain and stress and the improvement of his quality of life.
    1 point
  19. The best thing you can do is continue to see your doctors for medical treatment of mood disorders and feeling down and withdrawn as well as continue supportive therapy for that. You'll feel better when you feel stable and not up and down like this...Comparing your more up state to your now more depressed anxious state.
    1 point
  20. Sorry to hear this. Excellent you went no contact. He sounds much too immature for you. Get on some dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start dating men your own age who you don't want to mother or fix or control.
    1 point
  21. You just have to distract yourself. Go out to events and concerts, take walks, exercise, hang out with your friends and family, spend time on hobbies, join groups, take a class, etc. Eventually you'll forget about the guy.
    1 point
  22. My opinion on closure is that it is not something someone else gives you, but something you do yourself. It is the beginning of the healing process, once you have dealt with your denial and anger. You close the door on that relationship and walk on without it. It is a level of acceptance that you are prepared to move on questions unanswered. In my opinion, if you had bumped into him after a month or two, it would not have helped you heal any faster. If anything, it would have added questions to the turmoil of your broken up mind. That you bumped into him 8 months later and realised that you were fully over him, was not closure in iteself, but a mental test that this was the right thing to have happened. It's like the ex-smoker who struggled with giving up for months and was happy that they had. Then 8 months down the track, someone offered you a cigarette, and you turned to them and said, 'Thanks, but I don't smoke.'
    1 point
  23. You're probably a little old for him and in different stages of your lives. He doesn't respect you nor is he treating you the way you should be, because he doesn't care the way he might have before. Cut him off, he's only using you.
    1 point
  24. You have it backwards. A respectable person won't cheat regardless of how you treat her, period. It's about integrity and not about how awful she says the ex was. Look, if she was a trust worthy person she'd simply break up with him instead of cheating on him when he wasn't how she wanted. And she began the relationship with you lying to you about being broken up to him. Your relationship began with lies. As to this Sam guy a person who respects her boyfriend wouldn't be giving all this information and saying he has a better body than you and wouldn't keep on talking and close to a guy she was once sending nudes and trying to get in bed with while having a boyfriend. If you're going to excuse all this and hope that she won't cheat on you, please don't act surprised when she does.
    1 point
  25. What is the benefit of being with someone who can't have a conversation without becoming upset?
    1 point
  26. London eye 3 by Kwstas papadopoulos, on Flickr London 11 by Kwstas papadopoulos, on Flickr This is the street where my company is located. It's pretty cool location :) London 9 by Kwstas papadopoulos, on Flickr
    1 point
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