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Showing content with the highest reputation on 08/31/2018 in all areas

  1. There's nothing new under the sun. Chocolates, flower petals on beds, lipstick note on the mirror, etc. And being creative is not one of the Five Love Languages. Gift giving is, but it says nothing about having to come up with something no one on the planet has thought of. He saw the idea and liked it. What does it matter if he got it from the man bagging his groceries or the internet or from someone you don't like? He did something caring, and the fact that you became furious will stop him from trying to please you in that area in the future. He has not been rewarded for his efforts. And how stupid would he be to tell you he got the idea from a girl you hate? That's ridiculous. The pool of single men in your age range and your area who are ultra creative about consistently coming up with never-before-seen romantic gestures are going to be so remote, you might as well stay single to avoid your tantrums when a man falls short in your eyes. It's you who needs to mellow out and realize your expectations are unreasonable, and you'll find yourself alone, realizing you drove away a lot of good men because you were too unbending in your needs.
    2 points
  2. Okay this will be my final thread on the "career money and education" section since someone suggested it's better that way. Anyways just a quick summary: I just got out of college and I am on my journey to look for a new job because I resigned my last one (which was only two weeks) because it was too much pressure (it's on the sales department). I will just update here what's going to happen to me. I just sent tons of resumes today and I am still hoping for a call back for interview soon. So yeah, I apologize for posting so many threads. This will be my last one I promise.
    1 point
  3. SMH... After 4 months of dating, practicality has to kick in. It has nothing to do with traditions, generational aspect or baggage, more like entitlement issues. If she does meet you halfway, I have a feeling as a 45 yr old woman, she may in the future show you regular glimpses of her self-entitlement which is only detrimental in building an equal and loving relationship. My advice is listen to her and later seriously consider if this woman is who you want to be with.
    1 point
  4. I read a post from a man (on this forum but it may have been another one) who said when he first begins dating a woman, he will pay for the first few dates and then on the 4th or 5th, he will sort of wink and say “I’ll let you get the next one” in a cute and teasing way of course, and gauge her response. If she cops an attitude, that reflected self-entitlement (and most likely a bunch of other issues – nothing positive) and he wants no part of that so would typically stop dating her (or continue dating her but keep her as an “option” and the dates cheap). However, that approach generally worked very well for him; there were only a couple of women who had attitude about it, but generally women responded well and even paid for the entire next date with no attitude! I admit I like that approach too, it reflects self-confidence and a no-nonsense, no BS attitude which I personally love in a man! Edit: @Mitch, the glaring red flag that I see (over and above any baggage she may be carrying from her last RL) is her demanding attitude "If you want to court me, you should pay." It's one thing that she prefers a man to pay (balancing out the fact she does most of the driving, cooks dinner, etc.), but the way she phrased that reflects an overall piss poor, self-entitled attitude imo and the fact you are now not communicating because of it? All I can say is if you choose to go forward dating her, I wish you the best!
    1 point
  5. Update. After I made this post I blocked him everywhere and have not spoken to him since. The moment I did it I felt a thousand pounds lighter and it was amazing. I never, ever thought I could drop the addiction of wanting him, but I have and I am never going back! I am focusing on myself, my career and when it happens, falling in love with a GOOD person one day. I know now what to look for and the red flags to avoid. thank you everyone! I am grateful for the experience, as maybe I can help others one day too.
    1 point
  6. You're repeating the behavior between your mother and your father, which you witnessed as a child. And you seriously think your son doesn't notice? Do you wish this type of relationship for your son? You did not respond to my previous post, which leads me to believe you are trying to find some excuse to stay in this toxic relationship. When you wrote in did you think people were going to tell you it's all your fault and you should stay with her? That she truly loves you and she will "change" with just a little more time? Because it's not (other than staying, accepting the behavior and going back for more), you shouldn't, she doesn't, and she won't. Know now that if you go back, you are deliberately choosing to be abused and mistreated, and you are going in with eyes wide open. And also realize your son will most likely end up in the exact same type of relationship. Yeah, I'm being "harsh". But you are not "stuck", you are making a choice. If you choose to continue, would it make sense to keep complaining about how she treats you? Think about it. And the fact that this is your SECOND relationship with this type of woman...yeah, professional guidance is a really good idea.
    1 point
  7. Have not read all the replies to this, but this sounds like she exhibits a lot of borderline behavior. Get out now while you still can, as it will place a great strain on you and your son over time. Anyone who can repeatedly throw around breakups and ultimatums needs to be prepared for you to take them up on it for good. You deserve stability in a relationship at the very least.
    1 point
  8. Well. . .let's hope she's had some time to think about this and you two can find a compromise. You two are clearly on opposite ends with this. they agreed that I should pay while courting her being sarcastic here. . .I suppose you can revert back to courting. Call her 4 days in advance and take her to movie and drop her off when you are done. I'd ask her at what point in time are you no longer courting and by her definition what would that look like? I'm nervous about the conversation now that it is at this keeping score point. You can refuse to exchange lists with her and merely state your values. You are either on the same page or not. . or there's a compromise. No need for debating. Refuse to get pulled into one.
    1 point
  9. Thanks for the replies. I'll try to address some things that were stated... "I would advise against a discussion that veers toward something resembling a score card or a value judgement placed on who does more for the other person and what those efforts are worth in terms of dollars and resources." -This is where she took the conversation as soon as I brought it up, listing out all the things she has done. I told her I appreciate all the things she does, but I'm just talking about picking up a dinner bill. The last dinner we went out to was $300. We went to see a symphony and dinner. All her idea, but in my area. I had bought the tickets to the symphony and I really thought she would pay for dinner, but no. "This "courting" nonsense sounds old fashioned. At what point does the courting end and the real practicality of sharing expenses occur, marriage? living together?" -She kept calling it courting and I kinda said I'm not sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure we aren't courting anymore. I just Goggled courting and it is old fashioned. It's dating without sex or intimacy en route to marriage. We are not courting, we are dating in a committed relationship. "I imagine it wasn't easy bringing this up to her and then being met with her defensive remarks. Now it's resorted to keeping score. I guess you will know after this weekends conversation." -This was extremely hard to bring up and yes the reaction is not what I expected. I'm nervous about the conversation now that it is at this keeping score point. "What do others think?" -In our discussion she mentioned that she spoke to her friends and colleagues about this and they agreed that I should pay while courting her. Well I didn't have a very gentlemanly answer so I just said, "are they in this relationship too? I'm not dating everyone. And why didn't you talk to me about it first instead of talking to them?"
    1 point
  10. It is worse over text. It's immature, you don't have any say, it's cowardly and it doesn't matter if it's in person or electronically. When someone says they don't want you, it strikes the recipient of the message in a primal way. Why would anyone do that to someone if they didn't mean it? Unless they are abusive and enjoy hurting those close to them. For me, I knew he didn't mean it. So it's was't the message itself that was serious. It was being repeatedly manipulative and abusive that was the deal breaker. Besides. . . How much drama are you willing to tolerate? You do know that good relationships don't look like this one, right? So why not toss this, take a step back reevaluate why YOU think you don't deserve better. Work on that for a little while and learn a lesson from all of this.
    1 point
  11. I see a couple of things going on here. First is that she seems to have some baggage from her previous relationship where it sounds like she was pretty much supporting a moocher. This issue needs to be discussed as in you need to ask her more about it and listen. Most importantly is that she needs to recognize that she can't punish you for her previous dating mistakes. There is also equity in the relationship which isn't always about who is paying. I don't know how far away you two live from each other, but if it's a good distance and she always drives, then in a way it's fair that you treat her. If going out to restaurants is getting too expensive, then staying in and cooking is certainly an option. It really comes down to being reasonably equitable overall to each other beyond just who pays. You don't want a relationship that's run like an accounting balance sheet because those relationships always fail. Basically, people contribute to relationships a lot more in ways that aren't financial. All above aside, at four months, you are no longer in courting stage and this is a relationship, so you are correct to want equitable contribution from her be it financially or in other ways. It all really comes down to that both people feel like the other person is contributing to the relationship in a way that feels equitable. I'll just emphasize again, that contribution isn't necessarily financial.
    1 point
  12. Are you in counseling? I ask because a friend of mine was in a situation similar to yours, where she refused to let go of her ex. She gave up her entire future waiting and wishing for this man to come back to her. She's still waiting...and they broke up in 1994. She has been institutionalized and is unable to work or see people. She spends just about every day alone, stuffing herself with junk food and mooning over her ex. Did I mention they broke up in 1994???!!! Please don't let that be your future. There is no shame in asking for help if you need it. After all, if you broke your leg you wouldn't just hop around wishing for it to get better, would you? You would see a doctor. This is no different.
    1 point
  13. I agree with all the other feedback already given. Just wanted to add my cents here. When someone threatens you with a break up (abandonment) and doesn't really have any intention on doing so, they are being manipulative and immature. In some cases it's abusive. I dated a guy for a short time that did the same thing. I tried to reason with him and I when I realized this is just how he handles conflict, I told him the next time he pulled the break up card I was going to hold him to it. And I did. No surprise he was upset when I ended it because it was never really his intention to begin with, even though I had warned him more than once. Conflicts can be challenging but if you aren't able to handle one in a mature, compassionate way, then you have business being in a relationship. Secondly, your original story included this conversation that derailed through a text. I have a personal policy that the minute a text feels like it going to go sideways, I pick up the phone (or drive to see them) Things are left to interpretation in an electronic form and are often misconstrued. This guy I just mentioned used to hide behind his phone and say stupid things. When I called to clarify things I could tell he'd rather wrestle with me electronically than have a mature conversation. He'd get upset if I respectfully told him I wouldn't continue the conversation in text and would try to call him instead. I still don't understand it. . but I refused to be a part of the dynamic. It sounds like this relationship isn't worth saving. But if you choose to stay you might consider some ground rules in which the two of can work with so things don't go so out of hand.
    1 point
  14. I encourage you. Sounds like you are considering all the details. It is reasonable to have a late pickup charge (maybe by 15 minute increments, each charge more than the last?). Maybe a multi-day discount? A special (higher) drop-in rate to encourage scheduling but allow for filling empty spots? It's been so long ago I cannot remember how my sons' daycare provider handled things like meals and snacks, I cannot remember how much we brought or what they provided. I think she did take holidays off to ensure her R&R and time with family. (Although, it was a challenge since our jobs required us to work most holidays.) Find ways to simplify the billing and banking if you can.
    1 point
  15. Can you just make a "My Job Search" thread? Instead of starting a new one every day or multiple threads a day? Because that way everyone can see what you've experienced in total. Starting a new thread every time you get an interview doesn't give the full picture of your search and experiences.
    1 point
  16. lol...sorry, OP, I'm laughing because thinking that breaking up is just going to break the other person is incredibly arrogant and it is absolutely about you. That's quite some ego you've got going on. Look, yes break ups hurt, but then people get over it and move on and find someone else who is more compatible. The real cruelty is not breaking up when you should. You've realized that you two aren't really compatible, you aren't that into her and there is no future. That's what dating is for - to figure this stuff out. Now that you know, end it. In the grand scheme of things, 7-8 months isn't even that long of a relationship. Just be firm and clear that it's really over. Don't offer to be friends and don't give her any hope that you might reconsider later. Giving hope is cruel and stops the other person from healing and moving on. In other words, when you want to end things, be calm and clear and don't string them along by trying to soften the blow. It does the opposite and leaves the person even more hurt and confused. Clear and final helps with acceptance and shortens the healing time.
    1 point
  17. Qwerty, the work force is full of inconveniences. Whether its hours, location, work load, problem employees, poor benefits, low salary. Every position has its drawbacks. But if you want a job, you deal with the drawbacks while you continue to look for your ideal position. It's very unlikely that you're going to get hired right into your dream job, as you have no references or recent work history to demonstrate what you're like as an employee. You continue to be so picky about every opportunity that comes your way, yet you claim to be depressed over not having a job. Be honest, do you really want to work or not?? If you do, stop making excuses, take a job, and make it work while you continue looking elsewhere.
    1 point
  18. This relationship is already dead in the water, OP. You know this. No, it's most certainly not all your fault. She doesn't sound very emotionally stable, and I get where you are coming from. My ex was like her. There is no reasoning with people like this. The break-up/make-up cycle is incredibly toxic, and in my experience, it doesn't get better. You need to finally value yourself enough to walk away from this. It's completely dysfunctional.
    1 point
  19. If you're partner of 3 years makes you feel like you are mad...then the relationship has to end. Maybe you are mad and do everything wrong? What do you think? From what you described, she sounds disrespectful and immature. But only you know really how it is. I am only going off what you've written about her. But as someone who has picked her fair share of bad partners I can only say this - if I have a lot of bad things to say about my partner then he's not the right guy for me. The fact that you are confused, upset and feel crazy should be enough for you to know that its not a good match.
    1 point
  20. I know you aren't afraid of hard work!! Does it fill you with excitement thinking of working as an independent? ! There's a huge need for affordable daycare - 35 bucks pfft that's reasonable! I'm making the transition myself , my sweetie already has ( a few months ago). He's happier than I've ever seen him. And making better money too! Like you said, it's being in charge of your own - the more you put in, the more you get out. And you've seen so very unhappy where you are. Start the process, see if you can swing it! It's not like the need for your work is going away any time soon.
    1 point
  21. Calm down. He's trying to be how you want him to be. Appreciate that.
    1 point
  22. What's your question exactly? I mean ...she sounds awful! And you clearly get off on it to some extent. Why else would you be involved in this for 3 years? Yes of course go on the activity with your son tomorrow...if not the one planned then a different one.
    1 point
  23. I totally think you should go for it. You have one life, don't stay where you are unhappy and frustrated when you have other options available to you. Your plan sounds good!
    1 point
  24. Are you all sharing a house at college? Why do you have a problem with the other housemates GF? Is there a lack of privacy for "creating romance"? It sounds like you are not compatible. You can't throw a love languages book/quiz at someone then say "mine isn't touch, but affirmations so you have to do it my way!". It's unclear why you can't create romance. Do you plan dates, get out of the house and do things, etc.? What's the real problem here that he can't seem to do anything right by you? Why can't you accept what he does do? If it's gifts (like $800 cameras for your youtube hobby?), taking you out, doing stuff for you, etc.? Not good enough unless he leaves "creative" love notes around? No it's not "easy to take out cash and buy you things". It takes thought and sacrifice to do that. Perhaps frilly notes do not come naturally for him and he expresses his caring in other ways. Perhaps it's time to accept you are incompatible and nothing he does or ever will do can ever make you happy (unless it's exactly your way, the "right" way)
    1 point
  25. Bonito reminds me a lot of my little dog, the older one that I lost in June. I smiled when you mentioned the part about him barking at elephants on the TV screen. My dog loved his toy elephant collection and used to bark for them when I'd hold them out of his reach just to tease him, before I'd finally throw or drop the elephant. Then he'd grab the toy by its trunk and whip it around like a crocodile catching its dinner. He was small and fluffy just like your dog, I would joke "which one is the toy?" :-)
    1 point
  26. Here's a tip. When you ask a girl out on a date and she just says she will let you know that day, don't just go along with that. Next time just say - "Ok, well once you know your schedule just get back to me and we can schedule for another time. It would be great to see you." Then just walk away and do your own thing. No point in having to wait around all week for someone who may not end up even showing up.
    1 point
  27. Awww. You have all this love to give, and so does Bonito, I think that is a beautiful thing that you are together. When my cat Blackie passed away, this was years ago now, I thought ' that's it, no more cats for a very long time!' . I was depressed for a while, her passing hit me very hard, something about the kind of love between us and those little guys, it's so honest, it can cut right through all the usual defended we may have . Do you find this?! Well that plan didn't last long. A friend of mine had a friend of hers unexpectedly pass away. He had a cat, and ferrets. They all went to his parents place at first, but they also had a cat. And his cat was stressed to the max, didn't like other cats, and was terrorizing their cat . And here I was a home with no cats again, and she needed a 'one child':) home. Yeah. When my friend brought her over to meet me, I knew she was home now. We've been together ever since, she's family. I get it, talking to Darko, feeling like he is there watching this. Thank you for giving him such a beautiful life filled with love and compassion.
    1 point
  28. Oh, no. Is this the company you interviewed with? Is the employment agency just sending you to ANY company regardless of your ability? Sometimes companies don't hire enough people to try to make more money and force the employees they do have to work very hard. Sometimes a company's corporate culture is so bad that people just leave and they can't find enough people to take their place. And sometimes the company is going out of business. You should use the Internet to find out everything you can about such companies before you accept a job offer.
    1 point
  29. i love macy's curious look :)). and that butch has been such a valuable, healing companion! thank you all for being so positive! i would've missed out on so much if i held back on adopting him, and what a shame for a wonderful little guy it would've been to not get a forever home. i didn't crate him last night. there was no need to. all sites (i have 40 tabs on puppies open haha) say to crate him on his first night, but he napped next to me for a while before settling on a pillow he chose. he then got up, i heard a noise on the other end of the room, and he came back with Darko's collar, licking it before falling asleep peacefully next to it. To him, it is one of the many objects he hoards, probably because he is used to not having them, but to me, it was the most beautiful gesture. I "talked" to Darko, thanking him over and over again for everything, and for teaching me how to grow beyond my selfish sadness and my self-prophesied eternal misery. i promised i would do everything for Bonito that i did for him. he is so happy, such a ball of joy. i never asked the shelter about his history. he seems perfectly unbothered by it whatever it was, and his wonderful shelter carers must have undone anything bad he remembered. i'm reminded of hidden blessings too. i fell ill enough to be absent from work to undergo testing - but, it allowed me to be with Darko when he was leaving, and to keep Bonito company as he adjusts to the great unknown. Before Darko fell ill, i hesitated to get testing done for myself at a private diagnostics lab and avoid the long waiting list, i was concerned with the price. i had once been in debt after my mother's passing, and it was psychologically very taxing. But, when i saw myself pulling my credit card out unflinchingly at the vet's, i immediately accepted i *can* show the same respect to my own well-being by choice, and i owe it to myself and everyone else to speed up the diagnostics and treatment. So i booked and am getting tests done and it's not been horrible at all, worst case scenario i'll have some credit card debt and pay it off like i did with much greater debt. have to be in shape to keep up with an energetic doggie!! i'll remember this time for the endless gratitude. i'll work on feeling it without turning on the waterworks next! :))
    1 point
  30. Try it & see! You sound like you have it all worked out & had a long hard think about it. If it doesnt work out as you think it will you can always go back to paid employment! Best of luck, I hope it works out well for you!
    1 point
  31. Wow! CongrAts to you and Bonito! He looks adorable, and I'm so glad you found one another. Oh, Butch adjusted all right. He settled on the foot of my bed and went cuddly immediately on my entrance, as though nothing had happened. I figured he'd just been shook up from the drive. I had set him into the litter too fast, but I wanted him to learn where it was it in case he needed to use it. He never displayed aggression again. We spent many years together, and he was secure and loving and purely Himself. His rituals were unlike those of Layla, and so there were times at first when I'd make the noises or gestures I'd have made with her, and it felt a bit like one hand clapping. But he was a joy, and he helped me through my grief in ways that kept me forever grateful to him. Hooray! for you and your open mind and your open heart. Your Darko did a marvelous job with you! As much as a pet's adoration can go to our head and make us feel like the world is all about US, the best pet relationships teach us how to honor our roles as stewards. This amplifies our generosity and our ability to love. There is no down side to that. (((HUG))) to you and Bonito.
    1 point
  32. I'm going to guess you got attached to one or maybe both of these girls. I say that simply because flakiness is just part of online dating. Fizzling is an incredibly common occurance If you're disappointed about 2 week girl, understandable. Try not to spend that much time chatting as it can cause you to develop a false attachment. If it's not that if it's that you're generally bothered by flaking well online dating might not be for you and that's ok it's not for everyone
    1 point
  33. I am so delighted for you, Rainy, that you were able to give Bonito a second chance in life, she must be so happy to have you. What's so wonderful about dogs, is that when they enter your life you both save each other really, and in this particular case Bonito will help you through your grief and be your little therapist, in exchange for having been rescued. I'd say that's a pretty good deal :) Really wish there were more people like you in the world!
    1 point
  34. Please listen to Wiseman2 and get out. If you filed for divorce, just go through with it and do no contact; it's the best for both him and you. It's also the best and only "coming back from this". Neither one of you is likely to change while being in proximity of each other.
    1 point
  35. If you are starting out with them online, it's pretty much par for the course. When someone drops contact, you just have to assume that they've lost interest and move on. You really have to have thick skin for dating and not take things personally. Only pay serious attention to those where you have the date nailed down, meaning date/time/place locked in and they have confirmed with you that they'll be there. Anything less than that and you need to take any potential with a grain of salt...a big one..... Also, do be careful about a lot of emailing back and forth. Matches who are ready and serious about meeting someone will lose interest in too much e-talking without a concrete date nailed down and plenty of other guys will get ahead of you. Typically, matches who have issues, problems with trust are the ones who need a lot of communication before you meet and that alone is a red flag that you are dealing with a person who is maybe too raw to be dating, too insecure, or otherwise is likely to flake on you due to their own unresolved issues.
    1 point
  36. You had a gf before so you can find one again. You need to get rid of the video games. They isolate you, further depression and ruin your social skills. It also makes you worse with girls because it leaves you with nothing to talk about except whatever games you are playing, which could be boring to many girls. Talk to your parents. Ask them to take you to a doctor for the anorexia and depression. Without addressing the anorexia, depression and video game addiction, things are going to get worse, not better. There are no tips for talking to girls if your mind is still trapped in video games and you fail to develop normal social skills.
    1 point
  37. "......I am still emailing him once a week hoping he will change his mind and want to fight for me and not with me." Ah....so you are making this about your self esteem and self worth. Thing is OP that who he is and what he does is NOT about you, never was, never will be. In short, no abusers do not change. Not ever. Why? Because they like doing what they do. Yes, they just like it and nobody is going to stop doing what they actually deep down enjoy and get off on. The trouble is that you want him to be normal, but he is not and that can't be fixed or changed. He is never going to be who you want him to be. The desire that you have for being loved and wanted, you'll never get it from this man. However, there are millions of men out there who can and will give you what you want. Stop contacting your soon to be ex. Let the lawyers deal with your divorce and finish it up and the sooner the better. Start working on deleting this man from your life. Literally. Delete his number, get rid of whatever reminds you of it. You are desperately seeking validation from a person who positively enjoys denying you that. Stop.
    1 point
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