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Showing content with the highest reputation on 04/16/2018 in Posts

  1. Jeez, guys, you're acting like OP and her relationship are doomed. Calm down. She's still in it; she's just bored and has GIGS. She very well can stay and make this work, easily, if she's willing to work on the relationship.
    2 points
  2. The point you've reached with him is a point you'll reach with anyone. It's called being in a relationship. At some point something shifts inside of us where the work of staying together, growing together, and finding new planes to explore together is as exciting as being alone and/or seeing what else is out there. It doesn't sound like you've reached this point, especially if 10 minutes with a new person is enough to get those gears turning. Those ten minutes will happen and happen and happen a million times over in any long term relationship. I'd look at this juncture in two ways. One, it is a chance to deepen and shift your dynamic together, to learn to engage in the kind of open, direct communication that makes longterm relationships sustainable and rewarding. Or, two, this is simply the time to let go, let both of you flail for a bit, rebuild, recover, and see what's out there in the unknown. Both are scary and intimidating. Only you know if your heart which is pulling you more. Don't string him along if its the latter; he'll only resent you more.
    2 points
  3. My daughter turned 3 in January and has started establishing some physical/privacy boundaries. Much of this started when she started full swing into potty training, which makes sense. We have a set of grandparents (wife's parents) that live a few hours away. They see her less than a dozen times a year. She is comfortable around them but they don't see her all the time so she is still a bit subdued/shy with them. Well I have talked to them on several occasions because they seem to ignore/disregard my daughter when she tells them to stop something she is uncomfortable with. This happens as one of three scenarios typically. They either pressure her to show them physical affection, tickle her while she is screaming for them to stop, or enter the bathroom with her telling them she wants privacy. They came over on Sunday to hang out. I left the room to make lunch and I hear my daughter scream bloody murder so I run in the living room. (My wife was feeding our 6 month old in other room before nap). They were tickling her while she was telling them (screaming) she feels uncomfortable and yelling "please, stop". This is not the first time I have gotten on to them about this either. I go in there and get my daughter to go to her brother's room with my wife. Now I have said the same thing to them many times now, this time I added a threat. I told them if they cannot respect my daughter's boundaries they will not get any unsupervised time with my children. They always try to give me some excuse, typically along the lines of "she is just a kid" This time I was tired of it and didn't even let them give me an excuse. Later that day they asked when she would be able to stay the night with them and I told them again that they won't get to watch her until I trust them to respect my daughter's boundaries. We have an upcoming family reunion with them too. Over 100 family members. This will bring up the other boundary issue. Many of her family members will tell my daughter she better give them a hug and kiss because they came all this way to see us. I stomp this out every time it is said and tell my daughter she only does those things if she wants and has no obligation to give anyone anything. But there is an aunt in particular that refuses to stop, so she is barred from being around my daughter without me or my wife around. Now this was mostly to vent and help me formulate my thoughts but I would like people's comments, concerns, recommendations on how to deal with this. My wife and I are very united and on the same page with this so no resistance there. If they don't start making an effort we are fully prepared to never allow our children around them unsupervised. And the problem aunt that pushes things badly is very close to being disowned by us. She is also my MIL's twin, who never had any girls and somehow thinks my wife is her pseudo daughter, so my daughter is her pseudo granddaughter in her mind.
    1 point
  4. I'm sorry man, no epiphany, what you're doing is classic deflection. Stay here a week, something must be in the water, tons of posts just like yours. my ex MUST have a mental disorder. Sometimes people suck, it's really that basic. As a side note, this really should be a glaring lesson to any responders who throw out diagnoses. It's giving a poster the fuel to fire that 'keep my focus on my ex' flame. It's so harmful, I really wish people would stop.
    1 point
  5. I attempt to approach my cousins' kids and if they act unsure or hesitant I back off No sense in making small children afraid of me. If I'm able to gain their trust then I proceed by playing calmly with them unless they want to rough house or run around. I take my cues from them. No way would I ever force them to hug or kiss me. And I think it's ridiculous to try to guilt or shame them into doing so.
    1 point
  6. Maybe couples should make themselves a hard times fund. A little each week, that in the event they feel like they need to create a spark, go on holiday or whatever, they have "counselling" money. Save the relationship before it snowballs into something people feel like they should give up on??
    1 point
  7. I agree with everyone else saying these are good boundaries. It’s healthy for your child to talk about boundaries and establish them. And her extended family needs to acknowledge these boundaries.
    1 point
  8. Just want to say good job. She's lucky to have a dad like you. It reminds me of my own father, and I'm grateful for his respect and protection of my own sense of self since I was young. I realize as an adult what a rare gift it was that my parents did this. As an adult interacting with other people's kids, including family, it's uncomfortable for me when some of them try to push their child to show physical affection with me ( kisses, hugs). A child will when they are comfortable and want to, and as a grown up, it certainly doesn't hurt my feelings if they do not wish to. I do have a rather large extended family and there are adults who almost see it as a competition which grown up a kid 'likes more'. It's always made me uncomfortable that. Sorry I do not have advice , but I do support you .
    1 point
  9. I mean.....she told you flat out that she is a mess and not in the right place for dating. So STOP. If you proceed after being told to your face and being blatantly jerked around, you are not only a glutton for punishment, but you are basically setting yourself up to be used and abused as she feels like. Maybe go find women who are actually in the right place to date and want to date you. You know...someone who is emotionally stable right now. Never ever waste your life trying to save a damsel in distress, because all you will get out of that is a distressed damsel sucking the life out of you (no, not in that good way either).
    1 point
  10. You need to take this glaring loud cue and make your exit and make it a permanent one. Your girlfriend doesn't respect you---to the point where she's denigrating you in public and taking the side of someone who you asked not to put her hands on you. If you'd taken her someplace and one of your boys started putting his hands on her and she told him to stop and you spun around on her and said "shut up--what's you're f**** problem?", her hair would be on fire. You'd be far better off not dating the likes of her. This doesn't deserve fixing. Leave it where it lies and move on.
    1 point
  11. Reading this...wow...they sound controlling. And, you're right, the whole "When I was a kid..." thing just doesn't fly. When I was a kid, it was still OK to whip kids with things like belts, electrical cords, etc. (my parents never did this, thankfully!) and that was a holdover from my parents' generation, when practically beating a kid unconscious could be considered "discipline." It sounds like your wife's parents are hopelessly stuck in the past, thinking that what "worked" when they were kids (it probably didn't, really, but they were conditioned to think it did) is still relevant today. I'm glad to hear you're taking a stand. Your daughter will remember the things you've modeled for her, and she will be so grateful one day.
    1 point
  12. Learning personal boundaries is important for a child's safety. Everyone needs to be taught about personal bodily autonomy. I was taught to kiss grown ups and give them hugs or I was hurting their feelings. That is WAY to much emotional responsibility for a child. And those very lessons where part of why I ended up being sexually assaulted at a young age. Because when an adult told me to do something physically, I had been taught to do it, even if it felt bad or wrong... because that it how a child is supposed to treat an adult. You body is yours. Teaching children that their body is open for anyone who is bigger or adult or family... or whatever is wrong and deeply harmful. You don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to. We would never tell an adult to kiss someone because of guilt or "if you don't they will feel bad" why would that be an okay thing to teach children? Bodies involve consent. Learning that isn't just about your body it's about how to treat other people as well. If kids learn about consent in their formative years they are much less likely to violate other people's consent and much more likely to stand up for their own.
    1 point
  13. That woman can't do anything without his express permission. She talks all mess at you and she knows it works because, well, here you are, but until he gives her the OK to proceed with him, nothing is going to happen. That is where your investment needs to be--in trusting him to handle his friend. Sometimes, you have to just sit back and adopt the motto: video ex taceo---I see but say nothing. Right now, observe and don't run to him complaining. You want to force her to take her obnoxiousness to the next level so your boyfriend will see the lengths she will go to to interfere in your relationship. As long as you're on him to do what you want him to do, he's going to drag his feet. You just be saccharine sweet to her and giggle at her stupidity. Take her jabs at you and turn them around into questions to him that make her look petty and stupid. When she made the remark about "‘Well I suppose he knew what money was until he met you, right?’", you just smile sweetly and say "oh, he's getting an excellent return on investment, aren't you, sugar?" and kiss him. Watch her hair go up in flames. Seriously, whenever she tries to come at you with that lame mess, you just say "aww, that's so precious" and smile sweetly. There is no reason on earth why you should be letting her get under your skin like you're letting her. You've got to sit tight and let her hoist herself upon her own petard in front of him. If you trust your boyfriend the way you say you do, then "video ex taceo". She won't be able to help herself in shooting herself in the foot.
    1 point
  14. I have been with my husband almost 30 years. We have had our really hard spells. Times where I actually hated him. Long standing love needs work. Work on ourself, work on each other, and working at reconnecting.
    1 point
  15. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. you are way off base. people should NOT enter a bathroom while someone else is going. He never said his daughter never wants to follow rules or say please and thank you --- EVERY kid needs to be told that they don't HAVE to be touched. A kid that is told that they have to let any adult touch them that wants to leaves themselves open to being molested because they will learn that they can't say no. I will tell you that when i was tickled as a kid, people would pin me down (uncles, cousins,) and it WOULD HURT. I would physically hurt to be tickled. Did you know that it was used as a form of torture way back when? He is teaching his daughter that her NO means something. And that is VERY IMPORTANT to teach her she can say NO - that her body is hers. I am sure she does hug and kiss other relatives - but it comes FROM HER -- not to be forced.
    1 point
  16. A child has a right to protection of their body. Full stop.
    1 point
  17. Have you tired sending these people some of the numerous article out there on why children having personal boundaries is important to their safety and wellbeing? They are from a generation that didn't believe that children needed those things. Maybe some outside information would help them understand why it's so important... although it seems really strange to me that either or both of you saying that it is important, wouldn't be enough. Good for you and your wife. I hope that the rest of your wife's family can figure out how to respect your daughter so that they can have a relationship with her.
    1 point
  18. Bottom line: Op, you were rude and instead of apologizing for your lack of good grace, you turned this around on her and complained about her bedroom abilities. Own your bad behavior and apologize for your lack of consideration to her sensibilities. There is, in my opinion, no harm in watching porn (as long as it's not an addiction) or wanking off but to do it beside her quite another matter.
    1 point
  19. Thornz, does it ever occur to you that when life is stressful, you are supposed to feel stressed and that's actually normal? You can't just always be happy or feeling good. The way you deal with stress is by addressing and taking care of the things that are stressing you. Like do what you need to do at work to meet the crazy deadline. Once you get there, it will be a relief and a sense of achievement - you did it kind of a thing. As for tickets.....I mean....it's not like you aren't aware where you park or that you were speeding. Nobody is going to e-mail anything to you when it comes to that. Those things will be sent to the last legally known address. As wiseman said, update your address on your driver's license and car registration because that's how tickets get tracked down to you. Follow the process - nobody is going to respond to you personally or cater to your specific requests. Again, go and take care of things and it will relieve your stress, then you can feel good about "mission accomplished". My point is that you can't expect to wake up each morning and just feel good. Sometimes feel good is something you have to create for yourself by taking care of the bs in your life.
    1 point
  20. I would go to the post office to place a forward on my mail. If the tickets are mine, I'd pay those to get them out of the way. From there I'd find out from brother exactly how he believes that I can help him: will he allow me to contact the local hospital to request a referral to a case worker? Will he allow me to go with him to a therapist or counsellor or doctor? What would be his timeframe for me to return and work on any steps he'll allow me to help with? For me, actually handling practical matters tends to keep me focused beyond rumination and feeling lousy. I'd put in extra time at work to get a handle on my project deliverables, and this would keep me too busy to ruminate. Head high, you can get through this.
    1 point
  21. This could potentially be harsh so....do read on or pass.... She is not aggressive, she is very insecure and lashing out due to fear. This insecurity is due to your behavior, OP, specifically how you treat the dog and how you respond to her behaviors. I am NOT implying that you are a bad person, only that you don't really know how to respond correctly so as to build confidence in the dog. Instead, you are likely exacerbating her insecurities with the best of intentions. I hate to tell you this but you are the cause of her issues. Medication isn't going to solve this. Get a really good trainer and understand that you need the training more than the dog does. Look up Cesar Millan. If you can find a trainer who follows his methods near by it will be a life saver to all of you. In the alternative, let someone else with experience take her off your hands. Of course make sure you disclose fully all of her issues. There are also no kill shelters where she can be re-socialized and become a happy dog and live out her days peacefully. It would really be a kindness if your own health and life situation is such that this isn't working anymore or you simply cannot dedicate the necessary time to correct things. Again, that wouldn't make you a bad person, but rather a caring one.
    1 point
  22. That would be enough for me to have her put down. She can no longer be trusted.
    1 point
  23. Yes, its no wonder they have given up on the two of you. It's clear that his ex is the level headed person who is caring for their GRAND CHILDREN. I'd want to stay on her good side as well if my son was a write off like he is. Sorry, but that is the reality.
    1 point
  24. I think you may be responding to me rather than Rusty. Regardless, you're not an idiot, SweetGirl28. You had a rough night. Be kind to yourself. Sending good vibes your way. Hopefully, you do not have a hangover today.
    1 point
  25. If you're not getting enough sex, she isn't a good partner. Your drives are out of sync. Two adults should be able to come to an agreement on boundaries. What is acceptable, what isn't. There should be no judgement. If there is, you're not a good match. Neither of your behaviour's are bad. You just need to agree on them, or agree to disagree. If you can't do that, you're not a good match.
    1 point
  26. Just move out and end it. That is the only way to do it. There is no way to soften the blow you are about to do. Above all be honest that you don’t ever see a future for the two of you. Don’t give him false hope. Don’t offer to be friends still because he will have hope from that. Break it off and never talk to him again.
    1 point
  27. Btw, we decided that we will not be doing playdates in homes with guns.
    1 point
  28. This is all fantastic Sara. I'm very happy for you. Xxx
    1 point
  29. Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. It may seem weird, but I was watching Grey's Anatomy and saw the episode where a Doctor, Kepner (a very good Christian) lost her faith in God after losing a patient. She was angry at God, she started living a life against all her beliefs. She lost her faith; she was lost. So in this episode she had a Rabbi as a patient who was dying because of a rare side effect of antibiotics. He helped her get her (Christian) faith back. I found this dialogue inspiring. I hope it helps you too. Kepner was mad, patient picked up on it and asked: Patient:So Spill. Come on. Give me the goods. Tell me the dirt, tell me the skinny. Dr. Kepner. You really think I can't tell when someone's in pain, too? Kepner:That's not... You don't have to worry about that Patient: So, what, I should worry about my wife not getting here before I pass out? Or the fact that my skin is giving up being actual, you know, skin? Patient: I can give you morphine and.. Patient : No, no, listen, listen, the Talmud says if someone is sick or in need and you can take away 1/60th of their pain, then that's goodness. That's God. You can't take away a 60th of something if you don't know what it is. Kepner: That's not your job. Patient:It is exactly my job, and I prefer to do it till the bitter end. Come on. You're not gonna deny a dying man's wish? Kepner: You're not - Patient : Aren't I? Dr. Kepner, I've held enough dying men's hands in my career. I know it's mine this time. Kepner: I am sorry, Eli. Patient: Don't be sorry. You're doing your job. Just let me do mine. Kepner: I'm not... I... I'm fine. I don't I don't need anything. Patient : What? You're a terrible liar. I like that. Kepner: All right, fine. What's that saying? "If If I'm not for myself, who will be for me?" Patient: Mm-hmm. Kepner :Well, I am taking care of myself, for once. That's all. Patient : Oh, and you realize that that phrase is not an invitation for narcissism, right? Kepner : You're calling me a narcissist? Sure you don't want more pain meds? It'll knock you right out. Patient: I don't blame you, you know, it's human nature. You face enough hardship, then you can't help but think that you're being punished, that you did something to deserve it. Kepner: I did nothing to deserve Okay. My whole life, I followed His rules. I studied, I believed, I practiced what I preached. I did every single thing He asked of me. Patient :And that guarantees you what? Kepner: Excuse me? Patient: Well, where is the guarantee? Where is it written exactly that if you do this or that, that everything in your life's gonna be good, hmm? Nowhere, in any faith, is there a guarantee. Kepner: I'm not asking for everything to be good all the time, but fair I think that I - Patient: Fair? Was it fair when Isaac went blind and then his child betrayed him? And where was the fairness when Sara had to wait 99 years before she had a child, and God said, "Sacrifice him"? And Moses couldn't even get past the bouncer to the Promised Land. And like I said, I'm not up on the sequel, but from what I hear, Jesus got a raw deal. Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice. And if they lived lives like that, why should ours be diff different? Now, if people only believed in God when things were good, I guarantee you, after the Holocaust, not a single Jew would be a believer. Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believe when things are good. Kepner: Well, so, what? The world is just cruel and random, and there's nothing anyone can do about it? Patient: Look, I don't have a lot of time here. Do you mind if I just skip to the part where I pretend I don't know what to tell you? I'm just gonna tell you, okay? - Kepner: Okay. Patient: Terrible things happen. Terrible, wonderful, devastating things happen. Who are you to know why? Who are you to know why some people live and some people die? Kepner: Children die. Children who didn't do anything wrong, children who were broken before they had a chance to be whole, who were climbing in their own front windows. Patient: Right. And you don't get to know why any more than than I get to know why I'm dying from taking a pill that saves lives, that saves nearly everyone's life but it's killing me. So you can either believe in God and goodness, or you can believe it's pointless, it's cruel, and it's random whatever makes you happier. Are you? Happy? Kepner: It's not narcissism. Patient :Then what is it? Pain. Unimaginable pain. Yeah, I know the feeling. God's not indifferent to our pain. Listen, tikkun olam. Tikkun olam means that the world is full of brokenness and it's our job to put it back together again. It assumes that the world is broken and in need and in pain. And it's our job to fix it.
    1 point
  30. How old is she? Then why hang out with her in bed jerking yourself off?
    1 point
  31. Welcome to the fall out from the MeToo movement. Where every male is scared to fart at a women without consent. Feels sh*tty doesn't it? Just like it feels to be defamed by a woman who seemed okay with getting it on, yet felt uncomfortable and then cried rape afterwards.
    1 point
  32. [ATTACH=CONFIG]11507[/ATTACH] Picture of one of my most treasured memories as a kid. My grandparents, brother, cousins and myself camping up in Wisconsin at Indian Trails. I have been blessed with wonderful grandparents whom invested so much of themselves into us kids. Just thought it'd be nice to have a face with the story. Please pray for her. Her name is Mary.
    1 point
  33. This guy is a manipulative jerk. He has treated you poorly on multiple occasions. What does he have to do to get you to move on? Don't ever prove your love through sex. As you can see he was only after one thing. He does/did not love you. When someone is giving you the silent treatment when you don't put out, it means they do not care for/respect you.
    1 point
  34. If you trust him then it shouldn’t be an issue. You don’t have to like her or spend time with her. If he is trustworthy then she can’t MAKE him cheat.
    1 point
  35. Not necessarily. Some people don't have the ability to not lash out when confronted with these things. The result is the same. You don't need to be in front of someone to break up with them. She knows what she wants to do. If he's going to act like a child, then she's better saying what she needs to say and then letting that be that. And from the sounds of it, he's not going to take it well or respect her decision. She needs to look out for herself first.
    1 point
  36. I disagree. Past stalking behavior disqualifies him from a face-to-face. Your safety trumps etiquette, and there are no judges or juries involved in your love life. It's not a democracy, so nobody else gets a vote. You see a pattern that keeps you feeling trapped and stagnating in a lousy relationship, and that's all you need to know in order to seek all the help you can use in navigating yourself safely and permanently away from someone who has a history of attempting to hold you hostage, whether physically or emotionally. Head high, and be smart rather than 'nice'.
    1 point
  37. Who can expect a serious relationship from someone you "hooked up with" at a party? That's my first question. If she was willing to hook up/make out with someone she met three minutes ago at a party -- how can you be surprised if she has not already done the same with a friend? If you don't like the idea she slept with your friend, that's fine, but if you don't want to date a girl that might have slept with a friend, meet a girl who is not interested in swapping bodily fluids at parties with new guys, right?
    1 point
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