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Showing content with the highest reputation on 02/02/2018 in all areas

  1. Why don't you just ask him?
    2 points
  2. It seems like it could be a good fit since you plan on becoming pregnant at any time and will want time off initially to spend with baby and then do not plan to work full time hours anyways plus you will want hours that accomadate your childcare schedule. Being a new employee , depending where you are it varies, but generally you won't be able to pick and choose which hours you work ( speaking about when baby comes, if you take on a fixed role now). Pool work could give you experience, opportunity to make connections that could come in handy later, a chance to work in many different positions with different environments in a short time. You could work hard now while trying to conceive and early pregnancy, sock away money to stay home as long as you need and be looking for that perfect flexible post baby position meanwhile too. I wouldn't feel bad if you need to leave 'early' from the pool job , if you get pregnant sooner than later . People come on and our all the time, it's meant for folks in transition and/or looking for longer term work positions. However, just to note, I found my full time job I am currently in by picking up a summer of filling in for four! different positions within a workplace ( vacation and maternity cluster !). I learned more in that summer and became of such value to the company because I could already do more than full time staffers there. And was offered a full time job before my time was even up. So there is that too. But it's really up to you ! If you aren't happy with that idea, and you are not in a rush, you can of course keep looking. I will say this though - good to see your dentist now and be aware pregnancy can be hard on your teeth, and some dental work should not be done during pregnancy, so if make the dentist a priority now. If there's money to only work a few days a week, there's money for a dentist! And it's important.
    1 point
  3. Thankyou :( it really upsets me how inconsiderate some people are. This site is supposed to help people and make them feel NOT alone, not make them feel worse about the already bad situation :(
    1 point
  4. I left a career that I loved just so I could have the security of having benefits. Matter of fact, when they called to offer me the job and went on to list all the compensation, one of them medical after 90 days, I countered back saying I'd accept if they would consider medical benefits day one. They took a moment to think about it and agreed.
    1 point
  5. This makes sense to me, and I believe includes the bigger picture in your approach.
    1 point
  6. I wouldn't be having serious discussions or arguments like this after three weeks, period, whether in person, over the phone, or on WhatsApp. Respectfully, I'm noticing a trend with you and 1) putting way too much emphasis and interpretation behind text messaging and 2) over communicating both with picking bad battles and doing so too early, if ever there is a good time for it. Especially when it's quite early into dating, you should be taking in the person's character, not openly picking at or communicating flaws or incompatibilities along the way. To be fair to you (and I think this is advice I've actually given you), he probably should not be teasing over SMS altogether, never mind with someone who hasn't been exposed to him nearly enough to be able to read it with the tone or message intended. Still, in your shoes (and having been there myself), it's a bit thin-skinned and presumptive to take it as him genuinely calling you out as Oscar the Grouch's twin sister. You insinuated that there hadn't been any indication he was anything other than interested in you, so I'd have given him the benefit of not then taking it upon himself to outright judge you over SMS, and simply let him know (assuming it so offended you and you needed to voice your feelings at all) that you're sure he was joking but that you can have a hard time sussing out playful jabbing over texts. Quick and painless, no one's on the defensive, no one's wrong, and he's got the opportunity to amend his communication of his own accord. Is it ruined? I don't know. Seems like there's been some push and pull before and after the SMS ordeal, not to mention the ordeal itself. Sounds like it could be a cookie cutter case of incompatibility. Wear your best "fun time" hat to the theater. You told him how you felt, he's apologized, and enjoying yourself around him is going to provide him 300x the reassurance than having yet another conversation about it would. At this point, it's only as big a deal as either of you make it.
    1 point
  7. I also meant to add... If it isn’t already, the question of “why?” may ring loudly through your mind. Hopefully she will seek counseling to find out what ails her internally. I am a firm believer that when someone cheats, there is something wrong within. There is something going on deep within beyond the excuses she gave you. I’m assuming that will be explored later after all this dust settles for you. Therapy for you both individually and together (if reconciliation is possible) will be extremely helpful.
    1 point
  8. No two situations are the same. Your story doesn’t necessarily have to follow the same path as anyone else’s. You don’t have to make a decision anytime soon. Take your time. I think you are taking very mature and wise steps to handle this in the best way possible regardless of the direction you decide to take in terms of divorce. I am amazed by how well you are handling yourself. As if you read about this in some sort of manual somewhere. I’ve gotten my heart battered a bit and it is only because of that experience I would handle myself in the manner in which you are doing now. You are protecting yourself from every angle and I hear a lot of self awareness. It is because of this, I believe you will get through this. It will be long and hard, but you’ll prevail. We’re rooting for you.
    1 point
  9. How eloquent! Very good advice. ^^ First loves are often something special and nice memories. My ex from high school said to me years later. "You will always hold a special place in my heart" Some do have one and only love in their life, but most people I know had several missteps before finding a great match for life. Good luck.
    1 point
  10. Although you thought this was kismet, notice after a 15 min chat including why you were in town, your home town, etc., he never asked for your number, suggested coffee etc. Keep in mind, you approached him, he was was just being a polite commuter.
    1 point
  11. I think it's a bad idea because he will know/find out that you went to all that trouble just to bump into him again and even if he were interested in you that would strike him as over the top creepy. The most I would do is possibly find him on Linkedin (because it's a professional site) and see if he will link in with you. Sometimes people post photos, etc.
    1 point
  12. "I am going to take my time before I make any decisions, I know some people might view this a weak" No, not at all. Take your time. And taking your time doesn't me she has a chance either. It just means you are too raw to do anything right now other than getting thru this shock one moment at a time. You will start to get your balance back and the actions you need to act on, though difficult while seem somewhat more manageable.
    1 point
  13. Couple of things OP. Seeing the signs and not wanting to believe them is normal. Nobody, and I mean nobody, ever wants to believe that the person they love is a cheating, lying, backstabbing filth. That's why so many people usually need concrete proof before they can accept that it really is happening. It's why your friend has a job. People do see the signs, they do know what it means, but.....it's so hard to accept and you want to make every excuse possible not to. On top of that, cheaters lie and will go to any lengths to cover their tracks, including making you feel like you are crazy. It's what your wife did to you - telling you that you are crazy, controlling, imagining things, she is just trying to make a good impression, etc, etc, etc. Lies and deceit.....making you feel nuts even though you are not. This man she got with doesn't matter. Please don't focus on him, who he is, what money he has, etc. It doesn't matter. Nothing about him matters. He is just a blob in this. What matters is that your wife was ready and ripe and looking and if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. It's why it happened so fast. In a way, he just happened to be around and convenient for her. Cheaters want to cheat. Period. Even the lies they'll tell the other person are pretty much the same (and kind of mind boggling that people keep falling for the bs), basically that are just so gosh darn miserable in their relationship, their SO just doesn't get them the way this new person does. *eyeroll* Seriously, the bs is so monotonously the same. She has shown you a fundamental character flaw that you didn't know she has and it's hard to wrap your head around that. It just is. Definitely take your time, as much time as you need. However, do not blame yourself and do not allow her to blame you and she will. Trust me she will. Cheaters do not want to take responsibility for their actions. She will put up a fight - you weren't this or that, you didn't understand her, etc, etc, etc. IT.IS.ALL.BULLSH$T. It all comes down to this - I feel kind of guilty, I don't want to feel guilty, so I am going to justify why I did what I did by blaming you at all costs. Cheating is a purely selfish, self centered, egotistical act. There are no reasons, no justifications, no excuses for it other than they wanted to, it was exciting. So as you go through this keep that firmly in the back of your mind. If she was bored, she could have come to you, she could have come up with ideas to spice things up. If she was really so checked out and done with the marriage, she could have filed for divorce. There.is.never.a.reason.to.cheat. If you decide to at least try to work through this, don't even bother talking with her without an experienced marital counselor present who actually specializes in this kind of stuff. Otherwise all you are going to get is a mind fck from her as she will shift from crying, to telling you she is sorry, to buying you gifts, to blaming you, to telling you whatever she thinks you want to hear - she is saving her skin right now, literally, and she'll try anything at all to see what sticks.
    1 point
  14. I guess you can contact him but if you decide to keep seeing him no more texting or messaging unless it's to make or confirm a plan or you're running late. Talk on the phone or in person. Period.
    1 point
  15. "I didn't respond to his further texts because there was no substance discussion." I would find it rude for someone not to respond at all. If it were me, I would've responded and added, "I have such and such a thing to do now, so I'll talk to you later." I'd also have serious discussions or arguments in person or with a phone call. Texting lacks intonation and makes things worse than they were intended to be. I don't know if you can salvage things or not. If it doesn't work out, you can assume he might've been a jerk, after all, with his judgmental texts. With OLD, I ended things with many prospects, some before I'd even met them because of inappropriate things they said, and at least one ended it with me after I said something stupid. It's common, in the early stages of dating, to misunderstand each other or to be annoyed if you don't mesh. If it doesn't work out with him, your fate lies elsewhere and you can start fresh with someone else. Good luck.
    1 point
  16. So, I would be taking his messages as banter. But since you have only given us a hint of what he said, it's hard to say. But when he apologies and chats more, you start judging him insecure? I honestly don't think that you two connect well via text as you are obviously WAY over thinking things and as has been already said, it is easy to misconstrue text messages. I honestly don't see this going much further.
    1 point
  17. If the communication is this awkward and difficult, you're just not a good match.
    1 point
  18. I don't know, feels like you should have thought about this a bit more before cutting her loose. I agree with danZee... I mean, when you find someone special, all that nonsense doesn't matter (money, life, etc.). I mean, if you two are right for each other you make it work. But you didn't do that, or give it a chance to. You cut her off and probably crushed her in doing so. Nothing worse than spending xmas with someone and things and then dumping them a month later. Furthermore, this was still pretty early on, I mean, I think people should date a few years before engagement/marriage/mortgage talks. Was she rushing into these things, wanting to buy a house and start a family? If so, it's not really all on you that this ended the way it did. If you try to win her back, I don't know if she'll buy it. You can't just dump people and run back to them again. You know, I'm kinda-sorta in a similar predicament to you. I have a mother who's been in and out of the nursing home and hospital for the past year, and due to that, I've stayed at home (turning 28 this month) helping her and my dad. So I 110% understand your predicament, and getting involved with women. But, you know, you are entitled to your own life as well. You don't have to quit living because your mom didn't plan things out financially well. Yes, that's hard to say considering your dad left her. But, you always gotta look out for yourself. Her mortgage isn't your responsibility, it's hers. If she can't afford it, maybe it's time to downsize until she can get back on her own two feet. One thing I want to warn you of, if you keep doing this, you could get stuck in a rut with her. She's gonna keep using you as a crutch. First it's the house, then cars, then food every day. And then you're in debt. My mom did it to me, started before she even had her health problems. Just make a gameplan, if you want to finish school living with her, or do whatever. But plan for your own future; not for someone else's, mom included.
    1 point
  19. This has been an ongoing issue with many breakups, and honestly it may very well be over now. Whatever happens, you need to grab control of your life and get proactive and help yourself. That means getting into AA and sticking with it. Avoid triggers and people who make it easy for you to drink. You need to break this cycle even if your children's mother stays gone, because if you want to have any relationship with your children, you need to modify your behavior and be a safe, healthy, positive parent to them. What they see and how you act they will carry with them for a lifetime. It's time to get tough, and love yourself and your children over the bottle. No excuses. I've known alcoholics who have turned to born again Christian type churches to help, along with AA. And they have successfully kicked the habit. It was a struggle initially but with the retreats and support they received they got on the right path. The answer never lies in the bottom of an empty bottle. You have a tough road ahead, but if you can do this, it will get easier. The first step is admitting the problem, which you have done. Now act on it. Good luck to you.
    1 point
  20. I think you both are getting too flustered over the text messaging game. I think there is a serious amount of over analyzing going on here with your responses, him not texting, and etc. And I also think it's just a little soon for some of the lovey-dovey messages but to each their own. I would still meet the guy if you two are on, if you really like him anyway. I just think it's not blowing over some stupid misread text messages. But if you really don't feel comfortable, then don't go. The choice is up to you. I think, if you are uncomfortable simply over text messages, that would be a shame. If the guy in general gives you a bad vibe though, maybe pass.
    1 point
  21. Not sure, but sometimes those words are meant in a playful way, not to be taken seriously when someone likes you. They can tease you like that. I don't think you texted anything wrong but I do think he's being careful as to what he says now because he knows he offended you. That's not a really great start to the relationship. You calling him "dear" would not scare him off, unless he took it in a sarcastic way, which when texting it's hard to determine the tone behind the words, because you aren't hearing them spoken, just reading them. You can call him , or if he texts you, tell him you want to talk over the phone. That will give you a better idea of what he's thinking. Anyway, if you feel uncomfortable, why bother anymore? Take a friend that you feel safe with.
    1 point
  22. You're on the younger side for Fatal Attraction but it does start to sound like when the "mistress" that he slept with a few times starts imagining that he's actually in love with her and how connected they are. You're not "there" yet but your post was concerning in the path it was taking. It's really ok if someone is not interested in dating you and enjoys typing flirty texts to you. Many men will want to date you (and also flirt with you!). You don't need the silly ego stroking "it's because he's not over his ex" to move on. You're a strong career woman who's smart as you self-described -use those attributes/qualities to move on with pride - "I am enough, I am a good person and not everyone is going to want to date me and that's ok."
    1 point
  23. Some days are bad and I go through the feelings that you are going through. Some days I don’t experience them at all! It takes time to heal. I understand that it’s difficult to do the NC because of your children but I’d say when you do talk to her, only talk about your children. I’ve had many convos with my ex about our feeling and it always ended up with one of us confused, hurt or angry. You need time to heal. Go through the motions and the emotions. Feel free to rant if you need too. We’re all open ears. :)
    1 point
  24. Hung out with a few friends tonight, had a good time. I think I need to explain a little more about the watch. He put the watch in her office and she's waiting until, after his flight leaves in the morning for the conference to clean out her stuff, only a skeleton crew will be there so that's the best time. My buddy will be watching everything from a distance to make sure that's exactly what happens. That watch was a very personal thing for me, I have an old one that my dad gave me, but it's been falling apart over the years and I'm tired of taking it in to get repaired, I just want to put it away somewhere as a keepsake, every time I tried to buy a new one she would tell me not to because she said when it's her turn to go back to work she wanted to be the one to buy me a new Rolex. So that's the story behind the watch. I will admit, a tear fell when I saw it, but I just put it back in the box and locked it in the safe. My buddy has really been a great resource, he's got years of experience with these sorts of things. His advice is that I go ahead and file for divorce and that I can always stop it, he said I need to accept the fact that the marriage I thought I had is dead and the wife I thought knew is gone, she made the mess, let her clean it up and that even if we decide to reconcile I will never be able to trust her or look at her the same again. I'm grateful for his help, still a little weird having such a good friend of ours watch her, but if I had to choose someone I guess I would rather it be him. I am going to take my time before I make any decisions, I know some people might view this as weak, but this is still my life and I have to give myself enough time to find out if I can live with everything that has happened. I know what she did was wrong, but she's been caught, she's been busted, she took a gamble and she lost, but I'm not going to just toss her away like yesterday's trash, she's still a human being with feelings, I'm not going to be cruel and sadistic to her. I can't bring myself to do to her what she's done to me. I'm not sure if we're going to make it, I'm leaning more towards divorce, but I still have a few days to decide before I move forward. Once again, thank you all for the thoughtful responses, I wish I could reply to all of them, but I do read everything you write. Will try and get a little sleep and will update if anything significant happens. BTW: The text message reply I sent to him was not: "F U" It was: "F OFF" :)
    1 point
  25. Whoa, with you until up to this... regardless of what you think of him, don't badmouth him to the kids. I can speak from personal experience, thats not cool. Children identify with both their parents, mostly on a subconcious level. And it doesn't manifest as 'helpful, constructive criticism' usually, it's more like 'low self-esteem' kinda stuff. I would just apply the same rules to Dad. And if they ask, just say that the same rules apply for everyone. Just my 2 cents, T
    1 point
  26. How on earth can your friend know for a fact that this guy is still hung up on his ex? Has your friend met this guy? Had conversations with him? Ever even seen him in person? Yeah, it's soothing to think he isn't dating you because he still wants his ex. But there is zero basis for this assumption and only serves to give you an excuse to keep up the pointless texting.
    1 point
  27. Don't judge all counselors by just one. You may have to try several before you click with one. You've become a victim of faulty thinking due to his putting you down or making you feel bad for going out with friends. Don't fall for that. You made some mistakes as a partner but you've shown a willingness to learn from it and become a better partner. It sounds like he's only interested in punishing you. No matter what mistakes you've made you deserve to be happy and feel valued. Try another counselor and don't sit around hoping for the light to come on with this guy. Get out and have some fun.
    1 point
  28. Right, Knight, you brought your concerns to her and she pushed you away, denied there was anything going on. From the opening post:
    1 point
  29. We have seen a lot of people go through this on this forum. Do not doubt yourself. You are probably doing the best I have seen on here in the past year when I started being active on here. Don't let her make you doubt yourself either. I have been with my wife for 13 years. EVERY relationship has issues. EVERY ONE. She was the one who made the conscious choice to turn to another man instead of working on those issues with her husband. She chose to dive into a bull fantasy with another man instead of working on the real issues making her unhappy in her marriage. That is not your fault. Even if you saw this about to unfold before it did and stopped it, that flaw to turn away from you when she isn't happy instead of turning towards you is still present.
    1 point
  30. I missed all the signals she says she tried to send me that's BS. She didn't send you signals. She was having an affair and she used the times that it was actually showing to say she was trying to make you jealous. If she was giving signals, she would say take you by the hand to the bedroom, she would suggest places to go out on a date, etc. Her "signals" must have been so subtle that they were only in her head. maybe tell her that an affair doesn't make husbands jealous, it makes them feel rejected.
    1 point
  31. Really cool that this thread has come to this place. Honest questions. Honest dialogue. Lots of different perspectives. Kudos for keeping the conversation going. And nice that you've maybe learned something about yourself and your interactions in the world at large.
    1 point
  32. I don't think there's any way you can open him to it. I think when people feel good about a relationship, they feel naturally inclined towards doing things that will benefit their partner. I mean, you don't lose yourself in that other person by doing things that may actually harm you. But in this instance, it's just counselling. I wonder why he feels threatened by it. Maybe there's a way you can invite him to share that. Have you had a really explicit conversation with him about why it's important to you? Not why it might be important to other people, but why it feels important to you. Keep it on that very personal level. The idea isn't to push or suggest or try and guide him to a particular response or reaction. Just providing him with information about you. Important information that may help him feel more open because he can see what you value. I think some people have hangups about asking for help, or laying out some of their personal business for some "stranger" to "judge or analyze". Maybe there are some attachments to the idea that counselling is all about "fixing" things. I'd have an aversion to it if that's where my thoughts went. Just an idea, but if you're able to express to him that you're not wanting to push him towards something he's not comfortable with, maybe he'd be open to exploring the idea from a distance. Maybe you could find some profiles or info on specific counsellors and let him read about it. Maybe if he felt he had some input in the matter it wouldn't feel so threatening? Tough to really say anything without knowing why he feels the way he does. You're in the best position to figure that out. Good luck!
    1 point
  33. I agree with Wiseman. I would personally feel annoyed if you expected me to provide links to random funny things all day. Who has time for that? If you want to get to know him better, see him more!
    1 point
  34. I think she's not interested and that she has a boyfriend. Look for another girl at school to date. Simple as that.
    1 point
  35. I get the impression that you don't value yourself, that you want to hurt yourself. Maybe you feel like you deserve it.
    1 point
  36. Excellent post. The only thing I want to clarify for anyone reading this who is in the trenches who might feel a sting reading this - finding someone new isn't the 'I've healed' moment. It really kinda drives me crazy how it seems to always be portrayed in movies that a heartbroken person moves on by getting with someone else. True happiness within yourself is the goal.
    1 point
  37. There is no 'current' opportunity when someone is still living with someone else. Best you can do is preserve any future potential while you have THAT opportunity. If it falls through, then this was hardly a meant-to-be deal, and you've spared yourself some messy fallout. Think.
    1 point
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