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Showing content with the highest reputation on 08/30/2011 in all areas

  1. To me, as I read it, this is full of contradictions. "....it will be quite a passive approach in a way." coupled with "..I will show her that I love her though the conventional ways that people do so (e.g. thoughtful gifts, etc)." How is this passive? To me this equals DIRECT, not passive. Passive to me....looks something like, when she provides you the opportunity to be her audience, you are supportive and kind. "But I am not acting out of my own neediness." Ok, so maybe neediness is not the right word to describe this..... I would say that you are acting out with your own desire. She could interpret that as "neediness" in that you are not respecting her wishes and in fact are flat out ignoring them. If you are giving her gifts, you are acting as if you are in denial about the relationship being over. Someone could perceive that denial as an act of "neediness." Either way, it is YOU making a direct effort, based on YOUR desire to be in relationship with her, with the expectation to show her differently and effectuate her changing her mind. This appears to me as being in direct conflict with "...and refrain from letting my own needs get the better of me." It is your own needs that you are acting on so they have gotten the best of you, right now. "That might show her how serious I am about her..." This to me is a form of convincing her that she is wrong and that you are expecting to change her mind. "....I will heal eventually." Here is where I have real concern for you. You are making yourself out to be a doormat. I understand what you are trying to achieve however, if you were not treating her in this way while in the relationship and her calling it quits causes you to see the "error in your ways and change" what you are doing is swinging the pendulum waaaay to far in the other direction. It is one thing to acknowledge that you could have been better, done better, etc..... Be loving and kind and supportive when she allows you to be her audience. But gifts, convincing, etc.....How would she trust any of this? How would she not see this as a huge attempt on your part to not lose her when it is too late (when you could have made these changes in the relationship) and not waited for her to end things to "see the light"? I hope that you understand what I am trying to point out. Too many of us have "been there, done that, got the t-shirt..." You are going to have a longer journey to healing and the saddest part is that the path you are taking at the moment could lead to your building resentment which is counter productive to anything positive (e.g. your healing, growing from the experience, possible reconciliation with the ex, etc..) It is one hell of a tough journey you are about to venture out on.....let us know when you got the t-shirt, and we will welcome you into the fold. Best of luck....
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  3. I agree. Also, not every relationship fails because both sides were at fault. There are plenty of relationships which fail because one person is causing the majority of the problems. Often there is one person who wants to work things out and the other person just continues on destroying the relationship...and they have the same pattern of destruction in each and every relationship. So while I think everyone benefits by looking into their own behaviours and actions during a relationship...I don't think that in every case both sides can equally fix themselves to make the union viable...sometimes one person needs to fix themself a whole lot more than the other person in order to make the relationship viable...and it is often the people who are MOST at fault for the relationship ending who are the ones LEAST likely to make honest to goodness changes. The ones who are least at fault will likely look at themselves and change the part that needs changing..but the reality is that this was likely not the main reason for the relationship going south. It is kind of like in school..the good students vs the bad students...the good students getting grades of 80-85 will likely strive even harder to improve and be the best they can be...the students flunking out or barely scraping by will make the bare minimum in effort or none at all.
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  4. jasper01, i agree with everything you are saying.. but i am not convinced that understanding oneself and being open to the other (communication) will bring your ex back.. as it appears happened for you. in my case, i think there is a point of no return. my ex has moved on in the 3 months, not willing to look at his pain and fears. how can you address that with someone who is not willing to go there?
    1 point
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