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Showing content with the highest reputation on 03/30/2009 in all areas

  1. Ren, girl you need to take a breath and relax! I have written down a few thoughts having read through this thread. Please be assured that it's all written with the best intentions. But I don't believe I can help you by simply telling you that everything will be ok and that you are doing fine with what you are doing. That would just enable you (IMHO) to stay right were you are: not having to take an action, yet worrying yourself to death about why he is not pursuing you. Ren, you are not making a whole lot of sense at the moment which is probably due to your high levels of anxiety: you don't want to take medication, because you are afraid of becoming dependent on it and are afraid you might not be able to receive it in the future due to fears about your job situation so what, if you would need to take medication for some time in order to decrease your anxiety. that doesn't make you a better or worse person, but it would help you to become the person that you want to be. By choosing NOT to take an avenue that has been shown to help you in the past is an active act of self sabotage. Your high anxiety levels are most likely due to some sort of chemical imbalance, the medication is meant to restore that balance. - In cases like anxiety, the severity is often linked to external factors/ specific situations. Currently you are experiencing an extra amount of stress due to your situation with P, with your new group of friends, and at work. Taking the medication just for a few weeks in order for you to resolve some of these situations, might be sufficient to help you get through these situations and get you to a better place, where things won't stress you that much anymore and you could stop taking the medication. your shyness, anxiety considering how long you have been dealing with these issues and how frequently you post about it, seems to indicate that you are not simply dealing with one specific incidence of anxiety, but that it is something more ongoing. Thus if you want to change something about this, you have to take some drastic measures. Simply posting will not help you, because as much advice as you get, none of us can really help you to put it into action in RL. Thus I suggest you to consider some behavioral therapy for you to learn how to destress and how to learn to keep your anxiety under control. There is nothing wrong with considering therapy. Consider it like an extra training unit in fencing: some people need more, some people need less, yet you can all learn how to fence in the end. your situation with P I'm not going to suggest you any more what to do about this, because essentially there are only 2 options. Many people have given their opinion. And with every additional opinion you are as far as you were before. There will NEVER be a single situation (when it comes to reading someone else's behavior/ (dis)likes) where every single person on the planet will agree. Thus in the end you always have to make the decision by yourself. The big question is: WHAT WOULD HELP YOU TO MAKE A DECISION??? One thing that you have to start to realize: you cannot look at any situation just from your point of view. You have reasons for every single act that you did in respect to P and you are analyzing his reaction according to what you want, but you are not looking at your behavior how HE might perceive it and interpret it. You can claim shyness for your behavior, fair enough. But you have to consider what type of behavior/ character you are projecting. It might be very different from what you are planning to do. You keep saying that he should know that you like him, because for you it's obvious. But for him most likely it's anything but obvious. You ask, how much clearer you should be, while in truth, you haven't been clear at all. You think your intentions must be clear to P because you THINK that it's clear to your friends - I'm sure you haven't told your friends that you told P that you are not interested in him in a romantic way. You started this thread because you are annoyed by how he acted "towards you". The poor guy is probably not even aware that his behavior could have an effect on you. your fear of being turned down by him it's a fear we all have to face, it's part of live. You can choose not to face that fear, but then you have to be prepared to face another fear: that you might end up alone. Because if it is not P, it will be some other guy about who you will have to worry if he likes you or not. However, in this specific situation, you KNOW that he cares about you at least as a friend and it's quite unlikely that he wouldn't want to stay friends with you. Be honest to yourself: if you do NOT ask him, will you be able to put this behind you and forget your romantic feelings for him and still hang out with him and your common friends? Will you not be embarrassed or disappointed? Will it not hurt you to see him eventually move on to another girl? your group of friends good for you that you have this nice group of people with who you share so much and have so much fun with. What do you think they will eventually think about you, if you keep asking them to interpret P's behavior for you? Eventually they might become wary/ uncomfortable to have both you and P around at the same time, if his behavior upsets you. decision making you haven't actually made a decision, you have chosen to not do anything and still expect a certain outcome. It's one thing to say that you don't want to ask him out because in the long run he would not be the right person for you, but it's something else by saying you are not doing anything, because you want a guarantee that things will turn out the way you want them to. One is a valid argument, the other is unrealistic. By not making a decision however, you are trying to evade responsibility. Unfortunately it won't work. Because you are still the one who chose not to do anything so the responsibility is still with you. As someone already mentioned, it seems that you are a bit addicted to the drama of not making a move, this enables you to overanalyze every word/ action that P makes and probably releases a high amount of adrenalin and endorphines. you are a strong person you have proven that you do possess strength by choosing to do a sport and sticking with it that requires a lot of skills that you have trouble with in a social environment and despite the disadvantage due to your size. Now you have to find the same strength and stubborness and transfer it into your social life - tell yourself: "I don't care that I am shy and anxious, I will go after what I want anyway".
    3 points
  2. Sometimes people with depression do not want that contact. In fact, generally people with clinical depression push people away and isolate themselves. There's no harm is asking her to grab a coffee, or go for lunch..whats the worst that can happen? You'll get a no. Sometimes if people are just down and going through tough times, they want someone they can just hang out and be with, and going out for lunch [although if she's tight on cash it may not be ideal...] or suggest going for a walk [exercise is a natural anti depressant..] just try and find something for the two of you to do. Just offer yourself to her, make an offer for something for the two of you to do. Sometimes people just need to talk, and get out. There's only so much you can do. She needs to seek the professional advice and turn herself around..but sometimes having that support system in place can help that process come along.
    2 points
  3. When you are in therapy, you go thru a period where you feel like you are getting worse rather than better. This is because you are dragging the skeletons out of the closet in order to get rid of them. You can't get rid of them if you don't bring them to the surface and deal with them. A better analogy might be cleaning out a really dusty closet. At first you are overwhelmed when you see how dirty it is and just say, i can't deal with that, i'll deal with it later and just walk away. Then one day you feel strong enough to tackle it, but you get in the middle of it, are covered in dust, miserable and thinking, why did i even try with this, look what a mess and i am covered with dust and sneezing and miserable. But the answer is to just keep going, and you will eventually clean out that dusty closet, and you will feel clean and happy and have a wonderful new space to take advantage of. So you can't get to the other side without going thru it. And when you're in the middle of it, you may lose a little hope, feel miserable, be confused, not understand why you are doing this, wonder if you can ever get thru it, or whether it was even worth it. the point is that love and a good relationship really is worth it. And if you need to do some work in therapy to learn how to do it right and clean up your dysfunctional past, then that is the price you pay to get that really good thing. You can and will survive the journey if set a goal to do it. why not set a goal to attend one year of therapy before giving up. that gives you enough time to get thru that middle stage where you're not sure why you're doing it or if you could make it. Just because you don't have the skills to deal with things now, doesn't mean you won't in future. You can't expect to be a doctor without going thru school first, right? Same thing applies here. You need to go to 'school' to learn what a normal relationship feels like, and you don't learn that overnight. But it is worth the effort to come out of your shell and really live life to its fullest rather than avoiding all the things that scare you or you haven't dealt with before. You gain confidence as you go along, it is not awarded to you in a big lump in the beginning of the journey. The confidence comes as a RESULT of the journey, and if you refuse to take the journey, you're stuck where you are living a limited life.
    2 points
  4. Ren, in the past 3 months, you have started about 25 threads worrying either about this guy or this group of friends. That's approx. 2 threads per week. I can't imagine being so stressed out and anxious about someone I like or a group of friends that I would start that many threads! So, I'm wondering if you got on the anxiety meds you had talked about? If you choose not to get into therapy to deal with your anxiety, and you rely on ENA to help you, I think you're going to continue to worry because you're not getting to the root of the problem. There is more going on here than simply, does he like you or not or do these friends of yours approve of your behavior or not or should you ask him out or not. I have compassion for you Ren. It must be horrible to have to worry all the time, but ultimately no matter what we tell you or how much we reassure you, you're still going worry. I think it would help you to look at how you might unconsciously set up situations for yourself that increase your anxiety. For example, when P joked with you about liking him, you told him no. You have made no clear signs that you like him as more than a friend. In fact, you have done the opposite.
    2 points
  5. Hi Alyssa56! Hmm.. how should i start.. First of all, you are not alone in going through tough times! so please use this as some sort of comfort for yourself. After reading your thread, i feel i could relate. My problem was different from yours though but the feelings of what we went through was quite similar so i totally understand you!! It was only him that could calm my feelings.. going out with friends won't even distract me at all from thinking about him.. everything was about him.. my happiness was from him.. i loved him more than myself.. then when we broke up (6 year relationship).. it felt like everything was gone. i felt lifeless, didn't love myself and i even had suicidal thoughts.. at the same time, i knew this wasn't what i wanted to go through. i don't want to be a hopeless person! i'm sure you don't want to feel down as well, and that's why you've came here for help. (excuse my poor writing skills) ok i'll get to the point now. i just want to share how i got over the hardest stage from feeling suicidal and zero self love to caring about myself, focusing on myself, accepting things and moving on. i really hope this would be some sort of help in your situation. during the most painful and hardest times, all i can think of was: "i don't wanna be in this situation anymore". but at the same time everything felt impossible to be better. no one could comfort me.. friends advice didn't sink into me.. my mind was always on him.. but reading things from this forum was my only source of comfort.. (and you've came to the right place) start by believing that you can be happy without him. even if your not. i think the key for me was believing in myself. then i realized that i always gave into my emotions and that took the life outta me. so because i started believing in myself that one day things will work out. i decided to take a different approach on seeing things. instead of using my heart to feel the sadness and pain.. i forced myself to think logically and pretend i'm looking at my situation in a 3rd person point of view. and from that, i could analyse things in a logical manner.. then gave myself those instructions as to what my next steps are in order to love myself and accept what's already happened.. and so i started neglecting how my heart feels (the lost and pain) and start using my logical side.. it really helps me improve myself and made me smile because i've achieved something for myself, so i had just helped myself! did you know with every down side there is a good side? i then saw that this negative experience had helped me create an important learning experience which made me a stronger person and would handle negative situations better in the future. all this was within a month ago. hope my mini story had been some sorta help for you. because before you know it, your moving on! just believe in yourself first!!!! i believe you can do it! oh sometimes taking a break from everything would help. go on a short holiday alone if u have to and do some self reflecting.. or do things to improve yourself e.g exercise.. walk in parks.. stop drinking/smoking.. it will make u feel a more positive in the long term! i really hope the day you'll feel happy would come soon.. just remember like everything else.. it's always very very hard at the start and feels impossible.. just don't give up on trying for yourself! GOOD LUCK!!
    2 points
  6. image removed image removed Also pics from the Baby Bash, a get together where friends bring over their babies who are all around the same age. image removed image removed
    1 point
  7. I would definitely go to Paris and Barcelona. I agree that Switzerland is great... if you had more time to travel around. if you are after pretty cities, Bruges is great as well. have you also checked out these airlines? link removed link removed link removed link removed (I've never had a problem...although many complain, but can get some really cheap deals)
    1 point
  8. I could't agree more! PG, I admire your sense of self worth for knowing you deserve to be treated better than that and not accepting anything less. Good for you. I am dealing with someone of the same mentality as your ex.(as you know) The bottom line is, truth promotes understanding, patience and closeness, anything else is distructive to a relationship. When he found it easier to just lie, it's like him saying, "I don't care enough about us to take the time and explain." Who wants that? You are WAY too caring and smart to deal with someone like that. You have a lot of friends here, don't forget that. Smile and have a wonderful day!!
    1 point
  9. Exactly. I am still unclear why the manager was called yet the OP was the one threatening to call security. Once the manager is called in to assist it becomes their issue to handle. The manager should also have been called earlier. When you deal with a hot tempered person telling them to go check their owner's manual for warranty information will only make them angrier. Manager's have at least some training to handle this and if they don't, it is the cmopanies fault, not the employee. When I was in a customer facing position years ago I found that nine times out of ten even very angry customers will soften if you don't ignore their request to speak to a manager. They want to feel that all avenues have been exhausted when they have a complaint and let's face it, front line employees do not always have the most authority. I have had many things overturned out of courtesy when I speak to a manager so even tho this customer was being an ass about it, that was still his right to escalate it. While I in no way shape or form condone what this customer did, I do think it could have been handled with more kid gloves than this because some of the things the OP said to the customer are exactly the type of thing YOU DONT say to someone angry. There comes a point when you stop trying to reason with an unreasonable person, and telling them to read their warranty is not the best thing to say. Getting the manager when it is clear they are unhappy is the best route to take. It is also the best idea to empathize with the customer even when you can't help - such as saying "I really understand why you are so frustrated - let me call my manager and see if he can do something to help" This should be a statement made anytime a customer is getting angry over policy vs 'read your owner's manual warranty terms and conditions". It really wasn't handled appropriately. When a customer is upset, the worst thing you can say to them is calm down or I'll have to call security. and tell them to read what it said on my computer screen about the warranty they had and it says *quote "Under no circumstances is the product to be returned for a new model after the first 30 days of the warranty". These were very confrontational statements. I would think even a non violent customer would be pretty upset hearing this after spending what was likely at least 500 dollars, and this was the store that sold it to him - and while no abuse - physical or verbal - was warranted and i don't condone it i will say saying these things is not the proper way to speak to any customer, even those who are not putting up an ugly fuss. Even if there is only slight irritation that type of response is very poor. I dealt with some of the angriest customers on the planet and the type of information i gave them could make or break how it ended. I have had the meanest customer's on the world end up thanking me after all was said and done just by handling the situation with more empathy (put on your own customer hat sometimes and you can better understand why they get frustrated....think if you bought a 500 dollar system that was junk...it can make a person very upset - you might not handle it like he did exactly but you would likely still be angry, and this kind of empathy helps in how you talk to the angry customer). I have witnessed what were normally calm and even keel folks get downright hot and heavy when they know that they have just spent a wad of money on something that is not working properly. They just want someone to tell them there is help out there or at least make a very strong effort to exhaust all avenues. To be honest I would have offered to call Sony for the customer before he got so angry. Just one of those 'extra mile' things a person can do if the store isn't too packed (and in todays economy there are usually fewer jam packed days than more). Again, not condoning the customer, just trying to give feedback on how you can likely avoid this happening again in the future no matter how hostile the customer is.
    1 point
  10. Better now than later! My experience with people who lie for 'convenience' is that they can and will lie about bigger and more important things later. He's showing how selfish he is (i.e., rather than take a couple bad moments because you might be upset he is cancelling, he just blows you off and doesn't care if you're waiting around for him). then when confronted, he lies to make it easier on himself rather than take responsbility for his behavior. so that is an adding insult to injury scenario, with TWO problems, the first being he blows you off and doesn't care if you're waiting around for him, and the 2nd being lying to avoid taking responsbility for what he'd done. So he's showing you very clearly he'll do whatever he wants regardless of the effect on you, then if necessary, lie to try to weasel out of the consequences. people who are willing to do that, often are the types to justify why it is OK to cheat as long as they don't get caught, or as long as they can lie their way out of it (or THINK they can lie their way out of it). Good riddance! you're dodging a bullet here. Maybe he would grow up and out of this, or maybe he'd just become a more accomplished liar with more practice! People who lie randomly like these usually just become better liars with age, since moral conscience is usually set by the time someone is quite young and doesn't change over time.
    1 point
  11. I hate to say this, but I believe it was only a booty call, and nothing more. Having sex only, does not equal a relationship, you need the trust and committment first in order to have any chance of it working out.
    1 point
  12. You have to accept that most people in their 20's have had a past, it's normal. If you don't then you have a rocky future together. She loves you, try and get past it.
    1 point
  13. If he was a good guy in every other way, I wouldn't have dumped him. It was a white lie, so what? Can you honestly say you've never told a white lie? If he was with another girl or drinking all the time, I would say, yes, dump him. But he told a small lie about an insignificant event. I would have let it go.
    1 point
  14. If you have bi-polar instances in your family, then there is a high possibility you have inherited it. But bi-polar is a biochemical illness that requires medication to alleviate, and a 'talk' counselor is not sufficient to treat it. You need to insist on a referral to a psychiatrist, as they are specialists in diagnosing and treating all forms of mental illness, and knowing which drugs are appropriate for which conditions. They can also prescribe drugs, which a counselor cannot. A 'talk' counselor works very well for support and treating certain situations, but if you have a biochemical illness, you need to consult a specialist, which is a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will work with you to find appropriate medication for you, and may also send you to a counselor if that will also help. But a counselor alone is not sufficient if you are bi-polar.
    1 point
  15. Sounds like jealousy to me as well, possibly also directed at her because like you said, her experiences have come easily to her and in comparison to your history, hers has been much less complex and nerve-wracking. Whatever it is, you need to control it or work past it somehow. You said yourself she doesn't cheat, she has long-term relationships and she sounds very committed to you. If you want to make it work with her then you have to accept that her past is done and dusted, and no amount of talking can change that she's had sex before - all you can do is deal with your reaction to it. Do you enjoy your sex life with her? If she didn't have her past and was a virgin when you met, emotionally as well as in experience, she would be a different person to the girl you're in love with. Her previous boyfriends have had a part in making her into the women you're with, someone who sounds comfortable with her history herself. Would you want to change that? At the end of the day, your feelings are not justified unless she ever gives you reason to feel uncomfortable about her past by flaunting it in front of you, teasing you in an unkind way about your lack of experience in comparison, or doing anything that makes you feel bad intentionally. But she doesn't sound like that from what you've said.
    1 point
  16. i think the best thing is separate accounts- figure out what she owes in household expenses a month and have that money direct deposited into an your own personal account that she does not have access to. cancel all joint accounts- checking, savings, credit ect. you manage and maintain your own finances and she manages and maintains her own finances. You pay for your own daycare and anything to do with YOUR children and she does the same. do i think this is enough to end a relationship- no... i think that you need to try and find ways that you are no longer responsible for her finances and if she messes up - bounces checks, can't pay bills, ect... then thats her responsiblity to find a solution. how will she ever learn if you are always cleaning up after her?
    1 point
  17. I'm assuming most of it is just jealousy. You wish you could have been her first, or that you could've made her feel a certain way that no one else had ever made her feel before. I think it's natural to feel that way in any relationship--virgin or not. You want that person to be yours only, & you can't bare the thought of them having been with anyone else. Just like religion, politics, etc., people have different values about certain things. You really valued your virginity, & wanted to make sure you lose it to "the one", but she may not have felt the same back then. Doesn't make her immoral or insensitive. That's just the decision she made. What's important is that she's with you now, & that she's faithful to you. I think to some extent, it's your insecurity, too. She's your first, & you're afraid you won't be able to make her feel as good as her past partners have. What's important is the relationship you have. The sex only gets better with time & practice. Try to control your thoughts & emotions. When you find yourself thinking about her past, catch yourself & channel your thoughts elsewhere. If you don't learn to do this, you'll find that these same thoughts can ultimately ruin your relationship.
    1 point
  18. Ren, there are some really sound pieces of advice for you on this thread and on your other threads. But you seem to find an excuse or a justification for all of your behaviours and thoughts that don't agree with advice you're being given. You don't have to choose to follow any of the advice, but I wonder why you keep asking for it if you are not wanting to actually put some of it into practice. I agree with JS, that being so emotional and upset about someone hanging out with someone else for the evening is disproportionate to what happened. I think you created a scenario and expectations in your mind as to how the evening should pan out and when it didn't turn out the way you had already believed it would, you got upset. (I used to do this alot myself). People will not always behave the way we expect them to behave - that's just what life is like.
    1 point
  19. Do you love her enough to marry her? If so, leave the past where it belongs...in the past. What she did before she met you has no bearing on your relationship.
    1 point
  20. I don't really think it matters one way or another. What does matter is that you are not satisfied with you physical relationship with your bf. This issue will only get worse you know. I think you need to find some way of resolving this. If he really isn't that into sex and you are then perhaps you both need to find someone that fullfills each others needs better. Sex isn't everything but it is a part of a relationship and missing a part can be disastorous in the end. You are both very young and are finding your way, this may be just part of that as you grow and learn about yourselves. lost
    1 point
  21. I think we have talked about this before. You have to accept that people WILL hurt you. People WILL do things you wish they would not. The only way I know to insulate yourself against people hurting you is to KNOW that whatever they do is all about THEM, not about YOU. It's sort of like slow traffic, or long lines. When you expect them, they lose their power to immobilize you emotionally. Attachment is pain (suffering). All of us have to decide for ourselves how much suffering we are willing to endure. If you want no suffering, you accept no attachment. It's not for me to say if this is the way to live your life. I don't do it that way. I accept a certain amount of attachment and the suffering that goes with it. The only thing that makes it worth it to me is that I feel I have the tools to move forward through suffering, when it comes. Namaste
    1 point
  22. You could try. It might help. Looking it from the outside I can say that you created a whole plot about this P guy and so many scenarios while nothing really happens. You got caught up in details majority of us wouldn't even bother about not to mention notice. It's like you being entangled in a net of your anxieties and insecurities and hence obsessing over every single detail. It's not about P really. You should try to sort your anxiety out - it will help you build better relationships with people in RL.
    1 point
  23. I am sorry... sounds like made a wise decesion.. and your not the kind of person who puts up with bs just to have a bf... you will be rewarded with an honest real man one day.. each experince makes us stronger and wiser... it is spring enjoy being single.. and before you know it. a right guy will be there to take you out... sorry again.. i know it can be painfull... remember i told you months ago.. look at his action.. not his words... very proud of you for doing so...
    1 point
  24. I think you should call an apologize, see if you can get another interview, but I wouldn't expect one if I were you. Call for the sake of apologizing because you did inconvenience them. By not showing up, you showed them a lack of respect. In the future, you should call them in your car and say you are going to be late because of traffic. That way they can get on with their day until you arrive.
    1 point
  25. Ren, I wish you would just let this go. You are causing tension within this group of people when it is totally unnecessary. You need to stop doing this to yourself.
    1 point
  26. Ren, I feel for you. You have tied yourself up in knots over this whole thing, it seems as if the fixation with P is clouding everything remotely related to fencing/WOW/having fun and dinner with mutual friends. Personally, at this point, since it's clear you choose not to directly ask him out, I would drop it. Take a step back and look at all that you've gained in the past 6 months...and enjoy it. Seriously, weigh up the great social life you have vs the confusing situation with P. Ask yourself which you would prefer (because I think having both is unlikely). Just my opinion. As for the dinner situation, I understand your feelings but forget it. If it makes you feel better, next time you're out to eat buy them all an extra drink, or take extra food gifts (I know you take goodies sometimes) when you next visit mutual friend's house. They are your friends, friends look out for each other. Cherish it because not everyone has a social group like you have. Be proud of what you've achieved, instead of looking at what you haven't got.
    1 point
  27. I think we are born with love. We have love, and the people we trust to care for us don't always nurture that love and make it grow. Sometimes those people don't water it, don't tend to it, and even stomp on it and damage it beyond belief to the point we think we will never see it again. Our little love is always with us. It's eternal. We are forever childlike and forever loving if we work hard enough to find it. Trust honestly doesn't reside in others, it resides solely in ourselves. We are a complete package. We are a fully stocked store with all of the things in this world we need to live and flourish in the presence of others. The problem is that we usually lose track of the tools. We lose our trust, we lose our sense of inate love, and we don't know how to find them. You can trust. It isn't your horse that is trustworthy, it is you that finds yourself able to trust her. There are humans as trustworthy as horses, but we ususally attach our baggage to them and they suddenly become the same loser backstabber we have always known. You have to sit with yourself and find your love. You have to find your trust. They are in there. Think of it as a box of cereal with a toy in it. DIG. You will find it and it will be freakin sweet.
    1 point
  28. No, I don't think you should come out & say, by the way, I'm seeing a few other women just so you know. Just be careful that you don't give either one the impression that they are you one and only.
    1 point
  29. Hi there. I have been a self harmer since I was roughly seven, eight. I understand the feeling. You can tell between them. The feelings where you just want them to stop, to just stop screaming, and the ones where you just need to feel that addiction being seen to, to stop the urge, though it may not be strong, it is there; and you want it gone, the ones where you plan and you go through with it, feeling extremely relieved afterwards, there are many feelings out there, these are just a few, but I understand. It is good you are writing about this, perhaps, it is your choice, but maybe we could help you choose the right one; the one not to do this. You've gone a while now... why not one more minute, one more hour, one more day? I had a very extremely triggering urge yesterday, I held the razor in my hand, shaking, squeezing it, yet here I am, still roughly 3 months free. You can resist any urge, you just have to put your mind to it. Ask yourself this... What will harming yourself achieve? Just more urges to fight... stronger urges... ones that scream so loud you can't do anything but get deeper, and deeper into the addiction to shut them up... and soon... you'll be back to square one. You are not alone. Please PM me if you would like to. I'm here. Take care.
    1 point
  30. What is it going to take to get you to open up? You can live on the moon all you want, yet you will have to appreciate your many earthing's concerns for you at some point, including yourself. I have some good advice for returning martians like yourself. I can't really help you though until you are legit with your ultimate concerns when traveling to Earth. You need to be strait with yourself and those around you, who are truly trying to help you. Respond or PM and I will personally help you.
    1 point
  31. awwwwwwwww Sn0man, your very sweet....hugs...just take your time...let love find you!...I am in the same boat and believe me I am in no rush...smiles
    1 point
  32. If you go to the site, they have a link called "name your own price". Click on it and it will ask you for the destinations and the dates you want to go and how much you want to pay. The farther you book in advance the cheaper the price you can get. You can make a very low offer and they will find the closest match to your offer as they can. Like I said, I've gotten some really good deals that way before but I booked about 6 mos. in advance.
    1 point
  33. Definitely check out the "Lonely Planet" travel guides- order them from the library or spend an evening in a Borders reading through them. I used one for trips to Greece, Costa Rica and Maui and they had fantastic recommendations for food, hotels, museums, etc. ETA: Def. do NOT skip Paris. It's one of the most amazing cities I have ever been to- you will not regre it. It's beautiful and like no other city.
    1 point
  34. Try working on the issues that are causing the fights. If you get them resolved and you still feel the same way then you will have a decision to make. Remember, the most gorgeous guy can become awful ugly in your eyes if he's being a total jerk.
    1 point
  35. No one knows how you feel except you, but I'll bet the way you feel has a great deal in common with what many of us have felt. You are going to feel bad for a while, there's no escaping it. Eight years is eight years, it's going to take some getting over. But it will pass. Thinking about what you are saying it made me go back to a few years ago when I was lonely and seeing someone "casually". I remember enjoying the ego rush of being wanted etc and getting excited about getting pretty and going out. But the aftermath was a crushing comedown. When we parted each time and I returned to my empty house I felt totally alone and without a friend in the world. I felt hollow. I look back on that and can see why I kept pursuing the relationship: I was trying to replace the hollow, alone feeling with more of the "yay I feel pretty and I'm going out" feeling. But it's a self-perpetuating cycle. It was only when I was not doing that kind of thing that I could accept and be happy with being alone. It was anti-intuitive. Anyway, you have your experience and I have mine. I was also out of a very long term relationship, but had had a while since it ended (a year and a half or so). Thing is, I am wired for a serious relationship, which I found out, to my chagrin, only once I had commenced the whole 'casual' thing and was sucked into it. Think about what you really want, who you are, and how you'll feel the next day(s) in that casual relationship. If you are wired to stick it out in a long term deal you may not be cut out for this, but you can also suck it and see, so to speak.
    1 point
  36. I can appreciate your fear, and you can toss this or consider it: I'd muster all my courage and tell the therapist the one thing you're afraid to say. The fact that you can't say it or even write about it anonymously means it's not as small as you're trying to tell yourself. It's not about the therapist knowing, although it might really help her to help you, but there's something about speaking it that can pop the big bubble that's growing around it. Might also help to stay connected to this thread for a while. Journal with it, see what kind of ideas shake out and if any feedback helps. In your corner.
    1 point
  37. I'd respond, "Good. Let's save the money. I won't wear one, either." I'm also suspicious of engagement rings. Ever consider why they make 'em so pretty and only the woman has to wear one? (It's a conspiracy.)
    1 point
  38. Tips for No Contact 1. wait first. suppressing that desire to call is gonna make your body & heart feel a lot of tension and result in the opposite effect. tell yourself that it's not the end of the world if you call...but make yourself wait a few hours, after a few hours, tell yourself to wait a few more, etc. 2. get away from the phone. get out of the house and jog, do whatever it takes to change the setting you were in when you got the impulse to call. similarly, distract yourself by doing something else (shop, watch tv, eat, read a book, play video games, etc.) 3. imagine the conversation you'd have & all the negative things that can come out of that conversation. you'd get rejected again and feel that it's really over, this time, again! you'd find out that they have found someone! you'd find out that they haven't found anyone, but still don't want you back! 4. think of all the crappy things they've ever done to you. relive each moment. feel the sadness, pain, anger, frustration they'd put you through. 5. call someone else! go down your phone list and call someone til they pick up. talking to another person will let you vent and release some of those feelings of frustrations, sadness, despair, etc. 6. learn to let your feelings and impulses pass. every intense emotion stays in your body for a period of time and eventually decrease in intensity. this relates to step 1-wait it out. 7. take it easy on yourself and live through it each second at a time.
    1 point
  39. And LMAO at the "Yes it works!" posts after the main article. What do you notice about them? They all a similar form for their usernames, and they all posted 1 minute after each other! As fakes go, it's pretty feeble.
    1 point
  40. Follow your gut. Apparently something isn't right. Have you talked to her about this without accusing her?
    1 point
  41. Ok, calm down. It sounds to me like you are suffering from post-pardum depression. I had it after my daughter was born and it is hell. I was incredibly insecure, hated my life, cried all the time. You need to talk to your doctor. They can put you on an anti-depressant to help you get through it. I would also suggest a therapist as these feelings are not normal. He is with YOU, he loves YOU, not his exes. Women tend to feel unlovable after birth...your body may have some extra pounds, you are tired all the time from taking care of a baby, and you don't have as much time with your BF as you want. These are all normal. Please talk to your doctor and get some help, you will get through this. *hugs*
    1 point
  42. Chimera 1982, I could see myself being you and I could see myself being him. What is important - why he felt a need to pull himself out of your relationship. What was shifting his balance? Obviously it is not a sexual orientation issue, otherwise he wouldn't be flirting with guy in CA. So, it was something in the relationship that was a problem, there was a breach in connection. I do believe that friendship could be born and easily blossom only if you understand the nature of this lost connection (or may it is never existed?). Otherwise you will remain strangers to each other, people who built two different castles of illusions that are collapsed. One thing is an ultimate loyalty and dedication to your commitment and another thing - true understanding of each other. I would bet on understanding as a main thing for relationship that never die. Besides how friendship is different from love? It is the same love but without sex. If one truly unconditionally loves another why that would be a problem?
    1 point
  43. Your mistake was accepting friendship when you clearly can't handle it. Most people can't when they are in love with somebody. Why the confusion? The reason is that some part of her heart still wants you in her life, but that's the part that ONLY wants you as a friend and you are still holding onto the fantasy that everything is going to work out and you will be lovers again. She's not offering that to you right now. Clearly. Another aspect of this that is very serious is that SHE is also struggling to let YOU go out of her life because then she would have to face her pain and the consequences of her choice. At a subconscious level, her actions are really about avoiding her pain, and this is like a tease to you, makes you feel crazy, and basically strings you along and causes a depression. Like so many other broken couples on here, your problem is that you don't have any closure. Closure is healthy for both you and her to move on, and if done correctly, it allows both of you to face your and work through your pain. You could do it with a relationship therapist (ideally), or you could give a shot on your own, but you have to really do it right and not make any real mistakes. The thing is that right now you are the only one who is really suffering. She's basically fine. She has what she wanted for the most part, except that you're still around. Believe it or not, she really doesn't want you around, but she keeps you there to avoid feeling the full consequences of her decision, and you are allowing her to avoid this "emptiness." My advice would be to approach her for closure. Think about whether or not you are strong enough to do it in person or by phone, and make sure you really understand this and don't show any desperation. You really can't have any mistakes here. I would say something like this: "We've been on a rollercoaster and I've come to realize that it's because I've been selfish and struggling to let you go completely from my life. The truth is that it's too hard to go from being lovers to being friends, and being friends is just a cover-up of what we were unable to finalize. I would like to discuss having closure so that you and I can both move on, and so I will no longer feel the need to pursue you, because pursuing you is not respecting your space and I don't want to be selfish." For closure: "The truth is that I would still like a committed relationship with you, but I know that from your point of view, friendship would work better. However, friendship won't be on the table as, for me, it would be a tease of what we can't have, and too painful. Friendship also wouldn't work with your need for space and freedom. I want to let you go out of my life with love so that you can be free. I will leave the door open for a relationship if you change your mind, but I won't be waiting. I'll be dating and moving on with my life. I'll miss you, but it's really your call. I won't be angry at whatever you choose. I'm letting you go with love." If she says she will miss you, say "Thank-you very much." Let her feel insecure, and let her wonder if you ARE moving on. Then, really do move on. You can hold off on dating if you're not ready, but don't hold off on your life. She may or may not come back, but at least you will give her the chance to really feel what life is like without you. Remember, being in contact by e-mail, phone, in person, etc., would mean "friendship," and you can't be friends with this person, period! That is where NC comes in. If she contacts you, you respond politely by reminding her that you REALLY want to respect her space, and being in contact right now is not compatible with that. This is really a much more mature way to let her go and to have closure before suddenly going into NC. Remember, "closure" isn't threatening to someone who wants to get rid of you (sorry, but the truth is that she does want to get rid of you right now, and "friendship" is just a way for her to avoid her pain). She needs to feel that pain or she simply take you for granted and you will be depressed. This isn't a game; this is the truth--if you really do love her, then the most powerful way to show it is by letting her go, because you are doing it for her (don't tell her this--she needs to figure that out on her own). When you let her go with love, instead of guilt, blame, or hate, and if you do NOT pursue her in any way, then she has a chance to see what life without you is really like. When you pursue her, it is threatening to her, and she has powerful defense mechanisms at work that will interpret your pursuit as a threat and will further convince her that she made the correct decision. You should think about, or even make a list, of all the things you have done since breaking up that could be interpreted as pursuing her (you have already mentioned several). Then go through each item on your list, and remind yourself not to make those mistakes. Many people don't even know when they are pursuing. You can then be content that by closing things you will see the truth -- if she comes back, it is because she felt empty without you and she is capable of working on the relationship again; if she doesn't, she didn't feel empty and it is probably not meant to be. Take that to heart, so you no longer have to live with uncertainty -- it is that uncertainty that causes so many people on here pain. This healing process can take many weeks or months, and you have to leave her alone and move on with your life knowing you have done the right thing. She might come back, but the secret is not to "hope" that she comes back. You should content with your life either way, let go of the guilt, and move on knowing you gave her the chance to evaluate her decision properly without letting her defense mechanisms (avoidance of pain) string you along!
    1 point
  44. I'm not the best at giving advice, but it does seem to me that you kind of snubbed him. If I was in the same situation and I tried to contact the other person trying to apologize and make amends, and I got snubbed, it would be very devastating emotionally. I know that you needed time to heal as well, but it seems to me that he was trying to plant the seeds of friendship in the ashes of your relationship, and that you weren't watering them. And now, you can't understand why he's moved on so rapidly. One thing I can input is my view of younger people. No matter how mature we are, there will always be one or two areas where our true age shines through. Younger people do often tend to bounce back more easily, from any kind of injury. He may also be trying to fill the gap that was left after your breakup. This is just my 2 cents, but it seems to me that if you want to salvage a friendship out of this, you need to do some apologizing, and you shouldn't delay too long either, as he may be too hurt emotionally. Hope I help, sorry if I didn't. Good luck.
    1 point
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