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Showing content with the highest reputation on 12/15/2006 in all areas

  1. CONTACT HIM hes worried about you girl...thats really sweet of him to contact you... Since your still in love with him, id wait it out with asking him back out as a boyfriend...Just call him and let him know everythings okay and your still breathing!! well, I dont know, because im in a spot similar to your only we we never in love.... Make the call short, sweet and tot he point and then let him go, like give him an excuse to cut the call short!
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  2. I had a deadbeat dad who lived far away from my moderatly stable mother. I did fine. As long as your primary environment is stable growing up your child will turn out fine! Your relationship with R might not be a fairy tale happy little la la land, but you are keeping the necessary distance for AS LONG AS IT TAKES! Until either of you win the lottery, or he grows up, this is how it has to be. If you told him that he would probably take it as a suggestion to buy lottery tickets. You know those old men you see in the bar, who are like 40 or 50, by themselves, ''in between jobs right now'', pissed drunk, rambling on about their kids who are now in their twenties, hitting on twelveteen year old girls... I always wonder how they let themselves get to that point. Wouldn't they just wake up one day and say, "Hey, I am forty, and have no life. What the hell is wrong with me?" Sorry to say it, but R is on his way down that road. I'm not dooming him, but as you were saying, he is pushing 30, has 2 kids now, and is living the surfer life. Aw geez. You know, a man gets past a certain point where the hope that he is going to ever really get it just starts diminishing. I hope that u don't become a hope junkie. My mother stayed with my father longer than she should have because every day when she thought of leaving him she would be worried that one day, 5 years later, she would see him walking down the street all cleaned up with a wife and kids. She loved him alot, but had to leave. She was right, it never did happen. He tried it a few times, but just can't grow up.
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  3. I actually used to get more upset at my Ex's negative attitude about her body than I could ever imagine getting at her actual body. I never noticed the things she hated about herself until she pointed them out so many times I couldn't take it any longer. She was super self conscious and THAT was a turn-off for me, not the fact that she wasn't traditionally "skinny" or supermodel waifish. Its a trap. The media ... magazines, movies, TV, all showing supposedly "perfect" airbrushed models and actresses that would only date "perfect" airbrushed male models and actors. We're all being brainwashed into thinking that unless you're the Hollywood definition of perfect we're unattractive. Personally, and for many men I'm sure (and I told my ex this OFTEN) a woman's attitude is far more appealing to me and "turns me on" more than how perfect her body is. Think sexy, and you are sexy. If your partner is with you and you know he is attracted to you ... enjoy it. I'd much rather have a partner who was uninhibited in the bedroom and let herself get wrapped up in the moment then was busy worrying and being frightened.
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  4. Hi There, Something in your words struck me, and I thought it important to tell you this: a man who loves and respects you would never make you feel like you had to compete with another woman. With that man, you would feel like the only woman in the world, so special, and so important. So try to keep that in mind while you are doing your makeover....it's great to want to get your hair done and lose a few pounds to improve your self esteem- but remember that it's for YOU, not for some cheating jerk. A woman who cheats on her husband is not beautiful. A woman who preserves her integrity and who treats herself and others with respect and kindness is.
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  5. I think what is meant by that comment, is that, when you start NC, his options become less. Forcing him to think about the decision he made - without the comforting fact of knowing he could go back to you at any time - knowing you’ll be there - waiting. It allows you to start the process of healing - regardless of what happens. It gives you, not so much the "upper hand" but a sense, that YOU, have a bit of control. The process is painful dear, however, in my experience, the "limbo" stage your in now can be so much worse. Keep posting, and asking. We are here. John
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  6. And at last we get to it, Under stand as XXX says just what your saying, you like a guy who treats you badly, whos a lier, manipulater and cheat. Here is the hard eage of Wisdom over Intaligences, your 16 and life has yet to kick you hard and beat you down, and in doing so to make a soul, your all shiny and new in the world and looking to find out whats out there, you need to test the bars to see what this "life" thing is all about. Love, relationships, happyness, fear, hope, pain, joy and loss. There all there waiting for you, all just a destion away. I call it the path, the way this life, as a Taoist to be on it is the very core of being that which string to gever to make us who and what we are moment by moment. We with years of wisdom say walk away from the pain we can see you will get from this guy, but you need him, wont him, his very wrongness and badness drives your need. That need is the need to larn the hard way, to do the wrong things so you can get that same wisdom we are so desparetly trying to pass on to you. Like I said befor, its grown up time now, no more play the kid, there will be no one to plame buy youself after this one, face it with out fear, you know what he has done, we have told you what we feel, and you still wont to go back to him good or bad, right or wrong. This will not be the last time in your life you will have to make a call like this, we all make them all the time, the best we can hope for is that expirance and wisdom show us the best path to tred, but until you take that 1st step you will not know which is which. This is life, this is part of the wonder and joy that is life, the wonderfull fear of not knowing and the joy when we get it right and even wrong. But walk with you eyes open always with your eyes open, know that "you" made this call and that you alone will have to stand by it. Its time to do what you think is best and larn from the steps you take. I ask only this take with you 3 words Truth, Strenght and Honnor Always be true to your self and then others Always be strong for yourself and then others and Honnor yourself for trying to do that which is right and others who try to do the same. Keep thows words close to your hart at all times and you will stand when others fall. *opens a door* "Life is waiting, good luck"
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  7. Do you know, it's probably not as noticeable as you think. I know to you, it's like you're glowing crimson, but it's not that bad. It could be down to central heating, walking, high colour - honestly, people just don't notice that much! Especially if you're pink quite a lot of the time - if you don't act nervous, I would assume that it was just your colouring and not think about it if I were on a date with you! If I did notice, I would just think it was cute - wow, someone that worked up about being with me? Nice...!! have a fab date, enjoy!
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  8. I would find it cute and charming. I know it feels embarrassing (I'm a blusher too), but it makes me feel a bit more relaxed if I see that you are nervous too.
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  9. Indie, First, I want you to really make sure you are willing to lose a best friend subsequent to breaking up with her. Examine the reasons for you breaking up well, as there is no going back in the vast majority of cases. If it is just arguments, are they genuinely detrimental to the relationship or are they the everyday disagreements two people that are committed naturally go through? In general, make sure you would naturally benefit from being out of the relationship and have a good support structure set up so that you can have someone to express though thoughts/concerns, etc. Second, if you feel that the relationship is truly over, take a step back and reflect on all of the good memories about the relationship and the great qualities about her. While she may think you are just being "nice," which in actuality you probably are, just focus your energies into being as positive and in sync with what she will likely go through. While in essense you are being selfish for breaking up, breaking up with someone well is something that should be an unselfish act. Part of your responsibilities as a good, respectful person is acknowledge that you will likely genuinely hurt another human being whom you care a great deal for. So, embrace your relationship, because as a dumper, you STILL ARE A PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP! All too often people who break up with someone have the conception that they are already out of the relationship, thereforeee they are justified in ending it in any way they feel is most beneficial to them. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP!! Now, once you have all this figured out, then comes the most difficult part. You are going to hurt someone you greatly care about. However, you owe it to that person to make it as painless a transition as possible. First, make sure that you do it in person. This shows your concern, honesty, and confidence in the relationship. Do not cheapen it by phone calls, emails, letters, etc. Second, allow HER to digest the information at HER speed. This may take time during the course of your conversation, but you owe HER that as she has invested herself into you for 7 months of her life. Allow her questions and give her thoughtful, yet precise answers as to what is going through your mind. While she may not understand, it is your job to make it clear to her that this is your mindset and it cannot be changed, but at least you can make an effort for her to get where you are coming from. Do not just make a five minute admission of your intentions, get up and then leave. That is harsh and cruel, as that just shows a cowardly motivation. She may cry and express certain mean or sad things as an attempt to change your mind. This is the trick... do not make her feel guilty or attempt to change how she feels. Respect her feelings and make it clear that you can do whatever she wants from the moment you tell her. If she wants to be alone, LEAVE! If she wants to inquire, be there for her because once that day passes, it will be your job to let her go and move on for both her sake and yours. You dropped a ton of rocks on her head and she will be bruised for quite sometime. Don't think you can change that by keep being in her life after you break up, as that only lessens any kind of legitimacy. Now, one last point, you say that you love her "so very very much." While what I am going to say is seemingly belittling, it probably is. To be honest, I think it is for the most part that you are lying to yourself in saying that you genuinely love this girl. All too often people who dump someone else say that because of the emotions involved, but two people who are genuinely in love and dedicated to one another do not break up. Plain and simple. Let me explain. When you break up with someone, you deemed that her being in your life is no longer wanted. You have entered into a very selfish stage where the only measure of happiness is dictated by how happy you are within the relationship versus outside of one. Essentially, the only focus you have is on yourself. Love, as a deep, rich experience is one that is not at all based on selfishness. It is based on a strong appreciation of who the other person is in her entirety. Besides, quite simply, you are breaking up specifically because you no longer "love" her?! In my mind, while it may seem like love, it most likely is that the infatuation stage of your relationship has disappeared and you felt that your feelings for her have changed, as a result. That is a normal part of life and I don't want to belittle that. However, don't dilute your lack of emotions as still encompassing some level of true love, because its not. By saying you love her, it only says to me that you are only confusing not wanting to hurt her and caring for her as "love." That is a mirage. It just means you are a good person, which I'm sure you are or else you wouldn't ask such a poignant question to begin with. You are both young with so many more experiences coming in your life and genuine love is one of them. People like to use love as a scapegoat sometimes to make it seem like you still have feelings with her, but in reality if you still had feelings for her, again you wouldn't break up with her. While it may not seem that way from your perspective, as emotions are still running high, it is what the basis of breaking up is founded on, period. So, now that I have sufficiently probably belittled and degraded your feelings, know that breaking up with someone in itself does not make you a bad person. It is part of life and you must grow into yourself to know what things you want in your life and what you don't. That is your duty as an individual to figure out who you are. The method, however, that you use to break up does determine the type of person you are. Do not believe you are good or bad to break up with her, because breaking up is a process that is not value laiden. It is a straight forward expression of what you want versus what you don't want. It is not a value judgement as much as an individual need judgement. I hope this has highlighted some of the things you should know before you break up with someone. Take care!
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  10. Wayner, I think the fact that you were honest/open with your ex about your experiences with weed says so much more about you as a person than the fact that you experimented with something. The important things is that you were honest with you. You didn't hide something from your past, you didn't lie to her, you were truthful and real. Please remember that! With my ex...I didn't mind if he did things in his past, but what I truly wanted was for him to be honest/open with me about it (which he wasn't...he ended up being dishonest with me about a lot of things...that is what led us to break up, the dishonesty not the fact that he may have tried a few things or done things in his past). Your honesty/truthfulness says a lot about your character, and if she doesn't value that, then I'm sorry but that truly is her loss. Please try and enjoy yourself on your snowboarding trip. Focus on you and take care of yourself.
    1 point
  11. Dear enotalone community, I've been browsing the messages in the forum for the last three months and have found great consolidation in hearing other people's stories and experiences. I thought that I would introduce myself and tell my story as I feel that I have really come a long way emotionally in the last few months. If I had known that I would feel even this good three months ago, it would have helped me then. Also, I apologize as to the length; I didn’t mean to write a book. The background: So I met my ex a little over two years ago, and I pretty much fell head over heals for her. I think of myself as a very rational and maybe perhaps even a skeptical person, but when I met her, I absolutely fell in love. I was in my very very early twenties at the time and had been in prior relationships but had never experienced anything like what I felt for her. I even went into the relationship with the knowledge that she had cheated on many of her boyfriends in the past, yet I thought that I was going to be the exception. Our connection felt that good to me, and in hindsight, I think I pretty much exemplified any notion of a "young fool in love." Unfortunately, we met under circumstances that quickly found us in a long distance relationship as we had to leave each other and go to our respective universities. We were several hours away by car, but I was so enchanted with her that I made every effort to unite us. And, once again, looking back, these first few months of long distance were a little shaky. I think she was less committed to me than I was to her. Evidence of this is fairly clearly shown in the fact that after about 8 months of dating she broke it off to be with another person. Having been unaware of this site then, I was completely at a loss. Actually I think "devastated" would sum it up. Yet, I got some great advice from my father and decided to initiate what everyone here refers to as no contact or "NC." Well, I guess it "worked" because a month later she actually came back to me. I genuinely believe that if I had followed my immediate instincts and called her 20 times a day, this would not have happened. Right at that time there was a brief stint where we were in the same town and we took that opportunity to try and rebuild the relationship. And it became good again. Really good. While it was extremely difficult for me to cope with her actions (to say the least actually), there was a balance established that was absent before. It seemed like my feelings were being reciprocated. While at first this could have been attributed to her sense of guilt, our relationship felt continually strong for the next year. However, this last summer we both graduated from our respective universities and things started to get dodgy. I had a lot on my plate with respect to graduate school apps., senior thesis and tests. And she was very busy as well, and anxious to move to a big city. Yet, moreover it was becoming somewhat clear that she was distancing herself from me. While I was busy, I was making the effort to see her, but it was not kindly greeted. Also, she would keep little things from me, and I'd find out about walks on the beach with old boy friends, etc. Stuff that threw up some flags. I don't believe she cheated on me, in the classically defined way, but emotionally I think she was being dishonest. Regardless, we always had some ideological differences that presented themselves as the primary source of any arguments we had. And for the most part it was not a huge concern. But I think at the end it bothered her more and more and so that, along with other personal desires, prompted her to end it. That was in September and that's when I found this website. The Aftermath: So post-relationship me really consisted of a lot of cigarettes, coffee, alcohol, crying and laying on my floor looking at the ceiling. Time travels very slowly when simply staring at a wall, a fact of which I discovered in recent months. Essentially I was destroyed. Everything I knew and thought about life was turned upside down. I lost about 10 pounds, and managed to accumulated clutter and messes that I never dreamed capable of. Also, in my particular situation, she made it fairly clear that she was going to find her own emotional reconciliation in the form of dating these guys that she had regained contact with in the prior months. That fact, combined with her promiscuous history infiltrated my mind quite often in the weeks following the break. Not a fun time. I initiated NC immediately after I realized that I didn't want to reduce our relationship to casual dating as she had proposed. At first, in my own desperation, I grabbed at such an opportunity, but after she proclaimed she specifically wanted to "have sex with other guys," I was a little turned off to the idea. This was a person I had loved more than anyone, and she wanted me to just be one of her sex buddies...after two years. So that was it, no more talking. And it’s been 3 months since I spoke to her, and 10 weeks since I peaked at her myspace. (Which was worse than talking to her because I could observe all of her e-flirting...ouch) As a side note, I want to give recognition to all of you maintaining NC. For me it was very difficult not calling her. There were so many times when I would actually plug her number in, but luckily I never hit send. One trick I did learn was that whenever I found myself at home wanting to call her, I would bust out some push ups. It actually worked very well. In fact the initial frequency in which I wanted to call resulted in so many reps that I now regularly do 450 push ups every other day; not because I want to call, but because I like doing them for their own sake now. So I guess I basically created a new workout for myself My conclusions as of now: So three months in, it becomes clearer everyday that she was not the one for me. And mind you, we had a unique connection that absolutely blew me away. A connection that I'm sure most of you here felt in similar ways with your ex. And I think what was the hardest thing, at least for me, was the realization that these special connections are each their own individual entities, never to be reproduced in any identical fashion. Every personal connection is unique, and some are better than others. And I realize that I will never quite have the same exact relationship again. But, my relationship, like all relationships had its pros and cons, and establishing a new relationship with a different set of pros and cons is not a bad thing. And while some pros may be missing, some other pros may be added; and I'm sure in many of our cases some cons will be happily excluded. So that's the point, I'm at a place now where I appreciate having had that experience, but am moving on from it. And frankly, at some point down the road, I hope to be better for it. So I apologize that this was so long. I hope that no one became too bored as a result of my tale of woe. But essentially I am in a better place than even just a month ago. And while some days are hard (ranging to very hard), if the question is whether there is light at the end for those that browse the enotalone forums, I must answer that I believe there is.
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  12. Welcome! Can tell you have been a reader from your last comment!! I don't have any comments or critisms. Just look after your heart. remember - send the card as a sentimental reminder. Don't hang on forever hoping she will return to you..... That is all! Signing off... Sparkle xx
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  13. Hey Imtl, Welcome to Enotalone! First off, a great big hug to you. I am very sorry that you're hurting right now I think you made the right decision to initiate NC with your ex; he's expressed his position very clearly and I do believe it will only hurt you more to maintain contact w/ him if you are hoping to work things out w/ him when he doesn't. For you, phone calls and lunches will be another opportunity to try and work things out but for him, it is to meet up w/ a friend; this imbalance of expectations, IMO, will exacerbate the roller-coaster feeling that we all get post breakup: as you point out in your post, you feel elated and hopeful when he seems more open and feel devastated when he seems cold. Please please please stop doing this to yourself; you cannot give someone else control over your emotions like this. You have to take control back over your emotions. That said, NC is not easy! Still, I do believe that NC safeguards us from (and minimizes) the pain that can come from maintaining contact w/ our ex. Sometimes knowing all the ins and outs of our ex's life post breakup is too hard to swallow and it is good to distance ourselves from this information. This is not to say that NC will immediately take away that "roller-coaster" feeling; but (if I may make a silly analogy) if contact w/ the ex makes the roller-coaster more dangerous by making the ups more high and the downs more low, with time, NC will make the roller-coaster more kid friendly, so to speak ... And Imtl, sometimes nothing IS better than something that is, without doubt, going to hurt us. Anyway, please know we're here for you; let us know how we can help. And please be extra kind to yourself during the healing process, okay? Hang in there! Oh, I hope you'll consider this our board from now on; see you around ENA! Sending best wishes your way, Ellie 1:
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  14. Hmmmm... Well... Thats entirely up to you. Does it satisfy you to only be his friend?? Can you stand just seeing him for lunches and nothing more, acting different every week??? Have you moved on at all hun?? It looks to me like he has somewhat, and is pretty much stringing you along.... Do what makes YOU happy, but do it for the right reasons.
    1 point
  15. Because when he's facing a tough time and is scared or hurt, he can just go smoke pot, and that eases his mind. You, on the other hand, are left to deal with the fallout in a mature fashion. I think you should probably head to some Al-Anon meetings to help you through this. This will be a tough road, and he'll more than likely blame you throughout it. Support from others in your position will also help you to keep strong in whatever you do decide to do. Do you have any nearby places of worship that you're comfortable attending? Many large churches, I know, have support for families of addicts as well, and those are usually more generalized. They also rarely, if ever, require you to be a member. Does his family still support him financially at all, and if so, is there any chance they'd completely cut him off? Are they on your side in this? This guy really needs a rock bottom. Or a kick in the bottom. Whatever comes first. I think it's sad that the AA members weren't welcoming to him, that's very unusual. Is that just what he told you, or did you witness it yourself firsthand? I really hope you have some financial help, or are able to get a second job or a better job. I'm feeling so awful for you through this. Whatever he told you, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You may well be an enabler, but that doesn't mean you're rolling the joint, lighting it, putting it in his mouth, and forcing him to inhale. You're not downloading porn and taping his eyes open and tying him to the office chair. Most importantly, you're not keeping him from getting the help he needs. Were you ever told the 3 Cs? You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. You have no control over his addiction - you only control what YOU do. I think you're very strong, but clearly very sad. I think it's fantastic that you realize that your marriage will be fraught with uncertainty and distrust should you allow this to continue, instead of thinking that love will conquer all or something. That's why I think it'd be best for you to seek some counseling, at least in the form of Al-Anon meetings, until whatever happens is done happening. And should the two of you work things out and he goes to rehab, don't ever give up on Al-Anon meetings. They provide YOU with the support YOU need, just like he needs support from weekly meetings. *hugs*
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