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Showing content with the highest reputation on 06/23/2006 in all areas

  1. Its really tough when someone you love isnt there anymore. We've all been through it or else we wouldnt be here. This forum here is for getting back together, we all want that magical answer, that one action that will have them back and loving us like they were at the peaks of our relationships. Love is something that we see all the time in movies, tv, romance novels. The fact of the matter is all three of those are ficticious mediums, the stories of running over to their house and jumping into their arms in the midst or a rainstorm and rekindling your love is not going to happen, its a nice story but its not reality. Most of us here want nothing more than to have a second chance with that ex we love so much. I have been here a short time, but through my own mind wranglings and reading of advice and situations here I have decided to post a thread that hopefully will help all of you out there. Lets start with the breakup, the majority of those here are the dumpees, we feel lost, confused, utterly heartbroken. While your in this stage I think its best to let all your emotion out, I dont think there is any problem with expressing SOME of this with your ex, it allows you to get it off your chest and not have it kept bottled inside of you. Take this time directly after the breakup to heal, grieve, cry your eyes out, lean on your friends, post here. This is the best way for you to get back on track. No Contact is something that is preached here on this forum and I must tell you that its an absolute must. For YOU. No contact allows you to remove the painful influence that your ex is having on your life directly after a breakup. What good will remaining in contact do for you? They arent going to come back, they made a decision to end things, they wont reverse that decision right away, they have their reasons and nothing you say or do will change them. So in short contacting them will give us nothing but pain, they see it as you trying to hang on to something that isnt there, that your needy and clinging to false hope. Right now they think their life will be better without you in it. No Contact MEANS no contact, no looking at facebook, myspace, online dating sites. No contact through IM, text, phone or person. They made a decision to have you out of their life, respect that as hard as it may be. So now your in NC, its hard, you miss the person so much, you just want to call, they are forgetting about you, its too hard, you have to rush to their house. DO NOT do any of the above, you want to do the OPPOSITE. I think the most important thing one could do is put yourself in the dumpers shoes. It helps if you've been a dumper in the past, but if not still try it. You were with someone and it was wonderful, there were problems that bothered you, nothing seemed to be working, the feelings werent as strong, someone else has garnered your attention, what would you do? You may love the person, but dealing with all those problems just is too much, you want a breather, if theres someone new and intresting you dont want to be unfair to yourself and your partner, you want to see what this may mean, especially since your having doubts with your current relationship, so you leave. The person you dumped is constantly calling you, wont leave you alone, keeps bringing up the relationship, wants to see you, makes every effort in the book. How would you feel? You just want to be left alone for now, your obviously at a point where you are unsure of things, you want to be away from the problems, you want to see what you want and feel. You are going to grow to LOATHE your ex because they just keep adding stress to a stressful situation, you wont want anything to do with them. Now think about that same ex you dumped and what would happen if they stopped contacting you altogether. Yes your out doing your own thing, for awhile your not gonna care really, you are free of what you wanted to be free of. But the nights are tough, the mornings are tough, what are they up to you wonder? You want to know how their doing but cant contact them, a few weeks go by and you call them because you just wanna see if their ok, afterall you did spend alot of time with them and cared about them alot. But the wont return your calls. Your mind keeps wondering where are they. You still go out and do your thing but you just cant shake the thought of whats going on with your ex from your mind. Do they hate you? You see where i'm going, their on your mind, and thats what you want to have happen. So what if your ex initiates contact. Theres two different thoughts on this and it all depends on YOU. Are you strong enough to talk with them? If not then continue with NC. If you are then you can talk with them, but remember to be in their shoes. Dont be needy or clingy, have a nice short conversation and tell them your busy, you have stuff going on, they'll wonder what, if your with someone new. DO NOT bring up the relationship unless they do it first, this will just lead to trouble and you dont want to PUSH the person further from you. I will continue this in another post since this one is very lengthy
    2 points
  2. It's easy to feel really humiliated in situations like this, because you look back and with the benefit of hindsight, you think "I can't believe I didn't see the signs!" Well, you weren't looking for them....because you are a trustworthy person, and in my experience people who are trustworthy expect that others are too. You expected the best from him, and he behaved HORRIBLY. But I do agree with frisco, karma comes back around. Maybe not right away, but it does. In the meantime, it will be really important for you to be good to yourself and heal from this so you are able to trust again. It's so easy to become cynical or afraid once you've been hurt and betrayed. It's one thing to be cautious about who you give your heart to, and watch for red flags in the future, but it's another to be so wary and skittish that you can't truly enjoy being in a relationship. Remember--you did NOTHING wrong. You couldn't be expected to have seen this coming, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. But there ARE good guys out there, and one of them will prove to be deserving of you.
    1 point
  3. Don't feel like a fool. Better this happened now than later, right? So you had faith in a person, don't punish yourself for that. At least you didn't waste anymore time with him (like 4 years!). People make horrible decisions that hurt others, that's just how the world works. He's immature and undeserving of you. I know how you feel though, I had an ex who kept messing with my head. We were together 2 years. The whole 2nd year he was lying to me about another girl, and I finally broke it off with him because of it. He still claimed he never did anything wrong, but about a month after I broke up with him, he started dating that other girl. They're still together today. It killed me and I felt stupid and humiliated, like I should have known. But I learned lessons from that. I know that I need to trust myself more than I did then, and I'm just happy I let him go at that point. You'll get through this. Good luck.
    1 point
  4. I'm slightly confused. You're post indicates that you want to just be friends with guys, but I also sense that you want something more than just a sexual relationship with them. I'll let you in on a secret, all us guys are like that. Many guys here will say they are not, but in reality they are. It's no excuse for our behavior, but you should be aware that we are all like that. There are two parts to this: One is whom you choose to sleep with, and the other is the type of men you "attract." Lucky enough for women (and this is sexist I know) you are essentially the "gate keeper." You don't have to sleep with guys just because they want you to. If you want to have a meaningful relationship thats more than sex, don't sleep with someone unless you are in a meaningful relationship. As for the types of guys you attract, where are you going to meet these guys? What ever it is, stop doing it. And if you want guy "friends" who wont be interested in sleeping with you find gay guys. Yes it sounds bigoted, but they aren't interested in sleeping with women.
    1 point
  5. I'm not sure how much help I'll be either... I've definitely done my share of dumping, but it was always early on into a relationship. If I've ever felt strongly enough about someone to have a long relationship, it's been because I believe in that person, and that sticks with me, no matter what they are acting like or becoming. But then, my last has really been my longest yet, and even that has not quite been two years. I'm not sure I buy the whole "fell out of love" thing. Either you love or you don't... If you one day decide to just stop trying to be in love, either your mind is screwing you over, or you were never in love to begin with. I think a lot of people's minds play them for fools, whether they be the breaker or the breakee. Unless the relationship is truly unhealthy and abusive, I think something that was at one point beautiful is worth working to maintain.
    1 point
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