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About Me

  1. This will be a little long so bear with me. My spouse and I have been together for going on 11 years, married for technically nearly 5. A bit of background. Previously we both identified as lesbian women. I am 31, and he is turning 40 in a few days. He has always been loving and caring, attentive and affectionate and VEHEMENTLY against cheating. And he has been this way with all of his previous partners too. His current behaviour is very out of character for him. He has never had much of a libido, in all of our time together, and it was the same with previous partners (i spoke to the exs) and last year he agreed to see a couples therapist with me to see if we could get to the root cause of it. To see if it was a trauma or if he was just asexual. During this time he started exploring his gender identity as well. He became a bit distant, but was still willingly engaging in the exercises at his own volition. He told me in February that he had started remembering, through individual therapy, about childhood sexual abuse and I was very supportive and assured him that it did not change how I feel and that it was not his fault. He had started remembering it the previous September so my therapist and I put the distance down to trying to process the trauma and gender identity. A month later he left in the middle of the night after a hard session with our therapist where I confronted him about not defending me against something a friend of his said to me that was over a line. He told me he just needed time, that he wasn't leaving me, that he loved me and needed to find the person I fell in love with again, he told both of our families and friends the same. He told the friend who took him away that he couldn't handle my anxiety (I have treatment resistant Bipolar 1, but it's mostly managed) he was also diagnosed with anxiety, ADHD and Bipolar 2 a week before he left. He reiterated that he wasn't leaving me and that he loved me to all of the friends, both sides of the family and me for 3 months. And during this time he came out as transgender to me (female to male). Again I was nothing but supportive, I reassured him that I love him, that I'm not going anywhere, that I still want to be with him. That he just needs to let me know what he needs from me. During the 3 months he was open about being confused about being married, he told me on the one hand he wanted to be because then there was someone that loved him unconditionally but on the other he didn't because he didn't want to consider someone else's feelings in all of this. He told me the one thing he was the most sure of is that he loves me more than anything. He implemented a ‘reintegration’ plan into coming home. So that we could redefine the roles in the relationship slowly so that he did not get overwhelmed. He would tell me how he was enjoying spending time with me, how it was feeling like home again, he was loving and affectionate. I found out he stopped taking his medication about 2 weeks after he left and stopped seeing his therapist a month later. During all of this I had been working on my anxiety and he even commented on the improvements I had made. At the beginning of June he came for the weekend, again he was loving and affectionate, he did say that he felt that he was at a crossroads, that on one hand he could see himself with me but that he is scared if he comes back that we will end up where we were march but that he doesn't want to give up what we have built over the last 10 years and that he knew we could work through it, but on The other hand he sees himself without me, but that he knows we can work through it. He was even making plans for our future. Both immediate and distant. Then 10 days later, the next weekend he was supposed to spend with me he walks in and asks for a divorce. I was confused. He told me he loves me, that there's no one else and probably never will be, but that he doesn't think its working and that he thinks it's unfair to keep me in a relationship his heart isn't in. He was still telling me he loves me every day until this point. I reacted badly and impulsively, I overdosed on all of my medication while he was there and landed up in ICU for 2 days. We were both told to not contact each other, to give each other time and space. He didn't pay his share of the bills at the end of June and my mother contacted him about it. He told her he could afford only one of them and has been paying it since. But he also told her unprompted 2 weeks later that he loves me very much but just thinks we bring out each others anxieties. I respected the space. I did not contact him and for a month and a half he did nothing. Then he blocked me on tiktok, that was followed by removing that he was married on facebook and then blocking me there too. Then he started changing his name, back to his unmarried name. I had written him a letter, explaining why I felt the anxieties had been heightened for us both because he also said he had felt this way for years, but he never said anything to me or his friends. In fact he was telling people how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me all the way up until he asked for the divorce. He was telling me every day while he was away that he loves me and he would call to talk to me almost every day. And he had agreed to meet my mom who was going to give it to him. We had been through a lot of health scares, employment upsets, COVID, family worries, loss of pets, his memory of childhood sexual abuse, his gender identity discovery in the past few years. I believe that it contributed a great deal to the heightened anxiety. He then lost his job of 5 years for ‘lack of integrity’ and was kicked out of his friends house, where he had been staying this whole time. I dont know why, but they are no longer speaking and she has been his best friend of 15 years. He turned up on the 1st of September to pick up his office keys to give back to his boss unannounced. He looked terrible. And I asked him about the cutting me out like he had, he told me my family had told him to. I asked about why he never said anything in the few years not even in therapy and he deflected it and said he felt attacked in therapy, even though I gave him 2 chances to stop going and he chose to continue. I asked him about him telling everyone how much he loves me and he got defensive asking me who told me that. I asked about him telling everyone how he wasn't leaving me and he told me he just couldn't explain it Again. I was reassuring, understanding, and calm. I reiterated I wasn't giving up on him. I asked if he wanted me to give him the letter then and he said yes that it may be a good idea. He told me he had felt more like himself in the past 3 months than in the past 5 years. Which i believe is due to him having come out as trans and not me being out of the picture. I asked about the fact that he was still telling me he loved me and making plans for the future etc 10 days before. He said he decided to stop lying to himself and that walking away wouldn't be a failure and that he felt the relationship wasn't good for him, that we were too codependent and not independent. That he decided it was time to put himself first. Now he never looked after me in any way, I was always the caretaker in the relationship. And I asked if the 6 months had not proved that we had managed to establish the independence again and if he doesn't think that things could be better now. He then told me he doesn't love me anymore and when I said I don't believe him and that I think there's something else he snapped at me and told me I could believe whatever I want. I gave him the letter and he promised to read it and I told him I loved him and I'm not giving up and that everything will be okay. I was calm and loving the entire time. Now he had stayed in the apartment and family whatsapp groups until this point and I decided to start being active in the informal apartment one, as a show that I really was doing everything he had asked, that I had been making the changes he said were a problem. And he was still active in the group. The moment I became active in it he left it. So I started drawing again and I was posting progress pictures as statuses on whatsapp. And he was checking them religiously. He had been checking all of the statuses I posted since June, which he had never done before. He met with my mom yesterday. She said she thought the meeting went well. He was open and there was no defensiveness. No anger, no negative anything. He had read the letter he told her he had read it a few times and that he thought I had made valid points and he agreed but that he didn't think it was all that was a problem. He said he could see I was making the changes and working hard. I had also sent a voice recording, rebutting some of the things he had said when he turned up at the house and he asked my mom to send it to him without her asking him if she could. He willingly listened to it in front of her and again in the driveway of his parents house which is now where he is staying. He never once mentioned wanting to continue with the divorce he said he was processing a lot of things he said he was trying to find work. He deflected the fact that he was fired, he blamed his boss, and he told my mom that he agreed that we need to talk to each other and that he has no problem seeing me. Then an hour later he blocked me on whatsapp and left the family whatsapp groups too. He has also removed the rest of the family from Facebook. He is still in the formal apartment group. I found out this morning that he is seeing someone, a girl half his age, a girl I know, who was still in school when we were still dating. The daughter of one of his mothers friends. I had a suspicion about this, I thought it may happen, I had discussed it with my therapist months ago that if as part of his transition. He needed to explore I would give him a temporary hall pass to do so, but he was posting pictures of them online, he had a petneme for her, he NEVER had that for me ever. I want him back, my therapist doesn't know if this is a midlife crisis or the Bipolar since he stopped his meds and therapy in April, but he is destroying his life. I keep being told to give him time and space, that the ‘relationship’ he has going on is temporary and will end but I don't know. I cant help feeling like just sitting and waiting is counter productive. The letter and voice note were my only chance and they seem to have fallen on deaf ears. I dont know why he had read the letter multiple times, I don't know why he wanted the recording. I dont know why things changed so drastically so suddenly. Initially we thought this was just because he needed time and space to redefine himself as who he is now that he is out, outside of the marriage, but now with the side piece I dont know. Nothing makes sense. All I know is that I have been nothing but good to him, I have been nothing but understanding and supportive and caring and this is all spiralling and I dont know why, this recent behaviour is so out of character, he has never been like this, not even with his previous partners, I keep being told he will hit rock bottom at some point and realise he is making a mistake, and that I need to be patient. That he just needs a wake up call, but no one knows what that could be or when. It is killing me, seeing what is happening, it is killing me just sitting doing nothing and being progressively cut out of his life like a cancer, but that I want to get him back. I just don't know how to. I just need advice on what to do, how do I get him to wake up, how do I get him back?
  2. I was reading about it, and... I think I match most of the symptoms!!! I was diagnosed as a "maniac-depressive" or bipolar, but most of the symptoms match me, and also those of a bipolar disorder. Are those related? Wow, I think I'm even more looney than I thought. Psychiatrists are going to make a lot of money from me...
  3. I posted this.. and this.. and finally this.. She's been locked up for a week, now. She'll probably get out tomorrow. Going to visit her has been enlightening. When I visited her on day 2, there was a guy that would give me dirty looks. He was probably 23 or 24. And.. he would stare at her.. I told her that I thought he liked her. The next day when I came to visit her, she was sitting with him coloring when I got there. The next day, his hair was in pig tails, which is her trade mark. While I was visiting her, she told me that she had done that. She said he is bi-polar and scares her. I told her that she should probably not get too close, then. The next day, when i came to visit her, she said that he and her were the last ones up the prior night. An orderly came into the room where they were watching tv, and said, "this ain't no hotel". She told me she was confused and had, "no idea", why they would say that. The next day (last night), when I came to visit her, this guy was gone. I asked her where he was. She said he was moved to a different floor for "hugging" one of the female patients. I said, "was it you?" she said, "no." She told me that she "made out" with one of the female patients. She said they couldn't do much more because the medication made her "spot." I said, she should be doing much less. Messing with these people is a very bad idea. So... tonight, I came to visit her. She was wearing a simple ring, an arm band, and her hair had blue and black streaks (she has blonde hair). I asked her what that was all about. SHe said they were from the lady she was "making out" with. I said, "wow.. she's marking you, huh?" She said, "yeah, I think so." I said, "well, I think you are making a big mistake, and if you have any plans on maintaining contact with her when you get out, you are as crazy as she is." She said, "oh... she's a good person." About this time, the girl was standing in the hall (I had my back to her). My wife was concentrating on the hall. I turned around to see her standing there mouthing something. She came to a dead stop when I turned around. So, I said, "what did she say?" My wife said, "the guy upstairs called for me again." I said, "again?" She said, "yeah, he called 4 or 5 times today." Then, she said, "today in group therapy, she sat next to me, and they brought the guy down from the other floor and he sat accross from me. I leaned over and the woman accused me of trying to look at the guy. She got up and stormed off, leaving her seat empty. When she was half way out of the group, I invited that guy over to take her seat because it was empty. This made her very upset." I was pretty shocked at this. I told her that I couldn't believe she was playing mind games for attention with the people in the psychiatric ward. She was really biting off more than she could chew here. Then her "girlfriend" came and told me visiting time was over with a big smile. I told her that she certainly wasn't the one in charge of telling visitors when it was time to leave. The orderly came in about 5 minutes later reiterating her message. Before, I left, tells me again she loves me and wants to work things out and asks what I think about "us." I told her that I thought the guy got sent upstairs for making out with her, and I dont nor will I ever trust her as far as I can throw her. This has gone from mean to bizarre to crazy to... I guess comical.. I don't even know how else to describe it. Jerry Springer meets the Farrelly Brothers. Any thoughts?
  4. I am curious - is there anyone out there who's been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? If so, what are the medicine(s) being prescribed to you and how does your partner deals with your mania / depression "switch"? Even more importantly, is there a way to recover without taking psychotic pills or tranquiliser?
  5. Does anyone know if lying for apparently no reason is a symptom of bi-polar? My recent ex would lie about the smallest things - and also quite big ones. Like lying to people online about her age, job, boyfriend (she didn't tell ppl bout that one.) Others in real life that she was no longer on dating sites where in fact all I had to do was go online to see. It seems she would fit the lies to the "person" - tell them what they would want to hear. Plain as day lies that are easy to check out are lies. Also tell other ppl (a female friend) that she had gone somewhere else for the weekend when in fact she was with me. Just stupid lies that you can easily find out are lies. Other ppl that I had talked to would tell me things that she had said to them - the EXACT same lies sometimes - word for word - but used at a different date!!! Is this a symptom of bi-polar??? It has recently been suggested that bi-polar is what she has. She does self-harm and claims to "hate" herself. But maybe that is a lie too.....She doesn't even seem too fazed to be caught in a lie......Someone??? Bi-polar??? Or something else???
  6. Was wondering if anyone here is struggling any mental ailments like being bi-polar or otherwise that led to the demise of your relationship?
  7. I'm really worried about my ex. I have been on NC for over 4 mos. She is bi-polar and experimenting with some drugs, and possibly running around on her boyfriend. She has just been doing some bad stuff from what I've heard through the grapevine. I'm just soo scared because she is soo unstable and is getting lots of enemies. I am not over her yet, but I am just thinking about sending her an email so she thinks someone still cares about her. I loved her more than I have loved anyone ever. I am feeling so bad for her because everyone is calling her an unstable nutcase when in fact she is bi-polar and she didn't choose to be that way. Some of the things she does is by choice, but I don't think we really understand bi-polar if we don't have it. I really am not wanting anything in return from her if I send her something, but I have this sense of no closure with her. I just cut her off one day when I found out she wasn't over her last ex. We dated 3 years ago and I just finally cut her off last Oct. cause she didn't know what she wanted and I felt like her doormat. Do you think I should send her something anonymous instead? Like a card or letter, or email? I just want to tell her to not give up on life and that there are those who really still care for you, etc. What do you all think?
  8. There are times I feel that I may be bipolar but when I look up symptoms online, I don't seem to quite fit it. I have times where I get so angry or frustrated that I get out of control- I throw things, I break things, I have even hit my fiance on the arm and chest before. These episodes do not happen without cause (in my opinion, I guess) though. My fiance has a tendency to egg me on even after I have asked (or screamed at) him to leave me alone. If he thinks we need to talk, he will not stop bothering me until we do. Last night, for example, we started arguing over something ridiculous and I just wanted to go to bed. He would not leave me alone, however. He kept asking me things and bringing up past situations where I was at fault just to get a rise out of me. I ended up trying to leave and he stopped me. I usually end up bursting in tears and crying HARD before he settles down and is nicer about things. Then, we usually end up talking. This does not happen very often but I feel it shouldn't happen at all- we are trying to work on this problem together but it's not easy to just change. Anyway, we ended up having a really good talk last night and today I am in one of the best moods I have been in for a while. I feel happy in a very manic way, I guess you could say. I am not sure if it's just because we had such a good talk and I opened up to him more than I ever have or if I am just bipolar! Anyway, my actual question is, are there varying degrees when it comes to being bipolar?
  9. This is my crazy life. I'm posting this for everyone who thinks their mental or emotional problems are holding them back in relationships. I’m currently in a serious, functional relationship with Faith, a very beautiful, eccentric, outgoing, nice, mature nineteen year old who goes to my college. I’m twenty and a huge introvert. More on us later. My name is Phoenix and I have bipolar disorder. For those of you who don’t know what this is, look it up on Wikipedia or something. I can't post a link. A few statistics on bipolar disorder. It affects about 3% of the American population. About 25%-50% of the people who have this condition attempt suicide. 11% of people who have bipolar disorder complete suicide. Yes, I have attempted suicide when I was seventeen. We had a psychology class together where we had to make dating profiles. I saved mine, showing here: “I’m a long-haired rockstar/preschool teacher/writer/psych student. I live each day as my last but I live my life as if I’ll live forever. I currently sing and play guitar for my band that recently broke up. I’m writing my thirteenth novel. I take care of children and I love my job. I’m going for my PhD in clinical psychology to become a child therapist. I’m looking for someone who has a lot of imagination and humor. I’m looking for someone who does or wants to live life to the fullest knowing that each and every day may be all you have. I’m looking for someone who loves adventure, music, books, art, and trying new things. I enjoy life far too much for someone in my position. I work hard, play hard, and sleep well at night.” One person in the class asked if I was single. I hesitated, but had to say yes. She said I had a lot to bring to a relationship. Then Faith volunteered her profile, which I liked, so on a whim I asked if she was single. She didn’t reply and we didn’t talk for until the next class meeting, where she told me she was single and she wanted a date with me. I was really not looking for a relationship at that time but I had nothing to lose so I said yes. At that time I was really high on a manic episode, so I just wanted to be crazy. I planned a first date where we went on a walk around the lake to talk about life. I told her everything about my condition and she told me she had depression. Then I brought out my guitar and sang a love song I was working on. I showed her a video of Machine Head (I hope someone on this forum knows who they are) and she said she was hungry so I took her out to a late lunch or an early dinner. I figured out she liked books so I took her to a used bookstore afterwards where she found some things she liked. I just had fun. I had no motivation to make things work. I wanted to leave her breathless. I did a good job and she said she had fun. She asked me on a second date, so I said yes. We started having sex on our sixth date and things have been great ever since. Well, as great as things can be when one person who has bipolar disorder and the other has depression. We are similar in that we take care of people in our lives. We largely offer the emotional support and buffering in our families. Most of our friends look to us for support and care. As for me, I take care of about fifty different children over the course of the week, ages three to five. I work twenty hours a week and I’m taking five classes in college. She’s working fifteen hours a week and taking six classes in college. We’re both planning on getting PhD’s. I have a 4.0 college GPA and she has a 3.9, only getting one B. We are different in that our personalities are almost polar opposites. She is outgoing, intuitive, emotional, and perceptive while I’m an introvert, a thinker, judger, and I sense what’s going on rather than try to perceive it. She has so many friends I still haven’t met them all. She was able to meet all of my friends in a week. She loves spending time with people our age and I just don’t like people our age. She’s had about ten boyfriends before me and I just don’t like people. We’re also a biracial couple. I’m Chinese and she’s Caucasian. She has depressive episodes on a regular basis and I take care of her. I have manic and depressive episodes on a regular basis and she is there for me. Girls try to pick up on me on a regular basis. Guys try to pick up on her on a regular basis. We’re both cool with it. We have friends of the opposite sex but we’re never jealous. We’re both very interesting people, I guess that’s why we work so well together. So I wanted to post this to see how people react. It’s just an attempt for me to open up to the outside world. I’m going to start a website about people who live very productive lives with bipolar disorder. You're free to ask questions if you want.
  10. I've been on and off with someone and think I hit the wall. A few nights ago he told me my phone calls are no more important than anyone else's and then reiterated that the following day and told me I was no prima donna. I was having a panic attack of sorts and called his house thinking he'd be there for me. His roommate answered and all she said (like so many times) is...can he call you back, with no explanation as to why he could not take my call. I got upset and asked him to get on the phone going forward to tell me himself he'd call me back. I've known him for one year and never been to his place (he won't let me) nor met the roommate. I don't believe they have anything going on, but why can't I see where he lives? To complicate matters, I am bipolar and also just quit drinking recently after a short hospitalization for detox. I try to check myself to see if I am overreacting all the time. He tells me my issues make him act as he does and that he doesn't have my issues, which is true. Nonetheless, he has told me I am stupid on more than one occasion and calls me names like doofus and dingbat. He's stood me up (in the past) and never celebrated my birthday (and I was very nice for his) and never takes me anywhere (he's taken me to dinner twice in 10 months and I've cooked a LOT for him). The other day he told me he is high maintenance, which I take to mean a one-way street with me doing all the giving. Any opinions are welcome, but I feel he is mentally abusive so that is why this post is here.
  11. I have posted before.. Very long drawn out relationship.. In love for a decade, recent break up, another cheating episode I have to go through. Everytime a break up happens, I literally break down and lose all interest in everything, complete depression. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, this break up ended up with her moving out of the house, leaving me strapped, and the moment that she left she said "what did I do" in the regard that she was questioning if she made the right decision... So... the confusion comes in is that I am really not doing that bad. I am so upset that she has done this to me again. I am sad over what I thought was, or the future.. She just moved out 3 days ago. Is this normal for someone that is inclined to patheticness to the highest degree to just "snap out of it".. I wasnt happy in the relationship because I could never meet the mark, and tons more but I was faithful and would have stuck through all the thick and thin. I am just hoping I am not fooling myself, and really deep down I am a complete mess waiting to explode. I have never been fine with our break ups... I guess I am just incredibly scared.. I feel like I have just been let loose.. But I am not on the floor at least.
  12. I hope this is the right place to post. Ive been having serious doubts about The man Ive been seeing the past 3 weeks. While he has his good points and moments, several things about him just dont sit right with me He has bipolar and has told me in the past he's gone off his meds and its been a big mess. He also has a child which in and of itself isnt a deal breaker, but it is an extra consideration before considering entering into something. The final, and maybe biggest thing is his careless remarks. Ya'll might remember the comment from a couple weeks ago "love that fat " which he explained didnt mean he thinks im fat. But just like any girl, the f word is hard to hear and I was hurt. The last couple times we have gotten together hes jokingly made other references. He called me Chewbaca, whatever THAT means and then laughed it off and then he called me "Big Mama" on two occasions. I am NOT big..im a size 9/10..average girl. He is 5 foot 7 and about 135 lbs, a little thin. He has made comments about being too skinny..is he making mean comments to me because of how he feels? He also has made remarks that sortof imply im stupid. He asked me for directions and when i asked what landmarks he saw because im nt good with streets and road names he said "Jesus, you only drive this way every day of your life!" and when i called him on it he said "look, stupidity gets to me" Reguardless...even though he also tells me im beautiful, sexy, etc...his mean comments leave me feeling low even though I typically have high self esteem. Should I talk to him or at this early stage in the game is it best to consider that he really doesnt take my feelings into account and probably wont. Also, he mentioned a couple days ago that his ex (the mom of the baby) had commented that he thinks all girls are fat and stupid and now im tending to agree!
  13. Hey everybody. I'm back with a difficult topic. I need to talk with somebody because its really concerning me, but I can't talk about it with my parents or close friends. I'm really sorry if this is long, but I'm kind of freaked out right now. Some background....I have known my girlfriend,who is 23, for about 5 months. She has a mom with severe bi-polar, and obsessive compulsive disorder. my girlfriend has virtually no relationship with her mother, although she tries. It is a very hard thing for her to talk about with me, and she doesn't like to talk about it unless I pry it out of her, which I hate to do.... ...But here's what i know. During the latter part of Highschool, and during the first two years of college, things really got bad. She was teased pretty badly in school, and Nothing she could do was ever good enough for mom, who's verbal abuse was terrible. I'm still not clear if there was physical abuse or not, but it sounds like mom slapped her around a little bit, as well as made physical, and economical threats against her. After community college, her dad...(who split a few years before this) moved her out of mothers house while mother was working. As expected mother didn't like this. During the last two years of college, my girlfriend lived with her dad. When I learned about all of this, my girlfriend told me that at one time during community college she considered scuicide because the depression and degradation by mom was too great to overcome, and that she had no confidence or self-esteem. I don't know how close she came whether she only thought about it or actually tried it, but that really freaked me out. (she also said she's glad she didn't because she wouldn't have found me, and that I'm the only person she's ever felt extremely close to.)...(her dad is a doctor, and was frequently away for school and work for extended periods, so she has not been real close with him either, until the last few years when she was living with him. Today I was at her house, and mom was trying to call. Fearing the call would bring more threats, she did not answer like normal. Because of the obsessive compulsive, mom kept trying to call every 5-10 minutes, which is also relatively normal. After about 3 hours of the calling, mom (who lives 2.5 hours away) was knocking on the door. My girlfriend answered the door and spoke with mom outside because I have not yet met her mother, and her mother does not have desire to meet me....Anyway, the conversation sounded calm. Mom sounded upset about us not answering the phone, but did not seem to get angry. The conversation was short because my girlfriend had to leave for work. I got to speak with my girlfriend for only a few minutes after the conversation, and it sounds like mom came to say that she has heart problems and is not expected to live much longer. Today, my girlfriend acted more upset that mom hijacked our time together, than worring about her mom's health problems...but I'm sure it just hasn't sank in yet, because she has spoken before of how she'd like to establish some kind of relationship with her mom because she is not in good health, and that she'd be upset if mom passed away and they still didn't have a good relationship. Thats the background, now for my concerns: My girlfriend is on medication for depression, resulting from the dark years in college. She has not shown signs of bi-polar in front of me in the five months that I've known her. But when she gets in a bad mood, it takes her all day to cheer back up and get over what she is upset about. I don't know if bi-polar is hereditary, or if the depression medication should be warning me of a rocky future??? I also don't know when bi-polar will show up in a person. Is it linked to depression, and when does it show up in people??? I 'd like your insight on these questions please . During all of this, she earned excellent grades in all four years of college, and she still is a real go-getter. She has never been angry with me, and I've only seen her get upset with her dad once, which was not in an intense enough nature to concern me. The comment she made about the scuicide still concerns me. She seems fairly stable now, and I'm not worried about this, but I can't help but think about the future. Our relationship is going great right now, but I realize that we are relatively green as far as relationships go. I'm an extremely loyal person, and I don't plan on breaking up with her solely because of health concerns, but I'm afraid that if somewhere down the road that we did break up for some reason, if it would throw her back into depression, and look toward scuicide. I will stress again that I have no reason to believe that a break up is imminent. We are extremely close to eachother and say that we love eachother many times a day.... Your comments on the above paragraph please. Also, I'd like to talk about these concerns with her, but at the same time, I don't want to let on that her comments are still concerning me... in fear that in the future, she won't come talk with me about her other problems or concerns...if this makes sense? Any advice here? Again, I'm terribly sorry for the length of this, but I'd really appreciate some thoughts and advice here. Thank you
  14. My girlfriend, who i am uncontrollably in love with, is bipolar. She is actually more stable than most other people i know, but she recently had a brief lapse in her medication (well over the blood-life of her primary mood stabilizer, and probably long enough for the neurological effects to kick out) She seemed fine, and now that she's back on the (primary) mood stabilizer she's seeing problems in the relationship and her libido is gone. Our sex life was fine before she stopped taking her medicine, heck, it was AMAZING. Now... it's all gone, and i feel all nasty and unattractive.... I know it's not her fault, but the situation is really playing at my insecurities, and i'm worried her drive will never come back, i guess that isnt really a big issue but i liked having sex, you know?
  15. i have noticed some really serious mood shifts lately. but before i let you in on that, let me explain a little bit about my past. i have always been quick tempered and often times would throw something or punch a wall a few times if i got really mad (always a lot of swearing and craziness). then i met my girlfriend and she noticed my violent outbursts. so she told me that i couldnt do it anymore and i had to calm down and learn to control my anger. this wasnt as hard as i thought it would be when i actually started doing it. id freak out every now and again but nothing as bad as i used to. we've been together 11 months and i find that i really have terrible mood shifts. it's not the kind like, im happy one minute then pissed the next, it's more like this... when me and my girlfriend argue, i am the most mean person in this world. i mean, really, i a such an ***hole its unbelievable. i say the absolute meanest things to her and often times when she starts crying, i keep going and keep yelling and keep making her feel worse and worse. i have the mindset that, if you're going to hurt me, im going to teach you to never do it again. kind of like a, you dont mess with me, kind of attitude. but then, right in the midst of the argument, it's like i lose all anger and i feel that we should get back to being us again. she still has tears rolling down her cheek and i stop saying mean stuff and put my arm around her like we're fine again. i cant explain this at all. i just think, "well ok, im done now, lets be the perfect couple again!" today hit the absolute worst it's ever been, that's why im posting this right now. today we go into an argument and she was saying some moderatly mean stuff, nothing you wouldnt expect in a typical argument. but then i went off. i was calling her stuff like a "fuc**** bi***" and saying stuff like "no wonder all your boyfriends dump you" and the meanest stuff ive ever said to anyone. she's start talking and i'd just cut her off and say "shut the f*** up!!!" and just being the king of all jerks. but then we didnt talk for about ten minutes, and then i started talking to her like we were fine the whole time. i was all concerned about her, and i was asking aobut her day...hell, i was even throwing in a joke or two and being my normal happy self. i feel so terrible about what i said to her. i cant believe i did that. i love her so much and i care about her like you wouldnt know. i dont want people to post on here how much of a jerk i am because i already know. it's really eating me up inside because of my words. if i could go back and take them away i would. i just dont know why i have these mood shifts like that. i am in college and it is finals week however. i was thinking maybe it had to do with me being stressed out beyond belief, and she just said the wrong thing or something. but that's no excuse, and i really dont know because this has happened before (not to this extent) when it wasnt finals week. she even mentioned in the middle of me being mean, she said, "you've lost your mind...you dont mean any of this. what is wrong with you?" it was like i didnt care how much i was hurting her, but then i randomly stoped and was like nothing had happened. so what is this? do you think this is bi-polar or do you think im just an 18 year old kid who isnt in touch with his emotions? but again, like i said, i dont want people here blasting me and taking her side, because im on her side too. i admit i was wrong, WAY wrong, and i just want some advice on how i can prevent this from never happeneing again. thank you
  16. Hi, I'm 22 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 18 months. But recently (even though I'm about to graduate with my B.S. in Psychology) I came to the realization that my boyfriend was probably bipolar. He has always been an emotional roller-coaster and has incredible mood-swings. But I just chalked it up to the fact that he's had a hard life, and some things just set off an emotional trigger in his mind. Usually he's on more "highs" but the lows are just horrific. I'm surprised I never pieced it together, but those closest to you are hardest to notice. When I lightly asked him about it, he actually confirmed that he WAS diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But what I'm having trouble with is the way he deals with this disorder. First off, he thinks that all psychologists and therapists are quacks and can never help him. SO therapy seems to be out for him. He doesn't take any medication and never has. Then on top of that, he has a slight alcohol vice. It already got him into trouble with another woman though, so after that incident (for me) he doesn't drink nearly as much as he DID. But whenever he DOES drink past the "tipsy" point, he turns into this monster who either gets on his knees and cries over how much he loves me OR yells and screams at me over something like burning grilled cheese and walks out the door after I beg him to stay on the couch if he has to and not go out into the city alone at night. These stupid "fights" really upset me, and quite frankly... I am sick of them. I just want to yell back, "You're drunk you f*cking idiot! You're insane to go out in the city alone in the dark!" But of course, we all know that would only be fuel for the fire in a bipolar person. In general, I tend to be one of those people who LIVES to help others, so I am happy to stay and help him in any way, shape or form. Everyone, including his own parents, have given up on him in his life even though he really IS a wonderful, kind-hearted man. He's a successful nurse who does anything and everything for me. These "episodes" do not really happen often (maybe once every other month), but when they do (especially under the influence of alcohol), they are crippling our relationship and I am at a loss now as to how to deal with them now. I'm sick of that "back off, he's just a ticking time-bomb" mentality, because I'M in this relationship too, and I have some things I'd like to say at times. I DO love him dearly, and I realize that I can't help him if he won't help himself. But my query is... without sending him into a manic-angry tirade, HOW can I approach convincing him to get a possible treatment? Or HOW can I confront the idea of his QUITTING drinking altogether when he's a proficient bar-hopper? Or even HOW can I deal with this situation any better? Any advice is good. And yes, I know eventually if he will not compromise on SOME way to help his bipolar disorder, I will just have to fold and leave him. But I really do not want to give up on him right this second. Thanks for reading my long entry! And any idea... I'm happy to hear.
  17. Hi. First time poster and long time lurker. I'm going to give you a very brief synapsis of my relationship and would like to get other readers responses. During the last 6 months of us being together (1 1/2 yrs), we had to do the LDR thing as it was out of our hands. During that 6 months we only physically saw each other for 3 days total. The Ex ended up moving closer to me, but still in another state. She would typically text message me and tell me how it sucked that we were always apart. However, we were only about a 5-6 hour drive away when she moved closer and she seemed to be pushing me away. I found out she started drinking heavily and stopped taking meds for her Bipolar condition. Needless to say, she changed as a person. I found out she had a new boyfriend soon after she moved there. I was really hurt at hearing this, and then I find out she moved in with him after only dating for 3 months. Found out her relative had to leave town and she did not want to go back East to live so she moved in with him. We started talking regularly again about 2 months ago. I was involved in a very bad accident, and was hospitalized and in a coma. My sister text messaged everybody in my phone to inform them of my status and the Ex's number was still in there. When I came to she was one of the first people to call me. Previous to that we had not had any real contact for about 5 months. That night we talked for nearly 4 hours and she told me that she loves me and has been crying all the time knowing that I could have died. She apologized for being cold towards me etc. We have been communicating almost daily since until about 2 weeks ago. She started ignoring me once again and sent me a disturbing text message. Prior to her last text, I sent her a picture of myself and some friends tailgating at a Football game. She called twice that week but I did not answer because I was busy. That was the last time she tried to call me until yesterday. I told her I was going to be in her town to watch a football game with friends and I asked her if we could have lunch or something. She sent me back a text message said: I have a boyfriend, and he knows about or past. I want to keep it that way. I sent her one asking her what that meant and the last text said: Things have changed and we've moved on. Do you think she felt guilty and contacted me to clear her conscience once she found out about my accident? Her boyfriend was not at all happy about her talking to me. Do you think he told her not to speak to me anymore or it was over? Could it be another cycle in the bipolar going from depressed to manic? Now that she is out of the depression mode and in manic mode she does not "need me and miss me" She always used to say that she never had anyone treat her like I did and sometimes I think her feelings for me would scare her. She often told me this when I asked why she was pushing me away. I often heard statements like "what do you see in me" " I don't deserve you" etc. Don't know what to think. Maybe they were going through tough times together and she was using me as a safety net. When things got better between them she didn't need my anymore. She never did talk about their relationship with me.
  18. I know full well by this point that stressful events trigger off my bipolar symptoms, generally a kind of frantic depression, occasionally a full blown manic episode. After having a bad seizure a week ago, and having a re-flareup in autoimmune cystitis, I wouldn't have expected to feel overly happy as my anti-epileptic medication now has to be sorted out, but this....depression almost seems a good, preferable option now. I've had racing bipolar thoughts before, as part of Manic and Mixed episodes. Nothing like this, though...unless I fully, completely distract myself, I feel as though my head is a blender. It's CONSTANT dialogue. I'd like to make it clear that whilst I have nothing against people who hear voices - been there, done that too - this isn't what I'm experiencing. It's just unrelenting internal BLAH BLAH BLAH. And the mood shifts...oh dear me. Sudden wave of joy disintegrating into anger within 4 minutes, and then back again, anyone? I have no control over my moods. I'm terrified of where this'll end up. My predominant mood right now is frantic and fearful, if I were made to describe it. Before the last seizure I was merely in a depressive phase, now I'm having to remind myself that my MRI scan IS normal, I *don't* have a brain tumour etc, I'm just feeling the full impact of bipolar disorder (diagnosed last year), etc etc. Remind me I'm alright?
  19. I am insulting my intelligence with what i've done in the last week or so. My brain had been infested with suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember and this is probably the last thing i should be doing. My female housemate in a house of two males and one female gave me nothing but confusion in the last week or so. On one day (my second or third day in the house) she was very nice to me and asked me to move into another place with her. She also said that she liked me a lot. She also disclosed her worst secrets to me. However, on another day she made stereotypical remarks that can be construed as pigheaded and racist. I do like her until that very moment (but not on a sexual or romantice level). If a random stranger made that kind of remark to me, i wouldnt have let them get away with it. However, i find it very difficult to severe ties with her although it is definently the best option. In a way, i loath her as much as i like her in a way which is very stupid of me. I also took her bipolar disorder into acount which mean that her pigheaded remark is just an symptom of her illness(which i found difficult to believe in anyway). One of the biggest mistakes that i have made is that i have made a emotional connection with her that i can do without when she disclosed her personal issues to me. I really do not know what to do. I want to severe ties with her completely but i just cant
  20. This might seem all over the place, and you're probably going to get really confused, but I really just need to vent. If you have some advice, I'll be happy to read it. Just please don't give me any of that "Youre only young.. theres plenty more fish in the sea.. you deserve better" Because right now, that won't work. [sorry if that sounded mean.] But heres the thing I wrote just now in my blog, I thought I'd put it on here to see other peoples opinions. He's the first guy I actually felt something for. All the other guys were just flings, and I realise that now. Maybe it's just his bipolar kicking in, and maybe it'll all be fine in the morning.. But what if it's not? What if this is real. What if we're over, when we've barely even started? I don't know what I'm going to do without him.. I sound like a whiney kid, but right now, I really don't care. Tonight I've realised that I've got maybe 2 or 3 good friends. Friends that I can get the courage up to talk to them about things. He's either just in a bad mood, is just trying to get rid of me, or he really doesn't know how he feels. I don't know what's going on.. one minute he's happy, the next he's telling me to forget about him.. He's the first guy I've ever really cried over. Other guys, I'd cry for a bit and then just move on. Him.. I can't stop crying. I think back to everything we've been through, and even though we've only been dating for a few weeks, it seems like alot. I know I'm going to get hurt alot in this relationship because of his bipolar and all that, but I'm willing to take that risk. I really want to be with him. More than anyone else. I'd give the world to him, and I finally know what that means. No amount of pity, comfort, drugs, hugs, kisses, or anything could make me feel better unless it was from him. I don't know what is going on with us. I wish it was just me and him, and nobody else. I know that's alot to ask but I really care about him.. He was talking to Tiffany, saying he was worried about "us", and that he was confused. I hope he just means that I seem like I don't like him, because if that's the case, then I can fix that easily. But why won't he tell ME this? I really.. REALLY don't want to lose him. I'd rather nuke a country than lose him right now. I can actually open up to him, I can be myself. Things were just starting to get good, I don't want to lose him after feeling so great about things. I don't even feel like ever leaving my room until me and him are completely straightened out. Whenever he's feeling down, I just want to hold him and tell him everything's alright. I finally get all those love songs, all those romance movies and novels.. As corny and cliche as this sounds.. I finally get it all. I know it's not love, we're not in love, it's too early for that. But I really believe this could grow into something spectacular if he'd just give it a chance.
  21. Hi nice to be a new member here. Well here we go. I met my bf 5 months ago. I was a little apprehensive at that time because I knew he had sole custody of three little kids, but I liked him so much I decided to give things a chance. I absolutely fell in love with the kids..... yeah and him as well. Well after about 2 weeks of hanging out together, we were at my place. His ex (bi-polar)shows up at my door and throws a fit. (The kids showed her where I lived, they are little, didn't know any better) The kids were with his brother... so it was obvious to me she still has something for him. Well she left and we talked and he convinced me she would calm down within a week or two and accept things.... she should have... they have been apart 3 years now????? He was dead.. and I mean dead wrong. She has threatend me (we all live in close proximity) and even worse she has called the Children's Aid with allegations about Jack (my bf) and he has temporary lost custody to his brother and sister-in-law. Well since then things have been pretty insane. He was having horrible mood swings, but seems to be dealing with things much better in the last few weeks eg. affectionate, lots of loving etc. Just this past weekend we had a getogether with friends, and he told them all "I love this girl"...... which he says very rarely to me????? Well Sunday we had a quiet night and he went home. He comes over Monday and seems sorta hyper to go home..... He has called me every night and is talking about laying low because of the Children's Aid, but what does that have to do with me.... I'm confused. He said he's thinking of moving because his Bi-polar ex lives to close by. But so do I. He said last night he with call today to see "what I'm up to". I feel sooo lost, no affection since Monday night. If he wanted to drift me why doesn't he just say so? Talk about Dr Jekyl, Mr. Hyde. I don't know what to think............... and I feel like I've been put on hold... Any comments will be appreciated.
  22. It never leaves, it keeps visiting. I have felt extremely bipolar these last couple of days. Everything said to me is a personal insult or threat (paranoia), I'm doubting the cleanliness of personal objects, They May Give You HIV! my brain says (paranoia - I am, underneath all this, a well-informed and well-educated individual), I sit and glaze, or I sit with a tornado of thoughts between my ears. I'm thrown by frequent deja vu. I'm thrown by very many things, I feel again as though I am unravelling. I feel there is little point in describing my symptoms yet again to friends, or on Enotalone, I'm sure anyone who matters knows I have phases of feeling desperate, CONSTANTLY afraid, constantly as though I desire nothing more than to kill myself. I have emerged from other such phases, why should this be different? I usually recover from feeling a stomach-sickness at the world? From waves and waves of anger, resentment, restlessness. I can look in a mirror and cry, and this will help no one. I'm incoherant, arrogant, jealous, insecure, intelligent, mentally ill, paranoid, ugly and misplaced. As inappropriate as this sounds, I hope some day I AM forced into a hospital, from there I can only head upwards. I deserve it, I am vermin. Human vermin. So Ends The Lesson.
  23. Well, to start with, a lot of people from my mother's family, suffers from mental illness - nervous breakdowns, depression, etc - with a lot of suicidal attempts and things like that. Anyways, since I was a kid I felt that there must be something wrong with me. I wanted to know what the hell was my problem. First, I thought I was a depressive person, but that couldn't be, because as I could be depressed one day, and staying in bed, the other day I could wake up very happy. Well, I think I have bipolar disorder. I know, I know... We shouldn't label ourselves, but I did a lot of research on this, and everything checks. The mood swings... Depressed one day, euforic the other. It sucks sometimes. I remember when a friend of mine got dumped by his girlfriend, and all I did was laughing at him because he was such a wimp. =/ And a lot of weird episodes too. I'm *pretty sure* I have bipolar disorder. Example: Yesterday I wake in bad mood, in the afternoon I felt great, and by the evening I felt like punching my dad for telling me jokes. I tried to laugh at them, though. Well, I don't want to be like my mom, always controlled by her meds. I think it's awful to live like that. I think it would be nice to go to a psychologist and, well, talk, but I ever said to my parents I wanted to visit a psychologist they would just go 'What the hell are you saying?'. It's tough. One day I wake up, and it's like Life's great. The other day, Life sucks, with no apparent reason. I feel great for losing one of the more important person in my life in one day, and the other I feel capable of crying all day and blame myself. Well, I tried everything with Self-Help in it, and I'm quite proud to admit that I've had some results in improving my life and my overall happiness. But no matter what I do, I can't avoid this 'mood swinging' or whatever. I guess I don't have a specific question, but I guess I would like to hear from people who have some experience with this kind of things.
  24. well first off, hi, I'm new lol...I went through all the posts trying to see if anyone had a problem similar to mine. Apparently, I've fallen in love with a weirdo because no one has had this issue. Anyway, lol, on to the story: I had a relationship for 7 months with a guy that lives in Venezuela (I live in Texas). He would always tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. We started getting a little more serious about things, so we decided to talk on the phone. After that, we said we would mail something to each other. He said he had bought me a teddy bear and that he'd try to send it soon. In the meantime, I mailed him a letter. Unfortunately, a few weeks after sending the letter, we broke up. We decided to be friends though. 3 months go by and a friend of ours was trying to get us back together by trying to get us to confess our feelings. I honestly couldn't take it anymore and I burst out that I still loved him. He just left the conversation. Later that night, I received an e-mail from him saying that he only liked me as a friend. As devastated as I was, I just tried to forget about him. Then in December, we were having our usual chat and he suddenly tells asks me to marry him. Obviously confused, I asked him if he was kidding and he said no. He told me that what he had written on the e-mail wasn't true, so we got back together. Then on December 29, he told me he was scared things wouldn't work out between us because of the distance and that we should just be friends. Eventhough I still wanted to be with him, I just couldn't force him to be with me so I agreed to remain friends. Here's where my problem comes in. We chat pretty much everyday. One day we're talking and joking around as usual and the next day, it's like I don't even exist. He completely ignores me. I usually give him a week to say hi and when he doesnt, I ask him what's up. He always says he's sorry and bla bla bla, but when I ask him why does it, he finds an excuse to not answer me. One night when we weren't chatting, on his sn he put something like this: "I'm tired of telling you this, I only want to be friends and nothing more!" (he always thinks my sn's are for him) Oh and he's one of those people that RARELY change their sn. He started putting other things like "well why don't you ask me? we're in the 21st century". Trying to play with me? Eventhough we're not dating anymore, he dedicates songs to me, and he's even started calling my parents his parents-in-law. He gets jealous if I talk to other guys that he doesn't get along with, yet he talks to all the girls and eventhough I get jealous, I don't let him know it. A few weeks ago, were talking just fine, but then all of a sudden he started ignore me for like the 5th time I'm guessing. Weird thing this time is that he started talking to me on the link removed forums (which is where we met). Yet when he signed on to the messenger, he wouldn't say hi. I decided to wait one more to see if he'd say hi. He said he wouldn't talk to me until I said hi. so I was like "ok w/e, hi". And then things went smooth from then on. On Friday, he asked me to virtually marry him lol. So I did. On Sunday, I signed on to the messenger and greeted him. I began to get a gut feeling that he really didn't wanna talk to me so I asked him if he was mad and he said no. I decided to just leave him alone. I see him sign on the next day, and he doesn't say hi so of course, neither do I. Next day, same thing. But he talks to me on the forums. I couldn't take it anymore so I wrote him an e-mail asking him what was wrong. I asked him for a straight answer because he's never told me. I left him a message on the forum saying to check his e-mail, he answered saying he'd check right away. I got no response from him. what on earth is his problem?! I did absolutely nothing to him, I always treat him with respect, never ignore him. Could he possibly be bipolar? Is he scared of getting too close? This is just driving me nuts....HELP!!!
  25. I just thought I'd vent here a little since I know that psychopath doesn't visit this place. I have this ex "friend" who still a year later will not leave me alone. She's bi polar and I don't know if that has anything to do with it but I'm getting sick of it. Our friendship did not end well and she made up some stuff about me on certain blogging sites and posted a few things I didn't want people to know. Now over a year later I put a stat counter on my entries just to see who's reading and her ip address shows up everyday since I started doing it on the 24th, and she visits my page MULTIPLE times a day. Prior to this her and her mini pyscho did not want anything to do with the same blogg I'm in, and now all of a sudden they're back to posting there but I haven't seen nor to I give two rats behinds what they write about. I have totally left them alone and even told the first psycho that she's dead to me. I expected no more or less of her. So anyways thanks for letting me get this out. I wish they would just leave me the F*** alone.....
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