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About Me

  1. Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not. So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit... To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment. To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less. Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me. To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you. To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days.
  2. Well ,it looks like my hand may be pushed faster then I think . I heard a rumour ,yes ,you have to love the rumour mill that our new building is going to be condemned . I had to talk to my boss today and yesterday she told me we plan to re-start in 2 weeks and today she tells me we don’t know what we’re doing yet . So obviously the rumour mill is true . Thank Jesus I applied for unemployment ! A friend added me to all the Facebook child care sites and buy and sells. Unfortunately, my boss is on all the childcare sites . She’s going to know my plan eventually .
  3. Thread continued from here Hello everyone at eNotAlone, I suddenly had a great idea...( scary huh? ) Let's start the SuperDave 71 NO CONTACT CHALLENGE... Here are the rules: 1. When you accept this challenge, post here and your time/date stamp will be recorded for accuracy. 2. No Contact will be initiated for ONE MONTH from the date that you post. This mean NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER...and I mean NONE. (Including going to picture sites and myspace/or like sites) 3. If you work with your ex, you can still accept the challenge. You cannot do ANYTHING to contact your ex UNLESS it is work related ONLY. 4. If you accept this challange, I would like a post everyday on how you are feeling and what you are doing to pass the time. I am hoping by doing this, others will read and try to help themselves is they have a moment of weakness. **Remember** No Contact is for you 5. If you have contact with your ex BY YOUR DOING..YOU MUST POST WHY YOU DID IT AND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT AFTER. No exceptions. 6. If your ex contacts you, UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY, or there are children involved, you cannot respond. PERIOD. If you do, see rule 5. 7. If an ex comes over or tries to see you physically, this DOES NOT COUNT AGAINST YOU, BUT you MUST POST. 8. After the month of No Contact has past, you must reread all of yoru daily threads and write a conclusion based on what you felt when you started and how you feel 30 days later. 9. When you post daily, please put what day number you are on of the 30 day challenge so that other members can see how you are doing. NEW RULE SuperDave71 has permission to duct tape any breaker of NC to a chair and throw broken twinkies at your head. If ANYONE out there can come up with more rules, PLEASE PM me so I can update them. I will be happy to listen. I would like for this to happen because I want other to read the progression involved in the NO CONTACT process. If you do NOT feel you are up to the challange, ...wait until you are. I wish you all the best....and GOOD LUCK. If you accept my challenge, you will be very surprised at the end result. Your friend, SuperDave71
  4. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  5. Through a series of awkward events I have a suspicion my male coworker (let’s call him Ash) thinks that I like him. Which I do not, he has a family and I respect that boundary entirely. I really don’t know how to handle this either. My work place has always been an odd and uncomfortable environment due to a lot of people being two-faced and super gossipy. So I generally opt to keep to myself and just talk about work. In my industry we work in pairs to accomplish assignments and I believe my partner is a narcissist sowed the seed for all this drama. We’ll call her Narc for the story’s sake. I got assigned to work with Ash this was my first time working with him. We worked on a couple projects over the span of two weeks. Every time we were working on Narc felt the need to butt in with personal stories while Ash and I were just trying to finish the assignment. Whenever Ash was gone Narc kept randomly bringing up that her planner design reminded her of Ash’s kickball team and kind of hinted that I should tag along with him to one his games. I kept shutting it down every time she brought it up. I thought to myself this is a man I just met, I have no rapport with, and he has a family (she knows this). It just seemed so out of left field and weird. *Narc also keeps bringing up the idea of dating coworkers which I always tell her I don’t sh*t where I eat. I even told her that most of the guys here are relationships and her rebuttal was that “guys that age are always in relationships so it isn’t a big deal”. She’s single and 17 years my senior I feel that she just wants to see a train wreck. Then one day while Ash and I are working Narc walk over with her planner in hand and says “Hey Ash this planner reminds of your kickball club you should bring her with you next time”. Then Ash immediately replies with an awkward laugh and says “Oh that’s where I met my current girlfriend of seven years”. I follow up with “yeah I’m not too interested in outdoor sports and I don’t have much free time”. There was an awkward silence then he left. After that he started avoiding me and keeping convos short. Out of respect and optics I did the same, I wouldn’t be rude or anything I’d say hello and smile if I see him in the hall but that was it. I changed my routes around the building to avoid him and put on my headphones when he’s close so people wouldn’t try bring me in conversation they were having with him. It’s been months probably closer too a year now and even though I’ve done all this things still feel off, more so with other coworkers other than Ash. - I Just feel the eyes on me whenever he was near - New people and people who I barely knew kept bringing up his name to me. (Usually after they start hanging out with his group) - I had to help out Ash and his partner, Ash was sick and his partner said to me “As long as you don’t make out with him you should be good” - Another one of his friends would laugh and pat his back and walk away whenever he sees him talking to me - His friend group ignores me when I ignore him and is friendly when I’m friendly towards him. I honestly don’t know how to handle this I really don’t like the optics of looking like I’m a home wrecker. I wonder if I should’ve said something earlier when the kickball thing happened, it could’ve made worse. Even with what his friends are doing it’s all subtle if I call it out I’ll look crazy. I just miss being a wallflower everyone ignored. I’m currently looking for a new job for many variables including this one but it’s been rough my industry is still recovering from pandemic.
  6. My wife and I have been married for a few years now, and she has stated that she doesn't want to go back to work or have a job. I make enough money to support us both by working a full time job and an about 15 hour a week part time job, and I am starting to reset her quite heavily. We do not want kids, so we don't have any right now. It's just us living in our home, and this is a list of the things she takes care of around the house on her own: Groceries Cooks dinner about 3-4 times a week (basically never any breakfast or lunch) Cleans the upstairs area of our house and our living room (this equates to about 60% of the house) probably about once a week Plans our vacations and trips to visit her family (we basically never travel to visit mine unless there is an emergency) Plans most of our dates/events out the house I've tried explaining to her that I need her to have a job, desire, or dream that she wants to achieve in order for my resentment and feelings to go away, and if she's not going to work then her job is to maintain and keep clean 90% of the home. Her response is that she has done what she's wanted to do in life (we're both under 35), and she's not my maid/cook so she doesn't have to do those things. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I do not want to get a divorce, but I need my wife to have a job or something she is pursuing for me to get past my resentment and to restore my emotional attraction to her, and she doesn't seem to want those things.
  7. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  8. The struggle is real for Gen Z – a generation torn between the new, overly-saturated digital age their lives were born into, and their lack of economic freedom. This is the generation whose motto is "do it for the gram" as ironic as it may seem to their parents and other generations, financial instability and inadequacy frequently inhibit any progress made that would align with such a phrase. The biggest issue Gen Z is facing is unhappiness at work and career satisfaction. Despite often being touted as the "generation of opportunity," where there is one opportunity there are millions more just waiting to snatch it away. With advancement in technology comes faster ways that companies can replace an employee who may be lagging behind and quicker searches for higher qualifications. This unfortunately leaves a lot of young adults feeling inadequate – unable to find the job or career that reflects their scope of work or offers financial stability or success. Aside from the obvious benefits of having a job and steady money income, there should also be a sense of fulfillment when it comes to career prospects – which many in their twenties lack. Because of this problem, Gen Z'ers feel like they're due some sort of revenge. They are often overworked and underpaid, yet stuck in positions with no room for growth or progression, so it's no wonder that almost half of young adults aged 18-34 in the US have reported feeling unfulfilled in their jobs. Young adults are increasingly building career's built around side hustles; whether it be freelance writing, coding, web design or anything else people can develop their skills around. Unfortunately one thing these alternate revenue streams lack is stability; there will be bouts of burstiness of revenue followed by long periods of drought, no matter how skilled you may be. The bleak employment prospects in today's economy have left Gen Z feeling powerless; applying for countless jobs yet receiving no response more often than they want them to. Applying for a job is often a laborious task yet many receive rejection after rejection despite trying as hard as they can to express themselves clearly in order to land interviews. A survey from 2018 found that 29% of employers do not respond to potential job applications, adding even more disappointment for the younger generation and furthering the feelings of demoralization about work. Furthermore, when young adults finally do manage to land a job, it carries such poor wages it discourages them from wanting to leave the unemployment line. And if Gen Z does manage to escape poverty and land a well-paying job, there is no satisfaction. It serves as another reminder that prospects are limited, that there are not enough opportunities to reach their aspirations and goals. It's a vicious cycle that leaves many millennials and gen z-ers feeling trapped. For this unhappiest generation, life has never been easy but no matter what they turn too, a proverbial wall blocks them from getting ahead. When it comes to searching for jobs and internships, those without experience are immediately edged out by competition – roles available in certain industries create a sense of small victories after hard work applied in vain. But this simply isn't enough for this lost generation who want nothing more than an escape route from financial restrictions and rigid ideals that dictate every part of their lives. Unfortunately, there has been little genuine progress made in removing any sort of generational stigma attached to Gen Z when it comes to finding jobs either. Employers often favor tenured candidates over those who are younger - someone who looks like a seasoned veteran on paper will always be chosen over a fresh graduate. Even though society typically celebrates those who break molds with creative ideas – ideas such as daring startups or radical thoughts – Gen Z often feels discouraged in believing their voice matters just because of their age. With all these issues compounding onto one another, it's no surprise why Gen Z is known as the least happy generation at work.
  9. Any of us have ever uttered the mantra "there's not enough time in the day!" at least once in our lives. In the modern corporate culture, it can seem as if work and leisure are constantly at odds. With Americans working more hours, taking fewer vacation days, and rarely disconnecting from their devices, it begs the question: What would life be like if we worked less? Many of us believe that success is measured by how hard you labor – and how long. As humans, we are driven by fear to overwork for fear of missing out or being left behind. We have conditioned ourselves to push through the traditional nine-to-five, follow all lines of protocol, and sacrifice family time in search of that ever-elusive promotion. But that doesn't mean there is no hope for better balance. In fact, many businesses are now beginning to push back against this culture of overworking by promoting innovative work schedules. Now more than ever, growing companies are embracing a four-day workweek schedule to increase employee productivity as well as satisfaction and recruitment. This new model lets staff return home earlier every day and provides them with more time to devote to their family, hobbies, or simply self-care. The idea of reducing hours does not come without skeptics. Employers fear that these shorter workweeks will lead to lower productivity and greater costs. The irony is that the opposite may actually be true. Several studies conducted on four-day workweeks found marked increases in employee productivity and job satisfaction when compared to traditional five-day models. Research has shown that working long hours (more than 48 hours a week) impairs cognitive performance. When employees are overworked, it leads to exhaustion both mentally and physically making it difficult to stay alert and responsive during the workday – thus leading to dips in performance. Decreasing those hours can produce an energized and productive workforce ready to hit the ground running without sacrificing their break time. Living and working in an environment where everyone takes it upon themselves to take their paid vacation time opens up avenues for higher productivity, allowing companies to develop more meaningful relationships with their employees. Workspaces also become a more open, compassionate place where travel plans, creative ideas, and time off gets respected rather than frowned upon. The bottom line is that living a balanced life helps foster employee engagement and leads to better work–life harmony. Maybe less truly is more! There may be skeptics who will fight to hold onto tradition, but life would absolutely feel better if we worked less – especially if we use those extra hours to recharge and take care of ourselves in meaningful ways. Dreams could no longer be so easily deferred after all! Its high time to strike the balance between leisure and professional life so one can truly enjoy a fulfilled life.
  10. We all aim to be successful in our careers, but sadly it can be difficult to also find happiness at work. Working can be one of life’s most mundane tasks, providing a paycheck to improve our lives but often not much else. Even though you may spend 8 hours a day in the same office or cubicle, that doesn’t mean happiness should be doomed from the start. There are simple steps you can take and tips you can keep in mind to ensure that your career ultimately provides an environment that is inspiring, meaningful, and happy. 1. Know what makes you happy - Start by being aware of what activities bring you joy. This could include playing games during lunch with colleagues, taking morning walks around the block, or engaging in banter about current events for a few minutes with co-workers. Keeping in mind what delights you on a daily basis will help you notice the small opportunities that arise during a typical work day. 2. Build meaningful relationships - Carefully cultivating relationships with your co-workers can have a powerful impact on your overall job satisfaction. By getting to know those around you and watching out for them, you cultivate a bond and support system that can turn an ordinary job into a truly enjoyable experience. This could manifest itself as helping someone solve a programming bug or inviting someone out to lunch. 3. Find something to appreciate every day - Just like artwork in a museum rotates regularly to keep viewers engaged, frequently switch up the tasks and topics you focus on to find things to be grateful for at work. When you start to feel uninspired about a project, or overwhelmed because of too much to complete in too little time, consider what you have already achieved this week. Pro-actively changing your perspective from negative to positive can help keep depression and discouragement from seeping into job satisfaction. 4. Make room for growth - Many workplaces have development programs in place, but don't forget to add personal goals to create challenge and purpose while on the job. Whether this is learning a valuable new skill, beginning a volunteer program, or practicing public speaking, feeling comfortable to grow at the office ensures that your job won’t become stale after a period of time. 5. Prioritize activities that bring balance - Throughout your day, make sure to prioritize activities that you Also, try to find small moments of reprieve from the fast-paced environment by reading a book or offering yourself five minutes of music or video to unwind. This mental break can get you back in the groove of flow with whatever you were focusing on prior. 6. Leverage passion for job satisfaction - Think about how your passion fits into making you successful at work. Use it in resolving problems that you notice, finding solutions to difficult tasks, and asking creative questions. Often times companies provide new products or projects to challenge a person to push the boundaries of their craft, so it is important to reflect on how to use past experiences to enact change and propel the process of innovation. 7. Constantly communicate with employers - Scheduling time to communicate with employers or managers can help you refine your day to day workflow and show appreciation to those who provide opportunity. Keep the dialogue open through questions, such as “What have I accomplished today?”, “What should I focus on tomorrow?”, and “How could I have improved on that?”, as this will help prevent unnecessary disconnects from supervisors. 8. Plan ahead - Making logical plans for long-term achievement is important for job satisfaction. Being able to think about and prepare for outcomes of short-term goals can instill a sense of accomplishment once progress has been made. However, it is essential, then, to also plan for setbacks such as difficult conversations, milesones that don’t happen, or changes in the company culture. 9. Celebrate accomplishments - Counteracting the competitive atmosphere and occasional pressure that exist in many workplaces, carve out moments to reward yourself and rehearse the successes you have experienced. Don’t forget to celebrate others’ successes as well by publicly lauded positive attributes. 10. Know when to let go - It is known that feelings of burnout can occur due to a lack of tenacity, motivation, or over-stimulation. If managing the workload becomes overwhelmingly difficult, it may be necessary to part ways and seek a job that is a better fit. Alternatively, if reassessing commitments and trying to regain control of a chaotic schedule fail, a more drastic measure may have to be taken and time to move on considered. Finding happiness in the workplace doesn’t happen overnight, and having a job that is completely perfect is practically impossible. But by following these tips, you can improve your overall outlook at work and feel less complacent with the daily grind. Remember, career fulfillment can be found even in the most dire of circumstances if you know how and where to look.
  11. Do you dread going out with your work buddy? Do you find it increasingly difficult to hide your resentment as they pull out their wallets or purse every time the bill comes? It’s understandable that in all likelihood, your feelings towards them and the situation are growing toxic. Having a friend at work is a great advantage in the long haul. Having a friend who insists on paying and demonstrating their generosity can seem like it’s doing more harm than good. If the situation starts to turn sour and the feeling of resentment grows, it's likely that it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. In this article, we’ll discuss how to navigate through this sticky workplace situation an look for ways to move forward. It can help to ask yourself about the reasons behind the behavior: is your work buddy genuinely just being nice or do they have other motivations? Are they trying to put forth a status symbol, getting attention from others, or some kind of debt repayment? Understanding why they might be doing it can help you confront them in a productive manner. Exploring different ways to tackle the situation or come to a better understanding can possibly diffuse the atmosphere. First of all, it’s important to address the problem head-on. You need to speak up and let them know how you feel in regards to the financial situation. It should be done in the most honest and civil way possible. If there are any underlying issues that could be causing conflicts, these should also be addressed openly and in an appropriate manner. Also take the time to talk about what each of you expects from the social situations. Is it a simple repayment in kind such as splitting the bill? What is the purpose of these outings and expectations from both sides? Clarifying expectations and honest communication might be an effective way for both of you to move away from the casual acquaintance level and towards a deeper friendship. In some cases, it could be helpful to draw boundaries entirely. The two of you might get along in a workplace setting but not match up as friends outside of it. By shift the dynamics and expectations, your resentment may start to dissipate. When all else fails, it can be useful to remove yourself entirely from these social circumstances and spend time with other people. If you start to recognize that your feelings of resentment are coming out other places in your life then it’s absolutely important to take a deeper look into it. It’s alright to admit that you are struggling with this dynamic. It could indicate that it’s time to move on from your ‘work buddy’ and embark on more meaningful of friendships. Although it may seem like a difficult issue to face, it’s possible for both of you to come out of it feeling better about the outcome. By openly discussing the issue and coming up with solutions that work for both of you, there’s a chance for a brighter future between the two of you.
  12. You won't be happy sipping frilly coconut drinks on the beach. Maybe for a bit, but not for life. Rest is only meaningful when contrasted with work. The secret is to create work that you find meaningful, not eliminate work from your life. It’s easy to see why working hard is so attractive - we want to be successful in our career, make money and stand out amongst our peers and family. But to be truly fulfilled, it’s important to also recognize that taking a break and refreshing ourselves is equally important. Finding satisfaction comes from striving and succeeding via a combination of leisure time and labor. When done properly, taking time off can be just as fulfilling as working hard. For instance, if you’re someone who loves to travel, why not volunteer abroad or take up a language exchange program? Not only can it provide a constructive way to spend your free time - as an opportunity to learn something new - but could also potentially lead to a new job offer down the line. The key is to find out what works best for you. What activities will help refuel your emotional tanks and re-energize your mind? Taking breaks that are meaningful to you are essential to working your best. At the same time, it is equally important to pay attention to the work itself and make sure it has purpose and meaning. Instead of thinking of it as drudgery and mundane, try to think of it as a learning experience. Keep yourself engaged by looking for new and creative ways to tackle problems or getting to know your co-workers and cultivating strong relationships. In moments of stress or burnout, try to think how working this job can help you build towards a larger goal. If a particular task seems unimportant in the grand scheme of things, look for the greater good it can contribute to. Even if work does not seem directly related to the accomplishment of your dreams, there can often be transferable skills that help pave the road for the future. You won’t be content forever just kicking back and relaxing on some Caribbean beach. As important as taking time to decompress is, it is only through meaningful work that we can move closer to achieving our goals. So, in order to stay fulfilled and reach our highest potential, it’s important to seek balance between the two - aiming to find joy both while working and while playing.
  13. Hi everyone, I just need some advice on the whole situation as I am incredibly new. I (22F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for 5.5 years. We have heavily discussed getting engaged later this year, buying a house together next year and having kids very soon after that, so we are very committed and on the same page. His job has an exchange program with Norway every year for a select amount of people, where they go away for about 3 months and work over there 5 days a week. My boyfriend has ALWAYS wanted to go to Norway (we both have really) and so this opportunity is definitely a once in a lifetime thing for him as he said once we have kids he wouldn’t consider doing it. We haven’t been apart for much longer than 2 or 3 weeks before (time apart was mainly due to covid lockdowns) so 3 months is definitely longer than we are used to. Norway is over 17,500kms (or roughly 11,000 miles) away from where we live, so I’m definitely struggling with the fact that he will be on the other side of the world and I won’t be able to visit (ticket prices are well over $2,500 USD return, so it’s not really an option) I’m afraid that since Norway and their people are so different and exciting, that he will find me and the country we live in too boring when he arrives back. I am afraid this may change his feelings for me. He’s very excited and I am very excited for him, but the time will go quicker for him than it will for me. I know it shouldn’t change things in our relationship as we have been together for quite awhile now and are very much in love and heavily committed. Nothing has ever happened to make me question his loyalty or love for me, I am just an over thinker whose mind goes to worst case scenarios. Has anyone else that’s been in a relationship for multiple years, been apart for 3 months due to work? How has it worked out for you? What kind of things did you do to make sure it did work?
  14. Hello everyone, I apologize if I start to rant but this situation has been giving me a lot of stress. To give some context I’m in a relationship with my middle school sweetheart. We’ve been dating for 6+ years, and have had our share of big ups and way downs but we always pull through healthier and better than before. This past year I’ve recently earned my dream job as a chef. It’s long stressful hours that begin early in the day and end past midnight. With only one day off it’s taken a great toll on our relationship. My gf states that I do not spend enough time with her, nor do I make any effort to do so, and that I don’t care about our relationship anymore. I can understand why she feels that way but it just isn’t true. I’m more than in love with her and I can’t imagine a life without my best friend. I tried putting in effort where it’s possible. I make my way over to hers after my shift ends and then go to work from hers. I tried taking off work to spend time with her. I call and text her constantly even during my work hours but still she acts angry towards me. Now she wants to break things off completely and tells me that I don’t care. I just want her to recognize that I’m working hard and trying to achieve my goals for us and for our future. What can I do in this situation? She isn’t willing to listen to me or allow me to fix things.
  15. Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here. I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex. Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on. This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach. __________ The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference. ___________ Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event. Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through. Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others. Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief. Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself. Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break. Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up. If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away. Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting. Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you. Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful. Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts. Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial. Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process. Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate. Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done. At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle. If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support. Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name. The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.
  16. I want to chronicle my journey, post-breakup so that hopefully ENAers current and in the future can use my story as a point of reference. I'll do my best to post here each day with how I'm feeling, doing, interactions, etc. My story? Senior in college. Mutually broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years six weeks ago. Neither of us were happy in the relationship anymore. We basically spent most of our free time together and over-time, that led to a toxic dynamic. We neglected our friends to be together. We just agreed that we loved and cared about each other and didn't want to totally ruin our dynamic by continuing at our current pace. We wanted time to work on ourselves and find happiness alone again before ever having a healty relationship again. Don't get me wrong. Our relationship was based off of a lot of love. She has still told me that she knows that she's going to marry me one day and that no one will ever treat her better than I did. Do I believe her? Well, I did and still somewhat do. No such thing as false hope because hope doesn't mean success. We've been through everything together from swine flu, to pregnancy scares, deaths in the family, mental breakdowns, hospital visits, going grocery shopping on a Friday night. We've pretty much experienced much more than you should in a 2.5 year time frame. The last six weeks? Hellish. I've asked for her back on four different occasions to only be rejected each time (Three of them were alcohol-enduced). After a few days passed by, I felt like we could handle the problems while in the relationship. Well, she didn't agree. She kept saying that she needed 'space'. So I've been in and out of NC. My longest period was for three weeks and I felt so much better. However, after I saw her at a bar and I was really drunk, I started to text her and ask for her back. This didn't go over well and I called and apologized to her today. Basically, my fear of loss has compelled me to do a lot of stupid things. I've out of character on more than one occasion. I can't cook, either. So that has sucked, a lottttt. Is there a rebound? Nope. She's not interested in dating anyone else. She has spent a ton of time with her friends, who are all single. Most were very envious of our relationship because it was so damn comfortable. Definitely could be a phase. Has she contacted me? Yep. The most recent time was last Wednesday. She texts me late at night. Like 12:30 am. And mind you, she is not a drinker. So these aren't drunk texts. These are 'I put my head on the pillow and think about you' texts. She's just a better actor than I am when disguising her feelings. I know she still cares about me. One of her last texts to me? 'I'm starting to feel like a normal person again'. Just goes to show that they hurt just as much as we do, post-breakup. Misc I removed her on Facebook awhile back. I don't take my cell phone when I go out to avoid drunk texting (bit me twice in the past). Her family absolutely loves me. Her brother still talks to me and often asks for my advice. Her mom came to visit two weeks ago and wanted to come over to see me. However, I was at work. She has 'checked in' on me a few times. I didn't really give her much information, but I didn't exactly blow her off. I feel like that is not productive if you want someone back who doesn't have a current boyfriend/fling. What Have I Done? Re-connect with old friends. Met lots of new friends. Go out, a lot. Meet new girls. Exercise like crazy. I've dropped 15 pounds over this six week period. I've really worked hard at my job and with my college work. Tried to do everything in my power to not think about her. Final Thoughts I miss this girl like crazy, but I'm slowly letting go. That's the only way you can get yourself back. I'd like to have her back someday, but not until I'm 100% happy again and she gets this whole phase out of her system. Hopefully this gave you an intro to my situation and feel free to chime in whenever. Just remember, when you love someone, you never give up. That doesn't mean you'll get them back, but if you truly love someone, you'll want them to always be happy. Your happiness, however, is always the top priority. Don't forget the push-pull dynamic. The more you push, the worse things will become. You can never 'pull' too much. The best gift you can give an ex? The gift of missing you. Go away. If you envision positive things, they'll happen for you.
  17. I have been in a relationship with the most wonderful man for the past 6 months. When I met him he had been separated from his ex for about 18 months. Neither of us were expecting it but when we met we just clicked from the start and decided to go with it. We’ve always been very open with each other. I was aware that it wasn’t long since his ex left him and always wanted to be sure that he was ready for something new so we have always talked about it. He asked me to be his girlfriend after a couple of months and our relationship has been incredible. We have met each other’s families, spent weekends away together and our relationship has been progressing well. He treats me really well, my friends think he is great and we are very well suited. He is also an incredibly loyal, genuine and nice person (in massive contrast to what I’ve been used to before!!). However, it seems he’s been having a bit of a wobble recently. He’s about to start a brand new job/career and he says that meeting me has urged him to sort his life out in that respect. He says that his life is a bit of a mess at the moment. I’ve also noticed that he’s been holding back a bit more whereas before he has always worn his heart on his sleeve. We had a long talk about it a couple of nights ago and he explained that although he is over his ex, he’s not yet fully over the hurt that the break up caused (she left him). And whilst he cares about me very deeply and even loves me, he has also been reflecting on why he has been more distant recently. He says that when he met me he had spent a lot of time healing and was just ready to start really enjoying being single but then I came along and he wasn’t expecting it or looking for it. Our relationship is very different to the one he had with his ex as he says he basically lived a single life alongside her. Whilst we are both very independent people, we enjoy spending time together which, in hindsight, maybe means the relationship has progressed quite quickly. He confided in a friend recently about how he was feeling, who asked him if maybe it was too soon and I think he’s been reflecting on this. It came as a bit of a shock to be honest as he’s always been so open with me I was surprised to realise that he had been feeling like this. I’ve asked him whether he wants to carry on and he says he absolutely does. That he is fully committed to this and wants us to continue enjoying getting to know each other and building on what we have. He says he doesn’t want to wreck the possibility of being with somebody who could be ‘the one’ just because he’s at a weird time in his life, and that he just wanted to be completely open with me. But at the same time he’s been worried that recently I’ve overtaken him with where we are in our relationship and that although he does see a future with me, he just wants to concentrate on the present for now. The funny thing is, since talking about it he has actually become more affectionate again. We saw each other again last night and I asked how he was. He said that since being completely open with me about everything, he actually feels closer to me and feels good about everything going forward but is worried that he may have pushed me away. I’m currently going through the motions of reflecting on all of this. It has made me worry...what if it is too soon for him?! Everything he has done has shown me that he very much cares for me and I really don’t want us to give up on this. But at the same time, I also don’t want to get hurt if he suddenly realises that he’s not ready. My gut is telling me to just slow it down and take it at his pace. But if I’m being honest it has made me feel more emotionally insecure around him. I have been hurt before and I don’t want to be in that position again. I guess I’m just trying to work out the best way forward so thoughts and comments would be appreciated. Sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who had read this far!
  18. hi this isn’t exactly relationship advice but i don't know where else to post this and don’t know what else to do. so i work at a country club and a few weeks ago a new banquet captain was hired. and over the short amount of time he’s been here he’s put his hands on multiple of the women employees (some underage, including myself). usually he’ll touch or grab our waists or just our backs, he’s put his hands on my face before too. it makes us all feel really uncomfortable and multiple of us have told him to stop before, which he hasn’t. he also calls us all sweetheart, baby, cutie, etc. he’s also straight up told me i was cute before and told me i was being seductive to him when i told him to “come here” in the most normal way possible. i’m 16, he’s 30. this is just everything that has happened to me so far and i couldn’t even tell you all the things he’s said or done to the other girls in the workplace, some as young as 15. but, what my main concern and breaking point really is is that he said racist things to one of the black employees, calling him a “colored person”. i only found this out today but apparently this took place only a few days after this guy started. this is everything that has happened in a matter of about 3 weeks and i’ve gotten to the point where i don’t want to work with him anymore because he disgusts me in every way possible and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to be around. i like my job and all of my other coworkers besides him so i don’t want to quit but i don’t know what to do. do i try reporting him to the general manager? what do i even say and how do i put it into words? i just want him out of this place because its making my job an uncomfortable environment, and not just for me. i don’t know if they would be hesitant to fire him since he is the banquet captain.
  19. New to this forum but have actually read quite a lot on the ex back and NC topics. Long story very short... 6-year relationship, she's 19 years younger... call me a cradle-snatcher, but we really understood each other for most of those 6 years. Lived together for 2 years. I should have seen it coming as all the signs were there and she actually tried to tell me many times - only I didn’t (want to) hear it :-(. She moved away in March this year but we saw each other every couple of days and she’d spend at least one night of each week. 8 weeks ago she just called it quits. Was a very cold shower and total surprise. I was upset at first and didn’t talk to her for two days, then we texted some there and back. But she was suddenly a different person - cold, non-understanding, not willing to talk about anything. All the usual stuff that you read about that a dumper does after the fact. I called her once but all I got was a brick wall. Sent a long email asking for some explanation and if we could work it out. Not sure she even read it. As I suspected, there is also a guy at play that she has been seeing / flirting with (maybe) since April. Not sure I would call this a rebound but I believe at some point in June, she would be torn between the two of us - more inclining to the new guy (for all the obvious reasons). She did keep in irregular contact a few times a week after that - saying she wants to stay friends as she cares too much for me and I mean a lot in her life. Kept telling her I am not her friend because simply I feel more than that. I went and read tons of stuff (never really been dumped in my life, haha). Went NC 4 weeks ago. Immediately started doing stuff - I’m not short of hobbies - do lots of sports but added a gym and personal trainer to occupy the mind and tire the body. Been playing the piano and guitar a lot lately (after many many years), been playing computer games in the evenings, reading advice on this forum and elsewhere. She contacted me after 2 weeks, asking to see me, which I (a bit reluctantly) agreed to, I said I would bring her magazines that were delivered for her to our place. I was never mean to her, only a bit cold I’d say. We met at Starbucks and I was trying to be upbeat and not display any sense of urgency, pleading or anything. Tried to look real busy at work (which I actually am now). She didn’t say why she wanted to meet - maybe she didn’t feel the situation was good or maybe she just wanted to meet as buddies over coffee, don’t know… She acted a bit annoyed, especially later when she asked if I was going to come to our sports trainings and events and I said I didn’t plan to. She also seemed a bit pressed for time towards the end, though she said she had plenty. I am sure she went to see the other guy right after that and maybe didn’t want to keep him waiting. We parted ways with a hug. I wanted to kiss her like I used to but she just wanted a friendly kiss, which I said no to. So we just hugged a bit more and she left. I texted her later saying it was good to see her and she should stay in touch if she wants to. She texted back that obviously I can’t have contact with her now so it’s me who needs to stay in touch. I said maybe she could come over one night to watch our favourite TV show. She said she’d like that. I left it at that and went back to NC. She texted again a week later (yesterday actually), calling me my sweetheart name and saying that a new series of our favourite show would be screening next Monday. I replied (nicely) that I would definitely watch! And she said - “you definitely should”.
  20. Hi! So I've just completed an internship at a company. I think I did a decent job and was well-liked among colleagues and customers. During this internship, I developed a friendship with a colleague and we flirted a bit. On my last day, she told me she would miss me but unfortunately I forgot to ask for any kind of contact details. She even said (jokingly) she would try to find out my number from the company's system which I should have probably taken as a hint. I think I would deeply regret if I never met this person again but I am now faced with the following dilemma: Her work email is the only way I have of getting in touch with them. On a scale of 1-10, how creepy/wrong would it be to contact her on her work email? It also doesn't help the situation that I am leaving the country in a few weeks. Any advice is appreciated, I'm really not sure what to do here.
  21. Going through quite an immense crush on a work colleague right now, I need to let this out. And I will ask her out one day soon A lonely desk, time so precious, Each day comes, each day goes, But thinking of your smile, of the time we may next meet, Admonishes the agony, washes away the woes. Deadlines a dash, impossible tasks to tend, I gain strength through your smile, now there's hope, A point to each problem, a method to the madness, At the start of every Monday morning there is a way to cope. Our talks may now and then be trimmed, As we immerse ourselves within the confines of our drastic demands, But nothing will ever give me more pleasure, Than the thought of one day walking with you, hand in hand. If only there were a way, corporate world be damned, To let you know how much I appreciate the simple, special sanctuary of your smile, Surely there is no wrong in how I feel, For even if there were to be, this boy isn't going anywhere for a long, long while.
  22. I've recently taken an interest in pin up art. To be specific, the works of Barbara Jensen and Keith Garvey. Their art portrays scantily clad and nude women. I'm wondering if that would be a turn off to women if they were to see my art books.
  23. I just know that this is a project I'm going to do - build my own gypsy caravan - a really girly one too. I've always been fascinated by them, and last night was googling images of gypsy caravans. I found a lovely one which, with a bit of help and a lot of time, I know I could create. It would be a labor of love, and I hope to also one day have a perfect place amongst nature to live in my caravan. If anyone else finds them enchanting as I do, please post links to images of ones you like. I've seen caravans not too far from where I live which would be suitable for renovation - most starting from around $1,000 - but there are ones cheaper. So far, this is my favourite. Please inspire me more: link removed Here's a link also to lots of images of gypsy caravans. I think I would like to give mine a warm atmosphere inside by painting it in lots of blending colors. link removed
  24. Hi there, I consider myself someone who is capable of writing really wonderful plays for the theatre. The problem is that I have become so disillusioned with the world (I'm female in my early 40s) that I feel like nothing I write will ever make a difference and change things for the better. So right now while I have tons of time to write, I just find it impossible. It's making me feel very, very depressed. Is there anyone else who can relate to this, or who can give me some suggestions? The reason I write is to reach people, but if what I have to say is not something people care about then why bother? (is what my irrational brain keeps telling me). I keep thinking that 99.9% of people want to see rubbish, mindless stuff that does not make them think about making this world a better place. I see so much toxic garbage out there that people find entertaining and it breaks my heart that they do. I also think there is some amazingly beautiful, transformational films and theatre that is seen by many as well. But I find this is pretty rare. How does a writer who wants to make a real difference motivate themselves to keep writing even if their work will never be understood, loved or accepted by others? It's my calling...I have to keep writing, but right now I'm very blocked. I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.
  25. Anyone else think that the intellectual side of the artistic community is the loneliest place in the universe? I'm here listening to OSI tracks... and I have to wonder if I'll forever be doomed to be loveless because I'm emotive, expressive, contemplative and analytical. One can sound complex and dynamic on paper, but the progressive music community (rock, electronica, or hip hop) doesn't really connect with the female side of the fence for whatever reason. Anytime you go to a show, it's abundantly clear. I hate who I am sometimes. Hate my DNA. The simplicity of one direction over the other seems to work SO MUCH better for the average person. Right brain. Left brain. Nothing in-between.
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