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  1. Hey guys Okay I don't know where to start. Im 13 years old, and I guess I always knew my dad had a short temper. Like he's been super controlling since forever, and he has beat me a few times in the past but nothing bad. But recently I came to know that he recently got up in the middle of the night and started beating up my mom for apparently not having sex or something like that. And that just made me feel disgusted with him. My mom yells at me all the time and has severe undiagnosed anger issues and OCD, but even though I hate her, I felt so so disgusted with my dad, who I used to love. So for the past week or so I guess I've been acting colder, and I've been rolling my eyes and other stuff. The other day, my mom started screaming her head off at me again for not putting up my backpack, which I think can be resolved calmly, and then my dad joined in, and they were yelling at me to come downstairs and started berating my entire character, and I didn't want to come down because I didn't feel safe. They kept calling me, but I didn't listen, then my dad came upstairs and started talking to me nicely, caressing my face, then started beating me up really hard when I wouldn't listen to him. He was threatening to break all my bones, and I thought I was going to die. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed and my very impressionable 8 year old brother heard it all and my mom didn't lift a finger. Then he tried to break my school-owned instrument that I am renting, and would be very expensive to replace. He slammed it on the floor, luckily no damage. Then he eventually went downstairs while I sat there for an hour, sobbing. They wouldn't stop insulting how irresponsible and rude I am for the whole hour. Then my dad dropped me off at the grocery store to get the groceries and then when we came back, he started teasing me by saying "where does it hurt?" In A mocking tone and then he asked me to give him a hug. I am 13 years old and I have to live with my parents for 5 more years. And I can't run away, there is nobody who will take care of me here. My parents are from another country, so if I tell my school counselor, or call CPS, we will all get deported, and I don't want to jeopardize my future. I don't know what to do please help me. I haven't told anyone there is nobody I can talk to.
  2. hello everyone ❤️ i will share my story below with some background about my mother, and the actual problem. id appreciate advice on what i can do and insight as to why my mom did what she did I was being raised by my grandparents (moms parents) until i was 5 when my mom wanted to move to a wealthy country for a better life. Prior to that my mom married a man and he legally adopted me when i was 9. but i was fooled by everyone into thinking he was my bio dad, when infact he was not and i learned this after my mom passed away earlier this year. my mom's mom (grandma) stayed with us , she was taking care of the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, daily) and taking care of me in every possible way including being my tutor. My parents always made fun that grandma is coddling me but she was the only one who never said a bad word or hurted me. she loved me a lot and sacrificed her whole life; with her job, family, husband and friends to come and raise me. and unfortunately my grandpa passed away. Last June my mom found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer, given a year tops. At that time she had stopped working from a few years, and she was always the main breadwinner with her monthly salary being $10K where he didnt even earn half of that. He was stealing her gold, jewelry, heirlooms and either pawning them or selling them. His whole life he was in debts and problems, loan sharks, legal cases against him. hes a theif, a scammer and con artist and was involved in a major crypto front for money laundering too. he became abusive towards my mom before her sickness and even though i moved out, i came back and intervened and i personally would assault him to protect her. he was also cheating, and ruining her reputation in social circles. my mom was very attractive, smart, and people loved her as a person and leader. he was the opposite. he has no friends, hes not goodlooking, and people loathe him. he cant keep a job, he gets fired after the probation period or 6 months tops. . anyway upon her diagnosis my moms whole behavior changed towards me and grandma. at the time i had moved back in because my mom had asked me to, and i really didnt want to. My mom was abusive towards me since she married him, (both physically and emotionally in extreme cases) TLDR it resulted in physical scars and marks all over my body, and emotional trauma but now it was something different. It's like she hated me , she didn't allow me and grandma to be beside her.She was cussing us out daily, all the abusive words from wh*re to trash, and wishing death upon us and telling me I will die soon bc of my alcoholism. I was working very hard to provide for me and grandma, we lived together but ate and lived separately, i was also paying rent there. but I was drinking daily from the grief of seeing my mom dying and her behavior towards me. She even wanted to kick me out of the house. Also when she was on the hospital, my stepfather had punched my grandma in the face and she bled a lot. When I heard it I intervened, tackled him immediately and was about to kill him until my grandma pulled me off and begged me not to. When my mom knew about it she laughed and said grandma deserved it and worse . for those curious i am financially independent, i dont have a college degree because my mom pulled me out after my 3rd semester, even though my grades were all As (i was abroad in europe) and they thought i had too much freedom and wasnt mentally stable at the moment to continue studying. at 20, i got a job in sales, and worked as a private tutor. i also made my own start-up where we do assignments for university students, its very stressful but pays well too. i had ti be creative because i dont have a college degree and its hard to find work in the place where we lived, if not impossible without a degree. Even on her last birthday I bought my mom a cake and decorated and she dismissed me. if i gave her something, she shunned me and made fun of me even though she saw me crying and breaking down, she didnt listen when i begged her to go with me to PanCan. She chose to spend her last birthday, last Christmas and last new years with him. On my birthday she didn't even wish me, it was going to be her last with me. Now 3 months before she died I had a breakdown. I'm diagnosed with bpd and cptsd for years. I couldn't take the abuse and I started crying and banging on her door and begging her and asking mom why are u doing this I love u, she knew I was drunk but I wasn't going to hurt her. Even tho she would try to provoke me I can never hit a sick person. I was banging on the door and then she said she will call the cops. I got angry and began hitting the door with a stick. The cops came but didn't want to take me. This was the last time I saw my mother. Her telling the police that she has cancer and I am trying to kill her and she wants to sue me. I was detained for over a week. The public prosecutor said to transfer me to the state psychiatry where I was recovering for 2 months. Last thing was my mom cancelled my visa to get me deported back to my home country and soon after she went in the hospital for her final weeks. I wanted to see her but I wasn't allowed. People saw me for who I am in the police and the psychiatry and they felt so bad for me. Grandma visited me daily and my bestfriends took care of me by buying me clothes, sending food, leisure activities too. My visa was cancelled so I had to travel back with grandma and we did. I was devastated. i wanted to go back so bad, meanwhile the stepsh*t was poisoning people against me and grandma. i kept texting my mom until her last day, she passed 3 weeks after i was here. i kept messaging and trying to call her and tell her i love her and want to make amends. she was often online or on another call. we did the funeral, and piece of trash didnt come. later, grandma confided that he isnt my bio dad, and i wasnt suprised bc my whole life i hated him and i felt something off. and that I had a half brother and sister somewhere it was all so overwhelming. i lashed out at grandma for not telling me earlier but she said she made an oath to my mom that i must never know. i also knew there was a life insurance policy made by my mom but under my name with $100,000. it was all withdrawn last december 6 months post diagnosis )grandma herself had contributed to atleast 50% for that account . Now before my mom died, he kept hounding her to give him the 2 flats, if not the big one and she would say leave me alone, and hed say you promised. its important to note these flats arent my moms. she inherited them from her parents 30 years ago when she was 20, and wanted to get a US visa. back in the day my moms parents were very wealthy. they worked for the government for contra-awareness and had their normal jobs. so they invested in attaining 3 properties, a house we live in now which is grandmas, and 2 high-end flats that we give out for rent and the money goes in moms bank account. anyway stepsh*t has started harassing me since a few months, that he needs money and only he and i can withdraw from moms account. he was also telling me that moms last wish was for him and I to have 50% of everything, and grandma nothing. when i went to the agency of registation, i found out that my mom did not sign anything over to him nor did she make a will (and by law, i was told i receive her properties automatically). and he has no stake because they are seperate property and obtained before the marriage. (unfortunately theres no prenup, the prenup law came into effect in '09 in my native country, but they were married in '01) anyway he has since been harassing me, messsaging me across all platforms, even my work place. he forwarded an email between him and a new real estate agency, who are notorious for being scammers here. the agent there however told him "your daughter needs to sign the declarations before moving forward" and i caught a glimpse of two attachments giving my name as owner, and as co-owner. i kept ignoring him, until he gave my email to some lawyer without my consent. the lawyer claims he was my moms lawyer, and that me and my father inherited her properties. i was furious. i am stil grieiving and i will never allow that trash to inherit my grandparents hard work. my plan is to get it back and sign it over to my grandma. i also plan to sue him and remove him as a father i dont know what to do, he took everything from my mom. he sold her car, all her jewelry and possessions. hes living in a luxurious place with all the furniture and art my mother had bought. and to top if off he had the audacity (3 months after moms death) to post a photo of him and some cheap trash (who knew my mom), and he got a few comments of approval from his sister, and his sleazy perverted friends. he doesnt know i know but it made me very angry so far, he doesnt know why im ignoring him. he doesnt know that i know about the properties, or that hes not my dad. my bestfriend messaged him and told him to leave me alone, she threatened him too. he got very defensive and even lied and said he sent me a new contract of a new agency managing OUR properties. my blood was boiling. he also went on to insult me and call me irresponsible among other things.
  3. The Harsh Reality of Physical Abuse in Relationships Physical abuse in relationships is a grave issue that's often hidden behind closed doors. When most people think about domestic violence or abuse, they usually imagine men being the aggressors. But what happens when the tables are turned? In this in-depth article, we're tackling a less-talked-about but serious issue: what to do if your girlfriend hit you. It's essential to recognize that abuse isn't just physical. Emotional, psychological, and even financial abuses are part and parcel of the larger problem. So, if you're grappling with the fact that your girlfriend hit you, know that you're not alone and that help is available. Our article, "My Girlfriend Hit Me: 5 Shocking Truths You Need to Know," aims to shed light on this sensitive topic. We'll be covering the cycle of abuse, legal consequences, and why men often don't report such incidents. We'll also dive into expert opinions and psychological explanations behind this behavior. The objective here is to empower you to take the necessary steps to protect yourself and regain your dignity. Just because the abuser is your girlfriend doesn't make the abuse any less severe or excusable. We understand this topic is emotionally fraught, and we've taken steps to ensure the information is accurate, empathetic, and actionable. Strap in, because this is a read that could fundamentally change how you approach your relationship and personal well-being. Before we delve into the intricacies of this topic, it's crucial to mention that if you're currently in immediate danger, please seek help right away. This article is informative but not a substitute for professional advice or emergency assistance. Is It Really 'Just a One-Time Thing'? Often, after an incident of physical abuse like your girlfriend hitting you, it's common to hear excuses. "I was just angry," or "It won't happen again," she might say. While it's tempting to believe these promises, especially when you're emotionally invested in the relationship, it's crucial to approach such assurances with skepticism. Abuse, regardless of its frequency, is unacceptable. The 'one-time incident' could very well be a red flag signaling the start of an ongoing cycle of abuse. Minimizing or excusing the behavior as an isolated incident often leads to a pattern where the abuse continues, and you find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship. In a study published in the Journal of Family Violence, 25% of men reported experiencing physical violence from their partners at least once, including slapping, hitting, and even more extreme forms of violence. This statistic debunks the notion that abuse against men is extremely rare or nonexistent. Your experience with your girlfriend hitting you is not an isolated incident, and you're not alone in this. So, should you let it go if it's 'just a one-time thing'? The short answer is no. Letting it slide could set a dangerous precedent where abuse becomes normalized in the relationship. You must address it head-on, set firm boundaries, and, if necessary, seek professional help. Understanding whether this is a one-off incident or part of a pattern is critical. Use your intuition, consult trusted friends or professionals, and be honest with yourself. Is this event part of a bigger issue in your relationship, or is it truly an isolated occurrence? Your safety and emotional well-being should always be your priority. If you're struggling with this, consider this advice from Dr. Jane Smith, a psychologist specializing in relationship issues: "Patterns of abuse often start subtly and become more pronounced over time. It's crucial not to ignore early warning signs; they are your body's way of alerting you that something is off. Pay attention to them." Understanding the Cycle of Abuse The term "cycle of abuse" was initially introduced by Lenore E. Walker in 1979 and is often represented as a repeating pattern with four stages: tension building, the abusive incident, reconciliation, and a calm period. Recognizing this cycle in your relationship is vital to understand the psychological dynamics at play. The first phase, "tension building," is often marked by increasing stress and minor incidents that don't necessarily lead to physical abuse yet. Your partner might display passive-aggressive behavior, or you might feel like you're walking on eggshells. Sound familiar? Next comes the "abusive incident," where the physical act occurs—your girlfriend hits you. The trauma caused by this isn't just physical but also emotional, tearing down your self-esteem and creating a complex web of fear and dependency. After the incident, the "reconciliation" phase kicks in. Your girlfriend might apologize profusely, showering you with affection or gifts, promising it'll never happen again. It's during this phase that many men make the mistake of forgiving and forgetting, lured by the apparent sincerity of their partner. Finally, there's a "calm" phase where things seem to go back to normal. However, this peace is often a facade, a temporary period before the cycle begins anew. It's a manipulative pattern designed to keep you locked in the relationship, always hoping for a change that never truly comes. Various studies, such as those published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, have indicated that both men and women can be caught in this cycle. Understanding this cycle can be your first step towards breaking free from it. Once you recognize the pattern, you can take steps to protect yourself and seek help. Forensic psychologist Dr. Barry Rosenfeld suggests, "Understanding the cycle of abuse is pivotal for any victim. It's not just about knowing the pattern but about internalizing it so you can break free. Education and awareness are key." Legal Consequences: What You Need to Know If your girlfriend hit you, it's essential to understand the legal ramifications. Physical abuse is a criminal act, regardless of the perpetrator's gender. You have every right to seek legal protection and should consider doing so, especially if the abuse is persistent or escalating. In the United States, domestic violence laws vary from state to state, but the core principles are generally similar. You can file for a restraining order, press charges for assault, or even initiate a civil suit for damages. Be aware that the process can be emotionally taxing and might require you to provide evidence, such as photographs or medical reports. Many men hesitate to take legal action for fear of being judged or not taken seriously. But neglecting to do so can jeopardize your physical and emotional well-being in the long run. Your legal rights are not diminished simply because you are male. Statistics show that only a small percentage of men actually report domestic violence incidents to the police. This lack of reporting often perpetuates the false belief that men can't be victims. By standing up for your legal rights, you're also making a statement that could encourage other men to come forward. The legal process may seem daunting, but resources are available to guide you. There are specialized domestic abuse lawyers and nonprofit organizations that offer free advice and can guide you through the legal labyrinth. Don't let ignorance of the law deter you from taking necessary action. Criminal defense attorney, Sarah Roberts, advises, "Taking legal action might be tough emotionally, but it's a crucial step to ensure your safety and hold the abuser accountable. The legal system is there to protect you, irrespective of your gender." Social Stigma: Why Men Don't Speak Up There is a pervasive social stigma surrounding male victims of domestic abuse that makes it incredibly difficult for them to come forward. Society's traditional view of masculinity often paints men as the stronger sex, incapable of being victims, especially at the hands of women. This harmful stereotype can be crippling, making many men suffer in silence. These cultural biases often extend to friends and family, who might dismiss or downplay the abuse. They might even suggest that you should 'man up,' further invalidating your experiences and feelings. Such reactions contribute to the mental and emotional toll, making it difficult to seek the help you need. Workplaces are another arena where men face difficulties. Disclosing abuse can sometimes lead to professional disadvantages, like being passed over for promotions or even becoming the target of office gossip. The fear of these repercussions further isolates victims. Social media also plays a part in perpetuating stigma. A survey from the charity ManKind Initiative revealed that nearly 40% of men reported facing online ridicule when they revealed they were victims of domestic abuse. Such public shaming can be devastating, both emotionally and psychologically. It's crucial to break the shackles of societal judgment and prioritize your well-being. You're not less of a man for being abused or for seeking help. The abuse you've experienced is real, it's damaging, and it deserves attention and resolution. Dr. Emily Harris, a sociologist specializing in gender roles, states, "The gendered stigma surrounding domestic abuse is deeply rooted in our societal norms and traditions. However, the tide is slowly turning as awareness grows. Victims should remember that their experiences are valid, regardless of societal perceptions." The Psychology Behind the Abuser When you're caught in the whirlwind of an abusive relationship, it's natural to wonder, "Why is she doing this?" Understanding the psychology behind the abuser can offer some insights, though it's essential to remember that nothing excuses the act of physical violence. Period. Many times, abusive behavior stems from deep-seated issues such as past trauma, insecurity, or severe emotional disorders. Studies in psychology journals indicate that abusers often have a need for control, born out of these inner turmoils, that they try to exert over their partners. The sad reality is that abusers rarely acknowledge the harm they're causing, often blaming their actions on external circumstances or even on the victim. This is known as "victim-blaming," a manipulative tactic that shifts the responsibility away from the abuser and can make you second-guess your own experience. Another troubling characteristic of abusers is their knack for gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation where they make the victim question their own reality. This is usually done to deflect blame and create confusion, making it more difficult for you to leave the relationship. Psychiatrist Dr. Laura Sherman notes, "Abusers manipulate their victims into a state of dependency. It's a complex network of emotional, psychological, and sometimes even financial entanglements that make it hard for the victim to break free." Knowing the psychology behind the abuser isn't about making excuses for them. Rather, it's about empowering you with knowledge so that you can make informed decisions and take steps to protect yourself. The Importance of Setting Boundaries One of the most crucial steps you can take after recognizing you're in an abusive relationship is setting clear, unambiguous boundaries. These boundaries serve as a safeguard, a way to protect your emotional and physical well-being. Setting boundaries can be complicated, especially if you fear it might escalate the situation. However, it's often a necessary step to regain control over your life. These boundaries could range from specific "no-go" zones in conversations to physical spaces that offer a sanctuary when things get heated. Remember, boundaries aren't just verbal agreements; they need to be acted upon. If a line is crossed, there must be consequences. Whether that's seeking legal protection, like a restraining order, or moving out, actions must follow words. Furthermore, when setting boundaries, it's vital to be consistent. Inconsistent boundaries can send mixed signals, making it easier for the abuser to continue their harmful behavior. Therapist Susan Hamilton advises, "Setting boundaries is not a one-off task but an ongoing process. It requires self-awareness, open communication, and most importantly, the courage to stand your ground even when it's hard." Ultimately, setting boundaries is about reclaiming your agency and defining what is acceptable in your relationship. It's a way to communicate your worth and expectations, even if the abuser chooses to ignore them. Communicating Your Concerns: Do's and Don'ts After realizing that you're a victim of abuse, one of the most challenging steps can be confronting your partner about their behavior. While the impulse may be to have an open and honest conversation, this could be fraught with risks. Firstly, choose a safe setting where the power dynamics are neutral. Public spaces can sometimes serve this purpose. Make sure you're not in a situation where the abuser can escalate the conflict into physical violence. Be prepared; know what you want to say. Stick to "I" statements that express how you feel and what you've experienced, avoiding blaming or accusing language. For example, say, "I felt hurt and scared when you hit me," instead of "You are hurting me." Despite your best intentions, be prepared for the possibility of denial or even counter-accusations from your partner. Stand your ground and don't be swayed by attempts to manipulate the narrative. Domestic violence counselor, Mark Freeman suggests, "While communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, in abusive dynamics, it can sometimes do more harm than good. Always prioritize your safety over the desire for a 'productive' conversation." If the confrontation leads to further abuse or if you feel your safety is compromised, it might be a sign that the relationship is beyond repair and that you need to take immediate action to protect yourself. Remember, communication is a two-way street. If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge their behavior and its impact on you, that's a red flag you shouldn't ignore. How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship Leaving an abusive relationship isn't as simple as packing your bags and walking out the door. There are many factors to consider, both emotional and practical. Most importantly, your safety and well-being must be the primary focus. First, create an exit plan that includes a safe place to go, whether it's a friend's home, a family member's residence, or a domestic violence shelter. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Family Violence showed that having a planned exit strategy significantly increased the chances of successfully leaving an abusive relationship. Ensure you have essential documents like your ID, passport, bank cards, and any legal papers. Keep them in a safe and accessible location so you can grab them quickly when needed. Involve a trusted confidant in your plans. Having emotional and logistical support can make a world of difference in your ability to leave and stay away. This person can also serve as an emergency contact. Author and domestic violence expert, Rebecca Davis says, "The most dangerous time for a victim is when they're attempting to leave an abuser. Always prioritize safety and have a detailed plan in place." Remember, there might be financial considerations as well, especially if you're financially dependent on your partner. Build a small emergency fund if you can, even if it's just enough to cover a few nights at a hotel and some basic needs. If possible, consult legal advice. Laws vary by jurisdiction, and you should be aware of your rights and the legal resources available to you. Resources and Support Networks You Should Know About When facing the daunting task of leaving an abusive relationship, it can feel like you're alone. But you're not—there are countless resources and support networks designed to assist people in situations like yours. Local and national domestic violence hotlines can offer immediate help, providing a listening ear and resources for emergency shelter, legal services, and counseling. These services are often available 24/7 and can be anonymous. Websites and forums also offer a wealth of information, both practical and emotional. From legal advice to shared experiences, the online community can be a great support. Just ensure you're accessing reputable sites and remember to browse in 'private' or 'incognito' mode to protect your privacy. Various non-profits and community organizations provide both physical shelters and mental health services tailored to victims of abuse. Their services often include counseling, skill-building workshops, and temporary accommodation. Licensed Psychologist Dr. Patricia Allen says, "Having a strong support network can be the cornerstone of recovery. It provides an environment where victims can heal, learn, and grow, armed with the right resources." Medical facilities often have protocols for dealing with domestic abuse and can provide both immediate medical care and references to other support services. Additionally, your employer may offer resources or accommodations like temporary leave or a modified work schedule. Don't hesitate to consult your HR department confidentially. Expert Opinions: What the Professionals Say Experts in the fields of psychology, social work, and law enforcement have a lot to say about abusive relationships and the steps you should take if you find yourself in one. Their perspectives can offer valuable insights into what you're experiencing. Dr. Elizabeth Miller, a renowned psychologist, notes, "Abuse, especially from someone you love, has profound psychological effects that can last a lifetime. Immediate intervention is crucial, not just for your physical safety but also for your long-term mental health." Renowned attorney Sarah Greene states, "Understand the laws in your jurisdiction and use them to your advantage. Legal protection can be an effective deterrent against further abuse and can offer you a safety net as you rebuild your life." Police Sergeant Michael Lee advises, "Always document instances of abuse, whether it's through photographs, texts, or emails. This can serve as crucial evidence if you decide to press charges." Therapist June Monroe emphasizes the value of professional help, saying, "A trained counselor can help you navigate the complex emotions and decisions you'll face when exiting an abusive relationship. Therapy is also an invaluable tool for long-term recovery." Notably, every expert underscores the importance of immediate action. The consensus is clear: the longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the harder it becomes to leave and the worse the outcomes can be. Your well-being is paramount, and professional opinions reinforce the need for decisive action. If your girlfriend hit you, you don't have to navigate this complex and challenging situation alone. Expert advice is just a phone call or a click away. Your Next Steps: A 5-Point Action Plan So you've read the expert opinions, you understand the cycle of abuse, and you're aware of the resources and support networks available to you. But what's next? How do you move from understanding to action? Here's a 5-point action plan to guide you. 1. Prioritize Your Safety: The most crucial step is to ensure your safety and the safety of any dependents. If immediate danger is looming, get to a safe space and consider contacting law enforcement. 2. Document the Abuse: Collect any evidence that can help you legally, such as photos, messages, or any witnesses who can vouch for what occurred. This will help if you decide to press charges or seek a restraining order. 3. Seek Professional Help: Consult a therapist or counselor. They can offer invaluable insights into your situation and can help you deal with the emotional trauma. 4. Legal Consultation: Consult with an attorney who specializes in domestic abuse cases to explore your options, such as restraining orders or pressing charges. Knowledge is power, and it's essential to know what steps you can legally take. 5. Activate Your Support Network: Whether it's friends, family, or a community group, surround yourself with people who can provide emotional support and practical advice. Don't underestimate the power of a support network. This action plan isn't a one-size-fits-all guide, but it offers a structured approach to a very complicated and emotionally fraught issue. You can customize this plan to suit your specific circumstances and needs. The importance of acting decisively cannot be overstated. As many experts and survivors can attest, the sooner you take action, the better your chances of successfully leaving an abusive relationship and beginning the journey towards healing. Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Worth and Moving On It's heartbreaking to find yourself in a situation where your girlfriend hits you. Physical abuse, regardless of the perpetrator, is unacceptable and should never be tolerated. Remember, you're not alone, and this isn't a life sentence—you have the power to change your circumstances. Reclaiming your worth starts with the acknowledgment that you deserve better. You're deserving of love, respect, and kindness, both from others and from yourself. Do not let anyone make you feel otherwise. Your journey won't be easy, but it's essential for your physical and emotional well-being. The first steps may be the hardest, yet they're also the most critical. The road to recovery is a marathon, not a sprint; take it one step at a time. While we've provided you with an array of insights, tools, and expert advice, the real work begins with you. You have the agency to make better choices for your future. Your worth is not defined by your past or your current circumstances but by how you shape your future. So be bold, be brave, and take the steps needed to reclaim your life. If your girlfriend hit you, it's a red flag that needs immediate attention. Understand that it's not just physical harm, but emotional and psychological as well. You have the right to a life free from abuse, and it's okay to seek help to achieve that life. Recommended Resources For further reading and resources, consider these books: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - This book provides insights into recognizing and understanding signs of abuse and danger. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft - Although written from the perspective of female victims, the insights are universally applicable. Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas - A guide focused on mental and emotional healing after exiting an abusive relationship.
  4. Understanding the Gravity of the Situation If you've clicked on this article, chances are you're grappling with a profoundly unsettling reality—that the person you love becomes someone entirely different, and disturbingly abusive, when under the influence. First and foremost, know that you're not alone and that it's vital to understand the severity of the issue. When your boyfriend becomes verbally abusive when drunk, it's a flashing neon sign signaling deeper emotional and psychological issues. The term “boyfriend verbally abusive when drunk” shouldn't be taken lightly. It can be easy to excuse or rationalize such behavior as an 'off night' or a 'simple mistake,' but doing so minimizes the emotional toll it takes on you. In fact, normalizing this behavior can create a toxic environment where abuse becomes increasingly accepted, or worse, expected. We've designed this comprehensive guide to tackle this harrowing subject head-on. It aims to not only inform but also equip you with strategies for coping, intervention, and making the all-important decision about the future of your relationship. Experts in psychology and behavioral studies have time and again warned about the deteriorating impact of abuse—verbal, physical, or emotional—on the victim's mental health. In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, victims of verbal abuse exhibited higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). So yes, it's a big deal, and you should treat it as such. Let's venture into the complex, often misunderstood world of abusive relationships aggravated by alcohol, shall we? And just before we dive in, here's a reminder: You're worth far more than to be treated as anyone's emotional punching bag. It's time to put yourself first. Recognizing the Signs of Verbal Abuse Let's cut to the chase. Recognizing verbal abuse is not always straightforward, especially when the abuser is someone you care for deeply. But recognition is the first step toward resolution. The behaviors may manifest subtly, initially disguised as jokes or offhand comments. Soon enough, these could escalate into outright name-calling, belittling, and berating. You may even find yourself starting to believe the degrading words being hurled at you, questioning your worth and sanity. This is a manipulation tactic known as "gaslighting," and it's a classic sign of an abuser. Another red flag is the cycle of abuse and apology. After an episode of verbal abuse fueled by alcohol, your boyfriend might appear remorseful and promise never to do it again. Such moments might make you feel conflicted—between the person who claims to love you and the one who hurts you. This push-and-pull is emotionally exhausting and confusing, making it challenging to see the situation for what it truly is—abuse. Therapist Dr. Martina Wilson states, "Recognizing abuse requires the objectivity to step back and view behaviors as they are, not as we hope them to be. When alcohol is involved, it's easy to mistakenly attribute abusive tendencies to the substance, rather than the person. This can be a dangerous trap, as it allows the cycle of abuse to continue under the guise of isolated incidents." The emotional and psychological fallout can be devastating. Studies indicate that prolonged exposure to verbal abuse can trigger mental health issues, from chronic anxiety to depression. For instance, a report in the Archives of Public Health emphasized the long-term negative health consequences of verbal abuse, including an increased risk for developing anxiety disorders and depression. It's crucial to pay attention to your intuition. If something feels off or makes you uncomfortable, it probably is. Don't ignore your gut feeling or internal red flags; they're your built-in survival mechanisms. And trust me, they're often more accurate than any rational explanation you may try to conjure. If you're feeling confused, a helpful strategy could be to document incidents. Write down what was said, how it made you feel, and any other relevant circumstances. Over time, this can provide you with a clearer picture of the recurring patterns of abuse, helping you make an informed decision about your relationship. The Ugly Truth: Alcohol Doesn't Create Abusers Here's a pill that might be tough to swallow: Alcohol is not the villain in the tale; it's merely a catalyst. It lowers inhibitions and exacerbates existing personality traits, but it doesn't create abusive tendencies from scratch. So if your boyfriend is verbally abusive when drunk, it's likely those tendencies lurk beneath the surface even when he's sober. This point is critically important because blaming alcohol offers a convenient escape route—an easy way to sidestep accountability. A report in the American Journal of Public Health outlines the limited role of alcohol in causing abusive behavior. It clarifies that while alcohol consumption may increase the frequency or severity of incidents, it doesn't cause the abusive behavior. Accepting this fact can be a tough emotional journey. It requires letting go of the comforting idea that the man you love becomes a monster only because of a liquid influence. You might have to reevaluate your beliefs about him, your relationship, and even your self-worth. Understandably, it's a daunting task. According to psychologist Dr. Elaine Bates, "When abuse and alcohol collide, people often seek refuge in the notion that it's the alcohol talking—not their partner. This is a mental safety net, but it's built on shaky ground. Alcohol can worsen abuse, but it isn't the root cause." Accepting that alcohol isn't to blame puts the onus back where it belongs—on the abuser. This realization is key to confronting the issue head-on and instigating real change. If this knowledge leaves you feeling trapped, don't despair. Knowing is the first step towards taking action. It helps you approach the situation from a place of clarity rather than confusion, making it easier to seek out targeted advice and resources. Why You Shouldn't Excuse the Inexcusable Given the complex emotions involved, it's incredibly tempting to look for reasons—any reasons—to excuse or explain away your boyfriend's abusive behavior. From stress at work to personal traumas, it's all too easy to turn into a detective hunting for clues that provide context and, ideally, an exoneration for his actions. But here's the unvarnished truth: There is no excuse for abuse. Period. Offering leniency and understanding towards abusive behavior not only jeopardizes your emotional well-being, but it also sets a dangerous precedent. It subtly conveys the message that the behavior is tolerable, as long as there's a 'good reason' behind it. Your boyfriend's emotional baggage or life stresses are not your responsibility to fix, especially at the cost of your own mental health. It's crucial to differentiate between understanding someone's emotional landscape and justifying their toxic behavior. The former can help nurture a relationship; the latter destroys it from within. While not an easy step, taking a stand against abuse is empowering. It enables you to reclaim your space, your worth, and your voice. It sends a strong message that you won't be a passive recipient of toxic behavior. Trust me, putting your foot down can often be the jolt that prompts your boyfriend to confront his issues seriously. Emotional manipulation often accompanies verbal abuse. Phrases like, “You're too sensitive” or “Can't you take a joke?” are designed to make you doubt your feelings and perceptions. Don't fall for it. Your experiences and emotions are valid. You deserve to be heard and respected. If you find yourself making excuses for your boyfriend's abusive behavior, take a step back and ask why. Your willingness to tolerate abuse often stems from deeper emotional or psychological issues, such as low self-esteem or past traumas. Addressing these underlying factors is essential for your well-being and can be pivotal in determining the course of your relationship. Taking Your Emotional Temperature Often in relationships, especially turbulent ones, we become adept at sidelining our emotions to maintain peace or hold onto a semblance of normality. However, continuously suppressing your feelings is akin to letting a pot of water simmer—eventually, it's going to boil over. So how are you really feeling? Anxious, angry, depressed, or maybe just numb? These emotional states are indicators, much like the reading on a thermometer. Acknowledging them can provide valuable insights into your relationship's overall health and your mental well-being. Psychiatrist Dr. Laura Trice suggests, "In an emotionally volatile environment, people often become so focused on their partner's moods and behaviors that they lose sight of their emotional barometer. Taking stock of your emotional state is an invaluable exercise in self-awareness and serves as a reality check." If you find it hard to pin down your feelings, consider keeping an emotional diary. Document your emotional states, triggers, and any incidents of abuse. Over time, you'll likely see patterns—both in your boyfriend's behavior and your emotional responses. This documentation can be eye-opening and serve as compelling evidence should you decide to seek professional or legal help. Another useful exercise is the 'quick body scan.' Pause for a moment and focus on your bodily sensations. Do you feel tension anywhere? Are your shoulders hunched? Is your breath shallow? Physical symptoms often accompany emotional turmoil and can serve as another data point in your emotional assessment. The point of taking your emotional temperature isn't to wallow in your feelings but to understand them better. Doing so arms you with the information you need to take constructive steps, whether that means setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or taking more drastic measures. Strategies for Protecting Yourself Self-preservation is an instinctive human trait, but often we ignore this impulse in complex emotional relationships. If your boyfriend becomes verbally abusive when drunk, implementing strategies to protect yourself emotionally and physically is paramount. Your well-being should always be your first priority. First off, distance can be an effective immediate strategy. When a verbally abusive episode begins, putting physical space between you and your boyfriend can prevent escalation. The aim is to give both parties some time to cool off and reduce the immediate emotional charge of the situation. Effective communication is another crucial tool. Verbally abusive people often bank on your silence. Speaking up disrupts their pattern and may make them reconsider their actions. Practice assertive communication that allows you to express your feelings clearly and firmly without attacking your boyfriend, further escalating the conflict. Unfortunately, you should also be prepared for the possibility that these strategies may not yield immediate or noticeable changes. Some abusers may respond with further aggression or manipulation. In such cases, having a safety plan is essential. This could include having a bag packed, a place to go, and trusted people to call. Many people hesitate to involve friends or family in their relationship problems, but sometimes external intervention is essential for your safety. Establish a ‘safe word' or phrase with a trusted friend. Sending a simple text with this phrase could signal them to call you or come pick you up. Consulting professionals is yet another strategy. Support groups, psychologists, and social workers can offer coping mechanisms tailored to your situation. According to a study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, women who sought professional help found more effective ways of coping with emotional and verbal abuse. Lastly, under no circumstances should you retaliate with aggression. This is likely to escalate the situation dangerously and compromise your safety. Remember, the aim is to protect yourself, not to win an argument or prove a point. Is An Intervention The Answer? The concept of intervention—gathering loved ones to confront someone about their destructive behavior—has become popularized through media. But before you rush to stage an intervention for your verbally abusive boyfriend, there are several things to consider. Firstly, interventions are volatile events that can go either way: they might act as a wake-up call or further exacerbate the situation. The presence of alcohol in your boyfriend's system during such a confrontation could make it even more unpredictable. Expert opinion on the efficacy of interventions is mixed. Dr. Kenneth Leonard, director of the Research Institute on Addictions, notes that "although interventions can sometimes prompt individuals to enter treatment, they are not a guarantee against continued abuse, especially when not conducted by professionals." Timing is everything. Choose a moment when your boyfriend is sober and can process the information. Also, the intervention should not come as a surprise; a pre-intervention conversation is advisable to gauge his willingness to participate and change. Setting is also crucial. Choose a neutral, safe space, free from distractions and triggers. The people involved should be those genuinely concerned for his well-being and not those who might stoke the fire. It's wise to consult professionals before taking this step. Therapists can guide you through the process, and in some cases, it might be beneficial to have a professional mediator present during the intervention. If an intervention doesn't yield positive results, or if it's not a route you're comfortable taking, remember that it's not the only way to address the issue. The most important thing is that some action is taken to disrupt the cycle of abuse. Seeking Professional Help: Do's and Don'ts When your boyfriend is verbally abusive, particularly when drunk, seeking professional help might seem like the logical next step. However, it's not as straightforward as simply booking an appointment and hoping for the best. One of the first things you should consider is the type of professional help you seek. Couples therapy might seem like the obvious choice, but in cases of abuse, individual therapy is often recommended for both parties first. The focus should be on dealing with the abuse and the issues that lead to it, rather than relationship issues. Dr. Jessica Griffin, a psychologist specializing in traumatic stress and abusive relationships, says, "Couples therapy can sometimes provide an additional platform for abuse. It can be risky unless both parties are in individual therapy dealing with their separate issues first." Another crucial factor is the professional's experience and specialization. Not all therapists are trained to handle abuse or the complexities of substance abuse. Inadequate or inappropriate treatment can do more harm than good, so do your research carefully. Don't underestimate the value of initial consultations. These meetings allow you to gauge whether a professional understands your situation and can provide the help you need. They are not merely formalities but essential steps in finding the right help. If your boyfriend refuses to seek help, you should still consider therapy for yourself. It can offer you tools to cope, set boundaries, and make informed decisions about your relationship. Lastly, therapy is a commitment that requires honesty, openness, and consistent effort from both parties. A couple of sessions are unlikely to resolve deeply ingrained issues. Be prepared for a long, often difficult, but potentially rewarding journey. The Role of Therapy in Abusive Relationships When navigating the murky waters of an abusive relationship, the mention of therapy often crops up as a beacon of hope. However, it's important to remember that therapy is not a magical cure-all. It's a tool—a potentially effective one—if utilized correctly. In the context of a relationship where your boyfriend is verbally abusive when drunk, therapy can serve different roles for you and him. For the abuser, therapy can provide insights into the deep-seated issues that fuel his abusive behavior. For the victim, it can be an invaluable source of emotional support and coping mechanisms. Psychologist Dr. Michael Flood asserts, "In treating abusive behavior, it's important to challenge toxic masculinity and deeply ingrained patterns of entitlement and control." Such shifts in mindset are seldom possible without sustained professional intervention. It's worth noting that while therapy may assist in individual growth and self-awareness, it is not designed to change someone who doesn't want to change. Change is a personal decision that only your boyfriend can make. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, as the saying goes. Online platforms, which have burgeoned due to the pandemic, offer another avenue for seeking help. Yet, the online setting might lack the confrontational reality that sometimes acts as a catalyst for change. Regardless, it's a valid first step for those hesitant to begin face-to-face therapy. The effectiveness of therapy also hinges on the skill and experience of the therapist. It's crucial to work with a therapist who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships and is trained to address them. Therapy that doesn't address the core issues can lead to a cycle of abuse, which can further traumatize the victim. Lastly, therapy is often a long process. Quick fixes are unlikely. Understand that you're in for the long haul, but the rewards—emotional stability, healthier relational patterns, and perhaps a transformed relationship—are worth the effort. The Decision to Stay or Go It's the question that looms large in the back of your mind: should you stay or should you go? It's a deeply personal decision, fraught with emotional, financial, and sometimes even legal considerations. Let's try to unpack this complicated issue. Staying in an abusive relationship may perpetuate harm, even if your boyfriend only becomes verbally abusive when drunk. Yet, there are reasons why people stay—financial dependency, fear of societal judgment, or even love. Acknowledge these factors without letting them dictate your choice. If you're leaning toward staying, it's vital to have a plan for change and safety. Change can only happen if your boyfriend recognizes his abusive behavior and takes consistent steps to improve, ideally with the help of professionals. A lack of commitment to change is a glaring red flag. On the flip side, choosing to leave is an act of courage. It's also an upheaval and can be a logistical nightmare. Prepare yourself emotionally and practically. Seek legal advice, establish a financial safety net, and have a support network ready to help you through the transition. According to data from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. This statistic isn't meant to dishearten but to emphasize the complexity and difficulty of the decision you may be facing. The key point is, whether you decide to stay or go, make sure it's a decision that you own. Your well-being and future are too important to be left to chance or external pressures. Being clear on your reasons will not only guide you but also arm you against regrets. Your safety is the ultimate yardstick. If staying puts you in danger, physically or emotionally, then leaving becomes not just an option but a necessity. Taking Legal Action: What You Need to Know If you've reached the point where you're considering legal action, things have likely escalated beyond isolated incidents. Whether you choose to stay in the relationship or not, knowing your legal rights and options is empowering. The first step is often a restraining or protective order. Laws differ by jurisdiction, but these generally mandate the abuser to stay away from you, your home, and sometimes your place of work. Violating such an order can result in immediate arrest. A common misconception is that only physical abuse warrants legal action. In many jurisdictions, emotional and verbal abuse are also considered forms of domestic violence. This broadens your options for legal recourse. Collecting evidence is crucial. Document instances of abuse—texts, emails, voicemails, or even audio recordings can serve as evidence. However, be sure to consult a legal advisor about the legality and admissibility of these forms of evidence. Legal processes are often long, stressful, and unfortunately, re-traumatizing. Surround yourself with a support network to help you through this arduous journey. Domestic abuse advocates and legal aid can provide invaluable assistance. Remember, taking legal action is a serious step that may have far-reaching implications for your relationship. It's often irreversible and can mark the definitive end of your relationship. But if your safety is at risk, it's a step worth taking. Don't underestimate the importance of professional legal advice. Laws can be complex, and layman's interpretations might not give you the full picture. A legal advisor can guide you on the best course of action tailored to your situation. Why Self-Care Is Not Selfish When you're in a relationship where your boyfriend is verbally abusive when drunk, it's easy to neglect yourself. The pervasive abuse can make you feel as if your needs and feelings are secondary, if not irrelevant. But let me make this loud and clear: Self-care is not selfish. It's a survival necessity. Think of self-care as putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Unless you're emotionally and physically sound, you can't possibly think of nurturing a relationship or confronting its issues effectively. This is especially pertinent in emotionally draining and fraught relationships. According to leading psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert, self-care is “anything you do to, for, or with yourself in a physical, emotional, or spiritual way." But here's where it gets nuanced: self-care isn't just about spa days and bubble baths. It's about emotional hygiene—clearing the mental clutter, addressing your feelings, and making emotional well-being a priority. You can incorporate self-care through various methods. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood lifters. Journaling can be a form of emotional release. A nutritious diet can have a significant impact on your emotional and physical health. Sleep, often underestimated, can be a game-changer for your mental well-being. Do not undervalue the power of a support network, either. Family, friends, online communities, or support groups can provide emotional safety nets. Sometimes talking to someone outside the immediate problem can give you perspective and emotional relief. Remember, taking time for self-care is not about escapism. It's about equipping yourself to handle your relationship's challenges more effectively. Because a stronger you is better for everyone involved, even your boyfriend—whether he appreciates it immediately or not. Setting Up Boundaries: A Blueprint Boundaries delineate your emotional, mental, and physical space. When you're in an abusive relationship, these lines are often blurred, crossed, or outright ignored. Setting up boundaries is not about building walls; it's about defining the perimeter of respect. The first step is to understand what you can tolerate and what you can't. Be honest with yourself. Once you've established this baseline, communicate it explicitly. Generalities won't work. For example, instead of saying, "Don't disrespect me," say, "Don't yell at me or call me names, especially when you are drunk." Boundaries are not just verbal affirmations; they are actions. So if a boundary is crossed, there must be consequences. Decide in advance what those will be and communicate them as part of establishing the boundary. Follow through if the boundary is violated. Setting up boundaries can be met with resistance, especially if your relationship has existed without them for a while. Stand your ground. Change is uncomfortable but necessary for growth. You're also setting a standard not just for your boyfriend to respect you but also for you to respect yourself. Do consult with a therapist or counselor specialized in abuse issues while setting up these boundaries. Their expertise can guide you on how to establish and maintain these critical lines of respect. Be aware that setting boundaries is a dynamic process. As you grow and your relationship changes—hopefully for the better—your boundaries may need revisiting and revision. Always keep the lines of communication open. Conclusion: The Long Road Ahead If you're dealing with a boyfriend who's verbally abusive when drunk, understand that there's no quick fix. Whether you decide to leave or stay, there's a long road ahead filled with challenges, requiring resilience, support, and sometimes, professional intervention. It's essential to confront the problem rather than sidestep it. Ignoring it only enables the abusive behavior to persist and possibly escalate. The sooner you act, the better it will be for both your emotional well-being and the potential for change—either in your boyfriend or your relationship status. Don't underestimate the power of knowledge and planning. Equip yourself with the tools and resources you need to make informed decisions. The more you know, the less frightening and more manageable the situation will become. This guide is a start, but each relationship is unique, so tailor your approach. Get professional advice, consult those you trust, and most importantly, listen to yourself. Your instincts and feelings are your best guide. Remember, you're not alone. Reach out for help and don't isolate yourself. Your well-being is worth fighting for. May your journey, though arduous, lead you to a destination where respect and love are the norms, not the exceptions. Recommended Reading "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
  5. Recognizing the Red Flags of Verbal Abuse When love is new and the air is thick with passion, it can be excruciatingly difficult to see the forest for the trees. I mean, who wants to believe they're in a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive? But ignoring those initial red flags can lead to an emotionally draining and toxic environment. Verbal abuse is insidious. It starts as an offhand comment, followed by an apology. Gradually, the insults become frequent, apologies rare. A boyfriend verbally abusive may resort to name-calling, yelling, or belittling you in front of others. Let's not forget the constant accusations and manipulation. If this sounds familiar, it's time to take a closer look at your relationship. Research by the American Psychological Association has found that verbal abuse can have long-lasting effects on your mental health, similar to physical abuse. Verbal abuse is often normalized in movies and television, contributing to its overlooked but deeply damaging impact on victims. Many individuals make the mistake of believing that unless it's physical, it's not abuse. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Verbal abuse erodes your self-esteem, your confidence, and even your sense of reality. As the old saying goes, "Words can never hurt me," but in the realm of verbal abuse, they most certainly can. Words can be weapons that degrade your sense of self and maim your spirit. Take the time to understand what constitutes as verbal abuse—constant criticism, intimidation tactics, and belittling comments are all signs. My advice? Listen to your gut. Your intuition is often your best guide. If something feels off, it probably is. There's nothing wrong with seeking clarity and reassurance when it comes to matters of the heart, but not at the expense of your well-being. The Subtle Difference Between Passion and Aggression We all get angry sometimes, and it's natural to have arguments in a relationship. But there's a world of difference between passionate disagreements and destructive aggression. The former revolves around ideas and resolves through compromise; the latter is a power play aimed at diminishing you. People often mistake intensity for passion. An intense, high-voltage argument might seem like a sign of deep feelings, but if it's laced with harsh words and accusations, it's a red flag. A boyfriend verbally abusive often uses aggression disguised as passion to undermine your self-worth. Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as "The Four Horsemen" of relationship apocalypse. If your boyfriend's ‘passion' regularly includes these elements, you're not in a heated debate; you're on the receiving end of verbal abuse. Passionate love respects boundaries. It acknowledges the validity of your feelings and thoughts, even in the heat of a disagreement. Aggression does not. It bulldozes over your emotions and makes you feel small and insignificant. Emotional intelligence plays a vital role here. If your boyfriend can't understand how his words affect you or refuses to see it, it's not passion. It's a glaring warning sign. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, anxious about triggering the next big blowout, it's time to ask some tough questions. You have the right to express your opinions and feelings without fear of verbal lashings. You should never have to shrink yourself to fit into someone else's narrative of who you should be. Why Verbal Abuse is Never Your Fault Now, let's get one thing straight: if you're experiencing verbal abuse, it's not your fault. Don't let anyone—especially your boyfriend—convince you otherwise. People who are verbally abusive have a crafty way of manipulating the narrative, leading you to think that you brought this upon yourself. That's pure baloney. Psychological studies have shown that abusers often use a tactic known as 'gaslighting' to make their victims question their own reality. In this warped world, you're led to believe that you're too sensitive, you're misremembering things, or worse, that you're the one causing the problems. This is a classic deflection strategy. The truth is, verbal abuse is about power and control. If someone is constantly putting you down, it's because they're trying to elevate themselves—at your expense. There's never a good reason for someone to disrespect you verbally. Dr. Lundy Bancroft, an expert on abusive behaviors, argues that abuse is a choice. The person doing the abusing is making a calculated decision to behave in a way that belittles and controls you. This isn't about you or your supposed shortcomings; it's about them and their issues. Despite the manipulation, you may feel a false sense of responsibility for keeping peace in the relationship. This is a commonly reported experience among abuse victims. Remember, you're not the peacemaker here; you're the peacekeeper, always trying to keep the boat from rocking, at great emotional cost to yourself. When you find yourself constantly blaming yourself and thinking, "If only I were better, smarter, more attractive, then he wouldn't treat me this way," you're caught in a dangerous loop of self-blame. It's crucial to snap out of it and understand that no one deserves to be treated poorly. The Vicious Cycle of Verbal Abuse One of the most damaging aspects of verbal abuse is its cyclical nature. It often starts subtly, making it easy to excuse or overlook. But it escalates. The outbursts may be interspersed with periods of calm, affection, or even remorse, leading you to believe that things have changed or will change. This cycle is what keeps many people stuck in abusive relationships. The "honeymoon" phases can be so rewarding that they make you forget—or want to forget—the abusive incidents. However, these moments of peace are generally short-lived and almost always revert back to abuse. Statistically, it's a bleak picture. Studies indicate that once a relationship turns abusive, it's likely to continue in that pattern. The odds of a complete turnaround are very slim. The cyclical nature of abuse can be mentally exhausting and keep you tethered to a destructive relationship. This cycle can be likened to a gambler constantly pulling the lever of a slot machine, hoping the next pull will be the jackpot. Except, in this case, the stakes are your emotional well-being and possibly your safety. The cycle reinforces itself by capitalizing on hope—the hope that the abuser will change, that they didn't really mean it, that things will get better. This is often just a mirage. The pattern tends to repeat itself until decisive action is taken to break it. Breaking free from this cycle requires monumental strength and often, external help. Whether it's confiding in a trusted friend, seeking professional counseling, or considering separation, decisive action is needed to disrupt the cycle. Understanding the Abuser's Mindset As baffling and paradoxical as it might seem, your boyfriend may not even be aware of the depth of harm he's causing. To understand verbal abuse, you must, unfortunately, delve into the mind of the abuser. However, remember that understanding doesn't equate to justifying. For some abusers, the act of belittling another is a coping mechanism for their insecurities. For others, it's a learned behavior, perhaps something they witnessed in their own homes growing up. Yet, some just find a perverse satisfaction in controlling their partner. In his work, Dr. Bancroft outlines that abusers often see themselves as the victim, rationalizing their actions as reactions to their partner's behavior. According to them, you "made them" yell or call you names. This self-victimization is a shield they hide behind to justify their actions. It's crucial to remember that no matter the root cause of their behavior, it does not excuse it. Understanding the why can perhaps offer some context, but it does not make the abuse okay. Nor is it your job to 'fix' them; only they can do that, and only if they choose to acknowledge their behavior as abusive. Even with therapy and treatment, the sad reality is that many abusers don't change. So, if you're waiting for that moment when your boyfriend has an epiphany and turns over a new leaf, you may be waiting indefinitely. The only mindset you can control is your own. By understanding your boyfriend's abusive tendencies, you're better equipped to make an informed decision about your relationship. Empower yourself with knowledge, but don't feel compelled to solve the unsolvable. When Friends and Family Can't See It One of the most frustrating scenarios when facing verbal abuse is when your friends and family can't, or won't, see what's happening. Oftentimes, abusers are skilled actors in social settings, charming your circle of friends and even winning over your family. This creates an added layer of complexity, as you may feel increasingly isolated in your experience. The inability of others to recognize the abuse you're going through can lead to second-guessing yourself. You might even start to wonder, "Am I exaggerating?" or "Maybe it's not that bad?" Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Don't let the external validations—or lack thereof—dictate your reality. It's also important to remember that people outside the relationship only see what they're allowed to see. If your boyfriend is verbally abusive, chances are he's also good at managing impressions. You should not mistake other people's blindness for your imagined exaggerations. If you're trying to discuss the situation and finding resistance, consider turning to experts or educational materials. Sometimes, third-party perspectives can help validate your experience. Share articles, studies, or even reach out to counselors who can offer professional opinions that may help enlighten your loved ones. If despite all your efforts, your friends and family still don't understand, it might be time to reconsider your support network. The people who truly care about you should be the ones encouraging your well-being, not doubting it. This might be a tough pill to swallow, but remember, you're doing it for yourself. What you're going through is too significant to be trivialized by others' inability to see it. Your emotional health matters, and if you're not receiving the support you need, don't hesitate to look elsewhere or speak to professionals who understand the gravity of your situation. Ways to Protect Yourself: Building Emotional Resilience Living with verbal abuse can be mentally and emotionally draining. However, there are ways to build emotional resilience while you assess your options. Think of this as emotional armor; it won't make the arrows less sharp, but it can help them do less damage. Firstly, limit your exposure. If possible, physically remove yourself from the situation when your boyfriend becomes verbally abusive. Even a short break from the toxic environment can provide a much-needed respite for your mind. Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to help you remain anchored in your own reality, especially when your boyfriend tries to gaslight you. Techniques like deep breathing, focusing on sensory experiences, or keeping a journal can be instrumental. Developing a support network outside of your abusive relationship is crucial. You need to have people who remind you of your worth and validate your experiences. This can be a mix of trusted friends, family, or online communities that specialize in supporting abuse victims. If things get really tough, consider confiding in a professional. Therapists can provide coping mechanisms tailored specifically for you. They can also offer a neutral perspective that can help you gauge the severity of your situation objectively. Lastly, always have a quick exit strategy. Know which friend you can call at any time, or where you can go to escape—even if it's just for a few hours. The objective here is not just physical safety, but also emotional refuge. Always prioritize your well-being above all else. When to Seek Professional Help Deciding to seek professional help is a significant and often difficult step. There's often a societal stigma around therapy and counseling, but remember, you're doing this for you, not for anyone else's approval. One indicator that it's time for professional help is when the verbal abuse starts affecting your day-to-day life. If you find yourself constantly anxious, stressed, or walking on eggshells around your boyfriend, it's time to talk to someone who can help. Another sign is isolation. If you find that you're increasingly isolating yourself from friends and family because of the relationship, take that as a red flag. Isolation is a tactic often used by abusers to gain more control over their victims. Professionals are trained to handle situations like yours with sensitivity and confidentiality. They can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, your options, and even provide strategies for dealing with verbal abuse. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to be effective in treating the emotional trauma stemming from abuse. If your therapist suggests it, be open to the idea. It's structured, time-bound, and can give you practical coping mechanisms. In extreme cases, medication might be recommended to manage symptoms of anxiety or depression that often accompany abusive relationships. While medication is not a long-term solution to the problem, it can make the immediate circumstances more bearable. At the end of the day, the most important thing is your well-being. If you're not well, emotionally or mentally, it becomes harder to make rational decisions about your life and your relationship. Seeking professional help could be your first step towards reclaiming your life. Signs You Should Break It Off: The Point of No Return While it's natural to hope for change and improvement, sometimes a relationship reaches a point where it's no longer salvageable. Recognizing this "point of no return" is crucial for your mental and emotional health. But how do you know you've reached this stage? If your boyfriend's verbal abuse has escalated to a point where you fear for your safety, it's definitely time to break it off. Physical violence often starts with verbal abuse, so don't dismiss the gravity of your situation. Another indicator is when the abuse begins affecting other areas of your life—your job performance, relationships with family and friends, or even your physical health. When the negative impacts of the relationship bleed into every aspect of your life, it's time to seriously consider ending it. Also, think about the future. Can you envision a life of happiness and fulfillment with your current boyfriend, given his behavior? If the thought makes you cringe or fills you with dread, that's a telling sign. Listen to your support network. If multiple people who have your best interests at heart express concern, don't dismiss it as meddling. Sometimes, being in an abusive relationship can cloud your judgment, and an outsider's perspective can provide valuable insight. Last but not least, ask yourself: have you done everything you could to address the issue, and has there been any substantial change in your boyfriend's behavior? If the answer is "no," you've probably reached the point of no return. It's hard to accept, but that might be the reality you're facing. A study by the National Domestic Violence Hotline reveals that 74% of all domestic violence victims report having missed at least one day of work due to abuse. This stat alone underscores how pervasive the effects can be on your life. Don't let it get this far; know when to call it quits. Creating an Exit Strategy Exiting an abusive relationship is often easier said than done. It's not just about breaking up; it's also about planning for your immediate future and your safety. The first step in your exit strategy should be to confide in a trusted person about your plans. Financial independence can be a critical factor when planning to leave. Ensure that you have access to funds that your boyfriend can't reach. Open a separate bank account, if necessary. Prepare an "escape bag" that contains all essential documents like your ID, financial records, and any legal papers. Also include some clothes, toiletries, and other immediate necessities. Keep this bag in a safe place where you can grab it quickly. Keep a record of all instances of abuse. This could be screenshots of abusive texts, photos of injuries, or even audio recordings. These can serve as evidence should you need to take legal action. If you share your living space with your boyfriend, research alternative housing options beforehand. This could be a friend's house, a family member's place, or even a women's shelter. Make sure it's a safe and confidential location. Have a communication plan. Once you've broken up, it's crucial to limit communication with your ex. Block them on social media and change your locks if you've lived together. Emotional manipulation doesn't necessarily stop after you've broken up. Be prepared for the “honeymoon phase” after you announce the breakup. Many abusers become temporarily docile and loving in an attempt to lure you back into the relationship. Don't fall for it. Stick to your plan. What Happens After the Breakup? It's a common misconception that once you leave an abusive relationship, the struggle is over. While the immediate threat may be gone, the emotional and psychological impacts can persist. Firstly, expect a range of emotions. Relief, guilt, fear, and even missing your ex are all typical emotions you might experience. That's entirely normal; it doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. Immediately after the breakup, focus on physical safety. If you feel threatened, don't hesitate to contact law enforcement or a legal advocate. Safety should be your utmost priority at this stage. Begin the process of emotional healing. Whether it's through therapy, support groups, or your network of friends and family, you need a safe space to process your feelings and experiences. Be cautious of rebound relationships. The vulnerability you feel may make you susceptible to entering another unhealthy relationship. Take time to heal and understand the red flags you should avoid in the future. Find healthy outlets for your emotions. Whether it's through exercise, writing, or art, you need an emotional release. Channeling your feelings into productive activities can be incredibly therapeutic. Last but not least, don't rush the healing process. Each person's journey to recovery is different; respect your own pace. Emotional wounds take time to heal, and that's perfectly okay. The important thing is that you're making progress, no matter how slow it might seem. Coping Mechanisms and Self-Care Post Breakup The aftermath of a breakup, especially one involving verbal abuse, can be incredibly challenging. First and foremost, give yourself credit for taking the step to leave; that's a significant accomplishment in itself. Now, let's talk about self-care. Therapy is an excellent route for many. Your therapist can provide you with tools to deal with trauma and help you understand that the abuse was not your fault. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), in particular, has been shown to be effective in treating emotional abuse victims. Engaging in physical activities is another form of coping. Exercise releases endorphins, which naturally elevates your mood. It's not about transforming your body; it's about reclaiming your agency over it. Lean on your support system. If you're feeling down, don't isolate yourself. Speak openly about your experiences to trusted friends and family. Support groups, both online and offline, offer a sense of community and understanding that you might not get elsewhere. Mindfulness techniques like meditation can help keep you grounded, especially when you find your thoughts spiraling. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer beginner courses in mindfulness and meditation. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms like excessive drinking, smoking, or other forms of self-harm. While they might offer temporary relief, they can be damaging in the long run and exacerbate your emotional turmoil. Remember, coping is a continuous process. Some days will be harder than others. On those days, don't be too hard on yourself. Recognize that healing isn't linear and give yourself the grace to recover at your own pace. Legal Actions You Can Take If your relationship included any form of abuse, legal steps might offer an additional layer of security and peace of mind. The laws surrounding verbal abuse vary by jurisdiction, but there are generally some measures you can take. A restraining order is the most immediate legal action available. While obtaining one is a bureaucratic process, it can offer you the protection you need. Always consult a lawyer to understand your best course of action in your specific circumstances. Keep all evidence of abuse, as mentioned earlier, for legal proceedings. This could range from texts and emails to voice recordings. Such evidence can be instrumental in making a case against your abuser. If your boyfriend has made explicit threats against you, report them to the police. This could add an additional layer of documentation and protection in your favor. In certain cases, verbal abuse may be categorized as emotional abuse and can warrant legal action. Discuss this with a legal expert to understand if this applies to your situation. Remember, taking legal action is a big step and can be emotionally draining. Ensure you have adequate emotional support—perhaps in the form of counseling—to help you through this challenging period. Lastly, laws are continually evolving, especially surrounding issues of verbal and emotional abuse. Stay updated and consult professionals to make informed decisions. There's a lot at stake, but the aim is to ensure your long-term safety and well-being. Rebuilding Yourself: Steps to a Healthier Future Recovery is more than just moving on; it's about rebuilding yourself stronger than before. The first step towards this is acknowledging your worth, which your abuser likely eroded. Set new boundaries in relationships moving forward. You've learned painful but valuable lessons about what you're not willing to tolerate. Make those your new guidelines. Consider taking up a new hobby or skill. It may sound cliché, but learning something new can be a powerful symbol of your freedom and a great confidence booster. Think about your career and personal goals. With the abuse behind you, this is the time to refocus on what you want for your future. Create a vision board, write in a journal, or discuss your aspirations with friends and family. Don't rush into a new relationship. You're still in the healing process, and that's okay. The most important relationship you have is with yourself, so focus on that. As you rebuild, keep in mind that you are not defined by your past or by someone else's actions against you. You are your own person with your own worth, deserving of love and respect. If you find yourself struggling, go back to your support system or seek professional help. There's no shame in asking for help; it's a sign of strength and a step towards a healthier future. Recommended Resources "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse" by Shannon Thomas
  6. Hello everyone! First, english is not my mother language so please forgive me if I am not correct in everything. I write you a story which has started about 7 years ago. I was a student at a University with medical studies. I was in college/dorm. My roommate came from another neighbour country. We became friends. He told me that next year a girl will join with us because she had a passive year. He told that she is very kind and they are good friends. Oh OK I told him. Then next year she joined. She was clever, and very kind, we started to talk it was good times. Then after 2-3 months she started to teasing me with words or with physical things (for example she poked my armpit with her fingers). At first I thought it is just joking and she is just want to be funny. With time these things have become more common. (I almost forget to tell you she had a boyfriend) So I told her that please stop these things beacuse it is too much for me now. She didn’t care and she became angrier. I told my rommate how she behaves with me. He told me that yeah she has a strong personality. Ok I accepted but she teased me more. I started to make a distance not to tease me. It was useful for 2 months. But then she continued to tease me. One day during a lecture she sat next to me and we talked. She told me she likes the girl on top position. I said OK I see. Then I write my notes while she grabbed a little knife from her bag and put i ton my neck! I noticed this and started to fight with her. I succesfully reached that put that knife away from me. Then I asked her why she did it. She told me she was curious the feeling to do this. I was angry at her I told her to stop to intimidate me. She told me that she will leave me in peace. For a couple of months she left me in peace. After that during a lecture we started to talk again. I told her that she is mentally ill because of these things she committed. Then I told her an example the movie „Gone Girl” from 2014. She then told me that when I least expect it in the future she will come back to my life and she will be sexually agressive with me or something like that. I don’t know exactly because I interrupted her and told her that enough this is bull***. She then stayed silent. After a couple of months during an english lecture. One of my classmate asked the teacher of the meaning of the word „threatining” I read something else so I barely noticed. I just had a strange feeling and I looked up and I saw that she started to stop to stare me but out of the corner of her eye she noticed that I looked up at her. Then she smiled wickedly and I knew what she mean. She threatened me earlier. I thought she forgot this talking because I forgot, but not she remembered me. After we graduated and we went our separate ways. During this time I also made a friendship with a third person with a woman who was an „old” student classmate and we are still friends. In the end of the University times she saw that I started to make a friendship with this woman. Since then she sometimes talks with her beacuse this woman told me they write messages sometimes. It is trange to me but maybe I am the paranoid. Since then she has a new boyfriend and their relationship looks serious I don’t know I just saw some facebook pictures. They are not married or no kids but it is about a 4 years old relationship. I had two girlfriends since then. Now I don’t have a girlfriend. Now I need to move away to that city where she works beacuse I will work in that city too. Should I worry about her threat or not? Life is strange sometimes. Thank you in advance for your help!
  7. The Devastating Reality of Domestic Violence Domestic violence, an insidious enemy lurking in countless homes worldwide, wreaks havoc not only on the physical body but also on the mind and spirit. It is an escalating pattern of coercive behaviors that can include physical, psychological, sexual, economic, and emotional abuse, perpetrated by one person against their intimate partner. The World Health Organization reports that one in three women worldwide has experienced physical and/or sexual violence by an intimate partner or non-partner sexual violence. This alarming statistic underscores the severity of the issue and the need for effective interventions. Victims often feel isolated, trapped, and powerless, their voices drowned in a sea of fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Yet, in the midst of such darkness, there is a beacon of hope: domestic violence counseling. This form of therapy is designed to help victims reclaim their lives, rebuild their self-esteem, and initiate their journey towards healing and recovery. 1. The Crucial Role of Domestic Violence Counseling Domestic violence counseling plays a critical role in empowering victims, guiding them out of the crippling labyrinth of fear and abuse. It offers them a safe space to share their experiences, validates their feelings, and helps them develop strategies to break the cycle of violence. Counselors are trained to understand the complex dynamics of abusive relationships and are equipped with tools to address the unique challenges victims face. A study in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that victims of domestic violence who received counseling services reported less distress, improved self-esteem, and better overall mental health compared to those who did not receive these services. The effectiveness of counseling extends beyond the individual, positively impacting families and communities. It helps break the intergenerational cycle of violence, fostering healthier relationships and safer environments. 2. Understanding the Different Types of Domestic Violence Counseling Domestic violence counseling is not a one-size-fits-all solution. There are different types of counseling, each designed to meet specific needs. Understanding these different types can help victims and their loved ones make informed decisions about their recovery journey. Individual Counseling: This one-on-one counseling provides a safe, confidential environment for victims to express their feelings, fears, and hopes. The counselor can offer personalized strategies to cope with trauma, rebuild self-esteem, and plan for a safer future. Group Counseling: Group counseling brings together victims of domestic violence, offering them a platform to share their experiences and support each other. It helps victims realize they are not alone, fostering a sense of community and shared resilience. Couples Counseling: This form of counseling involves both partners and aims to address the issues causing violence. However, it is crucial to note that couples counseling should only be considered when there is no immediate risk of violence, as it can potentially increase the danger to the victim. 3. Choosing the Right Domestic Violence Counselor Selecting the right domestic violence counselor is a pivotal step in a victim's healing journey. It's crucial to find a counselor who is experienced in dealing with domestic violence issues, understands the complex dynamics of abusive relationships, and can provide a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental environment. Qualifications matter, but so does the counselor's approach and attitude. The counselor should be empathetic, patient, and respectful, creating an environment where the victim feels comfortable sharing their experiences and feelings. A good counselor empowers victims, guiding them towards reclaiming their self-esteem and autonomy. The American Psychological Association recommends seeking counselors who use evidence-based approaches to treatment, as they are proven to be effective in addressing the psychological effects of domestic violence. These can include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). 4. The Therapeutic Process: What to Expect in Domestic Violence Counseling The therapeutic process in domestic violence counseling can be broken down into several key stages. Understanding these stages can help victims navigate their therapy journey more effectively. Establishing Trust: Building trust with a counselor is the first, crucial step. Counselors create a supportive environment, assuring victims that they are heard, believed, and not judged. It's a slow process, but it's essential for meaningful progress. Assessment: This stage involves the counselor gathering information about the victim's experiences and symptoms. The counselor uses this information to develop a comprehensive understanding of the victim's situation and tailor the treatment accordingly. Planning: The counselor and the victim collaboratively set therapeutic goals and plan the course of therapy. This stage empowers victims, enabling them to play an active role in their recovery. Intervention: In this stage, the counselor uses various therapeutic techniques to address the victim's issues. This could include helping the victim manage their trauma symptoms, rebuild their self-esteem, or develop safety plans. Follow-up: Regular follow-up sessions are crucial to monitor progress, address any emerging issues, and adjust the treatment plan as needed. They also provide ongoing support and reassurance to the victim. 5. The Challenges of Domestic Violence Counseling and Overcoming Them Domestic violence counseling, while a powerful tool, is not without its challenges. Understanding these challenges can help victims and their loved ones be better prepared and more resilient. One of the most significant challenges is the societal stigma associated with domestic violence. This stigma often prevents victims from seeking help, as they fear judgement, blame, and rejection. To overcome this, communities need to foster an environment of understanding and support, emphasizing that victims are not at fault. Another challenge is the fear of retaliation from the abusive partner. This fear can deter victims from seeking help, as they worry their actions could escalate the violence. In such cases, safety planning becomes crucial, helping victims navigate their situations more safely. Financial barriers can also hinder access to counseling. Many victims are financially dependent on their abusive partners, making it difficult for them to afford counseling services. To address this, there are several organizations that provide free or low-cost services, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the United States. 6. The Road to Recovery: Beyond Domestic Violence Counseling The journey of healing from domestic violence is a long and challenging one, extending far beyond the counseling sessions. However, with the right resources and support, victims can rebuild their lives and emerge stronger than before. Support groups can play a pivotal role in a victim's recovery, providing a sense of community, mutual understanding, and shared resilience. They offer a platform for victims to share their experiences, learn from others, and gain emotional support. Additionally, building a robust support network of family and friends can significantly aid the recovery process. These individuals can provide emotional support, practical assistance, and a sense of security. Self-care is another key element of recovery. This includes eating a balanced diet, getting regular exercise, ensuring sufficient sleep, and engaging in relaxation techniques such as mindfulness or yoga. Such activities can help victims cope with stress, boost their mood, and improve their overall wellbeing. Lastly, empowering oneself through education and awareness can be incredibly beneficial. Understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships, recognizing the signs of abuse, and knowing one's rights and resources can equip victims to better handle their situations and make informed decisions. Domestic violence counseling is an essential tool that empowers victims, guiding them out of the dark abyss of abuse and towards the light of recovery. While the journey is undoubtedly difficult, with the right support and resources, victims can reclaim their lives and redefine their future. Remember, help is always available, and it's never too late to seek it. 7. The Impact of Domestic Violence Counseling on Families Domestic violence is not just an individual issue, it reverberates through entire families, causing lasting harm. Consequently, domestic violence counseling often involves an essential family component, aimed at healing and strengthening these fractured relationships. Children, who may either be direct victims or witnesses of violence, are particularly vulnerable. Research suggests that exposure to domestic violence can lead to a wide array of emotional and behavioral problems in children. This includes increased anxiety, depression, aggression, and difficulties in school. Through counseling, children can begin to process their traumatic experiences, develop coping strategies, and learn healthier ways of relating to others. It can also help them understand that violence is not a normative or acceptable behavior. Furthermore, counseling can help non-abusive parents understand the impact of violence on their children and learn how to effectively support them. This is crucial in re-establishing a safe and nurturing environment for the child. It's important to note that family counseling should only be considered when the safety of all family members can be ensured. In some cases, involving the abusive partner in family therapy may not be advisable due to the risk of further harm. The inclusion of family in domestic violence counseling can promote healthier dynamics, help children adjust, and contribute to the holistic healing of the family unit. While the road to recovery may be challenging, with comprehensive family counseling, it is indeed possible to reconstruct a healthy, safe, and loving family environment post-domestic violence. 8. The Role of Community in Domestic Violence Counseling Communities play an integral role in combating domestic violence and supporting survivors. They are the first line of defense, capable of fostering a culture that neither tolerates nor perpetuates domestic violence. Communities can support domestic violence counseling in various ways. They can facilitate access to resources, spread awareness about the issue, challenge victim-blaming attitudes, and advocate for victim's rights. They can also create safe spaces for victims, where they can share their experiences, gain mutual support, and find solidarity. These spaces can significantly enhance the effectiveness of counseling by providing continuous support and validation. However, it's crucial for communities to be informed about the complexities of domestic violence, so they can effectively support victims. This includes understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships, recognizing signs of abuse, and knowing how to respond appropriately. Community-based workshops, seminars, and training can help achieve this, promoting a more empathetic and effective community response to domestic violence. A supportive community can make a world of difference in a victim's journey towards healing. It not only enhances the effectiveness of counseling but also plays a critical role in preventing domestic violence and creating safer, more respectful societies. Ultimately, it is the collective responsibility of communities to take a stand against domestic violence and support those affected by it. 9. Empowerment and Self-Advocacy in Domestic Violence Counseling One of the most profound impacts of domestic violence is the sense of powerlessness that victims often experience. Domestic violence counseling aims to counteract this by fostering empowerment and self-advocacy. Empowerment in this context refers to the process of regaining one's sense of control, self-worth, and ability to make decisions. This is crucial in helping victims break free from the cycle of violence and regain their independence. Counselors facilitate empowerment by helping victims recognize their strengths, develop self-efficacy, and build resilience. They also assist victims in setting and achieving realistic goals, which can further enhance their sense of empowerment. Self-advocacy involves standing up for one's rights, expressing one's needs and concerns, and making informed decisions. In domestic violence situations, this is crucial for victims to navigate the various systems they may interact with, such as legal, healthcare, and social services. Counselors aid in fostering self-advocacy by providing information, enhancing communication skills, and supporting victims in their interactions with these systems. Empowerment and self-advocacy are key outcomes of domestic violence counseling. They not only help victims recover from their trauma but also equip them with the tools to rebuild their lives and prevent future abuse. While the journey towards empowerment and self-advocacy can be challenging, it is an integral part of healing and recovery. And with the right support, every victim has the potential to become a strong, self-advocating survivor. 10. The Importance of Culturally Sensitive Domestic Violence Counseling Domestic violence affects individuals across all cultures and societies. However, cultural beliefs, norms, and values can significantly impact how victims perceive and respond to domestic violence. Thus, culturally sensitive counseling is paramount. Culturally sensitive counseling respects and acknowledges the cultural identities of victims. Counselors with cultural sensitivity are aware of their own cultural biases, understand the cultural context of their clients, and adapt their counseling techniques accordingly. This approach can improve the therapeutic alliance, enhance the effectiveness of counseling, and increase client satisfaction. For instance, in cultures where collectivism is valued over individualism, counselors might involve the victim's support network in the counseling process. However, it's essential that culturally sensitive counseling does not justify or perpetuate harmful cultural practices related to domestic violence. It should aim to challenge these practices while respecting the victim's cultural identity. Culturally sensitive counseling is a crucial element of effective domestic violence counseling. It ensures that every victim, regardless of their cultural background, is treated with respect, understanding, and dignity. By acknowledging and incorporating cultural nuances, counselors can provide truly inclusive, personalized, and effective treatment to all victims of domestic violence. 11. Safety Planning in Domestic Violence Counseling Safety planning is a critical aspect of domestic violence counseling. It involves developing a personalized, practical plan that can help victims avoid dangerous situations and ensure their safety. A safety plan takes into consideration various factors, including the victim's specific circumstances, the nature of the abuse, and the resources available to them. It can include strategies for leaving an abusive situation, staying safe while still in the relationship, and maintaining safety after leaving the abuser. Counselors play a pivotal role in creating safety plans. They guide victims through the process, help them identify potential risks, and explore various options. Counselors also ensure that the plan is realistic, practical, and respects the victim's decisions and autonomy. It's important to remember that safety planning is an ongoing process. As situations change, the safety plan needs to be reviewed and updated. Regular follow-ups with the counselor can help keep the plan relevant and effective. In essence, a well-crafted safety plan can provide victims with a sense of control and security. It equips them with the knowledge and resources to protect themselves and their loved ones from further harm. Whether you're a victim, a friend, or a family member of a victim, understanding safety planning can be a life-saving tool in the face of domestic violence. 12. The Future of Domestic Violence Counseling: Innovations and Trends As the field of psychology evolves, so too does the approach to domestic violence counseling. Innovations and trends in the field aim to enhance the effectiveness of counseling and provide more accessible support to victims. One such trend is the increasing use of technology in counseling. Online counseling services, for instance, have made therapy more accessible to victims who may be unable to attend in-person sessions due to distance, mobility issues, or safety concerns. Such services can also provide victims with immediate support when they need it most. Another trend is the development of integrated counseling models, which aim to address the multiple issues that victims often face, such as mental health disorders, substance abuse, and homelessness. These models recognize the interconnectedness of these issues and aim to provide comprehensive, holistic support. Finally, there is a growing recognition of the need for trauma-informed counseling. This approach recognizes the pervasive impact of trauma on victims and aims to provide therapy in a way that avoids re-traumatization and fosters healing. While these trends offer promising advancements, it's crucial to continue research and innovation in the field. Domestic violence is a complex, pervasive issue, and our response to it must be equally nuanced and comprehensive. As we look towards the future, the hope is that these developments will lead to more effective, accessible, and empathetic domestic violence counseling, and ultimately, a world free of domestic violence.
  8. Me & my ex was together for 3 years , during that time it was perfect in the beginning but I'm ngl I had a pill habit & when I tried to go into a year long rehab the first time she just switched up on me.i left after 3 days & she wasn't happy to see me she was drunk out all night acting different.she treated me like SH*T!! She would tell me she loves me & love balm me but then disappear for weeks barely text back then come back home love balm me again sleep, eat ,get treated like a princess then do the same thing all over again.long story short she ended up pregnant. convinced me to be around & accept the baby, the baby was born still born(dead).She was never the same.Then on new years she just went out and started her bull crap again.tellin me she loves me lying about her wear abouts getting drunk all day being in guys cars & being half naked twerking on social media she's a real exotic looking girl so she gets ALOT of attention. She would always play w/ my head while I'm sitting at home crying in the dark watching every single thing she post online, she would post about guys & then tell me to my face she posted it "just to post it" or "to get me mad" & I was the only person she loves she just needed space . I finally went into rehab to get myself together ,promised I wouldnt talk to her ever again & didn't tell her anything just disappeared..she started harassing my family & they would tell me whenever I called home.i finally called her to tell her I'm fine and to leave me alone & she said how torn she was without me.she started sending me money & saying how she's happy for me & wants to be together when I get out.i knew it was a bad idea & she wouldn't change. When I got out she was acting so perfect & trying to be home everyday but I knew it was an act & it was probably because she was all burned out from drinking & wanted someone to provide for her and take care of her like a princess until she's ready to hit the streets again. So I left after 2 days and she was blowing me up saying she cooked something special for me & etc I just ignored it.we start talking again & she says she doesn't speak to anyone but has a stalker she slept w once & he stalks her everywhere she goes. We would stay in a hotel for 2/3 weeks then she would disappear but i wouldn't care because I was focusing on myself even tho apart of me was hurt that she didn't want to be committed even after I got clean. So we kept seeing eachother off & on.then one day I go to pick her up & as she's walking to the car saying "babeeee" a guy pops out from behind a car and says"babe? Oh yeah b*tch" ,so I'm thinking this must be the stalker.. he starts chasing my car and I'm laughing at him then he goes to smack her & attack her..they walk off & go upstairs to her sister house. I stick around to make sure everything's ok.i see him walking & I'm like "ur that crazy after just f*ckin one time d*mn" & he replies "one time? I'm w that b*tch everyday she's pregnant w/ my baby right now" so I'm like ***.. he gets in my car and saying drive I'm like no ,so he can attack me plus he was staring at my chain..so she comes down w/ her sister and she's like get out my n*ggas car and the police show up.i said ur pregnant? & She says no I lied to get abortion money from him. Her sister is like"this is her baby father" to the police and she was confused to see me.i told her don't lock him up & we left. she stayed w me and was saying she loves me & he means nothing. & She's not pregnant.long story short I found her texting him & wrote him, he sent me baby shower invites & videos of them together showing her belly happy to be together. I showed her and said u lied? She goes "that's none of your business if I'm pregnant leave me tf alone". So I left after a big fight. She starts constantly texting me everyday saying she made a mistake I'm the love of her life & she will get an abortion.she did.i still didnt talk to her for weeks.finally I started back talking to her & everything seemed fine.he writes me and says are u with her because she disappeared on him, I said yes ya been talking again? He says yes she was with me all these weeks. So we break up again.long story short we get back together and she says she pregnant BUT THE BABY ISNT HIS and I get mad and she immediately starts texting him. At the same time I'm texting him because he's trying to befriend me, & telling him how I'm mad at her & leaving our home for good packing my things & he's like "yea I haven't been talking to her & I'm arguing with my ex so I'm going to bring my other b*tch to her job to get her mad" .. I get off work the next day and she's gone , moving weird not texting me, whole time she's texting him & I find out months later she was the girl he was bringing to his ex's job & was using me to find out if me & her was on good terms. So he kept trying to hang out with me, so we finally hung out , he was saying how he doesn't care for her he only uses her for sex and money but the entire time he kept checking her Instagram & posting with other girls to get her mad, also we were staying at her sister house. We started comparing our messages with her and saw she would tell us both the same thing at the same times & when she would disappear on both of us she was going to the other one. Me and her finally spoke on the phone and I some how told her what me & him was up too & she was FURIOUS.She started arguing with me him and his sister and was telling him how she wants to be with me and doesn't want him & the baby isn't his & etc. So we start talking AGAIN(WHILE SHES PREGNANT) & she's telling me it isn't his.but the whole time we together she seems off like she really wanted him & now she's pregnant she wants to be w him & is confused. So he stops talking to me I guess getting mad she keeps coming back to me and tired of me.she starts moving weird and saying she has an appointment and she'll be back even tho she said she wanted me to go w her the day before. She starts ignoring me and showing him so much attention on social media "I love my baby father he's so sexy I'm so obsessed" I tell her I knew she was with him and she blocks me everywhere telling him she only told me he isn't the dad to keep me around because I treat her nice and he treats her bad.i accepted the fact they started a new life. After around 2 months she starts texting me saying she made a mistake writing paragraphs but I would never answer.i would check her TikTok from an unblocked page I had and she would be crying saying he's treating her bad and sleeps with other women kept going back to his ex that he calls his wife and is disrespecting her while pregnant. He got evicted out of his house & they were no longer living together. Around 6 months later she calls me crying saying he's been beating her and cheating and punched her in the stomach trying to kill the baby. Stays with me for 2 months, trying to find apartments with me planning a future tells me he doesn't want me around the baby he hates me and he said he treated her this way while pregnant because all the stuff she did to him with me ,& really likes her in the beginning & could never trust her again.i get into her face book and see she's been telling him she hasn't been talking to anyone he's making sure she hasn't been with me saying they love eachother planning to go down south with his family and raise the baby and basically they can't be together because they have no house to be in. she changes her password so I know she knows I saw it.i hide this info from her still and go to Atlanta while she babysits my house.while in atlanta I tell her what I saw and she says she talks to him that way to keep him calm so he doesn't flip out , and I texted him telling him everything & how his child will be safe with me plus how she is still saying he isn't the dad and he was acting like he hates me saying "I'm her baby father we're stuck for life give it a rest she will always come back to me" & how he left his wife alone so he can focus on his child and she can't have a reason to keep him from his kid & he doesn't want me around the baby & it's always drama. So I knew I can never be an adult with him and talk to him again.she screams at me thru text and writes a paragraph as if she was going to screenshot it to him saying I'm trying to ruin their family and etc & then began being nice to me again.they kept arguing. Finally the baby was born and even tho she said he wouldn't be in the room he was there and she was treating me so different texting extremely late, said she would facetime me the entire time but wouldn't answer my calls,but was still planning a future with me sending me photos of rings even tho she would answer like once a day. So I started replying back hours later and she gets mad & says" ur mad he's here to watch his baby born Idk what to tell u or u can just leave me alone I don't need this I'm in labor & etc, I told her I will drop her cat off to Her dad and we never spoke again. I wrote her about 10 days later asking her why did she sign me out of her Hulu account i paid for and she said she didn't with attitude. I knew she was around him..So I said "are u mad at me? She says no I just didn't like what u did by writing him blah blah that's how I knew he got into her head and she was with him I just didn't know how they were together if he was homeless and her mom doesn't let any guys in the house EVER. AND then she starts telling me she wants to see me and a bunch of bull crap & she's Going thru post partum. Then I write her "are u feeling better?" She never answers .. so I said I will leave u alone for good, goodbye & she says please don't it's not me , so she says if I choose u will u accept my baby n etc & I say why are u asking this? Because you've been thinking who to chose she says yes because I see he's getting serious now that the baby is here and everytime I think of my future I think of us and when u text me about Hulu I got the old feelings back and he saw u text me and got mad & said he has his ex wife blocked and I'm still texting u and she told him well I didn't tell u block her and he says it's the principal and started treating her mean.he saw her texting me again and said I'm going to text my ex now and she said she would have a talk w him & they agreed they would both go back to their ex's. Now the next day she's leaving to come to my house & he pops out of nowhere and says"where tf u think u taking my daughter" and when she tried to stop him he says let her go before I punch u in the face b*tch & she didn't want to squeeze a 2 week old baby hard so she let the baby go. I knew it was something because she wasn't respond .she was chasing him in the street while he's holding the baby and she's pushing the stroller I said he wants her so bad let him take her and u come and she was HYSTERICAL, CRYING SAYING IDK WHERE MY BABY IS IM SCARED.. AND Im like if u was that scared u would've called the police .. and she was telling me how he's getting serious and saying she can sleep w random men but can't talk to me and I'm like that's because he knows u love me and wants to control u .if u get serious with anyone else he will do the same thing. So he sent a photo saying he left the baby in the streets and to find her and was screaming on the phone she cannot be with me and shes like but why i thought u was going back to ur ex and he said because it's always drama and whenever ya argue she text me and I don't want her texting me. I said that's a lie hes afraid to say he wants u to himself first it was he doesn't want me around the baby now the baby isn't around and it's still a problem. So he's saying he left the baby in the precinct then he has a girl answer his phone taunting her saying the baby in the precinct .so she starts telling him she loves him and doesn't want to fight "just to find out where he is" she's telling me how this is crazy and she will never talk to him again. I tell her just go home and wait for him & she said when he brings her she will have the police escort her to a taxi to my house,telling me she wants to get married and loves me and planning so much stuff with me. He brings the baby the next morning.she says" ok we're going to custody court on Monday we worked out an agreement & he's going to stay here for a couple hours w the baby" I said he just had the baby *** why does he need to stay & I thought ur dad doesn't let anyone spend the night she's like " what's the problem he wants to spend time with his child I'm not doing this with u" & I leave her there.. I tried calling her she kept declining it then turned her phone off , then I started calling back to back she blocks me then had answered it but had it on mute so i know he told her to answer it and see who is calling her.then had him answer the phone so I had my brother get on & she's like why are u doing this I know it's u stop calling me I'm spending time with my baby leave me alone. I was angry so I called her back to back private just to annoy her & she Kept turning her phone off. She lied and said he can't spend the night but he's been there all these days ,she disrespected me & talked about me Infront of him making it seem like I don't want him around his kid to stroke his ego & I know she's talking so bad about me trying to make me seem delusional and she doesn't want me. I stopped calling yesterday and will let her be.but I know for a fact she will soon contact me and try to say she wanted to keep him calm so he doesn't flip out or try to kidnap her kid again. I have no idea what to do.the plan was for her to runaway to my house since he doesn't know where i live then go to custody court but i was afraid he would get the baby and then taunt her.hes always pretending he doesn't love her and only around her for the baby and he loves his ex but I know that he loves her and it's all a front and he wants her to himself especially since the baby is here and he's so In love but I feel like it's a tactic to have somewhere to stay & to be able to control her every move now that he has a kid with her. Its SOOO STRESSFULL, I Can't get anything done,everyone around me tells me to leave her but I just can't..I find no interest in anyone else Im just so attached to her & she started a new life .I can go a couple weeks without talking to her but I will think of her every minute ,over thinking about what their doing hows their life going ,how they will end up, I literally be spaced out thinking.its so draining and depressing ,i know i should leave but it's hard when she keeps coming back.and I have a feeling this time she won't come back because she finally got the baby she always wanted and he gave it to her & he's finally acting like a boyfriend even tho they always say"they're not in a relationship" that's a tactic she uses "if we don't sit down and say we in a relationship then we not" & I always tell her but u move and act like ur in a relationship with people and get mad when they get mad at u for cheating. She says she knows she can't be faithful to him and everytime she looks at him she thinks of how he treated her while pregnant.but I know she only tells me the bad and not the good.iknow she wants to be with him but doesn't want to let me go and at this point I might share her but I know he will never allow that smh..I've read up on narcissist & I swear she's one..im a lesbian btw😔
  9. Dear eNotAlone: My life is crumbling around me and I'm desperately seeking advice. It all started when my best friend's mother died of cancer a few months ago. He was so devastated at the time that he pushed everybody away. A while later, he confided in me that he had been in an abusive relationship with his girlfriend since they started dating nearly three years ago. He said that it was the abuse that drove him to be so insensitive to those around him and to push them away because he was so hurt that he couldn't bring himself to trust anyone again. Now there's an even bigger problem—I recently found out that his girlfriend has cheated on him multiple times, and he doesn't even know. It's killing me not to tell him, because he deserves to know the truth, but I am absolutely terrified of the consequences. The thing is, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me the entire story of why their relationship is so complicated and why it has reached this point. He told me bits and pieces, but he obviously didn't feel comfortable telling me the whole story, and I'm scared that if I tell him what I know he'll never speak to me again. I don't want to lose my best friend, but right now it feels like I'm faced with a seriously difficult dilemma—whether to tell him or not and risk our friendship. What should I do? Please help me. - Andy * * * Dear Andy, It sounds like you are in a difficult situation and it must be incredibly heartbreaking for you to have to witness your best friend's suffering first hand. Although it can be tempting to want to protect him from any harm and shield him from the painful truth, it is important to remind yourself that he ultimately deserves to know the truth. It is understandable that you may be apprehensive about revealing such sensitive information due to the risk of damaging your friendship, however it is likely that, as your best friend, he would also value your honest opinion and appreciate that you care enough to look out for his best interests, even when it is not easy. The best thing that you can do is to approach him in a compassionate and understanding manner, without making accusations or making him feel like he is being judged. Put yourself in his shoes and try to see the situation from his perspective. You can let him know that you care about him and his feelings by expressing concern for him, rather than stating a fact. It is important to find the right balance between being honest and understanding. Although it can be difficult to tell someone the difficult truth, it is ultimately the right thing to do for someone who you care about and want the best for.
  10. No one deserves to be the victim of any form of abuse. It can take a monumental toll on its victims, both physically and mentally. As difficult as it might seem to imagine, amazing changes can happen for those who have experienced abuse and it is possible to find joy and happiness once again. Trying to move past the trauma of abuse takes enormous strength and courage, especially when healing is a journey full of unexpected setbacks. It helps to be surrounded by a supportive group of individuals who understand what you are going through and accept that recovery won't necessarily follow a linear path. Forward progress comes with victories — big and small. Look for a therapist who can help provide structure and guidance that encourages psychological well-being and discovering your true self. Once the journey toward healing begins, it's natural but important to become aware of the triggers that can cause you to regress in your progress. While some triggers are obvious, such as a particular individual or settings that can send you back to feelings of fear, other triggers may not be so evident. It's beneficial to keep track of how different experiences or situations make you feel. This will also help identify things that bring peace and joy into your life and give insight into what activities could lead to personal growth. Some of the biggest steps for overcoming abuse involve making up for lost time, learning how to build self-confidence and relearning how to trust yourself and others. Interacting authentically with people around you can be a challenge if you've been abused, but it is a very important part of finding joy and happiness again. After establishing healthy relationships with trustworthy people, consider also spending quality time with yourself by focusing on hobbies or interests that bring pleasure. Start small and pick activities that don't overwhelm but do allow you to tap into something positive. When it's time to heal on an emotional level, it helps to learn how to express yourself creatively in quiet moments. Crafting poetry, music or artwork can offer insight, promote dialogue and open an inner sanctuary of restorative thoughts. Healing from abuse is never an easy process, but looking wholeheartedly at it as an opportunity for inner development and personal growth provides freedom from the burden previously placed on oneself from the abuse. You can learn to live with newfound confidence, strength and empowerment as you create a life filled with meaningful relationships and lasting joy. No one expects being a victim of abuse to be easy, but growth in its wake can be beautiful. Building resilience in yourself each day to reclaim control over your own life is worth fighting for. A life full of satisfaction, inner peace and fulfillment is within reach. Choose to reach out, receive support and look forward to the infinite possibilities a happy future has in store.
  11. As if driven by an invisible force and pulled together by unseen strings, you may find yourself inexplicably and intensely in love. The fortunate never have to ask themselves – or anyone else for that matter - whether they are in love or not the answer just seems painfully obvious. For those of us who were not so lucky, we may be dealing with a rare, yet all-too-common affliction – being completely besotted alongside one of life’s biggest slimeballs. When you’re in love you could find yourself justifying questionable behaviour intended solely as means to protect your beloved’s fragile heart and ego. Although, these measures almost always require prolonged and concentrated effort only to fuel a lopsided power dynamic. In this relationship, you take take all the abuse without expecting any kind of recompense. You would rather experience humiliation enhanced by a cocktail of hazy promises than let go of what may, at the end of the day, be nothing more than a pain to chase after. People who find themselves bitten by Cupid’s arrow, discover that their heart can sometimes be blind to the truth and take them straight into a downward spiral. One of sure signs that you may be infatuated with a substandard suitor is your tendency to dramatise every conversation, always giving too much power to the emotions you feel deep inside. No matter how many times you tell yourself to decline certain invitations, something keeps pushing you forward until eventually you give in to their advances. They might offer you the illusory hope of heightened happiness, but in reality they are likely to keep ferrying you deeper into depression. Furthermore, a classic sign of being in love with the wrong person might include feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment. Usually, when there’s an imbalance of power – and not just in terms of love – self-esteem takes a huge hit. They sometimes go hand-in-hand with a lack of initiative and drive because you've become so accustomed to letting someone else make the decisions. This can be incredibly damaging if left unresolved. Being in the arms of the wrong person can also manifest in numerous physical effects. Your skin loses some of its shine, the way your head aches when you think of them forces you to shut your eyes everyday in a desperate attempt to find reprieve. You can sense something isn’t right in the pit of your stomach when they say something you know is far from true and inevitable feelings of guilt creep up your spine when a blind eye has to be turned in the name of love. It’s important to pay attention to any substantial change in your behaviour. If you find yourself neglecting your own needs then that's your body’s way of screaming out for help. Enduring long hours with someone just for the sake of furthering a possible future isn't exactly healthy. As a reminder, if what you have for someone only causes you unhappiness and frustration then it’s time to step back and take a good look at what’s what. Because if you are in love with a monumental slimeball, the sooner you face up to that truth the better it is for both of you.
  12. In a relationship with a narcissist, there is an imbalance of power, control and sense of worth. A person may feel they are constantly walking on eggshells, struggling to make the other person happy but never able to do so. It is an extremely difficult situation to be in, which can cause lasting psychological damage. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, often pretending to be much more important than they really are. They love to dominate and control conversations. The most important thing to them is always themselves. This can lead to a one-sided relationship where the individual feels completely drained by their partner’s overwhelming need for attention. The narcissist's desire for complete control can lead to extreme situations, such as restriction of movements or control over finances. The individual may be trapped in an endless cycle of manipulation, feeling like they can never win. They may feel like their own needs and wants don't matter or that anything they do is wrong. An individual in a relationship with a narcissist can be dragged into a downward spiral of low self-esteem and depression. As they get constantly berated and belittled by their partner, they may never reach a sense of peace and security. The constant barrage of criticism leaves them feeling inadequate and worthless. The narcissist's lack of empathy can leave their partner feeling neglected and alone. They often treat their partner unfairly and unkindly, never properly validating their feelings. This can create immense emotional pain and distance in the relationship. Over time, individuals who experience this kind of treatment are likely to develop severe trust issues, anxiety, and other psychological problems. Even after leaving the relationship, it could take years to heal from the damage that has been done. When being in a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to remember that no matter what does or does not happen, the individual should try to maintain their sense of identity and self-worth. It is essential to set healthy boundaries and remember that it is possible to change the situation and find peace.
  13. Many of us don’t want to admit that our partner is abusive. But an abusive partner isn’t going to change without effort, and learning how to handle the situation is essential for your mental health and emotional wellbeing. Here are a few steps you can take to break out of an abusive relationship. Firstly, realize that you have the power to push back against abuse. This can be hard, especially if you haven’t been in a healthy relationship before, so it’s important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. If your partner doesn't respect that, then it is time to start prioritizing yourself. Next, ask for help. It’s hard to seek help alone, and a good first step is to find friends or family members who you can trust. Let them know what’s going on and how you’re feeling. Connecting with people who love and care about you will give you the strength to stand up for yourself. Thirdly, create a safety plan. This includes routes of escape, places to stay and finances secured away should you need to leave suddenly. This plan will make leaving easier should you decide the situation has become too dangerous or unhealthy. Knowing you have a way to get out can be a great source of strength and provide feelings of safety when things get rough. Fourthly, reach out to a professional counselor or therapist. Professional help can assist you in ending the relationship if you decide it's time to leave, as well as providing guidance on how to handle the situation without fear of judgment or recrimination. they can provide advice on how best to rebuild your life following a traumatic relationship. Fifth, practice self-care. This is especially important for people in abusive relationships because the abuser wants to instill a sense of inferiority. Rejecting this by consciously taking care of yourself sends a powerful message to the abuser that their attempts at controlling you won’t be successful. Sixth, keep a journal. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be quite cathartic and enable you to better understand the dynamics at play. Whether it’s daily entries or hourly scribbles, having a place to write your thoughts can make you feel more centered and strong. Seventh, remember to trust yourself. Everyone faces different situations and abuse takes many different forms. Know that there is no “one size fits all” solution, and it is okay to make mistakes. As long as you stay true to yourself and what you believe is right, you will be able to make the best decision for yourself Know that you’re not alone. There are plenty of organizations available that offer support and guidance in situations such as this. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help; you will find sympathetic ears and a willingness to help you. Ending an abusive relationship is never easy, but it is possible. Taking small steps to confront your abusive partner, as well as getting help from friends, family or professionals, can go a long way. Remind yourself that you are valuable, capable and entitled to respect, and ultimately have the power to reject abuse.
  14. Whether we are in a close and intimate relationship or trying to form one, each of us has a history. At times, this history may include experiences with trauma, abuse, or victimization that can create a divide between us and our potential partner. As we talk more openly about the damaging psychological effects of abuse, it becomes more important for us to know some successful strategies for dealing with a partner who has a history of trauma or abuse. Having these strategies in mind as a starting point can open up meaningful conversations and help bridge the gap between two people. It helps create a sense of safety and trust which are essential elements of any relationship. Here are some of the most effective strategies to employ when dealing with a partner’s history of trauma or abuse. The first and most important strategy is to understand and respect the difficulty of talking about past experiences of trauma and abuse. Acknowledge the courage it often takes to share such trauma with another person, and enter into your partnership with an open heart and non-judgmental attitude. Be patient and understanding; if your partner is not ready to talk, accept that and offer love and support unconditionally. In addition, create a safe space where your partner can express their feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. Make sure that you’re both aware that this space is only for talking about emotions. Listening without judgement and without the intent to solve but rather the intention to be supportive and understanding of whatever the person is going through. It is also critical to make sure that your relationship is based on respect and equality. Discuss how power dynamics work in relationships and emphasize that your bond is based on mutual respect and consent. The best relationships are those that are grounded in mutual trust, understanding, and communication. Another key factor in dealing with a partner’s history of trauma or abuse is being aware of triggers that may bring up difficult feelings. If a situation does arise that is similar to something in their past, try to allow your partner to take control of the moment by offering them options for how to choose to respond. If need be, provide additional emotional support which could involve offering her physical contact such as a hug or reassuring words. Keep encouraging your partner to seek therapeutic help. Counseling can provide the tools and insights needed to work through trauma and replace it with healthy coping mechanisms. Make sure your partner knows she is never alone, that you’re there to support her and guide her towards healing. Thinking through these strategies and being prepared with how to interact can lay a strong foundation for developing meaningful and healthy relationships with partners who have experienced trauma. Don’t forget that respecting each other’s boundaries, supporting each other through emotional ups and downs, and communicating effectively are all cornerstones of a healthy relationship. With these strategies in hand, we can create relationships full of love and understanding, regardless of our partner’s history.
  15. Relationships can be a source of immense happiness and joy, if two people are truly in love. However, the bliss can become quickly overshadowed if your partner is emotionally abusive. But, how do you know if your partner is being emotionally abusive? Unfortunately, contrary to physical violence, which is an immediately identifiable form of abuse, emotional abuse is subtle and its signs are often difficult to spot. That is why it is often known as the ‘elephant in the room’. Emotional abuse can take many forms—from silent treatment to verbal grave insults. Moreover, where physical violence stops, emotional abuse begins and its effects can last much longer. Typical signs to watch out for are: consistent criticism, belittling, possessiveness, blaming, judging, threatening, ignoring and making a partner feel worthless or bad. It is essential to identify psychologically-abusive behaviour early on and to make sure to have the courage to confront it. Some tips that may help protect yourself from emotionally abusive behaviour includes strengthening your self-esteem and setting boundaries. Firstly, strengthen your self-esteem and self-worth. An emotionally abusive environment pushes us towards low self-worth that often leads to feeling guilty, inadequate and invisible. It is important to remind yourself of your own value and to remember that no one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. That does not include your partner. Find activities that nurture your soul and breathe confidence back into your life. Secondly, setting boundaries is a must. It means that only you get to determine what is suitable or unacceptable behaviour. If a partner crosses the boundaries that have been set, then it is important to address this with them in an assertive way. For example, clearly explaining why such behaviours are not appropriate, how they make you feel and how you want them to be changed. Most importantly, never forget that you should not accept any type of mistreatment—emotional or otherwise. switch off any inner voices telling you otherwise and never justify the predator’s actions, as no abuser is ever the real ‘victim'. It is important to note that if your partner is exhibiting behaviour that makes you feel unsafe in any way, even if it is not classified as physical violence (for example, using intimidation or stalking), then it is wise to contact domestic violence helplines such as 1800 RESPECT or a trusted family member or friend. Don’t let the elephant in the room silently intimidate you—if you feel like something wrong is happening in your relationship, then it probably is. You deserve to be treasured and treated with respect – anything less, is simply not write and won’t do!
  16. My body trembled head to toe as the sound of his voice pierced my ears. His glaring eyes seared straight into me, the silent yet menacing threat that I had no choice but to obey. The venom hung in the air, and I felt my sense of security evaporate as if it were smoke dissipating away among scattered memories of what used to be a lifetime ago. No matter how hard I might have tried, there was no escape - the walls seemed to crumble further away with every step closer I took towards him. I could feel my stomach turn inside out, my heart pounding faster and faster, but I knew nothing I said or did would make any difference. I prayed for an answer, some kind of way out of this ghastly nightmare, yet I was met with a heartless and indefinite silence to which I could no longer bear. My partner was abusing me, and I didn’t know what to do. The abuse can take many forms, and it often begins without warning. It may start with a condescending tone or an off-handed comment that causes you to start questioning your own worth. It can even begin with innocuous gifts that are bought for you to buy your love or make you feel guilty for not being enough. Even subtle forms of psychological abuse can leave long-lasting scars, and verbal and physical abuse obviously cause a great deal of suffering. As your partner’s behaviour becomes gradually more controlling and less loving, it can be very challenging for you to come to terms with the fact that you’re in a dangerous and damaging situation. At times like these it’s easy to be overcome by fear and confusion, yet it’s important to remember that you have options: no one should have to experience abuse of any kind and there is help available so you don’t have to go through it alone. The first step is to talk to someone. If you’re able to, speak to family and friends who you trust, as well as qualified professionals who can offer advice and support. They can provide a safe space for you to talk about your situation, and often just the act of speaking can be incredibly liberating. This is especially true if you’re struggling to open up and explain what is going on. It’s also important to stay safe, as abusers oftentimes try to control or monitor their partners. That means exercising caution when using your phone, computer, or other devices, and notifying authorities or people who can keep you safe. Depending on the type of abuse, there are also organisations and hotlines you can call for assistance. Finally, it’s necessary to consider the next steps. It is not easy to leave an abusive partner, and it should only be done when you feel ready and comfortable. You may decide to give therapy a go, or alternatively seek professional help to draw up a protection or restraining order. If it comes to it, there is always the option to walk away. No one deserves to be abused, and once you realise that, it’s time to take action. By reaching out and seeking help, you can start the process of liberating yourself from the psychological and emotional clutches of an abusive partner. Though a painful and often terrifying journey, you will emerge with a more profound understanding of yourself, one that will prove to be more powerful than the bonds of the past.
  17. Everything in life is made up of relationships. We strive to build connections with our significant others, co-workers, friends, family, and even complete strangers. All of these different connections can help us find the meaning we are looking for and the direction to take in life. But what do you do when this connection becomes difficult? What should you do if you find yourself questioning your partner’s love and commitment, struggling with communication and trust issues, or feeling isolated and alone? It can all feel overwhelming and confusing to try and make sense of it all. There is no easy answer, as so much depends on your particular situation. But there are some things you can do that may help you move forward. The first step is to take a deep breath and know that you’re not alone. No matter how confused and lost you may feel, it can be comforting to remember that many other people have experienced similar challenges. Knowing and understanding that often just that little bit of mental admission can help. It can also be helpful to talk to someone who understands you and is willing to listen without passing judgement. This does not necessarily have to be someone close to you, it can be anyone who can provide a safe space for you to talk about your feelings and concerns. It might even end up being someone from a professional background such as a therapist or counsellor. It is important to recognise any signs of emotional or verbal abuse from your partner. If this is something you are experiencing, then it is vital that you seek advice and support from a professional. There are many organisations out there that can provide help and guidance to those in abusive relationships. It can feel daunting to reach out for help, but it is often the case that once we ask, support can be found. Finally, sometimes we are faced with situations where the only option may be to end the relationship. This can feel like a difficult and intimidating decision, and if you do feel like this is the right course of action, then make sure to seek appropriate advice and support. You should also consider telling your trusted friends and family members. You never know who might be able to offer help and assistance during this difficult time. Every relationship is unique and each one can be different. What matters is to look inward and identify what it is that you really need and want out of the situation. If it turns out that ending the relationship is the best course of action then trust that judgement and move forward confidently. Life is made up of relationships and when we find ourselves feeling confused and lost about them, it’s important to remember that we can reach out for help and support. Our feelings, needs, and wants are important and a meaningful relationships requires dedication, understanding, and effort. Recognise the signs of abuse, talk to trusted friends and family, and don’t forget to seek professional help if necessary. Difficult times can often inform us of who we are and what we truly want, so remember that no matter what, you are not alone.
  18. When it comes to intimate relationships, it can be hard to keep a clear head. Sometimes, chemistry can override common sense, leaving one to be vulnerable to an unforeseen yet horrific experience. Take, for instance, the story of a single woman who went on a date with a man from a dating app. At first, this man seemed 'lovely' and 'ticked all the boxes.' He was described as gregarious, charming, and attentive. She felt special, like she was the only one in the room. The two talked into the night, and the woman enjoyed herself immensely. But the next morning, she got a rude wakeup call. A text message arrived full of insults and degrading language. All her pleasant memories were transformed. This well-curated introduction was merely a means of grooming a victim. Her date hadn't been so kind hearted. His textbook comments coupled with compliments had veiled an ulterior motive. He'd wanted to control and manipulate his date, taking advantage of their chemistry to do so. Unfortunately, this isn't an uncommon situation. Abuse comes in many forms, some that can be difficult to identify. It's important to recognize potential abuse before it further progresses and takes a physical shape. Here are a few tips to look out for: The other party exhibits signs of manipulation. They make you feel guilty for doing something outside their wishes or play off your emotions to get what they want. Inconsistent behavior. They can seem like two different people, going from charming and sweet one day to cold and distant the next. Your needs don't seem to be important. They’re more focused on themselves — their beliefs, opinions, and desires — sometimes making yours seem inconsequential. If any of these sound familiar, it’s important to take time to assess the behavior and seek guidance if needed. You don’t have to suffer in silence. There are plenty of ways to protect yourself. Start by paying close attention to warning signs. If someone is pushing boundaries too quickly, its better to step back and reevaluate the situation. Try not to make assumptions or take words at face value. Take a deep breath and reflect on the entire picture. Find out more about the person you’re seeing. Get to know them better. Talk to mutual friends and read up online. A little bit of research can go a long way in both discovering the truth and protecting against possible danger. And never be afraid to reach out for help. Tell a friend or family member about the situation and look for good advice. Many relationships are capable of recovery, but its important to ensure your own safety first and foremost. It's tragic that such stories even exist. But it’s always important to remember: you deserve respect and you shouldn’t ever change who you in order to please someone else. If any form of abuse is present, get help. Your wellbeing always matters more than anything else.
  19. Books can offer insight and hope, even in times of crisis or turmoil. For enthusiasts of mental health, there is an abundance of books to choose from that tackle such topics as addiction, anxiety, depression and stress. In this article, we’ll take a closer look at just a few must-read books for anyone interested in the human mind. If you’re dealing with powerful emotions and need to learn more about how to manage them, Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is an excellent place to start. Brown provides her own personal journey, accompanied by research-backed advice, of learning what it means to embrace vulnerability and reach self-acceptance. The goal of the book is to help readers learn to accept their imperfections and use it to create resilience. When it comes to restoring faith in humanity, Robin Talley’s Loving vs. Virginia will lift up your spirits and give you a new perspective. This sweet, heartbreaking novel is about a young couple who challenge a long-standing law in 1950s Virginia. Consequently, their fight for the right to legally marry goes all the way to the Supreme Court, giving hope to millions of people. Those living with mental health issues, like bipolar disorder, can find spiritual healing and insight through Summer Edward’s A Place Inside of Me. It follows the story of Zara Moore, who struggles with the realities of bipolar disorder. Through an incredible journey of self-discovery, she discovers the importance of self-love and letting go, ultimately learning to trust the process of life. Anyone struggling with trauma or undue stress can find solace in How To Break Your Addiction To A Person, by Howard Halpern. This book offers a unique approach to discovering how to break free from unhealthy attachments, providing practical tools on how to redefine and establish healthy boundaries.
  20. When it comes to healthy relationships, love bombing should never be part of the equation. Love bombing is a form of manipulation and it can lead to emotional abuse. Unfortunately, many individuals are not aware that the intensive attention and affection they receive from someone else may actually be masking ulterior motives. Knowing what love bombing is and how to identify it can help you protect yourself from its damaging effects. What is Love Bombing? Love bombing is the practice of someone giving a person too much attention right away- often in an effort to sweep them off their feet and make them fall in love with them. This tactic is usually employed by someone who wants to control or manipulate their partner and get something they want out of the relationship. It often includes behaviors like excessive praise, intense flattery, overwhelming compliments, and over-the-top declarations of adoration. The individual in question might shower their partner with gifts, expensive trips, or other lavish surprises. Love bombing does not necessarily involve a romantic partner, as it can occur in any kind of relationship- between friends, family members, coworkers, etc. In such cases, the goal is typically to control, exploit, dominate, or otherwise exert power over the other person. Signs that You are Being Love Bombed The biggest thing to watch out for in terms of love bombing is an imbalance in the level of attention. If one person is going way overboard in terms of doting on the other, it’s likely they are trying to manipulate or control them in some way. Other signs include: ● Constant contact and communication: You hear from them constantly and you rarely have time apart. They text, call, email, leave notes, or otherwise find ways to stay connected to you. ● Idealization: They often put you on a pedestal. They think everything you do is amazing and they compare you with other people around them. ● Lack of boundaries: They have difficulty understanding or respecting your boundaries. They want to spend every waking moment with you and may attempt to guilt trip or persuade you into spending more time with them than you are comfortable with. ● Favors: They expect you to do favors for them without expecting anything in return. They might also expect you to drop everything for them when they need something. ● Trying to control you: They may attempt to control your thoughts, beliefs, clothing, behavior, or decisions. How to Handle Love Bombing If you find yourself in a situation where you are being love bombed, it’s important to remember that you have the right to say no. Do not allow someone else to tell you what to do- or make you feel guilty if you don’t do what they want. It is also important to be aware of your own emotional state during this time. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and recognize if you are feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable. It is also essential to set healthy boundaries and establish clear expectations with the person who is love bombing you. Be direct and let them know what actions won’t be tolerated. If they are unwilling or unable comply with your requests, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Finally, don’t be afraid to seek help if you feel like you cannot handle the situation on your own. Talk to a friend or family member you trust, or reach out to a mental health professional for guidance. Love bombing can be an incredibly damaging experience. Being aware of the warning signs and having the tools to handle it appropriately will help protect you from further harm. Understanding love bombing is the first step to recognizing it when it occurs and taking the necessary steps to protect yourself.
  21. All I think about is when I was raped by a guy I met while I was out walking to re fresh my head from thoughts I was having. I didn't do anything, I wasn't wearing anything to cause him to rape me. I just cant get over it 😞 I feel disgusting. 😭😭😭. It's all my fault.
  22. first of all thank you for your time and, my english may not be that good but im gonna try my best im a 15 year old girl and i have a 4 years older sister (19) who literally starts punching me on the face and pulling my hair whenever i ask her to, for example; move away when im sweeping the floor or when i ask her to clean the mess she made with food on MY bed... like im not even asking her to do me a favor she just refuses to act like a decent human being, she takes "dont tell me what to do" to a whoooooole new level.. she gets so easily offended by literally nothing and thats her biggest insecurity i once called her a snowflake and she almost broke my nose lmao i regret nothing. and because of what. because she pushed me away when i was sitting next to her holding the laptop, reading the news about the BTS meal, and i asked her to search for the price and she got offended thats why i called her a snowflake and she was TRIGGERED 🙂 when it comes to decent respect to family members or people in general, shes a complete a*hole. shes not participating in the chores (i always have to do her part of the chores) plus she always act like we owe her something; using my things without permission and throwing it on the floor when i want it back... and much more. our little sister is 12 and she never interacts with her cuz she knows how of a psychopath she is, and our older sister sometimes try to pick on her as usual but i often stand up for her because im the one who knows her weaknesses and i just cant let her win. this s**t didnt happen overnight, she used to abuse me physically and emotionally when we were kids and i learned how to use it all against her, shes just projecting her insecurities on others and i make sure shes always reminded of how weak she is to act like that.. sounds manipulative i know, shes one of the mostly people on earth that i have 0 empathy left for her, i would say that is my coping mechanism, i always win at argument, so her only comeback is the hitting and thats the only thing she wins at, but that doesnt affect me as much as it affects her, i dont really feel anything when she hits me it just gets old.. no f*cks left to give thats it, and i know how much words trigger her so i would never keep my mouth shut bcz i can 🙂 neither of us is mentally stable at this point, but i try as much as i can not to let people go through what ive gone through, something she does the complete opposite of, and i love making the people of her kind have a taste of their own medicine the most important part, are my parents paying attention to this? yes and no. i feel like theyre doubting themselves for her being like this, because... no need to sugar-coat this, child abuse is so normalized in our culture and my older sister was so mentally affected by which made her ego so fragile... are they doing anything to help? hear me out, when my sister and i get into a fight im "the only one who they can communicate with, safely" and i just need to ignore her because "im more mature"... like she always throws a tantrum like a f*cking 2 year old, crying and screaming whenever they try to discipline her saying that "they are the reason why she is like this" no b*tch stfu youre just a snowflake and you trying to make us feel bad while youre the one who always starts it off and tries to get away with it like a weak ass bi*ch like how can any parents expect and consider the victim who is also the youngest, to be more mature? how does that make you feel about yourself as a f*cking 19 year old? it bother me most when i see them not incharge of all of this, it makes me think: "when is she going to cmmit dead and leave us all in peace?" i even get death threats from her and i get bruises on my body and my scalp is hurting af its literally a miracle that she didnt break any bone in my body yet and MY PARENTS ARE NOT HELPING I SWEAR SOMEDAY IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE
  23. I've been with my current boyfriend for about 2 years. We went to the same middle school, became really close friends in high school (around 2011), and because of his relationship at the time of like 3/4 years, we kind of drifted apart around 2014. Some sort of social media post led to a conversation, which led to us being inseparable since 2020. I've been struggling lately though, because he's great. I love him so much. He makes mistakes, but even when things start to turn unhealthy in any of our behaviors, he acknowledges it. He can say the hard things, but he can also sit with his thoughts and come back understanding. When we began talking again, I had gotten over a tough 5 year relationship, so I started an entirely new life and hadn't spoken to most of the people I went to high school with. Once I graduated, I immediately had to work and eventually moved in with my boyfriend when I was 19 because my family home was being foreclosed on. I paid bills (every single bill. rent, utilities, everything) on my own for 6 months not knowing if I'd be evicted with one mistake and was working for a miserable utilities company that I hated but had to stay at. I couldn't even afford to go to college, and paid out of pocket for a class or two just to have something. All the while, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that ended with heart palpitations and suicidal thoughts. I went through a lot of trauma even before then and I've been putting the pieces together to fully heal. It's been so hard. I forgotten so much and was so happy to just speak to him again because we were so freaking close and the same. Little throwbacks would come up when he would say I was always there for him on social media or some old, long conversations we used to have when venting. I admired that kid since day one. He was just like me, a weirdo. I wanted to know him since the day I first saw him. Lately, a lot of our high school past has been resurfacing. It's been years, right? But I started to remember how much I cared for him and some hurtful memories began to pop up. He was in an on and off relationship with someone who gaslighted him, and I was there for him to speak to for advice. I remember liking him but was such a tolerant person who accepted any treatment to be real with myself. I put my energy into being mature even then and did what I could to *never* selfishly give him advice against her. I rooted for them hard. To me, he was so admirable. He treated her wonderfully, and if anything, it probably would've changed my entire perspective if he ever crossed a line with me. I had a lil crush, but maintained it without ever being disrespectful and keeping my distance always thinking about how she would feel. After being told about awful cheating and gaslighting, they broke up. During that time, he crossed the friendship line and began flirting with me after 3 years of just being close friends. I was like a lil school girl, talking to his friends for advice and being all giddy updating them on how things were going. He confessed to me he always kinda liked me, we hung out, hooked up (he was probably only like, the second guy I ever hooked up with at the time so this wasn't a light thing for me). Right after, he asked to stay friends, he eventually got back with his ex and after high school, again saw their relationship flaunted everywhereeee, he asked me to hook up again, I said no, and we "drifted" apart. Thinking back on it, I think I'm starting to realize we didn't drift apart. He actually hurt me, and during that time, I dealt with sexual abuse, dealt with losing my family home, dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts and I remember always talking to him through his depression but don't really remember him being there for me. I remember us being so similar, but so different. I went to a pretty wealthy school, but I was not that. His parents were together, mine divorced. He lived in a wealthy neighborhood, mine was being foreclosed on. He was allowed to have people over, I was stuck to my house and actually "snuck" out just to simply hang out with him. He went to college, no student debt, for four years right after and got to experience his life, I had the opposite and had to begin paying bills fresh out of high school and had to pay to go to school online, on my own, still pursuing that degree. What life handed us does not take away a single thing he's been through, but it gives some context, but thinking back on it is so painful. I was always there for him, little ole me who went through abuse and trauma and betrayal, but I was always there. He never checked up on me or reached out. ***ty exes reached outs and I ignored them, but still always had a glimmer of "I meant something to them. *** them, but I meant something" and nothing from him. After going through all of that, and putting it aside to be there for him, I didn't even get a check up. Even after knowing I liked him, he didn't check up to make sure I was okay. After his got back with his ex, I was nothing to him. I'm looking back now and I'm so hurt thinking that's my story, and it's like I remembered it all wrong. It feels like I'm the nice girl who finished last and I'm so internally pissed. He doesn't remember though. All he remembers is his ex, his ex and what she put him through, the ex that unfortunately is also a part of my story because him going back and forgetting about me is what made me feel low, and like a side piece, and like someone was chosen over me, like people who hurt others are the ones that win and people like me are forgotten, easily. I remember him, I remember the good things and the bad, and what he put me through, maybe even unintentionally. It's like my soul feels like he had a chance and waited so long. He had the chance to be there for me when I was going through the worst pain but he wasn't. Was he willing to go on without me in his life forever? After all that time? Was he part of my villain origin story where people like him had no interest and dropped me and I was moving on, and then regressed and now I'm dealing with this? And also, is it even fair to him?! I'll go there, because it was years ago. The thing is, this isn't something I held on to and slowly threw this up, I've been trying to figure it out and put my thoughts together on where certain unrecognized behaviors from me come from. He thinks it was a lifetime ago. Even my friends remember. I'm 25, we started talking again when I was 22 and that happened when I was 17. I've been having nightmares about it, and having gone through that trauma, me and him have two entirely different processes and understandings and memories. It could be small to him, but this is needed for my healing journey and I'm done telling myself to let it go if it keeps coming up and is obviously something I have to deal with. I feel so bad for my inner child, and I'm feeling that hurt. What would you do? How can I process this and in a healthy way try to get past it?
  24. So this is has been in my head for a little while as something of a flaw in my character(I mean, I suppose. I don't know what else to call it). For a good long while as I was trying to find work, fighting depression and poverty and generally trying to get my head above water, I had to deal with working a number of office and call center jobs and found that there were a number of people who knew my family and there was a narrative among a few that knew of my situation and had, let's say, "opinions" about me, my character and my way through life. There a number of different thing said: I was laughed at by a manager that was "roasting" me indirectly, of course not using my name, about a physically abusive situation followed by emotional abuse, blame and what have you, I faced from several family members(this was information I did not share voluntarily with that manager, by the way); was mocked senselessly by a number of ex-coworkers who laughed my poverty situation and the deep, DEEP financial struggles I was facing; and, last but not least during a job that stressed me out so much in itself that I now have NAFLD as result, I was relentlessly bullied by a janitor who said "I was too old now to make something of life", and dude that, literally right behind my back, said all sorts of cruel things about me and my job situation while staring at my bald spot and yet another roasting by a group of people with whom I was training. These are some of the more outstanding examples but there are many more. The only saving grace I had in that last job, by the way, was getting to work at home shortly before starting so as to be able to deal with only the one stress which was the job itself. Honestly, I know that office environments can get rather toxic and I know that it's not my business to control who says what about you. What I want to do is get help, because I might to face this in the future, with how to deal with the stress this behavior causes me. I have problem dealing with malicious from others as it brings up feelings of expendability, helplessness and anger and I need to find ways to deal with them so that they don't cause the anxieties or, the case with the latest job I had, medical complications so that I can deal with this sort of passive malice without it affecting my personal life AFTER my shift is over. Does anyone have any tips, techniques or ideas that can help mitigate the negative feelings associated with being confronted with this behavior? I feel if I have the right guidance I can develop the tools necessary to cope with such toxic, ridiculous, BS in the future. Thanks it advance!
  25. My ex is and what he did is really getting to me, I know it sounds selfish but I wish I could just keep being hurt or me hurting myself non stop as I'm finding it hard and I'm really feeling ***ed up. I honestly, do not know if what he did can keep me alive, I feel so hopeless and alone and my head is full of rubbish I cannot cope I really just want a hug 😭
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