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  1. Key Takeaways: Establish routines for connection. Embrace personal growth. Plan future reunions. Communicate openly. Gratitude strengthens bonds. The Ache of Missing Your Girlfriend Missing your girlfriend can feel like carrying a boulder on your chest. It's a mix of longing, love, and a profound sense of absence that can strike whether you're in a long-distance relationship or temporarily separated. This emotional experience is common, yet uniquely personal, reflecting the deep connection you share with your partner. Many find themselves navigating a sea of emotions, unsure how to cope with the intensity of their feelings. The ache of missing someone you love is not just about the physical distance; it's about the small moments and shared experiences that suddenly become memories in their absence. The purpose of this article is to provide a lifeline by offering 10 specific ways to help you cope with missing your girlfriend. Whether it's through maintaining a connection, embracing personal growth, or planning for the future, there are strategies to help you manage the distance and strengthen your relationship. Understanding that you're not alone in these feelings is the first step toward finding solace. Across the globe, countless people are experiencing the same longing, each with their own stories and solutions. This article draws on those collective experiences, offering advice that is both practical and emotionally supportive. The journey through missing your girlfriend is both challenging and transformative. It teaches you about the resilience of love, the importance of communication, and the value of cherishing each moment together. As you navigate this path, remember that the distance between you is just a test of the strength of your bond. In the following sections, we'll explore the emotional landscape of missing your partner, delve into why these feelings are so intense, and provide actionable advice to help you cope. Let's embark on this journey together, towards understanding, healing, and growing stronger in love. Understanding the Emotion: Why We Miss Our Partners At the core of missing your girlfriend is the emotional bond that ties you together. This bond is a powerful force, rooted in love, companionship, and shared experiences. It's what makes saying goodbye, even for short periods, so challenging. Psychologically, missing someone is tied to our human need for connection and belonging. This need is fundamental, driving us to form and maintain close relationships. When that connection is disrupted, we feel a sense of loss and longing that can be overwhelming. Additionally, our memories play a significant role in why we miss our partners. The brain has a way of highlighting the positive moments, making us yearn for the laughter, intimacy, and joy we share with our significant other. These memories can be a source of comfort, but they can also intensify the feeling of absence. Understanding these emotions is crucial for navigating the path of missing your girlfriend. It allows you to recognize that what you're feeling is a natural response to a deep, meaningful connection. With this understanding, we can begin to explore ways to cope with these feelings and find solace in the strength of our relationships. 1. Establish a Routine for Connection Creating a routine for connection is vital when you miss your girlfriend. It's about carving out moments in your day to ensure you both feel loved, valued, and connected despite the miles that may lie between you. This structured approach to communication can significantly reduce the feeling of absence and create a sense of normalcy in your long-distance relationship. Start by finding times that work best for both of you, considering time zones and daily schedules. This could mean setting aside a specific hour each day for a video call or ensuring you send a good morning and good night text without fail. The predictability of these interactions creates a comforting rhythm in your relationship. Utilize technology to your advantage. With numerous apps and platforms designed to keep people connected, you can mix things up to keep the communication exciting. From video calls and instant messaging to playing online games together or watching a movie in sync – the possibilities are vast. But it's not just about the quantity of communication; quality matters too. During your scheduled times, be fully present. This means putting aside distractions and focusing solely on each other. Share about your day, discuss your thoughts and feelings, and engage in deep conversations that strengthen your bond. Don't underestimate the power of surprise in your routine. A spontaneous text or an unexpected phone call can add an element of excitement and show your girlfriend that she's always on your mind. It's these small gestures that can make a big difference in how connected you feel. Lastly, remember that your routine should evolve as your relationship does. Be open to adjusting your schedule and methods of communication as needed. The goal is to maintain a connection that feels engaging, loving, and reassuring for both of you. Establishing a solid routine for connection is a testament to your commitment to each other and the relationship. 2. Create Personalized Reminders of Your Relationship When miles separate you from your girlfriend, having tangible reminders of your relationship can bridge the gap. These personalized mementos serve as physical manifestations of your love and shared memories, providing comfort during moments of longing. One way to keep your connection alive is through exchanging heartfelt letters or postcards. The act of writing and receiving hand-written notes adds a deeply personal touch that digital messages can't replicate. These letters can become cherished keepsakes, holding the essence of your bond within their words. Creating a playlist of songs that hold special meaning to your relationship is another beautiful way to feel closer. Whether it's tunes from memorable dates or songs that express your feelings for each other, listening to this playlist can evoke a sense of togetherness, even when apart. Custom gifts also hold significant sentimental value. Consider sending your girlfriend personalized items like engraved jewelry, a custom illustration of a memorable moment, or a photo book filled with pictures of the two of you. These gifts can serve as a constant reminder of your affection and the moments you've shared. For something more interactive, create a digital scrapbook or a shared online photo album. This can be a fun way for both of you to contribute and reflect on your journey together, adding new memories as your relationship grows. It's a living document of your love story, accessible anytime, anywhere. Finally, don't overlook the power of small, everyday items. A simple keychain, mug, or pillowcase can become a beloved reminder of your girlfriend if it carries significance to your relationship. It's these ordinary objects, infused with meaning, that can often bring the most comfort. Personalized reminders of your relationship are more than just objects; they're symbols of your love and the life you're building together. They serve as a beacon of hope and connection, a way to physically hold onto your bond until you can hold each other again. 3. Dive into Personal Growth and Self-Improvement Embracing personal growth and self-improvement is a powerful way to cope with missing your girlfriend. It's an opportunity to turn the pain of separation into a journey of self-discovery and development. This process not only benefits you but can also enrich your relationship, bringing new insights and strengths to the bond you share. Start by setting personal goals that align with your interests and aspirations. Whether it's learning a new skill, pursuing a hobby, or advancing your career, these objectives provide a sense of purpose and direction. Achieving these goals can boost your self-esteem and provide a fulfilling distraction from the ache of missing your partner. Consider diving into books, podcasts, and courses that focus on personal development. These resources can offer valuable perspectives and strategies for improving various aspects of your life, from emotional intelligence to physical health. The knowledge gained through this exploration can enhance your sense of well-being and self-awareness. Maintaining physical health is another crucial aspect of personal growth. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep can improve your mood and energy levels, making it easier to cope with emotional stress. Additionally, sharing your fitness journey with your girlfriend can be a motivating and connective experience. Reflection and mindfulness practices, such as journaling and meditation, can also play a significant role in personal growth. These practices encourage introspection, helping you to understand and process your feelings about the separation. They can also enhance your emotional resilience, preparing you to handle the challenges of a long-distance relationship with grace. Don't forget to celebrate your progress and achievements, no matter how small. Recognizing your own growth fosters a sense of accomplishment and can be a source of shared joy in your relationship. Sharing these moments with your girlfriend strengthens the emotional connection and reminds you both of the individual journeys you're on, together yet apart. Ultimately, diving into personal growth and self-improvement is about becoming the best version of yourself, for yourself and for your relationship. It's a testament to the strength of your love and the commitment you have to each other, proving that even in absence, your bond can grow stronger. 4. Plan Your Next Reunion Anticipating the next time you'll see your girlfriend can be a significant source of comfort and motivation. Planning your next reunion not only gives you something to look forward to but also helps bridge the emotional distance. This anticipation builds excitement and keeps the flame of your relationship alive, even when you're apart. Begin by setting a tentative date. Having a specific timeframe in mind helps make the reunion feel more tangible. It allows you to count down the days, which can be incredibly reassuring during moments of longing. This countdown can also serve as a reminder of the temporary nature of your separation. Discuss and plan activities you both want to do when you're together again. Whether it's a trip, exploring new places, or simply enjoying each other's company at home, creating a plan makes your time together feel even more special. It's an opportunity to make up for lost time and create new memories. Save and budget for your reunion. Financial planning is crucial, especially if travel is involved. Setting aside funds for your visit can alleviate stress and ensure that you can fully enjoy your time together without worrying about financial constraints. Lastly, keep the spirit of spontaneity alive. While having plans is important, being open to impromptu moments and surprises adds an extra layer of excitement to your reunion. It's these unexpected joys that often become the most cherished memories. Planning your next reunion is about more than just logistics; it's a reaffirmation of your commitment and love for each other. It's a reminder that every moment apart is a step closer to being together again, making the journey of missing your girlfriend a bit easier to bear. 5. Keep a Shared Journal or Blog Keeping a shared journal or blog is a unique and intimate way to stay connected with your girlfriend, despite the distance. This shared space becomes a sanctuary for your thoughts, experiences, and dreams, allowing you both to maintain an emotional closeness that transcends physical boundaries. Start by deciding on the format that best suits your relationship. Whether it's a physical journal sent back and forth, an online blog, or a digital document, the key is choosing a medium that feels personal and accessible to both of you. This shared platform should be a place where you both feel comfortable expressing yourselves openly. Use the journal or blog to document your daily lives, share insights, and reflect on your relationship. It can include anything from how your day went, thoughts that crossed your mind, to poems or artwork inspired by each other. This practice not only keeps you updated on each other's lives but also strengthens your emotional bond. Incorporate prompts, questions, or themes to keep the content engaging and thought-provoking. Challenges such as writing about your future together, your deepest fears, or happiest memories can foster deeper understanding and empathy between you two. Make it a routine to regularly update the journal or blog. Consistency is key to ensuring it remains a meaningful part of your relationship. These regular updates can become something you both look forward to, a moment of connection in your day-to-day lives. Reflecting on past entries together can be a profoundly emotional and bonding experience. It allows you to see how far you've come, both as individuals and as a couple, highlighting the strength and depth of your relationship. This shared journal or blog becomes a testament to your journey, a treasure trove of shared memories and growth. 6. Find a Hobby to Share Even When Apart Finding a hobby to share can significantly enhance your connection, providing a common ground that keeps you bonded, even when apart. This shared interest gives you both something to talk about, learn, and grow in together, adding a new layer of interaction to your relationship. Begin by exploring hobbies that can be done remotely yet collaboratively. From online gaming and book clubs to cooking the same recipe over a video call, the options are as varied as they are engaging. The key is to find something that excites both of you, offering a shared experience to look forward to. Set goals or challenges within your hobby to keep things interesting. Whether it's progressing to a certain level in a game, reading a set number of books, or mastering a complex recipe, these objectives can motivate and inspire you both. Celebrating these achievements together can be incredibly rewarding. Sharing a hobby not only fills the time you spend apart with joy and learning but also strengthens your bond by building shared memories and experiences. It's a testament to the fact that your connection can flourish, no matter the distance, through shared passions and pursuits. 7. Utilize Technology to Stay Connected In today's digital age, technology plays a pivotal role in bridging the gap between long-distance couples. With a plethora of communication tools at our fingertips, staying connected has never been easier or more diverse. It's essential to explore and utilize these technological avenues to keep the flame of your relationship burning bright. Video calling is perhaps the most impactful tool, allowing you to see and hear your girlfriend as if you were in the same room. Regular video chats can significantly reduce the feeling of distance, providing a visual and auditory connection that text messages or emails cannot. Whether it's a scheduled date night or a quick check-in, the face-to-face interaction is invaluable. Beyond video calls, consider other forms of digital interaction. Apps that allow you to watch movies or listen to music together in real-time can mimic the experience of a date night. Meanwhile, online games can offer a fun and competitive way to engage with each other. These shared experiences can foster a sense of normalcy and companionship. Remember, the goal of utilizing technology is to enhance your connection in meaningful ways. While it's easy to get caught up in the convenience of digital communication, prioritize quality interactions that deepen your bond. Technology should serve as a bridge, not a barrier, in your relationship. 8. Practice Gratitude for Your Relationship Practicing gratitude within your relationship is a profound way to deepen your connection and counter the challenges of distance. It involves acknowledging and appreciating the value of your partner and the relationship you share. This mindset shift can transform how you view the distance, focusing on the positives rather than the negatives. Start by reflecting on the aspects of your relationship and your girlfriend that you are thankful for. Consider the qualities she brings to your life, the moments of joy and growth you've shared, and the support you provide each other. Expressing this gratitude directly to your girlfriend can strengthen your emotional bond and increase feelings of love and appreciation. Incorporate gratitude into your daily routine. This could be through a gratitude journal, where you jot down things about your relationship that you're thankful for each day, or through daily affirmations that reinforce your appreciation for your partner and the love you share. Share your gratitude with each other regularly. Whether it's through a text message, a letter, or during a conversation, letting your girlfriend know why you're grateful for her can have a powerful impact. These expressions of gratitude make the challenges of distance feel more manageable. Gratitude also helps in focusing on the quality of the relationship over the quantity of time spent together. It encourages you to cherish the moments you do share, whether they're virtual or in-person, and to see the distance as an opportunity to grow individually and as a couple. Ultimately, practicing gratitude for your relationship is about nurturing a positive and thankful mindset. It's a reminder of the love and connection that you share, providing a solid foundation to weather the challenges of missing your girlfriend and maintaining a long-distance relationship. 9. Seek Support from Friends and Family When the distance between you and your girlfriend feels overwhelming, leaning on friends and family can provide much-needed support and perspective. These relationships are invaluable resources, offering emotional support, practical advice, and sometimes just a listening ear when you need it most. Don't hesitate to share your feelings with those you trust. Opening up about the challenges you're facing can be therapeutic, helping you to process your emotions and gain insights from others who may have experienced similar situations. The support of friends and family can remind you that you're not alone in this journey. Engaging in social activities can also provide a healthy distraction, allowing you to focus on positive experiences while apart from your girlfriend. These moments can be a source of joy and rejuvenation, giving you the strength to cope with the challenges of a long-distance relationship. Moreover, friends and family can offer a different perspective, helping you to see the situation in a new light. They can remind you of your strength, the value of your relationship, and the reasons why enduring the distance is worth it. This support network is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being during times of separation. 10. Communicate Openly About Your Feelings Open communication is the cornerstone of any strong relationship, especially in a long-distance scenario. Discussing your feelings about the distance, your relationship, and everything in between can prevent misunderstandings and foster a deeper connection between you and your girlfriend. Start by establishing a safe space where both of you feel comfortable expressing your feelings, fears, and desires. This environment of trust and openness encourages honesty and vulnerability, which are essential for maintaining an emotional connection across the distance. Be specific about what you miss about being together and how the separation affects you. Sharing these intimate details can help your partner understand your perspective and provide support in the ways you need it most. It also opens the door for her to share her feelings, ensuring that both of you are heard and understood. Practice active listening when your girlfriend shares her feelings. This means fully focusing on what she is saying, acknowledging her emotions, and responding thoughtfully. Active listening reinforces the importance of her feelings and shows that you value the relationship. Use technology to your advantage in facilitating open communication. Whether it's through text, voice messages, or video calls, choose the medium that allows you to express yourselves most effectively. Regular, meaningful conversations can help bridge the emotional gap caused by physical distance. Address conflicts or misunderstandings promptly and constructively. The nature of long-distance relationships can sometimes amplify small issues, making open and honest communication even more critical. Approach these discussions with empathy, seeking to understand your girlfriend's point of view and working together towards a resolution. Ultimately, communicating openly about your feelings is about nurturing your relationship and ensuring it thrives, despite the challenges of distance. By making communication a priority, you reaffirm your commitment to each other and to the love you share, building a foundation that can withstand any obstacle. Dealing with the Challenges: When Missing Her Feels Overwhelming There are moments in a long-distance relationship when the distance feels insurmountable, and missing your girlfriend becomes an overwhelming force. It's during these times that coping strategies become essential, not just for maintaining the relationship but for preserving your own emotional well-being. Recognize that it's okay to feel overwhelmed. These emotions are a testament to the depth of your feelings for your girlfriend. Allowing yourself to feel and acknowledge these emotions is the first step towards managing them. Suppressing your feelings can lead to greater emotional distress down the line. Seek out activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Engaging in hobbies, exercise, or social activities can provide a necessary distraction and boost your mood. It's also a way to maintain your identity and interests outside of the relationship, which is crucial for your personal well-being. Remember, the intensity of these feelings will ebb and flow. Embracing coping mechanisms like communication, support networks, and self-care can help you navigate the tougher moments. Over time, you'll find that you develop resilience and a deeper understanding of your own emotional landscape. Finding Strength in Separation: How Distance Can Strengthen Bonds While it may seem counterintuitive, distance can serve as a powerful catalyst for strengthening the bonds in a relationship. It forces couples to communicate more deliberately, appreciate the time they do spend together, and foster trust and independence – key components of a healthy relationship. Communication in long-distance relationships tends to be more frequent and meaningful. Since physical interaction is limited, couples often invest more effort into their conversations, leading to a deeper emotional connection. This heightened communication can enhance understanding and empathy between partners. Separation also cultivates appreciation for the relationship and the moments you share. It's easy to take someone's presence for granted, but distance reminds you of the value of your partner and the joy of being together. This appreciation can make reunions all the more sweet and meaningful. Trust and independence are crucial in long-distance relationships. The distance requires you to trust your partner implicitly, without the constant reassurance of physical presence. This trust, once established, forms a strong foundation for the relationship. Simultaneously, independence is nurtured, allowing each person to grow individually, which ultimately enriches the relationship. Distance also encourages creativity in maintaining the connection. Couples find innovative ways to share experiences, from virtual dates to sending surprise gifts, which can add excitement and novelty to the relationship. These efforts demonstrate commitment and keep the spark alive. In essence, while the challenges of a long-distance relationship are real, they also present opportunities for growth and strengthening the bond. It's through navigating these challenges together that you can build a resilient, enduring relationship, grounded in trust, communication, and mutual respect. FAQ: Common Questions About Missing Your Girlfriend Is it normal to miss my girlfriend this much? Yes, it's entirely normal. Missing someone reflects the depth of your connection and love. It's a sign that your partner holds a significant place in your life, and feeling their absence is a natural emotional response. How can I make missing her easier? Engaging in activities that you enjoy, maintaining a routine, and staying connected through communication can help. Focusing on personal growth and cherishing the moments you do share, whether they're virtual or in person, also makes a difference. Will the distance affect our relationship negatively? Distance presents challenges, but it also offers opportunities to strengthen your bond. Through trust, communication, and shared experiences, many couples find that their relationship grows stronger and more resilient over time. How do we maintain intimacy from afar? Intimacy can be maintained through open communication, sharing experiences, and making an effort to understand and support each other. Utilizing technology for virtual dates and finding creative ways to express your love also help maintain the emotional connection. Conclusion: Embracing the Journey Together Missing your girlfriend while navigating a long-distance relationship is a testament to the love and connection you share. While the distance may pose challenges, it also provides unique opportunities for growth, both individually and as a couple. The journey of missing someone you love is not a path you walk alone. It's a shared experience, filled with moments of growth, learning, and deepening bonds. By embracing the strategies discussed, from establishing routines for connection to practicing gratitude for your relationship, you can navigate the challenges of distance with resilience and love. Remember, every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. It's about finding the balance and strategies that resonate with your relationship's dynamic. Open communication and mutual effort are key to adapting and thriving, regardless of the miles between you. As you continue on this journey, cherish the moments of connection, celebrate the milestones, and look forward to the future you're building together. The distance is but a chapter in your love story, one that when looked back upon, will highlight the strength, commitment, and love that carried you through. Let the distance serve as a reminder of the importance of the relationship you're fighting to maintain. It's a challenge that, when faced together, can forge an even stronger bond, proving that love knows no distance too great to overcome. Missing your girlfriend is a complex, often challenging experience, but it's also a profound demonstration of love. By employing creativity, patience, and dedication, you can keep the flame of your relationship burning brightly, ready to emerge stronger and more connected than ever once the distance is finally closed. Embrace this journey with open hearts and minds, knowing that every moment apart is a step closer to being together again. Your love, strengthened by distance, is a powerful testament to the enduring nature of true connection.
  2. Long-distance relationships can often be complicated and demanding. The miles between you and your partner can seem even more extensive during the holiday season, particularly at Christmas when the world seems so festive and connected. Christmas is the time of the year when we want to be surrounded by the ones we love most, sharing joy, laughter, and creating cherished memories. When your loved one is miles away, the physical distance can feel emotionally daunting. However, this shouldn't deter you from celebrating the holiday season with the same warmth and love. In this context, expressing your feelings becomes paramount. It's about finding the right words that not only embody your emotions but also span the distance, making your boyfriend feel cherished and loved, despite the miles. A heartfelt Christmas message can do wonders, reminding him of your unwavering commitment and love. In the absence of physical presence, your words can wrap him in the warmth of your love, making the distance seem a little less intimidating. Writing such a message, though, isn't always straightforward. The words should be personalized, genuine, and brimming with your unique emotional depth. The following guide will present seven unforgettable Christmas messages for your long-distance boyfriend, each designed to bridge the gap and touch his heart. Crafting the Perfect Message Your Christmas message should be a sincere expression of your feelings, but it doesn't have to be overly complicated. You can pour your heart into simple yet impactful phrases. Start by acknowledging the physical distance and then shift towards the emotional closeness you share. After all, love knows no boundaries, and Christmas is the perfect occasion to reinforce this. Here are seven Christmas messages you can take inspiration from or modify according to your relationship dynamics: 1. "Even though we are miles apart this Christmas, my heart is right there with you. My love for you is like the twinkling Christmas lights, illuminating even the darkest corners of our lives." 2. "Distance means so little when our love is this strong. I'm sending you an extra warm hug this Christmas, wrapped in all the love and warmth my heart holds for you." 3. "On this special day, my Christmas wish is for us to be together. Until then, my love will travel the distance, whispering words of love on every mile that separates us." 4. "Though we might be celebrating Christmas under different skies, our hearts are under the same star. Merry Christmas, my love." 5. "Christmas feels a little different without you by my side. But the miles between us are just a number. Our love transcends all boundaries." 6. "Christmas is a time of giving, and I'm giving you all my love, wrapped in this message. Though I miss your presence, your love keeps me warm." 7. "Underneath the Christmas tree, a gift waits for you — it's my heart. It's yours today and always, regardless of the distance." The Power of a Message The power of a heartfelt Christmas message cannot be underestimated. These words, though seemingly simple, can profoundly affect the recipient, particularly when they're far away. They serve as a reminder that despite the physical distance, you are thinking of them, and your emotions are undeterred by the miles in between. In a long-distance relationship, communication becomes the heart and soul of your bond. Your words become your touch, your presence, and your warmth. They validate your feelings and act as a constant reminder of your love. And what better time than Christmas to shower your long-distance boyfriend with words that celebrate and affirm your relationship? A Christmas message for your long-distance boyfriend is more than just words. It's a testament to your unyielding bond and your ability to surmount any obstacle, including distance. So this Christmas, let your words travel the distance, carrying your love and the spirit of the holiday season. Making It Personal and Memorable A Christmas message, while seemingly simple, is a capsule of your feelings. It's an opportunity to reflect upon your relationship's strength, its journey, and the love you both share. When writing this message, remember that it's not just about the words you use, but the emotions you infuse into those words. Your message should reflect your relationship, your shared memories, and your hopes for the future. It should mirror your unique bond. Consider including special moments, inside jokes, or shared dreams that signify the depth of your connection. In this way, the message becomes not just a Christmas wish, but a love letter, a reminder of your story and the chapters yet to be written. Your message doesn't have to be perfect; it just needs to be true. True to your feelings, your love, and your relationship. And that's what will make it unforgettable. The Perfect Christmas Message No matter how far away your boyfriend might be this Christmas, your love doesn't have to be distant. A well-crafted message can bridge this gap, making your boyfriend feel cherished, loved, and missed. It's your way of saying that while he may not be present in your surroundings, he is in your thoughts, your celebrations, and your heart. In this article, we've looked at seven heartfelt messages, each carrying a piece of your heart to your loved one, creating a connection that transcends the miles. Christmas is about love, warmth, and togetherness. Your message, brimming with these emotions, can serve as the perfect Christmas gift for your long-distance boyfriend, making his day a little brighter, a little warmer, and a lot more loved. Writing a Christmas message for a long-distance boyfriend might seem challenging, but it's really about opening your heart, letting your emotions flow, and letting your love transcend the miles. Whether you choose to pen a simple message or a profound love letter, it will certainly bring joy and warmth to your boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. In the grand scheme of things, it's not the miles but the love that matters most. And that's the ultimate Christmas message – one of love, hope, and the promise of togetherness, despite the miles. References: Stafford, L. (2005). Maintaining Long-Distance and Cross-Residential Relationships. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc. "Staying Connected in a Long-Distance Relationship." Psychology Today. Accessed May 27, 2023. Guldner, G. T., & Swensen, C. H. (1995). Time spent together and relationship quality: Long-distance relationships as a test case. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 12(2), 313-320. "8 Ways to Have a Happy Holiday in a Long-Distance Relationship." HuffPost. Accessed May 27, 2023. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony. "Tips for a Better Long-Distance Relationship." Harvard Health Blog. Accessed May 27, 2023.
  3. The idea of a long-distance relationship (LDR) is as alluring as it is challenging. The heart-wrenching separation, romantic reunions, and the thrill of proving that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" are components that many find irresistible. However, the picturesque depiction of LDRs often masks the unseen pitfalls that can corrode them from within. So, what really kills long-distance relationships? We're not just talking about the common culprits like distance or lack of physical intimacy, but the more subtle yet equally detrimental factors. This article uncovers seven hidden pitfalls that may be gnawing away at your LDR, often unnoticed. 1. The Miscommunication Monster Communicating effectively in a relationship is already a fine art, but add a few thousand miles in between, and it turns into a high-wire act. Miscommunications and misunderstandings can be relationship killers. These pitfalls rear their ugly heads in many forms: misread texts, misconstrued silence, misinterpreted tone, or missed video calls. Because you're not sharing the same physical space, it's easy to misinterpret actions (or lack thereof), which can lead to resentment and frustration. 2. Unrealistic Expectations: The Silent Assassin Unrealistic expectations can prove lethal for LDRs. Often, couples imagine a perfect reunion every time they meet. However, life isn't a Nicholas Sparks novel. Excessive pressure to make every meeting magical can lead to disappointment, and frequent disappointment can lead to disillusionment. It's vital to manage expectations and appreciate the normalcy within extraordinary circumstances. 3. The Emotional Disconnect Dilemma Emotional connection is the glue that holds a relationship together, even more so in a long-distance one. The inability to physically comfort each other during hard times can create an emotional gap. Over time, this gap can widen and morph into an emotional disconnect, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation, which are silent killers of LDRs. 4. Time Zone Terrors: Scheduling Nightmares Dating across time zones adds an extra layer of complexity. Juggling between time zones, balancing work schedules, and maintaining a social life can be exhausting. This struggle often leads to fewer interactions, which can trigger feelings of neglect and frustration. 5. Future Uncertainty: The Unseen Ghost If the future of your relationship is murky, it's bound to cause stress and anxiety. Every LDR needs a goal: the day when the distance will finally be closed. But, if that day seems too far off or uncertain, it could cause you to question the viability of your relationship. 6. The Autonomy Overdose Too much of anything is harmful, and the same applies to autonomy in an LDR. While independence is a cherished aspect of being in a long-distance relationship, an overdose can lead to disconnection. When you're living independently for too long, you might get too comfortable and unintentionally start living parallel lives, leading to a gradual detachment. 7. Trust Troubles: The Underlying Iceberg Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, but in a long-distance relationship, it's more like oxygen. Doubts and insecurities often magnify due to the distance, making trust issues an iceberg that can sink your LDR Titanic. While these seven pitfalls may seem daunting, understanding them is the first step in preventing them. Each challenge has a corresponding solution, whether it's enhancing your communication skills, adjusting your expectations, investing in emotional intimacy, managing your time wisely, planning your future together, balancing independence with connection, or building unwavering trust. The journey of a long-distance relationship is akin to navigating a labyrinth, filled with surprising twists and turns. While these pitfalls may seem intimidating, don't despair. With patience, understanding, and effort, you can overcome them. every pitfall carries the seed of growth and presents an opportunity to strengthen your bond. Use these challenges as stepping stones, not stumbling blocks, and you'll find that no distance is too great for love to cross.
  4. The ending of a long-distance relationship is something both persons dread. Every goodbye carved within layers of insecurity and pain as each one says goodbye without knowing if or when they will be reunited. Farewells are scattered through conversations, exchanging lingering hugs, and the sadness of being far away brings about a deep hollow in one's heart. Being in a long-distance relationship can be very challenging and the transition of it coming to an end can be much more agonizing. Some struggles are specific to long-distance relationships such an excessive amount of time apart, separation from friends and family, hypersensitive expectations, heightened vulnerability from handling your emotions solo, and sudden changes in plans. It's no wonder that many people fear the thought of being in a long-distance relationship. Not many people can fathom the strength it takes not just to stay in, but to make it work in a long distance partnership with two completely different lifestyles and love at a distance. However, letting it go is somehow even harder. Saying goodbye is never easy, but sometimes there is no other choice than to take this step to closure. The end of a long-distance relationship may require some extra preparation to avoid added trauma. The best way to handle this end is by saying goodbye properly. The emotional conclusions of a long-distance relationship should not be taken lightly; its still an intimate connection between two people. It’s important to recognize that what once was is no longer, and both parties must accept the fact that their relationship will end. This allows one to move on with a clear conscience. As difficult as these closing moments may seem, saying goodbye respectfully permits each partner to leave with pride, knowing that they treated each other with care and respect. This is why planning final conversations is so essential. A conversation allows each person to share their feelings, ask questions, and air out grievances. Doing this gives closure to the relationship and prevents any negative spirits between the two. Trust is paramount at the end of a long-distance relationship since the couple has gone through many obstacles together. Some might need to hear a heartfelt acknowledgment of apology for any issues or mistakes that were committed during the course of their relationship. During your goodbye, practice honor and validation. Both individuals need to have the chance to explain their perspective and each deserves to be heard, even when perspectives clash. If possible and if it's comfortable for both, it would be also beneficial to talk in person or over video call. Even if the relationship didn't end as planned, opening your heart and mind to the different narrative of your ex-partner will allow you to pay honor to your relationship and respect to the other human being. Of course, take all the necessary time and space to mourn the ending of the relationship; this is necessary in order to come to terms with the loss. Allow yourself to feel the grief, acknowledge the pain, and process the hurt feelings. Remember that you’re not alone, and you don’t have to feel ashamed for wanting to be with someone who is geographically distant. Expressing it is a good way to move forward and grow. When the sadness is overwhelming and all hope seems lost, find comfort in a trustworthy friend, mentor, or teacher. Having a person to confide in is not only a wonderful way to get support, it can also help to reframe the situation and see it in a new light. There might even be an opportunity for personal growth. Refrain from isolating yourself and instead, remain active and surrounded by positive people who value you. It is important to remember that life doesn't end with a breakup. In fact, the end of the long-distance relationship should be seen as a learning experience and opportunity to grow. New beginnings and unexpected venues await, and the next relationship may come at a different time and in a different place.
  5. “Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there." Those words are so true for anyone who has experienced the difficulties of having a long-distance relationship. The passion, commitment and sacrifice it can take to make it work is often great, but the rewards of such far away love can keep the fire alive and relationships strong through thick and thin. The first step in making a long distance relationship work is to accept there will be challenges. During Intermittent periods of absence, loneliness and frustration may be hard to control so strategies must be formulated to cope with them. Regular communication is crucial, but both partners must also have independence. Having their own friendships, activities and hobbies with no pressure to report back can help strengthen the bond between them. These activities also keep minds active and present meaningful topics for discussion when communication does happen. Another important element for success is setting boundaries. It is not uncommon for someone in a long-distance relationship to feel insecure and want to know what the other person is doing all the time. Routines of checking in or sending messages can fuel this insecurity and trigger tension. Building trust and making sure conversations about expectations are had prior, can bypass misunderstandings and make for smoother oceans across the distance. Finding ways to connect emotionally through conversation, jokes, music and reminiscing can fill the room from miles away. Still, the lack of physical presence can put significant strains on relationships especially when it comes to intimacy. With no remedy other than patience, being creative with what can be done in communication tools such as phone calls, video calls, email., voice notes, handwritten letters and virtual date nights can make all the difference. Far away love is not easy, but understanding the feelings of the other person and respecting their space and emotions can be heavenly. When the time comes to reunite, the warmth of this special kind of love will remind you why it worked across the distance and bring the relationship to the next level. Regardless of the challenges involved, long-distance relationships can thrive with commitment and determination. Sharing values and maintaining honest, consistent communication will get it so far. Remembering to embrace your partner’s independence, setting boundaries and finding ways to remain connected will ensure a warm embrace when the two of you meet again.
  6. My LDR just ended, or so I believe it did because I haven’t gotten any responses. We had been dating for an entire year, he lives in Mexico and I live in the US. I always made sure that we would communicate everyday by texting him and sending him snapchats. We started dating in January of last year, I flew to Mexico for a week in March and a week in May to see him. I thought everything was going well until July came around and he started being distant and stopped answering my phone calls and messages. It turns out he was ignoring me because he would no longer be coming to visit me like he had planned, instead he was going to go work in the East Coast (I’m in the West Coast). During that time I began to get panic attacks from the overwhelming thoughts I had when he was ignoring me. Even after he responded I continued to get panic attacks, had insomnia, was calling in to work almost everyday. I wasn’t getting any better and Kaiser wasn’t of any help since their psychiatrist were on strike. I decided to go visit him in September to the east coast, it took a total of 10 hours. When we finally saw each other I was so happy to finally be with him again however while I was there we fought constantly. He said he had seen me send a kiss emoji to another man, even though I hadn’t. We argued for almost 10 hours ( I was only going to be there for 3 days) so I was so sad that we would be spending our time just fighting. Eventually we got over it and spent our last night up talking. When he left we were both crying. After that he started to call me through FaceTime every week. We planned a trip to Hawai’i and went for a week and a half in November. We fought about dumb things like jokes I would say and me calling him stupid after running a red light. On our flight back he wasn’t talking to me and I was crying the entire time. When we landed I told him to decide whether he was gonna continue to try and work things out or not and he agreed to continue and we apologized to each other. After we came back he stayed here to work and be with me the entire month of November. He went back to Mexico and we were away only 3 weeks because then I also went to Mexico to stay with him for three weeks. We spent Christmas and new years together everything was fine until I started asking him why I was he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He told me to stop crying because he didn’t like it when I cried and told me he loved me deeply and hasn’t asked me yet because he doesn’t want me to think he’s only doing it because I asked him to. I came back and he told me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. We were planning a trip together for my birth in February and he asked me several time if I was sure I wanted to go. Last week he was asking me if I had told my mom about him going to visit me and if she had told anyone else (our families are from the same town). After I asked why he was so curious he said it was only because we were planning another trip together. This was on Saturday and he stopped responding to me that day so on Tuesday I called him, he didn’t answer I sent a message and said your probably asleep already I only called to say hi cause I miss you. He left me on read so I’m Wednesday I tried again, this time I told him that whatever was going on to tell me because I deserve to go. He responded at 1am telling me he didn’t know what to do because he feels like are relationship was being wasted and felt like I wasn’t happy anymore, he also told me he doesn’t feel the same when he’s with me and needs to clear his mind because he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision but he also doesn’t want to waste my time. I responded to him and told him that it made no sense since he had just told me he missed me and wanted to see me. I also told him it normal for feelings to change since we’re no longer in the beginning phase we’re there’s sparks. I told him I didn’t want our relationship to end and asked him if he still loved me. He never responded he just left me on read. This was Thursday and it’s Saturday I don’t know what to think. Please any advice helps
  7. So Valentines day is coming up quickly, and my girlfriend and I have been doing the long distance thing for almost a year now. I was thinking of righting her a love letter, but writing it in Spanish since that is her first language, and I know Spanish is very important to her. She has expressed her wanted me to learn it. I planned on mailing it along with a rose or carnation, but I wanted to ask is it to soon for a love letter? It has been almost a year since we started doing this. My second question is can anyone help me translate it into proper Mexican Spanish? This would be amazing if anyone could help out! Just shoot me a PM or post in this thread. Thank you very much!
  8. I'm hoping the poetry lovers can help me here... I am looking for a poem or prose about long-distance friendships, preferably something that alludes to the friends as family... Can anyone recommend an author or a specific poem? Thanks in advance....
  9. So, I have read many, many of posts in here, and I really feel for everyone. Break-ups, getting together, relationships in general, are hard work. So, hopefully everyone is coping, having good days and bad, but coping, nonetheless. I met this girl, we'll call "C", when I was a junior in college. She was a senior and trying to decide what "to do next" and we became almost instant friends. I really enjoyed her company and heard that she was starting to see me as more of a friend. I was scared to pursue anything, but after a night of partying, made an ass of myself and pretty much told her I liked her too. We started to date in February. May came quickly and she graduated. I thought my heart was being pulled out of my chest. I didn't know when or if I would see her again, and we hadn't really decided what we were going to do about our "relationship" (I used " " because we weren't entirely exclusive at that point...we both were kinda commitment phobes). Anyway, she leaves and goes back to her homestate; I stay in college. The next semester I was doing an internship in another city. She ended up participating in a 2-year service program and ended up VERY close to where I would be for a semester. She later told me that my being in the city I was partly influenced her decision to where she did. We spend nearly every weekend of my senior year's fall semester. By this point, we are in love. I go back to college to finish up and we start a Long Distance Relationship. It is hard, since I am wealthy, and neither was she, but we manage to do a lot of flying and eventually I graduate from college. I want to be near her, but am also feeling a lot of pressure to consider graduate school, from my semi-controlling parents. Since I was barely 21 when I graduated from college, I decided to take a year off. She pretty much gives me an ultimatum, saying I should move to be close to her. So, of course, I do. I work in the same city I interned in, and things are fine for awhile. But, then we have issues. Our relationship, though much closer in distance, is still long distance, and now she is nearing the end of her 2 year service program and I am feeling pressured to go back to school, so we are both in somewhat major transistions. She tells me she just "wants to date" and this is hard, but I agree. I come accross a grad program that I have a really good feeling about and actually get accepted into. I decide that I am leaving, going to grad school, with or without her. Granted, I will admit that I really never gave my "year off" much of a chance, since I "knew" it was only going to be a year and then I would be leaving and she would be leaving too, going to, I wasn't sure. We patch up our issues, and I take a summer job about 4 hours away from her. We drive back and forth to spend approximately 24 hours together, which was hard, but well worth. She flies to my job and drives down to grad school with me and it feels like our relationship is getting better by the week. Now here is the kicker: She finally decides that she wants to leave her city, where she has been for nearly 3 years and move closer to me. I am all for this. We begin bouncing this around the first semester of my first year of grad school. Well, around November, things took a dive for the worst. Despite talking to graduate advisor numerous times, several students, and really checking out this program, my grad program is just not working. I freak out and look at transfer options. She considers grad school and we look at places where we could be together, physically. By spring, I am miserable in school and probably taking some of it out on her. She doesn't really communicate how she is feeling and I wasn't aware it was really damaging her. It is March by this time, and we are still together, still visiting, but I am miserable and feeling betrayed and deeply misled by my graduate program and she is deciding where to go to be near me. I keep having this awful feeling that she will be miserable in the city I was in for grad school, because I myself was miserable. After a visit to our respective grad options out west, I tell her, deeply urge her to apply to a school she is apprehensive about. I tell her they are a very strong program, which is true, and that I might be interested in attending a school in the very same city, which I discovered to late to transfer to. About a few weeks later, she breaks up with me, in an email, saying "this isn't good for either one of us." She refuses to talk about it, on the phone, we are both overly emotional, blah, blah, blah. We finally do talk, I eventually see her, shortly after our break-up and it was very nice. She says that she will see me, and I say when...she replies, "when I feel ready enough to come back." After a couple months of drama after our last visit (nice conversations, followed by emotional outbursts and a couple letters), I finally cut off communication with her. A month later, she decides we should be friends. She decided in very late June to attend the school I wanted her to go to, in a city I will probably end up very soon. I left grad school to pursue another interest of mine, but intend to go back in the near future. We have been communicating and have finally decided the reason for our break up was a lot of circumstantial stuff, with her saying verbatim "It probably wasn't the wisest decision" and then emailing me about how she often gets "inexplicably sad and wistful" about our "lost relationship" and "what could have been." This, frankly, is killing me. Are these hints or what? I could very well finally move and commit myself to be near her, very soon, but am unsure if this is wise. She is going to school in a city where I would eventually like to be, for school as well. I do love her, I do miss her, I do thing our breaking up was a bit rash. And I'm not thinking of going back to her just because I am lonely, whatever. I'm doing okay being single. I'm just thinking, that in Long Distance Relationships, that there does come a time to "poop or get off the pot". I wondering if her mind is completey made up. I hope I am relating everything...I can elaborate, fill in holes if needed.
  10. I was sitting here thinking about height. See, when I met my boyfriend, I was surprised for a second that he was shorter than I had expected. It wasn't bad or anything. He's still taller than me. I think he's around 5'6" or so. I'm probably 5'3". Anyway, we were talking online a while back (it's a LDR) and I said that when I met him I had expected him to be taller. Really it's not like I was thinking "I want him to be 5'10" or taller." It really was something I never thought about. So he kinda got pissed at my comment and I guess his height is a touchy subject for him. His ex I guess would point out and make fun of the fact they were the same height which i was totally unaware of and apologized if what I said bothered him. I really don't care how tall he is. So my question is, are guys sensitive when it comes to height if they're a bit on the lower end?
  11. Hi everyone, I've been turning this situation over and over in my head but finding no solution. Perhaps you friendly readers can give me an objective view. Please be warned my story is going to sound very Jerry Springerish I know... I had been going out with my ex for three and a half years, all long distance but we'd see each other on most weekends unless he went away since he was in the military. A year into our relationship he cheated on me with a prostitute. I'm certainly not proud of it, but shortly thereafter I ended up cheating on him with a friend of mine and continued to hook up with him a few times. We both told each other about our infidelities but I didn't tell him the whole story b/c he became very violent (not towards me but punching walls etc) and aggressive. After that, I never told him the extent of my infidelity but always wanted to but was scared of the outcome. For the next two and a half years, I was faithful to him but he cheated on me a few more time with more prostitutes. Throughout this all, he was abusing various drugs/had depression problem etc. I tried to get us into counseling but he didn't want to go and would somehow sabotage my efforts. He finally got booted from the military for drugs and moved back home. He went through rehab and stayed clean for ten months. We broke up for a month over a fight about a girl I thought he was hooking up with. During this time, I believe he messed around with at least one person that he told me about. I hooked up again one more time with my old friend from before but when my ex and I got back together I didn't tell him about it. My ex moved to a different state and began to go to school. Four months ago he started working at a place where a girl had a crush on him. I saw him four weeks ago and everything seemed to be going well, however I found out he was smoking and drinking again. While he was drunk he began to tell me about this girl at work and how she gave him her number and told him to come to her place for dinner. I was pissed. I didn't mention it until I came back from visiting him. We had an argument and hung up. Normally he'd call me every single night, but didn't call me for two weeks. Finally I called him and he was really mean and told me to move on and that we were broken up. He said that he could be really mean if he wanted to. I told him to not hold back and he said that he was seeing someone else and sleeping with them. My body went cold and into shock, I blurted out that if we were being honest with each other I might as well tell him the whole story about my infidelity. I told him about my friend (we don't speak at all anymore) and how it happened a few times way back when and once when we broke up for a month. He was pissed and told me he was seeing his coworker and that she wanted to call me up to tell me I lost my man, blah blah blah. We basically talked here and there throughout the weekend and from our conversations I found out: 1. this girl has two kids from two different dads 2. she said she had her first child on purpose to trick the baby's father into marrying her 3. she's still married to her first child's father b/c she can't afford a divorce (which is approximately $250 in that state) 4. she told my ex if he wants to get married/have a kid within a year, she is down for it 5. she has never gone to school and never plans on it 6. she is mean to her kids and tells them to shutup and she's mean to everyone else but nice to him and he knows she's a "good person" that she wants him to "love her" 7. she calls him 24/7 when they aren't at work together 8. she told him to give her his financial aid check to put in her child's saving account b/c he can't "handle his money" 9. she told him to move in with her and if he has too much stuff to sell some of it 10. she told him she doesn't think she'll like his mom b/c she feels like she's judging her for having two kids without even knowing her Basically the list goes on and on and whatever negatives I've stated above are the opposite of me, as far as I know his family loved me, I have an education, no kids, don't want him for his money, let him do whatever he wanted, supported him ALL the time, was kind and considerate to him, AND I have straight teeth! But two weeks ago he told me to stop calling him b/c it's causing problems with her and that he'd call me. I haven't heard from him, he didn't respond to my email and he wouldn't pick up his phone. I'm tempted to fly out to where he is but I'm actually afraid she'd try to kick my butt. I know I need to move on and that our relationship is so jacked anyways but I can't stop obsessing about him with her. I can't figure out why he wants her other than the sex but it totally grosses me out. I'm at the end of my rope, seeing a therapist, and even went to a psychic today that swindled me and told me some b.s. about cleaning his chakras if I charge up my credit cards for her. Hah! Anyways dear readers, I still love him and I want to knock some sense into him. There's been a lot of b.s. throughout our time together but I always believed he was a good loving person who had issues with drug dependency, naivete, and youth. I love him unconditionally, but I won't have him cheating on me and ruining my life. His mom says he'll snap out of it and come to in a few weeks but it has already been that long. I'm afraid he'll never call me. My friends and family think he's a dog and should have been kicked to the curb ages ago. Everyone says he'll call me when he's down and out in a few months but to not take him back. The sick thing is that all I want now if for him to call me. I guess I always believed that he did jacked up things but that he did love me. What do you guys think will happen? Thanks for reading this long, damn near a novel...
  12. In the past couple of months I have had an incessant fear and worry about losing a loved one to death. I am in a long-distance relationship with a man who will be flying to the U.S. to be with me on December 9th. This should be a time of joyful anticipation, but instead I am crippled by severe anxiety and fear about his plane trip over here. In the wake of terrorist threats and all these constant reminders that "You are no safer flying than before 9/11" I have become riddled with fear about his trip. Above all, I am terrifed that he will be taken away from me because....I don't know....because I am creating my own terrifying reality, and the universe will agree and fufill my fears?? I am afraid of loss....I have always been an anxious person, and as a child I was saturated with deep fear about losing my mother---Whenever she was just a bit late picking me up after she got off work, I assumed she was dead. At recess I would think about her death, and sob to myself. I also worried about my own death, and always was afraid I would die in my sleep. My anxiety has intensified to debiliating levels, and I really feel like my worries will become reality. I know it seems ridiculouors, perhaps, to think that thoughts can create reality, but people have been telling me that our thoughts do create our reality.......I know this is comforting concerning positve manifestations, but conversely, what if I have these awful fears....Do these fears become true? Ever since I was achild, I also have had terrifying dreams about plane crashes, which amplifies my crushing anxiety. I now must sleep with my light on all night--I know it appears silly, as I am 30-years-old, and should be able to sleep without the light on....But in this past year, I have felt out of control with my depression and anxiety. I have gone the antidepressant route, but do not wish to do that again, as I am seeking natural therapies. However, I admit, I am struggling to control my depression and anxiety this way. Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do to stop this worry? It may seem morbid, but my mind is so entrenched in this fear, that when I talk to my boyfriend, I have an "outside" view as if I am looking back on the conversation (while it is happening), from the viewpoint of knowing he has died...And I am remembering his words......I already feel like I am grieving.....I know this isn't normal, and I need to stop, but I don't know why these thoughts intrude. I keep reading his emails as if I am reading them after he has passed away. It is awful. I feel like I am preparing myself....I don't want to think like this. I know something in my mind is broken. There's a lot of pain. So much pain, I really don't know what I can do to cope. Any advice would be warmly appreciated.....
  13. Hi I am wondering is there any couples survive a 5 years long distance relationship? Thank you.
  14. Started doing long distance with my boyfriend when I had to move away, and ended up cheating on him and forgetting what we had because I'm messed up. So he broke up with me when he realised he deserved better. Think about him all the time Hope you like it! I remember when I saw you Your face came into view Now looking back, I think it was The day my dreams came true I remember when I had you The world became so new And all the wrongs I'd done so far You just seemed to undo I remember when I loved you My life fell into place The first man who would look at me And see more than my face I remember when I left you I lost my mind one day I took with me your heart and soul And threw them both away I remember when I hurt you Your love, it never changed But I don't know what to do with love So I tried to cause you pain I remember when I lost you You went so far away And though now we are so apart I see you everyday
  15. Hello everyone! My boyfriend and I just got together about a week 1/2 ago, but today was not a good experience. First let me say that this is a long distance relationship. Anyway, today I was on the phone with my bf and mr roomate screams out "who are you on the phone with?" so I said "who do you think." because obviously I wouldnt be talking to anyone else but my bf. So she screams out "John?" So I said "no my boyfriend!!!" John is clearly not my bf's name. He got so upset and didnt want to speak to me. I called him a few times and explained to him that I am not cheating and this guy is just friend (which is the honest truth), but he told me he wanted to be left alone. Sigh. So I called him about an hr ago and I can tell he is still upset with me. What can I do to make this better? I feel like he should believe me, but he is the type of guy that will analyze this situation. Helllppp.
  16. Ok I'll try and make this as short as possible, but I'm sure it will be long. (Let me thank you all for helping me through a tough time.) My ex, let's call her Jane, met a guy, let's call him Joe, about 3 years ago. After a year of teaching at the same school Jane and Joe started dating they had a long distance relationship for a year and it was Jane's intention to go to the same grad school he was in already. Well when she didn't get in, he said that he couldn't take the long distance thing anymore (if this was the actual reason or not I don't know.) Jane went to a different grad school, they tried the LD thing one more time and Joe again broke it off again after a month (breakup number 2). They always kept in contact talking on the phone from every two weeks to once every two months. Sometime around this second breakup (before or after I don't know) Joe dates another girl for about a year. In the meantime Jane goes to a different grad school and meets me, let's call me John . Jane and John date after knowing each other for about 6-7 months. Well a month into a great relationship Joe (~11 months after the first breakup and 6 months after the second) hears about Jane's new relationship. "I have someone new in my life now," she tells him. And two months after that Joe starts to ask for Jane back. At about this time John is at his worst, he is treating Jane badly and not putting any effort into their relationship. He gives up on a lot of things actually. At the same time Joe is at his best, he says he loves her, says he wants to take her to Rome, says he wants to marry her one day, and says he will move to her in April if all goes well. So after a month of asking for her back Jane breaks it off with John and goes back to Joe (Jane was with John for 4.5 months). Well John does all the wrong things for at least 2 months: is sad in front of her, begs for her back, tries to tell her she's making a mistake, calls her all the time. John tries his best to become level headed. When he does he does seem to be making progress with her. She admits that John "never had a chance" (because Joe came back before they had a chance to fall in love) and she was still emotionally attached to Joe, she says that her "feelings may change in the future", but she is "dedicated to this even if it is a mistake." Joe visits Jane once when they get back together (he is 6 hrs away by car) and then 3 months later he visits for 3 days. Jane goes to see Joe more often, about 4 times in 3 months but doesn't visit him at all the month of November. John would be at Jane's house every other weekend if he was in freaking California -- that's how much he loves her. So here's where I, John, am: I work with her so the "no contact" thing is a little hard to do. When I originally stopped calling her she acted very weird, in class she looked at me about 30 times, and acted like she was really worried where my feelings were (other evidence too). But I can't help but periodically tell her how much I love her (usually over email). Whether or not this is a good course of action, her response is very positive. She can't help but be EXTREMELY happy that I adore her so (I can tell by her body language). I get bits and pieces every once in a while: massages, lots of touching,winks, jealously when I talk to or look at other girls, flirting, reminiscing about sex, our dating, and all the good times. I can't really do the "no contact" thing because we see each other every day, but she does call me, over a period of 2 months (first two months I called her) she's called me about 4 times (most of the time she has a stupid excuse). Since Thanksgiving, due to scheduling, I've only seen her about 5 times, with an average of 4 days of "no contact" between each meeting. The first time she was ready to invite me over, or at least call me on the phone (she said she needed help with her computer), the second time I got the flu and she called me and we talked for over an hour, the third time she invited me up to her office and out to lunch. Maybe she just want's to be friends, but I still want to do whatever I can to get her back. I sent her a CD and a card to show her how much I loved her. She took it as an act of me needing her (I think) and said she wished she could explain why she felt so strongly "that things needed to be this way." I emailed her and told her that it was just a profession of my love for her, and I know why she feels this way: she still has feelings for him and I never got a chance, but I'll always love her. She said she's sorry she overreacted, "we're on the same page now", and she hopes we can "share more times together" next quarter. But tomorrow she goes to Rome for 2 weeks with Joe, she's still dedicated to this relationship. And although I know there's at least something there. It's definitely not enough for now, maybe ever. I know I haven't been helping my cause by letting her know that I'm always there for her, but I couldn't help it, and I feel as if I don't tell her I love her I'll be in "friend zone". I'm in a real bad situation because he is in the picture. I don't think this is just a rebound with an ex. I know we wouldn't have broken up, and I know she would be with me if not for him. So I really got my work cut out for me. What does everyone think? Will Joe give up on her for the third time? Will she ever come back to me even if he doesn't? I really got screwed over this time. I'm going to learn to love myself again and move on but I'm still going to hope for her, I'll let her miss me too. I'm going to love her from a distance, I don't need her, but I can see nothing better than having her in my life and having her as my wife one day. Should I periodically tell her that I love her? I'm worried that if I don't she'll start to only see me only as a friend. The book I'm reading says sometimes you can love your ex back to you, even if someone else is in the picture, but usually this person isn't an ex with whom your ex has a lot of history, so I don't know if this is the best course of action. Please tell me what you think. So what do I do if an "ex" is in the picture? John
  17. Please help. I am not feeling very well I have not slept properly for the last 4 or 5 days. I wake up early in the morning worrying about this. Basically my long-distance boyfriend told me unexpectedly that he wants to take a distance and wants to be less involved. I know he has been extremely unhappy with the fact that I am so far and he has been quite upset about it. Anyway, he told me that something has to change if we should stay together. So we both agreed that within the next 6 months, we both will try our best to move closer to each other. He is coming over to see me next weekend as he has got an interview here. The thing is I did not expect that he would tell me that he needs distance. I asked him what he means by that. He said that this is the only way he can continue our relationship and deal with the distance. He said he knows it's very hard but I should try to respect it. He said he does not want to communicate over the phone or text messages so much, not so often. I asked him if it means we are broken up, he said it does not. I asked him if there is someone else, he said there is not and if there would be, he would have told me. He also said that he has big problems at work with his boss and he wants to find a new job and stabilise his job situation so he said he needs time for that. He said he is sorry for neglecting me but I need to accept this. He said he is doing this to save us. He said to me to be sure that he still loves me and that his feelings have not changed. But I cannot help feeling worried about it. I asked him to call me 2 days ago, he did. He said that he though he had already explained everything to me. I told him that it worries me and that I don't understand it. I said to him that I worry that he is meeting someone else. He told me that he is not. He got a bit upset that i don't seem to be able to respect his feelings. He said that he does not want to talk about this anymore. He said that he has so much to worry about right now and now he has to worry about me as well. He told me that I only add to his stress with my worries. He is coming next Saturday but I am not sure if I am strong enough to stay away from my phone? I don't want to ruin things but I am feeling uncomfortable with the way he has pulled away from me? I texted him during the night that I miss him but he is not replying to me. We have had a few occasions when he has pulled away like this normally if he has stress at work or if he is upset about something. However, this time it feels different as he said to me that he needs this to stand our distance situation? And he added that I should not worry that it's only temporary until our situation changes. But our situation will not change until 6 months later or so.. He also told me that he is upset when he see all of his friends with their girlfriends and he is always alone. He said that I cannot expect him to be the pefect boyfriend, who is waiting for me all the time. He said that he has done this for too long and he cannot make such efforts anymore? This is what worries me the most. That's why I asked him if it means he was interested in someone else. I don't know what to do. I keep crying. I cannot concentrate. I feel like this is the end but then he said that to me that if I am not happy with it and I want to break up, he will go. so we are still together but I feel like he is not "there" and it makes me feel anxious and sad. What should I do? I am so upset about this.
  18. Hello, I don't know where to start. I've told my story to so many people over the past couple of weeks, and have reached out for help. I'm not making any progress. It hurts to relive what is going on right now. It feels like a bad dream and I just want to wake up. I've never felt so alone, lost, desperate, and guilty in my entire life. My family and friends tell me I shouldn't feel guilty. They say that the conflicts leading up to the break-up weren't deal breakers. They say that she changed. If you love somebody, you work through things. I felt safe, I let my guard down, I was trying to make decisions and save for our future together. Now, it is all gone. My future, dreams, aspirations are all shattered. I am a pretty smart guy, and am usually great at putting things into perspective. This is my reality. Before Itry to pick up the pieces and move on, I'll spill my guts again for a little bit here. I'm 27, she's 25. She just graduated from Dental Hygiene school a few weeks ago. We have been together for over 2 and a half years, and engaged for a year. We met when I came out to visit some old friends from college. We clicked instantly, and became a couple, and best friends. We were in love, and after 6 months of long distance, I transferred from New York to to start the next chapter of my life in Arizona with her. It wasn't a rash decision. I had friends and family out here. We got along so well. I stuck by her side through thick and thin. I asked her to marry me last May, and she said yes. Things were great. Then, a few months later, my parents moved out to Arizona. Me being close to my parents has been a big problem for her. I went to them for advice whenever I had to make a big decision. That got her upset, because she wanted us to be making the decisions on our own as a couple. Her dad was going to buy her a house, and she asked me to live in it with her. I didn't feel comfortable with that, because I had no input into where it was or what they were looking for. So, I bought a one bed-room condo on my own that is still being built. She didn't want me to buy the condo. In the mean time, I've been very frugal with my money, trying to save for the down-payment of the condo. I even moved back in with my parents for the past couple of months to really save. I complained when I had to spend money, and splurged on a few items that I didn't really need. We were beginning to make wedding plans as she was nearing graduation. We ran into a few conflicts, because I'm Caucasion, raised Catholic and am from New York, and she's Asian, raised Buddhist, and from New Orleans. We aren't very religious, and there was room to compromise, but she was sure that she didn't want my parents to have any input into our wedding plans. After her graduation, her family, friends, and I took a trip up to Las Vegas to celebrate. We argued when I didn't want to spend money to get into a club in Vegas, but everybody wanted to go. I resisted for the whole car ride up, explaining why I didn't want to pay $100 to get into VIP and get free drinks. I regret that decision, because it was her trip, celebrating her accomplishments, and hard work. I ended up paying and she ignored me the whole 3 day trip, even though I was right next to her throughout. I wasn't very close to her friends that were visiting, so I didn't know what to do. At one point, she told me "You look like a lost puppy, go play somewhere else". I told her she was my best friend, and I was sorry. She said " * * * *, you ain't my best friend." She had changed. It was weird watching her getting along fine with her friends, and then being so rude and mean to me. We got back from Vegas, and she continued to ignore me, even though I was in her prescence. So, it now had been 4 days of ignoring me. Her identical twin sister yelled at her saying "What the hell is wrong with you, he said he's sorry. Why won't you grow up and talk to him?" No answers. No changes after her friends left. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and left for work the next day. After I got out of work I came home and confronted her. I said "What is going on. It hurts that you ignored me for so long. I'm sorry. Please talk to me". She sat and ignored me for a few minutes. I asked again, and she said that she didn't want to marry me. I told her that I realized she is at a cross-roads in her life now that she just turned 25 and recently graduated, and if she wanted to post-pone our wedding plans, that was ok. She said "No, I don't want to be with you anymore". She also asked for her house key back. I explained that we never had a big argument before or broken up, and thought that she should tell me how she was feeling. Let's talk it out. I can change. She told me she "didn't like me anymore". I had a hard time believing that considering we had been together for over 2 and a half years, and our relationship recently had been great up until recently when she had to study a lot for her board exams and me trying to save. Anyway, she told me to leave. "Go back to your parents" she said. I resisted for a while, wanting to know why she was breaking up with me. She said that she didn't have to tell me, and wasn't good at explaining things. She started to yell at me to go away. People who know me, know that I am a sensitive, gentle, honest, loving, caring person. It was really hard to hear her be so mean to me. She was harsh, and wanted to end the relationship right there. I didn't know what to do, so I eventually left. Now, it has been over two weeks since I left her place. I dropped a letter off at her door step five days after we broke up. In the letter, I explained that I knew she was at a cross-roads, I apoligized for my mistakes, explained the importance of the relationship to me, and hoped it still meant something to her. I also stated that if she couldn't accept me for who I am, I didn't know what to do. She hasn't contacted me at all. I am a mess. I wasn't able to eat or go to work for a few days. I've seen two therapists, and it hasn't helped at all. I'm lonely and deeply depressed. All I can think about is "Why"? She still has the engagement ring that I gave her when I asked her to marry me. I didn't think of getting it back at the time, and wanted to give her time to cool down before I approached her again. She didn't wear it much due to the fact that she was always wearing gloves, and working on patients as a dental hygiene student. I was always afraid she would lose it. So, she put it up in storage at her aunts house in between moving, and it has been there ever since for the past month and a half. I know that sounds like a sign, but, she's always been a tomboy, wasn't used to wearing jewelery, and was also afraid she would lose it. She did wear it on occasion. I do want the ring back though, if this is over, because she broke a promise. I'm also having a really tough time because over the past few months my good friends that were out here have moved out of state. I have no one but my parents now. It also really hurts me that she updated her myspace profile. It now says that she is single and doesn't want kids. When we were together, she said that she wanted to wait a few years if we were going to have kids. My heart aches every time I go onto that website. It's a bad habit, and I'm torturing myself every time I log in. I'm also waiting for her to call me, but I know she won't. While we were together she shared with me that in her past, her style has been to drop her ex cold turkey. I don't understand how you can go 2+ years spending everyday with someone, thinking about them, get engaged for a year, and then just completely turn it off and leave. I am in so much pain constantly. One thing that has helped me is to remind myself that I am a good person and deserve to be treated like a human being with respect. I can't believe she ignored me in Vegas for so long. It doesn't help that I'm also constantly thinking that she broke up with me because she may want to find someone better/different. She didn't tell me why she was breaking up with me. We had gotten so far and grown so much together. We were so close. The hardest part of the day for me is waking up, realizing that this is all real. I'm still the same person though. My love does not falter. I'm not mad at her. It appears that she has changed. How can someone who's that important, someone I planned my whole life around, just drop me like that and be so downright mean. I don't know what to do. I just want to talk to the Mary that I knew for so long.
  19. I don't have a myspace, I used to, but when the hype started, I took it down because there was too much drama attached to it. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year, we had our anniversary 2 weeks ago, but we have a long distance relationship being that I go to UCLA while he goes to UNL. I haven't seen him in person since December and when I saw him we definitely talked about trusting each other and promising to be faithful and not do anything with anyone else. I trust him and all, but last week I decided to check out his myspace to look at his pictures, and there's this girl in his top 8, who's put in the 1st spot and BEFORE his best friend, my boyfriend and his best friend are incredibly close, that's one thing I KNOW. So I scroll down his page and this girl is saying things like, "Hey baby, I love you lots" or "Hey I had a ton of fun last night sexy" Things that a friend who's a girl would not say, and so I look at her page and scroll down to her comments and I see comments from him that were so hard for me to see, I practically burst into tears reading them, but they were things like, "I love you babe" and "You're beautiful, I had an amazing time last night being with you" * * *?! boyfriends don't say those things to girls who AREN't their girlfriend. I love my boyfriend, and I would think that he loves me. I just don't know...maybe I'm coming to conclusions, but I hate this, I'm his main girl, I hope... What do I do?
  20. I have been dating one jerk after another since my very first date and I didn't think I was ever going to find the right guy for me, but I finally did!!! I am so happy right now and just wanted to share my story with everyone, so you can all see that it will eventually happen to you. I only met this guy about two months ago, but I already know that I'm falling in love with him. He's so perfect and treats me like a princess. He was really shy at first and it took him forever to ask me out, but when he finally did he admitted that he's had a crush on me since we first met. Ever since that first date things have been going great. He just moved a couple hours away from me, because he's going to school in a different city, but we're both still committed to eachother and decided that we can make it work long distance. The only advice I need now is how can I let him know that I'm falling in love with him without freaking him out, cause it is really soon in the relationship?
  21. If there was an online couple planning to meet in the future, like months away, but didn't work out and broke up before they could meet, do you guys think that means they won't work in real life too? Because I had an online girlfriend who lives about 6 hours away from me but I didn't call her enough so she got real lonely and dumped me. And I regret everything and such, but I was just thinking that if we were a real couple then this would've never happened, because I personally don't like talking on the phone but I love hanging out so I would hang out with my girlfriend like any chance I had. If we were a real life couple, I'd have no problem with the phone because I wouldn't have to talk so long because we see each other a lot.
  22. Over weekend, I was doing a search on the word “attraction” and what I came up with was something most unexpected. While I DID find many sites that promised to teach me how to use different “canned routines, gimmicks and hypnosis” to attract and seduce women, I also found something that totally changed me and my perception of life as I knew it and lived it. And what I found....is called: “The Secret”. I stumbled upon a random blog that said this, And I was intrigued. So I went to the website, paid my 5 bucks, made some popcorn and watched the 90-minute film. The film is a m a z i n g............. The Secret is about the intention-manifestation model and how to use the Law of Attraction to create whatever you want. As the movie aptly points out, most people focus their thoughts either on what they don’t want or on reinforcing what they’re already getting. How many of us sit here at enotalone talking about the things we DON’T WANT? “we don’t want to be broken up, my bf/gf doesn’t call me, they don’t want me anymore, etc”. But the way to succeed with intention-manifestation is to keep your thoughts focused on what you desire, even if it seems to have no presense in your life yet. (I’ll let you know how this change in my thought process affected MY situation in a minute). For now, remember this quote, “Whatever we give the most thought to will expand.” People get stuck in a pattern of thinking about what they don’t want. And when talking about their desires, it sounds like this: I don’t understand… I’m frustrated that… I hate my… I can’t figure out … I’m stressed about… I’m worried that… I should be able to… but I can’t… Why am I having so much trouble? With this list of intentions is it any wonder that keep bringing such negativity back to us. The Law of Attraction brings to you what you think about. Every thought is an intention.The Law of Attraction is totally neutral — it doesn’t filter what you ask for. If you think about what you want, you get it. If you think about what you don’t want, you get that too. So what you should do is easy. STOP thinking about what you don’t want and START thinking about the things that you DO want. How do you know if you’re doing this? Here’s what’s happened to me in the past 5 days. I’ve been feeling like total sh*t for the past week. I haven’t been getting what I wanted from my LDR. I wasn’t getting the time...the attention...the intimacy...i felt like "I" was making all the moves...taking all the initiative to keep things going. And all I did was dwell on that. “I’m not getting this I’m not getting that....she’s not doing this...she’s not doing that...” and on...and on...and on....How depressing. So I watched the movie and thought, “What have I got to lose?” So I reversed my natural way of thinking. I started small... I knew she that she was going out to a party that night. And instead of being sad and wondering about all the people she was meeting and would she meet someone else and forget about me...and poor me...blah blah blah (everything i DIDN’T want). I started to really think about what i DID want. I thought that I hope she has fun....but that she also misses me while she’s there. I imagined the scenerio in my mind of what I wanted...start to finish. I imagined her coming home from the party...and DYING to talk to me... imagining how she can’t wait to talk to me...watched the image in my mind of her picking up the phone and calling me....how she COULDN’T WAIT to talk to me. And i felt good...and happy inside... And I totally went on and about my day... stopping to think of this every-so-often. And wouldn’t you know it...i was shocked (and also not-so-shocked, because i believed this would happen) when i got a text message that night from her saying she was home from the party and had been thinking about me and wondered if “I” was available to talk!!!!!! OHMYGOD!!!! So we talked....and had the BEST time! I think it's kinda like this. Have you ever had the thought of an old friend pop into your head out of the blue? And then the next thing you know you either run into them or get a call or email from them? I think THIS is along that same line....! THIS just happened to me 30 minutes ago as a matter of fact!! I was sitting in a meeting and a friend of mine that I haven’t spoken to in about 3 weeks popped into my head. I thought to myself, “as soon as I get back to my desk i’m going to send her an email asking her if she’s still alive...” Well, the meetings over...I go to my desk...see that I have a phone msg...listen to it... and it’s HER...and she says, “i haven’t talked to you in awhile...just want to let you know that i’m still alive...” I SWEAR THIS JUST HAPPENED!!!! I almost fell off my chair!! So this is what I’ve been doing every day now...and with incredible results. Every day...the first thing i do when i wake is I think of all the things that I’m grateful for. No matter how big or small....this gets my mind in the right mindset and I start to feel happy deep inside....and this makes me feel open to not only imagining, but also f e e l i n g what i want. And then I start to think and feel (and imagine) the things that i WANT. (Not the things that I don’t want). In the case of my relationship, I think about my girl being TOTALLY in love with me....and how she’s can’t wait to talk to me...and interact with me...and how good it’s going to feel for both of us... and I watch her picking up the phone...and calling me...and seeing us both laughing and having a good time. AND I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS WORKING!!! Everything that i’ve hated between us in the past month has done a complete turn around. Our interactions have been totally going to the places where I want it to go...she’s been calling me 100 times more than she was.... she’s talking to me again....i mean REALLY talking...not just superficial things....deep, intimate conversations....sharing things with me.... (we hadn’t done this for a long time). She’s been sending me flirty/sexy text mgs. (another thing that hadn’t happened in awhile). And the only thing that I can attribute it to is the change in MY thinking. “Whatever we give the most thought to will expand.”
  23. Hello lovely people. Anyone who has read my other post will know that I've been having a lot of problems with the guy I am currently with. We've had many ups and downs for about 2 months but we've been much better for the past few weeks. However, recently something has come up that has irked me. Due to the long-distance, we have resorted to many phone conversations and also talking on IM. When we do see each other it is usually only for about 2 days (1 night). I will just list some things he does that are really quite annoying: 1. When we go out to bars and lounges, he feels the need to tell me how 'hot' he thinks a girl is. He has even pointed them out and said 'Her * * * is so hot in that skirt'. He then proceeded to tell me why that skirt is hot and how, if I get the side view-it's even more hot. When I get tense and 'Huuh? I don't care.' He tells me to calm down and 'Don't worry, I only want you.' Okay, fair enough but keep in mind that I have just travelled 4 hours just to see him and when I get there, he does that! I pretend to be semi-ok with this on the outside because I don't want him to think I'm being irrationally jealous. I even sometimes agree 'Yeah, she's really pretty'. Of-course I can appreciate a gorgeous woman but there are limits. He chuckles when he sees me like this. As though, he wants me to feel jealous or threatenned or something. 2. I remember when we were watching a movie and these two gorgeous girls appeared on the screen for a few seconds; he looked like he was going to explode from the sheer sexiness. Again, I understand this and am not upset by this fact. But it does irk me when he repeatedly refers to them and says 'They're perfect. I love those two. They're going to be my wives.' I tried to make light of it and said 'Oh, you love everybody'. To which he strangely replied: 'Well, not everybody. I don't love you'. At that point, I turned into one of those people I hate: The Jealous Girl. I said 'Okay. Fine. Goodnight.' Yes, I had a short fuse that time. I admit that it's too early to be saying 'I love you' but still found his bluntness just rude. I was not searching for an 'I love you' and even if he didn't mean it like that, who says things like 'I DON'T love you?' Of-course after that, he said 'Oh, don't be like that'. I said 'I'm fine. But that was rude. You can't just say that.' He always thinks that I am fishing for an 'I love you'. Ridiculous. He always tries to backtrack and patch things up, replying with a 'You know I'm kidding....' And before everyone tells me to 'get over it' because he was 'kidding'-no, I know this guy. He's not kidding. He's trying to band-aid it for now. 3. When we are not physically together we talk via IM as we work a lot at our computers. I don't understand why he needs to send me pictures of girls in bikinis and then says 'You should get something like that. It's hot'. I told him 'I don't want you to send me girl pictures' and I never accept the file. I just don't understand why he would want to show me these things. I really really don't understand it. I don't care that he has these pictures, he can go for his life. He's a young guy, I imagine most guys have girlie pictures somewhere BUT, it's annoying when he tries to send them to me. Do all guys do this? And what on earth does it mean? That he'd rather I look like the girls in the pictures and the hot ones he points out? Or is he hinting at something I'm not quite getting? Is it to keep me on my toes? ps. Oh dear. That was long. Sorry guys! Thanks for reading and any replies.
  24. Hi everyone. I'm new on the forums. I honestly wish I didn't have to come seeking advice to win my gf back, I wish i never let it slip so far. I know this is a bit long, but please help mend this broken heart. I have been having a LDR with my gf for 7 months and I honestly have never felt happier in my life. She helped me get through the recent death of my father. Today... only a few days after valentines and a week before my birthday... she called me saying that she wants to break up. She said she doesn't know if she loves as much as she did before. Her main reason was that she wanted to find her self in the world. I feel hurt by that because she gave me the 'it's not you, it's me.' 4. She has major trust issues due to past guys. she has come to trust me very well though. (For Vday, I sent her a poster of me as a joke for being sorry I couldn't fly halfway around the nation to see her, I'm a college student. I sent flowers and bears to her work on Tuesday and Wednesday. Cost me 160 bucks. wrote her two love poems (i don't read books, or write. I'm practically illiterate but i did it out of love) I sent her a picture frame of us in it, which she has not picked up from the mailbox, so when she does I hope she changes her mind. And of course I called and texted her all day) We're college students and I see her during summer and winter break. I planned a spring break getaway but I guess we won't be going. We've always been happy together and that's no exaggeration. A little background info, the few things wrong with the relationship i can think of. 1.because we're different races I've had a hard time introducing her to my family, her family has been wonderful to me though. she claims this is not an issue. 2. also we are complete opposites. she said it was exciting at first but now we clash. i told her I'm still excited about us. 3. her biggest thing is being independent, and i've come to respect that. she works pretty much all week and she is really really stressed out. However, in the past two weeks I have been letting emotions for the loss of my dad over come me and as a result I have been pissy on the phone with her. We talked about it, and I promised not to be so aggrivating on the phone anymore. That was less than a week ago. Then yesterday morning I woke her up for work (i only slept 4 hours so i could wake her up) and then when she was waiting for the bus I got out of bed to check the schedule online, I checked the wrong schedule and she missed the bus. She was really upset, but then she was cool about it and trying to cheer me up because I felt bad for making her late to work. Then at night for the first time I didn't talk to her, I fell asleep and she didn't call me. (She always calls, and is the one who always does the calling). Today she she calls and says she wants to break up. She sounded much too casual about it which kills me. She mentioned, someone not physically being present for her, she gets sad when she's lonely, 'i need to find myself'. She kept saying that I'm the most amazing person she's ever met or will ever meet. She kept talking about how wonderful I am, interesting, hot, sexy. She said she still cared for me like a friend, that hurt me the most. I feel so confused. After a while all i could do was pretend we were still together, I talked to her for an hour about the usual stuff I would talk to her about, trying to laugh a few times, holding the tears in.I kept calling her sweety as I always do, and we laughed about being ex bf and ex gf. But really all I'm feeling is pain. I've been reading online... about 'It's not you, it's me.' I've known that phrase has exited for a long time. It's a way to break up with someone with the idea that you're letting them down softly, so you don't have to feel bad. But no one is so blind that they can't see right through that. Some of the meanings where, I don't love you anymore but let's be friends. I don't love you, but I'll keep you as a friend so as not to hurt you even more.... I can't even talk about it. anyhow.. I promise that I have never mis treated her, emotionally abused her, never done anything that would lead a person to break up with another. I have two post it notes on my computer screen that say, make her smile, and smile for her. That's all I want for her. The past two weeks feel like an argument that can be resolved but she wants to break up. She also said she wants to be friends, which hurts me because I've given her everything and shared everything, trusted her completely. I told her however because she's made me happy in the time we were together that I would be there for her, to help her find herself. At first she was very clear about the break up, but 3 hours later she at one time hinted just maybe we would get back together after time. My feelings for her are deep, I can't give up. At the same time I want to give her space. Edit* I'm holding off on doing the following, after everything i've read on the forums - For now I've written an apology letter and while have it delivered with flowers by a local flower shop. I mentioned nothing of getting back together, so as not to push her. Also, in the mean time I will of course be a friend to her, we agreed we would still talk regularly, just not every night. I told her to call me tonight if she wanted to talk about anything at all. It's 4am. She didn't call so I texted her good night and she did the same. However, I don't want her to get the idea that I am happy just being friends. That makes me feel like some sort of puppy to be played with whenever she feels like. How should i go about acting so that she takes me back? Right now I'm a wreck. Feeling devastated, crying about my dad, about life and the cards it has dealt me. I've been following my emotions so far, being truthful to her. Basically begging her it isn't so. I don't think I could go through the NC game. love is not a game to me, I'm also scarred if I don't contact her she will think I'm over her. But at the same time she doesn't want to lose my friendship so that gives me an upper hand if i did NC. I'll take any advice I can... I've read just about every break up thread. my heart hurts, physically and emotionally. This is a cry for help. =( also this is our first argument... if we can't get over this.. then all hope is lost.
  25. Hi all, i have been reading around here for a week now, and its amazing how much it got me thinking. Thank you all very much for supporting me in this hard time. Now I think I am ready to post something myself. I have done a lot of thinking, and I have many open questions.... This post has three parts. First I give a summary of what happened with me and my love, second I will deal with the concept of NC and possible outcomes in my opinion. Whoever is not interested in a sad story and another case study can just skip to part two, the more theoretical part. Part three is a summary of the things that I would be glad to get figured out. The points that i am still struggling with and which I can't answer myself. Part 1: Let me give you a very short outline of the mess I am in. Met a wonderful man in India while studying there, fell deeply in love, had a wonderful, exciting relationship for a while. I never missed anything with him and he had everything I wanted and he was enchanted too. Lots of love, lots of good conversation and the feeling of having found a soul mate. I had to leave for Germany then after the semester, but came back to him after 3 weeks of missing each other crazy. From then on lived together happily for a while, went on holidays to meet my parents on a Thailand trip, everything gorgeous. Hardly fought, and if we did, we talked until we reached common ground and understanding. Met his family, liked them lots and announced our wedding plans. So far so good. Eventually I had to go back to Germany to finish my master's. While being apart we talked a lot on MSN, texted, wrote letters and called each other 3-5 times a week. We always felt we were fully part of each other's life. Then I did something stupid. I cheated on him, with a girl. You need an explanation here I guess: I had always had affairs with girls more or less frequently in the past. We had talked about this and he said it’s something he needs to put more thought in, but he is generally not ok with me cheating, regardless of whether it’s a boy or girl. This girl I had cheated on him with was a 1 year long affair without any intention of making it a relationship. She was doing my master's with me, so she was around, and it somehow happened. In retrospect I think I did it because I was freaked out about how much I loved the guy and I was scared that it wouldn't work and I was left with nothing. I have the feeling I have issues with abandonment and although everything was perfect between us, I had the fear he would leave me. So I was trying to detach a little, to protect myself. I know that this is less that rational, but I think that it is characteristic for me. I am a very freedom loving person and very self-sufficient, and the sudden close attachment to someone just freaked me out. This was the first relationship I was fully into and actually completely let go, so I guess I just couldn't handle the fact that I let someone get so close. I told him about it. Felt so guilty. He took 2 days to decide what he wanted to do with it, read a lot on bisexuality, asked me questions and talked to me in a very structured way. Then he decided to forgive and work through. He said he doesn’t want to tell me that if it happens again he would not forgive me again, because he doesn't want to limit himself to one option, but he also said that he would most likely leave me in case I did it again. He had gotten really hurt, I could see that, but he never mentioned it to me again, never blamed me for it. He came to visit me then. It was not the best time; I was sitting on my master's thesis 24/7, hardly had time and was stressed on top. We knew it was not the best time, but wanted to see each other. After a while he got depressed, I was giving him little attention, he had nothing to do. In the end I managed to finish the thesis and spend a good week with him, traveled places and had a good time. After 6 weeks he left. Sobby goodbye, lots of love. He got confirmation that he was accepted in Germany for a master's course. So our long distance problem seemed solved for some time. While he was back in India preparing to come to Germany, I did it again. You must think I am crazy, and I think so too. Not only did I sleep with her for a solid week, I also stayed over night, wrote loving emails and had a full blown affair...What had gotten into me? During this time I didn't feel less love for my boy, not at all. I shoved the fact that he would be so hurt away. I even tried raising the topic again on MSN, but he got pissed and said I can't talk about this girl to him at all, it’s something I need to figure out by myself. I felt so tempted with this girl, she gave me so much love, she is sweet and all and I don't have to give her any commitment in exchange. It went on for a week. Then I went to the airport to get my boy. It was his birthday when we arrived at my place and we had a party and I felt so weird and guilty. I told him that night what had happened. It sounded callous when I said it, and I know it sounds callous to you too right now. I sound like I am the most unloving woman out there. But I love him more than anything. I know that he is the love of my life and that we ARE made for each other. You might think now that I can’t complain, after all it was me who put it at risk, but please consider that I haven’t been in a situation like this one before. I have never loved like this and never let anyone close like this. I crashed under the responsibility that he is moving to another continent for me, dedicating his life to me. I merely couldn’t handle so much love. I myself can't grasp what I have done. Don’t judge me too hard, be gentle. After that I moved out, I accepted that I had done tremendously wrong and needed to go. He read all my mails to her and of course it was more pain than one person can take. Despite that, some days later he asked me to work on it together. From then on, he made the attempt to deal with it, but he got worse and worse. Started drinking, kept himself busy and whenever he got loving towards me, he regretted it minutes later and got angry. The drinking got worse and he treated me bad sometimes. Stopped caring for me, went forth and back. I took it for 4 weeks, as I felt I deserved it and understood his pain. After a while I couldn't do that anymore. I told him it’s over. At this point I didn't see a chance that he could ever forgive me and I saw that it’s eating him up. He also had just started his Master's and had a lot of new friends and was busy with going out and studying. We had a very loving goodbye, sobby, told each other we loved each other and talked for hours at night. Then I left for my parents place. The following weeks we had again forth and back conversations, I told him I wanted to come back to him, realized how stupid I have been, and that I think with so much love we must be able to work through. He said he missed me, so I went back to visit for a week. The week was wonderful when we were alone, we slept together, had great talk and a lot of fun. We didn't talk about the future, but had a good time. We were in love. Whenever we were around his friends though, he was cold, didn't give me attention. He had told many people about what happened, and I think he felt like a fool for still loving me so much. He is a very proud man and the fact that he is suffering so much without me, convinces him even more that he wants to go back to his self –sufficient life he had before me. He is himself scared by how much he loves me and how much it affects him that I am not there. And that makes him feel even stronger about being alone. He says that love is not enough, if it was enough I wouldn’t have done what I have done. After the week I left. Since then (3 weeks) we went forth and back again. I am trying to convince him we can do it, he doesn't know how to solve the practicalities. He says too much has happened. He is certainly not happy, but he would also not be happy with me, since he would feel like a fool to just take me back and the trust is gone. The only thing that speaks for me is Love, but that feeling can’t be trusted. So I figured I should let him go. I told him that what I have done cannot be expected to be forgiven. He can go and heal. Unfortunately we then started talking again. Same pattern. I even called him and cried. At the time he was with a friend and was very unreceptive and so I hung up, was very hurt and decided to go to NC, without telling him. Since then, (2 days) he tried to find out why I blocked him. I also had to answer a paperwork question, so technically there was contact. Then he wrote me yesterday that he is aware I am pissed and that he has very little time right now, but that it’s important for him to talk about our issues for him and that this time he will make more of an effort. I answered that there is no new info between us, so talking doesn't change anything now and that we can have the learning experience feedback round of our relationship when we are less busy and more objective. That’s it so far Part two: Here are my thoughts: NC is a good way of moving on. While we were still talking, I was running in circles, had hope, felt desperate and interpreted everything he said according to my current mood. It was dynamic and I got hurt and tried to hold on. The pain I felt was connecting me to him, so I didn't want to let go. I also felt that I owed it this relationship to fight. Also letting go from it would have meant that he can let go as easy, and that scared me, so I held on. I also felt that my ex was partly feeling guilt for not trying harder with me, and talking to me was somehow a way for him to be less guilty, after all he was still taking care of me and comforting me (even if i got more hurt). It was his way of making sure he can't be blamed for not trying. So now he has to deall wtih that guilt and can get over it. The same counts for me, I felt les guilty about what i have done, since i was trying to make up for it by talking and figuring out what went wrong. But as my Ex sais, thats like shooting someone and after that taking him to the hospital and thinking that would make up for it. Since NC I feel better, I am not waiting for him to contact me, I can start getting my head around the fact that it might be really over. What I am thinking now is that NC is very good to get over a breakup, but maybe not the best thing to get someone back. The attention you trigger by NC is more curiosity, being abandoned, fear to lose the other and hurt pride, but not love. It shifts the dependency from you to your partner. Love is different. Maybe it can work if your partner is not aware that this is a simple game, but mine isn't stupid. So you basically trick the other one back to you. What comes in here as a thought is Major's post a long time ago (yes, i have read a lot in here). Its the "feeding the bird" theory: . My problem here is, that even if you make the bird dependent on you, eventually the bird will again fly and find new sources, and then he will feel even more stupid that he thought you are the only source of food.... It can work, I guess, but it’s a big risk. On the other hand I don't really see alternatives... because being a victim isn't very attractive. And fighting for a relationship is a good thing at first, but losing yourself can't be the solution. So I am completely with you on the NC. Great way of getting over and keeping control and the head up. But I don't have big hopes on the getting back together part. We will see. For now I do it merely for myself. I miss my love, but not as much as the confident and proud ME. Part 3: There are a lot of posts in this Forum by people who do NC more or less successfully in terms of making themselves feel better. Are there also any stories where the NC eventually helped to get back together to a stable, trusting relationship with real forgiveness? I assume that those people who are back together might invest their time in their relationship now rather than posting threats in a forum for heart-broken individuals, but maybe someone finds the time to give me some hope. Also I would like to hear your take on the outcomes that can be expected from NC, even if you are still in the process and haven’t reached your goal yet. Also very welcome are refllections on my individual case. You might feel that I have less of a chance to get back together, because I was the one who ended this relationship, or because he is not led by emotions but by practicalities. Or you might think I have more of a chance, since he is struggling with a "real" problem, not general undecisiveness. Please tell me what you think. I am very excited to hear you opinions and thoughts Thank you very much! Mona
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